Missing my Sister

[MissingSister]

I am still struggling with the death on my younger sister. On October 17th about 8 pm, I received a call from my son telling me that my sister "was gone". Given that she was trying to separate from her husband, I asked him what he meant and where did she go? He sounded very strange, like he had been crying and simply said, "No Mom, she's gone, died." I screamed at him to quit playing around and tell me what happened and all he could do on the phone was cry and say that she was gone. He told me what hospital she was at and I remember telling him that I was on my way. I really don't remember the drive much, but I remember crying the whole way there and screaming that it just couldn't be true. I remember hoping that I would get to the hospital and find her okay. When I got there, I knew that this wasn't going to go well because they took me to a "family room" and told me to wait for the nurse. When the nurse came in, she sat very close to me and explained that my sister had died as a result of hanging. She had commited suicide!!! I couldn't believe it. She could never have done that. I wanted to see her. I demanded to see her. The nurse said that she would take me to her, but to be prepared because her colour would not be normal. I didn't care. I had to make sure that they weren't talking about someone else. I just couldn't accept it that my sister would kill herself and leave her family in this manner. I held her hand for what seemed like hours. stroking her hair and telling her that I would make her husband pay for what he had done to her. She had been trying so long to get him out of her life and I felt horrible that this was the way she felt was her only way to get him out for good. I was very angry and upset. I was angry with myself for not being there for her when she needed me the most.

She is 4 years younger than me and admittedly had a much harder life than I did. She married a drug addict in the hopes of "saving" him. She didn't, instead he made her into an addict. Over the years he had created a rife between her and the rest of our family, but in the past year or so, she realized that she was not going to "save" him and he was only dragging her down and was trying to get out. The drugs and alchohol took their toll but she was trying. She was still close to my son, and the rest of the family got most of their news of her through him. For that we were grateful. Because she was a proud and stubborn woman, she refused to ask us for help, but we did let it be known through my son that we were there to help if she needed it. We just didn't want to push her away further by forcing her to do something she wasn't ready for.

Now, I wish I had forced things. The guilt I feel for not stepping in sooner weighs heavy on my mind. I cry all the time and I struggle with the "what if's". That is the existence of my life right now...what if?

[ModKonnie]

I am very sorry about the loss of your sister. We all dwell on the "what ifs...." but they are not good for us. In the case of addiction, even had you pushed, there is simply no way of knowing how that could have turned out. This is not your fault, and your sister's decision to end her life was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You let her know you were there if she needed you, which was the right thing to do. Addiction is a terrible disease, and it is hard to understand how it can severely impact a person's life; however, you can't make a person change. I deal with addiction on a daily basis at a women's prison. Believe me, it is a tough, tough disease. Perhaps you can join a grief and loss group and/or go to a professional for some tips on how to process all of this. In the meantime, writing it down, talking about it here, and listening to others' share their similar stories may help you. We will be here for you--ModKonnie

[changeandlosscoach]

I cannot tell you I understand about losing a sibling especially a sister. That is one of the areas I have not experienced, but can relate to deep loss and guilt for I have had other experiences that have literally put me out of commission for some time. You can wish all you want and feel guilt for the things you didn't do while she was here. Before her death and after her death are two completely different states of mind. I specialize in change and loss and realize that although our lives have felt an incredible hurt/loss we cannot forget we have a job to do here while we live. I'd love to work with you.

[dsmurph]

Missingsister, I understand your pain as our daughter took her life too. The what ifs are with me and my husband constantly. I think they will always be there. I want to suggest a good author to you. Her name is Elisabeth Kubler- Ross. She has written several books. the one I am reading now is Death Is of Vital Importance----On Life, Death, and Life after Death. I cannot undo what is done so I try to learn as much as I can about where my baby is. It and Our Father are what keep me sane. It helps me. Possibly this book may help you too. My prayers go out to you and your family. dsmurph

[diana1z55]

Hello. My brother took his life on Dec 30th 2012. Unless you have been through it, people don't understand the hurt that is left behind. The questions, the what ifs!!! I know what you are going through. My thoughts are with you!

[MissingSister]

Thank you so much for your responses. In my head, I understand everything that you are all saying. Logically, I know that there was not a thing I could have done. I also feel that if I had pushed her and forced my help on her, I could have potentially pushed her away completely. She was already so angry with me and her final words on earth were full of anger and hurt and she lashed out at everyone in her final letters. I still struggle with the feelings of guilt and the hurt emotionally. Those are harder to let go even though the logical part of me knows I had no control over her choices. I still cry all the time. I know that the feelings of hurt will not lessen but with time I will come to terms with it and learn to deal with those feelings but right now it is still so hard. Luckily, I talk to my Mom a lot (it helps her too) and she has been talking to Victim Services and it helps. We still cry together but we both know that we could not change things. My sister's husband tried a couple of times to harass us but after not getting any response from us, he has left us alone. We had heard through the grapevine that he ended up in the hospital because he tried to commit suicide and failed. We both had wished he had succeeded and I feel guilty for feeling that way, but both my Mom and I blame him for my sister choosing this drastic way out.