Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

SUMMER GIRL

JESSICA

JESSIE

I hope that your birthday was spent relishing the moments with MOM and DAD, all your friends and especially with your beloved SON, TAVIAN. My he looks like you Jess.

Peace Sweetie girl, let Momma know that you are always near.

[hessley0503]

My dear friends...I sit here tonight sleepless as usual but with an extremely heavy heart. You see at this time 3 months ago I was rushing to get the last set of fingerprints and the last looks into the little bit of blue my Rai had in her almost completely dialated eyes. I was searching so hard to see that one single dimple I hadn't seen in 5 days but couldn't find it because that beautiful smile was no longer there to see. I was listening to the beats of her hearts beat for the final times in her chest. I was kissing her forehead promising my sweet little angel I would be strong and take care of everyone and I would stand tall and forever tell her story and make sure her light shined as bright as it could. I had by now asked my sweet husband, mom, dad, and best friend to kiss our angel good bye and give me some final moments with my baby girl. The final moments just me and my own personal inspiration and hero. Because you see at 3:45am Eastern time our organ transplant coordinator Jessica took our Rai to the OR for us and stayed with her until that hero could give her final amazing gift to this world LIFE!!! So as we speak now her heart is beating, her kidneys are functioning, and her liver is going strong among countless other things that I am so proud of her for. The thing I am having such a hard time with is that I am not so sure how much longer mommy can stay standing strong. I can keep spreading her story and making sure her light is shining bright but this hurts. My body is hurting physically worse than any other pain I have ever experienced. And I had all 3 of the girls without epidurals and this hurts so much worse. I am trying so hard. I know I made all the right decisions and I am at peace with all of them. I know they say it gets worse before it gets better. But I thought I was doing so well coping. Maybe its just be an external show for others and inside I am just slowly losing ground. I picked up her laptop today...it had broken before the accident and so I had taken it to the shop to be fixed so now I sit here on her computer. I won't let anyone else even touch it. It is now mine. So afraid someone else will mess it up. Crazy I know. Well guess I have vented all I can for now....thanks for listening

Tracie

Missing my "Rai" of sunshine

[hessley0503]

My dear friends...I sit here tonight sleepless as usual but with an extremely heavy heart. You see at this time 3 months ago I was rushing to get the last set of fingerprints and the last looks into the little bit of blue my Rai had in her almost completely dialated eyes. I was searching so hard to see that one single dimple I hadn't seen in 5 days but couldn't find it because that beautiful smile was no longer there to see. I was listening to the beats of her hearts beat for the final times in her chest. I was kissing her forehead promising my sweet little angel I would be strong and take care of everyone and I would stand tall and forever tell her story and make sure her light shined as bright as it could. I had by now asked my sweet husband, mom, dad, and best friend to kiss our angel good bye and give me some final moments with my baby girl. The final moments just me and my own personal inspiration and hero. Because you see at 3:45am Eastern time our organ transplant coordinator Jessica took our Rai to the OR for us and stayed with her until that hero could give her final amazing gift to this world LIFE!!! So as we speak now her heart is beating, her kidneys are functioning, and her liver is going strong among countless other things that I am so proud of her for. The thing I am having such a hard time with is that I am not so sure how much longer mommy can stay standing strong. I can keep spreading her story and making sure her light is shining bright but this hurts. My body is hurting physically worse than any other pain I have ever experienced. And I had all 3 of the girls without epidurals and this hurts so much worse. I am trying so hard. I know I made all the right decisions and I am at peace with all of them. I know they say it gets worse before it gets better. But I thought I was doing so well coping. Maybe its just be an external show for others and inside I am just slowly losing ground. I picked up her laptop today...it had broken before the accident and so I had taken it to the shop to be fixed so now I sit here on her computer. I won't let anyone else even touch it. It is now mine. So afraid someone else will mess it up. Crazy I know. Well guess I have vented all I can for now....thanks for listening

Tracie

Missing my "Rai" of sunshine

[ericasmom]

It is not all external and for show, it will hurt more than anything for a while, it just has to. You are strong, your body and mind feel beaten, but take your lead from the words you spoke, you will shine her light, and you have and when you feel up to it, you will again. She is proud of you, you are her HERO.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, I know I have not really posted anything in awhile, it has just been so hard, sometimes I can hardly read the post let alone write anything, I have been just losing myself in my drawing, the 4 month mark hit me really hard, and on top of that with my middle son Brett still not speaking to me ,I have not seen my grand children in 4 months , anyway I just wanted to tell you all I am still here .

Traci, your daughter was so beautiful. and I understand how you feel, somedays I feel like I just go through the motions just numb. my son was also an organ donor , they were only able to use his heart valves, some ear bones and a leg bone and tissue,skin, and his corneas ,so I feel like a part of him is still alive .I know exactly what you mean when you said you were physically hurting I too feel that way. I was glad to see you are going back to school. that is wonderful.

Kate, I am so sorry for what you have been feeling, Happy Birthday . Hugs to you

Gretchen, Happy Birthday

sorry I don't have enough time to say something to everyone, Just know I am reading and thinking and praying for all of you. I came across some pictures I took of Brian

[Jeff's Mom]

Brenda and Tracie...I just want you to know that I understand what you are saying completely....sending you both love and HUGS! Take care.

Kate

[westleysmom]

Kathy-I'm sorry I wasn't on this weekend to wish JESSICA a happy birthday. Tavian's happy birthday to his Mommy was so sweet.

Gretchen and Kate-I'm afraid I missed your birthdays as well. Happy belated birthday to you both.

Tracie-So sorry that the weight of your loss is so heavy right now. It is a rollercoaster especially at first, and we can't get off. All we can do is hang on and try not to go crazy. It will ease in time, but I have found that it is always possible to find myself back in the ER looking at him and thinking that it wasn't really happening, this is a nightmare and I have to wake up, HE has to wake up. Hugs to you.

Carol-Hope Mike's feeling better today.

Becky-Hope the hand continues to get better.

Thinking of you all and hoping that you have as good a day as you can.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

‎42 weeks today, Jared. ♥ U Infinity! No longer can I hold your hand.... now I'm holding on to the promise of heaven...

[tobyfreefoot]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATE!

Tracie...you are doing great. it may not feel like it. we all have terrible ups and downs. i don't know for how long. my son has only been gone a year this month but i thought i was doing well then discovered i wasn't, then i was, then i wasn't. it just seems to go back and forth for most of us that haven't been here for too long. reading about your beautiful daughter's life saving gifts was so wonderful and at the same time i wondered what that is like. my son died at the scene so donations could not be made. i was thinking though when i read it how rai was able to help others while still keeping her SELF intact was so nice. if you understand what i mean. how she has left her body behind to save others while her love and spirit abide.

