Loss of an Adult Child

[johnnysmama]

Love the Kourtney's closet logo-promise and love exuding from it.

 

Carol

Wow your family has really been through so much. You are such a phenomenaly strong person-Your strength keeps me going somedays. So thank you for all you do for us and your family. How proud Mile is of you. Can't wait to see your pictures.

 

Sonya

Hope Danielles love is wrapping your heart tight. Thinking of you.

 

Bonnie

Comic was brillant. This 2nd year has been giving me a hard time I needed that analogy on life. Made me think. As far as the cemetery I visit almost daily-i feel Johnny is thinking if you want to go I will go with you but I am not there. The point I am making is-Jason is with you wherever you go-the Pinnacle,the grocery or the ball game. He is everywhere. If and when you dont go to the Pinnacle you will find your place. But honestly, after getting to know you I think you will always make it there.

 

Hugs all

Kay

[johnnysmama]

Colleen

I am so sorry you are having so much pain. You are so early in this journey. Don't expect anything of yourself but to take it one breath at a time. Don't put a time limit on yourself when you will be "over" it. I posted on this site about being a mother to my girls about as far out as you. I couldn't be a Mom anymore, I had NO maternal feelings-I felt dead inside. I am still fighting my way back to being a Mom. I make myself try to think of my girls and not Johnny all the time. It is hard. I know I love them-I wonder what is wrong with me? My kids are my life. I think we lose who we are and get confused trying to figure out who the new us is. Maybe we feel no Mom instincts as we are numb with pain. It will get easier-I know it will but it is still a work in progress for me. It is also harder with teenagers-they tend to push us away in normal life. So, my girls went to their rooms. My 16 year old is in a ballet company and has found her release and way back there. My 18 year old is struggling-spends a lot of time in her room . Lately, I have been trying harder(even though I am still struggling a lot) to make sure I give her "Momming". I see her making her way back, too-slowly. I wish I had an easy answer. The BEST thing for me was to come here. Know we are here and understand. Do the best you can. Your kids love you and want you to be OK, too. You will get through this because of them.

As  far as preventing your boys accident. Our kids here seemed to live their very short lives. I mean really LIVE. You couldnt have prevented it. You were a good parent with a fun-loving boy. If you werent you wouldnt hurt this bad. I know-my son died on a motorcycle he has only 2 weeks. His Dad co-signed for him to get it. I don't blame anyone-it was an accident. Your boys was, too. He just wanted to have fun. Remember that. Focus on his fun, your love for him, your great memories. Not the last few minutes of his life-but his whole life. His whole wonderful life. We all just wish they would have been longer.

 

Hang in there,

Hugs, Kay

[lolynbo]

JUST HAD MEETING ABOUT KOURTNEYS KLOSET....

WE ARE JUST THINKING OUT LOUD RIGHT NOW BUT FIRST WE WANT TO GET BACK PACKS FOR SEVERAL AGES, BABIES BEING PACKED WITH SIZED DIAPERS AND WIPES, BOTTLES,ETC THEN SCHOOL AGE CHILD MARKED FOR BOY OR GIRL WITH SOME SCHOOL SUPPLY AND SOME CLOTHES AND TOOTHBRUSH TOOTHPASTE AND A SET OF PJS...ON UP TO THE OLDER KIDS....

THEN WE HAVE ALREADY GOT A PLACE FOR THE KLOSET, WE WOULD SET IT UP AND ORGANIZE IT FROM AGES AND COLOR CODE THEM, AND WOULD BE AVAILABLE FOR THE CASEWORKER TO GET MORE CLOTHES FOR THE KIDS WHO NEEDED THEM ...

JUST ALOT TO DO AND TO FIND OUT ABOUT ...THANKFULLY THESE LADIES I MET WITH TONIGHT KNOW THE SYSTEM AND THINGS WE NEED TO DO TO KEEP IT LEGAL AND THE INS AND OUTS..

KEEP PRAYING THAT ALOT OF LITTLE KIDS WILL BENIFIT FROM LOSING KOURTNEY...SHE WOULD HAVE LOVED IT, SHE LOVED KIDS SO MUCH AND WANTED SOME OF HER OWN....AND I SOOOOOOOO WANTED GRANDKIDS FROM HER...

COLLEN,

IM NEW AT THIS TOO, IM JUST STAYING BIZZY AND PRAYING AND WE WENT TO COUNCELING AGAIN LAST NIGHT...IM NOT BACK AT OUR BUSINESS IM WORKING FROM HOME, SO YOUR UP ON ME....

 

LORRI L

KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGALS MOMMA

FEB 27 1986 TO JUNE 17, 2008

[johnnysmama]

Lorri

Your ideas sound fantastic! I teach in an inner city school and the children would benefit so much from your closet. It would be great to have that resource to offer to the parents. Many have babies, too. So, you are helping the whole family. Brillant. Good for you. Kourtney is beaming at you.

kay

[johnnysmama]

Greg

Brillant golf outing. You are amazing how you honor Brian. you are an inspiration to us all.

Kay

[heartbeataway]

Marian,

Three months ...... that makes the journey very fresh to you. I can remember that time frame in my own journey. I was still waiting for the phone to ring and for it to be Jason. I was still not sleeping, but when I did, the last thought that ran through my mind was, please don't let me wake up.

I got up out of bed one night and went to  the landing outside our bedroom door and yelled Jason's name. I still don't know why I did that ......

I was still struggling to get from one hour to the next during the day. I would find it  late afternoon and I had yet to shower and dress for the day.

Jason was like air to me and I was having trouble breathing.

Life as we knew it was no more and we struggled to come up with a new normal. We are still struggling to figure out how to fill the huge hole in the middle of our souls.

I have a new hairdresser, a new doctor, a new dentist ......  it was easier that way for me.

Others forget, move on, are noticeably uncomfortable when they learn of our loss.

Now, instead of celebrating his birthday, we celebrate his life. I find holidays hard to get excited about.  I don't know when I'll be able to put up another Christmas tree. There are so many memories packed away in those boxes.

