Loss of an Adult Child

[daniellemom]

Dee,

Good Luck with Gabby, i will be praying for her.

Greg,

Great turnout!!  Love the t-shirts!!  And your granddaughter is beautiful and looks like her Daddy!!

 

Sonya

[heartbeataway]

Greg,

Wow!  It must do your heart good to know that this gathering is honoring Brian's life. What a testament to the good he possessed and the person he continues to be.

Everything we do to honor our children also comforts our broken hearts. I'm so happy that the day went well, the sun was shining, Greg's baby was there and Brian was remembered.

Were any cars belonging to him on display?  Just curious.

Thank you so much for sharing the day with us!

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

Gabby is being bathed in love from all parts of the world.  If there's anything she needs, I would be happy to contribute.  I agree with the consensus that out of all the teachers and places she could have been placed, she was given to you and that is not by coincidence. She's in exactly the right place with the person that will help her little spirit heal and encourage her to grow and learn and be successful.  She will learn that you can overcome life's toughest and cruelest challenges and that with love and perseverance, she will make a difference in the lives of others.

In many ways, she already has..........

She's blessed to be in your care and I have a feeling she's going to have a positive impact on all of us.

Bonnie

[mommabert]

if i done this right . this josh and me . it was the last pic we took together . the smile on my face is one i want back. nothing makes me smile like he did.he never called me mom , it was momma . mommabert

[ericasmom]

Thanks All, for the kind words about Gabby, and for the prayers...she is at lunch, her first lunch at a school, so overwhelming, but she said she wanted to go. She is charming really, so cute, dimples, and clean clothes and polite...she can write, she can spell a bit, some math/. She told me the Guardian is so nice, an dthat her house is nice. When asked if she was nervous, she said, sort of, but her voice was quaking and her little hands were too. I hooked her up with some really nice kids from my room, to take care of her to show her where to go, what to do. Unfortunately, it is raining, so no outdoor recess, staying in which is loud. So far, so good.

They call the first weeks or month of a new child's experiences(trauma children), the honeymoon period, which is when the new child is on thier best behavior in order to get the people around them to like them, and once they have your interest, they can let go of soem of the rules an let their ache and pain or upset show. Poor little one, we know she has that somewhere in her. But today she is just a little girl, new girl, and she seems happy.

Thanks Bonnie, I hope that I can give her what she needs, and Sonya, and Everyone, I have you all with me as I bend to her needs.

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Mommabert, Precious photo and memories... it's what we have to hold onto to remind us that this life offered us something so precious that we otherwise would not have known had we not been given our own gift of life. While it seems so hard to bear these days, after such heartache, try to hold onto the precious memory of that warmth Josh brought to your life. It is called love, and it will never, ever die. May the love of Josh and the Love of the Lord that created us bring you strength for each moment of each day. Love and Hugs, Claudia

[ericasmom]

Mamabert,

I whole-heartedly agree with Claudia, she knows as you do, that you will always be a Momma, you will always have a son, nothing, not even death, takes that away. Oh yes, we have lost the ultimate, but try to do as Claudia advised, hang onto the love. He will always smile on you loving you from his new place, just outside our vision.

My kids call me Momma too, hardly ever MOM. It is what I called my Momma as well.

Peace somehow,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Mommabert - Its the smiles that beam out at us from the Avatars on this site that brings much joy.  The smile, a word, a touch.......many things I miss.   Its true, the connection, the love of mother to child never ends. 

Dee - Yes the trauma child presents well in an effort not to draw negative attention.  Thankfully Gabby has an intuitive positive teacher guiding her through this new experience.   If you need anything from downunder, books, stories from a land far far away for your kids let me know......Have faith that you are the one that will bend when needed and be strong when warranted.

 Hey Mike, wondering how you are doing?  Miss you mate.  Walking the dog, wanna come?  Mum

 

 

[ericasmom]

He walked the dog with you, loving you and the pup.

[johnnysmama]

Greg

Your pictures made my heart smile. What love and support you have. Brian really brought a wonderful group of people together. His shirts are fabulous-very inspiring and honoring to Brian. The turnout looks fantastic. It is a show my son, johnny would not have missed I can tell. I am sure Brian was there, too. His daughter is darling and has gotten so tall! What a marvelous tribute. Just brillant.

Kay

 

 

 

Mommabert

I so know what you mean about the lost smile. Sometimes a smile escapes me but my heart isn't smiling. I look at pictures before losing Johnny and then after-I look so different-not as warm and looking like i hurt. And I do. My son always called me mama, too. Never mom. I miss those times-"Can i borrow 20 bucks-you know i love ya mama". I do miss that.

