Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

You are far from crazy! And if anything you are extremely sane in trying to work out your feelings and hurt. You are a grieving Mom. And a very loving one at that! I smiled when I read your previous post at how quickly he came into the world. My Jeff was the same. The nurse came into my room and took a peek. Told me it would be some time before he came. Not to be. When I called for them... they called me a whiner! Until she looked and said,"Oh, my God!" DON"T PUSH! We have to wheel you down to the delivery room. That was my boy! Always in a hurry to get where he was going.

I am like you. Last evening while my husband drifted off in his fave chair I started to think of Jeff's youth. All happy and funny memories. It made me feel good to think of stuff I had not thought of for ages. His very good friend is getting married soon. I am feeling happy for him and yet I have a sense of dread at attending functions for it. I am afraid of losing my composure when I think of Jeff and how his life was cut short. So happy and sad at the same time. I'm just going to have to suck it up and go. I can't let them down. Have you had any things like this to face yet?

[dwsmithrn]

oh, kate, thanks for the understanding...you just passed your 2-year mark and i know that was difficult enough......

rhonda, bless your heart. thanks for sharing your memories of your precious baby boy....i know we have grown boys, but i can't get passed the fact that they are always our babies.... and yours sounds just adorable .....videos of some of his antics would be so priceless....i am ashamed to say, i do not have videos of my kids...only pictures. and they are in disarray. some don't even have dates on them. i was not good with keeping up with photo albums. and now, i wish i had been. even so, the ones we all have are burned in our memory banks forever.

this life we live is not what we expected and i am so glad for some of you who still have your faith. mine has left me for awhile and maybe some day i can retrieve it. my relationship with god is strained to say the least right now, but one day, maybe i can see the light once again.

wishing all of you some happy memories of your angels today......

thinking of you rhonda.....

hope things go well, carol.....

thinking of ALL the newbies here.....

take care of yourselves and just breathe.....

diane

[Susie_q512]

Diane - My heart aches for you as you experience this unbearable pain. I so wish that I could ease your pain. I can only pray for mercy, peace and comfort to fall upon you and bring some measure of relief. You are on my mind so often as I see your struggle and know that you are quickly approaching the 1 year mark. I imagine that I will also be facing this struggle when I approach that same marker in time. I don't know if you use medications or not, but there are some reliable meds that are very effective in treating anxiety. Managing the anxiety can help the body to be able to rest from the physical stress of our grief. Praying for you and keeping you very close in my heart and thoughts.

[RonnieAlt]

Westley

Westley

Westley

So loved and missed everyday, but especially this day. I pray that your mom feels your presence all around her today, consoling her, and holding her close.

[RonnieAlt]

wow....this is week 51....i cannot (sometimes refuse) to believe the first year is here....

fridays always suck for me. this is the day nathan left us. this is the day i stay at home and try to mend my broken heart. so far, it hasn't worked, but i do not like to face people on this day.

take care all, and i hope you all can find some sort of a safe place today.....love, diane

Dear Diane,

Fridays always suck for me too, it is the day of the week I lost my Cherry Lynn to a heroin overdose. Today marks the 13th week since she was left alone to die by her "friend" in a park. In an hour or so, will be the time I got the phone call that ruined my life forever.

I am vacillating between sanity and insanity. I know if I give in to my grief, it can lead me down a path to a point of no return. As I experience my grief, I have to always be aware of how far I can let it lead me before I fight it and return. If I go further than that, I am lost forever in grief, sadness, depression, crying, despair, and hopelessness.I cannot change the situation, then utter panic sets in. I had to go to the ER on NYE because of a severe panic attack.

It is so scary to approach that cliff and know that as much as I have done to work through my grief, must be reset to square one, because there is no further I can go now. I risk going beyond the point that I know the way back, a no man’s land that can only be experienced by those that grieve and hope nether-worldly. We only know part of the story and must fill in the blanks with faith and hope and lessons learned by others more experienced then ourselves. Others like those here on this site.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[shorty16]

Diane

The anxiety you feel for this pending angelversary is normal. Sometimes, the days leading up to an event are worse than the event itself.

I too wanted to die after Brian was killed. I felt so alone until I found this site. The people who have traveled this road before me validated what I felt. Gave me hope to continue. I want to give you hope also.

You are right, we will never be the same person again - changed forever by the death of our child. That is normal and it is OK. Sometimes our friends and even family have no idea what we are going through. No idea that this road of grief we are on does not end until our last breath. That is why I continue to come to this site. Because I find understanding for my pain - not the looks of "It has been 3.5 years and you are not over it yet?" I will never get over the death of Brian - Never!!

Hang on my friend. Nathan had so many good qualities and was such a great person. He was that because of you and your hubby. I am praying for you in hopes that you smile even once today.

Consider yourself hugged.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Jeff's Mom]

I have a question to ask. A few years ago my sister took me to see a woman named Sylvie Brown... when she was in our city. I went with an open mind and basically decided to humour my sister and just enjoy it. To tell you the truth I actually did not give it another thought after I left the building. But then after Jeff died I found myself one evening watching a program called Crossing Over. I was sorry that it was not on for a longer period of time, as I was now anxiously looking for some sign to believe that it could be done. Now I have found myself reading reports on NDE experiences, etc. Anxiously looking for a glimpse into what Jeff has or is experiencing. My question is that I am wondering if any of you have done the same thing?

I even watched a video of a cremation to see what they did to him...right after he died. Today I cannot believe I watched that video. I was not in my right mind. I needed to see what they were doing to him. Is this normal? I still felt a need to protect and look after him. Oh dear.

[westleysmom]

Trying to post a video of a Beatles song that just came to mind. Hope it works.

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/aB863XBoJJA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[westleysmom]

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.c...bed/AZNrNd3qFa4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

This was the first song that came to mind, but the other one came up too. I liked these two boys versions better than the originals. They seem so sweet and they made me smile. No mean feat these days.I hope the links work for you and you get a smile too.

[westleysmom]

This was Westley's song that he really liked that Christmas. I had gotten him the CD for Christmas.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/pdEvL6jxUYA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[Jeff's Mom]

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.c...bed/AZNrNd3qFa4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

This was the first song that came to mind, but the other one came up too. I liked these two boys versions better than the originals. They seem so sweet and they made me smile. No mean feat these days.I hope the links work for you and you get a smile too.

