Loss of an Adult Child

[raren30]

Morning everyone,

It's so nice to see the sun today. Our summer here has been just terrible we've had nothing but rain, it feels like fall half the time. Even the leaves are starting to change colors. Ericasmom I loved how you said about the angels welcoming the new souls it touched my heart. Does everyone live in the states? I live in canada. Today so far is a good day for me. My fiance has the day off so we might go out and do some shopping, if the sun stays out maybe the three of us will go for a picnic. My daughter came up with a great idea for a memorial service for Emilia, She wants us to write our feelings and thoughts and words we want to tell emilia and put them into helium filled balloons and send them off into the air. Dont know if I'm ready yet, its still so fresh in my mind. Does this get better? Well before I start rambling I should go and get me some caffeine.

Have a good day everyone.

[ericasmom]

Newbie, mom of Emilia, you are not rambling. You are simply letting out what is inside and we get to know you better with that. I hope that yo do have a picnic today and that you feel a tiny slice of peace.

It has been a rainy summer here too, near Chicago. Have you ever been here? It has been extremely hot this year as well. I know that when the seasons change, even when the signs are quite early, it jabs at our hearts as it is a sign of change, or time moving on without our Child. Right after Erica was killed, my niece Kate became pregnant adn she was so excited to tell me as she felt Eri was blessing the family with growth in her absence. But the baby Katie was loving was not healthy and the ultra sound showed major concerns and confirmed that her Son had trisonme 18, a genetic issue that would not allow the child to live even if he went full term. The decision was made to deliver him at 5 months in a hospital. We gathered around Katie and her husband Matt, once again in a hospital with so many loved ones. We cried together and when it came time for Katie to deliver him, she said what helped her most was to envision handing her little boy over to ERica's awaiting arms, knowing that her Son would be in the Arms of an Angel. I cry even now thinking of how brave she had to be in that most sad moment for her, after our family had dealt with such a blow with Eri leaving. Happily, she became pregnant again and now has two children ages 6 and 3.

I think that if your 10 year old has come up with this idea, then she may very well be ready and able to do this. It may be important for her to make this happen because kids grieve differently and on a much different time table, so honoring her this kind of memorial may be healing to her. Just a thought.

[shorty16]

Emilia's Mom

We sent ballons with notes in them in the air at Brian's first angelversary. My family also created a balloon for each of the angels on this site at the time. Too many to count. That helped me realize that I am not alone in this grief journey. I never knew anyone who had lost a child and felt like I was alone in this world. But coming here and talking with others has saved my sanity.

Even one smile today would be an accomplishment you can be proud of. Be kind to yourself. One small step at a time.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey. We are all here, because we lost children. We know how you feel. Just try to smile one time today. That is a good goal - just one.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever (AKA Brain)

[daveydow1]

Sus------We are not "farmers" in the strictest sense of the word. We rent our land out to a nearby farm...

they do all the planting/harvesting. We don't have all the equipment required for a full-fledged farm

operation. The garden is mostly kept by my husband, but I helped some with the planting. He's out there

all the time. Oh,.... sewing. I used to make clothes for my kids when they were little.....PJ's, dresses for

the girls, and PJ's for the boys....along with repairs to any clothes that needed it. I used to quilt, but I

think that I will most likely give that up......since I've made quite a few full-sized ones.....lots of work. Yep,...

I, too, think that the older sewing machines with forward straight stitch, zig-zag, and reverse were so

very simple to operate, and worked great. The one I have now is a bit more advanced that the basic, but

is not computerized etc. It would not pay me to get one of those, because I don't make any clothes

anymore. As you said.....by the time you buy all the material and supplies, patterns; it's less expensive to buy, and

save all the hassle. Glad you got your garden area all spiffed up. Take care of the rib injury.

Dee----I, too, wish that no parents had to come here. Wouldn't it be nice if there were never a need for

a site like this ? However, since there is the need........it sure is good to have a place to come and pour

out our sorrow to people who understand, and to reach out to try to help each other and new people

coming on. We had a slight rain this a.m., then it heated up to nearly 90 with humidity so high, ...it's like

a sauna. Heading to the basement to cool off. Thank goodness for that area. Dehumidifier is working

like crazy.

Betsy---"Bluestone" farm must be lovely place. I lived on a large farm, but that was years ago. I'm a farm-

girl at heart, but not a farmer now. We live in the midst of many farms, though, so it is nice to see the

changes of seasons and the work that gets done in each season.

echof----I'm sorry for your loss of your sweet daughter, Stacey. I love the pic you took of her. She's such a

lovely sunshine girl. As you said........She will inspire you somehow in your photography. The helium balloons

release will be a good idea. Please come back to this site......(formerly call BEYOND INDIGO ), until the site

format was changed.....so some of us still refer to it as BI...Beyond Indigo. Peace & prayers for you in this

time of your great pain and sorrow.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[rlolheiser]

Just a quick note

I talked with my oldest daughter, and she told me her children have come up with a plan for JaBoa's home town. It all started with fixing JaBoa's bike for her little sister. Then the older kids who have been in their own frustrations of losing their cousin who was most like a sister, decided that they were going to become a bike fixit place. They have cleaned out their garage, and got hold of the police and city.. they are asking for donations of old bikes to fix up for kids that can't buy their own. They are giving kids that have nothing to do something to do, the town is a oil boom town that has become so unfit for all. They are letting kids work, to give to other kids.. I was so surprised by their plan.... but what brings it off for everybody.. they are calling themselves JaBoa's Angels.. I told them I would try to get them t shirts or something to give it a feeling of being real.. I have to say.. I am really proud of them.. they are aged 20, 18, 16, and 14... God help them and watch over them and may they have the help of their little Angel.

I wanted to share that little information with you all.. even if it doesn't work out.. it shows me JaBoa is still touching their lives

[westleysmom]

Leah-That is so wonderful. I know you are proud of them and JaBoa is too. I hope it works out the way they plan.

Emilia's Mom-I'm so sorry for your loss. That is a beautiful name for your beautiful angel. It will get better, but we never forget them because part of our hearts is missing. Hugs

Greg-That picture is so cute. She looks so much like her Daddy.

Echofc-I'm so sorry for your loss and welcome you here where we all wish we didn't belong. But we have found each other, and it helps to have friends who understand. Love the picture of your sweet girl.

[ericasmom]

What a wonderful plan Leah, JaBoa's Angels, working to help other children. WHAT could be better? Super idea.

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

Leah Thank you so much for that uplifting story Teenagers can truly surprise you "JaBoa's Angels" how appropriate. That really touched my heart

Sherry I love hearing about your house and land and all the fine critters that venture to visit Your love of nature and all life is so evident. Sewing , and making cloths as you and Sus discuss is so very artistic. I am in no way creative.

Rhonda Glad to see Westley's handsome face and to read you word I am in the summer Blues myself but just coming here and connecting helps

Dee Thank you for being so uplifting and inclusive in all your words

Betsy Your Dad does not know what he missed by not participating in a relationship with you and the children His loss!!

Carol Hope you AND rALPJ ARE ok i KNOW DAMON WAS OUT OF TOWN AND MISSED

TRUDIE Glad that you are picking out pain and that Sir Mutley is doing well

Talk tomorrow Indigos

[shellyku]

Good Evening Indigos! Thank you all for your welcoming words. I am happy to have found

this site and all the wonderful people on it...you are all so kind and compassionate.

Betsy you asked what part of PA I am from - I live in Allentown, born and raised. It has

changed so much from when I was a youngen, but I'm sure that can be said about a lot

of places! Susannah, I realize Steph's angelversary is coming up, and the reason her

date resonates with me is it is the date of my Sarah's birthday. I pray for strength and

peace for you on that day.

Rhonda, Sue, Dee and Diane - thank you for your kind words. I guess coming up on the

first angelversary for Sarah I can't put into words how I'm feeling. I have so much I want

to say but it's hard to get from my heart to my mouth. I will find a way as I go.

