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spring reminds me of dad


ernurse99

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What a beautiful day here in ontario , canada!!! i cant help to feel sad!? for such a beautiful day i should feel cheerful and hopeful, but i actually feel sad! my dad died suddenly on the morning of dec 2 2007, and he was a TRUE FARMER! the spring just makes me realize that dad would be preparing the machinery and working around the farm, he lived for days like today! I know that where ever he is, he is appreciating this day! i miss him so much... for the first 3 months i could hardly leave the farm and return to my own house for i felt much closer to him there! but now i dread going out to the farm and find myself staying away longer? i see him everywhere when i am there and now it is so painful for me to be there and my mom just doesnt understand! see she is now byherself on the big farm and for the first 3 months i lived with her.  I MISS MY DAD so much... is this normal to feel like i am going backwards in the healing process not forward?

missing dads smile!

sarah

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sadbeyondwords

Sarah,

I Know EXACTLY how you feel. I think my sadness is worsening and becoming more overwheliming in the past week because the days are become brighter and more beautiful-and these spring days are the ones my mother loved. We would get dressed early and spend the whole day out-her with her cute little black sweater and sun visor- Then we would come back and barbeque some hamburgers and she would say "what a fun day I had with you, my little baby" It is incredibly depressing to think that I will no longer share this with her. It pains me to have this weather. Everyone around me today said,  "Oh what a beautiful day it is outside" and it really killed me. I just dont feel that way.  It is not beautiful if I cannot enjoy the weather with my mom.  I definitely feel I am going backwards in my grieving process-not only backwards but so much worse. Is this how it is always going to be? I will never be able to enjoy summer or spring. Winter also is horrible becuase she was admitted to the hospital at the end of December 2007 and died feb 2008. So all of the holidays and new years will always be horribile as well as my birthday-the day she was intubated. So every season, every birthday will be bad. And then there are really no good days. She was admitted to the hospital and  intubated on a friday so I hate every  friday, she had been doing well and things went bad again on a saturday, she died on a tuesday so that day of the week will always suck forever, we picked out her casket on a wednesday, she was buried on a thursday. so pretty much every day is bad and has bad feelings associated with it. I cant believe this is my new life. Gosh, I cant believe another spring has rolled around- where did the time go-it was great last spring-and that was the last spring and summer that will ever have beautifful memories for me.  I miss you mommy so much. I love you so dearly. I am dying without you. I love you.  I need you. I desparately want to be with you again

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stephysteph13

sadbeyondwords,

i replyed to you in another forum dont know if you seen it. but i want u to know im here for u. tell  me some things about your story and feelings if you want to talk. i completely understand and will be here to talk if u need to. i lost my mom (it will be two years in sept) and it sucks majorly!

steph

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Sarah--the title of your msg just brought me to you!  My dad loved the springtime, he was an active gardener and loved the outdoors.  Now that the smell of grass is in the air, green buds are showing up on trees and the garden centers are buzzing, I miss my dad more than ever. 

Tomorrow marks one year from the last time I saw my dad alive and was able to give him a kiss and hug and have it returned--along with a mutual I love you.

I have decided to go to his gravesite with a single rose and sit and enjoy the fresh air, just as I did those many times I shared a park bench with him while he took a break from his many hours of yard work--

I wish you the opportunity to find peace in the springtime. It isn't easy, I am not going to lie to you, but as the sun shines, as the birds chirp and as the world wakes up from a wintery nap, I look to the skies and something tells me he's here with me....

 

[user=19050]ernurse99[/user] wrote:

What a beautiful day here in ontario , canada!!! i cant help to feel sad!? for such a beautiful day i should feel cheerful and hopeful, but i actually feel sad! my dad died suddenly on the morning of dec 2 2007, and he was a TRUE FARMER! the spring just makes me realize that dad would be preparing the machinery and working around the farm, he lived for days like today! I know that where ever he is, he is appreciating this day! i miss him so much... for the first 3 months i could hardly leave the farm and return to my own house for i felt much closer to him there! but now i dread going out to the farm and find myself staying away longer? i see him everywhere when i am there and now it is so painful for me to be there and my mom just doesnt understand! see she is now byherself on the big farm and for the first 3 months i lived with her.  I MISS MY DAD so much... is this normal to feel like i am going backwards in the healing process not forward?

missing dads smile!

sarah

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its amazing what the spring does, my brothers and I gave my mom a dog wood about 11 yrs ago and she loved it. every spring when the pink flowers bloomed on the tree she would get so excited and always say "did you see my tree, its so beautiful". yesterday was exactly 2months since she past. this will be the 1st spring with out her seeing those beautiful flowers bloom. When my 2 yr old son goes down for his nap, I get so sad its gets to quiet and I find my self in thought. I think of how around 3pm I would call her to see how work was, and have our daily chat. On tues and thurs. she would drive up to my house and sleep over so she could be with her grand son. My mom was too young to pass she was only 60 and I'm only 29 sooo... this is rough. I keep picutres of her everywhere and still feel so depressed. I would love to be able to take a walk with her, its beautiful in new york today, so sunny and no humidity. this is her type of day. i wish my father and I were closer but its not a good relationship my brothers and I are not close either. I spent my whole life being so attached to my mom that I kinda realized that I did not bother bonding with other people in my family. when my mom past things with my family just got so much worse, none of us have spoken since my moms funeral. its tough to do this and be alone as well. I do feel grateful for a great husband and an angel for a son. My mom will be his guardian angel 4 ever.

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