Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Good morning All, Kate glad for your blue skies and sweet breezes, it is dark here and humid, the kind of humid that curls your hair. Actually, I always liked my hair best in humidity, but boy, this is thick. We had storms that shut down O'Hare and Midway airports last night, the wind so strong. I was on the road to a wake in the north section of Chicago. I had to pull over when those gusts first hit. It was a fast moving system, so I only sat for about 10 minutes before the worst of it went through. Then the storm of the HAWKS winning the Stanley Cup, luckily, I was home by the time they won, so I did not encounter the mayhem on the streets in the way of celebration.

I am amazed that Dog is still plugging along Kate, and happy that you have that buddy with you.

Prayers and luck for tomorrow's chemo.

Going to tutor in a few minutes, will talk more later.

[Mermaid Tears]

TML....you have hit a 'sweet spot' in this grief journey....when a parent can recall their Angel's talents, gifts and laughter....I can recall John David's many 'gifts'....I am in such a paralyzed and numb state still....I can recall them when they come through portals...when something triggers the recall....I know that with time...and healing....I will once again come alive...I will have arrived at my 'new normal'....but for now....I know I am simply on that path....as Laurie said...3 steps forward and 5 steps backward.

I just read the posting from a parent that lost her two children..at the same time in a tragic accident....some time back...I read the news story of the Mother and two daughters that were murdered...the Dad escaped...then I read the news story of the two young children that were murdered by their Nanny.....and I was awash with the 'how' could one face that tragedy ?? Where does the energy of living...having to live with...the force to carry one forward in the face of such tragedy come from ?? So horrific to live with.

Later....I read where the Dad remarried.....the parents of the children were 'expecting'.....and I am in awe of the human spirit that seeks to find the meaning of life and living...to move forward...to reach and find the light that still shines. They found their way.

When I was young...my Grama wanted me to know about how things were during WW 11....so we would watch the old movies together and she would tell me how things were.....later....I remember thinking...'would I have been that brave...to be in the underground..to hide Jews in my house...to be a spy...to face all it took to win victory'???

I look at where I am now....and question and second guess myself...it takes a lot of courage to face this grief work..and keep the Faith and come to your personal waterloo....and try to come out to the other side. I don't feel very brave now....I am still in the 'broken' stage....I wish I could figure out how to make the healing faster...but will have to rely on the 'healing hands of time'.

[daveydow1]

Dee-----It was humid here today, too. Then, it started thundering, and we were

hoping for rain. We did get a 15 min. rain----very beneficial for the garden and

cornfields. It also coolded things down, which was a relief, since it was 89 degrees

earlier. ( No A/C yet.... ). I remember, when as a kid, I used to marvel at the

way my younger sisters' hair would curl in humid weather. Although I hoped, ....

no amount of humidity would curl my hair......straight as a poker it was, and

still is.

Susan-----

I agree.....it certainly does take a lot of courage and also physical

stamina to face this grief road, and you are right------it is hard work. I admire

your determination to keep on striving for the 'new normal'. Thoughts & Prayers.

TML57------

Your story of your mom owning a heath food store and the teas when you were

a teen is so nice. When I was a child, I hated tea......either hot tea or iced tea.

Don't remember just when I acquired a taste for tea, but I love it now, and love

all the different flavors that are offered in stores. Your dear Rachael was such

a loving sweet daughter, and always having tea and desserts ready when you

would visit her, shows that she was a caring, gentle girl. On this journey of

grief that we find ourselves on......the good memories come to us, and they

are like golden treasures for us to cherish. Peace to you.

Kate----Sending prayers for you & your husband in his continuing treatments.

WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[TMLeDoux57]

To My Sweet Rachael,

I cry for you. I miss you so much!

I remember when I found out when I was pregnant with you how happy I was that you were a new life beginning within me. How in a dream God gave me He let me know that you were to be a girl.

I remember when you were born how excited I was to meet you face to face. To hold you in my arms and never wanted to let you go. I remember wanting to spend every waking moment with you while you discovered things, foods and emotions. You showed such a zest for life, your desire to learn was so strong and your imagination reached far beyond the stars.

I remember when you became a big sister and older cousin how you wanted to teach and share what you knew, taking pride in the fact that you could. Learning from your older relatives the things that were, not just fun, but interesting to you.

As you grew into a beautiful, talented young woman, you reached out and touched other’s hearts, impacting their lives in one way or another, whether they were family or just someone you shared an interest with. I’m not sure how it could be, but I love you even more.

I loved having the privilege of being there with you all the while you carried and gave birth to my first grandchild. Watching your face as it was my own when you were born. Oh how the love for your little girl shown in you! I thank God with every fiber of my being for the joy I felt when you shared your lovely daughter with me. Watching you with your daughter blessed me beyond words. I enjoyed seeing you interact with so much love and care for the precious gift of a daughter God gave you.

