I despise cancer

[kevinsgirl]

Let me tell you my story...

Kevin and I met online in October of 2008. It wasn't long before we met in person. We hit it off right away. About 6 months later he was moving in with me. We were so happy and did everything together. We really truly were best friends.

In April of 2011 he was disagnosed with an advanced stage of testicular cancer. Our world came crumbling down. He did MANY rounds of chemo and a few surgeries. Just when we'd get our hopes up, something else would go wrong. Long story short, his body became tolerant to the chemo. He tried one more chemo for a few months but all it did was beat up his body even more than it already was. We found out at the beginning of February that he wouldn't make it. The doctors wouldn't give us a time frame of how long he had left to live but would only say "It's moving fast". I was guessing 2-3 months, he guessed less. He was right.

This last month was a whirlwind. His parents wanted time with him, I wanted time with him, and he wanted to have radiation for pain management. At this point his cancer was all over in his lungs, his leg - in the bone, his liver, and some were actually popping up on his head. It was horrible to see. He told me and his parents that he wanted at least the weekends with me. I got a couple but he'd be gone all week with his parents for radiation. I hardly saw him in the last month. Maybe 7 days total.

He got ready one morning to go back for more radiation and never came back home because they determined he needed immediate hospice care 24/7. We had already decided that he'd go back home to his parents once he needed hospice care. That day was horrible for me. I tried to understand how he'd never be returning home again. It was awful.

I saw him that weekend and he was doing fairly well. But he could hardly stand anymore and couldn't walk. He was wasting away in front of our eyes.

By the next weekend, Kevin was basically gone. I don't know if he was already starting to die or if his meds were to blame but he was so confused. Didn't know what was going on and wasn't making any sense when he talked. He slept so much. When I hugged him goodbye that weekend, I had a thought enter my head that it would be the last time I hug him. It was.

The next day his mom called me at home, saying he was confused, didn't remember that I had left and thought I was never coming back. I had planned on coming back that next weekend. I got on the phone with him and he was bawling. He was so upset that he'd never see me again. I got him calmed down and tried to help him understand what day it was. I said I loved him at the end of the conversation but he didn't say it back. That haunts me.

Wednesday morning his mom called to tell me he passed. We somehow both knew we weren't going to see each other again.

I just don't know how to process all of this. All of his things are still here so it seems like he'll be coming back home again.

I miss him so much and I don't know how I'll move forward without him. He was my everything and my best friend.

I feel such incredible guilt for not being with him when he passed. I keep trying to tell myself that I didn't know when it would happen, that I had to work, that I had my cats to take care of, and a huge snow storm had blown through around that time too so I couldn't go anywhere. The guilt is there regardless.

I feel so bad for everything he had to endure the last two years of his life - just to get to this point. It doesn't make sense to me. He was such a wonderful man and didn't deserve any of this. My heart breaks over and over because I miss him so much and because I feel bad for his last years. He was only 34.

He told me if there was any way he could come back to me, he would. He'd hang out in the house with me. But I don't feel him. I've had a few weird things happen but they could just be coincidence. Maybe my brain is trying too hard to find something that it's making something out of nothing.

I find myself hating happy people - especially happy couples. All Kevin and I wanted was to be happy, to grow old together, to get married - that's all. Totally simple.

I just don't understand any of this.

[kathyl]

I'm sorry for your loss ((hugs)) My Jeremy was only 33, and whether or not they dealt with a disease that shortened their life, it doesn't seem fair at all.

My sister told me, when a few strange things happened to me, that if it made me feel better, then take it as a sign. We will never know for sure whether or not these things are signs or not.

I'm sorry I do not have much to say except that I am glad you are here. It definitely helps to talk to people who do understand.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry kg. I lost my beloved to cancer as well. Much of what you said I could relate to - the anger, the guilt, etc. I wish I had some magic answer for you but the truth is it's a rocky road we have to get down one step at a time. You can do it - but Lord is it hard and takes time. Any venting/etc you want to do here, pls do, and hope it helps. Also browse the other posts, you may find things there you can relate to or thoughts or ideas that might help.

[kevinsgirl]

I'm struggling with a lot of thoughts and feelings because of his death.

One of them is how I wasn't there when he passed. I feel so bad that I wasn't with him. I'm beating myself up over this even though there's nothing that can be done about it at this point. I screwed up. I know I didn't know when he'd pass, I know I had to work, I know that snow storm was part of the problem - but in my mind, all I can see is that I wasn't there. I'm sure he wanted me there. I'm sure he was missing me like crazy. I hate this.

