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Please help, I feel so lost without her.


Kenk

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I have copied this from a post I had made earlier today. I'm a wreck, I missed work today and couldn't get out of bed. I managed to call a counselor my insurance provides over the phone and she recommended I seek help in multiple places.

Hello, all I can say is I am so lost right now. My girlfriend passed away the night before Easter in an accident that just makes no sense to me. I’ve never lost anyone this close, and nobody I know has lost a lover before. I am hoping that someone or something here can help me in any way. Please, I have no idea what is happening to me.

I called my girlfriend”s house (she lives with her parents with her 4 kids) this morning to see what the plans were for Easter. Her father picked up, said hold on, and a police officer then spoke to me asking for my name and contact info, and that I was to go see a detective.

When I got there I got the news, she passed away. I didn’t know how to act, I’ve never lost anyone this close. I gave my statement, and I got minimal info. Just that I was the last person to see her, and that she had been up on the roof at one point, but found in the front yard. And that I was the last person to see her. This news is devastating to me.

I had come over last night to hang out and watch some TV with her. I’m 31, she would have been 33 on May 1st. I had been scaling things back in our relationship for a while now, my goal to make it less intense. She had a lot going on, an alcohol problem, not to mention frequent clashes with her parents over issues with her children. And I felt like focusing on our relationship wasn’t exactly helping anything.

So as I said, I went over her house last night, brought her some food since she had mentioned she didnt feel like cooking anything. And we started to watch a movie. I noticed she seemed more listless than usual (she was prone to having emotional outburts and felt like nobody cared or understood). She mentioned she didn’t know why she wasn’t doing anything, but couldn’t stop thinking. At this point, the youngest child came asking for help with a band aid, I got frustrated so I went downstairs to help. When I came back up, my girlfriend had gone to her sons’ room, so I left… I just left.

I hadn’t told her I loved her in a long while, making this day even worse. I don’t believe it was suicide though, I’m guessing it was an accident and she may have been drinking, going out onto the roof to try to call a pet parakeet that had escaped earlier that day. And we had plans, nothing solid, but plans for the near future. They seem to think she was out there reading, but the roof is so steep and it was a dark windy rainy night. It makes no sense to me. I think her father shut the attic door, either knowing she was up there to make a point, or not knowing, and she tried to find a way to a lower part.

So I have been through nothing like this before. I don’t have any emotionally capable friends nearby to help with this at all. My question is what happens next with grief loss and bereavement? How am I supposed to feel? Right now it feels surreal one moment, but I find myself in tears when I see some silly little nick knack she had given me. She was my best friend. Any plans I had involved her, and she pretty much was my entire social life around here.

I also feel guilt. I know it’s not my fault, its not my fault 4 kids don’t have a mother on easter. But I can’t help but feel if I had spent the night with her as she always asked me to, that this wouldn’t have happened. Or if I had gone ahead and took the jump to move in with her in our own house last summer, that things would be different. I know the what if game can go on and on.

But this was a direct link, if I had stayed, or listened to her better (she was bipolar), or if I had stayed the night like she always asked me.

She had come so far in turning her life around, at least it seemed that way. No way to know for sure until the toxicology results. But she was a good person who often said all I need is a hug to cheer me up. I didn’t even try to give her one last night and I knew she wasn’t happy. Here was someone with a heart of gold that I was actually trying to lessen the intensity of my relationship with. The first person I’ve been with that never criticized or judged me, much less anyone else. It’s selfish but I feel like a bad person.

I know I’m not a bad person, just that I took for granted all those little quirks she had, or comments she made trying to be funny. It’s going to be tough not having her ask how my day was each day so I can complain about an annoying co-worker. I’m trying to keep my mind bouncing around from spiritual questions such as what she believed after death vs other beliefs, if I’d come across her path elsewhere, to things like what do I do now? How can I expand a social circle that only contained 1 person? She 100% believed I was THE one for her. Does this mean she was wrong? Or would I end up doing myself an injustice by moving on from such a special, one of a kind soul? It seems to be working somewhat. But is it the right thing to do? Should I actually tackle these issues 1 at a time to try to get through them? Is postponing them even smart? I’ve looked up a lot of different spiritual beliefs and non beliefs, none are particularly comforting right now.

Her father called me to talk later that week, it was hard for him but I appreciated it. I wish that was all there was to it, but it really upset me.