I was so happy to hear that you were carrying another child. I know you were taking the best care of yourself for the love of your unborn baby. I wanted to hear about everything you were experiencing during your second pregnancy as I did for your first. I looked forward to our phone conversations. I loved it that you would call me just to talk, or ask advice on something you knew I had experienced before. I just love hearing your voice!

My brown-eyed baby girl, I’m so proud of you! You grew up to be such a strong, independent woman with a good and loving heart. I could see that you were growing into another ‘Grammie’, a woman who we both loved and respected greatly. You had a very strong love and loyalty to your family and others you chose to love. Your presence is now gone from this world, but your essence lives on in your beautiful daughter.

My life-light has gone much dimmer now that you are gone. The hole in my chest where my heart should be aches with your absence. My world will never be the same.

In loving memory of my daughter, Rachael, may God embrace you and keep you, fill you with His Love and give you peace.

Loving you ALWAYS!

Mom

[ericasmom]

Sherry more rain coming, we have had a few brief showers and storms, more storms coming our way, TO the south, a lot of rain, not good, to the north, Colleen's way, likewise from what I gather on the news. We are in the path for some potentially high powered but not as huge as far as time goes.

My hair is very thick and wavy, I like that but it can get frizzy now that I am older and more prone to frizz than in my younger years. At 57, I haven't much gray but it is coming in a bit more every few months. My parents went gray very late in life.

TML, I too love the remembering about the tea and the health food store. I drink a cup of peppermint or mint tea each night, and when my son was little, he and I would have a cup of chamomile or sleepy time before bed while I read to him. I drink coffee all morning and some in the afternoons, but tea in the evening, and sun tea from the yard in the summer. Love that.

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Tamara, I did not see your last post until now, and I agree, it is a beautiful tribute to your Rachel. Your beautiful Daughter. I love the connection you have with her, it will be this way, always connected and for that, I give great thanks. Life will never be the same, it can't, the shift is palpable in all of daily life, for us, and yet the wheels still spin, the clocks tick, groceries are purchased and meals are cooked, kids attend school, and the local pools open...but for the parents who grieve this kind of loss, all known ways of living have been altered, and it takes time to even find out who we are in this new time. Rachel is sitting nearby, she carries you with her into each moment, just as you do her.

Lora, I love that your neighbor reminds you of your Gram. I am glad for the time you had with Jared and the kids. I remember one month after Erica died, one month exactly, 7 of Eri's girlfriends came over for dinner as it was almost time for them to start leaving for the many areas of the US and world, for college. It was August 14th, 2003. The girls presented me with a gorgeous handmade scrapbook, each page a dedication letter to Eri from each of her friends. Lovely.

Today I came up with the simple wording I want on the t-shirts for our annual backyard ERI-fest. I did t-shirts at the 5 year mark, and as we come up on the 10th, I felt the need.

[Mermaid Tears]

I wish there was a way to send your rain and water to Texas...

I have been 'trying' to think of a t-shirt for all that gathers for John David's angelversary...we shall Bless and release his ashes at Port Aransas.....when I start to 'think and ponder'...there is always somewhere I will 'have to go'....and so I have to be careful of myself...don't want to start a crying jag...and then have to show up..anyway.....was thinking about something like...

John David's Endless Summer....

Dee....did you have them screen printed ?

Lora...I have my 3 Golden Girls that live in my apartment...and I take very good care of them....and love to visit...I take them out to eat and to plays...they are very active...they have a better social life than me...but they give me a feeling of being complete in some way. Do you have two sons ? I thought you only had one...soon....he will be on his way...so very nice that Cara's friends keep you in their hearts and circle....they need that connection to you...even more so than you will ever know. One of Randa's friends passed 15 years ago...and all the friends kept her Mom in their circle....she moved away and still they keep in touch with her.

If anyone has any ideas about what to print on t-shirts...please let me know....

[Jeff's Mom]

I would love to send some water Texas! Plenty to go around. Oh my goodness, it rained cats and dogs all through the night. I was almost afraid to look out into the yard to see a lake and my flowers drowned. What a lovely surprise to see that things were a bright shade of green and everything survived the downpour. Dee, I like the wording for the t-shirt for Eri. How is it possible another year has passed? Lora, how nice to have such a nice neighbour. She does indeed sound like a sweetheart. Oh Dee, I almost forgot...way to go Hawks! Excellent. Jonathan Toews is from my city. So pleased to see them take the Stanley Cup! Well, we are off to the hospital very shortly for another chemo session. Five hour stint and then home with the pump for two days. Can't say we are looking forward to it. This is our Canada Day long weekend coming up and he will most likely be feeling pretty lousy. Still, can't be helped. I am happy to report that the rains have more or less stopped in Calgary. Our son called again last evening to say that the widespread damage was really concerning. Homes with seven feet of mud all around them! They are still going to go ahead with the Calgary Stampede. The animals at the zoo for the most part survived, but they did lose a few. The hippos almost escaped and they had to lasso them! The large cats they moved to the city Jail and put in cells. Unfortunately they lost a lovely giraffe and a few other animals. The Zoo is amazing. Very modern and all new. The damage is in the millions. Anyway, love to all and must get moving. Have a good day everyone. Love, Kate

[ericasmom]

Susan, the first time we did shirts for our gathering was the 5 year mark and it simply said:

ERI-fest 2008 on the front in Pink and on the back we had a little road going into the distance with the words, five years down the road.

