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When do the images/flashbacks fade ?


mariemb

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My dad passed away 1 month and a half ago.. and my grandparents as well.. they all died in less than 11 months. I used to live with them all.

I can't get my dad's image of him laying on the hospital bed a few minutes after he passed... I just can't stop seeing his pale face. The image just pops up whenever and wherever I am. I try to think of something happy or just distract my self... but when night time comes and I want to go to sleep.. holly crap, It gets worse.

I just came back from his bedroom, I needed to go get something from inside. I do this all the time: wander in like if it didn't bother me, only to start crying my eyes out in less than a minute. I try to be brave, but the images of him in his bedroom are now just haunting. I miss my dad, I miss having a father, I miss having somebody to guide me.. I'm only 27 years old and I lost my father, my 2 grandparents who raised me since I was a year old, and my biological mother is a total flake who lives too far away and is only bringing drama into my life.

i just wish I could get those images out of my mind at least for a whole day to get some peace

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Lostwithoutmum

Marie, I really relate to your pain. It just doesn't register how a usually strong, fun and positive parent suddenly becomes different physically, then leave..to me, it is shocking and I am struggling to process it...For mum, it was only days of frailty but she talked to me/us till the last minute..

It's been 12 weeks and I keep replaying these days in my head, involuntarily. But now, I make a conscious effort to remember happier moments, a lifetime of love, fun, travelling, shopping, looking good, smiling and laughing, caring and worrying about us....becoming a grandmum, etc...

I know it is so hard but how your dad was in his last days is not how he wants you to remember him...Think of the better times you had together if possible..

It is such a pain to lose all these people who have been a big part of your life and of who you are. The sad truth is we can't bring them back, but we can live the way they would have wanted us to...we can pass on the love they gave us to others. Your husband needs you and so does your auntie...

Give it time, it is the most difficult thing one can ever experience ...

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It´s been a rough períod for you. I can´t imagine how I´d be if I had lost 3 of the most importante people in the world for me :-( I can´t give much advice as I´m new to this kind of loss, but considering what you´ve been through, it´s probably normal to have those flashbacks, you barely recovered from 2 losses and already have another one to cope with. Have you tried looking for grief therapy?

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I hate to be a downer but I want you to understand that you do have a tough road ahead of you. I lost my brother when I was 11, I didn't have flashbacks because he died in a car accident and the wake and funeral weren't traumatizing because I was tricked into "Being strong" and not showing emotion by an ill-informed uncle. Fast forward 20 years and I had intermittent issues with depression and feelings of deep sadness because I felt like I disrespected my brother's memory. I finally felt like I had put those to rest and become at peace with them.

6 months ago, my father died. He lived with us and was in good health. There were no signs that anything was wrong. I saw him at 11 pm and said "good night". He woke up around 3 to use the bathroom. Sometime after that he had a heart attack and passed away. I was in the next room and didn't hear anything. I found him at 11 am the next morning. He looked peaceful except one leg was off the bed and his eyes were open. It's something I can't shake. I close my eyes and I am transported to that moment. That panic I felt, the hopelessness, the wish that I would have died and he would have lived. It all comes flying back.

I wish I could tell you in 6 months you're going to be fine but I don't think there is a definitive time limit, in fact I know there isn't. It depends on a lot of factors. I'm in a dark place right now but I know if I were to give up it would just disrespect the memory of my beloved father/best friend. I am in no way religious so I am not worried about gong to hell or whatever, I just keep going because I know it's what my Dad would want. It's just knowing that he'll never be around for the rest of my life that makes it feel less worth living.

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marieb,

I can also relate to this. My mom passed away 24 years ago and to this day I can go back to the radiology room where they took us to see her. The image of what i saw seems to have been burned into my memory. Somehow I think we are stuck with these images. My dad and aunt passed away within the last 10 years and I can also see them in the hospital beds. I think the last images we see are the hardest to fade, because they are the last. I am not sure if they ever go away. Like you, I wish there was someway to selectively erase these images, but I guess they are a part of us. Maybe the reason they dont fade is because we remember them to frequently. I also just dont know anyway to make it stop. I dont like these images either, as when I think of any of them passing, I am transported back to those images. I was a paramedic for 17 years and have had my fair share of really bad accidents, and just barely, if at all, remember the visuals of them.

I also lost my daughter on April 22, 2013. I came home from work, found her in her bedroom on the floor, and proceeded to perform CPR on her. That is an image I will see forever.

Sorry I couldnt paint a rosy picture for you, but you are not alone.

My only suggestion is that when these images visit you, try remembering a more pleasant image of them you would rather see, and concentrate on that image. Just a suggestion.

God Bless,

Al

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If_hes_not_here_then_where

RobbG,

I feel exactly the same; your last few lines couldn't describe better the way that I feel. Its hard to see yourself moving on and being happy, its hard to see any kind of goodness in life especially when someone so special is no longer in it. Whats the point? You just keep going because its what they would want, and they would never accept you giving up. Thats just how I feel, and to be honest, I don't see myself ever "getting over" this horror of an obstacle, I will carry it in my heart and on my mind till the end of time. :(

Best Wishes

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