I will say goodnight now and pray you all have beautiful dreams of your precious child.

[Guest msnher]

I just lost a post welcoming the newer people and commenting to the more familiar ones. Sheese! I wrote some good stuff, too! Too tired to do it again. In a nutshell what I said was "We've been where you are and there is hope for an easier, softer day."

[raren30]

Hi everyone,

I was having a good day until I woke from my nap. My daughter wasn't any where. My fiance drove to the park and she wasnt there i called everyone and still nothing. Finally after an hour we find a note on the kitchen table telling us that she went to my dads. So i phone my dad and he pretty much tells me im a bad mother cause im not watching her. And when she gets up super early in the morning and is phoning everyone that i should get off my ass and be a parent. I am so peed off right now.

just needed to vent.

On the plus side I had a dream during my nap, it had my fiances grandma in it she passed away in february of this year. She was giving me alot of baking supplies lol maybe im supposed to do some baking havent done much lately.

Hugs to everyone, Hugs to our little angels

[mikesmomrs]

just dropping by to say hello and tell you all that I am thinking of you. Welcome to the new members, though I am so very sorry that you had a need to find this site. I am so sorry for your loss, Emilia's mom (such a beautiful name) and Shellyku, I know you've posted before, but haven't heard from you in a while. I know there was a new gentleman, who I think lost his brother, and I can't recall the details and I am too far ahead to look back while I am posting, or I will lose my post. I just want to tell all of you that yes, your pain is real, your sorrow is real, your need to vent is real, and your need to be understood is very real. We here at BI have been walking this road, some of us for a long time, some less, and some, like yourselves, very new. You will all find comfort, understanding, and true friendship here.

Sue: thank you for sharing Stacy with us..love th epic and the cheeseburger hat...such a beautiful smile. the balloon launch is a great idea...many of us here have used it to let our love go up to our angels. On the day that our son, Mike, died, (from brain cancer...10/14/06) his youngest boy at the time, (then 9 years old) wrote messages to his dad all over a balloon, lit a candle and then let the balloon go up to the sky. It did seem to comfort him. Mike has three boys, and his youngest is 6, his oldest is 15...the youngest wasn't quite two when his daddy died, so he didn't know him very much. We have tried to be sure that he knows as much as possible, and his mommy has also done the same. We live in NH, near the MA border...what town do you live in?

Lorri: I used to have migraines, and they frequently made me throw up...have you had migraines in the past? I am sorry you will be missing Kody, and hope that you are feeling better and continuing to heal.

Bonnie: Speaking of healing, I hope you are doing well with your foot surgery. It was yesterday, wasn't it?

Sus: I am sorry you lost your post...know how that feels. I hope your rib is continuing to heal...I love your story of your gardening...lots of work. I too used to sew...sewed many of the girls clothes, until they started parochial school when Cathi was 11 and Kim was 14. I really enjoyed it but don't think I could do much now. I have been trying to put together a memory quilt for Sarah for three years now (have never done one before) but the only thing I've done is gather the pictures and the material.

Betty: We are all doing fine...Ralph is coming out of a bout of bronchitis, but at least it wasn't pneumonia, so he didn't have to go into the hospital. Damon did return from his trip, had a wonderful time, and was here last week, but this week has not been, as he had strep throat, and of course, Ralph can't be around that, so we won't see him til next week. Thank you for asking. I am sorry you are having the summer blues...sending love and comofrt to you, as well as to Rhonda...

Dee: I am glad the rain has stopped long enough for you to get in your bike ride, and also to allow some of the water to drain from your garden. We've not had any substantial rain here in a while, so I've had to water pretty much every day. Our lawn is hay.

Kathy: Loved the pics of Tavian on the boat...he looks so grownup and serious about what he is doing, which is good because out on a boat pulling traps is surely not something to be taken lightly. Perhaps you have a fisherman on your hands... My dad was a fisherman for 58 years, came here from Newfoundland when he was 12. This is such a good experience for Tav...I am so glad he loves it so.

Leah: "JaBoa's Angels," so sweet, and so creative! Kudos to these young people for being so kind-hearted and imaginative! Thanks for sharing this with us.

Betsy: I am sorry that you are having to deal with this with your dad, and that it has brought up so many sad memories for you. He was not a kind person, and certainly not a loving person. I am glad that Sarah saw through it all and chose to go her own way, without him.

Diane: Glad that you are making progress. We know that sometimes it is three steps forward and two (and sometimes four) steps back, but we are here with you, walking this journey, holding you close. I am pretty sure it was you who mentioned "peeking through the clouds to see our angels..." such a precious thought! I do know that they are peeking through and seeing us, always.

Trudi: I wish I could be there to help you paint, though I am not such a good painter...tend to get more on myself than on what I am painting. It is good to hear you talk of "focus" though and to hear that you are looking forward to a new chapter.

Colleen: So glad that you have such an understanding hubby...Scott is definitely a keeper! You have come a very long way in the past two years, and certainly will be an inspiration and comfort to those new members of Compassionate friends.

Greg: Loved the pic of Alyssa...so cute, and I loved the iphone by her chin, too. Creative of her!

I hope everyone sees some sunshine today, even if it is only a warm feeling in your heart!

[shorty16]

Carol – How is my Hew Hampshire-Girl doing? It seems that Scott and I have been watching a lot of baseball lately. Probably because the Brewers are doing better than years past. Seems we are fair-weather-fans, which is not a good thing, but hey, what can I say.

Lorri – My daughter gets migraines and she vomits often from them. She has had this issue for many years. She finally went to the doctor and he gave her meds, that when taken at the first symptoms, seem to really help. We all are missing our angels right along with you.

Sus – I tried gardening vegetables, but too much work for me. I switched to flowers and I really enjoy it. I do not have everything in neat rows. I just throw seeds out and see what happens. Pleasant surprises have come from that. Good luck.

Betty – How is NYC doing? My sister-in-law and her hubby are in Manhattan and ran into our pastor that did Brian’s funeral – what are the odds. They talked for a while. Surprising who you meet in that area of the country.

Rhonda – I am so glad to see Westley’s beautiful face. I was beginning to wonder if you were OK? OK as we all can be. I still laugh about the super-glue thing. That is something Brian would have done. But Brian would have come up with some crazy story about how it happened. Take care my friend. Consider yourself hugged.

Dee – Is your garden above water yet? Usually after a big rain the mosquitoes make a huge visit. You know, besides the Robin, the mosquitoe is the Wisconsin state bird. That is the only living thing I taught my kids to kill. Spiders, centipedes, all other animals were taken out side to live their life.

Kathy – I continue to marvel at the wonderful job you and hubby do taking care of Tavian. We have not heard too much about the other Grandparents – are they out of the picture now? Tavian is lucky to have you.

Betsy – Funny, how we are taught to respect our parents, but sometimes, that is a hard thing to do. My father is healthy and continues to dis-own me and my kids. All his wealth has been transferred to the 4th wife’s name. I have given that up along time ago. As far as I am concerned, I cannot fit the many houses and businesses through the keyhole of heaven. The Lord does not care about material wealth and you and I have wealth of family and friends and giving back to those that need help. That is what the Lord cares about.

Shelly – I still have a sewing machine that my Mom gave me for my HS graduation. Heavy, metal and works OK for what I need it for. I too made dresses for Michelle, curtains, pillows, etc. Really enjoy that stuff. I am trying to get back into it, but it is hard. You may have inspired me.!!

Emilia’s Mom – “A bad Mom” are you kidding me??? If you were a bad mom you would not be here. I am surprised her would say something like that when you have just lost a child?? What I have found along this grief journey it that family may not mean blood relation. I hear more from my friends on this site than I do my own extended family. My sister is a gem, but as for the rest, not too much. Hang in there my friend.

Shellyku – The first anniversary is tough. Every holiday, important day has passed once, but that does not mean we are used to being without our sweet angels. As Carol said, many of us have done balloons. Great way to remember our angels. Sending hugs your way.

