I Believe in God...

[erinsmom]

I am so sorry for your pain Kagan's Mom . . . boy do I know it well. Please press into the arms of our loving heavenly Father, that is the best advice I can give you. It is wonderful for you to reach out here to us too, your brothers and sisters in Christ. We love you and will lift you up in prayer through your time in the furnace. Our God is a God of deliverance. . . and this too shall pass. Wear your armour. . . . put on the garmet of praise for the spirit of heaviness. It works like a charm!

I have a wonderful praise report Nikki! I prayed so earnestly for the Holy Spirit to guide each thought, word and action when I am with my husband and on Friday I felt an infilling of complete peace, rest and reassurance that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE. It was such a precious and gentle spirit that came over me and I've been walking around with such a soft and accepting loving nature since then that I feel like I'm on some natural high or something. I feel so good and so peaceful and so THANKFUL. . . THANK YOU so much to all of you praying for me and my family. I tell you IN COMPETE HONESTY that your prayers are being answered. My husband and I joined forces and exchanged loving and compassionate expressions. It was an awesome weekend. I praise God for His mercy and grace on our marriage and on our family. To Him I give all the glory!

For those of you our there who are in the middle of a firey trial - I have been there - I know how hard it can feel at times - PLEASE HOLD ON AND NEVER LET GO OF GOD. GOD WILL SEE YOU THROUGH AND BRING YOU TO HIGHER GROUND THEN YOU'VE EVER BEEN ON. . .. HOLD ON WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT TO OUR HEAVENLY FATHER. CONTNUE TO BELIEVE - NO MATTER WHAT - TRUST AND OBEY AND YOU WILL RECEIVE ABUDNANTLY MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL,

I LOVE YOU,

kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Praise the Lord above for the peace and comfort that has come over you and your family Kitty. I have been worried and in desperate pray that God will give you the strength and comfort to make it through.

The blessings and praises just keep coming. My friend from Chicago said that the doctors say that her daughter doesn't have breast cancer, and it was another good weekend for my momma, even though she can't do much I could tell it from her eyes that she slept better than she has before.

I want to thank you all for all the prayers and continuous support you have given me. I know that I'm not out of the woods yet, but I just try to hold true to God's promises, and keeping my prayers going even on the days where I don't feel so close to him, I know he is still there. The walk is long but I'm coming to the goal. Please continue to pray for strength for me and my family. The end of this school semester is ending which means the stresses of finals soon approuch. Please ask for patience and strength to deal with both studying for those test, and for helping my family, mom and brothers, around the house too.

Thanks Kitty for being a great friend, and for sharing your heart with the rest of us.

May God bless you all and hold you in his strong and loving arms.

God bless,

Love and prayers,

Nikki

[erinsmom]

Nikki you are way wise beyond your years and a true blessing to so many of us here in this chat room! I had to comment on your last post . . . you said "i know that i am not out of the woods yet" . . . . that really struck me - because not one single one of us is or ever will be as long as we are in our earthly bodies! unfortunately the trials and temptations of this world are relentless. . . we're in the enemy's domain here on earth. but there's GREAT NEWS! There really is a true joyous peace we can experience even in the midst of deepest pain, even during the most brutal attacks! God is our refuge, our shelter, our shield. I have literally sensed His protection as of late in such a way that I can only describe it like this . . . I feel like a baby wrapped in a soft warm blaket that just came out of the dryer. I'm in His strong and sensitive arms - my diaper is dry and my belly is full and IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS!!!

Glory to God in the Highest!

Love to ALL,

Kitty

[tinasdad]

erinsmom, you are totally right that we are not as long as we are in these bodies. As much as I ache for my wife because her illness is in the last stages, I hurt not because she's going to be with the Lord, but that I'm going to be without her. If it weren't for the responsibilities of our children, I would just as quickly go with her at the same time. This life is only temporary, and we will always be with the Lord. YEAH! We will always and forever be with Him in His presence! Can it get any better?

[slowlyhealing]

Its kind of funny to think how small we really are. How our little works and words can still touch so many different people if God is behind them. You are absolutely correct. We are all trapped on this earth in these bodies God gives us. This earthly bodies, they break, bruise, hurt, and eventually will die, but our spiritual bodies reach so far. We are truly free in spirit, even though the sins of the world and the devil tries to twist our faith, and the pains of this world may break us, We HAVE GOD, and In his arms his children rest. We all need to be told every once in a while, good job, or be encourage to go on, even though the journey looks grim, I hear his voice a calling. "Come to me, child, and I'll give you the rest that you deserve." AND oh how we all need to be loved. He provides that. How wonderful is it to feel like a child again. Even though life on earth still moves on, God will give us things to laugh, and smile about... he will give us a peace to overcome the trials ahead. He placed us all here for a reason. To do his work, but not only that but we are to find joy in the simple things he has provided, and take light that He is still with us. He rejoices with his children when they rejoice, and He'll hold us and moan when we morn. Oh if I could only find an earthly man who would do that for me, and trust that God will see us through... I don't really know what I would do. Gag I'll be slaphappy for the rest of my life. lol. Even if God doesn't provide me a husband, I know one thing. I will never not be loved. Even in the pains, and agonies of this world, there is always someone above that pain, and above me and I will answer to Him, and call him my Father, and he won't let me down.

Thanks for encouraging me to speak my mind and heart. I hope we continue to share our trials and our praises with each other

Love your sister in Christ,

Nikki

We are all bound to face trials in life, its what you do through the pain and trial that can either break you or make you stronger, and never be afraid to call on God for help.

[tinasdad]

Nikki, I am so thankful for the privilege of getting to know you here. You said before that your journey of faith has had some rough road, and yet here you are, faithful to your Savior. And your faith is so strong, too. I am thankful to see a young adult living so close to the Lord. This will be your strength as you go through your life, and so importantly, as you care for your Mom and go through the difficult times ahead. Remember Joseph, who's faith kept him strong when his brothers sold him as a slave, then when his master imprisoned him wrongfully. We don't know what God will do in your future, but you will never be without hope and joy as long as you have faith in God and love for His people.

You asked me what illness my wife has. She has one of the dystrophies (I can't pronounce it), and it is brutally painful. The prognosis is that she will endure this horrible pain until it eventually causes a stroke or heart attack, and this is the waiting we do. We don't know when, but we know how. I have prayed that it would be on me, because I am already in a wheelchair from two neuro diseases, but He has other plans.

Keep us up to date on your progress on the finals. We are praying for you to do well. We continue to pray for your Mom, and are thankful she is able to rest. We are happy for how things are going for your friend in Chi-town. The Lord is true to His Word, "the prayer of the righteous one has great strength" (translated from James 5:16). Study well, and make sure you get enough rest so you can do well on the tests.

[slowlyhealing]

Tinasdad/ Mark,

I am the one who has had the privilege of meeting someone like you and Kitty and the many others on these message board thingys. There are so many other people out there hurting in the world, and sometimes when that one person in your own family or in your close knitted group gets ill, you only focus on yourself. You all have opened my eyes to see that pain is not just at home. In my selfishness I forgot the billions of people who have to suffer everyday, not just because of illnesses or losses, but because they are truly lost also. They don't know God's love and comfort. And it was only recently when I finally turned back into his loving arms. The road ahead isn't just the one I live here on earth, physically, its also a journey of faith, my spiritual walk. All of us have to endure both. But with Gods help we'll make it through

I am sorry to hear about your wife's illness. With my moms illness she doesn't really suffer pain. What it is mostly is that she becomes trapped in a body where the muscles are shutting down. Her brain, and her heart will not be affected by this disease. She'll still be normal in that sort of since. Her lungs will stop. I have been around many people who suffered from a heart attack, or a stroke, but I have never heard of your wife's illness before, or at least I don't recall hearing about it. I do pray for you and your family, I hope you realize and feel the power of God's hand working in all of your lives. Waiting for the end is not an easy task, especially for the people who don't know what or how to handle watching their loved ones pass away. I find strength in each moment I have with my mother, even if its a bad time, I know I still have her, and in her eyes I find the love she so desperately wants to express. God knows. God knows everyones hearts and everyones pains, but He'll use our journeys as a testimony to others, weather it be through your concerts, the songs we sing, the stories we share, and the people we may come to counsel one day.