I think my online friends literally saved my life. Finally, there was a place I could go and share my struggle, share my broken heart and my damaged soul and spirit. Folks who were further into this journey of grief than me and knew what the path before me would be like. Folks with big hearts and the right combination of words to provide the tonic of comfort that my broken heart needed to keep it beating and provide the glimmer of hope needed to keep putting one foot in front of the other on this saddest of all life's journeys.

Like you said, strangers who become friends and even though we may never meet, we are connected and loyal in our commitment to each other.

Three months .....  that's just a moment in a life time journey.  Give yourself time, be patient, the journey will get softer as you begin to heal.

The blanket is a wonderful idea. I'm sure it will be a cherished possession.

Take good care .....

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Lori, Marian, and Colleen,

My goddness, so few months for your poor aching hearts...Three different losses, three different Moms and three different Children and yet here you are, with the rest of us. Our Babies, like snowflakes, each one unique, as are we. We grieve differently too, some with a great deal of energy that drives them, others who feel no energy. Some of us feel very little inclination to go on while others know from the onset, that they must carry on and lead the others in the group to higher ground. It is not anything anyone can practice for or know ahead of time. We do what we can as our grief and our shock share space in us and for all practical purposes, we are not functioning as much as the elements of our loss is. Eventually, we have to feel every bit of this loss, every single bit. If we find ways to go around it, or under it, over it, we still end up face to face with IT. IT, we once discussed here was the giant bubble of horror, tragedy, ache, anger, sadness, guilt, missing, shattered dreams...that absolute muddle of being entrenched.

I speak from time, 5 years out. Your lives will find a way to regulate again, it might be a while however, this is awfully early for that as of yet. make sure you cut yourselves a break too, being parent and being present in the lives of younger children has got to be very hard. Yes a blessing to have them, but yet, as Kay said, how does one mother when the instincts have been shut down with the death of one of your own? I did not have any younger kids to nurture after Eri died, I have her Brother, my dear Son Jon, who is 2 years older. He was so close to her, they lived together at the time of her death in Kalamazoo, Michigan. He lived with his Dad after the accident and so I did not have a constant person to make sure of. I can see that it would be hard for teens to deal with Mom not being MOm, so they kick in and become parent for a while. This is something that has been written about in grief books, so it is not that unusual for a family member to pick up the role to help maintain a balance. As I said, it will regulate again at some point, but it will take active work at finding ways to be healthy. Letting yourself cry, taking walks to get some exeercise each day, getting sunlight on your faces each day, taking vitamins, seeing a therapist or going to family grief counseling, and letting yourself grieve. Life is a new place to be, it is foreign now, but it will become less so as time passes. If you are a reader, read some fiction in order to get out of your daily replay of what took your Baby. Read other peoples grief stories as well, finding your own stories similar to others may help. Come here in the middle of the night if you cannot sleep adn post or just read, knowing that each of us here are holding you tight, praying for you to find your steps in this new place. Let us help, and never be ashamed to let it all out here. If you are feeling it, chances are someone else has too.

Peace somehow, even one moment of peace, can be cherished.

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Oh Colleen,

You need to be patient with yourself. Four months is not a very long time .....

Keep pouring your heart out with your key board. We'll be here for you ....

Early on someone told me to take deep breaths and baby steps ....  I managed my time in small blocks.

We are almost 18 months into this journey and I'm trying to manage the neglect that I allowed to happen to my life while I struggled to breath. I would say that Jason was like air to me and I was having trouble breathing ..... I still have to concentrate on breathing some days.

I see a grief counselor that has been really good for me. She's helping me to define who I am without Jason. I lost my identity when Jason died.  He was my only child.

Time ... it takes time.  You will never get over the loss of your child but you will learn to live through the loss and the pain will not go away but it will get softer.

Take good care ...... I wish you and your family rest and strength for the journey ahead.

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Kay,

I like your words, "after getting to know you" ........ that's exactly what we do. We get to know each other.

Thanks for your kind words. I know that when the time comes that I can no longer physically get to The Pinnacle, I will continue to visit in spirit.

 And one day, who knows, maybe I'll join him .......

Love!

Bonnie

[cameronsmom1]

I just wanted to write and check on everyone. I was wondering if you could write me and tell me one of the main things that have helped you cope with your loss. Maybe something you do, or something you've read, or maybe even a family member or friend that has done something for you. I was wanting to post a blog on my myspace with helpful advice on coping especially for those who are just experiencing a loss. So if you could please give me some ideas I would greatly appreciate it.

Amanda (Mother of an Angel Baby)

www. myspace. com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

[cameronsmom1]

[user=22932]lolynbo[/user] wrote:

JUST HAD MEETING ABOUT KOURTNEYS KLOSET....

WE ARE JUST THINKING OUT LOUD RIGHT NOW BUT FIRST WE WANT TO GET BACK PACKS FOR SEVERAL AGES, BABIES BEING PACKED WITH SIZED DIAPERS AND WIPES, BOTTLES,ETC THEN SCHOOL AGE CHILD MARKED FOR BOY OR GIRL WITH SOME SCHOOL SUPPLY AND SOME CLOTHES AND TOOTHBRUSH TOOTHPASTE AND A SET OF PJS...ON UP TO THE OLDER KIDS....

THEN WE HAVE ALREADY GOT A PLACE FOR THE KLOSET, WE WOULD SET IT UP AND ORGANIZE IT FROM AGES AND COLOR CODE THEM, AND WOULD BE AVAILABLE FOR THE CASEWORKER TO GET MORE CLOTHES FOR THE KIDS WHO NEEDED THEM ...

JUST ALOT TO DO AND TO FIND OUT ABOUT ...THANKFULLY THESE LADIES I MET WITH TONIGHT KNOW THE SYSTEM AND THINGS WE NEED TO DO TO KEEP IT LEGAL AND THE INS AND OUTS..

KEEP PRAYING THAT ALOT OF LITTLE KIDS WILL BENIFIT FROM LOSING KOURTNEY...SHE WOULD HAVE LOVED IT, SHE LOVED KIDS SO MUCH AND WANTED SOME OF HER OWN....AND I SOOOOOOOO WANTED GRANDKIDS FROM HER...

COLLEN,

IM NEW AT THIS TOO, IM JUST STAYING BIZZY AND PRAYING AND WE WENT TO COUNCELING AGAIN LAST NIGHT...IM NOT BACK AT OUR BUSINESS IM WORKING FROM HOME, SO YOUR UP ON ME....

