I Believe in God...

[tinasdad]

Nikki, while being there in person is impossible, I hope you are comforted by knowing that we are here praying for you. I pray for you to have hope and peace through your suffering, and strength while you care so tenderly for your Mom. I pray for your Mom to be able to continue showering you with her love through her eyes. You know, we may be unable to be there to hold your hand, hug you and pray with you in person, but we are still praying with you.

I don't want to upset you with too much of my world, but I understand your anguish, because my wife is in the end stage of her illness. Even though the path I walk is dreadful, I know by faith the way will lead me to perfect peace.

[slowlyhealing]

Tinasdad,

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Last night was a difficult night, stress at home and... the stress of school seemed to all combine into one large headache. I know that in time my mom will be heading to a place of wonder and a place of no more pain. It still hurts though, doesn't it. To know that the one you love is not going to be there in person, but we can all hold on to that person in our thoughts and memories, and in time it will come to be where we will take the journey home. My faith is struggled now, but I know I'm heading towards the right path. My faith in the Comforter is slowly coming back to where it needs to be. If it wasn't for Him I would no longer be here. I would have given up years ago, but thank the Lord our God for believing in me and loving me through the difficult times.

I pray for you and your family tinasdad. I have never lost a spouse or a boyfriend for that matter, and I don't know what your need is for you and your family, but I pray that it will be met.

Thank you for the prayers, I felt them last night.

May God bless you and lead you all to a place of peace and comfort.

Nikki

[slowlyhealing]

I love this song... And I wanted to share it with all of you. Its funny how we fight battles everyday, and people think we are so very strong, but really we are all like children when it comes to pain. We want to be held when we fall down. We want to be comforted when things happen in our lives and we feel so alone. We are never alone, even though the darkness is all around us. We have God, and he is the true comforter and he'll give us the strength we need to make it through our battles

Warrior Is A Child

by Twila Paris

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight

People say that I'm amazing

Strong beyond my years

But they don't see inside of me

I'm hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Cause deep inside this armour

The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest

People say that I'm amazing

Never face retreat

But they don't see the enemies

That lay me at His feet

Chorus

I drop my sword and look up for His smile

Because deep inside this armour

Deep inside this armour

Deep inside this armour

The Warrior is a Child

[erinsmom]

That was awesome Nikki - thank you!

Yes, praise God that he reduces us to a child like state when we are truly walking with Him. It's a good thing really. Children of God BELIEVE, TRUST and LOVE with all their heart and soul and never weary of well doing.

You are a WELL DOER!!

When we are truly Children of God, He's got us right where He wants us!

Nikki, I am so inspired by you this week that I can't tell you how you've affected me. You are a blessing and you will be blessed beyond your wildest dreams! Keep on fighting the good fight girlfriend! Never, ever forget that God's got your back.

Love,

Kitty

[BIJulie]

Hi all -- we are making some changes to the Beliefs and Religion boards. We want to keep this board focused on God and people that believe in Him. This board should be for support for believers. Those that dispute the existence in God, should move over to the My Belief Is... board. We feel this will enable people to have a more positive experience.

Your help with this is greatly appreciated.

Julie

[erinsmom]

Bravo Julie!

The website's decision is a GREAT one. I know I appreciate it very much.

Thank you,

Kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Kitty, You are also a great inspiration to others around you and me. Thank you for your kind encouraging words. God is still God and he will care and love all of us if we let him. Even through the hard times! Oh how I long to be closer to him now more than ever, especially with my mom sick and I really have no one else to turn to, but Him. Yes I struggle now and then and what believer doesn't? We live in a world that is so full of pain and hurt and we don't always understand why God lets us go through such things. Today I feel much better knowing that I don't need to know the answers, God has it planned out. God knows how much I can handle, and when I feel like I'm up to what I can handle and I feel as though I am going to break I can turn to Him and tell him my feelings and my hurts and my pains. I also have friends, though they are far and few, I know that if I truly need a human touch or word I can turn to them, I consider you Kitty as one of my friends, hope you don't mind. God knew that when I posted my message here that someone would respond, someone who can help me not only emotionally but even spiritually.

I want to thank you all for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself.

Your friend

Nikki

[slowlyhealing]

Here is another song that helps me get through the days. Its called Greatest story. Our lives are stories. Others look at us and expect to see something or know something about our being. We all live in pain, and suffering. Some have suffered greatly, and some have suffered little, but its all in our story. When we get to heaven our stories will be presented, our pains and hurts written down and our happy moments too. What an ending that story will be when we meet our Comforter face to face, and we see ever extent of his glorious plan he had for our lives.

Avalon - The Greatest Story Lyrics

Some days your own resolve is strong

And other days you bend

it's two steps forward, one step back

and a stumble now and then

You wonder if you'll ever really make the difference

you've prayed that you will

Well, I know that prayer will be fulfilled 'cause

(Chorus)

Your life woven day by day

is a new design of the glory God displays

on the canvas of creation

Through the poem of history

in the pattern of redemption

running through the tapestry

Your life in christ can be

the greatest story ever told

You cannot see the hands of God

or feel the grace that flows

from Him through you to those you touch

In ways you'll never know

you cannot measure worth by human standards

That's always a lie

oh, you have to see through heaven's eyes how...

(Chorus)

In the light of eternity

Standing face to face you will finally see

for the very first time you'll understand

your perfect place in the master plan and how...

(Chorus)

May God bless you all and comfort your hearts.

Nikki

[ilovekm]

Right now, Homesick, by Mercy Me is the song I love to hear. It is just how I feel.

MercyMe - Homesick

From the album Undone

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Label: Integrity Music

KLove is on 24 hours a day in our home now. Even though Kelly was just my fiance I am still getting the rings we had designed. I am sending the other one to his niece and wearing mine.

[slowlyhealing]

That is a wonderful song ilovekm.

I have heard it so many times on the radio, and everytime it touches me, because there is so much that I don't understand at times, and sometimes I don't feel God's strength around me, and I want to go "home". The pain is to great here on earth. But then I realize that God gave me life for a reason. The the pain is still so very real he holds his children close and he gives us the strength to move on. It takes time, and it takes his healing touch.

May God bring you all peace through the trials ahead. In prayer.

Nikki

I think I have sent this song before to this message board, I'm not sure. But I heard it driving home one day, and I almost had to stop the car because... the tears were rolling. How wonderful is our God to make a place like heaven, a place where there is no more fear or sorrow, or doubt...

This song tells of that place, and it seems to fit exactly what I'm going through. To my heart to your alls.

No more Pain, by Point of Grace

She sits by the window with wandering eyes

She has a song in her heart and a golden disguise

Her body is torn because age doesn't heal

She's not letting on about the pain that she feels

But she knows in her soul that it won't be too long

'Til Jesus comes back to carry her home...