The other thing, and I know I'm getting ahead of myself with this but I can't control my thoughts, is Christmas. Kevin LOVED Christmas. The decorating got more and more out of control with each year - this last one included. Looking back, it's like it was the grand finale. I remember on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, thinking this would be our last one together. And they ended up being the best that we had. But how will I survive this Christmas? How will I be able to decorate without him here? There won't be any gifts under the tree for me or for him. We filled stockings for each other as well, that won't happen. We'd make Christmas cookies together, that won't happen. How do people get through this crap?

[widower2]

I know it's a dumb cliche kg, but it's true - a day at a time an hour at a time sometimes. I'm sorry. I hate the unfairness of these things so much, not just for you or I but pretty much anyone who has to go through it.

[kathyl]

The other thing, and I know I'm getting ahead of myself with this but I can't control my thoughts, is Christmas. Kevin LOVED Christmas. The decorating got more and more out of control with each year - this last one included. Looking back, it's like it was the grand finale. I remember on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, thinking this would be our last one together. And they ended up being the best that we had. But how will I survive this Christmas? How will I be able to decorate without him here? There won't be any gifts under the tree for me or for him. We filled stockings for each other as well, that won't happen. We'd make Christmas cookies together, that won't happen. How do people get through this crap?

The first of everything is hard....really really hard. I don't have family here, so I basically wanted to hide when it came time for Thanksgiving. I had attended a support group for handling the holidays, which helped, and bought myself a t-shirt that said "BAH HUMBUG" which is exactly how I felt about the holidays last year. I had a few work events that I was "required" to attend, so I wore my BAH HUMBUG shirt - everyone knew why I felt that way and knew that I didn't want to be there, but didn't have time to take those days off either.

I pulled out our tiny tabletop tree, and a friend of mine took it out of its bag (otherwise that might not have happened), and it got "decorated" with a picture of my Jeremy at the top, and the remembrance ornament I bought for him. The remembrance ornament was suggested at the grief group I attended. I explained to the group that my Mom had done that the year my oldest brother died. Of course it made me cry every time I pulled it out for a long time, but it was just a couple of years ago that I realized that I was able to pull out the special ornament for my brother and smile as I put it on the tree. So, I bought an ornament to remember Jeremy. That was it....the picture and ornament was all I could do, and even that was hard. I called it my %#@! Christmas tree. Thankfully I spent Christmas with my family, but I won't lie - everything was difficult.

I drove back here on New Year's Eve, had another good cry, and went to bed before midnight. New Year's was the only holiday that Jeremy and I always spent together (we also met online...in 1997, and I didn't move here until 2010 so we had many different holidays that we had to spend apart), so I was almost relieved when January 2nd arrived. I knew I had survived the first set of holidays without Jeremy.

Unfortunately it is all about time. One event, one holiday, one day at work, one hour, one moment. ((hugs))

[kevinsgirl]

I am not a patient person so this whole minute by minute, hour by hour thing is just irritating me. I just want the emotions to pour out and then be tolerable. But I don't feel much better yet. I feel like I go a few sets forward and then a few back - like I'm not really getting anywhere.

Kevin's cat, Tiger, has been sitting at the window, staring at where Kevin used to park his car. It's breaking my heart. I wish he'd quit doing it. I also find him laying on Kevin's bed a lot. Poor little guy. I just give him extra love when I find him in those spots.

Right now I'm livid. But I'm trying to keep myself under control to avoid a big fight with his mother. Grrr that woman.

When we first started dating, I didn't like her from the beginning but sometimes my initial reaction is wrong. Not for her. She used to stare at me, she'd ignore me when we'd visit (how awkward is that - she won't speak to me but she just sits there and stares....), and I'd have to hear every time about how she wanted Kevin to come back home. Kevin made the decision to move in with me. I still remember my reaction when he told me because I wasn't very thrilled with the idea, so that's all on him. But I always felt that she viewed me as competition - someone who stole her baby away from her. Kevin could never see it, always made excuses.

I'm not sure how many of you know of the Caring Bridge website. His mom started a page for him in October of last year - after this had been going on for a year and a half. I didn't have the time or patience to do it myself so she ended up doing it. However, the theme of it sickened me. It was all about what his parents did for him - which was only because I wasn't able to help him at that point. It was like they swooped in and saved their baby - totally ignoring everything that I had ever done for him. But I never said anything to them, just let it go. I still have never mentioned anything to his parents. But as time went on and we got down to this last month, it was becoming increasingly irritating. One of the posts made it sound like when they picked him up for radiation they found him in this horrible state - like I had let him get that bad. So they had to come save him from me. It was just annoying!!!

