Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

I FINALLY GOT A PIC ON HERE OF KOURTNEY, THIS IS HER SR PIC ON THE SIDE OF HER DADDYS STOCK CAR....

THANK ALL OF YALL FOR SHARING MY PAIN AND YOURS..GODS JUST GOT TO GET US THROUGH THIS, IWE HAVE TO REMEMBER HE IS IN CONTROL.

LOVE TO ALL

LORRI L

KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGAL FEBRUARY 27, 1986 TO JUNE 17, 2008

 

[heartbeataway]

I hope Trudi and Kathy are enjoying their time away.  I miss them!

Has anyone taken a trip in an RV?  We're considering it .......

Hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

I miss them too Bonnie,

I have not taken a trip in an RV, but I have had friends that enjoyed their trips very much. YOu can google campsites with electricity so as to hook up to a source when you guys stop for a day or so. I think it sounds lovely, and the countryside this time of year should prove stunning. i know it is hard to think about as you approach the date...I am very scattered each year the whole month before ERi's dates. I think it has to do wtih protecting ones' heart. You have a shining heart Bonnie, your Boy was born of your love and lives on in it as well.

Peace Sista'

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, My in-laws have an RV. They used to come to NC and camp for a couple of weeks each year in a camp that has nice lots specifically for RV's. They enjoyed having the lake front, and my husbands kids would camp with them for that 2 weeks of every summer. It was really a nice way for my in-laws to travel and park and still have some of their comforts of home and plenty of privacy. They have since stopped, as age and soaring gas prices combined have made it more difficult. They seemed to really love having the kind of flexibility traveling in the RV gave them.

[daveydow1]

lolynbo, Lorri,

I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet daughter Kourtney. She is a

very pretty pretty young girl. At this early stage, the pain is overwhelming,

and I know how difficult it is---as does everyone else here at BI. We are

at all different points along the way on this rough road.  I pray that your

wonderful memories of beautiful Kourtney may soothe your aching heart.

I am 5 yrs. on this journey---my son, Dave, died in a highway accident in

2003. Sometimes it seems like yesterday.  I pray that you can somehow

find peace and comfort.

    Daveysmom,  Sherry 

[lolynbo]

what a beautifully handsome guy he is...im sorry for your loss too. some days i have really good ones...(kinds like before but just an empty hole) and some days i just cant hardly breathe...i miss her so, as i said before she was more then just a daughter..she was so many ppl to me/us.

we go to the cemetary every night i just feel peaceful there...i hope i never stop going....i met a lady that found her son dead in his room, so i no there is ppl that hurt worse then i do...(if i could imagine that)..then im thankful she isnt suffering anymore. or that she is mentally challenged (not that there is anything wrong with that) its just not how she LIVED HER LIFE...

matter of fact on her myspace page and bebo she said "loving every minute of my life"

keep in touch

lorri l

kourtneys momma

kourtney lynn brackett-cargal

feb 27, 1986 to june 17, 2008

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

You're right, it is a hard month.......

Last Sunday was our 17th month without him.  Then Monday, the lucky folks who got Jason's house closed on it.

I'm trying to focus on preparations for the birthday/life/love celebration.  It now has a name, Pinnacle Days.  His ashes were scattered at The Pinnacle, which is the mountian top at The Cove campground.

Dee, Claudia, Thanks for the feedback on the RV's.  After checking it out, it would cost around 4K for the rental, mileage, fees and gas.  We decided to go ahead and fly and rent an RV there.

Can't justify spending the money in this economy.

It is beautiful at The Cove this time of year.  It's a great place for our boy to rest.  We understand why he loved it.

Until next time,

Bonnie

[summergirl]

Hello my friends - well here I am in Iowa with my family!!!   I took all of your advice and saw the plane ride through Tavian's eyes and what an experiance - I even watched out the window as we took off and we took pictures of the clouds below us. The flight was much better then I expected, the fear seemed to melt away as Tavian looked at me and said "mi-mi do you need to hold my hand?" I smiled at him and we held hands as the plane rose to 36,000 feet in the air!!  Then when landed in Chicago we had a 3 hour lay over so we went for lunch and then we got back on a smaller plane and it wasn't full so Tavian decided to sit across the isle from me so we could each have our own window!!   I just want to tell all of you thank you for your encouragement as I don't think I would have made it on the plane without your wonderful words.  I will take lots of pictures so be prepared for them!!

I miss you all but so glad my sister has her new computer for me to come here. You know I need you all!!

Beautiful day here today, about 75 degrees and all came for late lunch. It was so good to see old friends but seeing my dad and mom was quite a suprise as I didn't realize how much they have aged but then losing a child will do that to you. We went to their farm yesterday for a few hours and Tavian got to ride his cousin's 4-wheeler! He was so happy and his smile so big - my heart was happy. Lots of plans for while we are here so will be busy.

Love and Peace my friends and talk soon.  Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri:  Your daughter, Kourtney, is just lovely.  I am so glad you were able to get her picture on.  I am so very, very sorry for your loss…we here at BI all know and understand your life has changed, your pain is real, and is forever.  As others have said, the pain does soften, but never, ever goes away.  Coming here to BI has been such a help and has certainly brought me through many days when I wondered how I would make it.  I know that you will find comfort and support here, and the members of BI will help to provide the bridge you need to get from one day to another.  

Kathy:  I am so happy that you and Tavian had such a wonderful flight experience, and I so hope your trip is truly awesome!  Seeing things through a child’s eyes is so renewing.  We have driven to our daughter’s house in VA many, many times.  But the time we drove down with our three year old grandson, Kameron, with us we saw things we had never seen, had fun at places we had never stopped at before, and just so much enjoyed the trip, because of seeing things through the eyes of this precious child who had never traveled before.  

Sonya:  I will be thinking of you also, as you approach the 11^th.  I also hope that you feel the warmth of sweet memories of your precious Danielle throughout the day.   Our plans are very unstructured, but tentatively, spreading a few ashes in the river at his favorite hiking site, a graveside prayer reading, and perhaps a candlelight ceremony.  