Chorus

Where there will be no more pain

No more sorrow

No more waiting

For illusive tomorrows

There will be no more pain

My mind's eye remembers the trouble I've seen

All I have been through, and how I long to be free

But I learn by her patience that I need her resolve

To wait for the opening of eternity's halls

And I know that in time we will stand side by side

When Jesus comes back receiving His bride

Chorus

No more pain

[ilovekm]

Thank you slowlyhealing.... if anyone on here wants to you can e mail me and stuff. I would gladly take any friends at this time. just to talk would be sooo nice.... I have talked with my daughter and we are going on with as many plans as we can. I am looking into having my last name changed, I am going to get my nurses career and we are going to adopt 3 babies to raise as if they were his and mine. He was adopted. They will have his last name that way!!! which is what I want. I am also getting the rings and I am going to wear mine. I am sending his to his niece. She loves pretty things. God Bless Everyone.

[slowlyhealing]

ilovekm,

I would enjoy having a friend to talk to. I live pretty much in the middle of no where, and all my friends live back up in chicago. I don't talk to them very much anymore. I pray for all of them of course. SOmetimes through trials you truly know who you can count on, and who your true friends are. God surely provides for us. I will gladly email you if ya give me ya email address. If any of ya want to email me, I'll email back I promise. nicolekshaw85@yahoo.com

Its awesome that your going ahead with plans. A nurses career sound like hard work, but as long as you love it and you can work there, God will use you to do his work. Its awesome to hear about adoption. I am adopted. I was adopted at age 4, I would never change my life. I wouldn't risk loosing the memories I have about my parents. Its a true miracle, and I know though my dads gone and my mom is leaving I will hold on to those memories forever. I want to adopt some day. Once I get on feet, and can provide for another, I will as long as its God will. I feel like God has built me to be a mom. I have always loved children, their lives are like the wonder of God, you never know whats going to happen, but in the end their there, and everything will turn out alright.

Tonight I am stronger, and I know God is with me. I pray for all of you. May you all find peace, and happiness even in the dark times.

Praise be to the Lord, I am still here

Nikki

Psalms 18

I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my delieverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. (verses 1-3)

I'll let you read the rest of this psalms on your own. It is a true wonder how God loves and protects us in the midst of the enemies.

[slowlyhealing]

Lord,

I feel your love and strength tonight. Thank you for your comfort. Please bless my new found friends as they too grieve. I know it is not easy for anyone to loose someone close, but please give them the strength to make it through the night or day. Please bless our homes, and remember your children down on this planet of loss and pain. Help us to take it one breath at a time and one moment after another. Amen.

Goodnight ya'll. God bless you

Nikki

[slowlyhealing]

Good almost afternoon you all. I know that today is another day, and though I don't know what today brings I'm going to try my hardest to see the good instead of the bad. Mom had a little bumpy start to the night last night, but... Hopefully when I return from school today she will be okay.

THis Schiavo case really brought it home for a lot of us out there who are suffering with dying family members. I know our God is in control, but the pain is still so real. My momma has a feeding tube, and has had it for a year and a half. I truly don't understand the pain that family is in, because I only know a few things of their situation. I know that the parents wanted to keep the daughter alive, and the husband said that this was not what his wife wanted. I think I understand if Terri TRULY didn't want to be kept alive in the condition she was in but why did the courts and family have to wait so long. Maybe I'm just confused. My heart breaks for her family at this time, but a part of me is joyful because Terri doesn't have to suffer anymore she can walk and talk with our Lord. Am I wrong for my feelings? Are any of you too feeling this way?

I know our Lord is in control, and when it comes time to where my mothers and God's wishes need to be fulfilled, Give me the strength Lord to do them.

God bless you all as you go through this day. May strength and hope comfort you in the midst of you all's pain

Nikki

[slowlyhealing]

Today has been a long day, but with God's help I got through it. It is almost nine o'clock over here, and I am so worn out. I usually don't work on Fridays, but I'm schedualed to do so tomorrow. I pray that God gives me the strength and another good day. It seems my patience is being tested a lot more, but I know that with God's help I can make it through.

Mom is doing okay. She's sleeping a little more during nights, which is healthy for all of us. I know that there are going to be more good nights and then there are going to be the bad nights. I thank God that He is with me through them all.

I hope you all are okay. I pray that God is giving you the strength and comfort needed at this time. Remember He'll always provide for his children, even if its something we don't think we need at the time, if it comes from God... Then I think we need it, and we better grab a hold.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

Here is one of my momma's favorite songs.

Jaci Velasquez - God Loves You Lyrics

In the quiet, love is reaching.

It?s yours to hold,

Be still and know that

Even when you?re lost and lonely,

And hope is gone, you?re not alone.

Far beyond the understanding,

There's a hand that leads,

If you believe.

Through the darkness, see the light.

Remember God loves you.

The road ahead is long and winding.

With eyes of faith, you?ll find the way, yeah.

And when the journey leaves you weary,

You can rest in the comfort of heaven?s arms -

Sweet loving arms.

And peace will follow.

Peace be with you always,

As you go.

For now you know that...

Through the darkness, there?s a light.

Remember God loves you.

When you open up your heart,

His love will meet you where you are.

He will always be a part of everything you do.

He is here to set you free,

And give you all the strength you need

To carry on, to carry on.

Through the darkness, see the light.

Remember God loves you. (remember, remember)

Remember God loves you.

Always in my prayers and thoughts

Nicole

[erinsmom]

I am in a sort of fog as once again in such a short time we are facing the death of a family member - this time it's my husband's mother. she is a smoker and was diagnosed with lung cancer on March 2nd, I mean this past March 2nd, 2005. On March 9th she was rushed to the hospital in intolerable pain and she was very confused, it was discovered she has 6 cancerous tumors in her brain on that evening. She has been able to be home and going back and forth to Dartmouth Hitchcock in Lebanon, NH Mon. - Fri. for radiation since then. Then at 4:11 a.m. yesterday morning (Thurs. March 31st) we received a call she was being brought by ambulance to Dartmouth again. It was horrific when we arrived up there yesterday morning about 5:00 a.m. She was not the same woman I ever knew, she was thrashing and violent and in such horrible pain - it was so terrible to see. We were told her brain was swelling and bleeding and there was nothing for them to do. She is in a unit at Hitchcock called "palative care" . . . I think that's the name, it is a place where people go for pain management while they are dying. Yesterday was awful. She is the oldest of six sisters. . . . my husband is a mess. This all happened so fast. Please pray for Christine. . . she is probably going to die today or, it may be tomorrow but it will be very soon. She is very, very out of it on morphine but it is still so awful to see her like that. I HATE CIGARRETTES! Her first grandchild, my nephew was just born on January 12, 2005!!! This is such a tragedy. And she didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. . . . I know our loving and gracious Father will welcome her home. Please pray for my mother in law Christine and my husband Leo. My husband does not have a relationship with Jesus either, I continue to pray that someday he will. Thank you All. . . in spite of this all, our God is a kind and loving God, He will take care of us all.