Then came the post about him passing. She babbled on for awhile and signed it from his dad, her, his sister, "and family". I guess I'm "and family"???? A friend of mine saw it and posted on the site about how that was rude that I wasn't mentioned. I agreed with him but I was keeping my mouth shut about the whole thing!! He said he understood they lost a son but I had been by his side for two years through this, whereas they weren't, and I went through H-E- double hockey sticks just as he did and I wasn't even mentioned. Well she got mad at my friend and sent him an email on facebook. Now this is where I got livid. She told him that I'm still young and my life will go on, but she carried Kevin in her tummy for 9 months. Are you kidding me? Did she just brush off our whole relationship like it was nothing because she did what every other mother does? I understand losing a child must be a horrific thing, but how DARE you act like my relationship with Kevin was some fly by night thing.

Right now it's taking a lot of self control to not get in my vehicle and drive the two hours to their house just to smack that woman. Who is she to act like her pain is worse than mine? It's different but you can't say mine is any less! So what if my life will go on? Is there proof that I'll find someone like him again? And nobody can replace Kevin. NOBODY! I just can't believe she said that.

I need to get his cell phone from them and they owe me money from an account of his. I tell you what, that crap better get settled and once it is, I'm done! I do not need people like that in my life.

Ok, end of rant.

[widower2]

kg very sorry to hear about all the "extra" things you had to deal with (and still are in one way or other) as if the loss wasn't enough. I didn't have a nasty mother in law, but really bad problems with her family in other ways that exasperated me beyond words too.

As you say, it's pointless to try and compare the hurt of her/their loss to yours; it's apples and oranges. But for her/them to fail to respect that or even try is utterly inexcusable. No point in elaborating on how crass and utterly devoid of rational thought (if any) the "you're still young" bit is as it's obvious, I think; ditto the rest of her remarks from the sounds of it. (PS the "you're still young" remark is actually not rare from what I gather, but usually it is said with good intent vs how she is doing it)

Tempting as it is and as much as she might be begging for it, try to avoid the temptation of driving up to her house and whacking her back into last week She's not worth it. Let her stew in her own pettiness and anger; trust me, you can't really hurt her any more than she already is anyway. Only deal with her if you have to. Focus on you and taking care of you - you ARE worth it. And I think even you know you did not "screw up." You did a lot for him, everything you could. He knows that, and so do you it would seem. Things rarely if ever go the way we want with things like this (ie aside from the loss itself). PS and oh btw pls don't beat yourself up for being human; no matter how much you wish you could have done or do everything perfect, you can't.

[kathyl]

Please don't react ... at least not to her directly. She is hurt and angry as well, and would love the opportunity to take out some of her hurt and anger on you. It will not help either of you. Like w2 said, the hurt is like apples and oranges - people do not understand when they say "I know exactly what you're going through" - they don't, and they just annoy the $@#! out of me. Even those of us who have lost our partner do not know exactly what the next person is going through....but we at least can understand some of the feelings that you are experiencing.

I ended up emailing my mother-in-law about something when I was feeling angry and hurt - it took me 48 hours to actually SEND the message, but by the time I sent it, there was nothing in it that was accusatory or angry. It turns out that what I was so angry about was a big miscommunication, so I am glad I didn't get angry directly at her. Perhaps you could email his Mom about the cellphone and stuff - I totally agree that there are some people you do not need in your life, but please try not to burn those bridges too fast. You don't have to speak to her again after getting things settled, but there is no need to sever the connection completely either. That will just add to your own feelings of hurt and pain.

((hugs))

P.S. I have a pet bird who does not talk, but mimics sound. The only word that he ever learned to mimic was "Papa", and it seems like when I start crying, he will say "Papa" like he knows that is the reason I am crying. It is amazing what animals pick up on.

[kevinsgirl]

I think what I plan to do is type up a fake email to her, just to get my emotions out, but I won't send it to her. Well, not now anyway!!!

I can't stop thinking about what she said. It's just so annoying to me.

My friend showed me the email that was sent to him so I could see what she actually said. It's all about her and her husband and what they did for Kevin. Just on & on & on. Like they were the only ones hurting or doing anything for Kevin. Honestly, that woman does have a slap upside the head coming her way. Just not right now. She'd say things like, "I know she lost the love of her life, but...." BUT??? There is no "but" in this, lady! I'm not blowing off her pain because of what I'm going through. I mean, I'm at home with all of his belongings - nobody else is dealing with that! But you don't see me going around trying to act like I'm the one suffering the most. Ugh!