First, they had the viewing without telling or inviting me. I’m not sure why, he said something about them not knowing how the kids would react to seeing their mother, and that it was immediate family only. I can’t tell you how many times she would fight with them insisting I was family. I attended every holiday there is with her, and even got to go on vacation with all of them. I asked the sister about it, she said she didn’t think there was a reason I wasn’t invited, that it wasn’t her choice, she invited who she was told to. Which included my late gfs best friend from middle school. Very confusing, but apparently the father needed her there. But I know my late gf would have wanted and expected me there as well. She would be furious that I wasn’t. Then Saturday night

I was told that the family said she never opened up about me…. How? I was over there at least 2x a week minimum. I can’t help but feel now ill never get to say goodbye. They’re allowing me to give them a letter that will supposedly be placed with her ashes, but can I believe that? I miss her so much and her family is still ignoring her wishes just as they did in her life.

Then it was time for the funeral Sunday. So the funeral made me angry. The first person to talk to me was her brother’s mother in law, she made a point to come tell me how sorry she was, having recognized me from family events. The next was her grandmother, mixed results. She said something along the lines of “we wondered where you were for the viewing and cremation, you are part of the family. I told her how lucky she was to have you. “. Then 5 minutes later she says “I wish you could have met the real her.” Are you kidding me?! 2 years of my life was with this woman. She says it was probably for the best that I didn’t end up with her bc she had a “mental illness”. She was bipolar but seriously? I’d go crazy too with so many people putting me down.

Then the family came, nice enough, but her ex showed up too. This is what really started to bother me. She really didnt like him, she left and stayed at a women’s abuse center because of how threatening and verbally abusive he was. She said she only married him to get away from her parents. While I’m sure she did live him at one point, that Marriage had ended long ago.

But he ended up being one of the speakers. Saying how he met her when he was 25 (left out that she was 17), and said she was a great mother. But he never paid child support but maybe 3 times in the 2 years since their divorce. He was never there for the kids, living with one woman to the next. It really bothered me seeing him crying and saying he loved her. Con artist.

The other one that bothered me was her “best friend” who I had not met once in the entire 2 years I was with my gf. She described a middle school, young young adult version of her. In fact, every picture was of her as a child or as a 25ish or under. Her hair was natural now, the “best friend” described a girl that loved dying her hair. Umm hello? Do you not know her anymore?

Not to mention her pall bearers were her ex, her “best friends” boyfriend, the guy that used to be married to her sister, and her brother. It felt like a joke to me. Like these people are all conspiring to erase the adult version of this woman, one who had troubles early on, but fell head over heels for me over the past 2 years. Can anyone give me advice?

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Kenk, I am so very sorry about your loss. I am glad you have decided to seek professional counseling. It sounds as though you may have been in a relationship with a person who had her own struggles and perhaps was trying to lose the past? The funeral arrangements and leaving you out was definitely odd, but I am not sure how you tackle this one. I am glad you know you weren't responsible. Losing anyone is tough, but for you to reach out to others and talk about it is good. What was the conversation with her father like? Is he someone you could continue to have a relationship with? I would ask my counselor whether to tackle all the issues at once or deal with them one at a time. We will be here to listen to you. We will be here for you--ModKonnie

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I am sorry to read about your loss and all of the troubles you have been going through. I lost my boyfriend/husband of 3.5years to a tragic accident 7 weeks ago. It is horrible all the feelings we can go through and all of the what if's that go through my head all the time. Please know its better to take one step at a time and talking to people can really help. Is there a support group in your area? I joined one and will be going tomorrow night for the first time. Also have you ever gone in the chat room on this site? There are some very nice supportive people that go in there that will help you out, even if it is to just keep you company. Please feel free to contact me if you would like to talk! I am here living the nightmare everyday for the last 7 weeks.. Peace

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My relationship with her father is best described as neutral. I never really got into any deep conversations with him. He and my late girlfriend were often fighting, more so than I thought possible. The conversation was good, except that he said, as I heard so often Sunday, that the "real" version of my girlfriend was years ago, when she was not living at home, but still in a loveless sometimes abusive marriage. So there is currently a level of frustration. I emailed him earlier about meeting up to write something nice about her on balloons and release them. I didn't get a response, so I had my family each write 1 thing they loved about her, and I wrote 3, putting a picture of us on the biggest balloon. I took pictures holding them and released it while recording it on my camera. It looked like they wouldn't clear the trees at first bc of the picture weighing down the larger balloon, but they caught a breeze and went sooo high! I feel better, at least for now. Until I realize that she won't be calling again tonight.