Bonnie, I am glad your plans are coming together for the celebration of your sweet Jason’s life…coming together with all of those who loved him so much will bring much comfort, I am sure.  The Cove sounds like such a beautiful place.   I know that it was so very painful for you to lose the house that you had wanted so, but am glad that you seem to be moving through the sorrow of it and not letting it stop you in your tracks.  

October is so bittersweet for us…Mike’s dad’s birthday is the 12^th, two days before he lost his only son.  He said tonight that he doesn’t know if he wants to celebrate his birthday any longer…”what’s the sense?” he asked.  Well, the “sense” is that Mike would want him to, and because of that, he must.  He must remember the will that Mike exhibited, knowing each day that he was slipping further and further away from us, yet trying to make it to his dad’s birthday.  On the day of his dad’s birthday, Mike lost his ability to speak.  Yet, when they brought out the b’day cake, Mike smiled and mouthed the words to “Happy Birthday” and looked so proud of his accomplishment at the end of the song.  He dozed after that, but woke long enough to have a small bite of cake.  He slept then, and I don’t remember that he was able to eat anything at all again.  The next day, his systems began shutting down, and as each hour slipped by, we knew he was entering the final hours of this long journey begun 17 months earlier, with his diagnosis of terminal brain cancer.  We sat with him, the others taking turns staying awake, and I stayed there by his side, unable to let my eyes close for even a minute, afraid I would miss a minute of the short time we all knew he had left. A number of people came through that last day; I can’t begin to remember who all came by.  At 7:15, we knew we had moments left.  At 8:07 p.m., he breathed his last, and was gone.   As I reached across his face to gently close his eyes, I didn’t know how I was going to make it to the next minute. 

It has been just eight days shy of two years since that terrible night, and yet I still remember every moment, every second, every breath.  I can still feel the chill of the night, see the steam of my breath, as I stood outside on the porch and watched them load my son’s body into the van.  I remember watching the red tails lights of the van blinking through the trees, get smaller and smaller, as the van was slowly moving down the street through the dark hours of the night, carrying his body away for the last time.  

How is it possible that it is two years since I last heard him speak, saw him smile, brushed his hair back from his face, wiped his brow with a cool cloth, listened to him breathing softly as I sat by his bedside?  I miss him so, so much…I know that life will never be the same, and I know that he is watching to see that we don’t let our lives slip away, but sometimes I just want to crawl into a closet and never come out again---the pain is just too great, too heavy. 

love and peace to all tonight,

carol  mikesmomrs

Christening day:

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, It sounds like you have made a wise choice. Those RV's eat a lot of gas when you travel cross-country. That's one reason my in-laws no longer do it. I've been thinking of you. I know the "letting go" concerning Jason's house --(one more thing of him)-- must be difficult.

Carol, Tears... so many tears... I felt just as the words you described when I was counting my days to 2 years. How can it be that we're on this journey? That we've been here 2 years? The memories... The missing... I know... More tears............... I know this month is hard for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers, as always.

Kathy, What a delightful story in the midst of the tears. Your Tavian asking if you need to hold his hand. What a little man! What a big heart! My boys grew up riding 3 and 4 wheelers. Oh how they loved that! It sounds like Tavian is having an amazing vacation. You two will be talking about this for a long time--making new memories. And how our folks age, how we age after such a loss...so true. I'll never feel as young as I did when I would have my Joey around. He was the kind of person that could bring the kid out in everyone. I know my dad (Joey's PawPaw) misses that too. He's aged so much since Joey's been gone... Anyway, what a blessing it is to have such an energetic and spunky little guy to run after. I'm sure he melts a lot of hearts.

Lorri, I don't know if I've posted to you, as there have been a few new folks lately--always so sad to see others joining our ranks. Your Kourtney, such a lovely young woman. I'm so very sorry. Reasoning through the pain seems like the only thing we can do some times. You are among friends here. So glad you found BI to help along the most difficult journey of a lifetime. Love, Claudia

[lolynbo]

LIFE IS JUST SO STRANGE...IM GOING TO THE BANK TODAY TO DEPOSIT THE LIFE INSURANCE MONEY WE HAD ON KOURTNEY...SO SAD...BUT YET SO GLAD WE HAD IT..THIS IS WHAT IS CALLED BITTERSWEET....I HAVE TO TAKE HER NEW CAR AND TRADE IT IN THIS WEEK, ITS BEEN IN THE DRIVEWAY FOR 1 YR , SINCE WE ARE COMING UP ON THE YR ANNIVERSARY OF HELL WHEN THIS ALL STARTED..(THENTHE LONG 7 MONTHS IN THE HOSPITAL)..I JUST PRAY GOD GIVES ME /US STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH THIS... OH AND IM TO GO AND LOOK AT KOURTNEYS BENCH TODAY TO SEE IF I LIKE THE ART WORK, THE HEADSTONE WONT BE HERE TIL DEC JAN..

BONNIE WHERE IS THE COVE? YOU MAY HAVE SAID BUT I DIDNT FIND IT.

I AM SO THANKFUL THAT I FOUND THIS PAGE (OR WAS GUIDED TO IT) GOD KEEPS HELPING US, A LITTLE AT A TIME..

HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT AND BLESSED DAY.

LORRI L

KOURTNEYS MOMMA

KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGAL

FEB 27, 1986 TO JUNE 17, 2008

[lolynbo]

OH AND ONE MORE THING, YALL PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW BUT, IM GOING TO THE FLORIST IN NOV TO ORDER A GRAVE BLANKET, ITS NOT REALEXPENSIVE AND WILL DECORATE THEIR GRAVE FOR THE HOLIDAY. IM SURE YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM BUT FOR YALL WHO DONT, USUALLY ANY FLORIST CAN DO ONE..OK THATS ALL FOR NOW

[heartbeataway]

Kathy,

I hear good things in your voice!  Tavian has been so good for you. There's pride and love in your "voice" when you're talking about him and your adventures together.

It sounds like this trip was good for both of you!

Can't wait to see the pictures!

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

I want to hug you!  I read your posting and my heart is heavy for you. Having our son die in a state far away and then having his body taken for autopsy.  We didn't get to see him until he arrived at the funeral home.