Holy Smoke, Rhonda...how did you do that? It was a song he played constantly on his guitar when I was feeling down. Amazing. Thank you so much.

[westleysmom]

Kate-I guess an angel or two whispered in my ear. I'm glad it made you happy. Maybe it was for us both, for us all. I like to think so.

[RonnieAlt]

I have a question to ask. A few years ago my sister took me to see a woman named Sylvie Brown... when she was in our city. I went with an open mind and basically decided to humour my sister and just enjoy it. To tell you the truth I actually did not give it another thought after I left the building. But then after Jeff died I found myself one evening watching a program called Crossing Over. I was sorry that it was not on for a longer period of time, as I was now anxiously looking for some sign to believe that it could be done. Now I have found myself reading reports on NDE experiences, etc. Anxiously looking for a glimpse into what Jeff has or is experiencing. My question is that I am wondering if any of you have done the same thing?

I even watched a video of a cremation to see what they did to him...right after he died. Today I cannot believe I watched that video. I was not in my right mind. I needed to see what they were doing to him. Is this normal? I still felt a need to protect and look after him. Oh dear.

Hey Kate, I too did all the same things you have described, I watched every video on youtube about NDEs, I downloaded and read many books on people who have died and returned, I also watched a video on cremation and saw what they did to my beautiful Cherry Lynn's body. I also researched everything I could find on heroin, and what it is like to OD. I HAD TO KNOW WHAT CHERRY WENT THROUGH.

The least I could do is know...

I believe it is for the individual mom or dad to decide what they must do for themselves as part of their grieving process. Mine has been very similar to yours in this regard. My thoughts and prayers are with you, this journey is horrible, but at least we do not have to go it alone. Thank you Indigo family....

[dwsmithrn]

hi ronnie....thanks for your thoughts and feelings...at least it is easier for us to share those things here than anywhere else and certainly with each other than with anyone else. that is one thing i can do here, with you all, than i can't do with anyone. enough said.

i have my ups and downs, mostly downs, but i am still trying.... baby step at a time...i think that's how it goes.....

i am sorry about your beautiful daughter, cherry....she is so pretty....

nathan was so depressed and sad, but he hid it so well, too well....we did not know and i hate myself for missing it. i feel such guilt and feel like i failed him....i DID fail him. when he could not take it anymore, he went to the beach, just a mile from his home, and put a 45 in his mouth and shot in the perfect spot. the coronor said it was so quick, he didn't even hear the sound of the gun. there was very little blood....a methodist preacher was walking her dog and had just passed by him. she was able to turn around, hold his hand and say a prayer. i have talked to her about 3 times since then. just typing this out makes me so sick at my stomach. i can't believe i am 'saying' this and it just sends me to my knees. i have been depressed before and i am depressed now, but he had to be the worst of the worst depressed to do this. he must have been so sad and so down and i could not save my baby. i did not see it. i should have seen it. why, oh, why, did i not see that my child was sick?

i think besides the grief, it's the guilt that brings me down. something the counselor tells me i have to work on...

i don't think i can ever get that image out of my mind.

colleen....thanks for the hugs....sometimes we all just need to hear that and 'feel' those virtual hugs....thanks.

so grateful for this site and you, my indigo friends. love, diane

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

was at the Art Institute with 106 third graders today, busy busy day, but so glad to have gone, to see the way art can inspire children. I am still at school having needed to complete some work before enjoying a weekend. Going home now.

Diane, I love that you wrote that you could not believe that you were writing those words as you were, but that tells me that your writing how Nathan died is your way of not accepting of course, but acknowledging the sadness of your Son and how he left this world. That is part of moving forward in grief even when you don't feel as though you are moving forward. I know the guilt gets to you Sweetie, but the reason you did not know is because he was expert at hiding his sadness, his friends did not know that he was sad enough to take his life, and while you think Mothers should know, we don't always know...we just don't. I know that one day you will forgive yourself not knowing, Nathan would really want you to, and with the help of working here and working with your therapist, you will be able to let go of the guilt and move forward a bit without that weight.

To Everyone, so many stories in our coming together, a woven friendship out of so many broken threads, we pick up a thread, tie it on to ours, and weave it to the next. We are a colorful and beautiful group of parents whose lives have intersected due to the hardest of all things but in our grief, we reach out, the very best way to find our steps, and in so doing, we help create this criss cross of support.

[vivkib]

Kate, You're not alone in this. I have been doing the same thing. I've wondered if maybe I was just going a little crazy. I want so much to hang on to Kevin in any way I can. I know from what the coroner said and what the death cert. sais that he went very quick, no pain, and didn't know what happened. My daughter had a "visit" from Kevin the night of his momorial service and he told her that he didn't know and didn't feel any pain. This was before we knew what had happened to him. I guess that I look at that as confirmation of what we were later told. I still want to see him, talk to him, and just know why. I know I could do nothing to have stopped what happened but I feel I should have known there was a problem and fixed it for him. We as mothers would do anything to help our kids but as we have all learned some times there is nothing we could do. It's a helpless feeling, I'm his mother and should be able to protect my kids. The reality of the situation is that it's to late and I can't change things for him. So I try to find ways to keep contact with him. Can it really be done? I don't know but I have an overwhelming need to know he's ok now. I think we're all looking for answeres to the "why" questions we have, I know I am. Even though I know some answers will never be known I still look for them. I look where ever I think at the time I might be able to find them even if it seems a bit crazy. Anyway I think I'm rambling on a bit. Just know you are NOT alone and my prayers are with you and your family at this most difficult time.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Gang,

was at the Art Institute with 106 third graders today, busy busy day, but so glad to have gone, to see the way art can inspire children. I am still at school having needed to complete some work before enjoying a weekend. Going home now.