Thanks again for your time and patience with me as I learn to walk the walk of life, and as I learn to trust and let go of the pains that I still carry. Thanks for letting me be me, instead of putting on a happy face when I'm truly broken.

God will take my load, and he'll take all of yours if we just let him.

Momma taught me that.

Always in my thoughts and prayers,

Nikki

[erinsmom]

You have a very wise Momma Nikki! Praise God for her - and for all praying mothers!!

My husband's mother literally died in one single month - diagnosed 3/2/05 and died 4/2/05! We, as a family, are already seeing that the quickness was a blessing. A shock - but a blessing for her. Her cancer was extremely aggressive and she was in much, much pain. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you, Mark and for you Nikki to "wait it out" . . . thank God for God is all I can say. Without Him WE CAN DO NOTHING . . . with Him . . . ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

You are both a joy and a pleasure to correspond with. Thank you for your insightful and lovely posts! As always, I'm praying for both of you and your families. For comfort, peace, and a gentle joy deep inside, and also for sound restorative sleep.

Peace & Grace,

Kitty

[sdimarzo]

To All,

For what it may be worth, there is a clinic in Tijuana Mexico called the Bio Medical Center, formerly the Hoxsey clinic. They specialize in alternative natural cancer treatment without any chemo, radiation or surgery, which has a tendency to weaken an already weakened immune system when one has cancer.

From all that I have read concerning this clinic they have a pretty good success rate on certain kinds of cancers. I would highly recommend to those of you with relatives or family members with cancer to call them. The number is (011-52-664-684-90-11). The receptionist's name is Olga. Their address is:

Bio-Medical Center

615 General Ferreira, Colonia Juarez

Tijuana, B.C. Mexico.

In this day and age when cancer is so wide spread, there seems to be a place where results can be obtained the natural way instead of by surgery, chemo or radiation. Olga can give you prices and a whole lot of information on how the treatment will work. This is an out patient deal with the person with cancer only staying over night, at best, for a period of tests and then given a diagnosis along with a supply of the cancer natural fighting drug!!! Remember, it is all natural the way it was meant to be when it comes to healing the body of any illness, disease or aliment!! Please, if any of this applies to you, call them because your life may depend on it!!

Always a friend,

Steve D.

P.S. To find out more about this clinic, do a searxh on the word, "Hoxsey" and see for yourself!!!

[lauraa]

Dear Kagansmommy,

I can so relate to how you feel about loosing your son. I am so sorry you had to go thru all this pain of loosing him. You put every ounce of your being into caring for him and now that he has "passed" there is an emptiness. I feel it is like post traumic syndrome. I did the same thing to help get my husband well and put everything I had into it 24/7. I am also angry at god...and that is so upsetting to me and I think that is why I am feeling depressed. I always felt when all else failed god was all I needed. It was amazing what little I could go on as long as I had god. Now, I just wake up with the lowliest feeling of emptiness and hollowness that I have ever had in my life. I wonder if this is what we all have to go thru with our grieving in order to get thru it thoroughly. I don't know. I do know it is a lonely place and I'm really struggling with it. I hear so many people say they can't pray or go to church and that is how I feel...I just feel numb that my husband is not with me any more. I could really use prayers from everyone for strength, trust, understanding, etc. I just can't understand why this could happen. I am starting to think it doesn't pay to be good....has anyone else ever felt that way? I will keep all of you here in my thoughts and prayers the best I can.

[slowlyhealing]

My momma is rather wise, isn't she. I just got to love her. She's the reason I'm still here today. Oh... I'm not really giving God the credit. He gave her to me.

Its hard to watch her sometimes struggle for breath and fight off the coughing attacks, but I know that God is with both of us.

I do believe that it is a blessing when loved ones don't have to suffer and wait for their deaths.

The other night I had to ask my mom some questions about how she felt when she got ALS for a paper I have been writing. I asked her other than her physical being what else has changed, already knowing the answer. Mentally and spiritually she has grown. The already strong woman of faith, realized that she couldn't truly live this life by herself, thats why God brings people in. Momma said that I was a gift to her, but on the contrary (spell check that) I find that she is a bigger blessing and gift to me.

God has given me strength even in the worst of times. He has always been there even when I walked away. And through all this I realize what that one song sings.

Without Him I could do nothing. Without Him I'd surely fail. Without Him life could be hopeless. Like a ship without a sail.

I don't remember all of it, but... those words come to my mind when I feel like I'm slipping.

May God bless you all, with strength even in the darkest of times. Turn to Him in your time of need, cause turning away hurts so much more.

Take it from someone who knows.

May God give you the faith to withstand the growing enemy. The hope for a new and brighter day, and the love that can move hearts, and souls to Him.

Your sister in Christ

Nikki

[slowlyhealing]

Dear Kagansmommy,

I can so relate to how you feel about loosing your son. I am so sorry you had to go thru all this pain of loosing him. You put every ounce of your being into caring for him and now that he has "passed" there is an emptiness. I feel it is like post traumic syndrome. I did the same thing to help get my husband well and put everything I had into it 24/7. I am also angry at god...and that is so upsetting to me and I think that is why I am feeling depressed. I always felt when all else failed god was all I needed. It was amazing what little I could go on as long as I had god. Now, I just wake up with the lowliest feeling of emptiness and hollowness that I have ever had in my life. I wonder if this is what we all have to go thru with our grieving in order to get thru it thoroughly. I don't know. I do know it is a lonely place and I'm really struggling with it. I hear so many people say they can't pray or go to church and that is how I feel...I just feel numb that my husband is not with me any more. I could really use prayers from everyone for strength, trust, understanding, etc. I just can't understand why this could happen. I am starting to think it doesn't pay to be good....has anyone else ever felt that way? I will keep all of you here in my thoughts and prayers the best I can.

Laura,

How are things going with you. I read your post often, and though I know most of your situation I don't truly know what you are going through. Its a fact that we all suffer different losses in this life. Some loose their children, some loose their parents, some loose their spouses. BUT we all do have somethings in common, we all hurt. As long as we live on this earth their will always be pain, and suffering. That is why I find comfort in God. I know I have a purpose here on earth, though I don't truly know what it is... I know I still have purpose, if I didn't I wouldn't even be here. Maybe our purpose together as a hurting but God believing group is to reach others with our testimonies. To show others that their is still hope, even in the dark times.

It has been hard to watch my mom suffer in a body that seems to be rejecting her. Its hard to see my mom, my comfort, and my best friend trapped in a body where she can't truly express herself. I know though... I know by a simple smile, or a simple twinkle in her eye that she still lives and she still loves me and is proud of me. God has given both me and my mom a new language. A language that doesn't have to be said by words or by touch. The room may be totally silent, but we communicate by a simple glance or just to listen through the silence, and holding on to the fact that we still have each other.

I know it won't be long until my mom leaves and goes to heaven. I know that I will hurt more than ever, but I also know that God will comfort me. I pray that you all receive the peace and comfort of God's love. Even though the pain is still very much there, God is still there and He'll listen to your prayers and cries.

May God give you the faith to withstand the growing enemy. The hope for a new and brighter day, and the love that can move hearts, and souls to Him.