This time, on our 10th, we simply have the same white shirts and bright pink writing;

front: ERI-fest

back: It's a PINK thing

What about; Wear his love each day, or Wrap yourself in his love, or He's got your back...

Whatever you decide, it will be a lovely gathering of those who remember him in the purest of light.

I like your Golden Girls story. They are lucky to have you Susan.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you.....this just seems to be becoming this huge mountain to cross over....when I came up with this 'idea' it seemed the good thing to do....but now I don't know....I play 'second guess' myself all the time...never..ever before....but now I have the places rented...children have their vacations on their calendar...GRANDchildren looking forward to being at beach....and I just don't want to do anything. But what parent would want to plan something like this ?

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Laurie, I understand that you feel that the ache and pain getting softer might signify that the loss is less...it is not, the loss is the biggest hole in our lives, but the pain gets less as the good memories begin to fill that hole inplace of the replay of the worst memories. Somehow, I promise, the pain becomes different and the connection to our Babies remains forever strong.

Susan, of course you don't want to do anything, you do a great deal and this grief journey is exhausting. When you have to plan for an event that marks the loss of your Sweetest Heart, you definitely need to check in on yourself, are you resting when you can, are you eating healthy, are you drinking plenty of water...all the things you would have any one of us do if we were in the midst of facing that date and planning an event on top of all the daily life you must handle. Breathe, release, breathe, and know, that you are standing where your Boy no longer can, living your best way in his light. His light is strong, let it shine on you but forgive yourself when it feels dark. He gets that. It will shine again, be patient with yourself.

Living in his light on a yellow shirt might be nice.

[ericasmom]

Kate, love that hockey player from your town. He is humble and sweet and quite a talent.

Good luck on this round of chemo. I wish you all the goodness of the day.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I haven't posted my story of exactly what happened to Trista because quite honestly, I'm not sure exactly what happened. There have been so many layers to this. What I know is that Trista's friend was driving. They were on their way to the pet store. These girls are so into animals and would spend hours at the pet store looking at all the animals and usually making a call or two home trying to talk me into something crazy like a rat or whatever struck them that day. They were driving down a rural road and came to an intersection. There was a stop sign for them but the cross traffic does not stop. This is an intersection they both know well. It is the primary route from Trista's friend's house to ours. We also used to live in the house on the corner of that intersection. This girl that was driving and Trista spent many nights together in that house.

The other girl called my phone at around 7 p.m. I answered thinking she was going to tell me Trista needs a bunny or something like that. Instead she was hysterical and just kept saying, "Mom, I'm so sorry. He was in my blind spot." (Trista and this girl were so close that she called me mom.) I tried to get her to calm down and tell me what happened and where they were. She finally told me where they were and said, "I'm so sorry, Mom. They can't get Trista out of the car." I screamed. I started screaming at my husband to get our youngest in car. I think I went into shock right then. I kept waiting for her to say it was a joke so I could scream at her for saying something so stupid. She didn't. She just kept saying she was sorry. I asked if Trista was ok and she said she didn't know. I asked if she was breathing and she said I think so. I hung up on her and we jumped in the car and hurried to the scene as fast as we could. In the car I called 911 and they told me that they already had paramedics on the scene.

We got there quickly as this intersection in question is only less than 2 miles from our home. I really can't go into anything after that because it's just too hard. Those are the images I see whenever I shut my eyes.

[daveydow1]

Laurie---I, so, understand your avoiding the restaurants that were the favorites of

Jessie David. While these memories can bring a smile in the fleeting thought.......

they may also bring more tears. The flashbacks can be very distressing, I know.

I don't have them much, anymore, but I do remember having them early on after

David's death. They are very heart-wrenching. As to some people in your life

who may have been cut out,......I think that a lot of us here at BI have had the same

experience where people just would not understand the depth of our grief and all

the emotions that go with it. It's not likely that these people would ever understand,

really. Some are just bland about it, but others can presume to tell us just how

we can 'get on with our lives'.....or that we should 'just get over it'. In our rough

road of trying to make any headway in healing, those types of people are quite

upsetting and toxic. They can be anyone who can't or won't try to understand .

