Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

It is now 102 here in Brenham....

[M.Mata77]

Just want to send my thoughts to a family near me that lost their 4year old little boy in a tragic accident last night. Especially to his seven year old brother who witnessed the accident.

[ericasmom]

MMata, I am so so sorry to hear such sad news. What happened to the little one?

[M.Mata77]

Him and his brother snuck out of the house because they wanted slurpees at 2:30 am. They had to cross o 5lane road. The older boy made it across the younger boy was hit by a car. He dI'd not suffer as he passed on instantly.

[Mermaid Tears]

How very sad and tragic for the family....so sad.

[ericasmom]

Wow M. That is terribly sad. The older boy is going to have a great deal to deal with for this action, that survivor guilt, the big brother guilt, so much, not to mention the absolute missing his little Bro.

Prayers to them all, and to you.

[daveydow1]

Susan----102 degrees !!! ( I would just melt.) I don't tolerate the heat very

well, and we don't have A/C, so when it hits 90 around here it's rough for

me-----but 102 !! ? I hope that you get some rain soon and that you get

some cooler temperatures.

MMata-----Oh, how very sad and awful that the dear little boy age 4

was killed. My heart aches to hear about such a tragedy. Sending

prayers for the entire family whose little one is now an angel in heaven.

Dee----

Nice temperate weather here too. Cloudy, and threatening to

rain some more, but so far a nice day. We placed some violas in a pot

on Lisa's grave around Memorial Day, then went on vacation for a week.

When we got home, I got that flu bug, so we didn't get back to the cemetery

to water the flowers. Davey's geranium was ok, but needed watering. The

violas on Lisa's grave were just wiped out----lying flat---and appeared to

be dead, since her grave is in full sun. We checked again today, and they

had done a complete turnaround, and were blooming and looking so nice.

We had siad that there was no hope for them, but watered them anyhow.

What a pleasant surprise.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Very emotional for the past weeks...I have so much to say...too little time...and so very, very grateful...for ones that come here to post...and will 'say' something that is on my heart....and make me feel 'I am ok'...

[ericasmom]

Hang on Susan, we are with you holding you as you go through this emotional time. We're here and able to take some of the weight of all you carry, the same way others did for us when we were just laying down our first year's footsteps.

Sherry, how wonderful that Lisa's flowers did a turn-a-round. Makes the heart happy.

[Jeff's Mom]

Good Morning, Everyone... I am thinking of you as you start into another Sunday morning. M.Mata...how tragic for that little tike! His poor family. Keeping his family and especially brother in my prayers. Sherry, I was pleased to see that Lisa's flowers did a complete turnaround. You must have been very pleased. I am not a huge fan of any extremes in weather. The older I get the less I am able to tolerate the heat. We are having a terrific Canada day Weekend. The weather is perfection the past few days. There are hordes of cottagers up to celebrate. We were treated to a huge fireworks display by our next door neighbor last night. Very fancy and elaborate. Gosh, these kids today can sure set up a nice display. Tomorrow there will be a parade in Gimli followed by entertainment by the wharf. We have had a low keyed weekend. Hubby is in the down phase of the chemo cycle. Very tired and stomach off and so we are just doing a few things and he is then lying down for a sleep in between. Brenda...have not heard from you for ages. Thinking of you and definitely missing your photos. I am sitting here typing whilst listening to the cheerful sound of our little house wren family outside my bedroom window. Have not had the opportunity to go into Jeff's site much the past little while. I do miss sitting on his bench. It's hard as his birthday is approaching and I know that another year has passed. Does not seem possible somehow. Where does the time go? Life continues in spite of it all. Well, hold on everyone and hopefully your day will bring you a degree of happiness.

[NeverAndAlways]

Dee...thanks for the words...I believe they cheer for us too...I just want them to be proud of me when I get there...that is a strong motivation for me and I know it is or will be for everyone here.

Susan...thank you for saying so and for telling me about your husband...it is validating for me as sometimes I struggle with a chip on my shoulder when people assume my step relation makes everything magically easier.

As for losing more than one child at a time...it took some time to realize that its impossible to mourn them as a group all the time. I figure, I have the rest of my life to spread grief out among them, so although we memorialize them together...most of the time I miss them one at a time. Give all my focus to just one. It eliminates the complication of trying to think of them all at once, which for me is a little depersonalizing. One at a time hurts more so it must be right.

Offering this morning for all of you.

[ericasmom]

Never and Always, the same was true for my husband, a stepdad but the comments that came to him were different than those that came to me and Eri's Dad. My husband and I had only been married 5 years when Erz died, she was 19, but nevertheless...The other thing in losing a child or in your case, three which is hard to wrap our minds and hearts around, is that we see the loss in our other relationships, those of surviving children and spouses. We see and witness the changes in them that make it sometimes hard to recognize them as who they were, just as it becomes so hard on them to see us in this new iteration. It takes a lot of energy to tend to our own selves, and then much more to tend to those around us. I can totally understand what you said about thinking of one child at a time when you can, sending that love and knowledge of her into the world, each of them rooting for you.

