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It's been awhile...........


marksmomforever

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marksmomforever

Hi to everyone,

I used to come here daily when I was first told about this site, I know it may sound dumb but back in the beginning of this nightmare I still had energy to search for answers and look for support. I thought the beginning was the worse that with time my heart and my family would heal to a degree, but I was so very wrong.

We just passed the third anniversary of our sons sudden/tragic death and my energy is at a all time low and I can hardly believe how I have become so depressed. Each day is a challenge to go on. We had three sons Mark was our middle son, we had a great relationship with all our boys and communication was good. Even though Mark was  in his teens as was our older son they were good kids. Loved the outdoors, were always busy. We had hoped to watch our boys take over the family farm and our other business. BUT everything changed that day, another young man who was 21 made the wrong choice and it caused our son to lose his life!! It is totally wrong, but then I am sure you all know that already.

I am going to try and come here more often maybe it would help if I connected with some of you as it would make me feel less alone at times. Honestly I feel like sometimes I can't breathe I miss him so much. I haven't slept a night since he passed away. Oh, how I still hate those words.

Anyway I am glad this site is here and that there are so many wonderful people here as well, I really enjoyed seeing the pictures of all the children. take care Marksmomforever.

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griffinsmom

[align=center]Marksmom![/align]

[align=center]Too depressing for me-had a longer message, but lost it when trying to add a photo.... If you feel peace of mind, plz let me know! Better yet, write a book. ~ Griffins Mom <3 [/align]

[align=center]:?[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

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loveyoujustin

Marks Mom~ This is most certainly the place to be.  I'm rather new on this journey, but I can honestly say that the bonds made here, and the feelings shared are like no other.  Many here have gotten me through what so far have been the darkest of my days.  My beloved Justin was 17 when he passed on, but I have found the connection on "loss of an adult child" to be the place where I feel most connected.

My wishes for peace are with you, and I am so very sorry for the loss of your son.

Trish

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marksmomforever

Hi Trish,

Thanks for the reply, when I first started coming to this site in 2005 it was different than what it is now. You could post any time day or night and someone would get a message to you within the day. I am not saying it is not good now, it is just different.

Some days I feel so alone..............people think that we should get on with our lives that we have to let go! I sometimes wish for just a moment if people could feel what we feel. My heart is broken, my marriage of 30 years doesn't resemble anything it used to and my other two sons have changed so much at times I don't recognize them!

Fortunately my work has kept me busy and I am sure that is what has kept me going, but I have found I am running out of energy. I thought as time went on I would start to come to some understanding of what our life is going to be like or accept some things. But I don't, the civil suit against the young man and his insurance company is starting to come to a close and it looks like we will "win", I laugh at that because I don't think we will ever win at anything again as nothing we do anymore feels okay, if you no what i mean. Anyway supposed to get back to work, once again thanks for listening and posting. Sometimes just connecting with someone I "know" knows what this is like makes me feel a little less alone. take care Colleen Marksmomforever

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Hi Marksmom,

 

I too, know how you feel.  Our daughter has now been gone for 2 yrs. and I feel like "where have I been for 2 yrs."?  I know I have existed, but do we ever start living and feeling joy again?  I swore that I would try and be thankful for every day that we had with her, but there are some days, that I just feel like never waking up again.  Mira was our only child.  What a joy she was and such a light in our lives.  My husband and I are stuck in living as a "family", but now we are a "couple".  It's hard to find a balance between doing things with our friends that all have children, and not hurting their feeling when we do things with just adults.  I pray that our journey will teach us compassion and understanding.  However, I feel sometimes "to sit and be still" is a great place to be.  Good luck with each day and may the memories of your son, continue to bring joy and healing.  

Natalie

   

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marksmomforever

Thanks for the reply, although I hate that so many of us have had to endure this kind of loss it does make me feel less alone knowing others DO know how I feel and what kind of struggles we now have to work through.

I am sorry about your daughter, I am sorry you to have to belong to this group. This is no doubt a group none of us ever wanted to belong to. I have actually lost the energy to even come and post here. I had thought time would help but for some reason I am starting to believe that at least the first few months we were likely so numb with shock and grief that I didn't feel alot of anything. I just went around like a zombie. Because I work with children and I don't have the kind of job where you can just stop and re-start down the road I never even missed much work I believe a day or two around the funeral and then I was back at it. Both my husband and I just worked and our two other boys followed suit, at first I thought it was good now I see we just all avoided the inevitable.

I am going to try hard to come here at least once a week, as it is one of the few places I feel kindof normal. Everyone else I try to explain  how I feel and they think I am crazy. I don't know how people think that something like this can happen and that you will just get over it. YOU NEVER WILL GET OVER IT AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED, we may get through it and eventually get some kind of "new normal" but i know I will never be okay with this. I am sorry I just can't.

Everyday I dream of just going to him, I feel like I am a bad mom for not KNOWING where he is. I know some of you are sure you know where your children are and I used to think I had some strong beliefs in this area and the minute this happened all my beliefs my thoughts about life and death all began being challenged by myself. I just can't get ahold of my thoughts. You would think after three years I would have thought every thing through enough times, yet I haven't. I am still stuck at that hospital in the intensive care, I still remember like it was yesterday just begging for him to be okay. THinking this is not fair, he is a good boy, follows the rules etc. and another person made a choice and it cost me my son it cost my son his life, none of this is fair for any of us or our children.