I remember breaking down as we left the funeral home and having trouble leaving because I knew that I would never see his physical presence again. My legs had trouble walking.  I didn't want to leave him.

I also remember how cold he was when I kissed him for the last time, reminding me of the Master's clay. He molded me a perfect son.  Good-bye was hard to say!

But  I never sat by his bed watching his life slip away ........ Or, hear his labored breathing slow and then stop. I didn't have to close his eyes ....... bless your broken heart.  Or, watch as his body was taken away ....... I can only imagine.

October is a sad, trying month for some of us.  I will hold you up in my mind and my Mom's heart ....... once again we will make it through and our hearts will beat on and continue searching for the substance to fill the crater in our souls left by the soaring souls of our beloved children.

Take good care, Carol

[4everjoeysmom]

I didn't see Joey's body. Something that I still think about. I don't feel I made a wrong decision. I just think about it. I remember sitting with my son, Patrick and his dad in the consultation room of the funeral home. Our advisor is a family friend. He owns the facility. I looked him square in the eye when we began discussing bringing Joey's body from the morgue or what we wanted to do, and I asked him if I should see Joey's body. His answer... his eyes went down to his folded hands on the table, and he silently shook his head no, repeating with a very soft, verbal "no, I don't think so." Personally, I don't know if I could have survived seeing my son's body in the mangled state he was in.... I don't even know for certain how many pieces, and I never want to know. That still haunts me sometimes............. I know it shouldn't, because Joey is far removed from that body. But it makes me sad......

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

The Cove is in Gore, Virginia.  If you google,  The Cove, Gore, Virginia, it will come up.

I'm looking forward to the weekend there.

You are sweet to share you ideas with  everyone.  We have no grave.  For some reason, we had talked about it and knew that Jason didn't want it either.  He has a simple cross, made by his friends, at the top of the mountain where his ashes were spread.

Take care as you do your tasks today.

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Oh Claudia,

I don't really know the story of your son.  I believe a train was involved. My heart aches as I can only imagine what you must keep from entering your mind. 

I remember standing with my husband, looking down at Jason's lifeless body in the funeral home and thinking he's not in that body anymore.  He's soaring above us and around us and he's where we all live our lives in preparation to be. But, I loved that physical body, that representation of my only child.

There were folks that were worried about me seeing him.  Rich actually went in before me and then encouraged me to say good-bye. 

I'm glad that I did.  I think I would have more trouble accepting it as real if I hadn't.

I got to talk to him and kiss him good-bye.

I also have a friend whose husband was in a bad boat accident and he was viewed from the neck down.  There was a cover over his head.  She said that if it wasn't for one of his thumbs that had some kind of distinction, she would not know for sure that it was him.

I read these stories and I think that through all of my sadness over Jason's loss, I was able to see him and say good-bye.  That final meeting is not the one that pops into my head when I think about him though.

I find that a little blessing in the midst of the pain. 

We all have different stories and different challenges connected to our losses.

We grow through sharing our differences. I never thought about this one and what it must have been like for you.

Blessing to you!

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, Thank you... Hugs! I know it may sound kind of strange, but I am happy for everyone that has had the opportunity to say good-bye in their own special way--even though we know those good-byes are not forever. It seems like it sometimes... My physical presence good-bye with Joey occurred 3 months before he died. I cherish that moment as much as it saddens me. I know you understand... Love, Claudia

[daveydow1]

Lorrie,

Thank you for your kind words. I agree with you that you would not

want to see your beloved daughter suffer further. I often think about

how David may have ended up after the horrific accident he was in, and

how I would not want to see him suffer further, either.  His car was the

last one in a row of cars stopped at a freeway exit. An 80,000 lb. semi

came barreling down the road at 65 mph, with the driver totally oblivious

as to what was going on----he was sleeping at the wheel. The truck hit my

son's car first--literally running over it. Jaws Of Life equipment had to be

used to get to my son. The Medevac took him to the nearest trauma center,

but he died within the hour. My husband & I were out of town, so didn't get

to say goodbye. Sometimes I think it was a blessing that we weren't there

to see him like that. Your beautiful, sweet Kourtney will always be in your

heart forever. We all keep our darlings "tucked safely away" in our hearts,

and in heaven---no one  or nothing can ever hurt them again. Peace to you, friend.

      Daveysmom,  Sherry   

[daveydow1]

Carol,

I felt pain in my heart when reading your post, and your last minutes

with your beloved son, Mike.  I try visualizing myself and my husband in that

situation, and it gives me a stab of pain just think of it. No doubt, our

bodies go into a certain "numb zone" when in the midst of a tragic and

sorrowful event. Nothing can be more tragic or sorrowful than losing a

child---as we all know only too well. As I have written, My husband and I

was not there at the hospital to say goodbye to our David. We were told

later that he died in surgery without ever gaining consiousness.  It is

bittersweet ---being spared the trauma, yet missing out on saying goodbye.

He was able to be shown in an open casket, because most of his injuries were

massive internal injuries & bleeding. He was transfused with many units of blood.

 My knees went out from under me when I first saw him.  I thought I would die, but

God helped me through it.  My prayers are with you as you & your family approach

the upcoming angel day. Peace be with you, Carol.

          Daveysmom,  Sherry

 

[ericasmom]

Carol, the sitting, the watching, the breathing alongside the one that would soon stop breathing, willing your heartbeat into his, knowing the whole time that he needed to leave, he had to go. My heart with you as you relive this achingly sad time. At two years, I melted down, felt like a candle out in the sun, my body and mind melted down one morning right around Erica's anniversary date, while listening to my dear NEil Young sing, " you can't be twenty, on Sugar Mountain..." Eri was 19 when she died. Two years Sweetie, is a long time, and yet it was just yesterday, a blink of an eye, and we go there, that place where we last saw our babies and we weep. WE weep for all we will never see, and we weep for all we have seen, the joy and the pain. YOur Boy went through so much in order to leave and with so much strength of character andf courage, and that is what I see in that shining face, courage, a zest for his life, a love for his family. He staged a courageous battle and did not lose...in fact he won. He left here knowing of so much love, of so much hope and energy that he knows that he left a legacy of triumph. Illness may make our bodies weak, but that mind, that heart, that spirit lay as evidence to the joy in each day.