Kate, I have been asking after Brenda too, miss her and wondering if she is out there, remember her arm and neck were bad...I sure hope she is okay. Enjoy the day, it is gorgeous here.

[daveydow1]

Jim----Memorializing and remembering your little girls, one at a time,

is your way to devote your thoughts and emotions to each of your

dear angels. Peace & comfort, friend.

Kate----I'm the same....as I get older, the extremes in temps bothers

me more---especially the heat. Your Canada Day festivities sounds

so very nice, and good weather to top it off makes it perfect. I will

keep closer tabs on Lisa's flower pot, and if it finally gives out, I'll

have to get something artificial. Almost everyone puts artificial

flowers on the little graves in that area of 'Babyland' where she is

buried. There are parts of the area that has partial shade, but a number

of years ago, there were dead pine trees that had to be removed, so

it left that area of the graves in sun all day......no shade at all....making

it difficult to keep live flowers going.

Susan----I agree that this is the only place that I have found where

one can come and post what is in there grieving heart.....anytime of

day or night, and just knowing that everyone else here knows and understands

your emotions. Since we have people that are all along the timeline after

the devastating loss of a child, there's always a listening soul here.

Laurie----Grieving parents, especially in the early times, sometimes

feel like they are just stumbling around....groping for something to hold

onto, and to try to make any sense at all of the loss of our children. It

can be a lot of comfort to just find others who are in the same numbing

pain and sorrow, and to find their words a comfort. I'm glad that you

found this site.

I'm sorry for all the new parents who have come to BI. Wishing you

peace and comfort.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

I, too, have been giving a lot of thought in contacting a medium...

[ericasmom]

I would like to go to a medium right off the street, no time or name to give for time to look up our stories on the internet. I almost did in NYC one time, but held back, maybe one day I just will.

I love, love, love, that Cara's name was specifically called out as the one who was helping her Buddy. How sweet is that? How is the Boy's sister doing? Jared can be of great help to her. And there you were helping your co-worker, who finds herself in the same position as our friend, Carol. That extreme stress of losing that one who has gone through all the deep grief with you...I know it has been very sad for Carol too. I am glad that you shared with her, and I will bet that tonight she takes solace in knowing she can talk with you Lora.

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....yes....your Jared seems to have a thumb right on the right place...thought of Carol and the 'sweethearts'....and Kate...and I am thinking of Del....hoping she is fine...hope she is reading our posts...and know that we are all thinking of her....took the trip to League City...geez....getting through Houston now is 'something else'...and our Wyatt John is crawling all over the place...heard from my daughter...she took family and friends to New Braunsfels...said it was so hard..so hard..for every where she looked...she could see 'us'...all together in our vacations there....she said she hasn't had such a hard time since John David passed....memories....my baby girl is really on that grief road...but is pressing through ....all I could say is...'I understand'....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Goodnight Everyone, sweet sleep for each.

Laurie, those flashbacks are hard to deal with, keep sharing these thoughts and you will find the support you need. You might want to write down the details of the flashbacks just to capture them in words and then you can start to see patterns develop sometimes.

I echo the concerns for Trudi, Carol, Col, Brenda, Becky, Gretchen, Leah, Kathy, Amy, Del, and Greg- as well as the names of those we have not seen in a long while, we are holding you close.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

The past few days have been very hard. My husband left the house last week. It was me who asked him to go and give me and the boys some time and space to heal. There were problems between us before Trista's accident. The divide between us has just gotten so big that I can't handle it. We are in such very different places. He is just ready to go back to normal. He doesn't understand my grief at all. He is pushing me to be "better". He seems to just want things to be "normal" and keeps saying that he just wants his wife back. He keeps making everything about him and it's too much right now. I can't handle anything more than grieving for my daughter and trying to be the best I can for my boys. That's all I have in me right now. We are going to marriage counseling once a week and he has agreed to do individual counseling at the advice of our counselor, twice a week. I asked him to just take it a week at a time and see where things are.

Saturday was four weeks since Trista's accident. It hit me hard. I miss her so much. My sister came to stay with me for the night. We worked on flower arrangements for Trista's site and talked a lot. It was good to have her here. Around the time of the crash which was 6:40 p.m. it started to storm. Trista passed at 7:33 p.m. At that time, on Saturday, the storm stopped and the sun came out. My sister said that was Trista letting us know that she was okay. I wonder how long I will relive those memories every Saturday between 6:40 p.m. and 7:33 p.m. Maybe forever.