Your sister in Christ

Nikki

[kagansmommy]

Hello everyone...thank you all so much for the kind and encouraging word's. These last few days have been the worst since Kagan's death. I feel like I am in the midst of a full blown breakdown. I talked to my oldest sons ex-girlfriend today and she was able to lift my spirit's a little. She is new in the Lord and a firm believer in His word. She told me that the trial's God has put me thru the last 3 years...all of which I endured...are going to make me a powerhouse for the Lord. In July of 2002 my world started crumbling around me. My ex and I had been married for 22 years at the time. We had a good marriage that revolved totally around our son. We didn't even realize we weren't happy as a couple. We were best friend's and our marriage was comfortable so neither of us even considered moving on. But in July 2002 I realized how unhappy I was. I met another man after I had a nervous breakdown then my husband found out...I was on suicide watch...he kicked me out and I moved in with this other man...after 2 months my ex and I decided to give it another try...I moved back home and my son moved out because he blamed me for tearing apart out family and refused to have anything to do with me....shortly after moving back home I found out I was pregnant with the other mans baby....I had myself another breakdown...my ex wanted to raise the baby as his own and said we could work it out...I had Kagan in July of 2003...we both almost died twice before he was born...I had a bad reaction to the epideral and almost died again...when Kagan was 2 day's old I went into congestive heart failure and actually died...they revived me and i was on life support for 24 hours and then woke up like nothing ever happened...we found out Kagan had a rare metabolic disease when he was 6 weeks old...I was on total restriction's from my doctor...I wasn't even allowed to care for Kagan but I took care of him by myself...in October I found out my husband was having an affair (with a woman from his church)...in December he moved out to be with her...he left a sick wife and baby alone...in Feb. 2004 we found out Kagan had an even more serious disease with NO survival rate....Kagan's real Dad moved here from Chicago to take care of us...March 2004 my Dad passed away..I did not get to attend his funeral because Kagan had stopped breathing the day before and was in a children's hospital 100 miles away...my husband filed for divorce and I let him screw me royally (I took responsibility for all out debt)...my divorce was final in may 2004...in september Kagan's other brother (Kagans Dads son from a previous marriage) moved in with us...he was out of control and hit me twice so I kicked them both out...December 2004 I remembered meing molested by two of my cousins and almost lost my mind...Then on January 28, 2005 my beautiful little boy passed away...Kagans dad now lives with me and we are getting along great and plan to marry this summer. Even with the 27 doses of medicine Kagan had to have every day...the therapy I had to do with him daily...he had to be fed by me...he still took a bottle because he couldn't drink from a cup...doctor's almost every week...I was still standing at the end of every single day. I have a dilated cardiomyopathy and was given strict orders not to lift anything over 5 pound's and no stress. When Kagan passed he was 36 inches long and was 28 pound's of dead weight because of low muscle tone. He was on my lap or laying in my arm's or I was moving him around doing therapy at least 10 hours a day. I still have severe heart problem's but by the grace of God I am STILL standing. I know it was God that got be thru every one of those trials. I know He has a great work for me one day. The young lady I talked to today told me I am a walking talking testimony. I know I was dealt this hand for a reason and it's not for me to question why. I am angry with God for taking my baby. Kagan was a miracle from the beginning. I had not used birth control for 18 years and then there he was. I felt so blessed. And then he was taken away from me. I do feel empty every day. A part of me is missing and can never be replaced. I do thank God for every second I had that precious angel in my life. Thank you for listening to my story.

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

[lauraa]

Dear Nikki and Christy,

You guys are such inspirations to me. We have all been thru such trials and are still standing. I lost my dad, husband and mother all in 6 months time last year. I worked so hard to get thru and manage everything for 3 years up to that point and then 24/7 at that time. I leaned on god heavily and now I feel that I am going thru post traumatic stress....I am angry and sad, exhausted, etc. Sometimes I wonder how much truely a person can handle. Somethings I can accept but I can'r accept loosing the love of my life...it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't love life anymore and it is hard for me to come up with it. I do it for my kids and I struggle daily to believe again....it's hell! I do pray for everyone here and feel bonded thru our healing journey. I am struggling daily with my grieving and am down in the dumps but one day at a time...Nikki, your a good kid and i really do know god is with you and your mom and I do know god is good I'm just pissed at him. Christy, you are a strong one and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I totally believe in the afterlife and our loved ones are whole and well and not suffering anymore and they are waiting for when it is our time to be with them again.....Truely! Peace to everyone here and beyond.....I just am stuck right now in feeling the pain ans suffering that my loved ones went thru....I am crying for their loss and suffering and for my loss of them......Thanks for your support.

[erinsmom]

wow. that's a lot of stuff. . . . big stuff. my only question to you is the same question i asked myself several years ago. the question that changed my life and set me on the path of healing and health.

"when are you going to stop calling the shots and let God take control? what will it take for you to realize that left to our own devices, all we do is create chaos and crisis and crisis"?

i ask you that question with a loving heart. believe me, i made so many mistakes you can't count them . . . until i realized that God has to be Command Central.

Letting go of ego, submitting and humbling yourself before the Lord. . . Asking Him in to take over. . . . . . this is the best advice i could ever give anyone. i am a living testamony to someone who searched for love, hungered for acceptance, felt starved for approval. i was empty and hard hearted by the time i came to realize that i was a big confused, lost mess.

a big confused lost mess with a child slowly dying who eventually died. big stuff too.

Nothing is too big for God. Nothing. Our God is a God of MIRACLES.

BELIEVE AND RECEIVE. . . . GOD BLESS YOU! I'm Praying for You. . .

With Love,

Kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Kagansmom and Laura,

You have both been through a lot of pain, and I don't really know if I could have ever gone through what you all have. I know with God's strength I could, but wow. Here I am complaining and moarning over my situation and look what God has brought you two through. If he could surely bring you through that, even though you both are still very raw with emotions and anger and fear, and doubt... but He brought you through and here you are sharing your stories with us, showing us there is still hope though it looks to be very small there is still hope.

Kagansmom you lost your son in January and the one thing that I have learned through my years at college and just looking around. The death of a child is one of the hardest, if not the hardest lost someone can endure, especially someone in your health condition. Here you are and God has yet provided for you and gave you someone to support you, through this pain. Your fiance. And you both are working through and are going to get married. I think that is wonderful. Instead of breaking a part like many people in this world you are bonding together.

Laura, I know you hurt. I get angry too with God. I don't always understand why? Why does my mom have to die now? She won't be here for my graduation, my wedding, she won't be there to hold my babies. If God willing I get married and have a family. I have only lost my dad, and that was by his own choice. But here I have to loose my mom, the one who took care of me this whole time?! What am I going to do? Why does God have to do this at this point of my life when I have no job, not a lot of money, and I'm still hanging on in college.

God knows my heart. He knows all his children's hearts. He knows your in pain and your angry, and you don't know why your husband and your father had to die. You don't know quite yet why everything has to happen now, at this very point in your life.

I thought that later on in my life when I'm in my midforties and fifties like my momma had taken care of my grandma, I would take care of my mom. Here I am turning 20 tomorrow taking care of my mom now. This was NOT my plan. This was NOT in my list of things I wanted to do before I turned 30. But God knows that.He knows that this was not going to fit in with my plans, the plans I had selfishly made for myself. Get married at 20 have kids by age 25 have a beautiful house with my rich husband on the beach somewhere watching our beautiful children play in the ocean.

Truly... that IS NOT even close to happening right now. I am still single and 20. I have no man in my life what so ever right now. I don't have a boyfriend haven't had one, don't know whats going on with that type of relationship thing. I'm still living with my mom and aunt right now taking care of both my brothers and my mom. THE house and the beach. YEA RIGHT. How exactly am I going to afford that? I still have three to four more years until I get my bachlor degree. And if I added anymore children to my family (brothers and mom) I think I will loose my MY MIND. Don't get me wrong I want a bunch of them when I get through all of this get my feet back on the ground and have somewhat a more stable situation.

God knows what is best for me. Even though this is a tough trial right now, and I really really really don't like it. I know He'll pull me through. It may be a long painful pull by my hair, but I'll get out of this, and I know that even with the pain in my heart I will become so much stronger not only in the relationship with God but with the relationship with others too.