Carol-always thinking of you and your husband

hope everyone else is hanging in there and staying cool

[rlolheiser]

I have such a headache today, I think it is the weather, it isn't really hot right now.. just working on being muggy.

Carol, my prayers are being sent for your whole family, I pray Mike feels better soon.

Kate, Happy birthday... I'm thinking of you, I hope you feel your angel all around you today.. your very loved.

Dee, I didn't think you had a craby bone in your body :-)

Tracie, thinking of you..

should say more.. but heading out, maybe I can lay down.. kids are being good.. (at least til I lay down) :-)

[mikesmum]

This is from Mike/Ralph's Carepages. I'm sure Carol won't mind my sharing this with you all. Prayers for this couple. I stand in awe of their love, commitment & strength..

I'm posting this for my mom (Carol). She wanted me to let everyone know that Dad is undergoing an emergency endoscopy today to figure out why he can't eat and why he's in pain. One of the reasons for this is to rule out a spread of the cancer to his esophagus. Dad urgently needs your prayers, wishes, positive energy and thoughts for a positive outcome of this endoscopy, that he can overcome whatever it turns out to be, and that his pain and discomfort will be alleviated soon. We all thank you for continuing to send them! Mom will post updates when she can.

Thanks everyone for your support!

- Cathi

[mikesmum]

Just spoke with Carol. Mike/Ralph has had the gastroscopy. First report is possibly thrush, biopsies have been taken.

While weary Carol is staying strong...as is Mike/Ralph who came out of the procedure 'singing'. As I have said, I am in awe of their strength and enduring love.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

[Jeff's Mom]

Just spoke with Carol. Mike/Ralph has had the gastroscopy. First report is possibly thrush, biopsies have been taken.

While weary Carol is staying strong...as is Mike/Ralph who came out of the procedure 'singing'. As I have said, I am in awe of their strength and enduring love.

Thank you, Trudi. That is wonderful news and I hope that Carol will be able to get a decent sleep tonight. My thoughts and prayers are sent their way. Please keep us informed if you are able. Hope all is going well your way. Thinking about you too!

Becky, yes...how terrible to see the loss of innocent lives cut short in their prime. May they rest in peace.

Gretchen, Linda and Brenda...thank you for your birthday wishes. My husband and I have come down with a summer cold or virus. We decided to put any birthday plans on hold and just take it easy today. I slept for a couple of hours today wrapped up in Jeff's housecoat. I lay on his bed as I was feeling unwell and felt a chill from off of the lake. I was too lazy to grab a blanket and took his housecoat from his clothes closet. I slept like a babe surrounded by the warmth of his housecoat still smelling of his scent. It was so comforting.

Sending you warm thoughts and hopefully you will all have a comforting and peaceful evening. Take care.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Kate, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Oh that virus, I think I had a day or two of something that made me tired and pale, but I was out of town and doing some work so I could not rest much. It did feel like a virus though. Better now. I wish you to feel better and good to put off plans until you feel better. That nap sounds delightful, wrapped in your Boy's housecoat.

SUPER HUGE PRAYERS FOR MIKE and thank you Trudi for relaying the messages from Ralph's page. Poor Mike going through so much, another surgery...and Carol, the champion of her Man, finding ways to get him the care he needs most when he needs it. Deep prayers then, for them both. Hopefully, resting well and medicines to address the issues.

Well I was at a workshop in Boston, did not tell anyone until now, now that I am home. I applied to a wonderful workshop in Boston back in April and was accepted to it on my birthday in April. It is called The Summer Poetry Institute for Educators and is held each year at Boston University, run by Robert Pinsky, three time Poet Laureate. He was with us each day as were some wonderful other poets of national and international fame: Louise Gluck, Heather McHugh, and ...oh I forgot his name, so good. I will get it. Anyhow, the institute brings educators together to write curriculum for other teachers interested in teaching poetry to their students. Many teachers do not teach it. I worked with other teachers who work in elementary ed, I was one of 9. One other was from out of town, she was from St. Louis.

There were larger groups for middle school with several coming in from out of town but the bulk being Boston area based.

STill larger were the two groups of high school teachers. One came from outside Paris, though American and teaches at the American School there. One young man teaches on a Navajo Reservation on the high desert in Arizona. Just a wonderful experience.

My husband and I drove, we left on July 14th, the 9th anniversary of ERi's actual death. I have not left during July for 9 years, much less on her dates, but when I filled out the paperwork to apply for this, I felt her smiling at the thought of it. We drove to Buffalo NY the first day, and into Cambridge the second where we stayed right on the Charles River. Each day I walked the mile and half to campus, sometimes with my husband and sometimes alone. Each evening I hiked back. It was lovely. Several nights found me working on my lessons in my hotel room. One night though, we took public trans from university to Boston to have dinner with Heather, one of Erica's good friends from Kalamazoo, Michigan, who has since, moved to Boston. I have not seen Heather since 2003. She went to Montana to college after Erz died, and then moved. It was very special and very moving to see her and meet her boyfriend, a very nice man. So funny, right there in the restaurant, there was a table with a family from the school I teach here in Oak Park Illiniois, the boy, Miles, was my student. So funny.

After the 5 day workshop, we drove to Plymouth to be with my sister in law, (former but always my sis, she is sister to my first husband) and we got to see her grandkids and two of her four sons and their wives. WE were busy for sure and we made sure that we went to the nursing home where her dear husband John has been for a number of years now, Advanced Parkinsons for a long time. Poor John, he is one of the brightest people, so full of life and now all of that is trapped in a body he can not control, and no voice comes with his words, he wants so badly to tell us things. Prayers for him, for his dear wife, Carol who like our BI Carol, champions life for her Man.

So we left Plymouth on Sunday early and drove to Erie Pennsylvania, stayed there overnight and came home today.

I have not been gone from home for more than 4 days in a few years, so this was big for me. The workshop was an honor to be a part of, with daily readings by wonderful poets and work with wonderful teachers. Nothing better.

Now home, it is hot, but I guess that is what we are going to have.

Continued prayers for those victims and all those affected by the heinous acts of one disturbed young man. I can't stop watching TV about it, and I end up sobbing and sobbing, knowing the depth of the loss but not knowing the breadth of this kind of horror on a community. Bless them all Lord.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Kate, and Gretchen too, I think.... Happy Birthday!! Hope you had a good day! Dee, so happy you got away and had such a good time!

I am very sad this evening, the 42nd week since I lost my beautiful 15 year old boy. As the sun drops, I am reminded of the events of that evening, which still pretty much torture my thoughts, particularly on Mondays...The picture I posted earlier, was my accomplishment for today.