On Saturday afternoon, I met with a local artist. He does amazing work. I asked him to help me with some original artwork for Trista's stone. He said he would be honored to do it. He is working on a "fairy ballerina". Trista was a ballerina and she loved fairies. I carry her favorite miniature fairy doll with me everywhere.

Tonight is the first night I have been alone since the accident. My grandma has been here most of the time. When she's not here my sister is. I spent a lot of time with my boys and we did ok. It was good to have some alone time with them. I know it will be hard once they both go to bed.

Trista's friends, family, and I have planted a garden for her. It's beautiful. Everyone donated a flower to the garden that they felt was the right flower for Trista. We have such an array of colors and styles. It's perfect for my daughter who hasn't worn a pair of matching socks since I stopped dressing her. For her the more the colors and patterns clashed the better. I have two angels in the garden that hold candles and I light candles every night for her. One night I lit the candles and stood there talking to her. I was feeling so desperate for her and I started crying. Then I looked up and saw a little hummingbird. It was dark. The only light was from two small tea lights. It was feeding from Trista's lilies. Me being me, I had to look it up. What I found was that hummingbirds cannot see well at night so they usually settle in an hour before dark. They typically feed in the early morning. They will feed at night occasionally but only in a well let area like directly under a porch light. I thanked my Trista for that sign. I've seen hummingbirds very close to me a couple of times since and it's always when I'm feeling most desperate for her. I think it's her way of reminding me she's close.

Thank you to all for keeping me and Trista and in your thoughts.

Laurie, The video you posted brought tears. What a beautiful tribute to Jesse. Thank you for sharing.

It's only been 4 weeks for me to be here without my Trista but I find I have this huge fear that people will forget her. I can't stand the thought of anyone who she loved forgetting her. I know logically that they won't but it's such a driving need to make sure my Beautiful Girl is remembered. I love her so very much. It's hard sometimes to see the girls who were close to her doing the things they should be doing this summer. Going to camp, vacation, swimming. I know it's as it should be and I certainly don't expect that anyone will hurt the same way I am but it's so hard to see knowing that Trista should be doing those things.

Thank you all for all the support and kind words.

Shannon

[NeverAndAlways]

Laurie...we also struggles with feelings toward the driver that caused the accident. Like you say, it is not good. I just hope we never have to meet them. I'm so glad you have this tribute to share. We have planted a flower garden. I am still afraid to try and go through home videos. I wanted to early on...but the longer it's been, the more it frightens me. I don't always understand some feelings. Some things have gotten harder with time, not easier.

Shannon...its still so raw for you. That first alone time was a strange experience for me. I didn't want family to leave, but it was good to be able grieve the way I wanted to. Even with each other it was very lonely. We did not sleep in our own bed again for many, many months...preferring the floor or couch in the living room. I don't know why. I guess it felt closer to them since they did not spend time in our bedroom. It sounds like your husband needs a lot a lot a lot of counsel right now...he may be in denial right now about what you are facing. It may really help him to read about grief and try to understand he will never get the same wife back...ever. You will be a different person...he will too even in spite of attempts not to. It is too soon and too much to ask to expect to be able to lean on each other heavily...we could not make each other into our support rock because neither of us were okay. We each had to reach out to friends or family individually to be our leaning posts for a long time before we really relied on each other for comfort again. We tried to comfort each other a little bit at first, but it was clear there were times that we simply were not and could not. I really hope he'll understand and even embrace his own grief for his own sake...but I've watched some push it away to try and avoid the soul eating guilt. I cried last night thinking of times I was not the dad I wanted to be. I hate those thoughts...but even unhappy memories are memories. There is no going 'back to normal'. There is only the new normal and this journey will be exceedingly not normal for years. I wanted to, but there was no running from it. I could have moved to the moon and not escaped it. I hope he sees that.

Jim

[Jeff's Mom]

I am thinking of everyone this morning and have agreed with so much that I have read over the past several days. Laurie, we do plan to go into the memorial site this afternoon to sit and just enjoy the view over the lake. I truly do know that Jeff is wherever he wants to be. I have had many signs over the past few years that can not be explained. In particular the visit from the stranger at the Tea House last fall that walked up to us and told us she had a message for me. That Jeff was insistent that she tell me he was ok. I nearly dropped on the spot. She was too accurate to be a phony. It was the real deal. No kidding. She was not in it as a business. Just a woman that had a gift to be used to give comfort. Lora, that woman reached out as a fellow human being that connected on the level of true understanding. How difficult a time she must be having. I so admire Carol for her strength and devotion to her very special Mike as he was in his final months. This is a terrible road to walk alone. Frightening and so very painful. I have no idea what lies down the road for my own husband. We are living each day as it comes....confident in the knowledge that he is getting the best medical care that is available. We also know that we can not control our own destiny nor the destinies of others. We can only hope that we can walk alongside each other in love and support of each other. The rest is in God's hands. Today is a beautiful day. Sunny and a very light breeze off of the water. We are just getting ready before we head out to the parade. Looks like a wonderful day for the Canada Day festivities. Jim, it will never be the same again after such a tragic loss. My heart goes out to you and your wife for the pain you are both carrying. One day at a time. Hold those special memories close. And know that one day you will see your sweeties again. I know it may be small comfort at this time...but this is not forever. Thinking of everyone today and holding you all close. Love, Kate