I do hope that you both know I am praying for you. As my friend says God is bigger than everything, even the boogie man. I think its some sort of Veggie Tale thingy. But its true. God is bigger than everything. Even the pain and anger in our hearts. He'll give you peace, just lean and believe in him.

God bless you all

Always with love and prayers

Nikki

[erinsmom]

Amen Nikki!

It's okay to be angry with God, that means you believe in Him and that you believe He is in control. I too have had my days when I wanted to give up. . . I've asked myself "what good is all this obeying doing me???" I have wanted to give up many times, but then I remember what the alternative is. Back to where I was. I never want to go back there. . .

HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON. GOD WILL NEVER GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN BEAR. I screamed out to Him several times this past winter yelling "ENOUGH GOD!! THIS IS MORE THAN I CAN TAKE"!!! Everytime I got to that point, some small little miracle would happen and I would get comforted and a slight ease of the pain would occur, even if just for a little while - it was enough to get me through.

Hold on Ladies, THE BEST IS YET TO COME. God loves us more than we even loved our children/spouses/parents who have passed on. That A LOT!!

I am praying very deeply for something wonderful to happen to you ladies today, something soothing and loving and soft and special.

Believe and Receive. . . . Hold on . . .

Love,

Kitty

[lauraa]

Kitty And Nikki,

Thank you guys for all your love and support. I really feel bad that I am ralaying my negative feelings to you. I always try to be supportive to others. I know you are all going thru very difficult times yourselves now and I in no way want to be a burden on anyone. I think that is what makes this even harder when your use to being in control and then ya hit bottom....it isn't easy for me to ask for help as I am the one that took care of everything, always. I appreciate your support. I don't feel weak....because I'm low, sad, angry, etc. I know it is all normal to go thru and we do have to go thru it. It is just so much stuff and all at once. It's all easier said than done. I do believe in god and that is the only thing that pulls me forward is to know and believe that my loved ones are all with the lord in the most beautiful and glorious place imaginable.....I know they are not suffering any longer and they are watching over us and are extremely proud at the way we are all going on. That gives me great comfort. Somethings we will never understand until we join them. It seems like an eternity for us but a second to them until that time comes.....I just feel like I've been run over by a truck...that's all! Thank you girls for your support......Nikki, I know what you are going thru is so so difficult...I know god is with you..I can feel it...I see so much of you in myself.....I had 9 brothers and was the only girl. You will have that house and children with a husband that loves you and you will be on the beach.....that was my dream and I got it...I'm just recovering from the loss of my life....I grieve as deep as I loved. It is a deep sorrow.......I will survive as everytime I look at my kids I see their dad. I do believe in the power of prayer.

[erinsmom]

Lauraa,

you are as much a blessing to us as we are to you! last week i felt the exact same way, i was apologizing for my negative posts, i was really down - as i am usually the one who is trying to encourage. . . but, like i said recently, if there is only one thing i've learned through the recent loss of two loved ones - it's that WE ALL NEED EACH OTHER ON THIS EARTH. we can't do it alone . . .

we are here to lift each other up. it helps me to walk you through a bad day just like you will eventually benefit from reaching out and encouraging someone else here when you are feeling strong.

Nikki, you are an earth angel and we are all touched by her awesome tesitmony. I believe you will receive double for your trouble. . . .

Love,

Kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Laura,

You are truly a blessing to have met. We are all in this painfilled world together. Thats why God brought us together I think. Cause we all are suffering, but through each other's testimony and encouraging words, we can help each other. I know that God will make everything all right.

EVEN if I don't get the husband of my dreams, the children I long for, or the house on that beach. God will give me what I need to make it through. Just like he'll give it to you. After all... My one and truly deep prayer has been answered, and I know he'll answer the other ones I have. I prayed so very hard and cried many nights because, I needed someone to talk to, someone to share my heart and my pain, and my tears with. Someone that would understand the fears I had, and wouldn't judge me for feeling the way I do. He brought me here. I can share openly about my troubles and my fears and my anger and my tears. I can't promise you that they're all right, but I know I get them out and someone answers me. I was so low that I no longer felt like I wanted to live. I consider it... selfishly. I knew how much it would hurt my mom, and my brothers, and every time I thought that way I would think of them, but... the thoughts kept coming. The pain was over bearing... watching my mom die, I forgot the blessings that God has given me. He gave me time to be with her, even though it may not always be a good time, and even though she struggles, its the time I have with her now that makes the difference on how I live my life when she dies. The pain is still real, but I can at least get it out. Erinsmom, Kitty, and tinasdad, Mark, and you Lauraa, and many others show me that I am not the only one out there. There are others and we can help each other through God's love and promises to make it through the trials and the pains of our losses, and soon to come losses.

May God bless you all and give you strength to face the rest of the day.

Love,

Nikki

[tinasdad]

Nikki, the hardest place in the world for me to be was in college. There I was, all alone in some town I didn't know in Ontario, with a bunch of people I didn't know. I don't mind meeting people, but I am usually very reclusive, and that has to do with my professional background. I just went to class, and back to my apartment, and on weekends did the work thing. I didn't have to face what you are facing exactly, but in my last year there, I lost my grandfather. We drove to the States on the day he died, and I'm the last one of our family to see him alive. That thought has never left me, because he was always so close to me, even when I was a kid in foster care.

Did Job ever get angry with God? How about Cain? Of course they did! And even though they ranted at God, He calmly spoke to them and at the heart of their fear and anger. I have a feeling that your anger is not really anger, but frustration and fear as you move into an uncertain future. Always remember, that no matter what happens, He will never leave you for any reason. Not even if you don't have a single penney for a tithe, He will stay close by your side and protect you from anything that scares you.

If I tell you not to worry I am only wasting words. From the way you sound, you're getting nervous about keeping ahead of the bills in the near future. Don't let that undermine your present. Those things can work out. You may find yourself relying on friends, and your faith may be tested to its limit, but I know you will not just survive the coming days, but you will shine as you go through them. Have you thought of a trust through your church? You can set up a trust fund under the care of your church so that your bills will be paid by it, and not from your personal funds. If you take a job, put as much money as you can into the trust fund, and let it pay the bills. If it works the same where you are as here, it also helps on taxes. Besides, a trust can be used as a charitable contribution for your friends and relatives to donate money to you without it affecting your tax base. This will be helpful with your sibs, especially if you intend on continuing to care for them. If you do that, you can, if I remember correctly,claim them as dependents on your taxes. I counseled in an independent living center, and learned a few of these things, and I will check into the current ones if you would like me to. Stay in touch on stuff.

Now, about your birthday. Enjoy every minute of it. I pray it will be the most blessed day you have had so far, and that your Mom will be able to share it closely with you. I will also pray she doesn't tire herself out with all the fun. As close as you and your Mom are, you have a treasure you will carry forever, and that's worth more than all the gold on earth. I'll talk to you later on. Mark

[erinsmom]

i have felt too like ending my life more than a few times in the past couple of years nikki. . . it's a terrible place to be. but i, like you, could never ever do that to my family. i guess i came to believe that it's a very mean thing to do to those that love you. if you can believe it, here i sit not even that far removed from the firey furnace and i am already thankful to God for all the trials i've endured. i believe he's shaping us, molding us, building us up . . . preparing us for His purpose for our lives here on this earth. I have never been in a chat room in my life or ever really had the desire to spend any time other than at work on a computer, but i do find great comfort and warmth here. i feel accepted and loved and for that i thank all of you.

love,

kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Mark and Kitty,

Thanks you guys. You never know how much your words encourage me and help me through out the bad days. Not saying that this day is one of them, but even for a short period of doubt you two find the words to help me out.

I thank God for bringing me this far in my life. 20 when I was just starting this journey I never thought I would ever see the day when I reached 20. It hurt too much. And here I am. Tomorrow being the day I was born. Who would of thought that little girl waiting for a family would get one, not only a family, but a family that knew about the Greatest Father, and Comforter of all times. I pray that the next twenty years... I will not waste on myself, but I will be able to help many others through my life story, and the trials that I have to endure. Even if God comes before those twenty years are up. I pray that I can look into his eyes and say... I tried. I tried my hardest to serve you, even in the midst of darkness.