Love,

Kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Kitty,

I know that watching someone die, especially when you don't really know what you can do to help is almost like your dying yourself. Watching my mom die... even though there are times where I can help... hurts me so very much. I don't understand why God puts us in these types of situations, but I know that He is still very much there with us. For the nonbeliever it is hard to witness someone so close suffer so, but it could also be a chance for you, Kitty... To show him that God is still here, and He loves everyone, and wants a personal realationship with him. No doubt that it will have its hard times. But with prayer from you, me, and others... I know that your family will be able to make through the dark times that lie ahead.

Always in prayer,

Your friend

Nikki

God WILL see you through

[slowlyhealing]

One of my good friends from Chicago called. She was going to come down this weekened, but something happened. She got a call from her daughter. Her daughter found a lump on her breast at school, and while driving home, she found another.

I am so scared, Father. I know your in control, but please... The pain is getting greater, and there are so many around me dying. I don't know what to do anymore.

I know you all are still hurting, but if you don't mind please pray for my friend's daughter Sara. I don't know what is going to come ahead, but please pray.

Thank you for your patience with me, I know it seems I post a lot, but it helps so much for me to get my feeling out.

Nikki

[erinsmom]

Nikki, Lately I've noticed an increase in friends/family with personal tragedies. While I was at the hospital yesterday with my husband's family, I ran into a friend who was sitting in a chair looking stunned. She told me her husband was just diagnosed with cancer of the esophogus last week and it looked very bad. I was stunned! He is 52. There is also a lot of tragedy in the world and national news. I believe we need to press in NOW MORE THAN EVER to our relationship with God. I have never been an end-time person and can't see myself as one who would focus on the doom and gloom that will decend on us, but sometimes I wonder if these tsunamis/earthquakes/hurricans/cancer/terrorists, etc. are a sign that God is determined to get our attention? I don't know. . . but I do know that He will NEVER LEAVE US OR FORSAKE US and we are safe as long as we remain faithful and as long as we BELIEVE, TRUST AND OBEY. God is at the wheel, we will all be just fine. Calm down and cheer up. . . this is what I hear from Him today. He loves us and will take us through every trial satan may throw our way. Keep pressing into prayer Nikki. God will overcome all the evil. I will be praying for a deep, restorative and peaceful sleep for you tonight.

Love,

Kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Kitty,

You know your probably right. God is probably trying to get his children's attention. Its amazing how many people out there don't know the comforter. I don't know where I would be if I didn't know him. We need to hold strong to our relationship with God. I struggle now and then, but I try. Sometimes it feels as though I'm alone, even though I KNOW DEEP DOWN IN MY HEART HE NEVER LEAVES and he'll NEVER FORSAKE US. Prayer and reading the bible gets harder in a trial, but that's what we truly need. To pray, and to listen and read his word. He also wants us to live. Not a sorrowful life, but a life full of joy. God and my mom have both taught me through out the years that I need to lighten up. Smile ever now and then, and know through pain its hard, but find something that makes you happy, remember God's promises of taking care of his children. THAT IS SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT. Remember the riches in heaven that He is holding for his children. Laugh every now and then. It sure beats crying, huh?

Cry every now and then if needed. Crying is not a weakness. Laughing and Smiling is not either, so don't be afraid to do that either.

Satans getting ever so closer he is all around us, but GOD is around us too. He is in our hearts and minds and... HIS ULTIMATE COMFORT AND LOVE will forever protect us. May God bless you and your family Kitty. May God bless you and your family the rest of you.

In my thoughts and prayers,

Love

Nikki

[slowlyhealing]

My Favorite Hymn

Amazing Grace

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me....

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...

my heart to fear.

And Grace, my fears relieved.

How precious did that Grace appear...

the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...

we have already come.

T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...

and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...

His word my hope secures.

He will my shield and portion be...

as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...

bright shining as the sun.

We've no less days to sing God's praise...

then when we've first begun.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me....

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now, I see. (end)

[slowlyhealing]

Kitty,

I just wanted you to realize that I'm a praying for your family and your mother-in-law, Christine.

Let us know how everything is going okay?

God is in Control

Goodnight you all, may God give you hope and courage to face another day.

Nikki

[slowlyhealing]

Its amazing how much pain there is in this world, and yet God can give us peace through the smallest of things. I simple smile from a stranger. I simple hello from a friend. I simple phone call telling someone that you are there if they need ya. I simple prayer.

I hurt every now and then. I do not truly understand the purpose of the things that are going on in my life, but I don't need to. Though I desperately want to know why my dad had to leave us, and why mom had to get sick. God will tell me in his time, and even if I never figure out, I know God will give me the comfort I need to make it through.

I'm going to try to make today a good day. No matter what happens I'm going to try to make it through.

Here is a simple smile for you all and here is a simple hello. I don't know your all's phone number, and don't worry I'm not asking here's just a simpe message saying I'm here if ya need me, cause I know I'm going to need you in the times to come, and heres a simple prayer,

Father,

You know my thoughts and feelings. You know my deepest pains. I don't know what your plan is but help me find my way. Help the others around me, Help their deepest hurts, and let them always remember that you'll always be there for them, and comfort them in their time of need. Thank you for my friends and family, bless them on this day. Help the world to see you in a differeny way. Let me be a testimony of your precious love, help me to at least touch one person with your power and mercy. Give everyone in this message board the strength, peace and comfort to make it through the day.

Amen

Hope you all have a great day/ night.

Your friend

Nikki

[erinsmom]

Hello Nikki and All,

Christine, my mother in law, passed away on Saturday at 12:05 p.m. It was absolutely awful to see her in the last three days of her life. I would not wish that on even the devil himself. My husband is numb and very far removed from me at this time, that is another huge pain and feeling of abandonment. But there I go thinking about ME. My husband is going to live with my father in law for a while. All this brings up so much pain from Erin's tragic and sudden death last May 6th. I am so confused.

Confusion does not come from our loving Father, I know that.

Thank you Nikki for your loving posts. I am comforted here when I check in once in a while. God is doing some HUGE and MIGHTY POWERFUL transitioning in my life. . . it is almost a surreal existence right now.

We received an offer on our house yesterday, it is for sale. Slowly but surely all of the things that I relied on are being whisked away. My job of six+ years will end on May 31st. . . . . . God is doing something, I am at my wits end trying to figure it out.

That's not where I'm supposed to be - at my wit's end. That is not the condition a Christ centered person is supposed to be in.

Nikki, if you would like to see a picture of Erin, go to royfuneralhome.com and look under "D". Look under her name, Erin Dube. She is there.