Leah – JaBoa’s Angels. Love it. Fixing Bikes to help those that do not have them is a perfect way to help other and build skills that can be used in the future. Perhaps a call to your local paper to tell them about this wonderful group may be in order?

My friends - Scott leaves for Vegas today. I know he and his bro will have a great time. I will just miss him. Aaron and Michelle both have to work tonigh so it is just me and some cleaning that needs to be done.

Love to all my angels

Colleen, Brian's Mother FOrever

[echofc]

Dear Group,

Going out to lunch with someone I haven't seen since Stacy's funeral. Because i drive a school bus and don't work in the summer I have been able to keep myself somewhat isolated so this is a step for me. I have done most of my interaction on the phone so they don't see how emotional I get. My son just moved out so I have been busy cleaning out his room. I am glad he is doing well and hope the excitement of moving helps him heal. I am thinking I may need to find someone to help me through this but not sure how to find someone. I don't think unless you have been through this there is much they can say. My Stacy had health issues all her life and there were a couple of times we thought we may lose her but she always came through and went on with her life until the cancer. Somehow I thought I had an idea of how painful this would be....but until I felt the finality I wasn't even close. I am so glad I found this site.

Planning a camping trip with my sister to Grand Isle, VT. Taking the camera to take lots of pictures. Making my son's old room into a painting/photo studio. Not professional, just a love I have.

I thank everyone for their advise and support. It is indeed a different kind of journey.

Sue

[westleysmom]

Sue-Babysteps are still steps, so you just keep taking them as you feel able to. It is so hard to find our way and having someone who knows the way is what this group is all about. We all have different circumstances but we are all on pretty much the same sad journey. Hugs

Emilia's Mom-I'm sorry that your Dad made such an insensitive remark to you. You're not a bad mom, you're a grieving post-partum mom who needs rest and support right now. One thing I have learned is people who don't know...don't know. They can't possibly imagine in their wildest imaginings what you are going through, and so they expect more of you than you can give and think you will be the same as before. Nothing will ever be the same, including and most importantly, YOU. We are changed forever by the loss of our babies (and they were all our babies). I hope today is better for you, and if its not, I hope tomorrow is.

Susannah-You're killing me. Whose the cowboy?

Colleen-Have some good alone time and don't do too many chores. Unless that's what you want to do, I mean! When I'm alone, I still have to have something to do so I don't sit around and cry. Heck, do whatever you want to do is what I'm trying to say.

Carol-I'm glad Ralph is better and hope that Damon gets to come visit soon. Thanks for the Happy thoughts and prayers.

Shellyku-Also will be thinking of you as Sarah's birthday comes.

Lorri-my daughter also gets those headaches and throws up, since she was little. I hope you are feeling better and looking forward to your cruise in your new and improved body.

Betty-Hope your summertime blues are getting better too.

I guess I need to get to work, but just wanted to check in with you all. Still hot and miserable here, and our water tastes like dirt. They say its algae and safe to drink, but I'm not so sure that anything that tastes like that is safe. Makes you think about all the people in the world that they say never have safe drinking water and what a problem it is.

Dee, Diane, Bonnie, Sherry, Betsy, Leah, Kathy, Everybody have a good day if you can and like Colleen says, look for something to make you smile.

[ericasmom]

Well Col, enjoy that time alone. Our garden WAS above water until last night when a bucket load of water feel from the skies. We are partially under again, not as bad but some of the flowers that managed to survive the first flood are not having it with this second smaller one. Root rot. The day lilies that I adore are doing well, the ones of so many different colors and hues, and many other things are doing fine, but some just could not handle it.

Sue, new Sue, how old is your Son? Where did he move? Your camping trip sounds peaceful and good for the soul, the plans to turn the room into a photo room is a great way to honor what you love to do, I am pretty sure your Girl is smiling on that idea. And she does have a gorgeous smile. School bus driver...you have patience for sure. So be patient with yourself now, grief takes time and energy, replenish your energy with a good diet of protein and plenty of water. Vitamins.

Carol, glad to hear Ralph is doing better. Sorry he was sick and Damon too. This summer has seen many with the illnesses we see more often in the winter months.

[ericasmom]

day lillies

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - LOL. The real cowboy is the one sitting in the middle so he doesn't have to keep getting out and shutting the gates. A silly joke an old (real) cowboy told after a branding one summer. Yep. In my younger days I helped brand cattle. I actually wrestled and held them.

Love the lillies, Dee. That's a good idea, Colleen. Just scatter some seeds and watch them grow. I think I'll do that for the hills around our property. Wild flowers, I think.

To the newer members I wanted to tell you I remember exactly what I felt like the day I found this site. I was about four months into this journey and didn't understand why it was worse instead of getting better. Those were the days when I was still counting the days. My journal entries begin with "Day two" or "Day 54". It was a very sad, dark time. The pain was not only emotional, it was physical. I think it was Colleen who wrote she couldn't understand how she could be in so much pain and still live. That's how I felt. I felt like I was living in the midst of a major heart attack. I felt like I was swimming in quick sand. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. All I did was cry. Often my tears turned into those heartbreaking gutteral sobs that rise from the pit of your stomach and turn you inside out. I spent a lot of time in my bathroom, in the fetal position on the floor, gripping a towel to my face so no one could hear my cries. I cried into my pillow until sleep would come from pure exhaustion only to be jerked into an alertness with the fact that my daughter had died.

I never thought I'd smile a true smile again. I never thought I'd enjoy living again. It was so wrong that my child was dead and I was alive. The responsibility of raising her children forced me to function at some level, but all I wanted to do was be with my daughter. My love for my husband, my love for my surviving children, my love for my grandchildren...none of that was stronger than my desire to be with my daughter. I would have gladly left all of it to be with her. I wished for death.

This site literally saved my life. Saved my soul. I poured all my sorrow out to you through the keyboards at all hours of the day and night. It was fortunate that I knew how to type because my fingers often went on automatic as the tears streamed down my cheeks to the point I could not see or hardly catch my breath.

I typed my anger, my pain and my questions. I got it all out. Over and over again. I tried to figure it out...I analyzed until all my questions had been asked and I realized there were no adequate answers.

I yelled at God. I yelled about God. I had moments of faith which would renew my hope only to have grief steal it away in the blink of an eye.

There were magical moments. There were signs from Stephanie...powerful signs. I even received some signs and messages from some of your angels. They gave temporary relief. None of it lasting more than a day or two.

I don't know how it happened, I guess I just kept showing up...right here. I just kept reading and "talking". And, then.....somehow the will to live returned in small increments. I began to experience small amounts of joy, which in the beginning left me racked with guilt.

Grief is powerful. It demands our respect and it will not be ignored. I tried to control grief by painting my house (the inside) - that didn't make me feel better. I then decided a change of hair style would make me feel better so I shaved my head to about an inch all over. That didn't make me feel better (made me looke pretty stupid but I didn't care). Finally, I just went to bed and found comfort in carbohydrates.

It took someone else's tragedy to force me back into the land of the living. I'm so sorry for that. I would have rathered I stay in bed for another two years and Sally still have her husband and her children still have their father. But, I understood it. I understood him taking his own life. I wanted to. I understood that he loved his wife and children and family but the pain of losing his son, Joshua, was so great he couldn't face one more day without him.

When Stephanie died I completely understood the story in the bible of the shepard leaving his flock of sheep to find the one that was lost. I got it.

When Jeff died...a man I never met...a family I've never crossed paths with (knowingly) and yet they live five minutes away from me...another mother on this site who shared her sorrow when her son drowned. I remember it...I remember when it happened and made the news...Joshua's drowning. Two years before Stephanie died. I remember praying for his family, this young boy who I didn't know. I remember thinking how my own son and his friends played in the river when they were young. Why this boy? Why Josh?

