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I need some kind words today please.


dsmurph

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Today I was forced to clean out my closet and bedroom. This is where Emily sat on my bed thinking her final thoughts and making her final decision. I have not slept there since and never will. I only go in my room to get my clothes. We wave a family member coming to stay for a while. so, I had to put my things in another bedroom. I could not handle it the other day but felt better and stronger this morning. But, obviously I am not. I cannot quit crying and wishing that I was dead. I am not suicidal but, cannot help but wish I could die. I do get tired of trying to be so positive. I want it but it is such a battle when inside I am torn apart. I wish my daughter would show herself to me. I really need it. I know she is here, around me, but I need her to show me. Today I could use some kind and uplifting words from you all, please.

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I wish I could reach out and just hold you close. I remember all too well the old familiar feeling of walking into Jeff's room and having to "deal" with his things. I have walked in your shoes and for me it is only three years. To some it may seem ages...as I have been told all too frequently. To me it seems as if it happened just last month. I am so sorry that you are having to experience this heartbreaking pain. It has not been long since Emily passed away. It is going to take a lot of time to process this in your head. I know it did me. The first year was the hardest. It felt very surreal. The pain came in waves and often when I least expected it. Triggered by memories. A song played on the radio, a TV program theme, a birthday, etc. The awful reality that he was gone. I often managed to block it out. In time the days started to begin to take shape again. There were bits of happiness and some laughter even at some points. But it took ages to slowly feel my feet touch the ground. You must let the tears flow. It helps to release the pent up sadness. There is nothing wrong with having those days. As long as you can get back up again and keep going. You can do it. Emily would want you to. I know Jeff was behind me moving ahead. He definitely would not want my life to stop because he is no longer here. I decided that instead of leaving him behind that I am taking him along with me. Each step of the way. He will always be with me in spirit...and just because I can't see him does not mean I can't talk to him. Not in some crazy nutcase way...but as if he were still here and nothing had changed. I have not turned him into a saint or anything. Just my son that is on the other side waiting for me when it is my allotted time to go. Sending you love and hugs and wishing you peace as today unfolds. Kate

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Dsmurph,

I have been on this journey for almost 5 years. My son, Brian died 6-19-2008 at the age of 16.

Right now, your energy level may be at rock bottom. It takes 10 x the energy to do anything now then when our children were alive.

I am here to tell you that the pain gets softer and the breakdowns become farther apart. They never disappear.

Please stay on your current path of trying to be positive....this also becomes a bit easier as time goes on.

Also, you are not alone. There are many parents who have lost children...all different ages and reasons.

We are here for you.

Consider yourself hugged.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

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Thank you all for your compassionate words. I didn't think about being at the 6th month mark. Thank you Cara's mom- Lora. I am greatful for all of you here who reach out with understanding and love to others even though your hearts are in pain. Thank you for continuing with the quilt as we do share that common thread. Blessings

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I think I feel better today. Thank you for the ones who reached out. Yesterday was very painful for me. I reached out and found a good sight for parents of children who commited suicide. If anyone is interested, message me and I will give them the name of the sight. I believe it will be helpful to me. I hope to have a better day today. Blessings

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Debbie,

Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and the loss of your daughter. Your daughter died only 15 days after my son and it is so incredibly difficult some days. I see so much of my own battle with grief mirrored in what you wrote.

Emily is remembered today and her beautiful life.

Jesse David's Mom, Laurie

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Mermaid Tears

I have begun to grow either another kind of circle of thinking or another layer of understanding that I can't quite put a finger on ....it is a glimmer of a new kind of lesson that I am learning....once again I am put in a very humble place....for I don't 'know' how a parent really feels when their child commits suicide....I can only 'know' we share the same grief in the loss of a child. I am not that religious....but I am spiritual...and becoming more so each day....but I do know there is a Higher Power....if you want to call it God or Carrot....it is still the same.....I do believe your child simply decided it was too painful...too hard...too heavy a load....and they decided to go home....the same Angels were there for them...as with our children that were killed on a highway....our children that died in a hospital...our children that died in our arms....there is no difference in God's love...(once again...you can give it another name)...and your grief has got to be so hard...so dark...so deep. I only have a few words to give....but I have a heart full of blessings for you..and can only come on this site to hear what you are going through and just 'sit and hold your hand' ...I do believe in love and healing...and we will come to a 'healing place' in our own unique way....mine will be different than yours...my time will be different than yours....please just come back and let us know how you are doing. I will share what lesson or insight I get ....