 

Trudi

There are no coincidences. You met her because you were supposed to. Mike wanted you to.

[summergirl]

mamabert - I to understand about the smile, I have looked at pictures of me "before" I lost my Jessica and there is such a difference between now and then. Every time I send pictures to my sister she says "you always look sad even when you are smiling". I guess it is true that a picture says a thousand words. I think my true smile comes out when I am watching Tavian discover something new or when he is sleeping and all is well with his world. 

Dee - Gabby is one lucky little girl now that she has been guided to you - what a sad life she has led and as you said you can even begin to imagine what she has seen, heard and been through in her short life. Now, she hopefully will never have to go through those times again and with you by her side she is going to grow to be a wonderful woman and always have a special connection to you.  As others here have said if there is anything I can do please let me know!!

Greg - I love every thing about the show, pictures, t-shirts, friends and family - it never ceases to amaze me by how much our children are truely loved and missed. Your grandgirl is so sweet looking and she has Brian's smile. So glad all turned out so wonderful for all.

Trudi - you were meant to meet the woman walking her son's dog and having a talk with her and again in the bakery!!!  Everything does happen for a reason and every now and then something comes along in our life so unexpectedly that it can take your breath away. I can picture the two of you sitting on a bench and talking like old friends - somehow you were meant to connect.   Yes, speaking of our child should be encouraged and so sad that so many do the opposite - when I mention Jessica's name I get the look like "here we go, Kathy is going to get sad and then bring everyone down!!!"  just because I mention Jessica's name.  They have no idea how important it is to remember, talk, feel and most of all for them to realize that my daughter lived and although she is an Angel now she still LIVED.  

The other day we had Staff Day at work which was kind of boring and kind of fun, anyway each of us had to write down what superhero we would be and what our power was - we had to make it up and then my boss would read them and we all had to guess who wrote them - we also had to put which department we worked in so it would be easier. Anyway, I am an administrator and there are five of us and I wrote that I was a Transporter and my power was to go back in the past to change the future.  Do you know that no one could figure out who wrote it!!!  When I finally had to tell them it was me everyone stopped talking and just gave me a look like "oh, we are sorry we didn't get it"!!  Just goes to show you how people truely do go on with their lives and we seem to get lost in the shadows, I do understand because I was there once myself, until I lost Jessica I had no idea how to handle others I knew who had lost someone even though thank God there were not many.  So, now I talk about Jessica when I want to and if no one wants to hear it they can say so.

Need to get Tavian ready for bed, no school tomorrow but he has to go to the babysitter as I have to work.  Peace and restful sleep to all and talk soon. Kathy

[heartbeataway]

I found this in a magazine.  It's kind of corny, but I still like it:

"I miss you more than ever before.

But I trust that God will open a door

and show me how to go on without you

To give me some hope and comfort too

For you were my life and I loved you so dear

And it breaks my heart to not have you near

But life goes on and I will too

I just wish it wouldn't go on without you"

All my love

Another one:

"May God give you for every storm a rainbow, for every tear a smile, for every care a promise, and a blessing for each trial."

Just wanted to share,

Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - Thanks for the words....How are you doing.  Hope you have been able to find a place to gather for Jason. 

Kathy - Wow, Superheros.....The Bakery is celebrating its 2nd birthday this coming weekend.  The theme for the two days is 'SUPERHEROS".   I work with a mainly vibrant and dare I say fitter younger group.  Many of the girls will be dressing as Wonder Woman or Catwoman, lyrca is involved and not really an option for me.....I thought of you and the role you play with Tavian...So I will be going as SuperGran.   Purple colours, mask to protect my actual identity.  Amazing powers of resilliance, intiuition, energy and wisdom.  The ability to recall times goneby and create memories yet to come........  Good luck with the flying, Tavian meeting his Great Grandad for the first time......surreal.

Dee - how goes Gabbi?  Hopefully the sun is out and she is finding her way with the support network of 3rd graders.

Funny, I think of each one of you here each day.  Its as though, despite the distance, you are part of an inner circle of friends.   

Off to learn how to interview for a job.  Yes I am required to continue to look for fulltime employment in an effort to return to my previous level of salary!!! 

Take Care - Trudi

[ericasmom]

I think that your idea Trudi, of superhero is grand, and I do think that all of you Grandmas and Grandpas are supreheroes. Able to pick up some of the pieces of your grandbabies lives, helping them form a sense of their Momma, or Daddy and giving them the love that floods through you to them and through you from their parent. I am in awe.

Gabby is doing okay, so cute, this morning, her second day of school, she looked at me on the playground where they all line up and said, " ms. conmy, i am tired, i am not used to getting up for school."