Diane, I love that you wrote that you could not believe that you were writing those words as you were, but that tells me that your writing how Nathan died is your way of not accepting of course, but acknowledging the sadness of your Son and how he left this world. That is part of moving forward in grief even when you don't feel as though you are moving forward. I know the guilt gets to you Sweetie, but the reason you did not know is because he was expert at hiding his sadness, his friends did not know that he was sad enough to take his life, and while you think Mothers should know, we don't always know...we just don't. I know that one day you will forgive yourself not knowing, Nathan would really want you to, and with the help of working here and working with your therapist, you will be able to let go of the guilt and move forward a bit without that weight.

To Everyone, so many stories in our coming together, a woven friendship out of so many broken threads, we pick up a thread, tie it on to ours, and weave it to the next. We are a colorful and beautiful group of parents whose lives have intersected due to the hardest of all things but in our grief, we reach out, the very best way to find our steps, and in so doing, we help create this criss cross of support.

Dee...you are our calm in the storm...Thank you for your comforting words. It sounds like you did indeed have a very hectic day...but fun.

I wanted to write this message that I read in our paper today. Perhaps it will hit home to a few.

"Be kinder than necessary for everyone is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply,love generously,care deeply,speak kindly...leave the rest to God. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain." Our children have saved us the first dance.

Sorry about my ranting today. Not a good day. I miss you Jeff.

[Chads Mom]

Rhonda: Thinking of you today and your handsome son Westley… Sending good thoughts and warm hugs your way on this day.

Saying your name today, remembering you, hoping you are able to send your Mom the comfort of your sweet spirit….. WESTLEY, WESTLEY, WESTLEY, WESTLY, WESTLEY, WESTLEY, WESTLEY…

[summergirl]

WESTLEY, WESTLEY, WESTELY.....I SAY YOUR NAME OUTLOUD AND PROUDLY.....YOUR MOM IS A BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL WOMAN BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT AS YOU WATCH HER FROM ABOVE. RHONDA, I PRAY THAT YOU FOUND SOME COMFORT TODAY AND THAT YOUR SWEET, SWEET WESTLY SURROUNDED YOU WITH HIS LOVE AND A BREATH OF A KISS....

[mysonrich]

Hi Indigo’s, I've been up for hours which seems to be par for the course lately. My new usual wake-up time is 4am. Now if I had cows and chickens that needed to be miked and fed this would be ok, but I don't.

I have been looking at the pictures I have of Rich and Sarah and try my best to beat the darkness of some thoughts back. Many questions. No answers. I can't unring a bell. My son made me laugh. He was a wise young man and often so straight forward in speech and feeling I had to wonder how he knew so much at such a young age. Or am I hindered by age,aging and the many thoughts and fears that hold us back? Or did he know how short his life would be and holding back from anything, given risks consideration, it would be to late? Isn't that true for us all?

OK, very important. I feel our lifeline here at grieving.com may be in danger . For all that are member,s that post, for all that read and don't post, for all that visit, please take note of my post under HELP?Questions regarding SOPA.

Rich would not have liked it much if I did not share this. I don't rally for much but this I feel is very important. I have asked the owners of this site and the Admins for feedback.

I want to drink some wine on Richie's angelversary. I want to sit by the river and have a glass or 2. I don't know why really. I rarely drink. Could be I want to be numb right now.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hey Kate, I too did all the same things you have described, I watched every video on youtube about NDEs, I downloaded and read many books on people who have died and returned, I also watched a video on cremation and saw what they did to my beautiful Cherry Lynn's body. I also researched everything I could find on heroin, and what it is like to OD. I HAD TO KNOW WHAT CHERRY WENT THROUGH.

The least I could do is know...

I believe it is for the individual mom or dad to decide what they must do for themselves as part of their grieving process. Mine has been very similar to yours in this regard. My thoughts and prayers are with you, this journey is horrible, but at least we do not have to go it alone. Thank you Indigo family....

Thank heaven, for your reply. At least I know I had not lost my mind completely in doing all of that. It was a force so strong at that time to follow him even through that process. A mother right to the end. While I keep him close in my heart I need to move forward with my own life. I cannot let this heartache break me. Jeff would most definitely not want that. I am making every effort to enjoy this weekend.

[Guest msnher]

The following was written by my sister, Arlene Ball. Her 18 yr old son, a Marine, died on October 1, 1991. They said it was suicide. The gun was on safety, they did not test his fingers or any of his roommates, fellow Marines, to see if they had gun powder residue on their hands. He was stationed in Washington state. The morning of his death he called his mother who lives in Southern Utah to tell her he was sending her money so she could have his car sent to him. There was no note. He was given a full military funeral and his life insurance was paid. I don't know how it is now, but back then the military did not help in any way if it was considered a suicide. On behalf of my sister, our family, and all others who have lost a child in the military under questionable circumstances, please read, join or just pass the word. The stories of the way some of these soldiers died and dubbed suicide is quite astounding. One was shot in the back from about 50 feet and they called it a suicide. Another was handcuffed to his steering wheel, beaten and shot and it was called a suicide. They are now on facebook. "Until we have answers"...........

It is peacetime and your child enters into the military ~ you think that they are safe ~ after all there is no war so what could possibly happen?

You are never prepared for that knock on the door ~ to see men in uniform standing before you and before they utter a word you somehow know whey they are there. As the words "I am so very sorry........" are said you know that there is a mistake ~ you child cannot be dead ~ it is peacetime ~ so your child must be somewhere safe. As you try to comprehend what you are being told you now hear the words "suicide." They are telling you that your child has taken his or her own life. You know that this cannot be true ~ there is no way that your child would have done this.

As the days start to pass and the shock of your child's death is now becoming a reality you are finding that many things that you are being told just do not make any sense. There are so many missing pieces and it seems that there are either no investigations or the investigations that they have completed are lacking in many, many ways.

The military is of no help and most likely tells you that their reports will remain as they were written. They certainly do not tell you that there are many other families all across the country who are facing the same problems as you are. The last thing that they want is for you to be in contact with another family who is going through the same thing. So instead what they do is discredit you, call you a greiving parent, tell you that you misunderstand just about everything that they have told you and yes they even call you crazy.

What do you do ~ where do you go for help. Prior to 1992 many families thought they were all alone in their struggle to find the truth. It wasn't until a reporter named Peter Cary wrote a story for US News And World Report that they found out that they weren't. Peter did a story about mysterious deaths in the military and the military's investigative failures.