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The hardest day for me was the day I sat across from our family doctor and was told that my son did not have to die. That was the most difficult thing I have every had to process. And it still is. Yes, losing a child to suicide carries an added burden of pain. As if it was not hard enough. However, after a few years I have grown to see that it was indeed his time to go. That it was not an act of cowardice...as some would have others believe. But the act of a young man that was suffering from a very deep depression that had sunk to an all time low. A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE! And one that perhaps could have been made somewhat easier with proper meds. I simply do not know at this point. I do know that he is at peace. I also know that we loved him beyond measure and he us. He simply suffered from a very real illness and it is called Depression. The same as having cancer, MS, etc. One day society will begin to educate themselves and bring this very real and all too hidden illness out into the open. If they feel they can discuss it openly without fear of prejudice...then perhaps we can start to save a few lives and the healing process will begin. My faith sustains me through this. I know my son is at peace and with his Creator where he will be loved and not judged unfairly. Time heals most wounds. But the scars remain for those left.

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Thank you Kate, Mermaid Tears and Jesse David's Mom,

Thank you for sharing with me. I find myself growing more spiritual everyday too. A death of a child completely changes the way you look at everything. I thought I had a relationship with GOD before but have realized since Emily passed just how much I was missing. I also know that she is with our Creator. We all belong to Him and when we pass, our spirits return to Him. We have had so many so signs. These rainbows in this picture were present the day of her funeral. But, the pain still hurts, even though I know these things. I am learning that nothing matters on this earth but to have love and compassion for one another. Even through this most horrible Pain, Emily is still teaching us the lessons that children teach their parents. I am thankful to hear that you are not judging my daughter and us for the way she passed. Believe me, We place enough judgment on ourselves to cover 100's of people. I thank each and every one of you for reaching out with your hearts. Debbie, Emily's Mom

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Debbie,

Please know that we are from all walks of life and from all over the world. We come together to support each other.

I know sometimes it feels like you cannot survive another minute in this pain. Then the next minute comes and we are still here.

You will not always feel this searing pain. That depth of pain subsides over time.

Consider yourself hugged.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

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Deb,

Rest assured she is there, however we lack the faith to see them. I can fully understand where you are coming from. It seems it would be much easier to just die than bare this pain everyday. It is too hard to deal with sometimes, and what makes it harder are all the unanswered questions we have, that never seem to go away. All we know is if we could change it, we would, and it is frustrating that we cant. We have a hard time dealing that something exists or has happened that we had no warning of and did not control. It is a shear feeling of hopelessness. These feelings do pass, if even for a short time.

The only thing I can say that i know you will understand is "I understand", and you know I do.

Sometimes it is just good to hear that others understand us and our feelings.

God Bless,

Al

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As I reread the posts I have already read and read the new ones, I feel blessed as you reach out with honesty and compassion. I was given a gift today, a gift of clarity that I would like to share. Many of you know that we have had many visits from Emily. Some of the visits were probably unbelievable to most people. But, we knew.... Over the last few weeks I have felt something different. There have been a couple of times when I have felt Emily, but no visits like before. The night before Mothers Day I had a dream that some people came to me and told me to look on my computer. In my dream when I looked on my computer Emily had sent me an email. It said ," I'm ok.... I'm ok. I woke afterwards knowing Emily was ok and something was different. Today somebody had shared that some people say when people take their own lives they go into a cocoon like stage where they are loved and deal with their pain that caused them to do this until healed. I had read this before but today it hit me very clearly. Emily came to us in the strongest ways that very few people experience because it was all part of her healing. Not so much about us but about her. My dream was her showing me that she is on that next level. She has healed. I know her visits from now on will be different. I feel so blessed to have been shown this today. I am happy that my daughter is moving forward. It seems strange to some people to hear a person speak like this. But, I believe our life here is just a small part of our existence. I am greatful that our Father is so merciful that he allows us to know that he still has our loved ones, HE knows it brings us and our loved ones comfort. In 2010 over 38,000 people in the U.S. took their own lives. Worldwide annually over one million people take their own lives. It is so sad. I miss Emily every minute of every day. but, today I am coping. The wave has calmed for the time being. Thank you all for being there. Debbie--- Memmie's Mom

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Mermaid Tears

Thank you for sharing....we need to be reminded that when people will share 'their journey'..there will always be a word or words that can touch and reach us...and sharing your profound truth of what you have learned can only be a light to others paths. I am so very happy that your girl has 'been' with you...for even death cannot break the bonds of love...I have been trying to keep myself focused on all that is going on around me and taking care of all that I need to care for....but I have been very emotional on some level....and I feel a 'tugging' somewhere in myself....it is like trying to remember a dream you had...or trying to remember the right word...very vague....maybe I am breaking into another level...phase...maybe I am supposed to learn something..get a break through. Sadness and grief is like having a 40 lb. backpack that you now wear. Exhausting at times...but I will not put it down...I can't put it down...not yet. For it is because I lost my son....that I carry it now. I know it will get lighter and brighter someday.

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Very well put Mermaid Tears, It is like a 40 lb. backpack. And we cannot put in down. It is there probably forever, maybe with a little less weight someday. Debbie

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