 

LORRI L

KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGALS MOMMA

FEB 27 1986 TO JUNE 17, 2008

Lorri,

I just have to say that this is such a great thing. It's all starting here in Ardmore and just think, this is the type of thing that people would love to spread. Your daughter is loving this i'm sure. If you need any volunteers or any help with this I would love to help out. My stepmother works for CASA and deals with a lot of the children taken from homes. I'm sure that they would love to be involved also. I'm not sure who all is involved in setting this up but I am going to be spreading the word. As soon as you find out a location let me know because I have tons of stuff to bring. I wish you the best of luck!

Amanda

[heartbeataway]

The main thing that helped me cope were my friends here at BI. Don't know what I would have done without them!

Bonnie

[lolynbo]

guess what i  just did???? i took Kourtneys favorite coat to the embroidry place and had on the back

IN MEMORY OF

KOURTNEY BRACKETT

put on the chest and on the back it looks so nice and was only $20 and they had it ready in 1 day...

this is a jacket she wore all the time, infact her and my sister always fought over it....i wore it to walmart and got alot of compliments on it....

just an idea...that we can treasure forever

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, so many great ways to state how you felt and what you have done to go forward, and how still, it is very difficult because we are defined by our role as Mom. Finding out who you are now...a scary proposition sometimes, as I stated to my therapist way back when this was new, that I do not know who I can possibly be now, what if I find out and dislike her. What if I never have energy to find out? She assured me that I would in time, that it was something that I had to pursue in my time, not according to others. That helped a lot. I know my Son also dealt with this, if he was a big brother, what and who is he now?

Was it you Bonnie, that said that you went to a new hairdresser, new grocery, new dry cleaner because it made it all easier. I was moved by this. Not knowing who you are at the time...go to new places where your history is unknown and so you are just this new woman, not the woman who lost her Son...My heart sighed at this, another way that some of us adapt, find a way to survive this most sad outcome.

I was thinking about what you all were talking about a few days ago...the boyfriend/girlfriend going on with their lives a bit sooner than one might think?

I guess the way I feel about that is that they are young, and given an example tha tmost young people never believe will happen, taken early. I think that many of the young people that surrounded us in the death of ERi purposefully sought out things they hadn't yet had; travel; love; college; living alone; marriage; just because they were inspired by the reality of how fast things can change. They really understood that life can be short and so went out to find answers to some of what they wondered about. Does this make sense?

Anyhow, Eri had fallen in love, though it was not from her lips that I found this out, only after she lay dying that her friends and finally her brohter told me. The boy/man had gone back to Atlanta the day before Eri was struck by the train. They had spoken on the phone and made tentative plans to meet in Georgia in the following weeks. (he was there going to pilot school). NOw this boy, Andrew, was one of my Son's best Buddies, and so he knew that Jon might not want him dating jon's little sis. So they kind of kept it secret, as Andrew had had many girls inhis day. So when Eri was hit, JOn called him and said that he knew that Eri loved him, and that he needed him to come back and say goodbye to Erica.

Andrew came back, I met him, a delightful young man, not at all who I would have pictured for my Girl. She was way more avant-garde, he was more put together, a go-getter in school, and very handsome and sweet. He came to say goodbye.

I knew that had Erz not died, she and Andrew would not have been a longterm couple, just because of how very different their needs and wants were, but for that summer, there was magic. I am grateful that Eri got to know what it feels like to fall in love. I am grateful that Andrew has stayed like a brother to Jon and a dear boy to me. He visits from the south, came to ERI-FEST and showed me a photo of his fiance'. He was dating within a month after ERi died, but that is Andrew, and that is youth I think, and that is what a sudden death might do to a young person.

Time keeps passing, and so there will be constant change.

My love to you all,

Dee

Cameron's Mom, there is a book called; The Worst Loss that I found very good. There is a memoir called; Name All the ANimals that I adored. A book also, a memoir, called Paula. This is difficult but very well done, about the author's own daughter who became very ill and died. I read these soon after Eri died, i continue to read books with similar stories, though I infuse some humor too, reading funny women like the woman who wrote A Girl Named Zippy. HIlarious and poignant.

[lolynbo]

I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE DOING THAT....GOING TO DIFFERENT NAIL PLACE, PUTTING OFF GETTING MY HAIRDONE TIL THE COAST IS CLEAR...I WAS GOING TO A GUY IN OK CITY BUT HE TOO PASSED AWAY (MISS YOU JOHNATHAN) SO NOW I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE GIRL WHERE I WAS GOING BEFORE KOURTNEY PASSED AWAY, AND THEY ALL JUST KINDA STARE AT ME, OR IGNORE ME....EXCEPT THE GIRL THAT DOES MY HAIR, SHE DID KOURTNEYS FOR THE FUNERAL AND HER MAKEUP AND NAILS...KOURTNEY WAS A NATURAL BEAUTY SO SHE JUST GAVE HER SOME COLOR...AND SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL...

I WENT TO A LJS TO EAT LUNCH WITH MY HUBBY THE OTHER DAY AND I FELT WEIRD BECAUSE IT WASNT A SAFE PLACE...MEANING I HADNT BEEN THERE FOR A LONG WHILE SO I WASNT SURE WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO...

THEN TODAY I GO TO THE BANK AND SOMEONE THAT WORKS THERE AND ALSO WENT TO SCHOOL WITH MY GIRLS SAID " HOWS THE GIRLS" I JUST SAID "DO WHAT" THEN HE SAID "YOUR SON" I GUESS THAT WAS SAFE????OR HE JUST DIDNT KNOW...I STILL GET THAT "HOWS KOURTNEY DOING?" I SAY OR I WANT TO SAY "SHES HEALED WE GOT OUR MIRICLE WE WERE WAITING ON".......

[heartbeataway]

lolynbo,

Very sweet idea ..... thanks for sharing the picture of the coat.

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Thanks Dee ......  I know that time will continue to pass and change is constant.

sigh ......... big, big sigh .......

Thank you for being constant .......

Bonnie

A week from now we will be in Virginia preparing for Pinnacle Days!

[heartbeataway]

lolynbo,

I did go back to my hairdresser one time .......