One by one those that read his story contacted Peter and he gave the names and information of other families that he had spoken to. By Peter doing this people were finally able to speak with someone who was also facing not only the loss of a child but the same obstacles that they were. He allowed them to do what the military had hoped would never happen. They were able to not only communicate but to organize and in November 1992 "Until We Have Answers" was formed. At that time there were 8 members.

The name "Until We Have Answers" was chosen by Robyn Hall. We began a letter writing campaign. We had members of our families and friends join us as we wrote to sepecific list of media and government contacts, addressing each one at a specific date, so they would hear from us all at once.

We were able to attract much media attention, which then got us the attention of our state representatives and senators, and with the help of the aides of Representatives Pallone (New Jersey) and Levy (New York), were able to set up a meeting with the House Armed Services Subcommittee on Personnel in May 1993.

Just prior to this, ABC news program 20/20 did a story on three of the children of group members: Kirk Vanderbur, Scott Jakovic and Michael Leslie.

Because of all the local and national publicity we'd received, our hopes were very high for substantive reform and answers in our individual cases when we met in Washington. However, despite all our work, and subsequent legislation and numerous re-investigations by the DOD, we have yet to see a single case reversed. The investigative agencies have made some changes in the rules for investigating self-inflicted deaths, but we are still seeing cases where these rules are not applied; further, we do not feel the changes were substantive enought to enforce real change.

As a group, we've worked long and hard, with little result. Many of us have chosen to go on with our lives and try to accept what we cannot change, others are still actively pursuing their cases. However, we remain united in our goal of educating the public and supporting those parents who have yet to endure this agony.

[ericasmom]

Thanks Betsy for the research and information for web-usage, I will read up on it and act.

I do think a glass of wine near the river is a good way to spend time with your Dear Son. Marking his date in a quiet toast to his Life, the river a symbol of everlasting peace, at least for me. I know that you find rivers a place of inspiration. I wish you some peaceful signs from RIch as you approach this anniversary.

Susannah, I do hope that more people will definitely jump on that bandwagon. Thank heavens for people shedding light on this.

Kate, not going crazy at all. Many here have gone to 'seer's' and Trudi just saw Ms. Dubois who connects to those who have crossed over. I have a book by JOhn Edwards who did the show Crossing Over and even before we had our tragedy, have read some on the NDE. I believe and I am glad that I had that belief before I lost my Girl. I do hope that you will enjoy the weekend as best you can. BREATHE.

[shorty16]

Well gang

I really was considering to ask Aaron if he wanted to join the armed forces. After reading Susannah's post, I am scared.

So sad.

Where are our kids safe?

Colleen

[dwsmithrn]

hi....seems there is no where safe for our kids, even when we think the grown-up ones are finally safe.....

does life just suck, or what?

i will jump on the band wagon for that crazy bill....what will the government try to do to us next? send a live-in person to watch us poop?

betsy, i know rich's angelversary is coming up a few days before nathan's....wish i lived close enough to go with you to the river and share the wine....would be nice to have a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on.....will be thinking of you and your angel....

dee...thank you for your kind words....i really think i am taking some forward steps....seems like yesterday on some days that i don't want to get out of bed and move, but on other days, i do see some progress. this month has been tough and i do seem to have taken a few steps backward....but, as we all know, there is no answer to the pain. it is what it is.

i know i told you all the kids will be gone during this next weekend and i was heartbroken....but, i do know they need to see their grandmother seeing how sick she is and we really see the end of her life soon. that i understand, but 'that' weekend is what really got to me. anyway, my daughter called me and asked if i wanted to do something for nathan's birthday early this week...i said, no, it's really not his birthday and we had made plans to go out-ot-town and be with our friends we had made some plans for his angelversary, so i'll just plan on that for now. she was quiet for a moment, then hesitant, then said, ok, well, let me go get these kids to bed and we said good-bye and hung up. i don't know if she was mad, sad, or hurt. i have been pretending, walking on eggshells for her...i have been told i cannot cry or talk about nathan around her and then she throws this at me. so, why in the hell would i do this with her.....she deliberately made these plans to be away from me on this particular weekend so she wouldn't see me cry, and now she feels guilty, so she wants to make amends by taking me somewhere to have a b'day for nathan when it isn't even on his real b'day. i can't do it...not even for her....she will be with all of her siblings...all of my children and grandchildren will be there...my ex...and the grandparents...they will have their own kind of celebration and i will be here all alone, except my hubby and best friend. so, am i a bad person, or what????? she just wanted to do something to keep from feeling so guilty herself. i did not cry or change my voice or sound sad or mad....i just stated the facts and told her we had already made plans for the weekend . i am guessing she thought i was ok about everything. in fact, i have never mentioned being upset or mad or sad to the 2 boys at all. never said one word about it. i have learned to do exactly what nathan did.....put up the perfect front....i can talk to them like nothing is wrong....i can hide my grief and my depression so well now. i know it is not a good thing, but now i know why nathan did it. i can now understand why.....you learn you have to make everyone around you happy. i have learned i have to make my 3 kids happy, because they need that from me. they really don't care how i feel or why, they just want to make sure 'they' are happy and can relax and go about their everyday lives. so, that is why i now have 2 personalities. my 'at home and best friend and grieving mom' persona....and my 'one for the kids' persona.....i can keep this up as long as i need to. then every one is happy....except me.

ok...enough from me today......hope you all have a nice weekend and you can find some sign from your beautiful angels today.....i have been looking for another sign from nathan and haven't found one in a long while. how i would love to feel him again.....i miss him. love, diane

[mom24]

Hi everyone. I haven't been on here for a few days but wanted to say thanks for the reply's. I was very touched by Coleen, Dee, and Susan. I hope someday I can feel Zach, or at least have a peace about what happened to him after death. I am just trying to survive-- sorry I haven't been as supportive to others as you have all been to me. I am truly sorry for the other newcomers-- I am thankful we have each other though. A family member yelled at me for talking about death and being "negative".. At least I am understood here. Thank you all.