I am very thankful that I found this site. I am sorry to hear of your loss, but so happy that even through your troubled times, that you're taking time to help another lost soul. This is what I've been looking for. I'm socially awkward to say the least, and not feeling too religious at the moment, but I have looked at support groups. Do they all tend to be in churches?

I would very much like to write you or chat with anyone that has been, or is going through the same thing. I've never lost anyone close before, but the few friends I do have try to help, but it's not the same. They describe grieving over a lost family member, which seems like a different kind of grief. We learn to become independent of family, but we are supposed to get closer to our lover. Is it ok to give my email on here mod? Or is there a private way for that?

Thank you both so much, I'm sure the pain is going to come rushing back, but I do feel better for now.

Ken

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Grief is grief and everyone's journey is different. Support groups are all over you just have to keep looking unstill you find one that works for you. Hospice has a good one in my area and you don't have to be associated with them to go. I wish you well on your journey in the grief process.

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Right now the hardest part is feeling like I've been robbed of my perfect life, along with 4 sweet children of their mother. And that the version, the true version of her, that I loved is being forgotten or is unknown.

That and the guilt. I wish I would have done things different that night, listened or grabbed her and hugged her when she was confused. But I just left and didn't look hard enough when I had a change of heart. Had I done that, i think I wouldn't be on here, is be at work looking forward to meeting for lunch, or complaining to her about an annoying co worker over text. Heck, I'd even settle for being mad at each other. Anything other than this. So much of who I am, was tied in with her. We were a true couple.

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So I decided to email her neighbor, who also happens to be a pastor that performed her funeral service and she said she would be glad to meet with me tomorrow. Any suggestions on questions I can ask? She said she can't give out anything that was said in confidence. Though it would be nice to hear her say my gf came over and mentioned how in love she was. Or even that she had decided she wanted to move on from me. There would be a finality to that as well in a weird way.

She mentioned she had also wondered about my not being there for the viewing and cremation. So at least it's not just me. Anyway, I've been taking notes on what to ask or bring up, let me know what you think...

Not sure how to feel, understand everyone grieves in own way.

Service was upsetting, images of young 25 under her, ex husband speaking, burial wishes I know I have no control over

The "real" her comments.

The "never opened up about me" comments. Room emptied of all books and letters I wrote?

All this makes me wonder if I knew the real her or not... We'd spend a lot of time together, but if she didnt open up, did she not really feel the same for me?

She said she was so sure I was the one for her, does this mean she was wrong?

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Kenk so sorry for your loss.

When my mother passed away we started to clear away her stuff after her funeral. My father wanted it done. It was so hard but some people need that done. Me on the other hand is the extreme opposite. My husband's lunch pail is still on the kitchen counter where he left it. I don't think they are erasing you it is just the way her family is coping.

I think you have such extreme guilt right now. I have it too. How can you forgive your girlfriend's family? How can you forgive yourself for not knowing what was going on in her head? Those are the questions to ask the pastor.

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Thank you needy. It may be the way they're coping, but when they're done there's going to be nothing left of her from the last few years. I find it hard to believe they could have so thoroughly cleaned her room, but not found the camera she always took with us. But maybe they really haven't.

I feel like I'm fighting a war for this part of her to be remembered. Without this fight, the history of my girlfriend will just end with the times they approved of her. I know she was troubled the last few years, but the excuse of there being so many guys doesn't cut it. We had a good solid relationship that was good for her. Her home life may have been full of fighting, but that doesn't mean she didn't love her family. There was do much good to her, and I can't let her family just white that out.

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Just an update. I met with her parents today. They're still trying to piece together what happened. The mother started to say what was listed on the death certificate, but was cut off by the father. Making me think its listed as suicide or partially intentional or something.... Don't know if I agree. They had some idea that she wouldn't have been moving towards a lower part if the roof due to where they found her. But I can't just see her trying to jump down backwards.

Anyway, the meeting went well, I shared some things, didn't get the journal I wanted, but she hasn't written as much in it as I thought anyway. They did offer to scan them for me.

They also said the ex was full of ****. But didn't offer an explanation as to why I was left out of every service. I didn't pursue it.

They said the sister was wrong, my girlfriend had indeed opened up about me. The normal ups and downs. Called me a butthead often, which was her affectionate term when she was mad at someone.