Since Jason was getting married in October we had spent time talking about the wedding plans, etc....

When I went in and she started on my hair, the first thing she asked was how the wedding plans were going.  I couldn't even talk, I just broke down. When I could explain, she said, "well, you look good"........ 

I know I caught her off guard and it had to be awkward but, "you look good?"

The girl who did my nails hugged me and cried.......

The waitress at our favorite restaurant cried and gave us a dessert.

Everything changes ........

[daveydow1]

Colleen,

As others have said, 4 months is so so early on this rough road. I'm so

sorry for your loss of your dear son, Brian.  I am 5 yrs. out on the journey,

and I too remember how it was in those early months. I think it helps to

just let out the grief in whatever way you need to do it. I do so wish I

had the words to ease your pain. Just know that all of us here at the BI

"family" are here to help in any small way that we can, if possible. All of

us knows the crushing grief you are experiencing now. Please come back

and post/read whenever you feel the need. We all care about you.

Peace be with you always.

                       Daveysmom, Sherry

 

Lorri,

  The Kourtney's Kloset is a wonderful thing to do. I wish you all the luck

in the world. I too missed out on having grandchildren from my son, Davey.

He was never married, and left no children.  You are so right---Kourtney had

a natural beauty that shines out like a diamond.  Take care.

 

Bonnie,

You mentioned not being able to feel any enthusiasm for Christmas and for

holidays. I am the same. I go through the motions, but my heart is not in it.

I also know what you mean when you said that Jason was your air, and it

is hard to breath without him. Peace be with you.

 

Dee,

It is bittersweet to hear that ERi fell in love that summer 5 yrs. ago. I too think

my Dave was in the early stages of love, although not with the right girl. Alas.

Now, in their perfect heaven, they feel only perfect love, without any danger of

ever having their hearts broken. All our angels have this now. Bless every one

of their little white souls.

                           Daveysmom,  Sherry

 

[shorty16]

Daveys Mom

Thank you for your kind response.  My question to all of you - Do you have family members who do not contact you anymore?  My sister is great (I only have one sibling).  My husband has 4 siblings, none of which have contacted us since the funeral and all but one live in within 1.5 hours and a phone call away.

My husbands 2 sisters both have wonderful lifes and consider themselves christians.  How they be Christians when they cause us so much pain by staying away.  I am so sad, angry and every other emotion. 

We have to spend Thanksgiving with them.  How fake is that?  I do not mean to sound angry, but I am very hurt.  I get more support from my Beyond Indigo friends then I do my own family.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Colleen (Brian's Mom

[heartbeataway]

Colleen,

My folks ......

I have not had one phone call from them since Jason died.  They weren't going to come to his memorial service.  And when they came to the visitation they wanted to take pictures ........

What's so sad about this to me is that Jason called Dad his hero and was the only grandchild that would take time out from hunting trips to go and see them, etc...

I'm reading a book, "Family Ties Don't Have To Bind".  My counselor also said something to me that stuck with me. She said that family is not always related to you.  She also said that you can forgive but there's nothing saying you have to reconcile.

Why are you spending Thanksgiving with these folks? Sounds like it will be stressful for you. Have you tried to call them?

Just curious ....

Be strong!

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

This is a writing by a Mom (Diane Robertson) who lost her daughter.  We had this on the memorial handout at Jason's service.  We changed the line, Beside the lilly pond to, At The Cove you held  so dear.

Just wanted to share.

Rise Up Slowly Angel

Rise up slowly, Angel,

Do not leave me hear alone.

For the warmth of mortal essence,

Lays replaced with cold hard stone.

Speak to me in breezes,

Whisper through the drying leaves.

Caress my brow with rain drops,

Filtered by the sheltered trees.

Rise up slowly, Angel.

For I cannot hear the song,

Which calls you through the shadows,

Into the light beyond.

Wrap me in a downy cape and sunshine,

Warm with love.

And kiss a tear stained Mother’s face,

With moonlight from above.

Then wait for me at sunset,

Beside the lilly pond.

And guide me safely to your world,

Which lays somewhere beyond.

Just spread your arms,

To take me in reunions sweet embrace.

And we shall soar together,

To a different time and place.

[lolynbo]

I DONT HAVE FAMILY (IMEDIATE ) THAT WONT COME SEE US... BUT I HAVE SO CALLED FRIENDS...(YA RIGHT) MY FRIEND IS THE MOTHER IN LAW OF KOURTNEYS BEST FRIEND...HER NAME IS DEBBIE DEBBIE CAME UP TO SEE US 3 TIMES IN 7 MONTHS (AN HR AWAY) HALIE (KOURTNEYS BEST FRIEND) CAME MAYBE 5 TIMES THE WHOLE 7 MONTHS...THEY SAID IT WAS "TOO HARD ON THEM TO SEE HER LIKE THAT" THESE ARE PPL WE DO EVERYTHING WITH...WHEN DEBBIES HUSBAND DIED WE HELPED PAY FOR SOME OF THE FUNERAL..AND WAS THERE EVERY STEP OF THE WAY....BUT THEY ONLY CAME TO KOURTNEYS FUNERAL AND I HEARD DEBBIE SAY WHEN SHE HUGGED ME " WE LET YOU DOWN IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE"  BUT STILL NO PHONE CALLS NOTHING WHAT SO EVER...IT HURTS....BUT I GUESS YOU TRUELY FIND OUT WHO YOUR TRUE FRIENDS ARE IN THESE SITUATIONS....

BUT I HAVE YALL AND I HAVE MY SISTER AND JENNIFER AND MY MOM, AND OF COURSE MY BROTHER AND MY HUBBY AND MY SON AND DAUGHTER .....OTHER THEN THAT NO ONE CALLS OR COMES BYE,

ITS LIKE THIS STUFF IS CATCHY....I WAS JUST WATCHING PPL IN A PARKING LOT WAITING FOR MY SON TO GET OFF WORK, AND WE ARE WATCHING PPL DRIVE OFF WITH NO CARSEATS, NO SEATBELTS (WITH THE KIDDOS) AND ONE LIL GIRL HAD NO SHOES OR COAT....AND ITS 55 OUT SIDE AND WINDY....I TOLD MY HUBBY YOU CANT CURE "STUPID"...THESE PPL JUST DONT KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE.....

