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Just in shock


computrtek

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computrtek

Where do I begin? My sweet boy, Bryan, left us a week ago tonight. His mom was in the hospital because she was suffering from a mini stroke. She is a diabetic on dialysis and on the transplant list which just adds to the whole situation. Bryan had just finished eating the went upstairs like every other day. Usually when mom is not here, he sleeps in our bed so I just laid on the couch because I knew he would be in there. The next morning I walked in a found him in my bedroom and from that second on, my life has been completely devastated. This was only compounded by the fact that I lost my mom, unexpectedly, on December 30, 2012 and I had not quite gotten over that loss. He was special and sweet and was premature at birth. I am so lost right now. We had his service and the turnout was unbelievable. I read everything over and over again and the amount of kids that said how special and sweet my son was just broke me down each time. That is a side of my son that he kept hidden and a side that I somehow knew existed. I have always told him that he was better than I could ever have hoped to be. Although I have two girls who are out of the house, he was my world. He was everything to me. He was just 15 and just got his permit 6 weeks ago and was doing very well. I just feel like everything has been ripped away in the blink of an eye. I can't bring myself to stop crying or eat and I just don't know what to do. The house is too quiet and with my wife sick and my kids doing their own thing, I feel like I am doing this alone. I can't get past the fact that with everything lately that he felt abandoned because I had been on edge about everything and should have known more about what was going on with him. The feeling is just overwhelming me at the moment. Anyway, thanks for reading and allowing me to share my story and my grief. James

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Hi James. I´m so sorry for your loss. I can´t even imagine how you feel all I can say is that if you feel the need to express something, do it. Don´t repress it. I´m new to the grief subject, but everyone says that time will help. Hang ih there and keep coming here, it will help

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James,

I am so sorry for your loss. It will hurt in places you never thought you had to hurt in. Grieving the loss of a child will be the single most difficult thing you will ever do in your life. But you must go through it. I can only tell you that many of us are there with you, you are not alone. Going through all the "only if I", "I should have", "it would be different if only", is part of the grieving process. It hurts, it hurts really bad, but you need to feel it. In similar situations of loss we cry from our hearts, but I think when you lose a child, we cry from our souls. One thing that helped me was when I was "crushed" by this grief, feeling the loss, was to also know I need to feel it, I needed to touch it, but I also knew that it is somewhat crippling, and would stop myself and focus on something else for awhile. I cannot tell you that it gets easier, as everyone is different. But I can tell you that you are not alone, if that is any comfort. Don't keep it inside, it will sooner or later destroy you. Let it out. Cry, yell, scream, whatever you need to do to release the pain. Talking to others who have experienced this keeps sometimes.

God Bless,

Al

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computrtek

I'm sorry to read through everyone's loss too. Thanks for taking the time to read and write and share with me. Each day seems to be a little more difficult and my wife left yesterday because we cannot seem to find the peace. I'm just sad and alone and stuck. I know it's a process but I keep looking and waiting on Bryan to walk down the stairs and do the "what's up" to me and for us to go through our father/son banter but I will never get to hear that again. Today has been a very long day and tonight seems to be even longer. I know that all of you are very strong people to deal with everything you have been through and keep making it minute by minute and day by day. I'm not sure I have that much strength left in me at this point.

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James,

It really sounds to me that you are at a place where a therapist would help tremendously. Both you and your wife could go together. The road we are on is a very lonely road, but if you look around, you will see that a lot of people are walking this road with you. However, each one of us must walk it. We need to feel and deal with the grief on this road. We don't have a lot of choices but to walk it. You really need to talk about this with someone, as if we don't deal with it, it will eventually turn to despair, which will do no one any good. Get a hold of a grief counselor in your area, and make sure you go and talk with them. They can be very helpful. Don't let yourself be isolated by this, it is easy to do.

God Bless,

Al

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Julia's Mom

James, I am so sorry for you loss. There are really no words that I can possibly say as to what you must be going through. I hope that there are friends or family who can provide you with some kind of support right now. If not, perhaps a local hospice center for some support. I am new to the loss of a child myself and don't know enough about other resources. I am sorry that I don't have more to offer you right now, but it does sound like what you are feeling is completely normal. Have you gone on the Compassionate Friends website? compassionatefriends.org. Their description of the grief - the spiral of grief - seems to me to be the most accurate as to what I've felt. You are not alone. This is the hardest thing in the entire world.

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computrtek

Julia's Mom, I am sorry for your loss too. It's a very difficult time and I have visited the compassionate friend's website, and I agree that this is the hardest thing in the world. Unfortunately for me, my friends are sort of silent and family is not around to help with this loss. My dad had a stroke a year ago and was and still is mentally altered so he just sort of comes and goes in his mind even when he is around. He suffered a similar loss when my brother dies so many years ago so I know that he would be able to help if he hadn't suffered those setbacks. Life has so many twists and turns with his mind the way that it is, it helped him to deal with the unexpected loss of mom in December and is helping him deal with this loss which would bring back many painful memories for him. For me, it just sort of sucks (sorry, lack of a better word at the moment) because I don't have either of them to help. I'm trying to deal with it slowly and day by day which is what all of us have to do to even survive, at this point. I hope that you have a wonderful support network of friends and family to help with your loss too. Thank you for coming along and taking the time to write and I hope you share more as we all go down this long, winding road together.

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