[Jeff's Mom]

Becky, thank you for your kind wishes. I think the picture you posted was a lovely tribute to those that lost their lives and to their families. And so that was a HUGE accomplishment for today. Well, it is an ongoing process. Each day brings another hurdle to jump. But with determination and strength it can be done. Today as I lay on his bed surrounded by the warmth of his being I just felt an inner peace. It gave the strength to let go and for the first time in ages I slept like a baby surrounded by my boy. Love is huge. It can't be broken or destroyed by separation. It comes from that very pit of our souls. It is a beauty that words cannot describe. It is pure and never ending. That is who my Jeff is and always will be. And I am convinced that I will see him again one day when it is right. I just have to give my trust up to God. Rest in peace, my wondeful, loving son. I will love you for all eternity.

Dee, that is just wonderful that you had the opportunity to take part in this course. I know your love for poetry. Good going. Glad you had such a great time.

[Sholl1955]

Tracie,

I know how you feel. My dear daughter Sarah died on March 14th and this 4th month has been a very very hard one. The pain is worse and I didn't think that was even possible. I so want it to get better but just don't believe it wil. The hard thing is that there is no one to really talk to about it. My friends want me to be my old self and cannot handle the pain so i don't share. My wonderful daughter (younger sister to Sarah) cannot talk with me about my pain because she is suffering so with the grief of losing her sister, confidant and best friend. I am beginning to think I have lived my life the wrong way. I have always believed that I was put here to help other people and have spent my life caregiving. I am a nurse and have tried to be here for people who are hurting and needs encouragement. However it feels like it is easier for people to just walk away rather than to help bear the pain. Maybe that is the way I need to live my life. I have never felt so alone. I am trying to hang on and trust that it will get better even though my heart doesn't believe that right now. Maybe we can lean on each other as we maneuver this sad lonely road.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I meant the picture of my son, the one with the mom and little boy in it, that was what I created and posted earlier today. The second picture posted, I can't take credit for, someone else created that for the victims of Colorada. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

No longer can I hold your hand... now I hold on to the promise of heaven.

Becky, thank you for your kind wishes. I think the picture you posted was a lovely tribute to those that lost their lives and to their families. And so that was a HUGE accomplishment for today. Well, it is an ongoing process. Each day brings another hurdle to jump. But with determination and strength it can be done. Today as I lay on his bed surrounded by the warmth of his being I just felt an inner peace. It gave the strength to let go and for the first time in ages I slept like a baby surrounded by my boy. Love is huge. It can't be broken or destroyed by separation. It comes from that very pit of our souls. It is a beauty that words cannot describe. It is pure and never ending. That is who my Jeff is and always will be. And I am convinced that I will see him again one day when it is right. I just have to give my trust up to God. Rest in peace, my wondeful, loving son. I will love you for all eternity.

Dee, that is just wonderful that you had the opportunity to take part in this course. I know your love for poetry. Good going. Glad you had such a great time.

[ericasmom]

Becky, the photo work and message are wonderful, speaks for each of us here. And you at 42 weeks of loss, one day is far too long and add to that all those days. I know. Here I am trying to figure out what was a weekly manifestation long ago, when my life changed. I stopped counting weeks when years piled up but once in a while, I count up the days, we are well over 3200 days of living without Eri's physical being. But oh that spirit, living on and keeping us afoot.

Trudi, how goes it? Is winter's hold letting loose a bit? How are Mal and Steven doing? How are Melissa and the children?

Robert's Mom, good to see you recently. I am glad that the medium was able to tap into Robert and give you and your Son a sense of peace. Glad too, that you went to California for the time.

[ericasmom]

Sandra, I know that your wanting to believe that the pain will ease is a good thing even if it is impossible to believe at this point. I get that alright, it was impossible for me too way back then. It really is a time that all shock seems to have worn away and leaves you cold and vulnerable and raw. I never was so lonely as that time and the subsequent 5 or so months, in part because even though you have folks here knowing what it feels like, and you have loving family, the loss is individual to each. Losing Erica was different for us each, my Son would not talk about it with me nor with his Dad. He was alone in his life at that time, surrounded by friends but alone, just as your Daughter is now and you are too. We isolate in ways we don't even know we are doing in order to have that time we need to constantly relive and review life with our Child/Sister, and because nobody outside this grief really gets it, nor do we want them to, we have a built in isolation room within us. Some folks stay there permanently and others find ways to preserve that private space while interacting with the world. It takes time and it takes patience with oneself to find your path. I am nine years out and I still talk with my Girl each day and it still makes my heart full knowing that I can talk to her. Life has changed and there is no going back, but there is a life that you will find that can bring joy to you again, it just really needs time. Odd, time is needed and yet time becomes the most abstract entity that I can think of.

I will post a poem I wrote soon after ERICA died as I think it speaks to most who have been devastated in this way.

[mom24]

Hi everyone. I know I haven't posted here for a very long time. For those who don't know me, I'm Zachs mom. He was in a car/train accident in November 2011 in the early morning. I miss him so much still. Today would have been his 22nd birthday. The first birthday since his death. Today is bittersweet for us. I took today off work and plan on spending it with our family. We have no definate plans other than letting some baloons off at his gravesite. Any advice as to how to get through this day would be helpful.. It's ten am and the tears are flowing more than they have in awhile. So much has changed in our lives since I have last been on here. My hubby and I are fine now. Things were pretty rough there for awhile, but I think that is pretty common after losing a child. My daughter got married and is expecting her 1st child. At her 20 week Dr appointment/sono we found out her baby has non functioning kidneys and lungs and will not live long after birth.... My heart breaks knowing my daughter will soon be like all of us in grief over losing a child. I spend time with her every day and pray for her and our family. I still don't understand the why's, but I haven't lost my faith. My grandchild will be be placed next to my son and we are again making funeral arrangements in advance. God help us get through this day. Zach, we miss you so much and hope your happy on the day of your birth. You were my first child, and are so loved... Rachael.

[ericasmom]

Oh Rachel, the sadness of loss. I am so sorry for the knowledge of this future loss, how is your Sweet Daughter? My niece had a similar pregnancy soon after Eri's death, her fetus was diagnosed as Trisome 18, a genetic mutation and he was delivered at 5 months so as not to continue the pregnancy for what was a non-viable fetus. We were with her through the ordeal, the loss. She has since had two healthy wonderful children. I am glad that you are able to be so supportive in your Daughter's case, and that together, you have made plans for this child to be with his uncle.