We are all a bit confused about her history, we know we are not getting the full story but we also know that the most important thing is this little girl who is manuevering hallways, hundreds of kids, lunch rooms, studies, bells, flourecesnt lights, and so much more for the first time. She seems happy to be with us, and yet I get the feeling that she has had some teaching. While she cannot read much, she can tell time, she can tell me sounds of some vowels, and she can play some games on the computer. She is making friends easily. She has skills, she has been around some nurturing people. I will keep you all posted, please keep sending good energy her way.

The weather here has really changed in the last two days. The trees are showing thier colors adn the chill in the air speaks of autumn. I went for a short after dinner walk this eve, most evenings, and their was the scent of fireplaces in the air. We do not have one, but I do love the smell in the night air.

Sleep my friends, and I do feel as you Trudi, that it is in you people that I feel myself most at home.

Dee

[tanmanmymagicman]

Wow, I had to print that one out; everyday I try and think of words and thoughts of how to go on because I don't have a choice;  I wish I did not have to go on without you did it for me. 

I am trying to post a picture of my son; Tanner; thank you Bonnie; I want to be part of this group; I am sad and lonely; My son is in rehab.

[tanmanmymagicman]

I meant my husband is in rehab.  He has hit bottom with the loss of our son.

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

I'm doing okay!  Today the lucky folks who got Jason's house were scheduled  to go to closing.  So, I guess it's really over .......

We are celebrating Jason's birthday at The Cove in Gore, Virginia on the weekend of October 25th.

I finished the invitation tonight ....... it's really a flyer.

The place has a website you can visit if you're so inclined:

http://www.thecovecampground.com  or just The Cove, Gore, Virginia

It's a beautiful place that Jason loved.  He died while camping there.  His ashes were spread at The Pinnacle.

We may even rent an RV and drive there.  That way we can take his dog, Jackson with us.

We will be accepting donations for ARVD/C and sending them to Johns Hopkins for their research program.  Just makes me feel like I'm contributing to one less person experiencing what we have .....

The bakery anniversary sounds like fun.  I like your idea for SuperGram and the color purple is perfect!  You'll have to make sure and get pictures for us to see.

Until later,

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Tanner's Mom,

I'm glad the words touched your heart.  I'm also glad you found us!  I wish your husband well. 

Since you're new to this particular site, you might want to introduce yourself and tell everyone about your precious son.

Try to rest ......

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Claudia,

I learned on Facebook that you had a recent birthday.  Happy Birthday sweet lady!

Hope you healed nicely from your dental surgery ........ what a way to spend a birthday!

Love!

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Tanner's Mom,

I am so very sorry that you have lost your Son, how terribly horrible, we all know. Please let us know about Tanner, about you and your Husband, and we will do our best to surround your heart and let you know that we are here to hold you as you walk this difficult walk. Of course I wish you never had a need to be here, but since you have, jplease know that you can vent, you can yell and scream here, we all get it. I live in the midwest, right outside Chicago, and lost my daughter, ERica when she was 19, 5 years ago. She lived in Kalamazoo, Michigan with my Son, Jon, and she was hit by an Amtrak at a broken crossing.

We all have different stories that have left us in the same heartbreaking steps. We do however, find our way, and eventually we find that we have strength again, and our hearts, while broken, find ways to repair in order for us to live our best lives to honor our children.

Claudia, a birthday? May you feel YOUR BOY holding you close, letting you know that he is right there with you for all time, and grateful for such a MOM.

Bonnie, your plans sound quite lovely for Jason's day. I will pray for clear skies, and a sense of goodness and peace.

Sleep well all,

Dee

[tanmanmymagicman]

Thank you Dee for caring.

I have been on here before but not much; Like I said I would like to be part of your group as I am not working these days and get to spend a lot of time on the computer;

My son is on mem.com; Tanner Houk;

he was 16; died Aug. 7, 2007 about 12 noon; he lost control of a funky truck we owned that I used to take my dogs out for runs; he should of not been driving; he is immature for his age and 2 weeks away from getting his license.

The truck rolled over several times; Tanner had a friend with him; no seatbelts were worn; they were both ejected and they said they think the truck rolled over my son as it was rolling; his friend died 4 hrs later of head injuries; Tanner died on the scene.  My life as I knew it has changed forever; AS everyone else I sure feels;

I try to appreciate everything I have and am getting better; taking meds as necessary; such a relief my husband is getting help.

I will write more later.  I am thankful for this site and for the understanding of everyone that has been through the loss of a child.