My mother in laws death brings back so much of the horror or Erin's sudden and tragic passing.

I have a huge issue with a spirit of rejection at this point. I am going to ask for prayers from any and all to help me and my husband through this time. We are holding on by a thread, I am sorry I am so negative.

GOD HELP US.

[slowlyhealing]

Kitty,

Your daughter was beautiful, I'm sure with the upbringing that you provided she was a beautiful person on the inside too.

I know that its hard to watch your husband pull away because of his loss. I don't think I or anyone here could take away that pain, only God can get to his heart, and show him the true blessing this truly was. His mother won't have to live in pain anymore.

I don't yet know where my road is leading me. I don't know how I will react to my mother's death, but if I hold on to God's promise for me. I will see her again in heaven and... we will walk hand in hand with the FATHER.

I know that your road, and your families road may look a little bumpy now, but remember that GOD knows what he is doing, and he will protect you and provide you with comfort. I will be in prayer for you and your family. May God bring something forward in the midst of your loss. I'll be in prayer that that thread you hold on to now will strongly be weaved with other pieces, and God will give you the rope to find your way back from this dark time. The light is still there, I promise. I have trouble seeing it every now and then but it still shines for you and your family.

Its hard to be possitive when the world around us seems to be crashing in, but God will give you something to smile, and laugh about again.

Here's an internet hug from me ((((Hug))))

God still moves,

Nicole

[erinsmom]

Amen Nicole! Thank you for your kind words. I am almost always the one who offers the encouragement, but I am now the one who is down and dragging. I won't give in though, I will never surrender my faith or waiver in my belief that our Lord and Savior is going to bring me through. I have to remember my deliverences, there have been so many in the past. God has pulled me through many trials. Sometimes we forget that. It is only by God's mercy that I am still alive and breathing.

Lately the devil has been playing some cruel games with me. I've found myself replaying in my mind many stupid and awful things I've done or said in the past. I am praying my way out of that though and trying with all my might to remember that it is only the devil whispering the lies in my ears that tell me I will never change or that I will never be forgiven.

My friend said this morning "when satan reminds you of your past, you need to remind him of his future" . . . .

Love,

Kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Kitty,

Sometimes even the strongest of us fall, or need someone to help them up with just the simple words of encouragement, and with the Promise that God will take care of his children. I am glad that you refuse to give in to what the world and satan is telling you to do. We all stumble now and then, but its the getting up and moving on that makes us who we are. We are OUR FATHER'S children, and he will protect us and shelter us under his sheltering tree. Trials are bound to be a coming. I hate that fact. It's like a roller coaster, there are twist and turns along the way, and there are bound to be some flips coming too. "STUPID FLIPS." haha. Those flips are the ones that really mess with our head. Those flips and right at the start of the ride, there is always that hill. Once you reach the top it seems like you are forever falling back down. God is still with us on the ride through it all he'll be there.

Its only by God's love and mercy that I am still here too. I'll admit I am not perfect. There are things I've done and said that I've asked for forgiveness for, but along the way... I have never TRULY forgiven myself for the mistakes I made. Though I ask the Lord over and over to take away the sins and the lies and everything I've done... He has already, and He's looking at me questioning "What sin? I've already taken those away. What sin?"

Simple lies that the devil hisses in my ear, "No one will ever love someone you. No one will ever forgive you. No one... No one. You'll never move past this. No one will save someone like you."

SOMEONE ALREADY HAS!!!!!

Yes there is pain, and yes I have done and said things I wish so desperatly I could erase, but God has already done all that.

Hang tight to the truth. Yes the threat is real, and that thread your holding onto won't hold out much longer. It may break, but be sure to look for HIS hand. Cause his hand will show you the way, and his hand will lift you out of the pit.

Your friend's words are awesome. Hold true to them too.

Always in prayer, and still growing,

Nicole

[erinsmom]

Nikkki, I ask myself how you got so smart and so stable when you are only still a college student?? God has surely blessed you by drawing you to Him at a very young age. Actually, God drew me to Him at an early age too but I would not listen. . . I remember actually (literally!) saying to myself "I'm not done having fun yet". . . . what a joke!! That is the worst mistake a person can make, trust me on this one. When God draws you to Him - I say GO and GO IMMEDIATELY. But, alas, at the age of 41 I nesteled into His love and have been maturing spiritually little by little every since. That was a little over two years ago. I've always been a "believer". . . but I was never an "obeyer". . . not until a little over two years ago. That was when I fell on my knees and cried out in agony (my life was a mess, my daughter Erin was slowly dying from a heroin addiction). . . . I asked God to TAKE THE WHEEL!! I realized i had done a fine job of screwing up every last area of my life and was finally ready to surrender. I swear it was like wrestling a small alligator to get me to surrender my will to our Father. But I did it, or should i say I am doing it - a day at a time - sometimes falling but always recovering as quickly as I can and asking forgiveness. I thank God for His conviction and how quickly it jolts me when I am inappropriate in any way. I spent many years self-medicating with alcohol because of depression. . . bad idea. God has every answer. God is a God of RESTORATION. I am a better person/wife/mother/sister/daughter/friend than I've ever been in my life because of the saving grace of God.

Thank you for lifting me out of a foul mood today Nikki - God's been really, really good to me today and blessed me with three different AWESOME women friends who have lifted me up in prayer and shined their God light on me. THANK YOU very, very much. Kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Kitty,

Ever since I got on this site, and met people like you, I have felt my strength and relationship in God has grown. I am so happy I met some people that love God and are going through the same sort of trials in their lives. I don't have to feel so alone.

I'll also admit that I have had trouble with my relationship with Christ. I think that this trial with my dad and mom has brought me so much close to God. I want to thank you for helping me finding my weakness. I feel as though I am regaining the strength I've lost from the blow from what my dad did, and though I know the trials aren't over, I know God will forever be with me and strength me to go on.

I am scared, but I know God will be here with me. I just have to give him the sterring wheel.

In the last past couple months I have finally given him the wheel. I have realized duh... I'm going the wrong way, and I'm getting hurt because of it.

Like you Kitty, I said. "I'm not done yet... Let me live my life."

I have come to realize at almost 20 that if I don't give him the sterring wheel now I will be heading for a crash course, and I may never hand it over again.

I hope that we can continue helping each other through the pain.

As momma gets worse, I know that God will be here, thank you for helping me to realize who I truly am. Thank you for reminding me of God's promises.

Praise God, I'm still here.

Nikki

[erinsmom]

I am asking for any and all to hold me and my husband up in prayer at this time. We are not connecting at all and when we do it's not pleasant. Our marriage is under such extreme attack right now. I am not conducting myself in a Godly manner, I am too clingy and needy - and the spirit of rejection is ever so present. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS.

