Members lostinguilt Posted April 21, 2008 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2008 I have never posted on a any type of forum before and my circumstances make it even more difficult to find a category to post under. So please forgive me if I wander and am in the wrong place. Around December I received a phone call from my ex-wife's mother telling me that she has disappeared. I really didn't think to much of it as that is one of the many reasons we were divorced. She used to sort of walk away from her family and the people that loved her on a regular basis (not for long, but long enough to make us worry). The holidays were when she would usually take off. She liked to party, a lot. That was another reason why we divorced. The truth of it is that was the only reason we divorced. Our sons were small and I just could not help her stay away from the damn dope. I tried everything I knew how to do. I literally sat on her to keep her from going out and getting more drugs. I tried rehab, the whole tough love thing, interventions, everything, It had gotten to the point where I felt the boys were in danger. I feel like I am giving the wrong impression. She loved her children very much. She wasn't purposely hurting anyone(oh hell there I am making excuses again) but she had an addiction that she couldn't control. I love Jennie so much she is my first love, the mother of my children and my only true love. But now she is gone. I had always hoped that someday she would find the strength to quit the drugs and come back home. I had to make the choice to take the kids and leave. I know it was the right choice. I had to basically throw away one of the few things that made me a person, Jennie. And in the process I feel like I am almost as responsible for her death as the punk that killed her and buried her in his basement. I know I have heard all of the crap from the "people that know" I shouldn't feel guilty, I shouldn't be second guessing my decision as a father. But I am. I am angry, I am hurt, and I doubt I will ever feel any peace whatsoever. I feel like if I would have held on just a little longer she wouldn't have gone so far off of the deep end with the drugs. She could, what am I saying shoulda coulda woulda isn't going to change anything.Oh yeah! that basement thing, that was a complete shock to me too. It was, a drug deal gone wrong, according to the authorities.Where can I find the ability to deal this guilt, this anger I cant even sleep at night without dreaming of her. I wish they were nice dreams but they are not . it is like living through a bad horror movie that won't ever end.I made the right decision for my sons right, who knows now they wont know how much she really did love them all they have now is hearsay.oh @#$^ I really really hurt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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