My son had just started a growing spurt and had grown 5 inches over the summer ; it hurts that he had to stop his growing Aug. 7, 2007; he was proud of how tall he was getting.  I just loved him no matter.  I will love him will all my heart, tears, panic attacks I will always keep him close.Bless EVERYONE Cindy Houk

[mikesmomrs]

Cindy:  I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son, Tanner.  I am sorry we all had to meet here at BI, but am so glad there is such a place...coming here has gotten me though many a night since we lost our son, Mike, on October 14, 2006, from brain cancer.  All of us here, walking this journey that none of us bought a ticket for, support each other, care for each other, and like Trudi said,  "it is as though, despite the distance, you are part of an inner circle of friends."  So, please, come back, tell us more about yourself, and of course, your precious Tanner.  I will visit his web stie.  Tanner may not be growing on earth any longer, but as my 9 year old grandson told me last year, "Children grow up in heaven, Nana.  They do."    I also wish your husband well in his recovery process.

Trudi, I agree about the "SuperGram" idea.  It will be precious and may inspire some of the "younger crowd" you work with  to realize that "adding years to your life does not matter, as long as you add life to your years. "  (I read that phrase somewhere a while back, and thought it was really a good sentiment to remember, especially in light of us wanting to honor our children.)   Have fun with it!

Bonnie, so glad that you have settled on a place and event for your celebration of Jason's birthday.  I know he is smiling for you.  I also love the writing you posted.  Not corny at all, at least not to any of us here, I am sure.  I will print it out for Mike's pages.

We will celebrate Mike's angel date on October 14th.  I still cannot fathom that it has been two years since I spoke with him, heard his smile, felt his presence.  He filled the room, with his wit, his charm, his impatience, his zest for life each day, even after he learned he would not live it as he had planned...one of the things he bemoaned about dying early was that he would not get to see what he looked like when he retired!   Of all the things...but, that was Mike.  Not one to sweat the big stuff, but the small stuff sometimes would keep him awake...and us, as a result!  lol!  What I wouldn't give to have that "small stuff" being worried about now...  We haven't made any definite plans yet, but have discussed spreading some of his ashes at a waterfall that he particularly loved, and the boys will want to go hiking there, as they did with their dad.  Perhaps spreading some of his ashes will help them to feel even closer to him?  Of course, Damon won't be there, as he is still too young.  Too young to remember his dad, too young to understand the ashes, or the crying...despite the plans to be happy and smiling over the wonderful life we were blessed with sharing for as long as we were.  Tears tend to live in our eyes, don't they, even when others can't see them...

Dee, I am so glad to hear that Gabby seems to be adjusting thus far, although as you said earlier, sometimes it takes a while for the other feelings to surface...I know you will continue to be there for her, and provide her with much love and understanding.   Has she been placed in an at least semi-permanent situation, so that she will have some stability by being in the same classroom for some time?  I do hope so. 

Things are finally moving ahead on our moving...no sale of the house yet, but that, especially with the current economic ballyhoo, will likely be as we feared...something we will have to walk away from, after many months of trying to sell, and paying two mortgages.  But the moving will begin this weekend, and go through October, finishing up the last weekend of Oct.  We finally got everything ready at the new house, just some minor details that we can finish up after we are in there.  We really want to get completely in there before the cold weather lands on us.  Two heating bills would now be pretty much prohibitive.  Saying good bye to our friends and neighbors, tears fall; they have been so good to us.  The day after Mike passed, our next door neighbors, wanting to "...do something, anything," came over while we were at the funeral parlor making arrangements, and gloriously decorated our side entry with pumpkins and mums and cornstalks, making everything autumnly festive, in Mike's honor.  They even left a huge bowl of halloween candy on the table by the entry, to greet those who would be visiting.  Despite our profound sadness, smiles came when we drove up and were greeted with the display, in remembrance of Mike's love of holidays, with Halloween right up there with the rest.  Sweet neighbors are such treasures! 

Tiredness settles in and takes me over, as I spent the entire day in the ER with hubby, who had a bad reaction to an antibiotic.  He is doing much better, and has been sleeping since we got home, so now I must give in to the same need.  Sleep beckons...I can't believe it, but it does!     Peace to all.

love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, Thanks so much for the belated birthday wishes. It was a nice day, as part of it I spent at the coast (where I had my dental surgeries) and the later half back home with hubby, where he gave me 45 roses--one for each year. I am recovering slowly. I caught cold as well, so that is making me feel tired. Went yesterday to the US Embassy in Quito to renew my passport--a fairly smooth process, which was a nice surprise because everything official is usually a bear here.

I'm glad you are back on BI. How did you get it to work, finally?