ONLY GOD CAN FIND A WAY WHERE THERE SEEMS TO BE NO WAY.

Love,

Kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Kitty,

You are in my prayers at this time. You and your husband. I don't know what's going on, but I pray that everything will turn out alright. I know you feel rejected right now, especially from your husband, and right now it seems that God is not showing you or holding you, but I know he's there with you. May God press you two together, even through the harshest pains. May your husband open his eyes to see the wonder of God, and know that he is not alone either. Hold strong to the promise. May God bring you through.

Nikki

Here's part of a song that is special to me, may it find you and comfort you too.

Chorus to Where there is Faith

Where there is faith

There is a calling, keep walking

You're not alone in this world

Where there is faith

There is a peace like a child sleeping

Hope everlasting in He who is able to

Bear every Burden, to heal every hurt in my heart

It is a wonderful, powerful place

Where there is faith

[slowlyhealing]

Kitty,

I hope everything is alright. I hope that you and your husband are coming together. I'm still in prayer.

May God bless you all through your trials and the trials ahead

Hey you all,

Umm please be in prayer for my friends up in chicago. Her daughters going in for surgery today and they'll find out in about three days if it is cancer or not.

Also be in prayer for me, for I seem to be getting hit with a lot right now, I'm not only handling the stress of family but now I am handling stress from a dear friend of mine who is having a custody battle with her husband. Its not looking pretty and she needs my help but I can't be in PA and here at home at the same time. I'm trying to help. I've given her my ideas, other's ideas, and a lot of research.

School is also drawing to an end and... I'm having a hard time keeping my mind and heart in it. Please pray that my mind stays focus on the goal, and that God will protect me through this all.

Thank you all for you support and prayers and may you all know that I am also in prayer for you.

GOD IS IN CONTROL

Nikki

[tinasdad]

Nikki and Kitty

Nikki, I am continuing to pray for your friend's daughter. A parent would rather have it be them than their child with an illness (I know how much sorrow I feel from my daughter's illness). I will be devoted to prayer for your friend in PA, and I would help you if I could. You must pay attention to your education - this is a test for you too, and you must remain faithful to God who called you to be in college. Give your best to Him. I'm praying for your Mom, so she can have rest and freedom from pain, and be able to continue show you how much she loves you. I pray for your brothers as they try to come to terms with her illness, that God will give them his Spirit of Peace.

Kitty, I am praying for you too, that you will be able to abide in His grace and love. I pray for His peace to fill your heart. For your marriage, I pray for peace and stability. I pray God's love to shroud you both and let you reestablish the youthful love that could rest without worry.

I hope you both keep me updated on everything, so I can keep you before the Lord in prayer. I'm in a music ministry full time, which I don't like to advertise, but I thought might make it easier for you to know a bit more about me. In some ways, music helps me release the emotions of my wife's dreadful illness. Today she is doing well for her. It's late, and she's sleepign well. I pray that she can sleep all night.

[slowlyhealing]

Tinasdad,

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. You are right this is a test, and even though I truly hate test, I know that with God's help this type of test will be the one I can pass.

I don't know the exact situation in your household, but I do pray for you and your family. Strength is hard to come from especially when there is an illness involved. I pray that God gives you the strength to look up to him even in the hardest of times. You sound very educated in the Bible, which should always help. AND music. Oh how I love music, especially the uplifting type that tells us that God is in control even through the midst of the pain.

Do you write songs or do you just sing and listen to them? I know when I write in a journal or I am writing a story it helps me, but lately I have tried to give up my story writing at least just for now to draw more closer to God. I found out the hard way that I rely to much on one thing to take away the pain, and guess what ONLY GOD can do that. How dumb was I to turn to other things like writing. I need a steady balance in my life and only God can provide that. So lately I have been getting more into his word, and even though I have a hard time understanding a lot. I ask Him to open my eyes and my heart to hear the words and for understanding.

It sounds like my momma is about the same as your wife, like in there are good days and bad days. It's hard on the bad days, but when a good day comes... PRAISE THE LORD. Sometimes I wonder if God even hears my cries... I ask him if this is truly what I can handle cause it seems like an awful lot. Especially when the bad day seems to be going into a bad week. I just remember his promises. He'll never give me something I can't handle with HIS help, and with the help of others around me. I can always pray and ask him to send help even though it may not come right away or in the shape or form I want it in, I know that He'll answer me and give me comfort even in the midst of my trials.

This seems like an awful lot, but for some reason I just need to pour my heart out today. Its heavy with doubt and fear. YES I know I am saved and I'll go to heaven, but there are those days where I seem so very far from God's presence. Lately I have felt that. I mean I'm trying my hardest to get OUR relationship back on track and I know that a couple years back I turned from him, but now... I'm walking the dusty and dirty road back, and I believe He's there. He's there calling out my name and his arms are wide open but why can't I feel him? Is it the pain that I still have in my heart on some days? Am I not doing something right? I want to feel that almighty love again that comfort that I feel when I'm in his arms. I will continue to press on. I will not turn back. I have come too far, and pain is boud to happenand He's there with me.

Maybe its my fear. I know God would never hurt me, and I know he would never leave. It seems every relationship I have had on this earth is slowly crumbling beneath me. First my dad... long story I may share another time (It still hurts...). Then my mom... who I was finally getting close too (teenage years not so very close, but I was finally getting close to her again, at age 16-17) My friends are all so far away, and when we do talk to each other they don't know what to say, or ask. I know they are fearful that it may hurt my feelings, but I get asked by strangers the questions my friends should be asking. My aunt and I are still talking. She's the aunt that helps my mom during the day when I'm at school, but even when I ask it seems like she's holding something back from me (maybe its just me).

ALL I HAVE IS THE LORD. THAT IS WHERE MY RELATIONSHIP NEEDS TO BE THE STRONGEST. WHY DO I FEEL SO WEAK? Is this a test? To see if I'll turn to him in my time of need? I have been turning and I have been walking, but at times I can't find him and then there are those moments where I see the light and I see his hope for me and I cry (happy cry) cause I know He's there. I fear... to get close to anyone, cause I can't loose what I don't have. How selfish is that attitude. God should wap me upside the head, but... that is how I've been living my last 3 years. I am very close to my mom, cause she understands most of my pain. I am slowly and painstakenly restoring my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Its not an easy road, but Its the road I must take to be close with him again. He test all his children, and maybe my loneliness is something I have caused. I have friends no doubt, I have family, and I talk to them, and I share my hurts and pains... not that kind of loneliness. The loneliness you feel in a crowded room, and it still feels like no one understands you. GOD understands. He sent his Son, Jesus... and Jesus knows exactly what I'm going through. He went through it all on the cross.

Okay wow... I feel better, refreshed and... more calm. You may not read all of this you all but thanks for letting me post here.