Thanks for the advice you gave me Mark, about starting up a trust fund. I have a savings account that I try to put in money each week from the money I get working around the campus. Its not much, but in time that money will grow if I let it. God knows everyone's need and I know he'll show me a way. He always has and always will. May God bless you and your family, Mark, and thanks for everything

Kitty your such a light in this message board thing. You... just bring the spirit of utmost faith and hope for another day.

You both helped me Thanks.

May God bless you all.

Leaning on the Comforter

Nikki

[kagansmommy]

Thank you all so much for your kind and encouraging word's. I don't feel like I could possibly be an inspiration to anyone but if telling my story helps anyone in any way I am glad to do it. The night before Kagan went into the hospital I was screaming at God to bring it on. That I had endured every trial he piled on my plate and whatever he had give it to me because I have proved over and over I could take it and come out still standing. I never dreamed in a million years the trial he was about to give me would cost me my baby....but I am STILL standing. As hard as it has been I know I will eventually be ok. I have lost a parent and all my grandparent's and nothing compares to the loss of your child. When my Dad passed my Mom said the only thing worse than losing your husband or wife would be losing a child. I lost my husband to divorce so I don't know what the pain of having a husband pass away is like...it has to be horrible. I do know the pain from losing Kagan is undescribable and at times unbarable.

Reading everyones post's has helped me tremendously.

Thank you all again and my prayers are with you all~!!

Christy (kagansmommy)

"MOMMY LOVES YOU KAGAN"

[tinasdad]

Nikki, about all that. I have put in a call to a former coworker, and we will try to develop more ideas to share with you. In the mean time, if you need anything, just ask, and we'll do what we can to help. Mark and the family

[slowlyhealing]

Mark,

Thanks for helping me out. I don't know a whole bunch about the banking thing. I just know that I have a savings thing and I put money in it ever other week.

Mom seems to be doing well tonight. I pray that she has the strength to enjoy another day tomorrow, and enjoy some of my birthday. I know that she and I are both thrilled that she is still here to enjoy it with me even though it hard at times. I fear for what next year might bring. I don't truly know if she'll make it another year, but you never know. Its all in God's timing, not hers or mine, or the doctors.

I hope you all are doing okay tonight.

I had a somewhat odd day. I was stressed out for no apparent reason coming home, but suddenly I just felt like rolling down the window, turing of the radio, and bamm... It's like God was just speaking to me. I didn't need the radio to stay awake going home, I just needed some peace, and the warm breeze through my hair. It was wonderful. I got home, and well... nothing really. Mom had a good day. Only a couple times did I use the suction machine for mom.

I do have a prayer request though you all. You have been patient with me for so long but... My mom's van. The one we use for her wheelchair and transporting her around, it is kind done. We need to find a new or used full sized van that's has a wheelchair ramp for a reasonably low price. We were planning to take mom to the hospital in Nashville to get her wheelchair fixed and get her a new head rest, cause she can't hold her head up in this one, but... we can't until get it until we get a new van or something. Please be in prayer for that. Thanks.

Mark hows your wife? I'm praying for you and her.

Kitty how are you doing? I'm praying for you and your husband. May strength find you both.

Lauraa and Kegansmommy, please keep writing, we are all touched by your hearts and strength, may God find you both as you go through these trials. May he hold you up in his comforting arms and bring you peace.

God is still a God of love and comfort

Love and prayers

Nikki

[lauraa]

Nikki,

You are so special and I keep you in my thoughts and prayers daily. Do you have a case worker that can help you with your mother's care. They should come to your home and help with the wheelchair. Also, they could possibly give you information on any organizations that could help with a van, etc. It's out there you just have to ask....call her primary care provider and get them working on it.....maybe a social worker, too. When my husband passed and when the obituary was in the paper instead of flowers we asked that contributions be made for the children's fund and put the address of our local bank (it had to be set up first at the bank)it is tax deferred and it proved to be a very beneficial thing and it helps others to feel that they could help in any way. I felt funny about doing it but truthfully there was already a fund set up by friends who had a fund raiser for our family so at the time when my husband passed it was already in place and everyone thought in lieu of flowers was a good idea. Somehow, someway everything works out. As ow as I feel I totaly believe my love ones are at god's side and are in the most wonderful place imaginable waiting for the day that we are united again.....that is what keeps me going. You are doing an unbelievable job and I am so proud of you.

To everyone else...I know we are all together in our struggles....you all make me feel not so alone and help me gain strength...thank you all.

[slowlyhealing]

Lauraa,

Thanks for your encouraging words. I am kinda feeling a bit down today, it could be because it is so early and here I am waiting for my first class to start, and the weather doesn't look to bright. I don't know why the weather has such an affect on my emotions. Though I am going to try to make the best of this day. After all I'm 20 now! WOOHOO. God gave me life, and I will try my hardest to praise him with it. Momma was so tired this morning before I woke up, but she managed to grunt a little with a smile, and then I realized what she was trying to say. Ahh the tears are going to start flowing. She was wishing me a happy birthday. :-D I love my momma. I don't know what I'm going to do with out her, but God knows my need and knows my pain. He will give me the strength I know He will.

As for social workers and care givers for my mom, we have not yet asked someone to help with momma's care. We are still trying to do it on our own. I know when the time comes and she needs a trach... if it gets to that point, we may then need help. I just pray that both my aunt and me can face that fact. I will have to tell my aunt about a couple organizations that may help with the van. I know my friend wants to ask her church to set up a special offering for my mom, and help look for a van. I still haven't yet got to go see my pastor to see if he can search around. Our church has been so very helpful with my momma, and making her feel comfortable when we got here, and even now, though she can't come to church, she listens to it on the radio, and the pastor has been very helpful with my brothers. Hey... if I have to I'll give up the red car to get a van that works. The red car is the car I drive to school and back, but I could always get a ride from one of my teacher friends. I'll continue praying and searching.

Anywho... how are you doing today Lauraa? I hope you have found some strength. THis always helps me... Remember someone is always thinking and praying for you in this world. AND there is always someone there. God. Its a miricle that God would even want to be near me, but... with loving and comforting arms he holds me. Sometimes we can't always feel him, but think of that as a test. Will we pull further away, in our time of need or will we press closer and closer until we finally do feel his arms again.

Hey, the sky's still blue, and the sun is bound to shine sometime during this day, and if not here its shining somewhere else. Hopefully on you

Well I'm going to seach online for some sort of wheelchair van thingy. Thanks for your thougths and prayers.

Heres my song for the day, God bless you all! Its another day!!!!!

Can't Live a Day

Avalon

I could live life alone

And never fill the longings of my heart

The healing warmth of someone's arms

And I could live without dreams

And never know the thrill of what could be

With every star so far and out of reach

I could live without many things

And I could carry on, but

I couldn't face my life tomorrow

Without Your hope in my heart I know

I can't live a day without You

Lord, there's no night and there's no morning

Without Your loving arms to hold me

You're the heartbeat of all I do

I can't live a day without You

I could travel the world

See all the wonders beautiful and new

They'd only make me think of You

And I could have all life offers

Riches that were far beyond compare

To grant my every wish without a care

Oh, I could do anything, oh yes

But if You weren't in it all

Jesus, I live because You live

You're like the air I breathe

Oh Jesus, oh, I have because You give

You're everything to me

by C. Harrington, J. Beck, T. Lacy

[erinsmom]

Good Morning All! and HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIKKI!!

Kagansmom - I couldn't agree more, I believe there is nothing worse than the loss of a child. Though my daughter was 24 at the time of her death last May 6th, I loved her as though she was just a toddler like Kagan. . . . I guess that never ends.

It's so unnatural! Your children are flesh of your flesh - blood of your blood! I know how you ache.