I think it's normal to have "yet another piece of Jason to let go of", with the close of his home to the new owners and all. Perhaps if you would have lived there, you would have been more sad... and there is always a purposeful outcome for what happens as "fate". I don't know... But it sounds like you found a wonderful alternative place for your celebration of Jason. That's wonderful! I just wish, like for all of us, we didn't have the reality of doing these things for the ultimate reason we do.

Everyone, so many posts and I've not been doing well at keeping up...

Debbie (MomGran)--I always delight in seeing your post.

Trudi--SuperGran sounds amazing and wonderful. I truly cannot think of a better superhero, other than SuperMom.

Carol--I have been thinking of you so much as I've been hearing about the mortgage and banking issues in the States. I even mentioned you to my hubby and we prayed together for you before breakfast one morning. I keep you in my prayers and know how trying this must be for you and Ralph financially. I pray that a solution will come very soon that you can be at rest and peace about.

Tanner's Mom--I am so sorry for the terrible grief and pain you feel, and that being compounded by your husband's difficulties as well. You are among some beautiful hearts here at BI, and I hope in time that you find comfort and some healing among "friends".

Dee--You never cease to be beautiful and caring towards others. This young girl is so blessed to have a caring soul such as you in her life. I pray that she too will find healing and the strength and courage to dream and reach for the stars that she never knew existed before. You are precious!!

Kathy--I wish you safety and godspeed on your journey with Tavian to see his great-grand Pop-Pop. How awesome!!

So many others have posted, and I mean not to ignore anyone. Bless you all. I pray for strength, courage, peace, wisdom, healing, light, rest, comfort and love for each one. ~Claudia

[heartbeataway]

Claudia,

I actually called our provider to ask for a new modem since the problems started after ours was replaced.

I just happened to get someone who knew what the problem was and fixed it!

The BI server was not recognizing or accepting my IP address.

Thank heavens it's fixed!  I was really missing everyone!

Hope you feel like your old self before long.

Bonnie

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi Claudia, I am confused I just don't know where to post????? Does everyone post of different sites?????

I will have to write everyone's name down and their childs name down so I can remember it all and get to know everyone.

Thank you so much everyone that have written to me and thought of me.

Also my son was 16 so not an adult yet but I like the posts there also????

So yeah alittle confused;  Bless all of you today this first day of October 2008; and remember ; something I saw in a bible store the other day;

100 years from now none of this will matter; what size house we had, how much money we had or did not have, etc.  I should of bought it ; but I am spending too much money these days buying this and that to keep myself busy.

thanks again; cindy; I will get a picture on ; I have a scanner and lots of pictures; just don't have the concentration today;.............................................

[mikesmum]

Cindy - there are many posting places within this amazing site.  They are defined for want of better words by the ages or relationship of those we have lost.  Best part, you are never alone.  You are encouraged, when you can, to share your memories of you boy.  One thing I find throughout BI, the ability to be able to share my son, my thoughts, my days, my nights openly and honestly.  I am amongst friends.

My son Mike was 31 an adult, yet I have wandered many times to other postings where I find inspiration, the journey's so similar yet so individual. 

Claudia -   Sorry about the dental surgery and cold but 45 roses, beautiful. Happy Belated Birthday. What season is it where you are?  I get confused (most days), my brother is in Vietnam where the wet season has a grip and here its Spring.

Bonnie - I am so glad you have your place for Jason. Saw the site, beautiful.  I guess this is what they call 'Gods own country'. No doubt as you gather together Jason will bring much to the day without any effort.  Hope the weather holds the last warmth of summer for you all.

Carol - Hearing so much about the 'ballyhoo' in the US.  For those not too bright in the world wide mortgage market, what exactly does 'walking away' mean?  Do you lose all equity? Sorry to hear about your other half.  A day in ER isn't quite the one on one time I guess you hoped for!  But the sleep, I there is a time when the mind and body just say enough, lie down!

Have completed the outfit for the weekend.  Purple of course the dominate 'supa' colour.  The motto, 'If anyone can Granma can'.  Not sure how original but hey.

Its early morning here.  Sun is coming up earlier each day. Muttley is sitting obidently waiting for the computer to be turned off so he and I can share our morning walk/coffee.  Ahh the simple things.