Off the topic of his mother and back on the top of Kevin, how long does it take to finally sink in that they're gone? I'm not trying to text him or call him or anything like that, but to think that he's gone, forever, is just impossible for my brain to comprehend.

[Austykatie]

I think what I plan to do is type up a fake email to her, just to get my emotions out, but I won't send it to her. Well, not now anyway!!!

I can't stop thinking about what she said. It's just so annoying to me.

My friend showed me the email that was sent to him so I could see what she actually said. It's all about her and her husband and what they did for Kevin. Just on & on & on. Like they were the only ones hurting or doing anything for Kevin. Honestly, that woman does have a slap upside the head coming her way. Just not right now. She'd say things like, "I know she lost the love of her life, but...." BUT??? There is no "but" in this, lady! I'm not blowing off her pain because of what I'm going through. I mean, I'm at home with all of his belongings - nobody else is dealing with that! But you don't see me going around trying to act like I'm the one suffering the most. Ugh!

Off the topic of his mother and back on the top of Kevin, how long does it take to finally sink in that they're gone? I'm not trying to text him or call him or anything like that, but to think that he's gone, forever, is just impossible for my brain to comprehend.

It's so new I can't even say, but as far as I know there is no actual time line..it's been a month since I lost Jim to a horrible accident and I am laying on the couch in his work hoodie watching his shows he had reordered hoping I Do ok as the kids finally went back to school..

Bless you and I hop it gets better for you!

[kevinsgirl]

Kevin being away from home wasn't unusual. He had so much chemo that he was gone a lot. My brain seems to be reverting back to those times, almost thinking he'll be back again at some point. I keep trying to tell myself that he won't be back but my brain just can't grasp it.

I just want to wake up and have him back. I miss him so much and I can't stand the thought of my future without him.

[kevinsgirl]

Does anybody notice any difference with little annoyances in life? I seem to be more on edge and little things have been turning into big things for me. Like when I got back to work someone had stolen my parking spot. I was ready to pound the guy that did it. I mean, it's really not a huge deal but right now it's just one more thing that has happened to me. I just want a break!!!

[AlwaysHisGirl]

Kevinsgirl,

I am short on patience lately. Maybe it's this long, cold winter. I love to think of possible new ways to cope - I am going to have a 90 minute massage on Thursday! I haven't had a professional massage in about 20 years. This will be a treat! I'll let you know if it has a long-lasting positive affect. It sure can't hurt. :-)

[Austykatie]

I know my patient level is usually pretty good but lately I none! I was feeling annoyed tonight and went downstairs to do laundry and vent to Jim, then realized that is not going to happen! I sometimes think he is just working along day or out of town hunting... Then it hits! He is not here ans not coming back! So needless to say I have had another rough day!

[Deesgirl]

Kevinsgirl, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I can relate to much of what you're feeling.

My boyfriend died suddenly almost 2 years ago now. There are still times when I think he will come home, after work or that I see him jogging on the street, or think 'its ok, he's just on vacation... Then reality sinks in and I can't find air to breathe.

I absolutely cannot believe that it will be 2 years in May. I've had many downs, so many tears, lots of guilt and anger, lots of nasty things said to people I thought were friends...

I don't know what it's like to deal with the family since his immediate family is in Africa, however I do agree with kathyl about not burning your bridges. You know what is true in your heart and how much you influenced and brought joy to Kevin's life and so do the people that love and care for you, especially Kevin.

What I learned is that it's not worth carrying the hatred and anger, it only weighs you down, sucks all your energy and in the end,devastatingly, will not bring them back.

I hope that you find some peace in this very dark time..

Thinking of you,

Deesgirl

[kathyl]

Off the topic of his mother and back on the top of Kevin, how long does it take to finally sink in that they're gone? I'm not trying to text him or call him or anything like that, but to think that he's gone, forever, is just impossible for my brain to comprehend.

No idea....I'm still not completely there yet and it has been 6 months.

Quick reply about his Mother - I know that while I have been grieving, I have HAD to be very selfish just to survive. I have had to think of only myself and getting through the very next thing. I have had a very difficult time having any kind of empathy for anyone else, even my mother-in-law and the rest of Jeremy's family. You are right - nobody knows the pain that you are going through....but because his Mom is grieving too, she is probably thinking the same way. You're both feeling pain like you've never felt it before, and I'm glad you will write to her without sending the message. It will do you good to get it in writing ((hugs)) Thinking of you.

[kathyl]

Does anybody notice any difference with little annoyances in life? I seem to be more on edge and little things have been turning into big things for me. Like when I got back to work someone had stolen my parking spot. I was ready to pound the guy that did it. I mean, it's really not a huge deal but right now it's just one more thing that has happened to me. I just want a break!!!