I just want to tell you today that your life can be a wonderful and happy one again. I am living proof. I was DEVESTATED. Wanted to die, actually I was killing myself by self-medicating with alcohol because of my severe depression. Bad idea! It takes time, but eventually I made peace with Erin's death and I've accepted it and am doing ALL I CAN TO HONOR HER LIFE by making my life one that God is pleased with. I've had to pray until I am blue in the face for two years now to have the unforgiveness, resentment, hurt, anger, bitterness removed from my heart. . . . it's happening. I AM A NEW CREATURE - just like God's word tells us. . . . we can change, we can be transformed!

Life can and will be good again if you Go with God. . . . His promises are real. I'm praying for you kagansmom and lauraa and nikki!!

CHOOSE LIFE,

kitty

[lauraa]

Kitty...thank you for your prayers..I need them. I know what it is like to loose friends, sibling, grandarents, parents and husband. They are all hard. I think it depends of the debth of love that was shared..."We grieve as deep as we loved". I always thought my husband would be with me when my dad passed but he couldn't help me as he was sick but I know he was mentally with me. I miss them all very much and now I am picking up the pieces and trying to move on,,,it is so hard. But, I know I'm strong and god will help pull me thru this....

Nikki, Happy Birthday to you! Your momma loves you so much....just be with her as much as you can today and enjoy.....

[erinsmom]

Hold On Lauraa. . . . . Some days it's so hard to put one foot in front of the other. . . I remember VERY well. I wanted to tell you guys that for three months last summer I took an antidepressant and it helped me tremendously. I took something called Lexapro and it was a Godsend. For me, I just needed it for three months - it helped me to get out of the deep dark fog that desended on me after the shock of Erin's death wore off. I don't want to push the idea of a magic pill that will make all the pain go away . . . I just know that for me, my serotonin levels wore down to the point where I needed a "jump start". . . Ultimately, God will see each of us through and He is our true source of healing. I hope no one is offended by telling you of my positive experience with an antidepressant.

I'm so sorry for your loss Lauraa. . . it must be awful to lose your hubby. Last year, soon after Erin died on May 6th I made a memorial garden for her in my yard. . . It was beautiful! And so healing to work in. . . I had a little plaque and angels for her. . . when I would work in it and weed it, butterflies would come all around. . . I wonder if something like that might be a good thing for you to consider doing? I love going to sit in Erin's garden in the summer. I am in NH so it's not anywhere near summer yet or flower time - but I really look forward to that healing time again.

GOD BLESS YOU,

Kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Thanks you all. God will see us all through. Even on the rain cloudy painful, stressful days.

I have one more class today and I have to work a little bit but I think I'll finally get to go home somewhere around three. Its an hour drive so I'll be home around 4, and then who knows we might just watch HAPPY not sad movies all night long.

How are you all today? Kitty how are you doing? Lauraa, hang in there. We are all praying for you. May God see all of you through.

I'm taking today one breath at a time. Stress is definaitly here with me today, but I'll make it through.

Kitty I like your idea for the memorial garden for you Erin. That's a really cute and smart idea. I bet the flowers look beautiful and remind you of her.

Thank God, he gives us memories and things to help us remember our loved ones.

Remember:

The best and most beautiful things in the world

cannot be seen or even touched.

They must be felt with the heart.

Helen Keller

I couldn't say it better. We have all lost someone in our lives and though we can't touch them or see them anymore... we have them forever ingrained (spell check) in our minds and hearts. May God bless you and fill you with the good memories you had with your loved ones, and may you be able to share your stories and inspire others to be strong and hold on. God will forever be with his Children, even in the midst of trials. You are all in my thoughts and prayers

Love and prayers, and another breath,

Nikki

[lauraa]

Thank you guys....I really appreciate it....Have a great day. I am considering an antidepressant but I always like to go the natural route and not take meds just because of all the bad press about side effects?? Plus how can a med take my feelings away and all the hurt...isn't it a process we all have to go thru?? I don't know? I do feel very low on energy though...I could use a vacation to just sit on my butt and rest and forget about everything here that needs to be done........Nikki...Movies are what got us all thru the holidays...it was great. Somehow it helps you get lost and forget alittle. And, I am a gardener and do plan a memorial garden for my husband...I already started it. On my husbands anniversay the kids and I are going to get helium balloons and write a message and let them go hopefully all together but that might be tough......It is amazing how all the emotions from a year ago all racing back....I have been amazed by all the things this past year that have been difficult to get through......we will get through it! Everyone please have a great day. Breathe love in and breathe anxiety out.

[erinsmom]

excellent advice! i like that. . . .

breathe love in - breathe anxiety out. . . . ahhhhhhhhhh . . . feels good.

[slowlyhealing]

a long and stressful day at school is finally over. I am now breathing again. ahhhh yup that does feel a lot better.

Hope you all are doing okay. May God help you through the rest of your day.

God is still a God of love and mercy.

Love and prayers to all

Nikki

[erinsmom]

Isn't it wonderful that we have our merciful God to go to and lean on and fall into? i honestly don't know how people get through this life without our Heavenly Father. . . . it boggles me.

And it just keeps getting better. As baby Christians we dip our toes in and then we start to wade out deeper. . . the more I go out into my spiritual journey the bigger the ocean seems to get. It's so awesome! There is an endless supply of wisdom, comfort, strength and even entertainment in God's word. If I live to be old and gray I will still be learning. . . . How exciting is that?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIKKI - YOU'VE GOT THE FAVOR OF GOD GIRLFRIEND! NEVER FORGET IT.

[tinasdad]

Nikki, happy happy b day eh? I'm gonna call a few old friends in low places and see what happens on the van. We'll just pray for the Lord to provide the right one at the right time. If you wish, I will ask a few choice people to pray with us confidentially on this too. I believe in the power of prayer.

Don't you love it when He quietly lets you know He is right by your side? It may not be in the earthquake, or the whirlwind, but that quiet voice you need to turn off the radio and still your heart to hear. It's well worth hearing.

Kitty, having lost three cousins violently, and now with my wife in the last stage of a slow painful illness, I am seeing death by so many facets. As I go through this, I feel the emotional upheaval as we all do, but I also feel comfort from God. As a musician, I once got into so many "ways" of dealing with feelings, but the peace from knowing we have a constant companion Who will be here by our sides day and night is far better than all those things. We started doing the garden here and it makes us feel like we're spending time with those we love who are now in eternity.

As for the antidepressants, I recommend them in counseling when a person is thinking too much about death, suicide, or is deeply depressed. A few months with a mild med like Lexapro may help considerably. Just be aware that it may take up to four weeks to notice any positive effect from the med.

Take care now, and keep me posted on how you're doing. Mark

[slowlyhealing]

Mark and Kitty and Lauraa and everyone else. Thanks for the birthday wishes.

For me... it just felt like another day, until I got home and there my mom was with a big huge grin on her face. Oh how it lightened my bad day. For some reason... I started out this day feeling like a 100 year old woman instead of a 20 year old. I'm getting through. My mom got me the rest of the silverware, I have been collecting for when I get out on my own. I have a few dish towels and now all I need is plates, unless I want to eat off the floor... but ehhh... probably not.

Thanks for the prayers for a van. I'm searching, but... right now my whole heart isn't set on this thing. The van is the least of my problems, but I really do want one in case... in case something happens to mom. So we'll continue searching and praying and praying and searching. Mark I would appreciate the extra prayers thanks for asking.

Lately my faith... has been tested on so many levels, and for some reason, I again feel lost. I've been praying, but sometimes I don't feel our Comforter. I remember all the people who have been tested before me, I remember my mom... Even though she has this disease... she has not turned. I don't want to... I refuse myself to go down that path of pain and anger again. I don't want to feel worthless... even though the world says I am, It's not what the world sees... for the world lies... Its what God sees... please pray that I never forget that. Even as the trials and test keep coming.

It feels so good though... to say I made it 20 years. I hope I have another 20... this time I refuse to let these years go to waste.