Trudi 

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Cindy, Everyone I addressed in my last post are "regulars" on this thread. It will only be a little time before you know everyone by name and by their child's name as well. There is no criteria to be "in the know" here in order to receive the loving comfort and support of each beautiful heart here on BI. I frequent this thread, the loss of teen thread on occasion, and post often on the Biblical thread under loss of a child. For each of us we visit and post where we can offer love and support, and where we can receive like love and support. You are embraced here. So if you like the connections on this thread, rather than overwhelm your already limited energies, I recommend that you just hang out here for a while. You'll get your "BI Legs" soon enough to run the course of many threads and postings. For now just do what you feel up to and do not feel self conscious about knowing everyone. We all understand, because we all here had to begin this horrible journey at some point, not knowing anyone but our grief and loss when we began. HUGS, Claudia

Trudi--many thanks!! I noticed the time stamp on your "early morning" post, which began late afternoon/early evening here. It seems you are 12 hours ahead of where I live. And the rainy season just began here over the past couple of weeks. We will be in rain until May from here. (Sigh....) Oh, I do so love Super Gran!! I think it is very original...perhaps inspired much by Super Gran herself, Kathy.

Carol, I hope it's not too forward, but I too wondered what "waking away" entails. I think I recall you talking about selling at a "fire sale" rate, under the value of the home and/or what you owe. Where will that leave you in terms of the rest? Oh dear! I am keeping you in prayer.

[summergirl]

Hello to all - 2 more days until the flight back to my home town, seeing my dad for the first time in 6 years as he was not able to travel here when Jessica passed. I am still anxious but must do what I have to do and Tavian is so excited he asks me like every other hour how much more time!!

Cindy - I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son Tanner. I lost my daughter Jessica on February 18, 2006 at the age of 26 from ARVD, very unexpected and the grief unimaginable. Jessica left behind a 4 year old son Tavian (whom I talk about alot) and my husband and I have full custody of him - so we are now grandparents as well as parents. Please come and talk whenever you can, I know the first month or so with me I just read the posts and eventually began to post myself. This site has literaly saved my life many times over. When I have felt beyond hope the people here who walk this journey along side of me save me with words of wisdom, hope, smiles, tears, fustration, pain but most of all they have saved me from giving up on myself and have taught me that life does go on, strength comes in many ways. Please know that we are all here for you anytime so come scream, yell, cry, laugh and share with all of us who walk this path we never asked to be on. God Bless you.

Trudi - the "super gran", I absolutely love it and the purple is perfect. Have to say I agree with the "lycra", not 30 any more and can't seem to keep up with the young "cat women" of this world!!  You are going to be amazing and can't wait to see a picture!! I am proud that you are going as a super gran and I am brought to tears to think that as 4everjoey's mom said "perhaps inspired much by supergran herself Kathy".   Believe me there are days when I have to be super gran - Tavian can run circles around me so some days I am 20 and some days I am 90!!!

Dee - so gald to hear that Gabby is adjusting somewhat. You are one of the most kind hearted people I know and what a wonderful teacher you are - so wish I had a teacher like you for Tavian!!

Tired tonite so need to get some rest - love and peace to all. Kathy

Thank you

[johnnysmama]

Claudia

Happy Belated Birthday! Sorry you had to have dental work-no fun.

 

Bonnie

Sounds like a wonderful plan for Jason's birthday and like a nice place to feel close to him. Sometimes it helps to have a plan and trip to focus on to get us through those tough days. It looks like it is a "Godly" sort of place-a great place to be close to your angel.

 

Trudi

Go gettem supergran!

 

Dee

Gabby sounds like an interesting and deep little soul. She probably feels so lucky to have landed in your class.

 

Carol

Sorry about your house.Soounds like you have amazing neighbors that will be your friends whether you live close by to them or not.

 

Cindy

Welcome here to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved, Tanner. Come here and post or just read if you want. You will not find a nicer, more loving and helpful group of friends than this group. They help me get through my days without my boy. They get it. How you feel, how hard it is. They are also an inspiring group with loads of wisdom. Take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself. Hope the best for your husband and can understand his anguish.

 

Kay

Johnnysmama forever~ 1/30/86-3/12/07

 

[tanmanmymagicman]

Thank You all so very much; I will be on here alot;  I need this so much; no one really knows unless they have lost a child.  We never thought it would happen to us.

Kay how did you lose your son? an accident?  He looks like all boy/man.

Be back soon and Bless all of you. 

Cindy

[ericasmom]

Hey Cindy, while we don't have many Dads here, we sure would encourage your husband to comeon and read, he may feel some bits of hope through the screen. I am happy that you are feeling the possibilities of this place in your life. I stumbled on this site one day when I wondered if there were grief websites...not knowing that there were several. I went to GROWW and this one, and have stayed with Beyond Indigo...the format is great but the people here become a family of sorts, and in that there is great comfort. Many people here have very little support among thier own family or friends, and even if they do have support, it can be difficult feeling understood by these people. So much becomes almost foreign to both us, and to them. Life as it was is gone, and so we need to learn to live differently. Some of our loved ones feel threatened by this, can't understand that we have changed due to our loss. Many expect us to go back to who we were before we lost our children...which is crazy since we can't ever go back to who we were before we ever had our children right? We perservere, even when we would rather not. There are days when looking out the window is an effort, because the seasons change as they always did, but we are different now. Eventually, we find our stride, we see ourselves in the mirror and recognize that person.  Remember on those long days and nights, grief is an exhausting experience, and that the process is a long one but one that will allow you to see the steps you have taken. Bless you as you continue.