I followed Sally on facebook. I didn't know who she was when she sent me a friend request....just that she lived in Casper and had lost a child too. That bonded us together.

When she posted that her husband had taken his final journey to be with Joshua I couldn't breath. He had done what I had been wanting to do. Wasn't it just a week before that I thought I could take a bunch of sleeping pills and then just go for a walk down to the river? I thought my family deserved so much more than I was giving. My husband of just four in a half years deserved to be happy, to be married to a woman who laughed (like I used to) to a woman who was interested in making love...fixing his meals, doing his laundry, cleaning his house...instead of life he had been handed with me. He now had a wife who went to bed and stayed there. She no longer grocery shopped, let alone cooked. Laundry? You mean that mountain of clothes in front of the washer? Can you find your cleanest dirty shirt? Do you have clean underwear? Can you just buy a new package of underwear and socks? And, the kids...let's not forget we are now the legal parents of three young children. My daughter's children. For almost two years he was more of a single father, doing the best he could to pick up the slack. The kids. I did what I could for them with what I had which wasn't much. Not really. Not in the scope of things. Television and movies became their mother. Hot pockets, chicken nuggets...anything microwaveable their nutrition. Surely they would be better off with someone who was present in their lives.

I thought it through, you know...my death. I would have everything in order. The house cleaned...organized. I would write a detailed letter letting them know why and how it was the right choice. I knew exactly whom I wanted to raise Stephanie's children. They would be split up, but it would be for the best.

Gary would grieve for a few months but surely one of the women who hated me when he chose me over them would be waiting in the wings to grab him up. He would be free again. Free to travel, love and laugh. He could ride his motorcycle all over the country like he and I had planned to do. He could dance the country dancing circuit. I would soon just be a bad memory. My grown children would grieve but they would have their own lives to carry them through. The grandchildren were young enough to forget me.

Yep. One week before Jeff died I was planning the same thing. Surprised? I am. I'm surprised that I'm admitting it to you all. I was hopeless. I needed to be with Stephanie more than I needed to be here.

The only thing I can think that kept me from following through is all of you and the voice in the back of my head that said "you'll regret it". There was a whisper that said "You will get there, see Stephanie and know she is well and want to come back and fix the mess your death caused." Of course, there was also the promise I made to Mimi. My friend who died of cancer. I had tried to take my life the day before she found out her cancer had mesesitised and she only had a few months left. She wanted to live. I wanted to die. I promised her I would never try to take my life again. For her. I would live for her.

I actually wrote to her that week before Jeff died explaining how I might have to go back on my promise. I told her how sorry I was and I hoped she wouldn't hate me but I was worthless and everyone would be better off without me.

I believed it. To me it was truth. I just hadn't gotten up the guts to follow through with it...........then Jeff died. I was so shocked. I was so sorry for his family. His death forced me to look, anew, in the eyes of my husband...in the eyes of my children...my grandchildren.......and, then my friends. His death forced me to choose life. This life. I have incredible guilt that Jeff's death gave me life. I know my wellbeing is not the reason for his death, but he saved me. I'm so sorry and I'm so grateful.

I got out of my bed. I attacked my garden...the flower garden that I never touched since the day Stephanie died. I hugged my husband, laughed with my grandchildren. I feel like Scrouge on Christmas morning. Except I realize an incredible price was paid...........not FOR me....but one that I received, nonetheless.

I will never be okay about Stephanie dying...but, I'm not sad anymore or right now anyway. I have a lot of life left in me. I have a lot of love to share and Lord knows I have the experience to back it up. I have been given another chance to love the people around me...a chance I'm sure Jeff would take if he could.

I didn't go to Jeff's funeral because I'm such a wonderful person. I went to pay my respects to the man who I owe so much.

I'll probably regret sending this, but maybe it will help someone.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[raren30]

Wow Susannah, Thank you for sharing that. My mom was like that a couple of years ago, she has depression. When we found out my dad had cancer and only had a couple of months to live she went home and wanted to take every pill she had. But she decided to go to the hospital and tell them if they didnt lock her up she was going to go home and kill herself.

She found out that her depression turned into bi-polar. And to think I quit smoking through all that. (5 years ago this oct)

[westleysmom]

Oh Susannah I'm so glad that you didn't go through with it. I wouldn't be surprised if we were honest that almost everyone here has had those thoughts that "it would be best right now for everybody if I could just lay down and die." It scared me to think about the pain that Jeff had and found unbearable. What if I did that or my husband did? How would the survivor survive? So I'm grateful for the wakeup call, too and only so sorry that it came at such great cost to Sally and her family, who have already been through so much. She and her family remain in my thoughts daily, as all of you do. Hugs dear Susannah.

[ericasmom]

just testing my resizing photos as I forgot to do that on the lilies...

My old garden at my house where my kids and I lived was based on throw the seeds and see what comes up, then more knowledge about the zone and more seeds adn eventually a gorgeous garden. Sus, read Miss Rumphius to the kids and for your own heart, it is a beautiful kids story, but it is so much a story for everyone about how to live our lives leaving beauty in our wake. It is by Barbara Cooney.

[briansdad]

Susannah,

It's a thin line to cross and sometimes the smallest of threads hold us back.That took guts for sharing.God bless you.I knew those feelings well, only not as recent.The world will be better for you to still be in it. I know that each night when I pray I ask that God help all my friends here.

Please if anyone ever has the thought of wanting to be with their child before the Lord calls them home please PM me and I will give you my phone number and we can talk it over.

Greg

[dwsmithrn]

hi everyone...oh SUS..i am so happy you shared your story with us....i have (and still do) feel that agonizing feeling of just wanting to go with nathan.

i don't think i am really 'serious'? about it, but i, too, sit on the bathroom floor, or if no one is home, i lie on my bed with my face buried in my pillow and wail and wail so loudly that i'm afraid a neighbor might come knocking on the door....i scream for nathan to come and take me with him. i scream for my dad to come and get me so i can see my baby boy again. i know i couldn't do this to my husband or children, as i have seen and felt the pain it leaves them....certainly felt it first hand. but it doesn't stop the brutal pain in my heart to 'want' to go, get out of this cruel, harsh world....i want this pain and heartache to stop, not just for me, for EVERYONE!!!! i am sick of hearing and seeing the agonizing, painful grief of so many, too many families and i want to stand in the middle of the interstate and scream at the top of the lungs for it all to just STOP! STOP IT! why does this happen? why must we go through this? why is the world so mean and hateful? i do feel like dying....i feel like this most of the time. i put on the fake face, the fake smile...which most of my family have come to accept now. they know, i know it's fake. when i am alone, i still cry out loud for my son. i still feel such guilt...i should have saved him...i should have known. i didn't, no one did, but i still feel that i, his mother should have...i will never out live that guilt i carry.

we saw our counselor yesterday and she reminded us this is a long journey, and extremely hard work. grief is selfish...it takes everything from you. i tell her some days i don't want to get up, and some days i wonder why i even woke up. i feel useless, and that just adds to my guilt. she tells me i have to work on pushing that little piece of the pie out of my head to make room for the rest of the guilt, so i can finish the work of grieving. she has good points to make and i know there is still a lot of work left to do....but, whoa, that guilt is a hard one to let go...it haunts me. i still feel like i let my child down, i failed him. i realize mental illness is a hard thing to diagnose and with nathan, he never let on that anything was wrong. here is a smiling young man, with his doctorate in occupationa therapy, helping the rest of world, but no way could he help himself. just how can this be? i can't make sense out of it....no one can. what's so hard is, we just didn't get it until it was too late. it hurts so much. i miss him so much...i miss his big bright smile. his laughter, his jokes, his sense of humor. he took on people with problems and made them whole again....how could he not help himself? i just don't get it....makes me so sad.

i just want to understand.....

thanks everyone for you words, your stories, your photos....i think i would not be here, either if not for this site. thank goodness for good people....i wish i could stop your pain, too.....

diane

[Guest msnher]

You know, I really thought I was doing better until I broke my rib. I just got so discouraged when that happened. It hurt to do the smallest task and I felt so helpless...helpless and hopeless. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back - pun intended.