[ericasmom]

So many folks helping each other through their tears here. Jim, I agree, Shannon's husband needs assistance to learn about grief and how it changes us, and how it will also affect the boys. How are your boys Shannon, since Trista's leaving? Kids grieve differently but it is so important that they witness the grief of those around them, thereby giving them permission to also grieve. It is such a confusion for us, it certainly is for them. Having a parent behave as though there is a limit to this pain and now we go on as though it did not happen is not healthy for them. I am sorry though, that you have to deal with more change at this time, but it does sound like the healthiest choice for now. You are far stronger than you probably ever wanted to discover, and I am sure that Trista is quite proud of you. The garden sounds perfect. And yes, it is very hard to watch Trista's friends change and grow, and go off to college or jobs...we are almost 10 years, several of ERi's friends have children now, the bittersweet of it all. They don't forget her just as Trista's friends won't forget that little fairy-ballerina with the mismatched socks. She is carried in many hearts. Oh, she is an expert at letting you know she is near, the hummingbirds and the storms...right there riding along on your heart.

Laurie, the video is so wonderful, my goodness the heart that is put into this.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Tomorrow marks an important day in our quest.

[rlolheiser]

Hey.. just wanted to say hello to all, and let you know my heart is still here with you. I have been on the go so much and this computer is so hard to get up running anymore. I should just cancel my internet but then i would be cut off of everything.

Last I posted I was going to court for the grandson, he is still in foster care... I went again last week.. and he is still in foster care. I have passed everything and then some. But the town he is in just said I lied... my daughter lives with ]me.. and guess what].. she doesn't but that stopped everything and now I have to go back. I am so tired..

I have been really down. I had a fall about a month ago, but I still keep going. both my knees hurt.. I think they are both sprained.. they are good in the morning. By night I am in pain. ]old or what... I was in the hospital for a ]night, but recovered.. had a fever of 105 that was hard.. but am good. Sometimes I wonder if mom won't outlast me.

My oldest daughter is here to see doctors, her kids are with her, the great grand baby too.. it is a pleasure but it takes a lot out of my day. I wish there was an instruction book for all that people go through, I don't know if I am coming or going. I guess I am lucky I am still going.

My youngest, JaBoa's mom is stll clean... that is what I know my angel wants.. I pray everyday the kids are returned to her or that she can come back here... something has to work out some day.

Take care all... sorry for so many new parents... your in good hands on this site... it has been seven years since the loss of my grandaughter.. and I still keep coming back to get strength from the words you all offer eve the new members to this terrible grief... You are all so valuable, even when you don't feel it, your angels do.

Hugs.. Dee, Shery, Kate, Rhonda, Carol, Trudi, Betty, Betsy, Coleen, Kathy, Amy, Brenda, Grentchen.. everybody... have the best 4th.. the best time you can possibly have... we are still celebrating with JaBoa.. if anything, we make it even better.. we celebrate her

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Jim and Dee,

Thank you for your thoughts on my situation with my husband. He does need a lot of help understanding where I'm at and that things will never be the same. I think that's why the counselor suggested twice a week for him. I know he is grieving in his own way. I also know he loves Tris even if their personalities never allowed him to get close. I think in a lot of ways he is avoiding the pain of the guilt that he has over not taking the chance he had to be closer. I'm hoping the counseling helps. I've left it open for him to come see the boys whenever he wants.

Dee,

My boys are both handling things in their own way. There is such an age difference that of course it's very different for each of them. Aiden is only 3 years old. He will be 4 in September. Zakery is 14 years old. Aiden is struggling with even understanding where Sissy has gone. He was with us the night of the accident until we could find someone to come pick him up at the hospital. He kept saying, "It's okay, Mommy. It was just an accident." Which is what I tell him whenever he spills something or whatever. I've tried to explain to him that Sissy got hurt in the accident so she had to go to heaven. I told him she's okay now but we can't see her because she lives in heaven now. I don't know how else to really explain it to a 3 year old. He dreams of her. He woke up early one morning saying, "I just want to see her" over and over. I asked who and he said, "Sissy". Another morning he woke up crying saying, "I don't want her to leave". Again I asked who although I was pretty sure who he meant but didn't want to put the idea into his head if that wasn't it. He said, "Sissy" and went on to tell me that Sissy had been with him. She had been helping him find his Buzz Lightyear but then he had to wake up and she had to go back to the place with all the flowers. I try to talk about her a lot. We look and pictures and watch videos of them playing together. It seems to make him happier.