I tried to make the point that she was getting better, even if it was real slow. And that I do love her completely. They knew. We took pictures together a with the balloons I got, each wrote something on at least one, and released them saying we love her. It was nice. I told them I know we never really talked much, but I do want to stay in touch (for some reason), and that I consider them family. My girlfriend would have wanted that.

But I'm bothered by why they think the ex still has power over her. They mentioned that she was placed next to her grandmother, but didn't tell him because of how he might react. They were divorced. It's just confusing.

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And if one more person says it was in gods plan I'm gonna lose it too. What kind of god plans to let Osama live to be 70+ and takes an innocent loving mother of 4?

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So this morning I woke up with two new thoughts. First, I realized if all goes well in my life, I will be spending another 40-60 years without her. This breaks my heart. Even at age 31, she was only a tiny sliver of my life, but it felt so much more than that.

The other thought is I'm not sure ill be able to move on. I want to keep loving her, I want for her to keep loving me. I want her to keep coming up with fun little ideas and adventures. Even now I love her so much, that I don't see how I could even attempt with anyone else. I don't really want to. Even her dead seems better than anyone else alive. I really believe this was THE connection of my life. It was so unique and beautiful. And her love is still the only thing around that seems real to me. I do not want to be alone, especially for decades and decades... But I don't feel like in could put my heart into it.

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Just an update. The father of the kids was watching them this weekend but hasn't brought them back to the grandparents house. He sent a note saying he wasn't going to do so.

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So I had my first dream about her. She was dead in it too. I was calling to hear her voice mail, and her sister picked up, I explained what I was doing, called back and there was a brand new angry voice mail by my girlfriend explaining what was going on.

This hurts so much. Is she gone even in my dreams?

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Talk about moving on and NOT. My family farm was homesteaded during the time of the civl war. They still have stuff there from that time and nobody will clean out the good or bad stuff. I on the other hand packed up my husbands things before he stopped breathing as his demise was expected. I am now one year out today and am working diligentley on preparing for an auction. We all handle things in our own time and either was is just OK – no set rule on moving on.

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You're probably right about looking back. But I am also sure I could have been nicer, we all probably can. She loved me, and I wish I would have shown how I felt more. Regret.

Now I'm trying to figure out that if she is the one for me, how do I make sure I get another chance when all I said and done? Living for 50 years without her seems like such a long time. I know she'd want me to have a family, but for me to still love her the most if that makes sense.... I think it does, I think love is a selfish, intimate emotion that loses power when you start adding more people to the mix. That's why we have couples.

As for the kids, I think the oldest boy is ok, he looks up to his father for whatever reason. The younger boy and the 2 girls were still in a state of shock when they left. So no real news yet, just preparations for a legal battle between the ex husband and my girlfriends parents.

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Also recently popped into my mind, is how do I forgive the sister? Do I even bother? If her grandmother, her brother's mother in law, all knew we were close, how could she not have? The parents even said they knew. The sister lied.

To further my point, my girlfriends parents are calling me asking if I know of my girlfriends wishes for the kids, and if I know of any in writing... That's quite a lot to have "never opened up" about me. I kind of want to write the sister and voice my feelings, but I don't know what good it would do.

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When you forgive you do it for yourself NOT for the one you feel did you wrong. I know that is not how you feel --- however it is how it is. As far as her children they should live with their dad - he is the one they need to be with. If he has been abusive that is different, yet I have not heard that from you so they should live with him. For his childrens sake it was good that he was there for them and also at the funeral. Yes they should have also invited you - sorry they neglected to do so.

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The ex was abusive to her, she had to stay at a women's shelter. He also quite often threatened suicide and kept loaded guns in the house. He has had issues with drugs, he moves from woman to woman until they kick him out if the house. Just bad news. Not to mention he never paid any child support and actually lost his drivers license because of it. She was actually going to file for abandonment before the accident.

You probably are right about the forgiveness thing. I just don't think the sister is a very good person. Does she care what I think? Obviously not.

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hate to say but i dont care what my sister in law thinks either. have not spoke to her in almost a year and we were friends for 33 years or at least I was.

and the dad issue It is the dads call on his children---- he may have been a bad husband and perhaps now is his time to step up for his kids. I wish you all the best including the dad and children.

Because you were not married you have to step aside. It is not saying your relationship was not valid just not according to the legal aspect of it and that is what happens in cases like this. I am sorry for your loss and the pain you have is so real I know. Time will help your pain to not hurt so much.

