May not be parents, but feels like it

[wishingiwasinvisable]

On Sept 21 2012, I lost my grandfather who was the only father figure I've ever had. He had been sick with dementia for a few years and had to be put into a nursing home for the last month of his life. He was declining fast, but his death came very fast. On Sept 23 2012, I lost my grandmother. My mother and I found her in their home passed away. They were married almost 70 years and she spent her life taking care of him. She wasted away to about nothing as she wasn't taking care of herself anymore. Her body just gave out when she didn't have to worry about him anymore. They were not my actual parents, but they helped my mother raise me and I feel I was treated like one of their children. I know my pain is not the same as my mother and her brothers but it's also not the same as my cousins. I feel like no one understands.

Ever since they passed, my anxiety with life as a whole has gotten unbearable. Went through the insomnia, still have some issues with it, fluctuate between not eating and eating constantly. I feel like I can't function in life. Don't want to leave the house. Haven't been able to work. I don't want people to see me, look at me, acknowledge me, talk to me. It makes everything too real and unmanageable. I want to disappear.

Mainly, I just want to know if this sounds like a symptom of grief or if it could be something more. Medications don't help. Therapy doesn't seem to be helping. I lost my aunt and godmother almost 9 years ago and don't feel I've ever grieved her. I guess I just feel so alone that I'd rather be alone.

[kaycee42]

Hi there,

Have you talked to your Doctor, I mean really talked to your Doctor. My Dad passed at about the same time and though I am still sad and want to cry at times, I am back at work and fully functioning so to speak. But I do still have break down days mainly when I am not at work. Anxiety can be difficult to overcome without help, so please talk to your Doctor. sending you hugs

[wishingiwasinvisable]

First off, thanks for the hugs sent

I'm lucky enough to have the same general practitioner that my grandparents had so he understands the situation. I have talked with him many times, calls where I'm breaking down. He got me into see a therapist that works with a psychiatrist so they can try new meds with me as my gp kind of ran out of ideas on that front. The therapist thinks its pretty much that I don't know myself without my grandparents. And I don't. It's so much easier to just be invisible to people than to exist and have to deal with the realness. Add in irrational guilt, feelings of selfishness, and the anger that yes, I can be this messed up from JUST my grandparents dying.

[kaycee42]

I do feel for you, my 13 years old daughter has some difficulties with the grieving for my parents, so to an extent I can understand.

You know it does not matter what a persons title is, it is your relationship that counts, you were close to your grandfather, just as my children were close to theirs. I do hope that you can find your way to grieve and allow yourself a life. As a mother I would hate to think that my children would suffer as much as you are. take care of yourself hugs.

[wishingiwasinvisable]

That is another source of guilt, that how I'm feeling is affecting my mother as well. She is dealing with her grief and worrying about me as well. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I wish I could just turn it all off and just go about my life. I feel like I've lost myself and I don't know if, when, or how to get it back. So many others have gone through so much more and so much worse and I feel weak for not being able to handle this. I can't handle much now, if anything else happens I don't know how I'll not lose my mind.

[kaycee42]

I really wish I had some wise words for you that would help but I really do not. My eldest daughter is 25 and really struggles with her emotions with regard to her grandparents. All I find myself doing is giving her big tight hugs and listening, so I am sending you a big crushing hug. Please do not feel guilty about your Mum, it is what we do, we care, we nag and we worry it is in the job description. You obviously feel things very deeply the same as my eldest, there is no changing that. Give yourself more time and be a little kinder to yourself you are human and it does not matter what other peoples experiences are and how they are coping we are all different. Take care (((((((((())))))))))