Zakery worries me because he's older and not so open with his feelings. He does talk about her sometimes. Just little things like, "Trista, used to love this game." I noticed on her birthday he didn't ask if it was Trista's birthday when he woke up. Instead he asked, "Is it June 21st?" I talk to him and let him know it's okay to cry, yell, scream, or not. Whatever he needs but that he can talk to me anytime. I do let them see me grieve. Not all the time because I also think they need to know it's okay for them to smile and feel happy without feeling guilty too, especially Zakery.

Zak has been through so much. He was six years old when his father, my first husband passed suddenly from a heart attack. Three months later we lost his grandfather who he was very close to and now his sister. They were very close. I'm keeping my eye on him and we are looking for a counselor who works specifically with teenagers and siblings. I'm also looking into grief support groups for teens. Zakery is very social and I think that might be a good thing for him.

The girls have been very good about coming to see him. The get him involved in things in ways I can't because it's just not a thing fun to do with your mom. Plus they don't really give him a choice. They just burst in and say, "Come on, lets go!" I know that helps because he was close to them as well through Trista. She would let him come in her room to hang out when her friends were over if he wasn't hanging out with his friends or they would all go to his room to watch movies. They are friends to him and also give him that connection to his sister.

Wishing everyone a peaceful day. You are all in my thoughts.

Shannon

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Lora, be careful and on the ready if you need to move to higher ground. My hope for the rains to end for a week so things can dry up some and then, just normal rain here and there throughout the months.

Leah, good to see you today, sorry though, that you fell and your knees are hurting. I am also sorry that your little guy is still not being sent back to live with your family. I am wishing you well, knowing that there is much to do in one day where you are and little left over time nor energy, so thank you for updating us. Hugs.

Kate, nice weather and the two of you outside today sounds just right.

Shannon, I will send extra hope and prayers to you for the boys. Each age such a challenge, one for understanding where his sis is and for missing her presence, the other for such a deep loss and the struggle to find sense in the world in the first place when you are a teen. I think the world of the girls who come over to get that Zak out and with them so that he can still be a part of Trista's world. That tells me Shannon, that you need not worry that her friends will ever forget her.

I am worried like crazy about Brenda and Del.

[TMLeDoux57]

Hello BI,

I'm still taking it moment by moment, and for the most part with God. There is no way I could function without Him. He has given me thoughts of the best memories of my daughter when I start to feel low, put people into my life where and when I need them the most and watches over me when I don't want to carry on.

It's been over 3 months since I've lost my Sweet Rachael and unborn grandson and I've been waiting for the grief councilor through my workplace to contact me. There has been no contact from him other than a bunch of pamphlets and a few tapes to listen to. I've come to the conclusion that since a councilor hasn't been available to me that God would rather me rely on Him instead. He has provided certain situations toward healing my broken heart. I will never stop missing my beautiful daughter, but the plentiful good memories God continuously reminds me of keeps her alive for me until I can see her again.

I was feeling a bit restless this weekend after several weeks of being in a funk, and out of the blue, a good friend of mine invited me to her new place for the weekend. When I arrived there, she had inner tubes and paddles for a little trip to a nearby creek. I've been drawn to water all my life but it's been so long since I've been in the water that I forgot how good it felt to me. I have painful neuropathy in both of my feet, so when I put them in the cool water of the creek, the pain disappeared and I was able to relax and actually enjoy the experience. I was able to talk freely about Rachael to my friend while we were floating along, which was also soothing. It was a good weekend for me.

One of the things about Rachael was that she had to move the furniture around every 10 days, just for the variety in her living space. Whenever she came to visit me, she always had to move something or somethings in my home as an 'improvement' to my surroundings. I never minded and it would remain that way until she visited again. So when I brought her ashes to live with me in my apartment, I rearranged the furniture in my living room as a 'Welcome Home' for her. It did my heart good to remember her in that fashion.

I pray that God bless and keep you all.

[daveydow1]

Laurie----I agree---weekends are so very difficult in the early days on this

lousy road we're on. Usually we would see our dear kids on weekends,

and have meals etc. That is the way it usually is and when we no longer

have these dear chlldren in our lives here on earth, the longing and yearning,

and missing them so is just so sharp and painful. I think that the flashbacks

often come in the early times......and of course can happen anytime. Wishing

you peace & comfort.

Leah----so good to see your post. I've been wondering how you are. Sorry to

hear that your long struggle to get custody of your sweet little grandson is

still ongoing. Also, sorry that you fell and hurt your knee. Hope that it is getting

better. Did you have the flu......is that why you ended up in the hospital with

such a high temperature? Please try to take good care of yourself. It can be

difficult, when so many depend on you, I know. Am glad to hear that your

daughter is still on the right path. It will be such a delight for you to see that

little great grandson. He must be a little sweetie. Take care, friend.