[heartbeataway]

You can't cure stupid ...... now, that's funny!!

[cameronsmom1]

I just wanted to share this poem that I wrote for my sons funeral. My loss was a little different because my son was stillborn but I just thought this could still relate to everyone in a way.

[align=center]Our Goodbye[/align]

[align=center]We never thought we'd say goodbye before we got to say hello[/align]

[align=center]We have so many questions but there's things we'll never know[/align]

[align=center]Everything happens for a reason and although it isn't fair[/align]

[align=center]We all wish that we were with you there[/align]

[align=center]It hurt so much to know that there was nothing we could do[/align]

[align=center]And we never got the chance to spend our time with you[/align]

[align=center]There will always be a spot for you in everybody's heart[/align]

[align=center]And that's our way of knowing we'll never be apart[/align]

[align=center]So many people loved you although you never met[/align]

[align=center]But there's little things about you we never will forget[/align]

[align=center]Your brother may not understand but he did love you so[/align]

[align=center]And when it ocmes the time we'll help him to let go[/align]

[align=center]It's so hard for me and daddy to have to say goodbye[/align]

[align=center]And hard to think about you and try not to cry[/align]

[align=center]You're a beautiful baby boy and we wish you could have stayed[/align]

[align=center]But we will try to be strong and we'll take it day by day[/align]

[align=center]This is our goodbye although it's the last thing we want to do[/align]

[align=center]So rest in peace our baby boy we will always love you[/align]

[align=center]Love Mommy[/align]

[lostwoher]

I too would like to know what others do to cope with a tragic loss because I dont know how to do it. I recently loss my daughter of 21 years to a drowning accident. I have returned to work and doing the 'daily living' but I am so miserable inside. Any help would be greatly appreciated.           Thank you in advance

[ericasmom]

I am running late this morning but felt the need to see everyone here before I go. The sun is causing gorgeous colors to streak the morning sky and I am reminded of miracles and rebirth. I do however know that those first months after losing Erica, it was hard to udnerstand hy the sun kept coming up...hard to realize that somehow I was supposed to manage another 24 hours and stay sane. To those of you new this, my biggest advice is to let yourself grieve. Let your broken hearts roam the hallways and corners of your mind and spirit, let your ache run from you so that you can breathe. If others have a hard time with your sadness, it will have to be their issue, not yours. It is not time now to take care of others dealing with you, it is time for them to learn to cope with the YOU that has changed, and if they cannot, they need to stay clear. Some people do not know how to be next to our pain, so they become less and less in our picture adn that is okay. Better that than them waiting for you to be who you used to be. NOt going to happen. You will be you with a broken heart and that changes us. One day, you will recognize more pieces of yourself, but more importantly, one day you will appreciate who you have become through the hard work of grief. YOu will know that through your hard work to live your life well in the face of such great loss, you have honored your Child greatly.

To our latest and newest post of a loss, my deepest heart to you. Your beautiful Daughter is rooting for you, she is walking along with you knowing that you are aching. Can you tell us more about your Girl, and the tragedy of losing her? My girl was 19 when she was killed 5 years ago. Just last year, an aquantance also from Oak Park Illinois, lost her 24 year old in a drowning. No words can make this go away, but the words spent here are well worth your energy, we help each other and surround those new to this with our love, our knowing, and our prayers. Please post and know that right now, take it one moment at atime. Eventually, you will get through a half an hour without despair, but not right now. Be good to yourself, and when you can';t imagine why you should be good to yourself, remember that your Girl would want you to be.

Blessings,

Dee

[briansdad]

LOSTWOHER,

I'M SORRY YOU HAVE TO BE HERE BUT YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

THE ONLY ADVICE I CAN GIVE YOU AND I KNOW ALL MY OTHER FRIENDS HERE WILL AGREE IS TO TAKE THINGS ONE DAY AT A TIME.LISTEN TO YOUR HEART AND NOT WHAT OTHERS TELL YOU . DO WHAT EVER YOU FEEL NO MATTER WHO SAYS IT'S CRAZY. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.I KNOW IT'S HARD TO SLEEP OR EAT BUT YOU NEED TO TRY.

TAKE CARE,

GREG

PS HI BETTS !

 

[daniellemom]

Lostwoher,

I'm so sorry for your lost, your daughter is beautiful! Take care of her self and like Greg said do what you need to do. I also lost my 21 year old daughter October 11, 2007. She was killed in a single car accident.

Colleen (Brian's Mom)

I understand about the family. My husband's family (his brothers/sisters Mom and Dad) never say Danielle's name. Now his family is our neighbors they live in walking distance. If I say Danielle's name they change the subject. Her birthday come and gone never called or said anything. The 1 year mark come and gone never said a word no calls no nothing. But I've come to learn they don't know what to say, they hurt also, it's different but they hurt, they see you hurt they want to help and know they can't so they stay away. I'm glad you have your family that can grieve with you and you can be yourself with and talk about Brian and all your memories.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[lostwoher]

Thank you all for your kind words. We are all suffering a tragic loss but somehow can manage to comfort another.

My story: Kayla 2/10/87 - 8/12/08 was found floating in a lake which she lived across the street from. Coroners report is that she was 3 times over the legal limit of intoxication and no fowl play was involved.

One of my biggest problems with this is that a co-worker had been with her drinking but he left her sleeping on a dock. No criminal charges will be filed. Im not sure if I agree to that. One minute I know he has to live with the fact that he could have prevented this tragic event and the next I am so angry that he isnt being held liable. Had they been in a vehicle then he would have been charged with a homocide. I just dont know what to think.

[lolynbo]

THERE IS PPL THAT SAY WE SHOULD HAVE ALL KOURTNEYS MEDICAL RECORDS BROUGHT UP AND LOOKED AT BY LAWYERS...BUT IM NOT GOING TO GO THROUGH THAT, IT WONT BRING HER BACK AND IT WILL ONLY CAUSE US HEART ACHE...

MEANING THESE PPL THINK SOMEONE DROPPED THE BALL, BUT ITS JUST NOT WORTH THE HEARTACHE AND HEADACHE...

