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Dealing with this loss is making me a bad mom


bethabee7

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One month ago today I lost my daddy. He was the most amazing man, an award winning teacher, a devout christian, and the kind of father who would do anything for his girls. My heart aches. Everytime something exciting happens, I want to pick up the phone to call him, and then I realize he won't be there to answer. October 11, 2011 our whole world was turned upside down. I spoke to him on the phone that morning. He was completely fine. He asked me to stop by their house to check on my mom who had a procedure done that morning. I had classes that day, and that night at 11 o'clock I got a frantic call from my mom saying that they had just taken my father away in an ambulance, that he had had a seizure. He was in a medically induced coma in the ICU for 3 days. An MRI showed a mass, but they told us there was a good chance it was just a benign growth that was causing pressure that caused the seizures. They were wrong. The initial tests after surgery showed that the tumor was cancerous. The surgeon suggested we avoid telling him for a couple days, so that he could recover without the stress of that diagnosis. He didn't have to ask... he could see it on our faces. There were ups and downs over the next 18 months. Broken hearts over treatments that didn't stop the regrowth, and high hopes over a second surgery and specialist at St. Lukes in Kansas City. Seeing my father cope with losing his independence was probably the hardest part for me. He was always the one we relied on, and I hated that he felt useless. My part of the story got more complicated a little less than a year ago. I had been in a less than positive on again, off again relationship for almost a year at that point. I always had a feeling that my parents were less than fond of him, but they were not the type to force their opinions on their children. I think my dad believed it was best to let us learn from our own mistakes. Boy did I learn. In December, I became a single mom of a beautiful little boy. When I told them that I was pregnant last spring, I was terrified. I hated the idea of disappointing my father. But the angry disappointment that I expected never came. Their reaction was completely supportive and loving. My mom pointed out that it would be nice to have a more positive reason to visit the hospital. My father only held him a handful of times. By the time Mason was born, he had lost a lot of strength and I think he was afraid of dropping him, but on good days, he was more than happy to volunteer :) We even got a few pictures of them together. In early January, my father made the decision to go on home hospice care. Things steadily got worse after that. Eventually he was completely confined to a hospital bed in the living room of thier house. My mother slept on the couch next to him for a month so he would never wake up alone and scared. Seeing him deteriorate was the most painful experience I have ever had. Now that he is gone, I would love to just curl up in a ball and cry. I feel like I haven't really had a chance to grieve. Mason needs me all the time. His father is no help, and I feel like I can't ask my mom or sister to help because they are grieving themselves. My mom is trying to straighten out insurance and paperwork. My sister has her own boys and husband to take care of. I'm so tired, and sometimes I feel angry and frustrated with him because he needs me so much. Then I realize how selfish I'm being, and it makes me feel like an awful mom. I feel like I don't do enough. I try and try, but I feel like I'm drowning. He deserves so much better. I should be happy. I love him so much. I feel like I can't enjoy my baby, and I don't know what to do.

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Lostwithoutmum

Bethabee, I just want to say I am very sorry for your loss. It's incredibly hard to lose a parent so unexpectedly and quickly..the worst experience ever..especially if this parent is the rock in your life.

It is hard but try and look after your own well-being in order for you to be able to give your little boy the attention he requires x I know it is easier said than done but try your best to get some sleep, eat regularly, vent to close friends and family, just find an outlet for your grief.

I hope you get the support you need.

x

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Bethabee,

I know how you feel. I have a lil guy of my own who is 4. I lost my mom 5 weeks ago Weds. I took care of her for the past few months before her passing and it was a 24 hr job. All at the same time as caring for my lil man. I went from being a full time Mommy who went completely by the books, scheduled everything from meals, playtime, reading and schooling, to doing the bare minimum to get by taking care of them both alone. Now that she is gone you would think that I would go back to my old schedules but i seem like I cant. I try to make time for playing and reading but i, like you, just want to curl up and cry all day. I feel horrible that im not being the mommy he deserves and needs. I make the effort and try to get outside to play as much as i can but its hard. All I can say is I make myself get back to the old way one step at a time. Ive learned that its not going to happen overnight but as long as your making an effort thats all that matters. He is my reason to get up everymorning and my reason to smile even tho my heart is broken. He is my new strength. I know how hard it is but take your time to grieve but dont forget to smile for him.

All tthe best to you.XOXO

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