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I'm not the one fighting for custody. That would be the grandparents. The kids have lived there in a fairl stable environment now for years. I'm not sure being moved out of state by a father that was never there, and doesn't have a job, against the mothers wishes, is legally going to hold up.

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We go through life figuring out what we want, taking anything less is settling, right? I believe my "peak happiness" was with her. Anything else I do is just settling.

Not the best example, but consider this. You have a guy that just loves playing soccer. He loves the feel of the pitch, the sound the ball makes when he kicks it, the feel of a good strike. And he's been doing this for the first 30 years of his life.

Then an accident happens, his foot his amputated. He can still play soccer, but it's not the same. The feel is different, the little things he developed all those years are gone. No matter what after that, he would still rather have his foot again.

When his time comes, assuming he has any choice in the matter, don't you think he would pick a "paradise" where he hasn't lost it? Even if it means its a much earlier chapter of his life, but that's when he had the MOST potential to be happy.

Not the best example, but she is what I wanted in life when I could have been my happiest. If there is even the smallest chance that something I do or don't do, which you have to admit is at least possible since nobody knows, affects that chance of being in another relationship, I owe it to myself to pursue it.

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If someone that you KNOW was your true love died at a young age, before you were able to marry, is it OK to marry someone else you care for, and spend your earthly life honoring them, even though, in your heart, you know the first lost love was the only one you would truly wish to spend eternity with?

And if you cant continue that relationship when you die... Why establish something beautiful only to have it jerked away from you forever? Why pour your heart into something that's going to be snatched away?

Why move on after death to something that's difficult to understand where you have no choices to continue to build upon the love you're forged in the here and now?

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Kenk you are early in your journey of grief. Give time --- time and down the road you may look at life in a different window.

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I'm not going to use time as the answer. All time does is dull the senses, no different than going out and getting drunk tonight. It is not a real answer, not the one I'm looking for.

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One thing that everyone told me NOT to do, was question, and while I might agree somewhat with it, I also think that finding answers is crucial. I would also be wrong not to say - dont ask questions you dont really want the answers to. What I mean is there are answers out there, to anything you ask. Answers that WILL satisfy you. Everyone might be asking the same question, but the answer is always different.

How far you pursue your answers is up to you. You have many questions, as we all do, and its important I think to ask them, and even find the answers to them. But its also important to remember that this is the life we have been dealt, and along with getting answers, we have to remember to live again too.

I know that hearing time will make things easier doesn’t help there “Here and now” but it is true…Keep on, you will find the answers you look for and some peace as the days wear on.

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One thing that everyone told me NOT to do, was question, and while I might agree somewhat with it, I also think that finding answers is crucial. I would also be wrong not to say - dont ask questions you dont really want the answers to. What I mean is there are answers out there, to anything you ask. Answers that WILL satisfy you. Everyone might be asking the same question, but the answer is always different.

How far you pursue your answers is up to you. You have many questions, as we all do, and its important I think to ask them, and even find the answers to them. But its also important to remember that this is the life we have been dealt, and along with getting answers, we have to remember to live again too.

I know that hearing time will make things easier doesn’t help there “Here and now” but it is true…Keep on, you will find the answers you look for and some peace as the days wear on.

WELL SAID

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She was a risk taker, but usually not by herself. She would often say things like just kill me or something about her killing herself, immediately followed by I wouldn't do that. The thing that makes me wonder though, is that day or the day before she called saying she was sorry for everything she's done to me. I questioned it more and she said she was talking about the past.

She was having a bipolar episode that night, she said she couldn't stop thinking, and when I got up to leave, she immediately went straight to the ladder to the attic without hesitation. Like she planned to go there.

But again, she wouldn't do anything without saying something to her kids, maybe they know something? I can't really ask though. But I can't picture her leaving them, they were her #1 thing in life, I was close behind. Also, I think she would have acted different... Maybe hinted to me more. What I also question is how nobody looked for her for 2 hours after I left? The dad said he looked at 11, I left between 9 and 930. Surely one of the kids needed her for something.

My counselor recommended I take a trip to somewhere that was special to us. I'm there now, leaving a rosé at all our different beach spots. It's bittersweet though and I don't know if it helps. I can look at pictures of my phone of her standing in a particular place, but when I look with my own eyes there's nothing.

