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Helping him heal from Mum


FoosBoo88

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Hello all,

This is my first post..so hi! :)

I've just decided to join as I'm looking for some support and guidance with a grief-related issue and my upcoming wedding. For 7 years now I've been close to a lovely young man called Matt, we've been romantically involved with one another for 5 of those years and next week, I can finally say I most definitely do!

However, that's not without it's catches as there are a number of people who won't be there on our wedding day. The most significant, of course, being his Mum. As much as he and I only wish he had memories of her she passed when he was 4 and he has no memories of her at all. His Dad has not fared well to his loss and Matt has had to play man of the house for 22 years. Even when I first got involved with Matt, we'd spend extra amounts of money on making sure his Dad had a hot meal and we frequently hear from him because he's so confused by life these days.

With the wedding coming up, a number of people have tried to get involved with helping Matt remember his Mum. Although Matt wishes he could remember her, he wants to have his own memories and hear stories only when he asks for them. So far this month, my Mum has rang around after his grandparents to source video footage of his Mum that she can put on a DVD for him, wants to make a photo album of his Mum with memories from other people and pledged to be twice the grandmother she wants to be to make up for her grandchildren only having one Gran. Matt hears from two of his Mum's friends who both share stories about his Mum with him without prompting them. One of these lovely ladies spoke to him on the phone earlier and told him the the first thing he said to her after his Mum had passed away.

Now, whilst all of these ideas are lovely, it's really proving to be counter-productive in the final week to our wedding. We've got a first dance to finalise, packing for honeymoon to finish and a room to decorate. Like I say, these people clearly mean well but these things are not helping Matt. His emotions are already all over the place with becoming a married man and with his Dad having his own difficulties and Matt being an only child, he's not really got anyone else to talk to. We are remembering those special people in a special way. I've got my Nan's locket wrapped around my bouquet and pinned into place with my Grandad's artillery badge. Matt has glass cufflinks with a photograph of him and his Mum in them. At the reception, we have a memory table next to the top table which was very popular at our engagement party.

Can anyone offer me some advice please? I want to allow Matt to grieve naturally and want to help him remember his Mum, but I don't want him to feel forced to remember her right now or feel like I'm preventing him from remembering her. Is there a nicest possible way I can ask these people to hold off their ideas, at least until after the wedding? The lovely ladies who are full of stories sometimes seem to forget that Matt is a grown man now and they tell him how proud his Mum would be of him (and I wouldn't blame her!). He's a man now, not a boy. I'd understand if he looked and behaved like a lost and lonely child but he's a great family man who lets nothing stand in his way. Obviously these ladies have known Matt longer but I do think their best intentions might be dragging him down a bit.

Thanks all

FoosBoo88

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Lostwithoutmum

I think all you can do is let *him* respond the way he feels he needs to.

If he wants his mum's friends to 'hold off', he will find a way of doing it tactfully.

Perhaps he feels the need to hear these stories, and doesn't feel 'forced' to hear them?

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Something that came to mind while reading your post. Why not suggest that anyone who has memories of your fiances mom, write them down, and sign them with their phone numbers. Take all the stories and put them in an album. He can them read them at his own pace, and if he wishes to speak to the individuals, he will have their phone numbers.

Just a suggestion,

God Bless,

Al

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