[vivkib]

Oh Diane, I am so sorry you feel the need to not be sad and greive for the sake of others. I am thankful I have the support of not only my children, who tell me all the time "it's ok mom, cry. You don't have to always be strong for us. Kevin was your son" but the support of my ex-husband (Kevin's dad), his new wife (they married 11 days after Kevin died because he wouldn't want to be the cause of them posponing it), and her 3 beautiful girls. We have what we call a funtionally dys-funtional family. We all encourage each other to call and talk on good or bad days. We are all there for each other. Kevin was and will always be a big part of our lives and we feel it would be a disservice to not talk about him any chance we get. It makes me so sad to hear other families that can not do the same. As Nathan's mom I know the need is so great to talk about him and greive the loss of one of the most beautiful gifts in your life. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.

[Jeff's Mom]

hi....seems there is no where safe for our kids, even when we think the grown-up ones are finally safe.....

does life just suck, or what?

i will jump on the band wagon for that crazy bill....what will the government try to do to us next? send a live-in person to watch us poop?

betsy, i know rich's angelversary is coming up a few days before nathan's....wish i lived close enough to go with you to the river and share the wine....would be nice to have a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on.....will be thinking of you and your angel....

dee...thank you for your kind words....i really think i am taking some forward steps....seems like yesterday on some days that i don't want to get out of bed and move, but on other days, i do see some progress. this month has been tough and i do seem to have taken a few steps backward....but, as we all know, there is no answer to the pain. it is what it is.

i know i told you all the kids will be gone during this next weekend and i was heartbroken....but, i do know they need to see their grandmother seeing how sick she is and we really see the end of her life soon. that i understand, but 'that' weekend is what really got to me. anyway, my daughter called me and asked if i wanted to do something for nathan's birthday early this week...i said, no, it's really not his birthday and we had made plans to go out-ot-town and be with our friends we had made some plans for his angelversary, so i'll just plan on that for now. she was quiet for a moment, then hesitant, then said, ok, well, let me go get these kids to bed and we said good-bye and hung up. i don't know if she was mad, sad, or hurt. i have been pretending, walking on eggshells for her...i have been told i cannot cry or talk about nathan around her and then she throws this at me. so, why in the hell would i do this with her.....she deliberately made these plans to be away from me on this particular weekend so she wouldn't see me cry, and now she feels guilty, so she wants to make amends by taking me somewhere to have a b'day for nathan when it isn't even on his real b'day. i can't do it...not even for her....she will be with all of her siblings...all of my children and grandchildren will be there...my ex...and the grandparents...they will have their own kind of celebration and i will be here all alone, except my hubby and best friend. so, am i a bad person, or what????? she just wanted to do something to keep from feeling so guilty herself. i did not cry or change my voice or sound sad or mad....i just stated the facts and told her we had already made plans for the weekend . i am guessing she thought i was ok about everything. in fact, i have never mentioned being upset or mad or sad to the 2 boys at all. never said one word about it. i have learned to do exactly what nathan did.....put up the perfect front....i can talk to them like nothing is wrong....i can hide my grief and my depression so well now. i know it is not a good thing, but now i know why nathan did it. i can now understand why.....you learn you have to make everyone around you happy. i have learned i have to make my 3 kids happy, because they need that from me. they really don't care how i feel or why, they just want to make sure 'they' are happy and can relax and go about their everyday lives. so, that is why i now have 2 personalities. my 'at home and best friend and grieving mom' persona....and my 'one for the kids' persona.....i can keep this up as long as i need to. then every one is happy....except me.

ok...enough from me today......hope you all have a nice weekend and you can find some sign from your beautiful angels today.....i have been looking for another sign from nathan and haven't found one in a long while. how i would love to feel him again.....i miss him. love, diane

Diane...I know it is tough. I also know that when I read of others that are receiving the support of family and friends it makes me happy for them and sad for myself. We cannot help what family we were born into and how others handle hard times. We can only control our own actions and hope others will find compassion in our need. Life is so hard. But I also see that you mentioned you were going to be with your hubby and best friend. That in itself is a blessing. I am like you in many ways. Our sons died unnecessarily...BUT we have that significant other that is a rock in our time of need. I am here for anyone to listen to when they feel a need just to express their true feelings. There is no judgement here on anyone. And you can always be yourself on this forum. That goes for everyone else as well. Make yourself a warm comforting cup of tea or coffee and settle in and just talk. Others here care and will listen to you.

Your big day is coming up and I totally understand the reluctance and dread you feel as it approaches. Are you planning anything to honour Nathan on that day? We spent the day in quiet reflection and took flowers into the site. I know it is hard. Please look after yourself and stay strong. (HUGS)

Kate

[Deana]

I see so many post that I can understand. Not sure how I can ever be so helpful. I only feel like I bring sad feelings. Tomorrow is 6 weeks! How do you overcome the complete sadness? Please forgive me for only posting my problems and not responding to others! I do pray for all each night. Just not able to gather the words to post.

http://broussards1889.com/keepsake_files/8260_Rogers,%20Jared%20Keepsake.pdf

[Jeff's Mom]

I see so many post that I can understand. Not sure how I can ever be so helpful. I only feel like I bring sad feelings. Tomorrow is 6 weeks! How do you overcome the complete sadness? Please forgive me for only posting my problems and not responding to others! I do pray for all each night. Just not able to gather the words to post.

http://broussards188...%20Keepsake.pdf

Deana ...that is why we are here. Apologies are not necessary. You are not under any obligation to help others. There is no pressure. We are here because we are in the same position as you. Believe me...we have walked in your shoes...and that my dear friend is why we are here to offer our support and a shoulder to cry on. I often just scan the posts. Not able to enter into discussion. There are days I am as emptied out as you. Take care of yourself and remember that this forum is a place to come when you are feeling a need to be honest about your hurt and open up honestly when others can or will not understand. Take care.

[RonnieAlt]

Deana ...that is why we are here. Apologies are not necessary. You are not under any obligation to help others. There is no pressure. We are here because we are in the same position as you. Believe me...we have walked in your shoes...and that my dear friend is why we are here to offer our support and a shoulder to cry on. I often just scan the posts. Not able to enter into discussion. There are days I am as emptied out as you. Take care of yourself and remember that this forum is a place to come when you are feeling a need to be honest about your hurt and open up honestly when others can or will not understand. Take care.