Thanks Kay and Kathy, my new little one is trying to adjust. She is really very sweet, very cute. She is happy to play with the others and seems at this early point, to have no problems making friends. Kathy, I sure am happy that you and Tav are getting away, even though flying is not an easy thing to do. Perhaps you should wear the SuperGran outfit on the plane. You are that and more Kathy, and Jess must be so very proud.

Trudi, enjoy the spring as you walk muttley and meet new people. I picture you smiling as you go.

Claudia...45 happened 7 years ago for me, you youngster you.

SOnya, are you doing okay?

Carol, my thoughts that our banking crap will all smooth out and your house sells soon. I know the trees are changing in your neck of the woods, enjoy that.

Peace to all,

Dee

Love Dee.

[daniellemom]

Cindy,

I'm sorry about your son Tanner, but welcome to this site. I have been here almost a year now and these people are wonderful and can give you insight on some things that you might not even being dealing with at this point but will in a month and then when it happens you are like that's right my friends have told me about this. Tell us more about Tanner, when you are ready. I lost my 21 year old daughter Danielle, on October 11,2007 in a single car accident. She was my best friend and baby girl all rolled up in one.

Dee,

I'm here, reading and I sure hope Gabby will settle in to a good routinue before long. I'm back from my trip from IL it's so beautiful there. I did go to the Arch in St. Louis, and went to the top! I didn't like the ride up or down to much but I made it. It was so werid to go somewhere new without Danielle but I guess I do a lot because of Danielle because if she can't I will do it now. I'm pretty much a home body.

To everyone,

The year mark is fast approaching and I just had her birthday on the 20th of September. I can't believe it's been a year since I've talked to my baby, kissed her goodnight, said her prayers with her at night. Yes she was 21 but every night she still said her prayers with me! I miss her so much!!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[hotrod]

Dear Cindy,

I am vey new to this site and would just like to express my saddness at the loss of your wonderful son.  I have received wonderful support understanding and compassion from the caring people here .  I found it so good to feel not so alone and I come here often.  As I am new I read and get comfort  Today I thought I should contribute to welcoming you and sharing in you sorrow

 

Betty

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Must be just about time for you to take to the 'friendly skies'.  Will be thinking of you and Tavian as you embark on your 'big adventure' home to Iowa.  Remember, chew gum and most important of all 'BREATHE'. 

Betty - Welcome to this site.  It truly is a place of kindred spirits coming together with one underlying connection. 

I see your Avatar is that of a handsome young man.  Might I ask what his story is?  Please share only if you want or can. 

Our family has 5 October birthdays from my grandbabies to my own baby brother......will be away for all.  While I haven't been doing alot, its time for a break, a get away.  So off to the East Coast of Victoria/NSW for sun and surf. 

Carol and Sonya - Will be thinking of you on Danielle and Mikes angel days.......always a time of bittersweet memories.  Hope you babies surround you as I know they will giving you that strength that sees as all through the next step, the next breath.

Take Care all - C u back in a month.......

Oh yeah, will post any incriminating pictures from Beechworth went I return.....Supa Gran.

 

[daveydow1]

Cindy,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Tanner. Like everyone else

here at BI, I encourage you to come back and read/post when you feel

the need. My son, David, died 5 yrs. ago in a highway accident. We here,

have been helped, and hopefully helped others coming on the site.

Everyone knows your pain, and understands all the ups and downs that

comes with having lost a beloved child, and how it does change your life

forever.  Peace be with you.

                      Daveysmom,  Sherry 

[johnnysmama]

Hi Cindy

How are you doing today?

My son had just turned 21 while serving in the army. He was on his day off-riding his new motorcycle when he hit the back of a semi truck. he was a man/boy-always being silly and living life to the fullest. Thanks for asking.

 

 

trudi

We will miss you. i am jealous of your break-but I know you deserve and need it. It helps me to change my scenery. It sounds like a wonderful vacation for supergran.

 

Sonya

hang in there. Your story about still saying your prayers with Danielle so touched my heart. I am SURE she is still there-listening and praying with you.

 

Betty

Glad you feel welcome. Please share when you want and know we are here for you, too.