IM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS OF YOUR SWEET GIRL, IM GOING ON 4 MONTHS TOMARROW WITH OUT MY KOURTNEY LYNN....BUT WITH GODS GRACE AND BLESSINGS WE WILL GET THROUGH TOMARROW AND THE NEXT DAY TOGETHER..

 

WE ARE GOING CAMPING FOR THE 4 DAY WEEKEND, TAKING THE CAMPER WE THOUGHT WE WOULD LIVE IN WHILE KOURTNEY WAS IN HOPSITAL AND NURSING HOME....I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YALL AND YALL PRAY FOR US AS WELL

[cameronsmom1]

Dee,

I just love what you wrote. I practicly just copied your whole message and pasted it in my blog for my myspace page. I really want my blog to help give some ideas for ways to deal with grieving that are written from someone with experience not just textbook answers. You have definitely got a way with words. I would have never been able to put it like that. I think that way but can't put it into words.  Thank you so much.

Greg,

Thank you so much for the tips. I really appreciate all the help I can get.

Lostwoher,

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. I'm really glad you have found BI because I have found so much comfort in this website. I hope you can too. I will have my blog posted soon on my myspace page of ways to cope. It will be ideas from others that have actually been through a loss not just textbook answers. I hope you will take a look at it. www.myspace.com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

Lorri,

I was also told to have my situation investigated. I had the option of doing an autopsy but I refused. Not because I think it was all normal but because I didn't want to drag it on any more then I had too. Regardless of what I find out it will still not change the fact that he's gone. And if I was to find out that something could have been done to stop this I would blame myself and have to deal with a lot of anger and guilt. I don't want to deal with that if I don't have to. I've just decided to stick with the only explanation I got, that it must have had something to do with the chromosomes. It doesn't answer all my questions but it's enough and I know my questions will never be answered and i've accepted that. Hope you have a great time camping.

Amanda(Mother of an Angel Baby)

P.S. I hope that you all will take a look at my page when i'm finished with the blog. If you have anymore advice on coping please let me know. Thanks

[shorty16]

Since everyone is different and no-one is right or wrong, my husband and I chose to have an autopsy done.  My son Brian died at the scene from a car-surfing accident on 6-19-08.  The paramedics assumed Brian had masive head injuries.  The autopsy proved otherwise.  There was absolutely no head injuries, but blunt force trama to the chest and abdomen.  The coroner said "If this accident would have happened in the parking lot of the hospital, we could not have saved him."

This helped me, because I was angry at the first responders for not saving my son.  Only to find out there was nothing they could of done.  It also helped me, because he died in minutes after the impact.  He suffered very little and went unconscience before he died.

It is so interesting hearing from others who chose not to persue this and how it worked for them. 

I LOVE THIS SITE.  THANK YOU ALL.

Colleen

[heartbeataway]

Cameron'sMom,

Beautiful poem, thank you for sharing!

[heartbeataway]

lostwoher .......

baby steps and deep breaths ........ time .......Beyond Indigo ........ accept help if and when it's offered, ask for help if it's not.......

I am so sorry for your loss!

Blessings!

Bonnie

[dansmama]

Today I am 12 weeks into this horrific journey. I can only say what has helped me in so far. I live in the Los Angeles area so I think there are a lot of resources here. My husband and I attend Griefshare, a biblically based class. I like that there is a lesson for each week rather than a general support group. There are three other families that lost young adult sons this year. It is such a different loss than a spouse or parent. I have also attended Compassionate Friends. It’s good. A room full of people that have lost their children. The sadness is palpable. This board has helped more than you all know. I can see people ahead of me on this road and they are managing. Claudia's words and wisdom are soothing and I find myself reflecting on them although I do not post too often.

Daniel died on July 24, 2008 in a motorcycle accident. I stop myself from asking "What was he thinking?". He wasn't as experienced as his friend and he knew it. But that is the point. He did things on impulse and until that day landed on his feet. That is one of the things that I love about him. His uninhibited expressions of love,  his hugs no matter who was around. outbursts of laughter at "random" moments were all part of him. I got the nerve to read the police report this weekend and although it was cold and clinical, it put my mind to rest about the accident itself. He was gone in a second.

Another young man from our small town was killed in a motorcycle accident a month earlier. Our daughters got us connected on the internet and our communication has been healing for both of us. Email is wonderful. I can get up in the middle of the night and write to her and feel like she is "listening" to me. It's like journaling but someone is at the other end. I was able to tell her that Daniel and I discussed her son's death. He was in Iraq and Afghanistan and then a police officer. He survived those situations and then died on his way to see her. Daniel only commented, "It was his time". That's how I have to look at it too.

So the bottom line  - what helps? a little bit of everything and a lot of faith in God and that we will see our precious babies again. Blessings - Marian

 

[dansmama]

One thing I have thought about lately is how have I treated others in my shoes? There has not been that many;but a few. My 25 year old daughter had a brain tumor when she was 3 years old. She suffers daily from the effects but she is here; others are not. I thought I did the right things but sadly now I know I was pretty darn useless. I sent a card, remembered them in prayers for short time, brought a meal and told them I was sorry.

Maybe these people just don't know what to do so they do nothing or something that is not helpful. When I got home from work last night there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers on the bench and a note from a friend. The note was nice until the end when she said that she hoped I was moving on. Moving on? to where? I know she meant to encourage me but it just hit me wrong. This is a good person who brought over a 50 gallon cooler filled with drinks, water and sodas the day Daniel died. She asked me to leave it on our porch. Everyday for almost two weeks it was refilled with drinks and ice. Her heart is in the right place. We learn so many lessons during this season. I said I didn't post much and two in one day!

 

[daveydow1]

Bonnie,

Just a lovely poem.....Thanks for sharing it. I want to copy it and show

it to my husband. I think it may help him. He is usually just inconsolable.

 

Colleen,

My family has stayed pretty close, but they never mention Davey. You

are right.....it is very hurtful when people just never mention our childrens'

names, or change the subject quickly. Don't they realize that it hurts when

they act as though he/she  never existed ?  I believe that many people are

very wrapped up in their own lives, and that they don't want anyone who

they perceive as a "downer" to spoil their life---even for a minute. I believe we

are not angry but just hurting. As for friends, most of my friends did not even

acknowledge my son's passing, for whatever reason.  Some said they didn't

know......were away.....blah blah etc.  After 5 yrs. I have let it all go, but it

still hurts to think about it. Whenever I have to go to a funeral or wake, and

have misgivings about going......I tell myself that its not about ME.......its about

going and expressing sympathy to the berieved ones.   Peace.