I sat beside my girl too as she lay dying. I listened to the change in her rhythms, to the beeps and clicks that measured her life, measured her end. I did feel and sense her to be on the rack above her head, that she had left that body...almost, and that she was waiting to be freed from the destruction that a broken crossing and a passenger train caused that night six days before she died. She blessed us all, all 110 of us that waited and said goodbye over those days, she blessed us with her grace, allowing us time to assimilate the truth while in the presence of her favorite friends and family. She somehow led us to gather in the belief that she would never be gone, never be gone from our lives. And she isn't.

Bonnie, your plans for The Pinnacle Days sound just like your Boy; beautiful. A place to gather under his sky, his music, his love and be where he loved to be and where he left this world. He will shine on you there and everywhere because he, like all of our Kids, will never be gone from your life. Deeply imbedded in your big heart, helping you step into the day with hope.

My heart to you each, my love and appreciation,

Dee

[johnnysmama]

Carol

As i read your post i was crying so hard. Your words so poignant I just wanted to hug you and make your pain go away. Your comment of closing his eyes and not sure if you were going to make it the next minute really touched my heart. I am thinking of you, Sonya and Bonnie so much this month.

 

Bonnie

I am glad you have plans for your "Pinnacle Days". It helps to have a plan to focus on-helps us get thru. I think the time traveling with your husband will be nice for the two of you-to share your memories of your beautiful boy and to just be together.

 

Claudia

I think I would have made the same choice about seeing Joey after his accident. It wouldn't have looked like him and I wouldn't want that memory.  Now you see your beautiful boy with his dazzling smile when you think of him-and thats who he was. The body is just a vessel for his soul anyways. He was already in Heaven by then.

The army flew Johnny into Cleveland airport. I had to be medicated that day. They brought him out of the belly of that plane with the flag draped on top with the police and fireman saluting. The first words spoken to me were-are you the mother? As they had to know who to hand the flag to the next day. We still have not been back to that airport-I can't. Then we went to the funeral home-just our immediate family and his best friend. It was very quiet. Johnny looked beautiful-his hair growing out a bit-it may sound morbid but he looked beautiful. Like he was sleeping. He died of head trauma but he looked perfect to me. Like he should wake up. So we said goodbye to our beautiful boy in quiet by ourselves. It is strange how we don't forget anything about those last goodbyes-the smells,the sounds. Forever etched in our hearts. Wow I dont go here much-too hard but I will never forget those moments.

 

take care all-I pray for all of us everyday. Us and our beautiful children. I get the feeling that they are together, bringing us together.

Hugs, Kay

[lolynbo]

when Kourtney died the room was full of ppl, we new on saturday she was not going to make it. so we called friends and family in (again) but she was TUFF she surprised the nurses and doctors, she held on til Tues at 10:00 am, it was a roller coaster the whole time , but her breathing got to 1 time a minute and her states slowly went down, i was afraid i wouldnt be able to touch her when she was gone...ive never touched a dead person before, but this was my baby, i had to, i needed to. and when she took her last breath, someone said is she gone, and i put my head on her little chest and i said "yes she's gone theres no heart beat" and it was almost like i was looking at everyone (they were crying) and i was just thinking shes gone, shes not suffering, now we no, we no what gods answer is, he wanted her...and he took her...i kissed her several times i wasnt afraid, i was brave, this is so unlike me, im not brave, then it hits me, am i ever going to laugh with her again, when we play photo shoot w our cell phones, am i ever going to hold her again.....i will i have my memories...and i do charish our last moments with her....she was glowing i mean literally glowing for 30 minutes until she took her last breath....she glowed because she was face to face with Jesus...

i miss you baby girl

[ericasmom]

Lolybo,

you certainly have traveled a long road, I am in awe of the statement that you are not brave, when in fact, you are brave. Very brave to sit by your daughter's side for seven months giving her hope, praying for her recovery, facing her death, and keeping your faith. I think that you are very brave. She must be very proud of you, just as you are of her. You joined your best Buddy in the fight, you were her best cheerleader, rooting for her and holding her to the end. You can't do that without being brave.

How is her husband after all of this? So young to have gone through so much. I think that it is good that you found this place so early on in your grief, another sign of courage, sharing your story with others, knowing that reaching out to others on this path is one important step in grief. May you feel your Daughter's love each day.

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Kay,

What a beautiful, sad picture I got in my mind reading your post....... the salute, the flag.

The posts re-counting our experiences have been heart breaking but I'm also realizing that I never thought about these things ....... especially when it came to you and the others here at BI.

I know what you mean about the detail.  Jason looked like my boy asleep, he didn't normally have a beard but he did when he died.  It was meticulously trimmed. His hair too had grown a little.  He normally wore it pretty short. His lips looked a little chapped.  He always carried chap stick. He was teased about his "uniform". He wore a white t-shirt and jeans.  So, that's what he had on.  I guess the autopsy marks showed and they had a blanket over him up to his arm pits.  I didn't move it or look under it.  I had a hard enough time with the fact that they did one and I didn't want to see the results. 

My husband held me as I said good-bye. I talked to him and told him how much I loved being his Mom.  I kissed his forehead.  He was so cold.  

Haven't had these memories out in a while.  I'm finding this hard to type ......

Nite all....

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

I second your words to lolybo.

Those of you who witnessed the "crossing" of your precious children and experienced the beginning of their most sacred journey have to have come away with an inner strength you never realized existed. 

My heart can only imagine .......

Bonnie

[4everjoeysmom]

Lolynbo, I always find comfort in Dee's expressions. I hope you do as well. I think you were a very brave soldier!

And Kay..speaking of soldier, I too got a huge lump in my throat (that is still there as I write this), as I read your words. I learned of the death of a soldier a few years back that I had met through a very good friend. He was just married a few months before. As I watched video of his funeral at Arlington, the carriage with his coffin, the 21 gun salute, taps being played, his wife taking hold of the flag that was presented to her--- even though I was not a relative, it sank me to my knees. I have written to his parents, and I read a lot of his dad's writings after the death of his son. Inspiring! You inspire me too! You also are a brave warrior! You may not feel like it. But you are....