As far as what to do on this first birthday in heaven? Do what moves you today. Cry and cry some more, let those balloons fly and we tie messages to ERi on them. Some people put forget me not seeds inside the balloons so to spread flowers upon their landing. I sometimes made Eri's favorite meal or a cake to show her we will still light a candle on her special day. What ever you do, it is right, it is blessed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET ZACH, may your new home be filled with peace and joy and song and dancing and all things you love.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos. I haven't been on for a short while----some computer problems

again.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ANGEL---- ZACH.

Carol-----Sending prayers for Ralph and your whole family.

Becky----I watched the video concerning distracted driving. Thanks for the posts.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ........KATE AND GRETCHEN (sorry I'm late)

Dee----So glad that you are back to BI again, after your seminar. I had the grandies

this last couple days, so was quite busy. Boys ages 5 and 7 sure keep me busy.

PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Zach!! My heart to you Rachael! We did a balloon release with all of my son's close friends at our house on his first birthday in heaven which would have been his 16th birthday here. It was a good day, made everyone feel good to send their messages on those helium balloons, and watch them all take off together, heavenward. I hope you can have a good day as well. God bless you!

Hi everyone. I know I haven't posted here for a very long time. For those who don't know me, I'm Zachs mom. He was in a car/train accident in November 2011 in the early morning. I miss him so much still. Today would have been his 22nd birthday. The first birthday since his death. Today is bittersweet for us. I took today off work and plan on spending it with our family. We have no definate plans other than letting some baloons off at his gravesite. Any advice as to how to get through this day would be helpful.. It's ten am and the tears are flowing more than they have in awhile. So much has changed in our lives since I have last been on here. My hubby and I are fine now. Things were pretty rough there for awhile, but I think that is pretty common after losing a child. My daughter got married and is expecting her 1st child. At her 20 week Dr appointment/sono we found out her baby has non functioning kidneys and lungs and will not live long after birth.... My heart breaks knowing my daughter will soon be like all of us in grief over losing a child. I spend time with her every day and pray for her and our family. I still don't understand the why's, but I haven't lost my faith. My grandchild will be be placed next to my son and we are again making funeral arrangements in advance. God help us get through this day. Zach, we miss you so much and hope your happy on the day of your birth. You were my first child, and are so loved... Rachael.

[shorty16]

Becky, JD’s Mom – I am sending you love and support for JD’s first heavenly birthday. We did the same thing on Brian’s 1st angelversary. We rented a helium canister and filled balloons with helium and notes. It was a very difficult day. But, I am here to tell you that you will not always feel this bad. I know that is hard to believe, but I am living proof. The missing never goes away, but the sick-to-your-stomach feeling and the ache-in-your-soul will subside. Both of which I never knew even existed.

Rachael – Zach’s Mom – You are also going through a very difficult time. I know the total “surreal” feeling not believing that our child is gone. I am sending love to you also for this most difficult journey. Please know that others have walked before you and try to provide a glimpse into what you should expect.

Sarah’s Mom – People do not know what to say after we have lost a child – so they say nothing at all. Some people cannot even comprehend our pain; therefore, turn away from us when we need them most. My family and friends have changed since Brian’s death 4 years ago. Some close family and friends cannot even talk about Brian. Other family and friends have stepped up from the perimeter of my live. Please do not stop being who you are. Helping and loving other people is a core principle that should be encouraged. You may find that helping others helps you also.

Dee – Boy, am I enjoying this 80 degree weather and rain in the morning. Tomorrow, WI has another heat warning – Heat index of 105. The humidity is tough to handle also. Are you keeping the garden watered? What a job, hey!!

Carol – My prayers are with you as you go through yet another health issue with you hubby. You know that I have “Called All Angels” to your side to help you through this. Please consider me virtually right by your side.

I send my love to all of us who find themselves on this terrible journey. We just want understanding and compassion. Here is where we will get that.

Colleen, Brian’s Mother 4ever

[shorty16]

Hello everyone

Here are pictures of

1. Christmas Catus that bloomed until after Easter.

2. Minature Pansies that grew everywhere, but where we planted them. but, WOW did they bloom

3. A sunflower with our friend the Bee on it.

Enjoy

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4-ever

[Jeff's Mom]

Colleen...thanks, for your lovely pictures. How cheery! The pansies are so hardy, yet look very delicate. A Sunflower is a very uplifting and cheerful plant. The Christmas Cactus is beautiful!

Rachael's mom...I hold you close and wish you a sense of peace that you will soon find.

Leah....hope you are doing fine. Thinking of you and wishing you well.

Carol...always in my thoughts and prayers.

Brenda...how are you managing?

Susan...if you are out there? Thinking of you and your sweet girl.

Maddy...How goes it? Are the kids enjoying the holidays? How is the photography class?

Trudi...Are things starting to look better for your husband as far as his therapy? How are you managing?

Sherry...always love your posts. Look forward to hearing about life in your area. Hope you do get that rain soon. They are calling for a rainy day tomorrow. Not great for us, as it is our Film Fest Week. Still, we really need it. I hope that you and your husband were able to salvage some of your crops. At what point is it past the date? I noticed farmers out in their fields on Sunday as we drove into the city that were already cutting down crops. Perhaps for hay.

Dee...I was really pleased to see that you were able to attend the writer's workshop. I know it is your love. I am putting in first request for the first collection of poetry.

Linda...I was so pleased to see that you are starting to find a sense of peace.

Susannah...if you are still reading...you are still in my thoughts. I hope all is well with you and the family.

Betty and Betsy...forgive me if I get you confused. Hope you are all doing well.

Gretchen...How are you?

Louise...appreciate your support. Thank you.

A truly perfect day. Despite the colds we have we managed to enjoy a lovely summer's day. Holding you all close and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kate

[summergirl]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Sweet Angel Zach.... Rachael, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through such a painful day, each day is painful I know but there are certain ones that bring us to our knees....I am so sorry also for knowing of the future loss that you will endure, my heart aches for your daughter having to do what she is.....Hugs and Prayers

Colleen - beautiful flowers !!