They can be friends, neighbors, co-workers, and even family in some cases. In

order to just survive......particularly in the early times after our loss.....we must do

whatever we can to take the necessary steps. If the people have never lost a

beloved child.....then it's possible that they won't understand and try to be a

supportive friend. I have had that same experience, and although a bit saddened

that a friendship fell by the wayside, I guess that the friendship did not mean that much to

the other person. It's the way it is sometimes. Wishing you strength and

comfort on this lousy road we find ourselves. Peace to you.

Kate-----

Glad to hear that your flowers and everything survived the downpour. We

got rain all night last night, but since it had not rained for over 2 wks., the ground

absorbed most of the rain. There is to be more rain tonight.

Dee----

The ERI-FEST shirts will be so pretty. So nice that the seven girlfriends of

ERi's came to your house for dinner, soon after ERi's leaving this world, and the

scrapbook is something to treasure for all time. I remember when a couple of

Dave's friends came to our house after Dave died and visited with us and talked

of all their memories of him. Also an older co-worker of Dave's stopped by and

talked to us. We were so grateful to these guys, and thanked them. I wonder if

they would ever realize to the degree that they helped us. We have since moved

away from that area, but those memories will always be close to our hearts.

Lora-----So nice that you have the 81-yr. old neighbor who reminds you of your Gram.

I'm sure she enjoys your company and interest. My Gram was a wonderful lady...

died a long time ago, and I've never met anyone since who reminded me of her.

Sometimes I wish that I could, but I have enough warm loving memories of her to

last me the rest of my life.

TML57-----Your writing to your sweet daughter, Rachael, is so very heartfelt and

touching.....so well expressed from your heart. She must have been a beautiful

little brown-eyed baby.

Tristamom----So very sorry to read of your dear Trista's accident. It is so

hearbreaking. You are right.....you must have immediately gone into shock.

My heart goes out to you in your sorrow. Please come back to BI.....

Wishing you comfort.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Shannon, it is Shannon right? I hope I have the right name-Mom of Trista. Trista is so pretty, that smile! I know that you are beyond aching right now. Telling your story is very powerful, it may feel that it opens more wounds, but it will help you to tell and retell this sad story, both to let others know and to inform your own self of the events, the sequence, all of this that will assist you when some of the shock wears away.

Your story is dramatic and very sad, the girl calling you Mom and hysterical, the fact that they had trouble getting Trista from the vehicle. I am so sorry, so sorry. Did Trista live beyond the accident?

The replay just under those eyelids is very difficult to deal with, makes sleep very hard to find and rest is just not possible in those early months. That is why we really have to take very good care of our physical selves since our minds get so scrambled due to shock, lack of sleep, and deep deep mourning.

I know that you are torn with the girl at the wheel being a dear friend, so glad that there were no drugs or alcohol, but was the truck driver tested? Is there a way to find what speed he was traveling? Make sure that if you hire a lawyer in a wrongful death suit, that it is someone from your state and versed in highway state and county laws. I hope the best for you in this.

One day the replay will not be as prevalent.

Laurie, not one thing can steal our connections between our kids and us. Not the fast moving train that took my Daughter, not the cancer that took other kids from their parents. NOTHING. It is for all time.

[TMLeDoux57]

Thank you all for your caring comments.

Yes, Rachael was a beautiful person that would light up a room when she entered. Her positive energy could be felt and could sweep you up into her vivacious whirlwind and create wonderfully fun times. She was an awesome young woman.

Like many of you, I'm having my roller coaster moments. Remembering the best of Rachael, but also missing her.

Just about every visit, I would make it a point to take my grown kids out for just plain fun. Other visits, my kids would take me out to the beach, park, bowling, to sing karaoke or to a place they discovered since my last visit. They would introduce and re-introduce me to their friends I haven't seen in awhile. But my most favorite time they spent with me was just sitting and having a conversation. Watching their faces as I learned what was important in their busy lives, where their priorities were, and why. I loved it when they confided in me. It made my heart feel good to know they felt comfortable enough to open up to me. I enjoyed hearing about their antics with their family and friends. Being true to who they are, a couple of humorous young adults holding onto the world and swinging it around by it's tail.

My son has since moved to the Mid-West and closer to his father for a job opportunity. And Rachael... well...

My parents have long ago said that they got my ex in the divorce since he's the father of two of their grandchildren. They've always treated him with respect regardless of how things were between him and I. And now, if there was any animosity left between my ex and me it has be neutralized by Rachael's and her unborn son's deaths. My family members emotionally support us both even though they are grieving as well. They're there when we need someone to talk to and they listen without judgement. I couldn't have asked God for a better family.

[TMLeDoux57]

I read the stories of your loss. It tears at my heart to know that we have been drawn together because of grief. We are all suffering... and sometimes our grief take precedence over another's because it's so personal. It's what we are experiencing as individuals, unique as well as the same.