[daniellemom]

Kay,

Your story of your good-bye to Johnny was so sad and beautiful and I have tears in my eyes. Thank you for sharing. One of my friends (Johnny C.) was killed in Beruit 25 years ago this month and I remember seeing the casket coming off that plane, I cry with you Kay and please know you are always in my thoughts.

Lolynbo,

Your Kourtney is so beautiful. I'm sorry for your loss. You are such a brave women!!

Dee, as always your writing is such a confort!

Bonnie, Thanks for sharing your story also.

So I will share mine. Danielle was killed in a car accident and when we got to the hospital they took us to the morg. She was covered up to her neck in a sheet and her face had some cuts on it. Her beautiful teeth were now missing a few. She had one of her eyes opened, those beautiful baby blue eyes. Some of our family told us to close the casket and not show her at the viewing because of the damage. Well my husband said no the casket would be opened and I was just there but he made the right decision. As I stood in the line for hours the only thing that got me through it all was playing with her hair. I always put a piece of Danielle's hair in my fingers and spun/turled it. She didn't like it sometimes but lots of time she would let me do it and she would fall asleep. I miss her so much.

Thank you all so very much for being here with me and knowing how I feel.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[ericasmom]

I agree with Claudia, Kay, you are a very brave soldier, and the experience of seeing your Boy's casket delivered from the belly of the plane was chilling, so very sad. I thought how hard it must have been to have the other soldier come to you and ask, are you the mother?

You will always be his mother and I know that he is smiling because of you.

And Sonya, the accident that took your beautiful girl, and the discussion of open or closed casket, things we never ever could have imagined being a decision we would need to make...I am so sorry. Is the date of her leaving now? This month?

Claudia, you had to make the difficult decision to not look at your Joe, knowing that that last look could be the one thing you remember most instead of his beautiful grin. So hard these choices we are faced with.

Bonnie, when you kissed your Boy goodbye he was hugging you, knowing that your heart was now being shattered. My thoughts and prayers will travel with you as you travel to THe Pinnacle.

It is so very hard some days, to pick up one foot and put it in front of the other...but here we all are, doing just that and more. Here we are finding ways to honor our Kids in this world. God Bless,

Dee

[daniellemom]

Dee

Yes the one year mark in this Saturday. So I'm doing all this last year at this time we were doing this, talking about this, Danielle was still here. How is Gabby doing?

Sonya

[ericasmom]

You know Sonya, I do forget, I apologize, that you are just one year out, thinking that you are reaching the second year. I know that you are feeling the anxiety that comes iwth this, the fear and panic that can come into all of this remembering and knowing that it has been the first year, when it seems 100 years without your Girl, and it seems like yesterday. I so wish I could lift you and set you down in a gentler time, but I cannot, only wish that the gentler memories one day reside more prominently over the sad ones. May you feel the care and love of Danielle, may your whole family feel her presence that is daily in their lives.

Peace,

Dee

[dansmama]

Greetings, I started to post about a month ago. I was so scattered that I couldn't even remember my username or password. Thank you that emailed me privately to let me know that they were thinking and praying for me. My 20 year old son Daniel went to heaven on July 24, 2008. He was killed instantly in a motorcycle accident. He was my only son and the baby of four. I miss him so,so very much. We have started a Griefshare group which is good and I have gone to the Compassionate Friends meetings. I don't know what I am looking for. I have found comfort in this board.

Bless you all on this journey, Marian

[daniellemom]

Marian,

What a handsome young man Dan is! His smile is beautiful! When you get ready and feel up to it. Tell us more about Dan.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[lolynbo]

DANSMOMMA,

 

IM NEW TOO, YOUR SON IS BEAUTIFUL...SO VERY HANDSOME, I AM SO SORRY YOUR HAVING TO GO ON HERE AND DEAL WITH YOUR RAW PAIN...I TOO AM RAW..KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGAL HAD HEADACHES IN EARLY NOV 08 SURGERY WAS SCHEDULED NOV 29TH, HER BRAIN TUMOR BURST NOV 15TH, SHE HAD SEVERAL STROKES AND WAS IN BED FOR 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS, AT OU MED..US TOO WE NEVER LEFT...SHE DIED JUNE 17, 2008 I THINK HER AND OUR AWESOME GOD WAS MAKING A MAJOR DECISION IF SHE STAYED HOW HER LIFE WOULD BE OR IF SHE WENT HOME WITH JESUS ALL HE COULD GIVE HER...SHE KNEW SHE WOULD NEVER BE THE KOURTNEY WE ALL KNEW, THAT WASNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER..SO SHE DECIDED TO GO QUIETLY IN THE EARLY MORNING SURROUNDED BY FAMILY AND FRIENDS....SHE HAD JUST GOT MARRIED FEB 07- 9 MONTHS BEFORE ALL THIS HAPPENED...HE IS DEVISTATED BUT GOING ON WITH HIS LIFE HE TOOK OFF HIS WEDDING RING 4 WEEKS AFTER HER DEATH...THAT TORE ME UP BUT MY HUBBY SAYS "GUYS ARE DIFFERENT"...I JUST DONT GET IT...BUT WE GO ON WITH OUR LIVES....

ITS HARD YOU JUST HANG IN THERE...PRAY ALOT...AND JUST KNOW OUR BABIES ARE SAFE IN THE BEST ARMS OF ALL...NO MORE PAIN, NO SUFFERING

LORRI L

KOURTNEYS MOMMA

[dansmama]

Thank you so much for your kind words.I know that Daniel is safe, healed and happy. Again, it's the missing of his physical being, his voice, his hugs and big smile. His friends have been around a lot and speak of him in the present tense. They came over on Sunday night on their way to another friend's house. This friend's cousin was killed in a random Los Angeles shooting over the weekend. They were telling me how great it was to know that Daniel would be in heaven to greet him. I think they are relieved to know that they have some words of comfort for this young man. We all grieve differantly. There is a memorial where Daniel died and my husband finds such comfort sitting there. I feel nothing at that spot where my son took his last breath. I want to sell his car and give away his clothes. He is wearing Daniel's clothes although they are way too big and driving his car.