Today I went to the dentist (hate it) to begin the process of having a lot of work done but necessary work....After I lost Jessica I put "me" aside, stopped doing the things I needed to do - like the dentist - I was so busy taking care of Tavian and just trying to get through the minutes, hours, days... I made sure Tavian was taken care of, doctors, dentist, physicals but neglected me so now I am paying for it....Thank goodness I have amazing insurance from my job so it costs me nothing to go to the dentist....today I had 4 teeth pulled, 2 upper left and 2 upper right - my dentist is great so no pain but right in the middle of it all I begin to cry, tears are rolling down my cheeks into my ears as I am laying flat in the chair...my dentist thinks he is hurting me, the nurse is saying "it's ok, we are really good and we will take good care of you" and I can not talk to tell them that I am having a "meltdown"...I was slammed with thoughts of Jessica, her birthday, everything and the tears just wouldn't stop.....Afterwards I explained to the nurse what happened and then she had tears...Wow, you just don't know when it is going to hit... As I was driving home I got a call from the camp telling me that Tavian had a "toothache" and could I come get him, picked him up and he was FINE....he was so worried about me as he knew I was going to the dentist and Mi-Mi is scared so he needed to see me.. he has been taking care of me since we got home....made me soup while I was in the shower and said "you always take care of us Mi-Mi so now we have to take care of you when you don't feel good" I am so very blessed to have my daughter's son and as I tucked him into bed tonite I thanked her for the priceless gift she left behind as she knew we would need each other, we save each other ....

To those who are new here - when I first came here I was so lost, I was tired of people, family, friends telling me how, what, when, where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do with my grief - my daughter went out to dinner with friends and never came home and I was supposed to "move on, get over it, she was in a better place, be strong, it gets easier, it gets better, Jessica wouldn't want you to be sad, on and on and then I found BI and the family here showed me that I was not alone, I did not have to do anything anyone told me to do, I could be who I was - a grieving mother - I could tell them everything and they understood, they made me strong, stronger than I ever thought I would be again....it took a long time but day by day I took steps, some forward and some backwards but the day came when I actually laughed out loud, I started to do small things and found that I enjoyed myself and it was then that I knew I was on the road to healing....now I am 6 years plus and I have found a new way to live life, I still miss her every day, I still long for her hugs and laughter, I still have meltdowns and I still have moments when I don't know how I do what I do....Believe me, it does get softer, never better or easier but softer....so hold tight each day, do what you must to take steps, breathe in and out, cry when you want but most of all NEVER let anyone tell you what to do....I lost friends and I gained new ones.....There is no greater loss than that of a child and only those who walk this journey know what that is like

I must say good night as I need to get some rest....Love, hugs and peace to all, Kathy, Jessica's mom always

Tavian and Pop-Pops new dune buggy (Hubby has been building it since Spring, still a lot of work to be done to finish it but they had a little test ride tonite)

[ericasmom]

Kathy, take good care with your teeth, glad that you went and are healing.

Kate, the workshop was for writing curriculum for teachers so not about my own writing, though I thank you for your kind words concerning my poetry. I sure do like to write. This whole aim for the poetry institute I attended was for teachers to find ways to teach poetry to kids through reading poetry, having them listen to poetry, having them read and select their favorite poems and gain an appreciation for it where as many teachers avoid it like a sickness. If ever you want to access the program outline and ideas, google Favorite poem project. You will see the thoughts on this program.

Col, pretty flowers. Our giant sunflowers are bending to the weight of their large heads and mostly eaten seeds by the finch. Lovely. Finally saw our fun hummingbird yesterday hanging out on the cardinal flower. It is going to be super hot today, but in the 80's tomorrow so I will look forward to that . Some big trees pulled right out of the ground yesterday during the storms. sidewalk pulled right up with it. WILD.

[westleysmom]

Kathy-Hope you feel better soon. Tavian sounds like he's a good nurse to have around his Mi-Mi.

Dee-We haven't had storms for a few days, but its very hot again in TN. I think Friday is our next best chance for a storm, we've caught up on our rain somewhat and had to mow again several times. During June, almost all the grass around here was practically dead it was so dry, dangerous for fires and stuff.

Rachael-I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's baby and my heart goes out to you all. I'm sorry I missed Zach's first heavenly birthday, such a bittersweet time to have to get through, the best way we know how.

Colleen-Beautiful pictures of flowers. I am not good with plants, but love to look at them and see their beauty.

Sherry-I know why young women have babies after I spend very much time with my grandchildren. I'm sure the grandkids had a great time at your house.

I just find myself in a strange mood here lately. I mostly want to be alone and find my anger is simmering just beneath the surface, anger at life, at God, at circumstances. I read about horrible things in the news, shootings and abductions and I want to shout "Don't you all understand how precious life is? Don't you know that it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye?" When the Olympics coverage starts (pre-coverage I guess really) I keep thinking that the last time it came on, Westley was still alive, everything wasn't perfect, but not nearly as bad as it was going to get, and I didn't even know. I am not in the dark place exactly, but in the shadows. I am trying to find the light, but it is so hard sometimes.

[Jeff's Mom]

Kathy-Hope you feel better soon. Tavian sounds like he's a good nurse to have around his Mi-Mi.

Dee-We haven't had storms for a few days, but its very hot again in TN. I think Friday is our next best chance for a storm, we've caught up on our rain somewhat and had to mow again several times. During June, almost all the grass around here was practically dead it was so dry, dangerous for fires and stuff.

Rachael-I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's baby and my heart goes out to you all. I'm sorry I missed Zach's first heavenly birthday, such a bittersweet time to have to get through, the best way we know how.

Colleen-Beautiful pictures of flowers. I am not good with plants, but love to look at them and see their beauty.

Sherry-I know why young women have babies after I spend very much time with my grandchildren. I'm sure the grandkids had a great time at your house.

I just find myself in a strange mood here lately. I mostly want to be alone and find my anger is simmering just beneath the surface, anger at life, at God, at circumstances. I read about horrible things in the news, shootings and abductions and I want to shout "Don't you all understand how precious life is? Don't you know that it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye?" When the Olympics coverage starts (pre-coverage I guess really) I keep thinking that the last time it came on, Westley was still alive, everything wasn't perfect, but not nearly as bad as it was going to get, and I didn't even know. I am not in the dark place exactly, but in the shadows. I am trying to find the light, but it is so hard sometimes.

Rhonda, I can relate completely to what you are saying. I woke up this morning to an actually beautiful day. They had called for cloud and rain and yet the sky is as clear as can be...for now anyway Everything is just perfect. Well, almost. Except I am walking around feeling as if I have a huge hole blown in the middle of my stomach. Nothing and I mean absolutely nothing is the same. Everything is flat. I find I force myself to put on a happy face and push to keep going. But it is somehow as if the visors have come off and I see life's real hardships as well as the beauty. I feel as if I am now standing back and observing, but not participating. The joy to life is gone. Will it ever get any better then this? I actually listened to a close friend complain the other day that she did not have any visitor's to see her new condo as her towels and accessories were not matching and the colour of the paint in her living room was not exactly as she would like it to be. She was not happy about that!!!!!!! WHOA! If that is all I had to worry about I wouldn't call the KIng my Uncle! It is actually laughable...I mean get serious! If that is all it takes to bring a person down... then Lord help them if they walked in our shoes. I am so very changed. Like living in the body of a total stranger. Everything is the same.... yet nothing is. I know it is going to take time. Patience is a virtue that I am in short supply of. I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Kathy...hope you are surviving the dental procedures. Take care and just think of the lovely smile that you will have when it is all said and done.