Now, I not only think I'm doing better, I'm sure of it.

I love you all.

[dwsmithrn]

today sucks....27 weeks. i hate fridays.

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

Sus Thank you for your honest, touching post. Dear lady I am so glad to be sharing this painful journey with you and all my fellow Indigos I too believe that I could not have moved forward from the black hole I was in when I lost Stephen, without the Indigo Family Thank you for being a huge part of that

Dee I loved your garden picture so beautiful. I hope your summer bike rides and gardening enriches your spirit , just as you do for each of us. Hope Jon's back is improving

Carol so glad that Ralph is recovering and feel bad that Damon has could such a difficult illness Hope he bounces back quickly.

Diane Just keep showing up and posting It helps One Moment at a Time.

Sherry How are the critters tonight Any more deer or baby birds ?

Rhonda Thinking warm thoughts of you

Colleen Hope you are continuing to enjoy the summer

Trudie Always in my thoughts

Betsy, Leah Sue and all Indigos Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks to My Indigo Family I resolved to try to live again after Stephen passed I knew I could not continue in my old life so I am recreating myself Here is a picture of myself and Peter in Atlantic City last week I think I am beginning to look happy Oh and by the way Tomorrow is my 74th!!!!

Birthday I cannot believe it

[dwsmithrn]

betty. lovely photo...you do happy in that photo...i hope to be there for my husband one day....maybe?

and a happy birthday.....you definitely look YOUNG!!!!! hope your angel touches your heart on your special day,.

[heartbeataway]

Hello Fellow Indigos,

It's so sad to see so many new names which means new loss. I can hardly bear the thoughts of new parents on this God awful journey. I am so sorry for each of you.

I had surgery to remove a bone growth on my right foot on Wednesday. It was more complicated than anticipated. A nerve was somehow grown into the bone. I've been pretty much in bed since. I don't deal well with pain medication but needed it. Had to get a prescription for nausea and came downstairs for the first time this evening.

I had planned to attend the BP new chapter training and The Gathering this weekend. Couldn't do it ....... just too painful. I'm so disappointed.

Dee, your flowers are so lovely! Thank you for sharing them.

Carol, sorry to hear that Ralph had been sick and glad to hear he's better.

So many posts I only scanned ...... I need to do better. I think so much of each of you.

Love!

[wyomingsal]

Susannah,

Thank you for posting your story. I will be praying for you and hope you will find amazing joy in your husband and grandchildren. The note that Jeff wrote ended with "You're free." So sad he felt that he had to free me from himself. He was so much fun when he felt good but the depression and sadness along with his bipolar just overwhelmed him. My comfort lies in the fact that he is with my Lord and with Joshua. He has no more illness or chronic pain. But I don't think he truly comprehended how much he was loved and how much his leaving would hurt those he left behind. He could only think of the pain he felt and that we would be better off without him. I may have already mentioned it but I told God to smack him upside the head before he lets him in. Since there is no pain in Heaven He would have to do it before He let Jeff in. Then I pray Jeff finds the peace and wholeness he so desired. My family is still here helping out and being a great support. When they leave it will be quiet and I will have lots of time to think and grieve. I am so happy Susannah that you are looking to living and enjoying your family. Even if you slip back into grief occasionaly...don't give up. We all do sometimes. We all struggle with motivation. I find PMS or when I am just really tired I seem to fall back into wallowing. Jeff was difficult to live with sometimes because of the illness and depression but if he could have just allowed joy to creep in again he could have had such a great life with us, his family. We love him and miss him. Even the grumpy him. Blessings upon you Susannah. We need to have lunch sometime!

[westleysmom]

Betty-Happy birthday in case I don't get on tomorrow. You do look happy and I hope that your birthday brings you happy memories of Stephen.

Bonnie-Get well soon. I'm sorry you didn't get to go to the meeting and are still having to hobble.

Diane-Hang in there. Like Dee says, if you feel like you need to cry, then crying it is. I never knew there could be so many tears, but there are always more. I know I feel the guilt still that I couldn't keep this from happening, but I also know that it is possible to get beyond that guilt because several on here have told me that they did it. So it is possible, and I hope that you and I and anybody else who feels guilt over their child's death is able to work through that and realize that we loved them more than life and would have died for them, so no, we have no reason to feel guilty. Hugs

Sally-I am glad to see you posting and hope you're able to get some rest while the family is there. Take care of you.

[daveydow1]

Leah-----JaBoa's Angels.....what a wonderful idea that the young people came up with. It

will give them an inspiration and a way to channel their sadness over the loss of JaBoa,

into something of benefit for all kinds of kids who would like bikes to ride.

Betty---Thanks for your kind words. We have not been seeing the deer lately.....funny how

we see them then don't see them for prolonged periods. We see a lot of them in the fall

when the chestnut tree drop all the nuts. The deer love them......thin shelled, and they can

eat til their hearts content.......the chestnut trees, in our yard, are old & overgrown in height,

so not even practical trying to spray them to keep them from getting wormy. They do get wormy,

but the deer don't seem to mind. HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Thanks for the pic......love the colorful dress.

Bonnie-----Wishing you a speedy recovery from your foot surgery. Take care.

Diane------Sending along thoughts & prayers. This stage on your journey is so very painful, I know.

Shock may have worn off, and tough, sad reality sets in. May you draw some strength and smiles

from your memories of your dear son, Nathan. Peace to you, friend.

Dee-----thanks for the pic of the beautiful purple flower. What kind is it ? The same thing happened

to me when I posted some pics.......they came out so large that it was necessary to scroll up & down,

and side to side to see the pic. I thought that this new format was to automatically resize pics in order

for them to be uploaded easier. ??? Oh well, we keep on trying, huh?

Sue----Your trip to VT. will be so nice. I know that your sadness will go with you, but Stacey will surely

inspire you in your photography. Peace & serenity.

Caren---Your dream of your grandma giving you items for baking ........hope you make something so good.

I've found that baking can be very theraputic......even though it involves calories. . I find sewing to be good therapy,

and some drawing & painting.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Happy Birthday BETTY!

May the day unfold in magically wonderful ways. You are a beautiful woman through and through and inside to out.

[Guest msnher]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BETTY! 74 yrs young - woo hoo for you!!! I love your heart, dear friend!

[mysonrich]

Happy Birthday, Betty ! Great photo of you two. Looks like a relaxing,good time . Another pretty dress too.

Susannah, thanks for sharing your life with us. As for the hay, it has to do with cutting at just the right time to maintain nutritional value for stock and bailing so that there is a minimum of moisture so that it doesn't spoil. So, hope this has added meaning to our lives. The bailing of hay. :-P and with the sewing machine, I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing with you. I misspoke. I know the frustration.

Dee, very pretty flowers. I see many of the purple variety around,various colors,and the bloom grows to 3 inches in diameter! What are they?

Sue, Stacey has a beautiful smile. As far as therapy, I found a therapist that also lost a child. She certainly understood but I found myself watching my words so that I wouldn't hurt her. Example, I made a reference to walking in a park and being afraid that I would slip and fall, no one in the area to hear me yell for help. He son died after falling from a cliff in Costa Rica. I regretted what I said even before the words were fully our of my mouth and later apologized. So, its a catch 22.She was extremely helpful though and there have been times lately when I feel a need to find someone here.

Leah, what a great idea.” Jaboa's Angels” . Hoping the kids have much success.

I have been kind of down this past week. Most probably due to “dad” issues. How can I help someone that won't help himself and all the rest. My brother, living in FL, heard my frustration. I very rarely let things just flow from my mouth. I felt like he was giving lip service,really, what can he do being so far away!! Sometimes I feel that people are glad they are far away, it lets them off the hook and I told him so. Don't get me wrong, my brother and I have a pretty good relationship but...I told him, I..Can..Not...do...This...Again...

why is it that people do not realize that when I say I am tired and emotionally weak, and this added stress is not helping, they do not listen?