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I think I would have picked up on it sooner if it was planned... But 3 things make me wonder. Earlier in the week she said her parents wanted to get rid of her and I should take insurance out on her. Then she called early in the morning saying she's sorry for everything she's done to me, crying. And then when she left the room that night she went straight for the attic without hesitation.

Again though, she may have come back down. That would explain why nobody asked where she was from 930 to 11. She never had a minute to herself much less over an hour without anyone needing her. Her mother did say they had an argument about putting out the Easter stuff, but they weren't arguing when I was there, so maybe after.... But her mom had gone to bed already.

The trip was a dumb stupid idea. It all felt sad and hollow to me and I don't think I ever want to go back. I was able to lay a rose in every spot that was a special memory except one, and I took a little video of each one... But overall I feel more frustrated, sadder. I don't think I want to ever go back.

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I'm also starting to feel very angry. Mostly at her family. I've been cut out, left in the dark, with little hope of ever getting a clearer picture of what happened. The sister particularly angers me. I never thought I'd say this, but she actually removed herself as my "friend" on Facebook. So I guess there is mutual dislike. I think back to my meeting with her when she told me they were keeping my girlfriends favorite jacket to give to the oldest boy. It seemed fine. But now I feel like its not theirs to give away. I would have no problem giving it to my girlfriends son in a few years, when it would fit him. But the family doesn't know the story, they don't know why it was her favorite. They don't know why it has MY last name on it. I'm fairly certain I have a claim to it, the purchase is still in my account files from 2011.

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People live their whole lives preparing for what comes next for a God they've never seen. Why is it that you're suppose to live for the moment and not worry about what's next when it comes to a loving person that you actually knew?

People don't go around not worrying about religion because there's no way to know. They stick with what they believe and follow their hearts. Why do you think it should be different for the lost love of your life?

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I'm not going to use time as the answer

I don't think Caremal or anyone is saying it is "the answer." But, generally, it does help, which I think was caremal's point.
All time does is dull the senses, no different than going out and getting drunk tonight. It is not a real answer, not the one I'm looking for.

Wow no offense but I must disagree about 10,000%. Time does not "dull the senses" and is hardly the same as getting drunk. Time gives you the room you need to deal with this. You can't do it all at once. And again, it is not "the" answer. I'm afraid you'll be looking quite a long time if you think there is any one thing out there that is "the" answer. Time, family, friends, therapy, meds (either prescribed or in the way of drinking/etc), new love interests, new friends, new whatever else in your life.........all of those things can help, but none are going to solve your problem by themselves.

In fact I'd take that a step further and point out that it isn't really a "problem to solve" because your feelings for that person will never go away and so the pain of that loss never will either - so it is never "solved." But it doesn't have to wreck the rest of your life; it can be toned down, brought under control, become manageable.

Just my .02!

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It seems like I'm going to get in trouble on this thread no matter what so again excuse any offense taken pls and feel free to disregard any or everything I say:

One thing that everyone told me NOT to do, was question, and while I might agree somewhat with

I don't, and frankly I consider that terrible advice (another example of why people who haven't/aren't going through this should refrain from giving it IMO), if I undestand you correctly. Not question such a loss? How can you not?
I also think that finding answers is crucial. I would also be wrong not to say - dont ask questions you dont really want the answers to. What I mean is there are answers out there, to anything you ask. Answers that WILL satisfy you.
I disagree here too very much, sorry. Again how can you not question this, whether you want the answer(s) or not? Also I disagree that there are necessarily answers (again depending what the question is), or if there are, they may not satisfy one.
How far you pursue your answers is up to you. You have many questions, as we all do, and its important I think to ask them, and even find the answers to them. But its also important to remember that this is the life we have been dealt, and along with getting answers, we have to remember to live again too.
That I quite agree with :)
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I think I get what you're saying, sort of like taking some time to cool down after an argument? The difference being that those feelings won't ever go back to "normal" I guess.

I'm not saying I can't move on, I know I have no choice in the matter. The choice is in how to move on.

We don't know what happens after this life goes both ways. We also don't know if anything we do feel or believe has an effect or not. I just don't feel like I want to do anything to risk even the smallest % of being with her again the way I want to. I do wish I was old and cruising into the sunset, it'd be an easier choice then.

I know she would want me to live and love, have kids. But not at the cost of her being removed from the top spot in my heart. It all seems contradictory, but it's what I honestly believe. I know if the situation was reversed, she likely would marry and live for companionship, but not have any more kids since she had 4... So it's different. But she wouldn't let anyone take my place either.