Thinking of everyone and hoping your day is ok.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I know what you mean about the precious-ness of life and how one action or moment can erase so much. Hang on, even in the shadows we find clues as to how to find some gold.

Carol, how are you and Mike today?

[daveydow1]

Rhonda----Yes,....sometimes it is difficult to look at life as it is anymore, without our

dear angels. It indeed does change our whole outlook. We can, and do, carry on,

but there's always that empty spot. The grandies sure can wear one out, and the

saying that it's good that young people have little children because they have more

energy. We took the two boys, 5 & 7, to a small 9-hole golf couse to play golf. They

had so much fun, and there was plenty of shade in different areas. (I kept score)

Colleen-----Thanks for the very beautiful pics of the sunflowers, violas, and the

lovely red ones....(can't think what they are called ). Lovely pics.

Kate----We do get rain off & on, ----not too much, but any amount is welcome. It is

very nice today......81 degrees and breezy. Tomorrow it is to go back up to 90 again,

and thunderstorms predicted. Farms around here have done their first cutting of hay,

but with the drought, not many have taken a good second cutting yet. We dug potatoes

when the grandies were here. They delighted in picking the potatoes up and putting

them in the basket. We got a half-bushel basket full......not too bad for dry conditions.

Dee-----Stay cool and comfortable with the next heatwave coming. Have you been

out for any walks through nature lately? I saw on the news where this will be a year

for increased tick populations........yuk.

Carol------Keeping your dear Ralph in prayers.

Maddy-----I hope you are enjoying your photography classes. Let us know how they are going.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

OOPS SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE POST! :-)

[mikesmomrs]

Hello everyone...wish so muchi had time to post to each of you, but need to get back to hubby's room. He is having a blood transfusion and i don't like to leave him alone too long. I miss being here, talking, answering, and trying to help, as well as those times when your strength comes through to me in your words to me, although that still continues and I truly appreciate your thoughts and prayers and caring. I am just going to post my updtate that I did tonight to his Care Pages, as he is calling for me to come back to the room. (I hope the pics I am posting attach okay. I will come back tomorrow during the day)

Last night Mike was able to eat some mashed potatoes, along with drinking his protein shake. Did the same again today. The medicine they are giving him is really helping with the pain he's had with swallowing. Today, however, they had to give him a blood transfusion as his blood count reading was down to 6.1 (normal is 12-13, but because of his chronic anemia, his usually runs between 8.5 and 9).

He is just now getting the blood, so we shall see tomorrow how it helps. He was not able to do any PT today because of the blood count problem, but hopefully he can get back to doing some tomorrow. Tomorrow marks our two weeks here at the rehab hospital. It is a nice place, but I (and Mike) would much rather be in our own home and our own bed! It has been 25 days since we've been home.

It is great to see him eating again, even though it is just a bit, as he has not been able to eat much at all and especially the last 4-5 days with the infection in his esophagus. He is still so very cold all the time, so I went out today and bought him a nice, wooly blanket. I have attached a picture to the gallery, though was unable to turn it right side up through this computer (at the hospital), so you will have to turn your monitor on its side...or you could just tilt your head! :-) Believe it or not, he actually has a sweatshirt on under the blanket! As I sit there trying to fan myself to keep cool! So, be sure to check out his picture in the gallery to the right of this post.

I also posted a picture of the sunrise outside our window here, from the other morning. You can almost see God's hands drawing the colors onto the sky. Such a beautiful promise for the day ahead.

The responses that you all gave to our recent "urgent" posts were just so very heartwarming and amazing. Mike has received cards, flowers and calls, and it is does bring a smile to his face when the nurse comes in and says "Mail call." To know you are all out there, holding us up, taking time from your busy days to pray for us, reach out to us, gives us such tremendous strength. Thank you all, so very, very much. We move ahead, trying to not let the steps back get us down, and it is the strength we get from all of you that helps us in those trying times, such as the other day with the endoscopy.

Thank you again, and again and again. God's blessings on all of you.

[Jilly's mom]

Sarah's mama,

I read your post to Tracie and had to smile. We are both nurses. We live 60 miles apart, you and I. We both lost our daughters (mine was 11-19-11). We are both caregivers and both need to talk about our loss alot. I am further down the road, time-wise, than you are but feel many of the same things. I find myself talking to my patients about their children, as I always have, but sometimes have a hard time explaining when they ask me about mine. My surviving other 2 daughters are both dealing with it differently as well. My husband and I are going through a learning curve. Sounds like we could be a great support to each other as well. That is what I love about this site.....you can always come on here, no matter what you are feeling and find someone who is either going through something very similiar or already has, and they can help you. Take care.

Louise (Jilly's mom)

Tracie,

I know how you feel. My dear daughter Sarah died on March 14th and this 4th month has been a very very hard one. The pain is worse and I didn't think that was even possible. I so want it to get better but just don't believe it wil. The hard thing is that there is no one to really talk to about it. My friends want me to be my old self and cannot handle the pain so i don't share. My wonderful daughter (younger sister to Sarah) cannot talk with me about my pain because she is suffering so with the grief of losing her sister, confidant and best friend. I am beginning to think I have lived my life the wrong way. I have always believed that I was put here to help other people and have spent my life caregiving. I am a nurse and have tried to be here for people who are hurting and needs encouragement. However it feels like it is easier for people to just walk away rather than to help bear the pain. Maybe that is the way I need to live my life. I have never felt so alone. I am trying to hang on and trust that it will get better even though my heart doesn't believe that right now. Maybe we can lean on each other as we maneuver this sad lonely road.

[ericasmom]

Hi Louise, good to see you here, glad that you can help those even newer to this place--it is in that reaching out that so much repair occurs. How have you been?

Carol, love the blue blanky for Mike, so cozy. I am relieved that he is starting to eat some mild foods and that in all of this remains that amazing sense of humor.

[ericasmom]

I want to post a poem that I wrote soon after Eri died, thought I would post it the other day but could not find it which led me to looking through old journals which of course leads me through some very dark days and nights. I think I was supposed to go there though, to maybe help make more sense of the times so many of you new to this grief are experiencing. Most my poems are saved on my documents but this one for whatever reason, was captured only on paper so I am in the process today of finding those poems I never saved on the computer and getting them there. While this seems a trivial act, it is taking me through roadways and tunnels and bridges of this path. I am telling you right now that that notion of sensing how different we become through loss is quite evident in my early journals. The poem below was written in October of 03, ERi died in July of 03. It is that 3 month mark that so many are now marching through, that horrendously painful time that finds the physical ache as strong as the emotional where our arms desperately want to hold our Child. We are homeless in that time...but we do find home again, it is different of course, we are different of course, but we find home in new ways.