I am sorry lately I just can't seem to get my thoughts in order or get my mom skills back on track. To be honest I look at my family and i don't know who we are anymore. Our two other boys are not who they were, they are angry underneath I know it, and unfortunately the only person they can last out at is me. THey know there dad can't take it right now so I guess I am it. I just love them all so much and I wish I could take their hurt and pain away and I wish I could bring our son back, but I can't do anything. Its so wierd when your kids are born and and your raising a family you believe you have some control over things, you have a belief that if you do what is right your family will be safe. THen all of a sudden your life is blown away and one of your children is ripped from your home, and you can't do a darn thing about it.

Thanks very much again for replying, and sorry that I sound so dismal I had hoped at some point I could say some encourageing words to parent who are just starting this process but I am still stuck. Its like I am a shell of who I was, I sincerely hope at some point I can help someone else the way others have helped me. take care Marksmomforever.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

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riget91710

Haven't been here or posted for a long time but I seemed to have so many issues I'm dealing with right now that I thought I would drop in.  Was glad to find this string.

It has been over 4 years since I lost my son, I sometimes feel I should be further along than I am also.  Since his death, my daughter has blessed me with 2 beautiful little grand daughters who I thoughly enjoy and love dearly.  My only problem is that sometimes I think about how much he would enjoy them and how much they would love him.

At this point in time, I am not close to where they live and basically have had to deal with this horrible situation by myself.  His Dad and I have been divorced a long time an my daugher dealt with her grief in her own way and has her own family with her husband and now her 2 little girls.

On top of everything else, I had some movie film of the kids when they were little that I finally took to have them put on DVD's.  They have lost my film and can not find the DVD's, so now I don't even have those memories to watch.  I have talked to a couple of attorney's but haven't gotten a very positive response.

I have decided there is no time limit on grief especially when it is your child.  I'm not really sure what I need to help me get through this.  It is nice to know that I am not the only one that stills feels the gut wrenching pain when I look at his picture or think about things we did together.

Best to everyone.

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bigmikesmom

Marks mom forever,

I haven't been on BI for a liitle while. I was too depressed. I feel exactly the same way as you do. My Mike was killed nov 23 2006 in a car accident. I have felt like you where did this 18 months go.I can't remember the whole year like I lost a year of my life but yet it is still so gut wreching hard. I thought I was doinga little bit"better" but this month I fell all the way back down. I do not work very much. I work 2 days a week but I had the month of may off and start friday. I do not want to do anything. I get up in the morning only because I have to take my new puppy out but then I fall back to sleep or stare at the tv. I do not want to read grief, self help books anymore. I feel bad my house is getting messy. I just can't get my self motivated. I am on 2 anti-depressants and see a counselor,now once a month. Everyone says how good I am doing but I don't understand that because inside I am not feeling anything but my loss of Mike. I think about him all the time. I was trying to clean out his room because my other son, Matt, who is 24 moved home and needs a bedroom, we turned matt's bedroom into an office, but yesterday, I started wailing and saying "mIKE, i CAN'T PUT YOU IN A BOX" when I started to take down some of his pictures. I wanted to respond to your post,I don't think I can help but maybe by me letting you know I feel the same way will help you to know that you are not going crazy or something.

  Trish,

Did you get my e-mail.I miss you!

pATTI-bIGmIKESmOM

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4everjoeysmom

Patti, I have those same feelings in up and down swings.  I am learning to go with the flow and am trying to ease up on feeling so guilty when I need a mindless day or two, or three or four.  I started reading fantasy series books, like CS Lewis Chronicles of Narnia, and the Wheel of Time series by another author.  I actually find comfort in the escape, and it gives my heart and mind a break from the deep grieving.  It may sound odd, but I feel refreshed after a time of "get away" where I don't have to talk or think, or respond in any certain way.  I've also been gardening a bit.  I find that when I plan, I have a hard time keeping the motivation to do what needs to be done.  My schedule allows me to be more spontaneous, and it sounds like yours does too.  Have you tried reading something other than non-fiction self-help and grief books?  I have read so many of those, and I still have a stack untouched.  Some day I'll get to them.  I figure I have the rest of my life to work through this.  Why not give myself a break and actually read something that takes me away for a while?

I'm so sorry you are having such rough waves right now.  In time they ebb and flow, and I guess I am still trying to learn balance on the surf.  You're not alone in your feelings...   Big Hugs to Big Mike's Mom!  ~Claudia

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I know how you feel it has been a very long time for me too. I have started counciling and I don't know that it is working, When I leave I would say yes but by the next day all the pain is back. Today is nine months since my little angel got her wings. It really sucks. I miss her so much. Today is really hard because I was pregnant with her for nine months now she is gone after nine years and nine month.  I often wonder how can life be so cruel??? I know she is in a better place but I still wish she was here with her other family. The one who misses her dearly.

She died on the first day of school and today was the last day. So tonight her friends came over(very hard to see them all) and we planted her favorite flowers in pots that we all decorated and took them out to her. We watched a slide show of her pictures and talked about her. I answered the questions her friends had about how she died and the accident. It was intresting what some of them had heared or what their little mind thought.  I also found out some of the things they did when they were over here that she would be in so much trouble for. We laughed and cried so much tonight. I think that was more theroetic then talking to counclor and I hope it helped her friends.

I MISS And LOVE YOU JAYME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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bigmikesmom

Claudia,

It is so good to hear from you. Thank you for the advice. Tomorrow I am going to Relax and read a fiction book while sitting in the sun. It is supposed to be 87. I am in such a downward spiral. I need to halt it and at least try to stay horizontal or better yet pull myself up a liitle. You are a real sweetheart. Hugs back to you!

 momof04,

 It sounds like you had a wonderful time talking and laughing with Jaymee's friends, good for you. I will keep you in my prayers as we travel this road together.

Patti-bigmikesmom

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Thank you I really need it latly.  I have been so down. There is days I think I could walk away from my whole family. I just am sick of dealing with this.

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