  Daveysmom,    Sherry

[briansdad]

dansmama,

My son Brian was killed Sept 30th 2004 also on a motorcycle.He didn't have the bike long enough to make the first payment.I'm trying to get the law changed here in Missouri to not allow anyone to get a bike with out an approved safety course.As it is now all they need to do is take a written test to get a permit and get on a bike that can go 150 mph.Stupid HUH? Brian had a little girl who was 5 at the time he died.She remembers her Daddy well. Four years seems so long then it doesn't. The first year is pure hell.BUT I didn't mask my feelings with drugs and I think it helped me to progress faster than if I had taken them. All the new members here, the important word is progress. NOT moving on. It's like being on a trail you have never traveled. Around some turns are good things and others not so good. The more miles you put behind you the fewer bad and few more good.That is only way I can explain it.

I want to share Brian with the new people here is his web site.

http://brian-klocke.memory-of.com/About.aspx

Take care,

Greg

I miss ya B

[ericasmom]

thanks Amanda, I think if I can assist in any way, well, then it is because others have helped me as well. A pathway of broken hearts leading us to a place where we can reflect, we can unload, we can breathe, we can vent, adn we can find people who will listen to our stories, people that will say our Baby's name again.

A lovely poem Colleen, filled with the ache adn honesty of parents whose arms long to hold that Beautiful Boy again.

Greg, it feels good to see your words here, to feel your helpful spirit.

Sonya, I am terribly sorry that your family has not acknowledged your sweet Danielle's one year mark, it makes my head hurt to think of how they could let this sadness go past without marking it somehow. Some people however, just cannot get next to death of anyone, least of all young ones. They leave us to our own to figure it out. /

Your Bi family however loves you and holds you and Danielle in our hearts.

Bonnie is so right, you have come to a place that will be helpful in this very hard journey. Hang on, we are all here staggered in our grief, and joined in it as well.

I am so very sorry for the new posters, if we could make it so you never needed this place, we surely would.

Kayla's Mom, you must be conflicted about the co-worker in your daughter's death. I would be too, and you raise two good points, had they been driving he would be liable, and on the other hand, he will have to live with his negligience as well. Sadness all the way around. Great hugs to you as you step into each day. And to all of you new to this, my heart wraps around you all wanting to make sure that you understand that we are here.

Love and Peace one day,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Marian,

I too learned a huge lesson about how folks who have suffered the loss of child when our son died.

I actually had a high school friend who lost her daughter in a car accident 13 years ago. We had lost touch with each other via email, she told me about her loss. I thought it had just happened recently and when I found out it had been five years I remembered being shocked at how strong her grief was. I remember thinking it was  an unimaginable loss but that she was not moving on.

And then it happened to us ........

She called me and reached out with understanding that only someone who had experience could.

I have since apologized to her. And she graciously said she understood.

No one can possibly know or understand the loss of a child like someone who has experience.

Bonnie

[cameronsmom1]

Dee,

That is one of the most important thing that I stress to people that add my page and have just lost a baby. That it is so important to let it out in any way that you can. Holding it in will eat you up inside. Some people can't talk about it so I suggest just writing. Keep a journal every day and write whatever you're feeling. One day you will be able to look back at it and see how far you've come. For the longest time I wasn't able to talk about it so I started writing poems and letters to my son. Since I never got to talk to him that is my way of communicating. I can tell that he is here with me and helping me through this. My four year old son Cameron says things to me sometimes that I know Brayden (my angel baby) had something to do with. Cameron has been my strength and I am so lucky to have him to help me through this. It's like he can read my mind. If I am having a bad day he will always hug me and tell me it's going to be ok mom don't be sad, and I believe him. I am so grateful that I found this website. I had started a myspace page for people who have lost hoping that it would give everyone a place to come and talk and LET IT OUT. It was slow at first but this past month I have had 10 people add it. Most of them are only a week or so into their loss and I feel so much for them. But being able to be there for them and help them on their long journey ahead has been so great for me. I couldn't imagine not having someone to help you through this and I am so lucky to get to be one of those people to help them. Sorry I rambled on I have just been making so much progress this past month and am really excited about it. I hope everyone is doing well and knows the impact they are having on everybody's life here on BI. Thank you to everyone! I don't know what I would do without you guys.

Amanda 

[cameronsmom1]

If you haven't already I could really use some more coping strategies that everyone has used to make it where they are today. I have had a lot of new moms add my page that are so new to this and could really use the advice. I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks, Amanda

[arc4ever]

Bonnie,  I have been reading posts on BI for a while now, you are the first person to post that I have come across who, like me, lost their only child.  My son Adam died as a result of injuries from an automobile accident on March 25, 2008.  Adam was driving to school.  He was 16 years old and he was everything my husband and I lived for.  We are struggling every day to breathe like you said, just to get thru the next few minutes, the next hour, the next day.  We are coming up on Adam's birthday on November 1st and of course the holidays and I am beginning to get panicked.  I don't know how to do this.  I feel like we have absolutely nothing to keep us moving forward.  Please share with me how you are coping, I feel like a special subgroup of parents who have lost their only child.  I know children are not interchangeable and those with other children have their own special problems, but I have nothing left all of my hopes and dreams I have nothing.