God, give me the comfort and strength I need to make it through this day. Give the strength to those who need you at this time and comfort Your hurting children.

Nikki

[erinsmom]

Hello All,

My mother-in-law's funeral was yesterday, it was a very emotional service. The pastor was perfect, she spoke of how my mother in law was "angry with God" which was true. She said it several times after the untimely death of her own mother in 1999 that she was angry with God. The pastor spoke of how it was "okay to be angry with God" . . . because then it shows that you do indeed believe in God. Her message was comforting and the tribute to her life was quite impressive. Oh how tragic though. . . . to lose my daughter last May 6th and my mother in law on April 2nd. . . . . my marriage is strained terribly as a result of all this, my husband is withdrawn and empty. He's suffering terribly too. I am pretty sure it's time for me to reach out and get some professional help. I can't do this much longer. Too much getting ripped away.

I thank you all for your continued prayers. I have been feeling a bit like Job as of late. I feel now like I'm in the darkest hour, the dawn must be just around the corner.

Love,

Kitty

[slowlyhealing]

Kitty,

I know it is hard at this time, but I wanted you to know that I'm praying for you. I don't know how it is to loose a child. I have had a friend that lost her daughter from suiside, and I have lost a few of my friends from illnesses, but to be the parent of one... I don't know how I would bear it alone. That's why God is here though, right? Even though its hard to turn to him in the most cruel and hurtful time in your life, turning to Him is truly the only way to get past all the pain. Time isn't the only thing that you need to heal. God is the only one that can take away ever ounce of pain.

Today is a gloomy day, and I think because of it I've just not been myself. I mean... I'm not depressed about it. I have smiled some today, but... deep inside I don't feel okay. I've been praying and reading God's word, it's helped a lot. I went to him in prayer last night and through the tears... I felt his arms wrap around me. A peace came over me, even though I was still in pain.

I don't know how to fix marriages and families that suffer so many losses in such a long time. Mine family kind of fell apart at the brink of finding out what mom's disease was. I know I'm going to go into crisis counseling but... I'm not quite yet at the point of knowing exactly what to do in a marriage. I would recommend some professional help, but pray about the choices and counselors you are looking at. Not all the counselors out there follow God's word, and may lead you to a path with more hurt than there is happiness.

May God find you, Kitty. May He send someone to help you and your family at this time. May He give you the strength and courage to continue in this journey even though it seems as though there is a brick wall right now. I promise you he'll give you and someone that will help you a sledge hammer and all the other tools you need to get rid of that wall and continue.

In prayer

Nikki

[biadmin]

Light A Candle for Pope John Paul II

Pope John Paul II has touched the hearts of many as he has traveled the world with his message of peace, hope and harmony. He is a man loved by many and has been the beacon of light for the followers of the Catholic Faith. Even non-Catholics have appreciated the deepness of his devotion. We note his passing in sadness and invite people of all faiths to Light A Candle to carry on his message of peace, hope and harmony.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/beyondtalk/lightacandle.php

[tinasdad]

Aww, Nikki, you found me out. I did four years of Bible college in Canada, and then Seminary. Sorry it shows??lol. It kinda turned into a family thing, and my son is now in Bible college too. I'm so thankful for him. I continue to pray for your family and friends, for all their needs. I also pray for you, for your strength and peace and rest. When things look bleak and troubling, read the 55th Psalm, and remember that God cares for His own, and will never let the righteous fall.

You are doing what you need to do. Yes, this is a test. Not the kind of test you may think, but still yes. You are being tested for your faithfulness. Will you back away from your faith like Job? Will you curse the Lord like Peter in the hour of trouble? I have read a lot of your troubles, and I have learned to read "between the words." I believe you have the faith to stay true to your word. I believe you will walk with the Lord in this, and continue to build this relationship with Him. I am so happy to see your faith growing in the face of the trouble you are dealing with every day. This is such an accomplishment!

I have written a little of my world, so to let you know me a bit better, here is my world in a few sentences. I became a dad at fourteen, grandpa at forty, and have been married over twenty years. My wife's dystrophy is in the final stage, and brutally painful, so much so that I can't even hug her now. Because of her health, I don't play any concerts in order to care for her health needs. The concerts I perform are a mixture of a cross-style music and Gospel message. I was born with A neurological illness and am in a wheelchair.

I hope you are able to do well today knowing we are all praying for you. If you need us, we are right here to help you. Mark

[slowlyhealing]

Tinasdad/ Mark,

Wow... You sound like you had a.. how do you say it, adventurous life. Oh how I wish I could go to a Bible college. I was planning to before everything happened. Its funny though because... now I couldn't be happier for where God has brought me so far. I am at my second to last semester at a community college, and I have met a few people there that trust in God, and I can talk too. Its such a blessing to know there are still others out there willing to help.

I wish I was as strong as you in the bible. I am still reading though, and learning. I know a lot of scriptures from my past, due to the fact my father was a pastor.

My life hasn't always been so trying, but I know God is with me at this time, even in the times of loneliness.

I was adopted at age 4. At age 13-15 I call them my lost years, cause I truly didn't know who I was, and... I pushed away everyone. Age 16 I was finally coming out of those years, and... I was getting a lot closer to my family, but I realized someone was missing. My dad. He was a bus driver, and a pastor, and I knew that... those things shouldn't be keeping him from his family. Oh how I wish I was wrong. I truly got saved at age 16 I don't remember the exact date, but I remember going to the Lord and weeping and praying. I was still struggling trying to find myself, but suddenly my whole life stopped. Mom was getting worse, and we didn't know what it was that was causing it. Her whole left arm was not functioning, and... the doctors finally decided to run the test to see if she had ALS. My father was drawing himself farther and farther away, and I knew why. In the back of my mind I truly knew why, but my heart didn't want to believe. Not my dad, not this godly man.

My youth teacher stopped me one day, because I was crying and I had to tell her. She talked to my mom, and my mom knew something was going on too, but she too didn't want to admit it.

The day after Christmas 2002 we left my dad. At my grandparents house we got the call early Jan 2003 my dad was arrested. That same day we found out my mom had ALS.

My dad is serving 12 years for molesting two minors.

Oh how I was so angry. I was angry at my father, I was angry at God, and confused... why? Why would God let this happen now? I pushed away from the comforter. I held my feelings in so many times until I felt like I was going to burst. When we moved again... we got into church and still my heart felt so hurt and broken that I put a wall up.

Here I am now... ALMOST 20 years old finally tearing that wall down. In the past few months my relationship with God seems to be growing much stronger. Yes I still hurt, and... there are times I doubt, but then I remember what God had done for me. He too hurt. He lost his son. Jesus went through everything. He went through the pain, and hurt, and broken heart, and doubt.

