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still missing my mum


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Sorry for the grammar mistakes but English is not my native language …

I am 23 years old and I lost my mum when I was 10. She had cancer and from the day she got the diagnosis until the day she died, it took only 4 ½ months because she had such an aggressive type of cancer which spread to her kidneys, lungs etc…It’s been a bit more than 12 years since she passed away but I still miss her so much and I think of her every day. I have had some counseling and also attended a mourning group but I am still far away from getting over it and accepting her death. Sometimes it hurts so much that I don’t know if I can still bear it. I just miss her in my daily life. I am envious of my friends and fellow students who all seem to have a perfect (and complete) family. I hate it when I overhear conversations about parents who come to visit their kids and send them care packages before exams. I wish I had a mum who would call me and come to visit me or spoil me a little when I come home during holidays. It’s mainly the little things I miss and which already make me cry but I don’t even want to start thinking of all the bigger events where I would need her and will definitely miss her like graduating from college, marriage or becoming a mom.

I guess that at the moment I miss her even more, because I am struggling with my life a lot. I will theoretically graduate in September but I am so scared that I will not manage to write my thesis and that I will not pass the last three courses. Furthermore, I have no idea of what I should do after graduating. I have spent the last three years studying politics but I can’t envision myself anymore to work in the political area. I am simply not like my fellow students who are all overly ambitious and whose biggest dream is to work for the UN / the EU and who will surely achieve their goals. I don’t see myself there - neither at the UN/EU nor at another political organization / NGO or whatever. Politics has always been my favourite subject in school and one of my greatest interests but after three years of university, I don’t think it is where I belong. The thing is I don’t have a plan B – I suck at most other stuff (natural sciences, maths etc.) and don’t have a clue of what I could do instead. Sorry, all this stuff doesn’t belong here – but I feel so lost at the moment which makes me miss my mom even more. I just want her to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay and that she is proud of me no matter what happens and no matter what I do and that she would still love me even if I dropped out of uni. And knowing that I don't have a mum who can still hug me and tell me all the stuff a mum would tell her child, makes my heart and my head ache.

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I am so very sorry about your loss of your mom. You are definitely struggling through alot right now. As far as school goes, you will get your thesis written--you will just have to take it step by step. Do you have your topic or any of your research started? Do you have any idea what it is going to be?

As far as careers--yours will fall into place. So you don't want to work at the UN. Perhaps something more local--like teaching civics to grade schoolers or local politics might be up your line.

Just keep your eyes open and go with the flow. Plan B may shape up later on. Perhaps you should be an intern somewhere for the summer? Or what about next fall?

Do you have an aunt or sister? What about a favorite teacher or a good advisor? While no one will never take your mother's place, they may be able to help you solve some of your immediate problems.

Perhaps, too, you should consider going to a counselor to talk about the loss of your mother.

No matter what, we will be here for you.


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