With that in mind, please accept my apologies for not being more attentive with my comments on some of the posts. I've been feeling unreal, plastic, blah and in a funk that I can't always shake. Sometimes I succeed, but it's never permanent and the grief will always be a companion in some form or another.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Tamara, that sense of feeling blah, plastic, all of that is part of finding out who you are in this loss. You never need apologize for this, it is part of grief. It is part of the process. Nobody here expects you or anyone else here to be at a different place in their grief, we are where we are. I for one, think that you are standing and telling the story of your Girl, of the lives of your family, this takes strength and it takes trust, you are entrusting us with your stories. Thank you.

[NeverAndAlways]

Been reading all your stories and comments and they are all both heartbreaking and touching. Hi y'all. I lost three daughters in a car wreck a little over two years ago. They were with their paternal grandmother (I am their stepfather...they were MINE and I make no apologies for saying that...law and biology have no say so in my heart where I loved all of my babies to all the corners of my being). I have five other kids from a previous marriage. I raised Jenelle and Danielle from toddlers and Savannah would be in high school right now. I miss them so bad and I can't stand being here while they are gone. I see that my living children are good things...I see that having a new baby on the way is a good thing...but none are comforts...none ease loss pain...not even a little.

I'd love to say I've found comfort in faith but faith has been central in increasing agony over their loss. I'd love to say I've found new purpose in some charity or foundation but I really hate being alive all day long. I'd love to pretend to be really together and wizened and strong as a result, but I feel like I have barely endured two years and can't imagine one more. This really sucks and I hate it. I try so hard not to, but two years later I find myself again/still wishing I could have them back. I hate that I am so desperate to hold them. One of them. Any of them. I hate myself for trying to push the grief away. I hate myself for embracing it. I just hate everything.

I thought I would be more together by now. I feel sometimes I am worse now two years later than I was on that horrible horrible horrible day. I feel sometimes I aint built to survive this. I really resent having to fake being okay all day to hold a job, to raise bereaved kids, to comfort a broken mother, and to fight off all the insane people that sabotage you when they think you are too weak to defend yourself. I hate this. I want so bad to let myself just fall down. I am so tired. Sorry if I'm melodramatic...I guess I'm really not sorry for being melodramatic. I don't know why I said that (or bothered correcting grammer and spelling...what the heck is wrong with me?)...thanks for listening. - jim

[TMLeDoux57]

Connecting the happy memories that you shared and enjoyed with your departed loved one to those things that you avoid now will be a step that will happen gradually, if at all, and it will take some longer than others. It's not a measurement of your grief, but it can become a comfort when you are ready. It won't take the grief away, but it will help sooth your aching soul to have her/him closer to you, even for a short period of time. Again, we all grieve differently and at our own pace.

[ericasmom]

I agree Tamara, everyone grieves in their own time, their own way.

Jim, what a horror, to lose three lovely children in a burst of tragedy. I know losing Erica in crash, (train on car) was so shocking to us, and while we were padded by that shock, it felt so horrendous to be standing when she wasn't. That was so so painful and then the shock began to wear off. When it began to do that, I was like a raw open sore, I felt exposed and damaged and unable and then I would find my steps for a time. Then another layer of shock would wear away and there I was again, open and exposed and it all felt so tiring and useless at times, but we do end up standing again, standing where they cannot, and taking them with us as we go. Are talking to a therapist to help you through this really difficult time, I ask because it helps me tremendously and between being here and going to see someone to help me understand my moods and my anxiety, well, it has helped me find my new normal.

My girl died nearly 10 years ago at age 19. I faced my sadness, my fears as we all do in that first year, we have no choice really, but for me, the ensuing anxiety takes me down. I went to see a therapist at around the 6 month mark, stayed for 2 years, then left and remained here, but some other things occurred and I realized I had PTSD. So back to therapy I went for a tune-up. I have had the good fortune of going back to the same therapist each time I need some new tools to help me. I am in therapy again as I face the 10 year mark. I would guess that all the care you give your older kids, your wife/partner, working to make it all work, and expecting a new one has your heart and spirit very exhausted. Please come back and tell us more about you, about the ways you are feeling and about those lovely little girls you miss so.

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jeff's Mom]

Jim, I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I had the answers to all the questions that we are all plagued with. I don't. It is a difficult challenge to keep going on a daily basis and work hard to rebuild our lives without our children in it. We simply do not have a choice. Many days are harder then we can imagine. Yet, we do it. We keep getting up each and every morning and putting one foot in front of the other. There are no options in this. We have to go about it in our own time and space. Nobody has the right to tell us how to or indeed how long to grieve. We are all different. Lora, on a cheerier note I am so very happy to report that the latest news about my hubby's check up yesterday was very positive. We are beyond pleased today and feeling as if we have won a spiritual lottery. As I type this he is sitting beside me in his chair reading the paper with the chemo pump attached until tomorrow late day. The treatments appear to be helping at this point. Blood work coming back very good. I know that when times become the hardest for me and life's challenges appear overwhelming...then I simply take a long breath and step back and focus on the matter at hand. We are just happy for today. Simple as that. It's good to be alive and to be able to enjoy life's gifts. Jeff would have celebrated his birthday on July 16th. I feel deeply saddened and pained at his loss. But I have come to accept it. I don't like nor want it to be this way. But I have come to know that it was not my call. I am not angry at God. No, not at all. Why would I be? He chose to take him to a place that is beautiful and peaceful. I am very confident that we will be reunited again when the time is right.