Okay... I've blabbled enough for tonight. Thanks for you thoughts and prayers. May God bless you and your families.

God is still in control, and God will take care of His children.

Nikki

[erinsmom]

Good Morning All,

Nikki, I know exactly how you are feeling and I would bet the farm that most of us who have walked with the Lord for any amount of time have felt the tug of wanting to "give up" . . . . My honest experience is this: The darkest time is right before the victory. My darkest times are when I don't feel or sense the presence of God, that is a terrible feeling! But I urge you to HOLD ON. I would even go one step further and urge you to Praise God and thank Him continually during your weakest and most alone moments. You will be rewarded for your faithfulness. Cast out all unbelief - I believe this alone pleases God more than anything we can do. Ridding ourselves of any unbelief opens wide the channel for Him to move in and REFRESH AND RESTORE.

Mark, what an awesome son you are to our Heavenly Father! A blessing to us here! I'm so sorry for what your wife is enduring, and you too having to deal with the helplessness. You know, the two years before my beautiful daughter died were a living hell for me. As unnatural as this might sound, when she passed it was a relief. Watching someone you love so intensely suffer is so cruel. May God lift you higher and higher and lather you with the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Love,

kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Good morning you all. I do believe this is going to be a better day. Well... I'll make it a better day, at least try.

I don't know what was wrong with me. Maybe it was the lack of sleep.

Thanks Kitty for your encouragement and your ideas. I will definaitly try to do everything you said. We do need to praise God even though we are in our weakest moments. God will bring us through all of our trials, even when it feels as though we can't feel him, that's only cause to pray to him more and more. I guess... the only question is what is the right way to pray. I have been asked that and I have asked myself that a lot lately. I put it as though you devote your whole heart and mind and talk to God as though he was just right there. Like a friend that you haven't seen for a while and you just want to tell him everything. It's been hard to do that lately but I am still trying. I also consider little prayers like, Father just help me get through this day. A prayer... and Thank you so much for what just happened, God.

Kitty and Mark you have been such a blessing in my life, especially when I just needed to talk, you encouraged me. I thank God for getting to know you and your stories, and I pray that He'll make you stronger as he pulls you through. Kitty you keep holding true to God's word, and Mark you too.

May God bless you all today, and Give you the strength that is needed to make it through. God has blessed us with another day, and another breath! Let us use it to glorify him even in our trials

Love and prayers,

Nikki

[erinsmom]

each time i read a post from you nikki, i end up with a smile on my face. that's because i know solidly that you are so pleasing to God and He is beaming with pride because you are fully His blessed and loving daughter.

my take on praying. . . . JUST DO IT! there were many days when my only prayer was "HELP"!!!!! i remember muttering under my breathe many times, "God, help me. God, help me. God, help me" over and over - that's all that could come out. Praying is very personal Nikki. My interpretation of what God's word is that we are to pray sincerely, from our heart. . . genuinely and truly from our heart. Eloquent words or intelligent banter is not what impresses our Father.

in case you are in any doubt, please know that your prayers are a sweet melody to our Father and you are getting it right. JUST DO IT.

For me, there is 100% proof and certainty that prayer is a very powerful tool and that GOD ANSWERS PRAYER. it's sometimes hard to remember that our timing is not God's timing. we need to remember, though, that God's timing is perfect.

Love,

kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Hey Kitty,

Your right... I love your take on prayer. JUST DO IT. I mean it doesn't have to be a big alborite (spell check) prayer with fancy words, words that you probably don't even know the meaning too. For me thats a lot of words. lol. Just pray. Like he's your best friend. After all, look what he gave us. I don't think an enemy would have given us love, and freedom from our sins. I don't think our enemy would have his son die for us. Nope... at least not my enemies... :-/

I believe we all doubt at times... but we need to becareful. I mean... look around us and see all the things that are of this world and of the devil, and the things that trip us up all the time. Its not always the big things that stop us in our tracks and smacks us down to the ground. Its the little things.

God timing is PERFECT. He is perfect so anything he does... well most likely

*(HAS TO BE)* perfect. My timing... and my plans don't always meet what He has for me, and I'll get frusterated and angry because things didn't go my way, and then I look back, and see if it did go my way... well lets just say If I had to rule the world EVERYONE would be in deeeeeeeppp trouble. I'm so glad I don't have that responsablity. I think I would die. I have enough on my paper plate as is. I'm so glad we have a Lord that is willing to take care of us all, and to love us enough to give up the most perfect and precious gift, His child, just to save you and me. How marvelous is our God?!!

May God bless you as you continue about your day you all. Remember God still knows your thoughts and hearts, and no matter where you are He can change you and the situation you are in, if it is in his timing and his will.

Love and prayers, and yet another day! Yes I made it through the morning! woohoo.

Nikki

[tinasdad]

Resting against my computer monitor are reminders of my greatest joys. I have photos of my wife, three children and grandson. As hard as life can be at times, and as morbid as I have seen it, they fill my thoughts with life and laughter. When I'm with my friend at church, I am so content, because we speak the same words and think the same thoughts, that is of our Lord who gave everything to save us from ourselves and from the judgment we deserve. Sometimes I may wonder about His ways, but I can say that He has never let me down. It is the communion of the saints that has taught me through the years the awesome power of prayer. I believe in it so much, and I have seen its work in so many ways. I agree that we don't need flowery prayer to be effective, because some of the people I've known weren't known for etiquette, and still had powerful prayers.

Nikki, I am so thankful for you and the way you have made such an impact in our family. You are constantly in my prayers. I am working on your request, and have a few people even trying to get some funding lined up so your Mom can have the van she needs. I'll do everything I can to help. I'll keep in touch about the progress. If you have questions, or other info that can help out in looking for the van, you can use this forum to talk, or send it to my studio e-mail address. Trust in Him with all your heart. Mark

[slowlyhealing]

Mark,

Thank you so very much for looking for that van. I never thought someone would be so kind to try to start up a fund for my momma's needs. I... I don't know what to say. Here I am worrying about this and trying to look things up while trying not to be stressed, and I forgot about all the people who are praying for me and my family and the needs we have. Thank you so so very much.

May God bless you and your family. You have blessed so many with your story, and your strong faith, may your faith continue to be strong, and may both of ours continue to grow.

How is your wife? May God wrap his arms around you and protect you and your family at this time.

Thanks again for your prayers, and your encouragement for me to grow and move on with my journey.

Nikki

[tinasdad]

Hi, Nikki! My wife is having a pretty good day today. This is relative, you know. A good day is one where she doesn\'t scream in pain constantly, and today has gone well. The pain was low and she functioned without too much fatigue (the arch nemesis -hehehe). It was a good day all round, and I was able to do some repairs on my \'chair ramp that needed tending. Thank you for caring and praying for her and us during this difficult time. With all you have going on, I don\'t know how you find the time to fit praying for another family into your life: but I appreciate that you do.

Now, as for you, my dear young friend, please try to stop that worrying. I know it\'s hard to do, because I wrote an advanced users guide to the worriers manual. lol. We help people out of the love we have for our Lord, just as He has commanded us to do. My daughter teases me about having a big heart that gets me into trouble. I don\'t know about that, but I know I enjoy seeing people happy, and like to help people who need a little help.

With all of your responsibilities, it must be so difficult to juggle the scheduling, and I pray that you are able to daily make time with God, and His Word. I know it\'s straining even on my time, and I don\'t work the \"normal\" hours like the rest of the world. I see by what you write that you know the Word, and that says you are reading it, and your faith is strong, which shows me you are devoted to prayer. You are amazing to be so strong through this.

If I dare to be so bold to say this, I know a family in a similar situation, and these two were friends of mine in Bible college. When it all came down, I just couldn\'t believe it until I heard it for myself. I admit that it shook up my faith a bit, but God faithfully stood by me through that and has helped me understand it so I can better help others going trough these difficult times.