So, I said NO. I will make phone calls, help where I can but the daily care giving, it is available elsewhere.

BTW, Bill is going home today. He would not sign the admission papers, would not got o rehab, was not a nice person.

The saga continues.

On a bright note, I heard from Sarah and she sounds very happy at her work and continued studies. I haven't heard the happiness in her voice for a long time it seems.

Colleen,Diane,Rhonda,(((Sally))), Sherry, Carol. Everyone, hope it is a pleasant day weather wise and a peaceful day heart wise.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, love learning why hay is processed when it is,never in my life did I even think about it. Very cool. Sherry adn Betsty,The purple is a new one this year in our garden, it looks and acts like a petunia but is in fact on a little two foot tree-ish looking base. The blossoms begin all fall off at the same time and re-bloom, a fun plant. I will go out and look at the name on the marker, I have forgotten. Betsy, I think that making the calls is doing a great deal, to not to the day to day is a good thing. I hope that you will not wear your spirit out with one so negative. It is tricky when it is family I know.

Went out with my sisters and nieces last evening, it was lovely to be with the women. Eri was felt. It was my niece Kate's 34th birthday, she looks, and I am not exagerrating, about 15. How nice for her. She is a teacher of junior high kids and they mostly tower over her and because they are in uniforms, they can tell she is the teacher...

[Mourningsource]

Greg, I journal also...tell us your story, who brings you to us?

Dee,

Thanks for asking. About 3 weeks after I graduated from college for the first time, my 19 year-old brother was killed in a car accident. It will be 10 years ago in January. It was a devastating event for my family, but we felt so much support from our community and other family members. Also, the way in which the funeral home handled the arrangements was a huge relief to us. After moving to Chicago for a couple of years, I felt like I was being called to help others through their grief. Thus, I went back to school to become a funeral director. Since then, I have gotten married and have two beautiful children - and one that did not make it through the first trimester:( (In a strange twist of fate, my wife's birthday falls on the same day that my brother died.) I have been working in the funeral industry for seven years and have been a licensed funeral director for four of those years. This spring, I created my own website MourningSource.com in an effort to provide free information about funerals and grief to people who need it.

So, a few weeks ago, I was poking around the internet and came across this message board. I decided to create an account in the hopes that I might be able to give back and support those who are grieving, just like people supported my family in our time of need. I noticed that this thread seemed to be the most active, and that is how I ended up here. I hope to get to know you guys and to be of what help I can be. I think it is great how you all seem so close and support each other. You should be very proud of what you are doing with this site:)

[Guest msnher]

Betsy - Hay has added meaning to my life. Thank you. Ahhhh humor. I love a good laugh. I love it more if I'm the one who made someone else laugh, I never, for one minute, thought you were laughing at me, Betsy. I thought you were laughing at what I wrote - the way I wrote about the sewing machine. It was written in humor and you got it. I appreciate it. I'm sorry you are so torn about your dad. Trying to give someone else the will to take care of themselves is a frustrating and often hopeless battle. After Steph died I used humor, but I was dead serious, that I was now going to have a nervous breakdown and could not be counted on perform the smallest task. I think they quit asking because I looked and sounded as crazy as I professed to be. I'm not announcing that I'm better now because I like the lack of responsibility in my life. Although it must be showing a little bit because a couple of people, at separate times, last week, took me into their deepest confidence and leaned on my experience, strength and hope to help them through some difficult situations.

Sally - You are at an advantage over me because you have my phone number. Don't give me yours until you are ready for me to call you, because I will call. I understand the need for quiet time...safe time...personal time. I'm not sure I would have been up to meeting someone for lunch this early in the face of such a loss. So, you just take your time and call me when you are ready or if you just need someone different to talk to...I'm available. Any time, any day.

Gary took the kids to our cabin on the mountain for the weekend. Last night was the first night I spent alone in our home since February 23, 2009... I stayed up until 12:30 watching old movies. Gary replaced the plastic whistles with metal ones. The kids have to wear them around their necks when we're at the cabin. We've taught them to only blow them in an emergency and to blow them loud and continuously. They are not allowed to venture further than they can see the cabin. I overheard Maria reminding Jonathon and Jasmine what to do if they get lost. "You hug a tree and blow and blow your whistle. It's okay if you cry but keep hugging the tree and don't leave that spot." She learned well. We've told them if they get lost to not try to find us, instead let us come to them.

Wishing you all a blessed day.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[heartbeataway]

Susannah,

I love the advice to the children if they get lost ........ hug a tree and blow your whistle!

On days when we feel lost, we have our own way of "hugging the tree and blowing the whistle" ..... we log in and pour our our hearts. We're never far away from our "cabin" ( BI ) or our friends ( fellow Indigos) who watch over us.

Sweet!

I have a new friend. "W" .... I told her about BI and hope she has visited and will join us. She lost a precious daughter in 2007 and like us struggles to make sense of this life now. She's been good for me! Blessings come in all kinds of ways!

We are "in the cooker" here in Virginia. We've had thirteen days in a row about 90 degrees and no relief in sight. Wowie wow wow!

I have seven days to go until the stitches come out ..... and this is already so old! It's painful to move around and hard to stay still! I may just try to sit outside for a while even though it's hot. no fun!

[rlolheiser]

2nd try.. (condensed version) I hate it when I lose posts!

Happy Birthday Betty... may you feel Stephen's arms around you as you enjoy your day

Bonnie I hope your doing better today, take care of that foot! I hope the meds start cooperating fast.

I want to thank you all for all the goodwishes for my grandchildren. It is the first project they all agreed on, the first anything they have all agreed on since JaBoa leaving us. I have worried for a very long time, I have fought to keep them on the straight and narrow, along with the mom.. there are times I have wanted to give up and say I did all I can do.. but I am glad I have hung in there with them. I see goodness and pride in their attitudes. I have told them it might not work out.. it is a tough town, but do their best.. I am so proud of them. It is so nice to have something nice to add to the group for once..

This site has been my God send, with no friends here and family all moved, my life has been lonely. I take care of the hubby (who has his own life, especially in the summer) my son.. who goes off with daddy each day.. and mom, who I know has so many ups and downs I end up worrying each time she naps to long that I will find her passed. You all have given me so much support and love and let me into your lives, you share your good times, your bad times.. and most of all your angels..

Just want to give you each a thank you.. and even though I don't post a lot.. I do read, I pray, I think of you all each day and marvel at the wonders of each of you.

[bus1851]

Hello everyone,

It's been awhile. Things are still going slow. My mind is stuck in replay mode...feels like I am living the same day over and over constantly thinking about my baby and how sorry I am and how much I miss her. I am dreading the holidays to come and birthday. My anxiety and depression levels have been growing lately. I guess I will have to tell my doctor and try some meds again. My life is really empty without my Marley. Daddy loves you baby.

CJ

[echofc]

Three weeks ago today I lost my Stacy. In some ways I can't remember life before July 9th, except the suffering part. I feel so lonely. My 26 year old son moved out last week. It was certainly time for him to move but the timing hurt. I'm glad he is happier in his place and there are no hard feelings. My oldest daughter is very busy working and with the three kids. I know she misses Stacy too but I hardly see her or the kids because they are at camp and doing things. My husband grieves by keeping very busy, but things I'm not involved in. Works for him. Right now I hate my life. I can't seem to move forward. I cry at random times and can't stop. This is the only place I can share my pain because people don't know what to say or worse yet say really stupid things. So I avoid them for the most part. It is a beautiful summer day out and I should be out looking for photo opts, but can't even think. All the things that I used to care about seem so trivial in comparison to the loss of my very best friend. Stacy and I had a very special relationship because of health reasons I was always her caretaker.....at least off and on. Over her life she required 3 kidney transplants. (all from family members). Along with that were numerous crisises. From the time she was a baby through the time she was in the hospital with cancer I always stayed with her. But I want you to know during the times when things were going well Stacy lived life to the fullest. She travelled, loved people, country music, kids and animals. She enjoyed working and was engaged to be married next summer. But I was always her caretaker when things went wrong and that made us very, very close. We knew each other better than anyone else. I am 61 years old and feel my purpose has gone and I don't know what to do. The the hardest part for me is that I don't feel her around me. People talk about signs and things they get from their loved ones and I don't even have dreams of her. Bothers me a lot. Just want to know she is happy and ok. Sorry to vent. Bad morning.