I don't want to turn away from my faith like Job. I don't want to curse the Lord like Peter. I want to show Him that I can do this, I may need help every now and then, but... I can, and I will.

Thank you for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers.

May you also know that I am praying for you and your family. I know its hard to watch someone you love so die of a disease that seems to trap them in their own body. Its painful... and you don't know what to do to take away the pain and suffering. God knows all our hearts, and He will comfort us, even in the deepest pain.

May God bless you and your family at this time. I can tell you this much. You help others by your testimony, and your faith in God.

Nicole

[erinsmom]

My normal condition has never been to be as down and negative as I've been posting lately. For that I apologize. . . . I am amazed to hear the stories of others who are suffering in many different ways. If there is only one thing I learned through this last year of my life and the death of two loved ones, it's that WE NEED EACH OTHER. we, as brothers and sisters, were never meant to go this road alone. At least that's what I believe.

I have been drawing very close in prayer to our Heavenly Father and am very happy to report that I have several family members and friends lifting me up as well. What a blessing! I am so thankful for my Christian community.

Thank you to each of you who have held me and my family up in prayer lately. I hope everyone has a great weekend. Here in New Hampshire it's supposed to be lovely weather. Thank you God!

Love,

Kitty

[slowlyhealing]

It's okay Kitty,

We all have up and down days. I think that's what makes life life.

Your right brothers and sisters need to stick together or we'll never make it through the battles to come. We were never meant to travel this rough and bumpy journey alone.

I hope you stay close to our Father, Kitty. Especially at this time. I am praying for you, and I hope you realize we all care for you.

I hope you have a great weekend too. I'll be in prayer for God to strengthen your family at this time.

Lovely weather down in KY. WOOHOO, Praise God! I have been waiting so long for the sun on my face again.

One quick thing. Please be in prayer for one of my friends I met in the teen "I lost my mom" message board. I have been chatting with her, and she's having a really really hard time right now. Please be in prayer for her.

May God bless you all,

Nikki

[tinasdad]

Nikki, first of all, please take heart in knowing that my wife and I are praying daily for you, along with our three children. I understand the depths of your situation, because I was in foster care, and survived an abusive family. I am so upset by what you have faced concerning your father, and you will be in my prayers. I pray for your Mom, and for your strength while caring for her.

Carry your accomplishments with pride. I am so happy for you doing so well through your sorrow. You are doing a noble thing that will make the rest of your life so much better. Do the best you can, as unto the Lord.

Now, as for me with all that Bible college stuff, I knew I was called. I didn't know that it was to go back to the music: I thought I would be in a jungle somewhere. I really love what I do. I also have a degree in counseling, and help people with that too. My wife shared the counseling with me during a concert or event, and now I have to go without her.

If you want to talk to a Christian couple, our e-mail address is bassplayrz@yahoo.com. Please do not feel any pressure to contact us, because we are not about that. Take care of yourself and may the Lord's blessing rest on you completely. Mark

[slowlyhealing]

Mark,

Thanks for your kind words, prayers and thoughts from you and your family. You are a really nice person. I'm glad there are people like you still out there in the world. At the time of finding out about my dad, and about my mom. I realized that the career I was looking at was the wrong choice. I turned to God and I prayed about it and he gave me the calling to go into counseling. I am pretty good at helping other people, I'm a good listener, and I have a big heart and want to help others out there that are going through hard times too.

I want to thank you for encouraging me, even in my dark times. Sometimes you just need a voice or an email telling someone that "Hey... I believe you can do it." or a simple "Hang in there.".

Thanks for doing that. Your testimony can help others in so many ways so keep sharing okay. Tell your wife that she is in my prayers as is your whole family.

Thanks again,

Nikki

[tinasdad]

Hey, Nikki! You're doing great! I watch what you're doing around here and I think you'll make a real good counselor. Go for it! Keep in the studies and work hard. Do it as to the Lord, because it's for Him anyway, eh. I learned in my Bible college days in Canada that even on the good days, we need to rely on Him just as much.

I haven't seen an update on your Mom lately. I'm still praying for everyone you have mentioned. Be strong and courageous. Do not fear what others can do to you, only revere the Lord. Have a great weekend. Now I have to go play a concert.

[slowlyhealing]

Tinasdad/ Mark,

My mother is doing okay this week. She's been getting tired a lot more lately, but today, it was just one of those days where you lounge around so she wasn't bad today. She was able to do some typing with her special computer.

Sometimes we have those days where it feels like the shadow of death is right at our door, but then it's like God turns on the light for us all to see on those sort of days, yes... there are bound to be bad times, but I know that God will always create something for me to fall back on. His arms and his promises.

I have had a struggled weekend to keep God's promises in sight, but I am still marching forward. There are plenty of things that are in my path but with God's help and prayers from others and from myself I know I'll make it through.

I fear that the day will come where mom won't wake. I know that when that day comes she went to a place full of joy, a place where she can speak, and use her arms, and legs again. One day... when my time comes I'll meet her there, as will I with all of you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, and we will be able to laugh and smile, with out concern or pain.

How is your wife? I haven't heard much about her, but she is in my prayers as are the rest of your family.

I hope the concert goes well. Play it loud so others can hear the beautiful blessings and gifts God gave you.

Nikki

[tinasdad]

Hi, Nikki. "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me." He is right beside you right now, and I hope you can feel His presence. Your Mom needs a lot of rest now, and you will see this need increasing, unfortunately. Fatigue is such a factor with everything she tries, even staying awake. I will be praying more than I have been. As for my wife, thank you for asking and praying. She is in more pain now, as if I could imagine that possible. The pain pills are not doing anything for her, and they are as strong as heroin. We will be changing to an injectable med this week, and I am elected to give that to her- yuck. lol! I pray that the shot will bring the pain under some kind of control, 'cuz this is tearing my heart to shreds having to see the love of my life hurting this much. The King is in His Kingdom, and pain is not there. Tears are banished from that city. We only rejoice and worship and praise there. While this life is harsh and filled with sorrow, we have hope in Him that Heaven will be the perfect Paradise He promised it to be. I am looking forward to a day when I can praise Him for letting you hear your Mom talk to you and walk with you again. Well, I need to go take care of a few things, and yeah, the concert was fun and a blessing. Now, it's Sunday, so take a little nap. You deserve it. And then do something special to pamper yourself, because you really deserve that. Talk to you later. Mark

[slowlyhealing]

Hi, Mark.

Very good use of that verse. Oh how I need to be reminded that He will always be with us, even through the shadows of death. He'll bring me comfort in any sort of way, shape or form. Even when I struggle to keep my faith alive, He is there pushing away the demons that he knows I can't handle. Praise God for that.

I went to church this morning and oh how wonderful it was to hear his word. It was just the sermon I needed.