Lora----So kind of you to reach out to the woman who had lost her son, and is

now facing the loss of her husband. It must be very stressful for her.....to lose

the person who has walked with her in the grief path after the loss of her son.

Sweet Cara....welcoming Ty into the heavenly home they now live in. Such

a good and positive knowledge to have tucked away in your heart.

Dee----I, too, have thought about mediums and almost tried to contact one

shortly after Davey's death, but just never carried through with it, somehow.

My husband says that he thinks they are opportunists, but if I wanted to contact

one, then go ahead. I guess by now I don't think about it much. I am not against

seeking out a medium, though. Each person must do what they think is best

for themselves, and to get whatever comfort they may find on this journey.

Sometimes it seems as though there is little comfort to be had....I know.

Still rainy here. Waiting for the weather to clear......need roof repairs done, and

company can't come when it's rainy, of course.

Kate-----Thoughts and prayers, my Indigo friend.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

These are the hollyhocks in our backyard.

[NeverAndAlways]

Love the hollyhocks...I might have to go look for some!

On counselors... can't say for sure they helped...but it did HELP to make myself talk to someone ELSE so my family didn't recieve all of it all the time.

On bereaved siblings...I've watched the other kids for two years now and here's what I see. They went back to looking and acting normal very fast. Most were in denial the first year...literally ran from a room if the subject was brought up. Really troubled us for a while...like they just wanted their sisters to never have existed. But I learned they are just moving through the process slower than adults. My 18 year only only just said the words to me this week "I'm not okay" and asked if he could start seeing a counselor...after two years of never talking or showing the slightest emotion. The others are unravelling slowly too.

On justice...we did not get justice. I hope for everyone in that difficult situation that you get the good and righteous justice that is deserved. But if you don't, just believe that you can endure injustice too if you can survive this far.

Our thoughts are with you and with our children - Jim

Survivor's Creed

"nothing above me

nothing below me

nothing beside me

nothing behind me

nothing but what is before my feet

that is my mantra until we meet"

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jeff's Mom]

Prayers and condolences to the families of the firefighters that lost their lives in Arizona. Thinking of everyone that is caught in the midst of the heat and storms. Lora...please take care and stay safe. Leah, I am so happy to hear from you. Sorry that you are still struggling with ill health and family issues. You are never alone... as you always have your BI family that are behind you. Please take care of yourself. Becky, thinking of you and wishing you success with your quest! I hope that they will finally wake up and do the obvious. Hope you have a peaceful evening and a refreshing sleep tonight everyone. Kate

[ericasmom]

Absolutely Kate, the families and friends of the 19 elite fire crew in Arizona, thier lives gone in the hopes of saving the homes of others.

Becky, as Jim speaks of justice, we hope that justice is found!

Keep us posted.

Jim, yep, those kids go along because they know that they cannot deal with it at the same time as the parents, who will take care of everything if everyone is sad at once? Kids are resiliant, but to a point. At some place on the road, they do fall apart or they realize they need some help. I hope that your young one is able to get some help.

I know that therapy isn't for everyone, but many find it to be the best thing for them.

Tamara, I am so glad that you have clear memories that bring you great solace. Rachel must be very proud o you.

Sherry, You were able to post a photo! Great job and your holly-hocks look stunning. We get them every other year. I do like them very much. What a great color too.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Tomorrow marks an important day in our quest.

My prayers are with your family.

Jim, I agree counseling is not for everyone but it's worth a try. We are all struggling so much and as you said, we are finding it difficult to lean on each other when we are all so consumed with our own grief. I'm so glad your 18 year old felt like it was ok to come to you and say, "I'm not okay". That says a lot. I'm worried that my Zak is trying to be strong for me at his own expense. It also could be that it will just take him longer. I'm just trying to be as aware as I can to how he is doing.

Dee, thank you for your kind words and your thoughts and prayers for my boys.

Lora, I know logically that she will not be forgotten. I just have this drive, like I need to make sure of it. I'm sure you're right and it's part of the grief process.

I find it hard to focus on anything unless it has to do with Trista. I cannot even really function normally unless I'm doing something "for her", whether it's dealing with her case, working in her garden, going to her site, working on her website, etc.