Sue

[ericasmom]

CJ, grief is slow, it is life in slow motion, foot steps seem to take a long time, everything we do feels we are using twice the energy it used to take and still we can't get it done...our brains have changed, the chemicals are all different. Be kind to yourself in this slow process, and remember that we took these same steps, we are here, keep talking. I found time to be the most abnormal and strange entity after Eri died. Time moved quickly sometimes, and very slow other times. One day you may find that time begins to change, that a more normal rate of time becomes evident.

Greg, how nice that you found us. Do you still live in the chicago area? I am just outside Chicago. I am glad that you found your calling and that in that you have met good humans along the way. I think you will find this place to be amazing. As a brother, how did you handle the loss of your Brother? My Son was 21 when his little Sis was killed by train on car. The process of grief for him was difficult as he did not let many in. He is deeply private but holds a lot of guilt.

[raren30]

Good morning everyone,

Happy birthday Betty I hope you have a wonderful day.

Yesterday was not a good day for me I couldn't control my tears at all. I was driving and I would cry, I went grocery shopping and started crying. With all this stress with my dad and post-partum depression and losing my baby it was to much to handle. I sent my dad an email yesterday to let him know how I felt it was pretty long. I don't think he understands what I'm going through, when Chad and I found out we were pregnant my dad and step mom were not happy. So after I sent this email I though for sure I'd get a nasty one back, but WOW he actually told me I was right he blew me away.

Heres some background on my life:

My mom was recently diagnosed with bi-polar. Since I was born she has had depression. never really noticed till I was a teenager.

My dad was diagnosed with renal cancer 5 years ago this september. He took experimental chemo pills, they were working to the point he went and had surgery 2 years ago to take the tumour off his left kidney. We then found out that these pills weren't working any more and the nodes on his lungs were not shrinking, so his doctor put him on a new experimental drug last year. We just found out 3 days ago that the nodes are shrinking. Finally some good news. My dad plays alot of stress in my life he never thinks before he speaks and hurts me everytime.

So all of you that are having beautiful weather could you send me some. It's another rainy day here I feel like I'm on Vancouver Island with all this rain. It wouldn't be to bad if I was a duck lol.

I love all the pictures of the flowers they are very beautiful.

I love the idea of the bicycles. What a great idea. Where I'm from the city thought of starting the blue bike project, dont remember where the bikes came from though. But these bikes would be left all over town for anyone to use. It was great but it's not happening anymore I wish they would start it up again.

Time to go get ready to go out. Taking my baby boy hedgehog to his new owner today, im gonna miss him hes soooo cute. Maybe I'll post some pics later of him.

Have a good day everyone sending hugs to you all

[Mourningsource]

Sue - Thanks for venting, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you've found a place that you can come and feel safe and understood. The beauty of a place like this is that you can vent all you want and nobody is going to think the lesser of you;) Try not to worry too much about signs. Some people feel like they are receiving lots of signs, while others feel like they never receive any. They may come when you least expect it. It seems to me that the more open you are to receiving them and the less you are looking for them, the more likely they are to pop up. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Mourningsource]

Greg, how nice that you found us. Do you still live in the chicago area? I am just outside Chicago. I am glad that you found your calling and that in that you have met good humans along the way. I think you will find this place to be amazing. As a brother, how did you handle the loss of your Brother? My Son was 21 when his little Sis was killed by train on car. The process of grief for him was difficult as he did not let many in. He is deeply private but holds a lot of guilt.

Hi Dee,

I no longer live in Chicago, but I loved it there. I lived right near Wrigley Field, which was a blast when I was in my early to young 20's:) I now live right outside of Indianapolis.

As far as grieving goes, I too am a pretty private person. I held some guilt as my brother passed just a few days after I returned to my college home from Christmas Break. (I had already graduated college but was still working and doing a play in my college town.) I did not get to see him before I left. He was working the day I went back. Mike came home to see me that day, but I was over at my grandparents' house having lunch. He left me a note and that was it. I vividly remember the last time I saw him, standing at the top of the stairs getting ready to go to work. I talked to him on New Year's Eve, and that was the last time we talked. He was acting as the designated driver that night. Unfortunately, his friend chose not to have a designated driver the night that he died.

The weird part was that Mike was supposed to go back to school himself on the day that he died. I think they were suppossed to be starting baseball practice or something the following day. However, the practice got canceled so he stayed home an extra day. That is something that I don't think my parents have gotten over to this day.

Like I said, I certainly grieved mostly in private. What helped me the most was writing. I wrote constantly in my journal. I wrote lots of poetry. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I allowed myself to cry when I needed to, and - eventually - have fun when I needed to as well. I read a lot of books, some dealing with grief, others just for fun. I spent a lot of time trying to help my parents cope as well. I moved home that summer before moving to Chicago in the Fall. My parents have never really gotten over the fact that I moved away, which is unfortunate, but that is another story in itself.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss as well. Do you know why your son holds a lot of guilt? Was he involved in the accident? Sorry, I don't mean to pry, so feel free to answer as you wish.

Hope you have a great weekend!

[Mourningsource]

Sorry for the third post in a row everybody. I should have put it all in one, but that is the problem with Newbies, right?

Happy birthday Betty! Hope your 74th is great!!!

[ericasmom]

Greg, I did not say that I was sorry for your loss, but I am. I am sure that your Brother is most proud of you for finding ways to reach out to others the way others reached out to your family. I think my Son, Jon, holds onto guilt because he did not read about grief, does not talk much about grief, and because he is a lot like his Dad. His Dad, Mike and I were divorced 8 years before Eri dying, but we were friendly the three years prior to her death, thank heavens. We also only live two blocks from each other. Jon and Eri lived in Kalamazoo Michigan with a bunch of friends in a house they were renting. Jon asked Eri if she wanted t o live there because he knew she was so sad that all of her many friends would be going away to college adn she simply did not have the grades to go away. She decided t o go out and live with her bro and together, they took some classes in Kalamazoo at the community college. IT was good, she was extremely happy and made a ton of friends there as she always made friends easily.

Anyhow, Jon feels somewhat responsible because he invited her to live with him, but we told him, those were her happiest months, almost a year there. She was becoming an adult, she was 19 and excited by making decisions. Jon had come a long way, moving back in with his dad after Eri died, a few years later his dad got sick, cancer, and a yar following that, he died. So jonathan has had so much and always takes on the guilt aspect of things. If he talked more about it, read books about grief, even just a few pages of a few chapters, I think that he would feel less guilt. He manages well now, but I know that it lurks inside him, and I so wish I could do something about it. He is deeply private, like his dad was, so it isn't something we can just sit and talk about. He is almost 30 and just a really nice young man. Marrying a wonderful woman in November.

Oh the purple flower is indeed a petunia plant called, Mexican Petunia. We are going to try to over-winter it as it is not geared for our zone. We over-winter our fancy geraniums too, they are gorgeous. Today the dinnerplate hibiscus opened, both the deep crimson adn the white with crimson center. They are amazing. The size of my face. This hibiscus was made to be perennial, it is the cousin to the tropical plant but without shiny leaves...so pretty.

[ericasmom]

Sadness-just got an email from my principal saying that one of our custodians lost his Son last night to gunfire in Chicago. Home from college and killed near his home.