Kate, you are such a humble person, when your posts have blessed me beyond comprehension! You aGoe such a blessing, you have made me laugh and made me cry and wonder where you get the strength you have You have made me feel like everything was OK even for a short time. God Bless You.

I am so grateeufl to have an Indigo Family, you bless me, you bring me up from the bottome of despair, and you understand everything I say no matter how bizarre it sounds. Thank God for you all.

[ericasmom]

Ronnie, I do agree with you, Kate is a strong force here and speaks from her heart. Deana, never feel that you are here to help...but one day you will help others because you will know what it is they are going through having been through the early grief yourself. Not now, you are just starting out, you are just learning how to wake up each day and try to survive. I have been here for a long long time, Erica left us in 2003 and many others here are years out from that first year, hardest year of all in my opinion, though I think I had my biggest melt down as I approached the second year anniversary. But that first year, there is nothing easy about it and folks are raw during that time, the wounds are fresh and horribly painful. A shattered heart is hard to work with, and yet we do, we just do, in part because we are still here for a reason, and in part because our Child would expect us to keep getting up each day and walking a bit further, a bit longer, hang on, and one day the color of the sky will matter again, the song from the birds will lighten your mood, but not right now, right now is the hardest part. Hang on.

[mikesmum]

Hi Indigo’s, I've been up for hours which seems to be par for the course lately. My new usual wake-up time is 4am. Now if I had cows and chickens that needed to be miked and fed this would be ok, but I don't.

I have been looking at the pictures I have of Rich and Sarah and try my best to beat the darkness of some thoughts back. Many questions. No answers. I can't unring a bell. My son made me laugh. He was a wise young man and often so straight forward in speech and feeling I had to wonder how he knew so much at such a young age. Or am I hindered by age,aging and the many thoughts and fears that hold us back? Or did he know how short his life would be and holding back from anything, given risks consideration, it would be to late? Isn't that true for us all?

OK, very important. I feel our lifeline here at grieving.com may be in danger . For all that are member,s that post, for all that read and don't post, for all that visit, please take note of my post under HELP?Questions regarding SOPA.

Rich would not have liked it much if I did not share this. I don't rally for much but this I feel is very important. I have asked the owners of this site and the Admins for feedback.

I want to drink some wine on Richie's angelversary. I want to sit by the river and have a glass or 2. I don't know why really. I rarely drink. Could be I want to be numb right now.

Betsy ~ The weather here for Wednesday the 18th is warm, humid and sunny. So I will take at bottle of red, maybe some cheese, spread a blanket at Mike's place on the river and drink to our boys, both too young to be gone.

Diane ~ I have the two side persona. Today at a family gathering for my eldest grand daughters birthday the veneer cracked at little. Its the collision of the 'normal life' and little fragments that pass through the mind. Its only 3 days after Em's birthday that Mike left.

That was the last time we spoke. He rang to say he couldn't make her 8th birthday celebrations. I was angry at the time. Em was his special girl.

Today as I looked around the park by the lake where we held the gathering, the enormity of his absence overwhelmed me. Last time we had a family birthday there was in October 05. Mike was a new dad.

My ex was there today. The brain injured who when told of Mikes death said "Well he got what he always wanted". He has no concept of Mike being gone ~ I long for a brain injury like his. One where he forgets everything. The intact family of my daughters in-laws, three sons and a daughter. How can it be they are together and we are not.

One very tired old lady posting tonight. Grandies stayed over this weekend. I forget how mentally and physically tired I get now. Not sure if its old age, grief or just plain 'had enough'.

Peace to the Indigo's here....

[shellyku]

Good Morning Indigos - Been reading every day, and like some others have mentioned, just can't

find the words to post. I would like to, however, send prayers to those of you who have an angelversary

in this month of January: Trudi, Betsy, Diane and anyone I have missed.

Carol - I pray all is going as well as can be expected with your Mike. I remember the ports, and the

sticks, and the treatments when Sarah was sick with leukemia. You find, don't you, that you learn

more medical terminology than you ever thought you'd have to know, but when it comes to your loved

one, you'll do anything. I'm sure, sadly, you went through that with young Mike. My prayers to you both.

Deana - we haven't met, but I read your post with the attachment about your boy. Absolutely beautifully

done! What a guy! The poem at the end was very touching. I pray for your healing.

May all Indigos have a blessed day, with a little visit from their angel sprinkled in for good measure!

Shelly

[mysonrich]

Hi Trudi, it sounds like a good plan. Our weather will be mostly sunny with a high of 36F. ( 2.22C. Yes, I did look up the conversion ) I will be taking a blush wine from a local vineyard, hat,gloves,parka and maybe I'll join you in the cheese if I can do so without taking off my gloves.

I do not believe in coincidence much anymore. Sure, they are many and many people that would explain away the sameness, likeness and “coincidence” , like our pictures. I did not take this one. We used to go to this spot by the river. On the far side is a small island, which I am told once held a mill. What is left of the mill,the foundation, created rapids for kayakers to practice on. If you could walk along the bank to the right,there is a path that allows swimmers to enter the river, catch the current,sometimes fast, and be deposited at this very spot in front of the girls. Its shallow there. Many walks in the near-by wood that once held summer cottages for the city folk years and years ago.

I'll be there. I took the day off.

Shelly, thank you.

attachment=6231:industrial_canal_riffle.jpg]

[Jeff's Mom]

Kate, you are such a humble person, when your posts have blessed me beyond comprehension! You aGoe such a blessing, you have made me laugh and made me cry and wonder where you get the strength you have You have made me feel like everything was OK even for a short time. God Bless You.

I am so grateeufl to have an Indigo Family, you bless me, you bring me up from the bottome of despair, and you understand everything I say no matter how bizarre it sounds. Thank God for you all.

Ronnie...thanks for your kind words. As far as being strong...well I am the same as everybody else here. Good and bad days. In fact,I was so tired last night...forgot to sign out I see!!! YIKES! Definitely getting older.