I think as mother's our babies will alway be in our hearts. Here is a link to an article that was written by a family friend for the mission newsletter where he spent last four summers. He should have been there this summer, if he had gone would he still have died? I can only tell myself " Yes". That was his date to go to his heavenly Father. The article is beautiful but he was a normal young man with struggles too.

http://www.ffhm.org/articles/33,1.html

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Marian! I'm so glad you found your way to posting on BI. You are going to make a lot of UNDERSTANDING friends here. I promise!

Sorry I haven't e-mailed back yet. I do have some things I will get to you privately--things we discussed. I've been inundated with working on requirements for my husband and I to renew our visas here in Ecuador. It is a huge process..just awful. We are heading to the city tomorrow, for yet another step in the process...

Anyway, I saw you mentioned Daniel's clothes. Have you considered making or having a quilt made with some of his favorite clothes? I kept Joey's nice shirts, and plan to do that some day. I don't know... the thought of being wrapped up in a "blanket of Joey" sounds appealing to me. Right now they are in plastic...I open the bag sometimes and I think I can get a quick scent before it goes away... Oh how much, like you, I so miss my boy. It;s nice that his friends come and visit you. I hear from Joey's friends from time to time....so bittersweet.

Hugs, Claudia

[lolynbo]

SONYA,

IM SORRY BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL DANIELLE...SHE SURE HAS A AMAZING SMILE...I JUST STARE AT HER PICTURE SHE IS PRETTY...

I KNOW YOU PROBABLY SAID BUT THERE IS SADLY TO SAY, SO MANY SAD DIFFERENT STORIES..

LORRI L

KOURTNEYS MOMMA

[johnnysmama]

Marian

Your beloved Daniel is gorgeous. I am so sorry for your loss. Claudia is right-this place is so full of loving, generous and wonderful friends. They listen well and have a lot of wisdom that with their love has gotten me through some really rough paths on this journey. Type what you need to say and we will listen with our hearts open. I too lost my son at age 21 on a motorcycle that he had only owned 2 weeks. I feel your pain as he was our only son, too-we have 2 daughters also. I wish I could take your pain away but I am sad to say it is always there. It will soften though. You will smile again. You will continue on as we have discussed here out of your love and honor for your child-in their memory. Not to say it is easy, but because of everyone here it is possible for me. It sounds like you belong to some wonderful groups that will also help you a lot. We laugh and cry here, but always together, always here for each other, together.

Take care and big hugs to you,

Kay

Johnnysmama forever 1/30/86-3/12/07 

[johnnysmama]

Thank you to all my friends here for the kind words. I truly mean it when I say I couldn't get through this without you. I bear my soul and you cry with me and bear yours too. You dont care if I make you sad, too. You know my pain. You feel it too. But you lift me up, too. Don't forget that. I never will. You guys are a treasure to me.

Hang in there everybody-lets hang tight together. Us and our kids.

Love ya,

Kay

[lolynbo]

I GUESS IM JUST HURT, KOURTNEYS BEST FRIEND HAD HER BABY THE OTHER DAY...AND I JUST CANT GET OVER MY BABY IS NEVER GOING TO GET TO BE A MOMMY...SHE WAS PLANNING ON GETTING PREGANANT (I NO) CUZ I NO KOURTNEY, BUT WE DIDNT GET THAT...SOME PPL SAY "BE GLAD SHE DIDNT LEAVE A BABY BEHIND" WELL I BELIEVE IT IS BETTER TO LOVE AND LOST THEN NEVER TO LOVE AT ALL....

THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE AT THE HOSP HER BF ONLY CAME TO SEE HER 4 TIMES IN 7 MONTHS (CUZ IT WAS TOO HARD ON HER/THEM)  LIKE IT WAS A CAKE WALK FOR US....SO I HAVE NOT WENT TO SEE THE BABY....IM SURE I WILL SOMETIME BUT THAT TIME IS NOT NOW...IM PRAYING TO BE A BETTER PERSON BUT SOMETHINGS JUST GET ME...NOT ONLY DID I LOSE MY BABY GIRL I ALSO LOST MY BEST FRIEND IN JAN TO CANCER ALSO, I DIDNT GET TO GO TO HER FUNERAL BECAUSE I WOULDNT LEAVE KOURTNEY. SO I HAVE NO CLOSURE THERE EITHER..HER NAME WAS DELMA SHE WAS A HECK OF A PERSON...ONLY 44 YRS OLD..

OK IM DONE COMPLAINING..

LORRI L

KOURTNEYS MOMMA

[summergirl]

Hello to all - taking a few minutes to catch up with all of you. Wow, tears me apart to see "new members" join us on this road.

Lorri - Your Kourtney is a beautiful woman!! I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter Jessica on Feb 18, 2006 - she was 26 years old and left behind a 4 year old son Tavian, whom my husband and I have custody of so we are now 50 years old with a 6 year old!  Do not know how I would have made it through without him and this site. Jessica was my only daughter and my best friend as well - to lose her so suddenly - well there are no words to explain how that feels but no reason to as we all know to well the pain of the loss of our child. I remember when Jessica told us about the baby and we were very upset as we believed she was too young, too much to do with her life, places to go and see, so much of a future and what was she thinking having a baby??  Well, now I know that God had a plan - Jessica was a wonderful mommy for four years and now Tavian teaches us how to move on with our lives as well as many other things - he is amazing.   I can understand your feelings on not being able to go see Kourtney's best-friends baby - the pain is too new and raw now - you must take care of yourself and do what is best for you. You sound like a very strong woman and although I hate the reason that you are here with us I am happy you have found us. God Bless

Sonya - you brought tears to my eyes when you talked about playing with Daniell's hair!!  I did the same thing with Jessica - loved to twist and twirl her beautiful long hair with my fingers - she would get aggravated at me sometimes but not so much. How I miss that, little things that tear us apart.