Prayers for Earl, our custodian.

[mikesmomrs]

TWO posts that I've lost...I need to start listening to my own advice about writing in word first and then pasting....

Betty: HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Have a wonderful, smile-filled day! You look terrific in your long flowery dress, and your friend looks so happy to be with you.

Greg: I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother. We lost our son, Mike, on Oct 14, 2006, to brain cancer. Mike has two sisters, one 7 years older and one 10 years older. It is amazing to see the different ways that people will grieve…the older, Kim, seemed to be in some form of denial, only alluding to the fact that Mike was gone, was about her every time she saw rays coming from the clouds. This was fine, except that this was the ONLY time she spoke of him. She had to come home (she lives in VA, we in NH) last summer to help us as her dad had kidney cancer surgery, and she wound up bring here for 3 weeks. During that time, she saw how we speak often of Mike, she saw the signs that we see about us, the “coincidences” sometimes of when and how they happen. But I think it was mostly our talking about Mike, remembering him in so many stories, events, etc., that really struck her and got her to be more open about speaking about him comfortably. Of course, we spent our time crying, but over time, the pain has indeed softened (though can come back piercingly at any time), and this has allowed us to remember the man and not just his dying. Mike’s younger sister, Cathi, lives nearby and she and I have always talked about Mike, pretty much every day for something or another, and of course hubby and I speak of him, often, as well. I am so glad that you decided to reach out to people and help them through your work…our funeral director for Mike’s services was so very kind and considerate from the very beginning.

Sus: Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am so very sorry that you have had to go through all of that, but so very glad that you have made the choice to stay…this world needs more people like yourself…loving, giving, strong (yes, strong!), understanding, a very good friend. I love the “Hug a tree and blow the whistle” and it is just great that you are getting some time alone. Gary is a saint.

Betsy: I am so sorry about the problems you are having with your dad’s needing care. It sounds as though he was/is not a very nice person, and I know that it must be difficult to turn away, but it also sounds like that is what you need to do. It seems as though you have enough to do dealing with your aunt, and taking on someone else would just stress you even more, especially dealing with the history he reminds you of. So, good for you for saying “no.” So glad that Sarah is settling in and finding joy in her new surroundings. Thanks for the info on the hay…I didn’t know that, either. We see bales and bales of hay around here, mostly the huge rolls, but still some people doing the rectangle-shaped bales. I will post a pic below of one we saw the other day…we were on the way home and Ralph asked me to go down this road because it was shadier…I normally don’t like taking this road home as it is extremely rutted and bumpy. But, we did, and we saw this marvelous bale of hay. A “hello” from all of our angels!

Dee: I am so happy that you got to go out with your sisters and nieces yesterday, and yes, I am sure that Eri was right there with all of you, sharing in on the fun of being together. Thanks for sharing the pics of your beautiful flowers. I am so very sorry to hear about Earl’s son..such a tragic thing to happen. We all know Earl’s pain and I will hold him and his family close in prayer and thought. I was reading this morning a little more detail about the tragedy in Oslo…my heart ached with each word. The article included short interviews with some of the kids who were on the island that the guy invaded and terrorized the youth who were there for a week of summer fun. You could feel the terror in their words…so horrendous. They had nowhere to go for safety, and some eventually headed for the water. He found them and started shooting but fortunately, from what I read, they were all far enough away that he couldn’t reach them. The sorrow that lives in that country right now is palpable.

Sue: I am sorry that you are having such a very hard time, but three weeks out is just so very painful. I think that I was still in shock at that time, and though we had 17 months of knowing that Mike was going to leave us (he was diagnosed with brain cancer on May 18, 2005, passed on Oct 14, 2006) when he actually died it was still a shock. Your close relationship with your sweet daughter is such a wonderful heart-filler, and eventually, over time, you will think of those memories with a smile…the bittersweetness of them right now is painful, we know. Holding you close as you begin this journey.

Glad to hear the good news of your dad…so sorry that there are two sides to the relationship and that he hurts you sometimes with his words. My husband’s brother is very much like that with his oldest daughter, who is now 61 (the daughter). They came to visit last fall, the dad and his two daughters, and I was appalled at the way he spoke to her and treated her. She and I talked about it one night quietly (we have never spent much time together before, as she lives in Texas and we live in NH), and through tears she told me how she has endured it for so long. Her mom used to stick up for her, but her mom died of cancer 6 years ago. She (the daughter) fortunately has developed her own way of handling it, which is to speak up to him without being abrasive, and also she has remarried and moved away to TX (from Miss) and has a wonderful life with her new husband who treats her like a princess. I just don’t understand how people can be mean to one another…it just makes my heart hurt. I hope your mom is doing better. Sometimes a diagnosis can be a catalyst to a better regimen. . My hubby had kidney cancer last summer, but didn’t need chemo, and though they found some nodes in his lungs, they are benign, at least for now. He has excellent care and is followed closely so we just pray for the best.

CJ: I am so sorry that you are mired down in the grief that is so heavy at times you can feel as though you cannot stand. Your precious little Marley is with you always, but it is difficult when we want them “WITH” us, and not just “around us” in spirit. Holding you close.

Carrie: So very sorry to hear about your precious baby, Emilia. The pain you feel is real, and how you grieve is what is normal for you…we all grieve differently, and I am glad that you found this site as we can offer you comfort and understanding and experience. As many have said, this site is a lifesaver, and has certainly saved my sanity many times. I do not have anyone (other than hubby and two daughters) who truly understand…many friends no longer ask, some are never even heard from again. I guess it comes down to not knowing what to say, so say nothing. Sad. Hugs to you, dear, as you remember your sweet one.

Leah: I am glad that the kids are committed to this idea…I wish them every success. I too loved your imagery of “peek my head through the clouds and watch them.” I think that is likely what they do quite often.

Bonnie: I too hope you are doing better. I remember when Marcia broke her ankle and she too thought it would not be as bad as it was…it is frustrating to not be able to do the things you are used to doing, let alone the pain that accompanies every move. I wish I could be there to pour you some iced tea and sit with you. I am glad that you have found a new friend, and though very sad of what she has in common with you, it is good that you were able to come together and hopefully a sweet friendship will develop between you.

Sally: Holding you close in thought and prayer as you travel ahead on this road…I know that your children will be a comfort to you. I am so sorry that your hubby had such pain in his life. I am very well aware of what mental illness can bring to a family, and am so sorry that he had so much difficulty during his life.

Rhonda and Diane…thinking of you both.

We are having a birthday tomorrow here for Mike’s middle boy, Kameron. He will be 14. His brother, Chandler, turned 15 on June 14 and at that time, Ralph was not well enough to have a “party.” So, we are doing a cake and ice cream gathering for both of them tomorrow. Damon will be here also, and hopefully the weather will stay hot and they can all go swimming. I have some squirt guns they will play with on the lawn, and then after the pool, we will order in pizza. It is times like these that are so very bittersweet, even now…Mike so wanted to be here for his boys through their teen years. I know that he is here with them, but sometimes that thought is just not enough. The first summer after Mike was diagnosed, and he knew he was dying, he wanted to celebrate the boy’s birthdays and his on July 31^st. I think it was likely that he was afraid he wouldn’t make it to his and wanted them all to celebrate together. It was a very good day…Sarah’s family came, as well as few of his friends, and all of us. It was at our old house, so we had the pool right there, and it was a hot, sunny day. I have a truly funny video of Damon in his little pool…I will try to post it. Click on the picture and be sure your sound is on...the splashing is fun to listen to!

Here is the pic I told Betsy of earlier, the pic of the hay bale we saw on Thursday…

[ericasmom]

OW Bonnie, that sounds very painful. Now take it real easy and let yourself heal. Goodness, what is the prognosis as far as getting around? Do you have to wear a special shoe for a while?

Carol, happy birthday to Kameron. I hope that you all feel the brush of Mike's touch, his love of you and all the family will shine on you each.