Woke up this morning to sun and a high of plus 1C. Again another winter wonderland with freshly fallen snow covering the trees and foliage. Truly beautiful. Then dropping to a chilly...oh heck...may as well say it...darned bloody cold rest of the week. -30C. This government ought to pay us to live in this part of the country instead of taxing us to death!!!! So my thoughts will be with everyone as they lovingly remember their children this week sitting along the river side. Wish I could join you. And I most certainly will in thought.

Wishing all of you a peaceful day. (HUGS)

Kate

[Susie_q512]

Strange, this grief. Such a strange combination of feelings, thoughts, emotions, delusions. It still seems like she is away visiting someone or some place. Yet, there is a deep sadness.....a sorrow that is indescribable. Usually, in the early hours around 2 or 3 in the morning, the tears come. I just don't understand, can't understand. I go through the necessary motions, but I am dead inside....dead to everything accept those things associated with grief. Nothing really matters because I compare everything to Shannon's death. Everything is meaningless compared to this reality. I just want my girl back. I want our relationship back. How can this be when wicked people are allowed to live and prosper? How does one accept the unacceptable? I don't see me ever reconciling with this new reality. And, it seems like punishment for something....like God did an "I'll show you!" number on me....I'm so angry at God right now that I should probably just keep silent on that topic.

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan...I wish I had the answers to your questions. But I don't. I personally feel that you have done amazingly well... given the short time that has passed since Shannon's death. I know that frustration and anger often sets in for many. Life is not fair. Why some bad people appear to thrive is beyond me. That is an age old question. My fervent hope is that when I pass away I will find out the answers to many of the questions that I have been pondering all of my life. Hopefully, the pieces of the puzzle will suddenly become crystal clear and fall into place. And my greatest heartfelt desire is that I will see that all of my loved ones had moved on into a wonderful new existence. That I had been fretting for ages for nothing. That they were out of pain and enjoying this new life. I am afraid that death is inevitable. It will come to us all. It is easy for me to feel that Jeff was short changed. That he missed out on the things in life that he should have experienced. But that was not my call.

My closest girlfriend... when I was a kid, died of heart problems when she was twelve. Today, she would probably be alive given the amazing new progress made in research in heart treatment. Her family were shattered and we all were. She knew she was going to die. She faced it with the courage of a mature adult. She fully believed that she was going to be taken to a wonderful place. When I remember her fondly today I have to agree that I feel she was given all those extra years of bliss...while it was my lot to remain and learn something. We grow through our pain and adversity. It hurts like heck. But if we can allow ourselves to be perfectly honest in our heart...well, seeing our own imperfections is the hardest thing to do. Coming face to face with our failures and doing something about it is really hard! Perhaps our children had already learned whatever it was that was required. I wish we could all be taken suddenly and painlessly. Don't we all. Another question that I do not understand is the why it happens in the manner it does.

Stay strong...Shannon is behind you all the way. Her loving and sweet nature is something that even I feel when I look at her picture. A real litle doll. She can't be any where but in a blissful place. One day your pain will soften. You will start to be able to breathe again...and it won't hurt quite as much as it does today. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Set some Susan time aside. Stay healthy...eat properly, take vitamins and exercise. Do it for yourself and do it for Shannon.

[mikesmum]

Betsy ~ I looked at your pic and was amazed at the similarity between that and the river where I sit. The canoes for a start. Its supposed to be 28C here Wednesday with a shower in the afternoon. So T -shirt weather

Susan ~ It is what it is, grief in all its forms. Tears in the early hours, questions that go unanswered, faiths and beliefs challenged beyong the realms of possibility. As Kate says I wish I had the answers to your questions but sometimes I wonder if there is an answer that would ease our ache.

I in the beginning I couldn't fathom how my heart kept beating, my lungs took in air and my life it seemed continued. The overwhelming pain and depth of depair like nothing I had experienced or believed you could survive. As for a 'punishment' for something ~ well you can spend your life sifting through the mintues of your life going slowly insane trying to find the one thing that 'deserves' the taking of your childs life.

Yet here I am just days away from Mikes 5th angelversary, my heart still beats albeit with multiple arrythmia's, I still breathe, although sometimes it feels like I can't and when I look around life has continued.

Be kind to yourself and take care ~ Words I remember from those who went before me

[shorty16]

Deana,

I agree with the others. You are too new to this journey to be expected to offer help to others - we know that. I am 3.5 years into this grief and I still need help from my friends here.

I do try to offer wisdom, but sometimes I cannot.

For me, it is anger. Anger that i cannot seem to shake. I am so angry at the 2 other boys involved in Brian's death. Still - 3.5 years later.

I must also say that the guilt I felt for almost 3 years has subsided. A wise man named Greg posted "You will beat your head against the wall until you just cannot do it anymore." And that is what happened. I analyzed, thought about and tortured myself on what I could have, should have done until I just came up empty every time. It was repeated until I just came to the conclusion that I am a good Mom and would have given my life for my son, still would.

Be kind to yourself and soak-up the wisdom of those that walk before us.

Thanks

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmum]

Deana,

I agree with the others. You are too new to this journey to be expected to offer help to others - we know that. I am 3.5 years into this grief and I still need help from my friends here.

I do try to offer wisdom, but sometimes I cannot.

For me, it is anger. Anger that i cannot seem to shake. I am so angry at the 2 other boys involved in Brian's death. Still - 3.5 years later.

I must also say that the guilt I felt for almost 3 years has subsided. A wise man named Greg posted "You will beat your head against the wall until you just cannot do it anymore." And that is what happened. I analyzed, thought about and tortured myself on what I could have, should have done until I just came up empty every time. It was repeated until I just came to the conclusion that I am a good Mom and would have given my life for my son, still would.

Be kind to yourself and soak-up the wisdom of those that walk before us.

Thanks

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

You have come far 'grasshopper'.

[Deana]

Kate, Dee, Shelly, Colleen and anyone else that I missed. Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I spent the 6 week point looking at pictures. Crying, but a good soft, loving tears. My anger at Jared has subsided, now I am not sure who I am angry at.

Susan, My heart hurts for you, as I do understand the anger.

[Rhett's Mom]

My son died on 12/31/2011, he was visiting his father for the holidays and died from pneumonia in his sleep. This is my first post and I'm so broken I don't know what to do. I was doing ok until this weekend now I feel as my whole world has exploded in my face.