Marian - I am so sorry for the loss of your son Daniel. You said he passed on July 24th and I was thinking how at the time you lost your son I was busy with my grief of having passed yet another birthday without my Jessica - her birthday is July 21st. Made me stop and think of how many are going through this terrible pain we are and we do not know about it - so many that have not found their way to a site like this and it breaks my heart as I feel so fortunate to have been counted among the blessed to have BI. I hope to get to know more about the new members as I catch up on postings. God Bless you.

Carol, Claudia and Bonnie - yes this trip has been so very good for me and Tavian. He is having a wonderful time experiencing life in farm land. Loving every minute with his cousins - as I write they are all playing cowboys and having a blast.   We are definitely making new memories.  I am still trying to come to grips with the fact that my parents have aged so much but they are so very happy to have us here I think it has actually improved them somewhat. Having a great time with my sister - I will miss her so when it is time to go home.  My husband is doing well, says it is awfully quiet at home and he misses us but he is fine. We talk to him each night and Tavian e-mailed him last night and his pop-pop e-mailed back - he was very excited to get mail!!!!  

Good night to all for now and I will talk to all soon.  Peace and Love, Kathy 

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, how wonderful to read so much joy in your words. I understand how you feel, though about your parents aging. Mine are too, especially my dad. I called him this morning to wish him happy birthday and couldn't even get through it all for crying. I miss my family so much. Enjoy every moment, as I'm sure you are!

Lorri, you are certainly not a bad person for feeling as you do about not being able to relate with Kourtney's friend and her baby yet. I went through similar feelings as Joey's friends keep in touch, and realizing life goes on... but Joey's is no more here. It's a hard reality to adapt to. Give yourself lots of latitude and forgiveness, because it's so very natural to go through these things and we have a tendency to feel bad about ourselves when we can't meet the level of joining in with activity and people as we used to. It will ease with a little time and you will be able to make visits and see the youngsters again without being so very sad--but even now I get melancholy, not as bad as I once did. But it happens. Go easy on yourself. Big hugs.

I'm off to the city for legal work. Check in soon... Love, Claudia

[daniellemom]

Lorri,

Danielle was killed in a single car accident on her way home from spending the night with a friend. It was Oct. 11, 2007 at 8:30 am.

Your duaghter Korutney is beautiful with her big smile. Don't push yourself to go see the baby, you will in your time be able to do that. I think some times I pushed myself to do things I knew better than to do just because that's what people expected me to do.

Kathy, Glad to hear the trip is going well with Tavian. I know playing with his cousins will be a memory that will last forever with him.

Claudia, Good luck with all the legal stuff, what fun!!

[veronicasmom]

Sonya--My daughter Veronica died 6 days after Danielle.  Her Angel Date is October 17, 2007.  A year ago today, she was probably on the phone telling me about her day.  And we probably laughed hysterically at something silly that happened.  How could I have known that she only had 9 more days left on this earth?  I will be thinking of you on the 11th and holding you close, as I also prepare myself to close this first year without my girl.  D.

[ericasmom]

D. I think that you came to this site not long after your Beautiful Daughter died. Am I right? As you ready yourself, however one does this, for the mark of one year's time since her leaving, I urge you, and Sonya to take time to take care of yourselves. It is a very traumatic time for we parents, and it seems impossible to have this be a mark of time in your lives. Birthdays, Holidays, those are the things we like to mark, but tragedy? We have gone through 5 years of marking this time, and as you see many of us struggle with what we will do to get through or move through that day. Many of us have a gathering of sorts to honor our Child, while others need to be quiet and alone on that day. There are no rules for any of this, so don't hold yourself to the expectations of others. Just please understand that we are all here, just ahead of you on this path, or just a little behind you on the path, each of us helping the next over the tough terrain if we are able. My goal in staying on this site this many years later is two-fold; I am constantly enlightened by all of you, I learn so much from each of you, and I feel our energy together at this place we share, is beyond strong. WE gather in each others' broken hearts, and we help shed light where and when we need it. Never before have i felt so understood and that is comfort to my old self. I came here about 4 months or so after Erica was killed, and I received a great deal of assistance, of great advice, and just kindness and time to tell and retell my story. I needed others to know of Eri, and I still love to tell about her, she walks with me into each day. I began to rely on this site and all of the people here before me, for my daily dose of understanding, and now I feel that I can give that as well. It is part of the healing I think, when you can turn around and let people know that times will become softer one day. And they will, but for those of you new to this life, it will take time, no way you can measure your grief on a timeline. Don't try. Be kind to yourselves...after all, that lovely Child you miss so dearly would want you to be treated very well. You are going to experience some very rough days and nights and you are going to go through some calmer times, and eventually you will even out some and find ways to honor your child through your life. You may fal into the familiar guilt thing of going through a day without tears and feeling guilty about that, or laughing one day and feeling that you shouldn't laugh...you should laugh again one day, without strings.

As you walk forward, and fall back remember to try not to be too discouraged, any steps forward are indeed forward.

Advice that we all have been given; One moment at a time, eat some protein each day, drink a lot of water, and take a vitamin or two, try very hard to get some sunlight on your face each day, get some exercise, and post often as telling your story is a great helper. Your story is very important, and writing the events of the story allow you to speak your Child's name and know that all of us will listen.

My heart and hope to all of you,

May the October dates be met with a sense of your Angels all around you.

Dee

[daveydow1]

dansmom, Marian,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Daniel. He is a very handsome

young man, and his smile just beams sunshine. These early days after

the tragedy of losing your beloved child are so very painful. I pray that

you will return here to BI and read/post .  In the meantime, please try

to take good care of yourself. The greiving process is very exhausting,

as you well know. Prayers, and love from all here at BI who will walk

with you each day.

                 Daveysmom,   Sherry

[ericasmom]

Dear Marian,

I agree with Sherri, sunshine all over the place. I just visited the site you posted, and as I wipe my tears I am reminded of the beautiful work he has given here, the way some lives will always be enhanced because he was there involved with them. Once something is given, such as time, a kind word, a shoulder to lean on, they can never be taken away and in that, his deeds will live on here for all time. And I echo Sherri, take time to rest, to eat, to do the things that will help you remain healthy in the face of so much ache. It is very easy to forget about your own health when you are devastated by this Enormous Loss.

