My Mommy

[charitym35]

I have always been a Mommy's Girl. I am not ashamed of that, even though I am 35 now. My mom passed in Aug., 2011, of COPD. It was hard to watch. It was a painful, agonizing, HORRIBLE experience. She was diagnosed in 2008. I drove from Washington State back to Oklahoma in 2 1/2 days just to get back to her. It took 3 years to watch her go. 3 years of rehab facilities, hospitals, hospice workers and finally a nursing home. We tried to care for her at home once, but realized quickly we weren't up to the job. There were so many meds, she could not communicate well enough and we just didn't know what we were doing.

It doesn't seem to be getting any better. A thought, a song, a show on TV, everything sets me off crying. I joined here because I do not have anyone to talk to about it. My boyfriend tries, but he doesn't know what to say, he just ends up holding me while I cry, wishing there were something he could do. My children don't get it, they didn't know her as well, we didn't live close enough most times to see her often. My family...there's no use trying. My dad has moved on, which I AM happy about, he is now living with a woman who makes him really happy, and I am glad, I don't want him lonely all the time. BUT...he won't hear a thing about my mother. If we ask a question or bring her up, he doesn't answer or ignores us. My siblings are almost the same way. One of my brothers is on my dad's side, and he has a new baby and I don't want to bring him down. He lost his mother 6 months before I did. My other brother is touring the US with his band right now. I have three half sisters, one of whom is totally lost to me, we had a HUGE fight the night of the funeral. The other two? My OLDEST sister is ok, but she always insists we could have done more for mom, there was no need to "stick her in a home", even though there WAS. And the other sister did not grow up with us, she only knew mom for about a year before she died, but she's always so busy.

I do get up out of bed every day. Sometimes I crawl back in with my blankets. I sit at the computer playing World of Warcraft a lot, because I would rather be in that fantasy world than in this one without her. I don't want to see people, or talk to anyone, or go anywhere. I lost the good job I had at the time, because of absences due to my depression. I am looking for another one, but I don't REALLY want to.

It feels like a piece of me went with her. I know in my HEAD that that isn't logical, but I can't make my heart feel it. I remember the good times, I try to talk to people sometimes, I have been on medications. It doesn't seem like anything helps...maybe someone here will have a good idea. I cannot seem to go to her gravesite...I don't believe she is hanging around there, and I know I would just sit there like I was in shock, staring at the stone. I just don't know what to do.

Everyone tells me it gets better, it lessens, things won't look so bad or dark some days. I haven't had that experience. There isn't some magic day coming when I will wake up and not think of my mother. She listened when I talked, gave me advice, helped me with recipes, called me at midnight on my birthday to sing "Hippo Birdie, Two Ewes, Hippo Birdie, Two Ewes, Hippo Birdie Deer Ewes, Hippo Birdie Two Ewes" every year. She won't get to be with me when my children drive, get married, have kids of their own or if they need her.

Well, I do have to go get my daughter ready for her first dance...I hope for some helpful input. I am trying to live, just not doing a good job of it. Thank you for listening.

[ModKonnie]

CharityM35, I am very sorry about the loss of your mom. Have you tried some professional help to sort through? Do you journal? Have you written your mom a letter to talk with her? Sometimes, people find this extremely helpful. Just know, you are not the only one experiencing this. There are many people here who have lost their precious parents. They may be able to offer you some sage advice. I know when I feel overwhelmed and missing my father, I try to imagine what he would say to me, and I try to sit and just picture him. It seems to help me. We will be here for you, ModKonnie

[charitym35]

Thank you, ModKonnie. That is why I came here...I really like the idea that I am not the only one. I mean, I KNOW I'm not...but it feels that way sometimes. I go to my doctors and let them know what is going on with me, and they offer more medications...I ask about therapy and no one seems to have any recommendations. I don't journal. I have bad experiences with people reading what I have written, even though it is supposed to be private thoughts and feelings, and I don't feel comfortable doing it anymore. I haven't done the letter thing. I have heard of it, my daughter's counselor had her do it right after...I just don't feel like I can sit down and bear it all right now. I am open to any and all input. I just know I couldn't take it all on by myself anymore. Thanks to any and everyone for your advice.

[Bamakathy]

I buried my mom Friday. I received a letter from a cousin telling all her memories of mom. It gave my sister and I comfort, so we have asked others to do the same. Still hurts but it helps us to think more about her life than her death, I think.

[Bamakathy]

My mom sang to us every year on our birthdays, too. Have you considered a grief support group? It helps to have a safe place to let out those feelings.