Homeless

A relentless stream, torrent really

of tears

salt and sting-

sounds finding their way up from deep soul,

like animals wildly searching for a place to be

but unable to rest,

crazy with grief.

Home is missing

you are not here

and so my home is missing.

And I circle and cross my own path

all traces of what was-

are gone.

[Jeff's Mom]

I want to post a poem that I wrote soon after Eri died, thought I would post it the other day but could not find it which led me to looking through old journals which of course leads me through some very dark days and nights. I think I was supposed to go there though, to maybe help make more sense of the times so many of you new to this grief are experiencing. Most my poems are saved on my documents but this one for whatever reason, was captured only on paper so I am in the process today of finding those poems I never saved on the computer and getting them there. While this seems a trivial act, it is taking me through roadways and tunnels and bridges of this path. I am telling you right now that that notion of sensing how different we become through loss is quite evident in my early journals. The poem below was written in October of 03, ERi died in July of 03. It is that 3 month mark that so many are now marching through, that horrendously painful time that finds the physical ache as strong as the emotional where our arms desperately want to hold our Child. We are homeless in that time...but we do find home again, it is different of course, we are different of course, but we find home in new ways.

Homeless

A relentless stream, torrent really

of tears

salt and sting-

sounds finding their way up from deep soul,

like animals wildly searching for a place to be

but unable to rest,

crazy with grief.

Home is missing

you are not here

and so my home is missing.

And I circle and cross my own path

all traces of what was-

are gone.

Thank you, Dee. How true.

[Jeff's Mom]

Jeff was hot prairie summers...the scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and cold, frosted glasses of iced milk in the kitchen.

He was a watchful eye...warm huge hugs and innocent mischief.

He was the cool breeze through the windows...coffee on the counter and happy conversations in t-shirts and shorts.

He was the kind of love that is affection, respect, and encouragement and support.

My awareness of this is an incalcuable source of strength and because his love was something unselfish...involving sacrifices and giving... I can not help but have become a better person for having had him for my son.

[ericasmom]

One of my musical heroes, Chrissy Hynde singing Sleep. I wept in the car while this played, have always wept when it plays.

[ericasmom]

Kate, I love that Jeff was hot prairie summers--

Lovely poem of your Boy.

Hot here today though they said it would be much cooler, it does not feel much cooler due to humidity. We have had rain three nights in a row now, which is great as long as we get it without the wind shears that topple trees and powerlines. So the plants are happy to have real rain water on them. Our dinner plate hibiscus is in bloom, both the deep red and the white with red centers. Beautiful. The dahlias are blooming as well on those thick hollow stems that I love. We ate a bright orange squash from the garden in our pasta last night which was very tasty. I made two blueberry-peach cobblers, one for my neighbor and best buddy Kay and one for Jon and Shannon for taking care of our gardens while we were gone. I went for a bike ride today, felt good to be back on the bike, but the humidity made my ride a bit longer as I could not go as fast as usual. Nice to be out and free though.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you , Dee. But I did not write a poem. I just wrote from my heart and how I felt about Jeff. Your poem is so lovely... and definitely heartfelt. It conveys with true emotion the feelings that we have when we are now realizing that our precious child is actually gone and we need to find a new beginning. Just lovely. Thanks.

[ericasmom]

Kate, there is a form of poetry that is like what you wrote from your heart there, it is telling what someone is using metaphor as you did. To me, poetic. How is the weather up north? The clouds and threats of more storms has moved over us I think, so it seems the clouds ushered in some cooler weather. It is most welcome.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Love this!! How many of us have felt those emotions? Thanks for posting, Dee! Today, I have been angry at everything, and no patience with any trivial crap! I let it fly in several directions, and felt bad when some got caught in the line of fire that do care about me. FB in particular, as I was feeling like I was putting my soul out there, and nobody was listening. Well, turns out they were listening, but just don't comment, as it causes them discomfort to think about the possibility of ever losing their child, and so they can't speak in support, but some have expressed they are supportive with prayers and sometimes that is all that is within their comfort zone. I understand, but at the same time, still am hurting and in need of comfort. This is such a hard path. No two journeys alike, I guess. I am so glad to have found all of you, and know that you get it.

I want to post a poem that I wrote soon after Eri died, thought I would post it the other day but could not find it which led me to looking through old journals which of course leads me through some very dark days and nights. I think I was supposed to go there though, to maybe help make more sense of the times so many of you new to this grief are experiencing. Most my poems are saved on my documents but this one for whatever reason, was captured only on paper so I am in the process today of finding those poems I never saved on the computer and getting them there. While this seems a trivial act, it is taking me through roadways and tunnels and bridges of this path. I am telling you right now that that notion of sensing how different we become through loss is quite evident in my early journals. The poem below was written in October of 03, ERi died in July of 03. It is that 3 month mark that so many are now marching through, that horrendously painful time that finds the physical ache as strong as the emotional where our arms desperately want to hold our Child. We are homeless in that time...but we do find home again, it is different of course, we are different of course, but we find home in new ways.

Homeless

A relentless stream, torrent really

of tears

salt and sting-

sounds finding their way up from deep soul,

like animals wildly searching for a place to be

but unable to rest,

crazy with grief.

Home is missing

you are not here

and so my home is missing.

And I circle and cross my own path

all traces of what was-

are gone.

[daveydow1]

Kate------Your writing was so beautiful.......talking about Jeff and all the love

that you shared. The words are so heartfelt..... and they are lyrical and sweet.

You are "a poet, and don't know it'.

Carol-----so glad that Ralph is able to eat a bit of soft food. Thanks for the

pics with Ralph and his nice blue blanket, and of the lovely sunrise. I'll

keep praying.

Dee-----thanks for the lovely poem. It sure does express what all of us here

at BI must feel at any point on this journey.....especially those very early

brutal days and nights when we seemed to be in a literal fog, and indeed,

feel like we have lost our home. Terribly violent storms here all day. Lost

our electric twice......first time for 8 hours, then stayed on one hour and a half....

then off again 8 more hours. A huge oak tree down the road beside the old

schoolhouse where an elderly lady lives fell over the road, taking electric lines

with it. Crews were working for hours to get the tree removed.....must have been

200 yrs. old, and all rotted inside. Not sure if it was struck with lightning or just

fell from the strong winds & driving rain. Then the cable broke on our garage

door......my car is trapped inside until we can get that fixed. So very stormy all around.