I am busy into the details of the van for your Mom, and I may need to talk to you in a couple of days about it. I pray that she will have a good day tomorrow and need very little care on your part so you can tend to your work. For you, I pray that you may concentrate,not worry, and totally cast these cares on Jesus, the One Who cares for you. Talk to you later, Mark

[slowlyhealing]

Mark,

Okay... I'll TRY not to worry so much. I know God never means for us to worry. I don't know why... I think something is wrong with my genetic make-up or something, cause I am a worryholic. if there is such thing. I'm still learning to take it one day at a time, and one breath after another, and don't worry about the future, even though at the time being it may not look so bright, God will always put something in there to throw you for a loop and smile :-D

Now do you have any of these worry manuals at hand. lol. I might need the worry manual for dummies though. so until you make one for that... I don't know if I'm going to be able to follow along.

Lately it seems there is so much stress in my family. Not only with my mom, but with my aunts family. My cousin is going through a brutal custody battle, my uncle is sick almost all the time, we are still trying to figure out what is wrong there, we think it may be something with his breathing or something to that sort. My aunt has some sort of health issue too. Man alive! Its like I'm walking into the ocean and I'm getting smacked on everyside. I know God stills the crazy oceans though, I pray that he'll make this one a little more calmer, so I can at least breathe some air sometime.

I told my mom about you all looking for a van for her, and trying to help out, and you should have just seen her eyes lighten up. She has had a good day! Thanks for your prayers They work!!!!

Momma is glad that I'm talking to people like you and Kitty, cause I mean usually I just shut down, and I know that isn't healthy, but... ever since I've been on this message board you two are the ones that first truly took me in and showed me that God is still in control, and He still loves and cares for me even when I can't feel his presence, He's still there when I cry out and he hears my prayers.

Sadly I haven't been reading my bible as I should. I have gotten back into reading it though. I'm in John right now. I have never truly read through the whole bible yet, but... in time. My prayer life... well... its there. Sometime I feel like it doesn't help, but I know God hears me, and I know he knows my heart. Maybe its just the test I'm going through. I'll just keep on trying to push harder and closer to him, until I can feel his presence again. I just hope I make him proud. I know I don't ALL the time, but... I try, I truly do, and I think that has to count for something. I always make time to thank him, for the simple things. THe air, the blue sky, a new day, a new breath, and new friends. Then I try to make sure I remember all my friends in the prayer, and their families, and then I pray for my needs. Simply strength, faith, hope, and love. Thats all I truly need to make it through my day, and of course Him by my side.

I'm glad you and your wife had a relatively good day. I bet there are somedays, most days where you just wish you could take her pain away. I can tell that, thats just the kind of person you are. But you also know and realize that God will see both of you through, even the roughest of days. I'm glad you got some work done around the house. I still haven't yet tackled my bedroom, and tomorrow its going to be a jammed packed day. I have to go back tomorrow to college to take this yearly testing thing for Human Services and Counseling students, I SOOOOO don't want to go, but my friend that I met just last semester said that she would like to get together and hang out afterwards, so I might stay there until about 3 to hang out maybe go to the bookstore. I LOVE BOOKS. I need to find a good devotional, maybe one that covers the bible front to back, cause for me the bible isn't the easiest Book to understand, so maybe I can find one of those there. I hope. And then I'll come home and clean house before the company arrives, and then the DAY after tomorrow... Ahhh getting ahead in schedule. My brother is going to prom. :-O Crazy! I tell you all. Time just goes so fast. God has just blessed our family in so many ways. It was like just yesterday when I was five pulling my three year old brother across the floor with a dog leash. Yea... those are the memories you got to hang on to.

Well I must go. I've blabbled enough yet again. May God bless you all, and keep your family safe tonight.

Thanks Mark for everything, thought and prayers. Tell your wife I said hello, and I am praying for her, and your family.

Love and prayers,

I am STILL here!

Nikki

[tinasdad]

Nikki, if the world gets to piling up on you and you need to talk to a friend, I am kicking around a bit online and if you so choose you may try to hit my IM or even e-mail me. It would give you a bit more freedom to speak, and of course, that's your choice. I will talk to you in either format. I will pray for the test, and you make sure to study hard, but get some rest. lol.

Have fun tomorrow, and read a few books for me. I love books too. My children would all rather read a book than watch the tv anyday. I'm glad to hear your Mom is so happy with this news. catch ya later. Mark

[slowlyhealing]

I'm a heading of to bed you all. Sleep will hopefully come much easier after I do my devotion and prayer.

Thanks Mark. I'll remember what you said and I will definaitly (spell check) drop you a line if I ever just need to cry. Seems like I do that a lot even AT happy times. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!! eee... Maybe God's just trying to clear my head.

I will be a reading up a storm tomorrow, after the test and I get home and finish stuff, and if mom doesn't need me, cause she's most important right now. Got to love my mom. Okay I'm heading off.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. May you all have a great night, or day... depending where you all are.

God bless

Nikki

[lauraa]

Dear Nikki, Kitty and Mark and all,

Thank you all for your beautiful post and support of one another. I will kee you all in my heart and in my prayers for strength to get thru each day.

Mark...please let me know if I can help in anyway to help Nikki with the wheelchair Van or anything.

Nikki...my friend told me that I stink at asking for help! She is right...it is hard but I think at times like this we really need to do that. And remember, it helps others to be able to help. I don't know what I can do but ask away.

Kitty, thank you for you inspiration in helping get out of the dulldrums here. I never knew how low I could sink. My sorrow is so deep.

It is amazing when we go thru these things how every word, smile, kiss, dream, memory, etc. matters in such a huge and powerful way. I can honestly say I never took anything for granted and cherished every moment when my husband was alive and that is what I have to hold onto now that he has "passed on". I will never say he died as I don't believe that......he "passed on" and he is here always with me in spirit.....he is closer to me than my own heart as Robin Renee says. I never knew a body could produce so many tears and I never knew my heart could actually feel broken. It is a grief that is unexplainable. It is hollow. I have been shaken to my very core....I guess to my soul! I world lost a great one when my husband "passed". I am trying to carry on his legacy with dignity and grace the best I can...I hope the Lord is watching me and guiding me and not to disappointed in me for wavering thru my hurt and disappointment. I pray for you Nikki as I see so much of myself in you.....your a great one! You inspire me at the ripe age of 20.....god has something planned very special for you. I know it! Mark, I will pray that god keeps you strong for the days ahead. I have some real challenges in the next 3 weeks and I Would appreciate it if you all could pray for god to lift me in order to do them.....I am coming from a place of extreme low energy and what I need to do will require that I reach to the depths of my soul to be able to do them. Today I will quiet myself and keep you all in my heart and in my prayers and I talk with god.

[erinsmom]

Good Morning Glory!!

It's a GORGEOUS day in New Hampshire, a bit cool but the sun is glorious! I was just reading in Paul's letter to the Romans how God placed a "knowing" in each of our hearts that He is indeed real. . . that we somehow intuitively know He is God and He does exist because of things like His beautiful creations through nature. . . . it went on to say something like God gave man a knowing in his heart that God exists and that man has to literally choose not to believe or follow.

All that to say this:

LISTEN TO YOUR HEARTS AND TRUST WHAT GOD HAS PLACED THERE. A knowing. . . . . GOD IS ALIVE . . . . He sent His precious Son to RESCUE us.

The word God gave me for the day? FREEFALL.

Mark you are the bomb! God has been so good to you - you are a blessing to many. Nikki you are the bombette! FREEFALL sweetie! Lauraa - REST ASSURED that God has your back and you are entering a new cycle very soon. The pain in your heart will ease and you will celebrate the incredible gift you were given of your husband. . . I PRAISE GOD THAT YOU DIDN'T TAKE A MINUTE OF YOUR LIFE TOGETHER FOR GRANTED WITH HIM. . . How many of us can say that? Not me! You got me to thinking girl. THANK YOU.

I love you All,

Kitty