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I'm also starting to feel very angry. Mostly at her family. I've been cut out, left in the dark, with little hope of ever getting a clearer picture of what happened. The sister particularly angers me. I never They don't know why it has MY last name on it. I'm fairly certain I have a claim to it, the purchase is still in my account files from 2011.

If you feel strongly enough about it (and it looks like there's not exactly any lost love between you and them anyway), take them to court. You can prove you paid for it, it has your name on it - they can claim you gave it to her but they have no proof, you can say she just borrowed it. Just a thought.

People live their whole lives preparing for what comes next for a God they've never seen. Why is it that you're suppose to live for the moment and not worry about what's next when it comes to a loving person that you actually knew?

People don't go around not worrying about religion because there's no way to know. They stick with what they believe and follow their hearts. Why do you think it should be different for the lost love of your life?

Afraid I'm not following you, but I would just point out that people have all diff kinds of beliefs and approaches to the afterlife, God etc...

Hang in there, remember this is still very recent for you and this does take a lot of time to deal with.....

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I think I get what you're saying, sort of like taking some time to cool down after an argument? The difference being that those feelings won't ever go back to "normal" I guess.

Yeah, kind of like that, that's the gist anyway.

We don't know what happens after this life goes both ways. We also don't know if anything we do feel or believe has an effect or not. I just don't feel like I want to do anything to risk even the smallest % of being with her again the way I want to.

I'm kinda thinking God has that all figured out. If you believe in Him and the afterlife, I don't get why you don't. You seem to assume Heaven is like Earth, just up in the clouds or something. To each their own but I quite disagree.

I know she would want me to live and love, have kids. But not at the cost of her being removed from the top spot in my heart.

So don't "remove" her. Just don't tell whoever else you get involved with. :)

Kidding. It's not an either/or and this is not a race or competition. There is room in one's heart to love more than one person to say the least.

Try this: instead of thinking of this as a vertical line like some kind of "chain of command," think of it as horizontal. Nobody "beats out" anybody else as it's apples and oranges.

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If you feel strongly enough about it (and it looks like there's not exactly any lost love between you and them anyway), take them to court. You can prove you paid for it, it has your name on it - they can claim you gave it to her but they have no proof, you can say she just borrowed it. Just a thought.

Afraid I'm not following you, but I would just point out that people have all diff kinds of beliefs and approaches to the afterlife, God etc...

Hang in there, remember this is still very recent for you and this does take a lot of time to deal with.....

Unfortunately they still have the only access to a ton of pictures I'd like. Unless I choose to go around them and get into her email another way, they are my only option. It also may not make sense to the kid about why I would take the jacket to give it back. They are masters of manipulation.

What I was trying to get at was more of an analogy. You see people follow and stay true to their religion, what they believe their wholes lives. Sort of "you need to do A, B, and C, to get into heaven". But when it comes to being with a lost loved one, the answer becomes "we'll you don't know what heaven is like, so just live this life". Could it not also be that if you do A, B, and C, that you could secure being a certain way in the afterlife, or do you have to "jump through hoops" just to get there and the rest is done for you?

I am trying to get as many different ideas and opinions as possible, like I said, I need to find one I can live with which ends with the best % of being with her again.

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Yeah, kind of like that, that's the gist anyway.

I'm kinda thinking God has that all figured out. If you believe in Him and the afterlife, I don't get why you don't. You seem to assume Heaven is like Earth, just up in the clouds or something. To each their own but I quite disagree.

So don't "remove" her. Just don't tell whoever else you get involved with. :)

Kidding. It's not an either/or and this is not a race or competition. There is room in one's heart to love more than one person to say the least.

Try this: instead of thinking of this as a vertical line like some kind of "chain of command," think of it as horizontal. Nobody "beats out" anybody else as it's apples and oranges.

I'm leaning towards the "personal paradise" view. But there are a couple issues. Mainly dealing with the idea of "True self".

For example, in 80 years if one of my girlfriends kids pass on, their personal paradise would be with their dad, and their mom (my girlfriend), plus whoever else. However the true version of who my girlfriend became, could not stand her ex husband. A version of her that got along with him, wouldn't be real. It'd be a shade or just a complete illusion.

In fact, my girlfriends personal paradise would have her family, me, and her friends. But not the ex. Not in the same manner the kid would want it to be anyway. Romantically.