May you see him in your dreams, and I know you will carry him everywhere you go,

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

It seems as though there has been an influx of new parents coming here to BI; it saddens me also to see new members, but I am so glad that you’ve found your way to this site.  You will find much understanding and support here.

Marion, I am so very sorry for the loss of your handsome son, Daniel.  He touched many lives in his short life with his love and generosity, and will be remembered by all of those who felt the blessing of his presence.  The joy and love he gave out will live with those he met for a very long time, and likely will be passed on to others as well.  I quote Dee:  “Once something is given, such as time, a kind word, a shoulder to lean on, they can never be taken away and in that, his deeds will live on here for all time.”   Lorri, I think I posted earlier about your sweet and beautiful daughter, Kourtney, but please know that all of us here on BI are together in welcoming you and sending you strength as you start on this journey.  When you are ready to see Kourtney’s friend’s baby, you will know it---and the baby will be richer for your presence.

D, your Veronica…I have been on this site for over a year, so likely posted to you earlier also, but please know also that I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter, Veronica.  This October marks losses for many of us, and some days the sadness clouds the bright colors of the changing season, but on others we are able to relish the glow of the beautiful autumn sun’s last warming rays before winter sets in, reminding us of the bright and warm love that lives in our hearts because of our precious children.

The pain we all feel is unlike any other, as we all know, and as Dee has said, it does soften over time, but as well it does not ever “go away.”  Also as Dee said, the days of “marking,” holidays, birthdays, angel dates, are all there and challenge us to find the strength to move through, and we all decide what is best for each of us.  Much strength has been found, and given, on this site, from all of us here.  

All of our stories of how our wonderful children passed from this earth are heartbreaking, whether they passed instantly or we knew ahead of time and had to let go over time…the heartbreak is the same.  Total and never-ending.  Claudia wrote, in a post from last year, “I have a strong faith that guides me and in that I find many, many blessings.  Yet still, there is no blessing with the perfect shape to patch the hole in my heart.”  I have kept that post to remind me to temper my quest for complete healing, as it will never happen, but that I do have many blessings to carry me through each day, and to help me to remember that I will see my son again.   I thank you, Claudia, my sweet friend, for those words of comfort and wisdom that came from your pain so early in your journey. 

Sonya:  I will be thinking of you on Saturday, and knowing and understanding the sorrow felt at that first angelversary, will be praying for your strength and comfort.  I pray also that you will feel the warmth of Danielle’s love throughout the day, even more than usual.

Cindy and Betty:  I do hope you are both doing well; I’ve noticed that we haven’t heard from you in a few days.  I do not post every day, but I try to read and “connect” as it brings me comfort to come here.

And now we have another for October, Veronica, on the 17^th.  We will all be with you in thought and prayer, D., and send strength through our hearts to you, as well.   

Kay: I too shed tears as I read through your sad and beautiful story of your goodbye to Johnny.  The pain while reading the words of all of our stories is palpable.  Bonnie, your kiss of goodbye to Jason, so painful, yet so much a part of what you had to do.  I remember holding Mike’s hand, warm at first, and refusing to let go until the warmth was replaced with the coldness of death, breaking my heart even more and I had to walk away to allow them to prepare his body to leave the house.

Thanks also to Sherry, and all the others who have so generously shared the stories of their beautiful children.  I told my husband the other night when I was reading something of Mike’s and weeping as I read, “This does not make me cry, it helps me to cry.  The tears are already there, just waiting to fall.”  I think this is the way it is when we read each other’s posts sometimes, when we are sharing something particularly sad.  And our smiles come forth when we read of some joy that one of us is experiencing.  Like Kathy, sharing the joy of her wonderful trip with Tavian that he and she will remember forever.  I read once that “sorrow shared is halved, while joy shared is doubled.”  I find that to be so true here on BI.

I want to thank all of you so very much for offering such wonderful support and caring to me as I approach Mike’s second angel date.  Your sweet words are comforting and heart warming.  While cleaning out yet more of Mike’s boxes in the preparation for our move, I came across something he wrote in the third grade, something that became such a part of his philosophy of life, that I am planning on reading it when we spread his ashes on Saturday.  I would love to share it:

“Nobody’s better than all the rest, but being me is enough to be best;

I try to care for all of the others, especially my sisters (I have no brothers).

But why am I different? what makes me “me?”  (I won’t say it’s easy as 1,2, 3.)

I am reliable, I read fantasy books, I am odd and curious,

looking in crannies and nooks.  I am a collector of many things. 

I’m not superstitious, no charms or things.

I might not be for ruling the seas, but I’ve got what it takes---I’m enough to be me.”

And he was, oh, he was.

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

Hi all -

I'm finding myself with a heavy heart as we approach Jason's Celebration of Life, Pinnacle Days.

When that happens, it's like an exhaustion that's hard to overcome. I read here but can't find the words or energy to respond.

Carol, LOVED Mike's writing.  How appropriate to read.  It will be like him talking to everyone gathered.

Just know I'm here reading and holding you all in my heart.

October is a month of memories for many of us on BI .......

Love!

Bonnie

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi All! Bonnie, warm hugs and many prayers for you as you near Jason's Pinnacle Days... Bittersweet, to say the least.

Carol, How awesome you kept that quote from last year. I'm glad you posted it again. I have come to learn (in yet another season coming and going, allowing my heart to take a new shape) that it's OK to quest for complete healing, and we should. I no longer believe that i can't be healed. But I still believe that "The Missing" will remain--sometimes and maybe often feeling like there is that part that still needs to be healed. But maybe it will be healed some day, and will be able to coincide with that missing but not necessarily equating to hopelessly broken. I know I remain broken today, and I am still on that quest. But I do carry a torch for Hope. I carry The Missing as well, and though Hope may fill me to the point of "patching me up", I will never stop missing my son as long as I live. Does that make sense?? Ah, how the seasons change...and as much, so does the hole in our heart.......

Love and blessings of peace for today and all the days to come, Claudia