[Guest]

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[mikesmomrs]

Hello to my BI family...just wanting to check in and let you all know that I am thinking of you. There are so many new members and I do welcome each of you, though wish truly that you never had a reason to know of us. You have landed in a soft place, where love and understanding, comfort and company are here for you, always. I still can't use paragraphing or color, (though I've become creative with the color aspect and sometimes can space ahead to create a paragraph), so please bear with me in my lengthy paragraphs that seem to "run on." This past week has been a difficult one...many of the days mark the "this time last year," type of thoughts....Sunday marked hubby being gone for 10 months, but also marked the one year mark of the last day he was in this house. He was admitted to the hospital on June 30th and 59 days later came home and died the next day. This coming week is the week that, one year ago, they told us if he didn't have emergency surgery immediately (they told us this at 3 am Sunday morning) he would be dead in a week. Even though they told him there would be many complications and a very difficult recovery, he said "I choose life" when they asked him if he wanted to go through with it. So many memories that tear at my heart and I seem to relive each day as if it were today....sometimes I am successful at putting my thoughts to rest, but sometimes they just loom before me and hold me hostage. As most of you know, I spent day and night with him over the next 59 days while he was in the hospital, and each day was significant in his hard-fought battle to live despite the disease that was claiming his body. I miss him so very, very much...feeling often as though I am "missing" something..."forgetting something," like we stop sometimes to think as we leave the house..."I am forgetting something," we say, and for me, for now, it is every day. Even though you have all told me to come here and seek comfort, still I hesitate to do so. After coming to the point of my grief at losing our son where I felt I could contribute to helping others heal, I was thrown back into the pit, in a new kind of grief, and it was essentially doubled because when my husband left, the one I talked to most about our Mike, it was our loss, our grief, and our healing. We talked about Mike every day. Every single day his name was mentioned at some point. When my husband died, that "sharing" part of our daily routine ended, and I felt almost as if I had lost Mike all over again. I am making progress on this second journey, but as we all know, grief isn't on a timeline and it doesn't have a one way direction...we can move forward and find ourselves back to a point we thought we'd left behind, without warning sometimes. I have learned through the loss of our son that the moving forward still counts even when we fall back...we still have at one point moved forward and that element remains a part of the journey. Seeing all of the new parents here makes me feel hesitant to come and share when I can't offer that same type of support I could before, and yet, I know that this place, this place of love and comfort and understanding, is where I know that I will always find that "understanding" that helps us make it through to the next day, the next hour. I am so sorry to hear of the losses that have brought new parents to this site...JIM...my heart aches for you as you try to live with the huge pain you carry within. Such a loss as yours is all-consuming, and I can't imagine the enormity of the grief you carry. I understand your grief, as a bereaved parent myself, yet the enormity of your loss, your three girls, is overwhelming. A number of years ago, my sister lost four or her children, and none of us knew what to say...there were no words to comfort, to help with understanding, to reach out with. We were "there" for her, but she was beyond reaching out at that time, and we could only be there and be ready for when she was. SHANNON, TRISTA's mom...so very, very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter, Rachael and your unborn grandson. My heart goes out to you and I hold you in my prayers. I am so glad for your good time with your friend, and that you were able to talk to her about your loss and find comfort in the connection. I am glad you have made a garden for Trista, and for her hummingbird visit with you...the signs we see help us to breathe, help our hearts to rest. We have created a small garden for our son, and now I am incorporating some things in it for his dad. LAURIE: The video is beautiful and reflects the love and pride you feel for this beautiful boy of your. I totally understand your sleeping arrangement. When young Mike died, I continued to sleep on the sofa, where I'd slept for the previous two months as I was his primary caregiver and he did hospice at our home. After my husband died, I slept in his chair in the living room...I felt comforted, almost like being "held," when I was in it. I still sleep there; someday I will return to our bed, but for now, I still need the chair. I "feel" him there more than any other place in the house. LEAH: So good to see your post, and to hear that JaBoa's mom is still working at staying clean. So very sorry to hear that the issues with your grandson have not been resolved yet. I hope you knee is better soon and gives you that one less thing to have to cope with. SUSAN: Your mention of your daughter going to New Braunsfels sparked many sweet memories in my heart. We lived in Texas, just outside of San Antonio, from '72 to '77 (Mike was born there in '75), and had attended the Oktoberfest there a couple of times. We would go to Canyon Lake to swim and once spent a week there in an Army provided trailer. It was such a relaxing place to be, though I expect now it is built up beyond recognition. Thank you for thinking of me and my "hearts" that are so comforting to me. The "double hearts" that we sometimes see now are so very significant for us, as I hope it is showing me that they are together...Mike and his dad, sharing and being. It was our oldest grandson who asked me, just two days after his grandpa's funeral, "What will we see now in two's, Grandma?" I told him we would just have to keep our eyes open. That very day, a trip to the beach to help us find comfort in that connection with the ocean, found us following the footprints in the sand of someone before us, who had been walking in their shoes, and the heel print was "two hearts," one inside of the other. They are with us, always. LORA: Your meeting with the customer who shared her sorrow with you, how wonderful that she was able to talk with you and find comfort knowing that you "understand" truly. (this an edit: I meant to add that I will hold her in my prayers as she travels this new journey and pray she finds comfort and strength. I know her road well, and it is truly difficult. But all here know the difficulties that come with this journey...) And Jared's text to you...awesome. I have seen a medium, quite accidently. He came to a Compassionate Friends meeting, on his own, no exchange of money; his visit was the result of a chance meeting with the leader of our group and he was so kind and so comforting. Told us things about Mike that made us believe. There was NO WAY he could have known about my being so sad that Mike's wife let his baseball cap go with him when they closed the casket. I had shared that with no one except my husband. Never wanted Mike's wife to know. The cap was significant to me as I had attended many baseball games with Mike and he wore that hat every time. The medium, John Holland, told me that Mike was telling him I "didn't have to worry about the cap," that "he has it; let it go." He was also point on with many things for the other grieving parents in attendance. SHERRY: Loved your telling us about little Lisa's flowers turning around and blooming...so beautiful and heartwarming. Loved your hollyhocks...I had tried many times to grow them at our old place, but each time, the deer would get them (or whatever it was that was eating them) before they had the chance to really grow. BECKY: What was the "important day", and I pray all went well for you. DEE: So glad you are in your break time now; I know how much you truly enjoy the time off and the different activities that occupy your summer days. And of course, that new little bit of sweetness in your life...I know you are enjoying her to the limit of your joy. KATE: In my prayers every day for strength and hope to be your daily companions. It is a difficult road you are on, one that leaves you breathless and fearful, yet hopeful each new day that you will have another and another. I am so happy that you and your husband are living each day to the fullest possible and sharing your love for each other as you travel this road. Praying that the news you had recently is a trend and the treatment your husband is receiving is successful. I don't remember reading whether or not you had finally gotten to Jeff's site, but I hope you did and found the peace and comfort you usually find in that beautiful place. My heart is with you both. So very sad for the firefighters and their families. Such a terrible tragedy...the whole community will ache with the sorrow of such a huge loss. Prayers for all of them. Took Jamie (Cathi's youngest, 14) and Damon (Mike's youngest, 8) to see Superman the other day. We had a good time and Jamie and Damon really enjoyed being with each other. I will post the picture they took in the photo booth after the movie. Speaking of movies, "Despicable Me 2" is coming out this week...the first one was one of hubby's favorite movies...he must have watched it over 25 times...we will all try to go together to see the new one, in honor of the man who lives on in our hearts...his joy, his ability to "still be a kid" and the sweet memories of him giving us strength to share this movie we all know he would have loved. He will be there with us, I know he will. LOVE TO ALL HERE.