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[NeverAndAlways]

Laurie, I think you're right about 'sitting in the sorrow'...I just didn't know it was a place I'd have to come back to again. I thought I was in some kind of rebuilding mode...and then took an 18 month leap backwards to where I was when the numb wore off the first time. I guess I'm just surprised to have gone back to square...uh...6 or something? I thought I was playing sorry, but I guess its more like chutes and ladders. My wife likes reading NDEs and things like that...she's a little bookworm and I could change the light in the attic standing on the pile of grief and loss and NDE books she's already been through.

Kate, I guess I resent not having a choice...or I resent HAVING a choice but feeling compelled to choose to keep moving. Either way...it's really aggravating to me. I even get mad at myself for not letting myself crumble and stop. I hear that most dads 'throw themselves into their work' but I resent it instead. Just wondering if anyone else felt that kind of resentment. I am so glad you have some good news! Good news feels rare and feels that much better for it when some finally comes!

Got a friend I'm talking to today...he lost three children in a violent murder 15 years ago. I marvel at his existence...he's a good source for perspective. I miss my babies. I miss Savannah. I miss Jenelle. I miss Danielle. I cry everytime I say that. I thought that part was over. I guess I'm a little glad it returned. They were so beautiful and so special and changed me in so many ways. I love them so much. I can't wait to see them again. I hope they will be proud of how I did on earth. They never called me 'daddy'...but honestly, I rather miss being called 'jim' (or 'chhhim' as Nell used to say).

Jim

[Jeff's Mom]

Jim, you have suffered a terrible loss. It takes ages to be able to cope again. There is no set time frame to this. We are all different. For me, memories flood back each and every day. The pain of his absence is and always will remain with me...and how I deal with that pain each day changes frequently. I find that I resent people that feel I should be over it by now. Frankly, I will not ever be able to get over it. That is not going to happen. But I have slowly started to find myself able to function heading in a new direction. I would rather feel as if Jeff is along with me in spirit and that I am taking him with me along this journey. Hang in there. Go easy on yourself. Try to take good care of yourself and keep healthy. Just remember that you had what many will never experience...deep love. That did not die. Keep posting and talking about your feelings. It really does help.

[daveydow1]

Jim-----I am sorry for your loss of your three beautiful daughters. It is

a part of this journey we're on that we wish and long to have our beloved

children to be back with us. There's no rigid timeline for all the feelings

and emotions that we encounter on this road. Each one must somehow

find their own way. With the understanding we receive here at BI, from those

who know the devastation and sorrow of losing a child, we can take the steps

that are so difficult to take. Wishing you peace & comfort.

Laurie----As you say....some riendships don't survive when we suffer

the loss of a child. We may be a bit saddened about the friendship that has

not survived, but we are just different souls after such a terrible loss. It's

good when we have those who are supportive and understand, but for those

who can say things that only add to our sorrow, then I guess that it is just

part of taking the wee steps that we are trying to take. We will always love and

remember our children who left this world before us.

Tamara----As Dee said----you never need to apologize for not commenting

to posts on this site. In the very early times that you are in right now.....it

is part of the journey to be feeling numb, devastated, and just trying to get

some semblance of your daily life balance. Please come back to BI and

read/post anytime. I am ten years into this journey, now (after the death of

my son in a highway crash) and many years ago, the death of my 6 moth-old baby girl.

When I first found this site......I just read the posts for the better part of a year

before I felt I could post. Just reading the posts helped so much. Peace to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Not long ago, a good friend who is a conservationist volunteer gave me this

article to read. I just never stopped to think about it. These are just the main

points of the article about balloon releases.

The author writes.....

WHAT GOES UP, MUST COME DOWN.

Released balloons rise up in the atmosphere until they burst from the

air pressure, or they just drift in the air currents until they slowly deflate

and end up back on either land or water. They do not go up to 'heaven'.

Most balloons have either string or ribbons attached to them, which also

acts as a form of deadly litter for wildlife, and just being eyesores on the

environment. Many animals mistake balloons or even the strings for food.

When an animal swallows a balloon, it can block the intestinal tract, leading

to starvation and death.

The balloon industry claims otherwise, and is working to keep balloon releases

legal. They claim that the balloons are biodegradable. Latex balloons can take

years to break down, and Mylar ones take even longer. They are not biodegradable.