Becky----Sending thoughts & prayers for you in this very rough time., friend.

It's beginning to storm again, so I better get this posted before anything else happens.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, stay safe in those storms. It seems they moved through your area and on towards the east coast where they are baking and storming too. So many trees down this year, due in part to the drought and then the winds. The drought has weakened so many trees around here, signs of distress across the area. Someone on the news said, " well we can't change mother nature..." and I replied back to the TV (as I swore when I was young that I would not do) that yes, we have already changed mother nature which is why we are experiencing these drastic kinds of weather.

Rhonda, how are you this evening? I hope the weather has given some respite and that you are feeling a bit of peace today.

Leah? How are you these days?

Trudi, Carol, Betty, Betsy, Amy?

[hessley0503]

Hello all,

Sorry its been a few days. We have had so many extra teenagers here lately that it has been very taxing on me. I have found at times I have just came in my room to hide. I really enjoy having all of Raivyn's friends here as they help us just as much as we help them however here lately I have been feeling it is becoming too much for us. We are planning a trip to Ohio August 6-12 so I am thinking no more adopted children till after we come back home. We just need some us time. Especially at this hard point in time when all that fog is lifting and our emotions are so raw and we are trying like crazy to figure out how to get some kind of new normal back in life. We are trying to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other and start living again just like Raivyn wants. Our middle daughter finally came back from her trip to Texas and her boyfriend proposed to her. It was so cute and sweet. We just made them promise to wait a couple of years before getting married as they are still young and with all that is going on and their relationship being a bit unusual circumstances we want them to take their time. We love the guy to death and he is a wonderful addition to our family but they still need to take their time. You see he was the one driving the ATV so he is having survivors guilt and she is surviving the loss of Rai. They are really helping each other through this process though and have been amazing for each other and we all definitely support this relationship. For the first time ever she is dating someone I actually like!!! All I can say is thank you Rai for bringing them together!!! That may sound crazy but it's how we feel. Our oldest is doing better with things. Our grief counselor is working so well with her. Praise God. The heat has been horrid here too. Heat index is suppose to be 106 tomorrow. And humidity is always miserable here. UGH bring on winter PLEASE!!!!

Hope this finds everyone staying as cool as possible. Will write more later have to get up early for a Neuro appointment joy oh joy!!! Love to all

Tracie

missing my "Rai" of sunshine

[Jilly's mom]

Hi Indigos.

Please know that although I have not posted, I have been trying to keep up with the site every few days. To all the birthdays and angelversaries I missed, you were in my thoughts and prayers. (Esp you Dee, for Eri's!)

To the newbies. I am sorry for your losses, and grateful you have found this site. In the dark nights of your souls, it is a place of refuge and comfort. No one in the world understands grief the way this site does! You can come here day or night and find someone willing to talk or respond to whatever you are going through at the time. Thank you to all of you who have taken my hand on this path and walked with me.

Many changes in our lives right now. My husband retires Monday from the dept of corrections. While I am thrilled he is leaving such a negative environment, it will bring about big changes for us...and adjustments. We are barely back on our feet from Jilly's death in November. God did not bring us this far to drop us on our heads, though. We will make it.

We have been in and out of court in the last couple months. In a nutshell, here is the gist of it... copied from something I posted a couple weeks ago on my FB page.

"For those of you who have been wondering about (and hopefully praying for) the driver in Jilly's accident, it has been a long painful road for her. She took responsibility for the accident as soon as she was coherent enough to do so. (she suffered a brain bleed in the accident and was airlifted to the hospital.) She voluntarily gave up her driver's license, (and at this point, will likely need al...ot of counseling just to ever get behind a wheel again) long before she was ordered by the court to do so. She was originally charged with a 10-15 yr felony, which we successfully got reduced to a misdemeanor. She will end up serving 60 days or so...and wanted to serve jail time...she felt she deserved it. She would gladly do a life sentence if it would bring Jilly back.....but it won't. She also has to pay at least $1200+ in fines, do 200 hrs of community service, submit to alcohol and drug testing twice a week (she has been totally clean, by the way) attend substance abuse counseling, and at our request, grief counseling. She also has to speak at 4 victim impact panels....these are meetings that anyone that has an alcohol related offense in St Joe County are required to attend. I will be speaking with her and we will be showing a slide show presentation that I made showing the effects of one poor decision. Jilly is the subject and it shows people who she was. It shows, through pictures, how one choice affects not just that person, but families, friends,co-workers, and communities. So when teens,(or adults) tell me "it's MY life, MY decisions!!!" they couldn't be MORE mistaken. The driver has to look in the mirror every single day for the rest of her life and live with the consequences of getting behind a wheel 6 hrs after her last drink (and sleeping before she drove again)...and then waking up in a hospital to find out that her best friend was killed in that accident. Not many people are aware of how long it takes for the alcohol to leave your system...(several hours depending on your weight.) She is a different girl than she was last November. Her parents have to watch her torment....and listen as she screams occasionally in her sleep. I watch her as well, knowing it could have just as easily been Jilly driving that morning. That is one of the reasons this girl has my complete forgiveness. If the roles had been reversed, I would hope for that her family would forgive my child. Many people make this same choice "to party just a little" monthly, weekly or even daily, but thankfully do not have the same consequences...although it could just as easily be them! "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone" a very wondeful Man once said. I know that you might think that granting forgiveness is strange, or that I am looney, but the load of grief is so heavy already, I can't add the bricks of blame, bitterness and hatred to it. I would fall under the weight of it and never ever get back up. The path I am taking may not be for everyone, and that is ok, but it is MINE....and I will walk it, because it brings me a lot of peace. I KNOW where my daughter is. She is safe and happy, and waiting for me, with God, at the gates of Heaven!"

From this post, I rec'd comments on my Facebook ranging from incredibly supportive to total hatred and disrespect. It has also raised awareness on drinking on a Friday night and driving on a Saturday morning, even after sleeping. One of the positive things that has come out of this is that various groups that deal with teens, such as drivers ed classes, teen intervention groups and even some adults are asking me to speak to their groups and present the slideshow. I believe this will help DM (the driver) with her grief as well. We have worked sooooo hard to keep this tragedy from killing her too. She is currently in jail. I visited her last Saturday and she is trying her best to be very strong...and really doing a pretty good job, considering all things.

It is helping me with my grief work as well. At this point in time, it feels like what Jilly would want me to do. It is a bit unconventional, but then again, so am I....It feels like I have lived 2 lifetimes in the last 8 months. I am a different person. Can I make a difference? Can DM and I hopefully save a life or 2? God I hope so.