So who gets the true self of her? Just one of many things bouncing around my head.

And for me, if I do find the apples and oranges love, it's a similar situation. I don't see there being 2 versions of myself, one from the time with my girlfriend and one from the time with the new love. The more it gets split up, the more we lose the identity of who we actually are, what makes us individual. And if we aren't ourselves in heaven, what's the point?

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Ken I'm sorry but I give up. I know you're a good person and trying to do what's right but if you want to live the rest of your life alone because of these "heavenly scenarios" you're dreaming up and/or paranoid about and not trust that God will have it all worked out in the end, go for it. But if so, I think one day as a lonely old man you will look back at your lonely life and curse yourself for doing so. Good luck though.

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Ken I'm sorry but I give up. I know you're a good person and trying to do what's right but if you want to live the rest of your life alone because of these "heavenly scenarios" you're dreaming up and/or paranoid about and not trust that God will have it all worked out in the end, go for it. But if so, I think one day as a lonely old man you will look back at your lonely life and curse yourself for doing so. Good luck though.

I appreciate the feedback honestly. I don't expect to be "fixed" by anyone on here. Just to listen and provide some thought is all I ask,

What I wa trying to say earlier is about the whole idea that God would have it all worked out.

We don't go through life living all wild and crazy, doing things on a whim. Why? Because we believe our actions in the life affect how we end up in the afterlife (ie heaven vs hell for some).

Is it such a stretch to also wonder if our actions in life can affect how we end up in an afterlife with certain loved ones or not? I don't see it as that big of a leap.

Loneliness is also a relative term. I'm sure there are plenty of loveless couples out there, especially at older ages who are only together for companionship.

"The things that we love tell us what we are" - Thomas Aquinas

Who am I to be anyone other than who I am?

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It's been almost a month now and it's already felt like a lifetime. I don't know how I can do this.

It's not right, she was supposed to be my future.

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Actually, I just realized I'm going to be hitting the 1 month mark, her birthday, and Mother's Day all within a 2 week stretch. Any suggestions on how to handle this? I'm not sure I can simply find something else to do.

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They are seeking sole custody except weekends. But...

Breaking news

I left work today because I couldn't think straight after this. The manipulative ex called. He's trying to get me to be on his side as a character witness obviously. But in doing so, he's given me much more information that the family has kept from me.

First thing he said was sorry about the funeral, how he fought for me to be a pall bearer but the family said no. I hadn't mentioned that bothered me so there may be truth in it.

He also said the death certificate (he got a copy) listed suicide as her cause of death. He doesn't believe it either. The tidbits of info he picked up from staying with the family after the funeral mesh very well with my theories. The parents know much more than they are letting on.

He said they mentioned an argument, but there wasn't one when I was there. A few other things to that may or may not be true, like the family talking bad about me, not really putting my letter with her. Stuff like that. I halfway believe the letter thing. The sister is not nice.

Anyway, one small step forward, 500 back.

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Actually, I just realized I'm going to be hitting the 1 month mark, her birthday, and Mother's Day all within a 2 week stretch. Any suggestions on how to handle this? I'm not sure I can simply find something else to do.

make plans on ALL special days... go do something special.

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make plans on ALL special days... go do something special.

I'm not sure this is possible. I got swamped with a load of new information. That one side has been keeping from me. Why would they not tell me it was listed as a suicide? Why would they be keeping all this from me in the first place?

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Both sides are manipulative, cruel people.

The grandparents claim they have been raising the kids for 3 years now due to the inept ability of my girlfriend. Or at least that's how the ex put it. More likely its they've been helping them out and providing a home while the father hasn't helped at all.

I don't want to get involved. The grandparents control my interests since they have her cameras and other things I'm interested in, but the ex husband has been 1000x more forthcoming with information.

My instincts tell me this is my one chance to find bits of truth. I can confront the grandparents ( my girlfriends mother called from her office yesterday but left no message, so maybe she's trying to circumvent her husband).

I would tell them the kids father told me about it being listed as suicide and I'd like to know why that was kept from me, and that I felt left out and hurt regarding the funeral and I've been trying to make sense of it all. I'd ask them if I had done something for them to see me in a negative light.

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Tomorrow, May 1 is her birthday, wish me luck. I'll also finally be getting my hands on a police report.

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Good luck Ken. Try and stay busy. I think I am doing ok and then as soon as I am alone, everything starts to come apart.

Let us know about the police report

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