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So Many Things Left Unsaid, I Feel So Guilty


tjtigers14

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My dad passed away last month on the 12th after a 2 year battle with cancer. I miss him so much and even though he was sick for a long time, it still feels so unreal. My main thing is that I just feel really really guilty. Most of the 2 years he was sick, I was addicted to amphetamines. Not only was I stressing him out and acting like a child (I'm 22), but I spent all of my time in my room and rarely hung out with him. I did have some good times when I was clean and we talked a lot and watched baseball together. But the last month he was alive, I was using and we barely spent any time together. I just remember one of the last times we talked before he went into the hospital for the last time, it felt so strange because we hadn't really talked in so long. He was on disability and was always home when I was (I work from home), and I just let him sit down there alone with no one to talk to all day. I feel so guilty, I just keep thinking back to him sitting alone downstairs while I was upstairs selfishly on my computer tweaking away on my drugs. I would give anything to talk to him, to spend another minute with him. I just miss him so much...

Does anybody else have these feelings of guilt that they could have spent more/better time with their loved one? He was a great man, a great husband and a great father and I was a terrible son. It really hurts, I just want to talk to him and tell him I'm sorry and get a re-do. But I can't.

Thanks for reading, I just had to write all of this down and get it off my chest somewhere. Sorry for all of your losses, it's so painful and I can't imagine how it would feel to lose a sibling, spouse or child. I'm balling my eyes out many nights over my father.

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I think guilt is natural for a lot of us. Your Dad is closer to you than you know right now. You are right, we cannot redo it. I wish I could every day of my life. But, we don't get a second chance this time. You know he would not want you to be on drugs. He wants good for you. Try your best to take the love that your Dad has for you and walk it. You can still show him and yourself that you can change your life for the better. I take my guilt and try to let my daughter's spirit live on by having love and compassion, the way she would have. My guilt and sadness is still there everyday. But, I refuse to let it beat me down. I know Emily would not want that. I'm sure your Dad would not want that for you either. Hang in there.

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StillGrievingToday

I struggle with guilt too. For all the times I was mean to my mom. For not being more present when she was dying. I try not to beat myself up too much. We are not taught how to handle losing a parent. I keep telling myself to honor her memory by living a better life. It's hard. Especially when there is addiction involved.

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