I miss you mom.

[jabbers350]

Its been almost 6 months since the last time I saw my mom.

The last time I heard her voice she was mad at me. I had gone behind her back, and tried to get her help. Obviously I had picked the wrong person, as she had gone right around and told my mom almost everything I said.

My mom was hurt, called me, and we both said things we shouldn't have. She didn't say I love you before hanging up, and she always did. I was angry, so I let the conversation slide off my back and went on with my day.

She didn't call me after that. 3 days went by before I even heard from her again. It was a text:

"Do u love me?"

It was at that point I had a... weird feeling. It just didn't seem normal. I had an urge to call her, but I didn't. I was still pretty upset about our earlier phone call. Instead I just answered the text:

"Forever and always, no matter what. I promise."

She took a while to answer back:

"I love u too."

I was expecting a longer answer then that, but I didn't want the conversation to just end. I was planning a trip to go and visit her for a week or two, in the upcoming month. She lived 2 provinces away, so we had to plan ahead as early as we could.

"Am I still coming out in october?"

She read it, I was using bbm, so I could clearly see she had infact read the text. I didn't get an answer. It was at that point she had changed her status to "I love you."

It felt weird, but I shook it off, and continued on with my day.

That night, my step-dad called me telling me to call my mom, an if she didn't answer, call my family to go look for her. I guess she had called him, telling him she wasn't going to be around, and that he needed to take care of my brother and I. At first I was angry. She'd do this sometimes. Get upset about something, drink, then disappear for a night. But she'd always be back in the morning. I can't tell you how many nights I slept on the couch waiting for her to get home.

But she didn't come home the next day. or the day after that.

It wasn't until 3 days later that we found her.

She had mixed her sleeping pills, and alcohol, and wondered off down the street, into what they call the 'coolies'. Basically a small valley, filled with lots of dead wood and trees.

I will never forget that feeling. The phone call. I can't remember crying into someone's arms. I can't remember anyone holding me, or what I was thinking at that point. It was weird. I saw myself crying. I think it just hurt so much I had to remove myself. I don't know, I can't explain it.

I think what hurts the most, is that she chose to leave us.

I'm 21, and the doctors have put me on Clonazepam to help with the anxiety, but all it does is make me feel worse.

I just dont know what to do.

Thank you for reading.

[dsmurph]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. She truly did love you, she just had her own struggles. There is an herb called valerian root. It does help with anxieties. I can feel it helping me within a few minutes of taking it. I still don't sleep very well though. Hang in there and know that your Mom is finally at peace with her struggles and that she is around you all the time.