Members sadbeyondwords Posted April 12, 2008 Members Report Share Posted April 12, 2008 The weekend begins. I again woke suddenly at 3 am in a panic. My mommy is gone. What am I going to do with myself today, tomorrow and the rest of my life without her. I get sick to my stomach thinking about this. I am only existing now- I am off from work this weekend but I cant plan anything, do anything because, well what is the point. I get scared leaving the house-i feel uncomfortable for some reason all the time- like life around scares me, doing anything scares me. I dont care about anything- I cant stop thinking about my mom every single minute. The only thing I can do is eat crunchy things to try to distract my mind from thinking about her momentarily. My chest hurts so much-the weight of this grief is really really hurting me physically-I feel breathless all the time. I know my mom is supposed to be here now with me. She wasnt supposed to die. It does not seem possible. I cant get stop thinking about her taking her last breath. How did this vivacious healhty woman die. I am angry at the entire medical fiedl for causing this-errors caused her death and I cant at all fathom that my mother is a statistic. It was not supposed to be like this. She is supposed to be here with me. We are supposed to be eating breakfast together- she loved when I made her eggs; we are supposed to be getting dressed to go out together for a long walk where we just discuss everything and anything. So peaceful, so calming, so incredible. We are supposed to barbeque together and eat juicy hamburgers in the warm weather. We are supposed to go the summer feasts together. She is supposed to teach me how to make another one of her favorite dishes. She needs to tell me more stories of her life. She is supposed to be here. I cant believe it is over. How can this be. She was so heathy. People do not die like this. She was too young. Everyone in the obituaries dies in their 80's and 90's. There are so many old people walking around-why did they make it and not my mom. She was the best. It is wrong. I cant move. I cant move from this one spot. I am so horribly depressed. I cant move. I cant do anything. It is more depressing now-the warm weather is here-we spent all day out in the warm weather; leave early in the am and wouldnt come back till 8-9 pm. She would say "I had fun, what a great day" and she would hug me. She was so unbelievably cute, so tiny. Oh I cant take the pain. This is not supposed to happen to her, me and my family. It is so wrong. I am so angry. She was supposed to be with me for years and years. She was so healthy. I cant go on-I cant go out. I sit her barely moving and feeling out of breath thinking about my life without her. It is almost 9 weeks and the pain is more and more searing every single day and every moment. Oh i cant take this pain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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