Mom is doing okay. I have always known her to be the strong one, strong in body, and strong in faith. She may not have her body, but oh how she holds onto that faith. I hope when this is all over I'm at least half the woman she was. I'm still trying. I can see the top of the mountain, even though on days it seems the fog has taken control. I can see my goal.

You told us before what your wife has, but I forgot... I just pray for strength for both of you, especially the days ahead.

Shots... ewww... I don't really like needles so... I think that's why God slapped me upside the head and told me I was going into the wrong profession. I think I would pass out before I even got the shot close to the patient. lol. It wouldn't really be funny on their part though.

Can you only imagine the wonder of heaven. To stand in his presents sharing our thoughts and memories. A place where my mom won't have to be trapped in her body, fighting so hard to get one more glance before sleep takes her, a place where your wife would never have to feel a single pain again. A place where we will meet them there and all together we'll be praising and glorifying (spell check that) OUR FATHER. A FATHER THAT NEVER LETS US DOWN. A place full of singing and praising. Oh I wish I could hear that sound. I guess we all do, at least a little piece of that sound. Listen in the morning when the sun touches its rays down on this earth and hear the birds sing. Yes... sometimes I get waken up by that, but then I remember... God gave me another day.

I'm glad your concert went well, Mark.

I hope you have a great Sunday. Don't work to hard. Prayers and thoughts remain with all of you.

I'll try to get in a nap somewhere in my day, the rest of the day sorry to say will be for studying for this Ecology test tomorrow. EEEWWWWW. I hate test, especially COLLEGE SCHOOL TEST. Ewwww... Oh well. Got to get through this to accomplish the goal.

God bless you all

Nikki

[slowlyhealing]

I just wanted to write again. To tell you all that you are in my thoughts and prayers this week. I hope you all have a great Monday. Eekkk Mondays... hummm.

May God give you the peace and comfort you need to make it through another week, another day, another moment. Hold on to His promises, and He will give you what you need.

Mark, thanks for everything. Keep on doing those concerts, and hang strong this week.

Kitty, let us all know how things are going. I'm praying for you girl. May God give you what you need to make it through another day.

For the rest of you, hang on. Life is filled with cracks and road bumps but with God by your side and friends and family, you'll all make it through

...As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." Joshua 24:15 and I will try my hardest this week to remember his undying love, and his strong powerful arms that will comfort me in my time of need.

Love your sister in Christ,

Nikki

[kagansmommy]

I believe in God and I believe in miracles. God gave me a miracle when he gave me Kagan. But what happened when I was on my knee's begging and pleading for Kagan's life? Where was my God with whom all thing's are possible? I ask but I did not receive. I knocked but no one answered. Was losing Kagan a punishment for something I did wrong? Did I reap what I had sown? I went to church on Easter and it was a very emotional day for me being my first holiday without Kagan. But when the Pastor made the comment "with God all things are possible" my heart went stone cold and it has been ever since. I am very angry with God right now and that scares me to death. He gave me a miracle and then took him away...and for what? I have become bitter and angry. Even with Kagans disabilities and health issues I felt truly blessed to have him in my life. I gave up everything in this world that mattered to me and dedicated my life to Kagan's care because I loved that little boy with every fiber of my being. He was my world...he was the air that I breathed. It took every ounce of energy I had just to get him thru the day. We did physical and occupational therapy every day. He took 27 doses of medicines and suppliment's every day. I had to carry him everywhere...he was 3 feet tall and weighed 28 pound's all of which was dead weight because of low muscle tone. He had at least one doctors appointment every week. He had a metabolic's team...a cardiology team...a pulmonary team...a neurology team...an eye doctor at the childrens hospital...a pediatric doctor at the childrens hospital and a pediatric doctor in our home town. He was the only one EVER in the US to have this disease so all kind's of tests were done. He had uncontrollable seizures and was on an apnia monitor 24/7. I thanked God every night for giving me another day with him and prayed for the strength I needed to get him thru tomorrow. I never asked for Kagan to be healed...just let him live. I would take him back just the way things were even as hard as they were. Is that selfish of me to want him back no matter what? I know God is good..but why did it have to be my baby who was that 1 in 10 million to have this disease? Why Kagan?

Kagan Isaac July 7, 2003 to January 28, 2005

Rest in peace sweet angel~!!!

"MOMMY LOVES YOU KAGAN"

[slowlyhealing]

kagansmommy,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know it must have been hard to watch your little boy die, and praying everyday for him to just get better. Beggin God to just keep him on this earth. You probably prayed that he took you instead. I have done that with my mom a lot of times. I prayed to God that I would go unstead of her. She still has to live so she can be here for my brothers. I don't have really anything going for me other than school right now, but my mom so wants to live and be here for her children. My mom has ALS and I know that it won't be long until she does leave. Sometimes I get frustraited because I don't know the purpose of all of this. Sometime I get upset with God because he won't take this away. But I know he hears my cry... and I have come to realize. Yes my mom will die, but she'll be in heaven a place where there will be no more pain, and she won't have to be trapped in this body here on earth. I know that probably doesn't help your broken heart. Anyone who dies leaves behind a family or someone who cares about them, and yes for the ones left behind its painful.

Like you God gave me a wonderful miricle, he found me when I was still so very small and he gave me a family full of love. My dad is gone, and soon my mom will be, but I know that even though I am still young and even though I am terrified about what the future might bring God is with me, and he'll protect me and comfort me, even when I'm angry and I cry, because that is what he does for his children.

I don't think it is selfish to want your son back, but if it is affecting other relationships you need to be careful.

Its okay to ask God questions. HE answers prayer, I promise. Even the most simple ones. Why did your son have to be the 1 in a million? Why did my mom have to get ALS? She is the most Godly woman I know.

My momma tells me that I can help others by the trials I have been through.

Kagansmommy, Do you know how many people you can touch and bring to God from this trial? Yes it hurts so very bad, but there are others who don't believe at all in God, they don't believe in his love or miracles, but you do, and though I don't have all the answers, I can tell you that moving on, even in the midst of atmost pain... you are a living testimony to the other around you.

My momma says that everything happens for the reason. Her ALS changed her from being a selfish and wanting to do things her way type of person to a person that realized that she can't do it by herself. She now not only needs to lean on God for strength but she needs to lean on me and my aunt to help her survive for as long as God has planned. I know that if everything didn't happen like this... my relationship with my family and my relationship with God would probably be still on the same road to doom and heartache. Here I am 19 years old and I have finally found my family, just as I'm about to loose the most important part, God steps in it's up to me to let him hold me when I cry, and let him comfort me. Its not the easiest thing when your heart is still so raw, but its the only way I'll get through this.

I don't have the answers to all of your questions Kagansmommy, I hope I helped a little bit, but even if I didn't I want you to know that your in my prayers

God still moves, even in the hearts that are hurting.

Always a friend,

Nikki