[daniellemom]

Veronica's Mom D

May today bring you sweet memories of your beautiful daughter Veronica. You and your family are in my prayers today.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[4everjoeysmom]

Lostwoher, I am so sorry to know that you have joined this journey of losing a child, your beautiful Kayla. When I read your words, it was like looking back at myself 2 years in time and how I felt about the ones who had been with my son Joey the night he died. Joey also was about 3 times the legal limit of BAC. A small group of people Joey had been with that afternoon and evening left him to wander off to walk home, 4 miles, alone, in the dark countryside, along some railroad tracks. Joey passed out along the tracks. A train came along… I had to work very hard on forgiveness—forgiving Joey for being so careless and irresponsible that night, and forgiving them for their neglect that led to a very sad and difficult journey for our family. Once I was able to forgive, the anger I felt began to lift, the blame went away, and the work of my recovery truly began. The night Joey died I realized time that stood still and I didn’t know how I would ever survive. I do hope that in time you are able to forgive Kayla’s friend, and Kayla too. Nothing we can do can bring them back. But I pray in time and healing, as I have found for my life, you also can find a way to honor her life. In the meantime there is a lot of hard work in mourning and grieving, and the best thing you can do for yourself is what you are doing now—connecting with people who understand and can share real and practical experience and growth with you through such a terribly tough and dark journey. Take it baby steps, and don’t become discouraged when you fall a few steps back. It happens. Realize that you CAN survive and that you WILL find purpose beyond the pain, and hold onto that hope as tight as you can as you journey onward. And for proof that you can and will, visit with your new friends here often, as in them I found the most tangible encouragement that I could ever have hoped for. You can share Kayla anytime, any way, for as much as you desire, and you can be who you are in any way that you are in any moment of your life, and always, always, always, someone here will understand and you will not feel so isolated and alone. Bless you. I’m praying for you, and again, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. ~4everJoeysMom (Claudia)

[4everjoeysmom]

Veronica's Mom, I echo Sonya's sentiments. Thinking of you today and always... ~Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Marian, your recent post about the night they retired Daniel's number and you just couldn't be there... it touched me. I can feel the hurting in your heart. I'm sure your husband, Daniel's father was beaming with pride and yet at the same time aching inside. It's a world of bittersweet now, but somehow still sweeter than life ever could have been without our children in our lives.

I recall a week or so ago talking to my husband of woman I knew as a child--her daughter was one of my school mates and we hung out often for a time when we were much younger. That school mate died at age 23. I went to the wake and I saw her mom ten years later for the first time after. I remember her mom telling me how happy she was to see me, one of her daughter's friends, and how she hoped I would come by and visit again sometime. I did not know what to say.... I truly didn't. Now, looking back, I understand her pain, even ten years later. How very much I understand now!!

I'm sorry your friend's words let you down. I'm certain that in time you will be able to forgive her naiveté and know that she too just couldn't possibly understand. Thank God she doesn't understand for her sake... yet for yours it is difficult, and this too I understand.

Bless you as you continually find strength and hope for the journey. Much love, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Arc4ever, I'm so sorry for your tragic and painful loss. In experiencing my own and having read before that when we lose the young adult child, we lose the child and the baby also, it seemed so vivid and true to me. Mourning my Joey included also grieving through the memories of all of his growing up years from conception to leaving this precious life. I've also grieved all that could have been and was not to be regarding his dreams for his future that also became mine. I am certain that having lost your only child makes that mourning and grieving even greater than I could possibly imagine, but on some level I am with you in that pain. My heart goes out to you... I hope and pray that in connecting with Bonnie, you will be able to find some hope and comfort for the journey. Please know you are among many who so genuinely care... ~Claudia

[heartbeataway]

arcforever,

March 2008 ..... I am so very sorry for your loss.

The "first" are hard.  I'm not going to even pretend they're not. Our son died April 28th, 2007. Mother's Day was my first significant day without him. I just wanted to be alone.

So, my husband and I spent the day together and we went for a long drive and then to dinner at a little out of the way place. Father's Day we pretty much did the same thing.

There are still tears almost every day. Today it was in the middle of Barnes & Noble.  My nephew called and he ask how I was doing. That was all it took .......

I still think of him before I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning. This morning, I woke up just missing him and tears rolling down my cheeks hitting the pillow.

I think we are all different in our grief. Some determine to be strong and seem to glide through some of the grief process while others (like me) get bogged down and need to stop and "wallow" every once in a while. We were exceptionally close to our son.

We were on the verge of moving to Virginia to be closer to him and what was to be his wife. His Dad was going to join him in expanding his business.

I also don't know that it's harder to lose an only child vs one of your children. Losing a child is just gotta be the most cruel blow that life can lend.

I do know that it's hard to even think about the way things could have or would have been had he lived.

I felt I lost my identity when Jason died. I so loved being his Mom.  I loved being a Mom period.  If it were physically possible for me, I would have had more children.

Our family name ended when Jason died. That was hard too.

I will never have a grandchild with his quirky smile, his dimple, his strawberry blonde hair or hands like ours.  His hands were like mine, my hands are like my Dads.

I have boxes of his things labeled, "For My Grandchildren".  Things that use to be his.

Who do we pass family mementos to? 

Back to your question, the holidays .......

We had Thanksgiving at our house. I'm not sure how that happened. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Some family came from Oklahoma and Virginia and a sister and her family that live near us came.

I didn't have a "sit down" dinner. That was too hard. I did have a framed poem on the table with a smaller framed picture of Jason.  That was our way of including him.  We did pretty well that day.

Christmas, we went to Detroit and spent it with my husbands 83 year old Aunt.  She would have been alone otherwise.  I don't know when I'll be able to put up a tree again. All those memories!

We did do a Christmas card that was unique.  When Jason was in pre-school, he brought home a gingerbread man that his little hands made of burlap.  It was big and sort of ugly.

But he was so proud of it!  He ran in and put it right smack in the middle front of the tree.

Subsequent years, I would put "Gingy" on the tree but usually in the back somewhere. By Christmas morning, Gingy would have moved somewhat mysteriously to the front of the tree.

So, last year, my husband and I made 77 "Gingy's".  We took his Gingy to a nearby department store and took a picture of it on a tree.  We had a card printed with the picture on the front.  We added the story of Gingy inside. We added a tag to each Gingy that included the words to a poem I wrote:

"Please hang this replica "Gingy" on your tree and remember, "the little boy that was, the man who grew and the spirit he is today .... "

We've found it easier to be around folks who know of our loss.  We spent New Year's Eve with good friends.

Easter we had folks at our house again.  I find it easier when I'm busy and doing for others.

I guess I'm rambling.  I don't know if any of this will prove helpful to you. It's not easy to face the first holidays and I'm not sure it gets any easier.

Please email me privately if you want.  I will do whatever I can to help you cope and offer comfort.

Blessings,

Bonnie