There are other environmentally friendly ways to mark an occaision, such as

banners, flags, lighting candles, or releasing a floating flower in a waterway.

Anyone care to comment on this article?

[NeverAndAlways]

My gut reaction: While I still have to endure the nonsense and injury that ignorant (even well meaning) people dump on us all the time, I feel no compunction whatsoever about sending up balloons.

If I was sending the first balloon ever I'd probably say "then there's plenty of room on the planet to recieve it".

If the planet surface was covered with them I'd probably say "what's three more then?".

If someone told me an animal choked on it I'd probably say "children die, why not animals?".

If someone told me it offended them and that I was a jerk because of it I'd probably tell them off, feel some added bonus gratifcation, and double my planned release for the next year.

In other words, I already suffered the worst loss, why suffer the sensibilities of people with crippled perspective. I'm a grieving parent...I'm not a saint.

I would probably come up with something really hostile and snotty to say back to the author about how small decisions they make everyday (like looking down at their GPS device while they're driving, or not making sure the foliage near stop signs is trimmed back, or lending a 2000 pound juggernaut to an 18 year old for an unplanned road trip) might kill someone's babies and until they find a way to live perfect, I won't try to either.

Nah, I'd probably be way less polite than that! This is me really restraining my gut reaction! :|

[ericasmom]

Sherry, thanks for the information. We did not do a balloon launch last year at ERI-fest, but not because I was being kind to the environment, which I usually am very kind to it, compost, plant midwest friendly plants...but because last year, there was no helium. NO HELIUM! I thought that was so odd. But as we approach ERI-fest the tenth anniversary, I do hope to release balloons again, though perhaps I should think long and hard on that, perhaps we should pull back on that tradition.

Jim, those many steps/months backwards you have taken are normal in this new normal. I resented that too, but it is a fact of this loss, we make steps and we fall back but the importance of making those steps is that we are still ahead of where we were when we fall back. I remember feeling so low, so in despair a long time ago, when I had taken so many steps backward and wondered why i was back in that position. Then I realized that it was there that I had to reconcile some issues that when I was there the first time, I was not ready to do. So sometimes, this falling backwards is a chance to strengthen something. Your Girls taught you many things you have stated, that knowledge is still there. I can't help but assume that some of what they taught you was how to live in the day, in the moment, kids are so great at reminding us this, so what they taught you is still there, it is covered now in deep grief, but it is still there. I am sure that they are extremely proud of you for finding us here and reaching out for help. Sadly, less men than women do this because of perhaps the internal stigma of needing others, don't know, but the men that have been here have been like you, strong men whose hearts were shattered, like us, just humans trying to find our way back into the sun.

We just got our power back after it went out last evening at around 6:00 pm, dinner time. We had a brief but very powerful storm, lots of rain but huge gusts of wind that downed a tree a few doors down which fell on the power lines killing our power but igniting my friend's garage. Because the garage was right under the live wire and the transformer did not shut itself down, the firemen, some from 5 towns were sent, could not put water on it until commonwealth edison came to shut the transformer's power. Poor Jimmy, his vintage beautiful car, inside and melted. After the storm which lasted all of 30 minutes, the humidity lessened and the skies cleared, thankfully as without power, we had no sump-pump and the water fell quickly. So all is fine, nobody hurt, lots of branches down.

Lora, sounds like a similar day to yours. Stay safe.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I considered doing a balloon release for Trista's Birthday on the 21st. I chose not to because I read about the potential dangers to the environment and Trista took a strong stance on animal rights. My choice was based on what she would want. I would never judge another parent for choosing to do one though. I also read differing views on the potential impact and many people say there is little negative impact especially if you don't use strings.

[Guest]

.

[Jeff's Mom]

My goodness, Lora. So much happening. I am thinking of all of you and praying for the weather to clear and that everyone is safe. I am afraid that we are witnessing the change of the climate on a worldwide scope. Global warming is hitting all of us. It appears that nobody is exempt.

[ericasmom]

The climate is changing causing such odd weather patterns. Lora, so glad that things have settled down some, but so sad that there is a recovery needed for the poor man. The other day there was a satellite photo that showed Alaska with no cloud cover at all, which according to the meteorologist, Alaska should have a cloud cover and the average temps should be in the low 60's I think. It was 100 degrees in several areas of Alaska the other day.

I just began reading a wonderful fiction novel by Barbara Kingsolver, who has written quite in depth on the natural world, but this book discusses some weather changes and some unusual occurrences in the forest. The book is wonderfully written and funny as well as poignant. She is an amazingly talented writer and I feel that this book goes right along with the climate concerns in the world.

I spent the evening with my sisters and my niece, it was very nice, we laughed and laughed, enjoying the time to connect. While making reservations in a restaurant, the young lady asked how many, and two of us said, " five". I think that we felt Erica there, as there were only 4 of us there. Love that Girl.