[ericasmom]

Carol, my heart sings to see your lovely post, so filled with heart and spirit as I have come to know over the many years. Bless you for your goodness and your strength, for the ways in which you survive and teach as you go.

[Mermaid Tears]

I have more words than time now....

Yes Carol.....'the we' that have been led to this site 'needs' to hear from you....you are 'one' of my guides...I share Dee's sentiments about you..you are casting a light for us....and I can only hope that we can lighten up your dark spaces....we are simply all in this together....

Becky....our Warrior Mom....you cross my mind and heart more than you will ever know.....now...more than ever.....share what and when you can....we are here for and with you.

[Jeff's Mom]

Carol, so very good to see your positive and encouraging post. It is indeed a help to read your words of how you stood by Mike throughout his illness and held on tight. Yes, I am very worried about my husband. I know they are giving us hope and feel that we are very lucky. Yet, I saw him this weekend and how weak and tired he looks. He has lost so much weight and has absolutely no energy to do the things he so desires to do. He makes every attempt to put one foot in front of the other...yet he is unable to push through it. He was never a man to down pills of any kind in the past. Sort of a macho thing. Well, that has changed big time. He reaches for anything to help and make it easier. I worry about those times that the pills may no longer be as effective as they are now. We live for today. Yesterday and tomorrow are not in our vocabulary. I feel myself drifting through this as if I am floating along. We heard from our son yesterday and that was lovely. Oh how I wish I had them closer to us. We are just about to head into the city to the hospital for further tests and a checkup. It is very warm, but not unbearable. A typical July day. Yes, I did manage to make it into Jeff's site and water the flowers. It was serene and calming. A flock of pelicans were just lazily drifting along on the water. Time stood still for that hour or so. It gives you a chance to regroup and just put all thoughts and worries on hold. Nature has a way of doing that for me. Thinking of everyone and wishing you a decent day. Love, Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie.....I 'tried' to watch your video....just couldn't make it through it...maybe another day when I am on firmer ground...or not in a pinch for time....there was this old song by the Gatlin boys..called.."I Don't Want to Cry This Early This Morning".....have many irons in the fire today and just don't need another crying jag...but I could feel the 'Mama Love' shining through....