Oh yeah....I have very little patience on even the good days, and absolutely no tolerance for people with no common sense (which seems to be way too many people around here!). The worst part is, my "filter" seems to be broken as well. I find myself cussing more! Thankfully, the filter is in place at work....that's the important thing!

I have found that coming here helps immensely - it is refreshing to know that the subtle changes I have noticed in myself, and not liked, are common.

[kevinsgirl]

Sorry I haven't been on lately. Work actually distracted me last week. Then, when I'd get home, I'd be so tired I'd nap for awhile, try to eat and then go to bed. Very tired all week and most of this past weekend. I would imagine that's part of the grieving process?

I feel cranky lately. And like I'm trying to avoid people as much as possible.

I'm tired of hearing about how people are "thinking" about me. What does that even mean? Like I take up 2 seconds of their day? I don't understand. And what is their thinking supposed to mean or do for me? How do I know they're even telling the truth?

I can tell the reality of Kevin being gone is setting in more and more as time goes on. It's feeling more "real". I just wish I could feel him around me. I can't. I haven't received any sort of sign that would make me even think he was around. Last night it hit me like a ton of bricks that he's just flat out gone. That maybe I should stop talking to him because he sure doesn't seem to be here with me. Made me feel incredibly lonely.

[widower2]

I'm sorry kg. I can definitely tell you have a lot of anger going on - I was similar when it first happened. For ex. I was enraged when people said "how are you" because it was such an idiotic question. Uh hello, I'm peachy, how the #@$! do you think I am? But while I know it's easier said than done, try to keep in mind that people (usually) mean well, even if what they say or do comes off as bumbling and annoying as heck. Basically, most don't really know what to say or do. In fact, count your blessings; I experienced a lot of people "disappearing" and to me at least that was worst of all - people not caring enough to even keep in touch.

As for "signs," anything is possible but I would not count on any - nor would I take that as an indicator he doesn't exist "out there" somewhere, somehow either. I don't pretend to know how it all works and sure as heck not interested in "preaching" - guess I'm just saying don't make too many assumptions one way or other, or take any to heart too much, again getting back to we just don't know for sure how it all works. I do think it is well worth it to have hope, hard though it may be and hopeless as we may often feel.

For what it's worth I still talk to her, even though I'm not sure if she hears me. Can't hurt right? tc and hang in there.

[John4802]

Hello I am new to this site. Lost my wife of 40 years to cancer last Sunday and am really feeling lonely. I thought I could cope just thinking she was done with this horrible disease but I think I am getting worse. I just miss her so much. We met in high school and were never with anyone else. I love her so much. I wish I would have told her more often

[widower2]

Hi John, I'm so sorry for your loss. This just happened, so allow that you need time and lots of it. I was also relieved when my beloved wasn't suffering anymore, but that didn't stop it from being a horrible time to go through (to some extent still going through). You could say her suffering is over but yours isn't. I hope you have someone you can lean on as needed; if not (or even if so), at some point I suggest you consider grief counseling - after months of living as "hermit" (never going out etc) I did and it helped me a lot, even though I had to try 1 or 2 before finding the right one.

[John4802]

Hi it is Easter Sunday and although my family all came over, I just could not stop thinking about Beverly. She hosted almost every holiday at our home and always made everything special. I love her so much. I just wish I did more to show her when she was alive!!

[widower2]

Have beat myself up about that many times too. I know it's easier said than done but try not to; you were/are only human. That first holiday is one of the hardest. tc

[John4802]

Hello. Well it has been a few more weeks since I wrote on this site. It has not even been one month since I lost my wife of 40 years but it seems much longer. I miss her terribly but I am better than I was two weeks ago. I still cannot believe she is gone. I have tried counseling with 2 different therapists. They were both ok so I will continue for a few weeks. Group therapy for people who have lost a spouse will start at the end of the month. - I am thinking that talking to others going through this may help. Every day I am getting sympathy cards in the mail which just makes things worse. I know everyone means well but it just brings back all of the sadness.

I think my daughters thought I was losing it so they are now here every weekend. Friends have really stepped up inviting me out most evenings during the week. This must be why I feel a little better. Between work, having to get my taxes done, and going out every night has kept me busy. But I just keep thinking why can't Beverly be here to do this with me.

There have been a few instances when I think she is trying to send me a sign but who knows. I have started donating all of her clothes and I got rid rid of everything that reminded me she was sick.

Well, thanks for listening. I still never see anyone in this chat room!!

[kevinsgirl]

I'm going to bow out from this forum.

Take care all.