[NeverAndAlways]

Bring it on...I get uncomfortable below 80 degrees. I've heard a million theories about the crazy weather...everything from ozone to metaphysics. Personally, I prefer the statistical explanation. I had a good talk with my friend (the one who lost his kids many years ago) and he gave me some really unique perspectives on things...always does.

One thing he told me: It took him 5 years to find something he truly enjoyed again. He observed (looking back) that all the things he did in the first 5 years didn't stick with him and he concluded that he didn't really truly enjoy anything new that he started during that period. He only found it less un-enjoyable than all the things he was already doing. Watching my wife...she's spent a lot of time making doll houses, crocheting, cross-stitching, etc...but when asked, she doesn't say its really fulfilling...and slowly, she becomes bored with a hobby and goes looking for a new one again.

So maybe there's something to what he said...

Thinking of you all and your children...Jim

[daveydow1]

I just lost a post that was nearly completed......GRRRRRR...Hate when that happens.

Shannon----I must admit that I have had balloon releases (about several yrs. ago),

and must also admit that I did not give much thought as to the impact of balloon

releases on the environment. People use balloon releases to mark all kinds of

events.......birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, etc. I remember several years ago

when it was no longer popular to toss rice at the bride & groom after the wedding

ceremony. That seems to have fallen out of favor, and guests are given bubbles

to use outside the church when the couple comes out. Things change.

To be on the safe side, I guess I will skip balloon releases anymore.

CARA----CARA----CARA-----REMEMBERING YOU, SWEET ANGEL.

Lora----I hope that the weather in your area has settled down. I'm sorry to

hear that there is a man missing. Thoughts & prayers.

Dee----

Goodness....your area had a worse storm than we did. We did get the storm

about 6:30 and it rained buckets and we had wind. Luckily no trees came down.

Sorry about the electric going out and the man's garage burning up with his car.

Glad that there wasn't anyone actually in the garage at the time. 100 degrees in

Alaska ??!! Yes---there is something going on with global warming causing all

the erratic weather patterns....another contoversial subject.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Mermaid Tears]

I do so wish that some of that rain would come to my part of Texas...but...the storms can render a lot of damage...please 'hunker down'....that is what we say when we mean...take cover.

Neverand Always....I have a very hard time to wrap my mind over your loss...heartache..heartbreak..grief walk...and the path you are on to find a 'new normal'....I have mentioned that I am only here for about 25%....the other 75% is numb..paralyzed..angry...sad...and grief is such a heavy physical burden. I posted some time back about how I wonder parents can get through losing more than one child...for it is horrific. I walk in the shoes of a parent that lost one son....and if I have learned ANYTHING in all this...is that one doesn't really know or understand til they have walked in your shoes. I will tell you honestly I 'can't' fathom your grief. I can tell you that we will listen..hear you..we can empathize with the common thread of grief that we all share on this site. I find myself 'doing ok' for awhile....and then I slip back..and find myself on my knees again...the pain so hard and sharp I can hardly breathe....and then I have to come up 'for air'.

I am in a foreign land...and so are so many on this site...I am not 'myself' anymore. Dee said...'our lives changed when that baby was put in our arms.....our lives changed when that child was taken from our arms. Of Course. You say you are a Step Dad....so is my husband...and I will tell you that this man loved that boy...and everyone in our town..circle..family...would 'never' even whisper...that John David was not his 'son'...in fact...he has suffered..and recently had open heart surgery...we know it was the stress from his broken heart that brought it on. I am watching him pretty close, for I know on some level that I am stronger and he is broken. He will heal in time..and so will I. Was thinking the other day....I wish I did not have this 'strength'...and could just have a knock down- blow out emotional and physical breakdown...and just walk away and cocoon myself for a year. This site has been the only place for me to relate...and find comfort....for I find that I am not abnormal...I am just in mourning.

[ericasmom]

Susan, so beautifully said, your heartfelt words sing in my heart; I am not abnormal...I am in mourning.

I keep forgetting to say to Jim and anyone else that also wishes to just lie down and curl up and have a total breakdown, I remember feeling that and at the moment that thought registered, I thought of someone scooping me off the floor and making all of my decisions for me, and that was that! NO, I had lost enough, I did not also want to lose what tiny thread of control I still harbored. And so here we are, trying to figure out what is good and what can be left by the wayside.

Jim, many folks do try new things, it is in effort to fill time, to learn something new, to try to find a new niche, and so that kind of behavior is actually a good thing for many. Some of what we try is what we love down the road. I do believe that our Angels are cheering every time we try something, even if it is a walk around the block, they cheer and say; Look my Dad, my Mom is trying to hear the birds again, or is enjoying the breeze in her hair...they want us to stand where they cannot. My belief anyhow.

Sherry, it is a gray day today but nice and cool which I adore, just low 70's. Tomorrow, sun is expected and mid 70's. We'll see.