Im supposed to go back to work tomorrow and I'm having horrible aniexty attacks just thinking about it.

My baby is dead- gone forever- I'll never be able to hug, talk or kiss him again. I know he is in heaven - but I

Miss him so much.

[hotrod]

(((Dear Rhett'sMom)))

I am so very sorry to read about the loss of your oh so precious son, .Rhett. I am glad that you found this very special place because it is filled with parents who have experienced the profound loss of a child and are able to identify with your pain and offer solace and compassion.

I lost my only son and child Stephen 4 years. The parents here in this beautiful community helped to save my sanity and life.

Please keep posting and reading I found that setting up an album in the Gallery section of this site helped to increase my connection to all the members.

When you can come back and share all your wonderful memories We love to listen

[summergirl]

Lost my post so I guess I was not meant to write tonight. I have read all posts and I keep you all in my prayers and hugs to all, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Deana, Jared is a handsome young man. I looked through your lovely site as well, so many good memories of your Young Man. Six weeks, while a lifetime in many ways, is also at the same time, very early on this road. Hang on to us and we will help you as best we can.

Same to you Rhett's Mom, so sad that you are on this road alongside all of us, but you have looked for this kind of place out of your aching heart and soul adn here we are. All of us just like you when we started out, broken and unable to fathom going on with this kind of pain. No loss is greater than the loss of our Children. We get it, and we ask that you hang on and tell us what you can when you can, we will listen adn we will hold you in our thoughts each day along with everyone here. I am Dee, Mom of Erica Eileen whose car was struck by an Amtrak at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan 8.5 years ago. She died 6 days later. I found this place at around the 6 month mark and have found a second home here, a place that I was helped beyond measure and now a place where I can reach out and help others if possible. There are many fine people here, some just ahead of you on the timeline, some of us way ahead of you and we leave our footsteps for you to walk in to help navigate your way. I am so sorry for your Loss.

[mysonrich]

Rhett's Mom, I am sorry for your loss, your beautiful son Rhett. You have found your way to a group of compassionate people that will always listen and when asked, offer guidance, a shoulder to cry on or just to vent your feelings of whatever your wish to write about. Tell us more of Rhett and as Betty suggested, the gallery is a great place to post pictures.

My only son Rich died almost 3 years ago the 18^th of January, Just a couple days away and I find that I stumble again. There is no time frame on grief or the manner in which we learn to live in this world. I have found that what others have felt after 2 years of the loss of our children, I now have similar experiences at 3 years. A delay? I would have to say my way of dealing. Slowly. A road that will take our lifetime to travel but not to say we,you won't find a soft place again. I smile at times now in the midst of tears because I miss my boy.

Indigo's, I shut my phone off 2 days ago and haven't missed it. I suppose I am hiding in a way but also, stowing the BS of late. We all know the importance of our angel dates, We all know that others don't always. I doubt that anyone besides Sarah and Sarah and Richie’s dad know of the cloud that floats on the horizon,slowly making its way to us. I would hope and pray that Sarah doesn't feel this as heavily on her shoulders. On her mind.

I read much lately of the front we put on. The mask that we wear. Society wouldn’t approve or know how to deal with hard fact of death and grief in everyday life and we certainly don't want to make others uncomfortable do we. Ha! These past two days I have blocked out that world that doesn't remember or want to understand that we just don't get over it. I'll turn the phone back on later. The only person I worry about is Sarah and she can reach me others ways. I'm just tired of my act. I'll just be me these next dew days.

Wasington DC. Sarah,17. Rich, 15. A stop on the drive. My sister and BIL invited us to OBX that summer. My sister died . My BIL called one day and asked us to come on down :-). The house that we stayed in had a guestbook. It allowed vistors to write of their experience while there. yes, it was fun and hot! the hardest part to write was that my sister wasn't there. who knew she would be waiting for Rich in just 4 years. I always thought Richies dog Cole would be first to greet him.Somehow, I really think this.

[shorty16]

The Packers Lost

Boo Hoo, I am crying in my cornflakes

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Sorry for the salty cornflakes Col. Yes, we were rooting for the Packers, but it just was not their day.

Prayers for an Oak Park, Illinois family whose Daughter died a few days ago, heart issues unknown till that moment...her big sis went to school with Jonathan and Shannon, prayers as we really know what it is they must travel.

Peace one day-

PS Betsy, love the photo and I think turning your phone off is a move toward a more peaceful surrounding in this quiet reflective time.

PSS, going for a test where I will likely be aching later today, micro-calcifications found in breast- please wish my results to be clear! Results won't be in today so fingers crossed.

[Susie_q512]

Kate & Trudi - Thank you for you words to me. This journey is so complex. I am overwhelmed at times because the emotions are so intense. Often it is a mixture of competing thoughts and emotions that are so difficult to sort through. I mostly just want to be left alone. Although I still get some things accomplished in the course of a day, motivation is really lacking. It takes a lot of effort to stop procrastinating and get up and do something. I am also grumpy and more likely to snap at someone....like I'm tightly wound. Par for the course, I guess.

Rhett's Mom - I remember so well those first few weeks and months after Shannon died. The disbelief, anxiety, desperation, panic, and literal heart break. I've come to believe that grief is an entity with a life and mind of its own. It takes us and does what it wants with us. We are tossed from one point to another much like an out of control roller coaster. I also found this site soon after Shannon's death, at 20 days after the accident. I found it helped me because I connected with others who absolutely knew and understood where I was and what I was facing. I'm also a seeker of sorts, so I read a lot about grief and the various stages. That seemed to help me identify the emotions I was experiencing, and helped me understand that it was normal to be experiencing them. This depth of loss shakes us to our very core....literally strips us down and leaves us exposed. It challenges all we ever held faith in and believed to be true and right. In the beginning, sometimes all we can do is take one jagged breath at a time, get from one moment to the next. As others have said, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel and grieve for your precious son. I am so sorry that you are on this path with us. No parent should ever out-live their child. This is a safe place. You are free to cry, scream, rage, question, bare your heart and soul....no one will judge you.