Kay

[tanmanmymagicman]

Thank you for asking how I am doing;  Again I appreciate this site!!!! I need to pass it on to some Mem. mom;s; its a site where we have our son's pictures posted;

Doing OK today; so thats good; suppose to get a massage this morning at I got there and the girl had cancelled; so alittle disappointed but things just don't bother me like they used to;  Don't sweat the small stuff; But I STAND tall now to the right stuff; no one walks on me anymore!!!!!!

My Tanner always made me worry whenever he left to go somewhere;

No fear; Him and friend were driving a golf a couple of years ago at a rodeo and someone hit them from behind and Tanner ended up under the golf cart but his friend picked it up and they ended up with bruises and scratches;  His friend to this day does not know where he got the strenght to get it off Tanner; and Tanner has always said he had saved his life;

That was not to be the same outcome Aug. 7, 2007; no one to save him;

Again; your son; and my son; they died living like it would be their last day;

I have alot of guilt over my son; and I know I am told I can't blame myself; but he was only 16.  Hope you are having a good evening;  Whatever time it is ; for you its 6:20 pm for me in Hanford, Ca.

your friend, Cindy

thank you all again for taking the time to write me.  I love it!

 

 

[mikesmomrs]

Cindy, so glad to hear that being here on BI has brought you comfort.  I don't know how I would have survived the past almost two years without the extension of love and support from all here. 

Betty:  Welcome, and please know that you will find much comfort and understanding here on this site. 

Trudi:  DO have fun on your vacation...yes, it does help sometimes to get away.  My husband and I do have tentative plans for next spring to travel west for a few weeks.  As for the trip to the ER with my hubby; no, the one on one was not the kind we would have planned, but the relief at the negative test results was more than worth the wait!

Kathy:  As you and your precious Tavian leave for your trip, know that we are all with you in spirit and sending strength for your comfort on the flight.  Jessica will be with both of you, and keeping her protective arms around you.  Have a good visit, and let us know all about it on your return!

Claudia (and others who've asked about our "short sale" and potential "walking away" from our house if it doesn't sell soon):  (Thank you,  Claudia, so much for you and your husband's prayers for our plight with our house.)  As for the terminology, please don't feel uncomfortable asking...it was all foreign to me, also, a few months ago!  First, a "short sale" is when you have an offer for the house, but it is less than what you owe on the house.  You give the offer to the bank, show them all of your records of attempts at selling the house, i.e., how long it's been on the market, how many showings, ads, etc., and ask them to allow you to sell it for what the offer is that has been made.  Depending on the bank or mortgagor, they may come after you for the difference after the sale, OR, sometimes they will put it in the conditions of sale that the price will be the final and accepted amount sought in settlement.  Otherwise, they can "sue" you for the difference, but it you prove that you don't have assets to cover it, then you are released from the obligation.  The "walk away" is basically, allowing foreclosure.  A bank is more willing to attempt a "short sale," than a foreclosure, because usually a foreclosure will cost THEM more money.  I've read that on average, a foreclosure can cost a bank or mortage company up to and over $58,000. 

And yes, Trudi, essentially you lose your equity, as we have already done, because we have reduced the house to what we owe on it, and that includes an equity loan we took out to do the remodeling and maintenance a few years ago, and then the updating for the sale.  We did not take any other money than for those purposes, even though the bank offered it to us, so that may help with our not having to come up with the difference if it is sold for less than what we owe.  All we took in equity went back into the house.  But, right now, we are facing another high cost heating season and this year it will be for two houses, and that would just not be feasible for us, and so the decision to cut our losses while we can...hoping my already broken heart can handle the stress of such an experience.  I am trying to focus on the positive side, the side that tells me that we've done all we could, and circumstances beyond our control have created this problem.  But, still, my heart aches...

So, now that you know more than you ever wanted to about short sales and foreclosures...I hope you don't "regret you asked."  (lol)

We have decided definitely that we will be completely moved by October 31st, so we will be moving over the weekend for the next four weekends.  Fun!!!  (ugh!)  Care to join us anyone?  We are excited, though, and anxious to get the new house settled before the holidays.  Whether or not we want to celebrate them, there are 6 little and one big grandkid who expect us to "carry on," and that we must do, and continue to live and celebrate as much as we can...for as we have all learned, life is short. 

Dee, thank you for your comments on my enjoying the trees here...oh, yes, they are truly beautiful, and I am enjoying every moment I can of those on our property, as well as those around us on the roadways.  I had my 10 yo grandson with me today doing errands, and it was raining, then all of a sudden, the clouds cleared and the sun was streaming through the trees (many of our streets are heavily tree-lined) and we were marveling at the dapples of sun reflecting off the water still sitting on the leaves and shining further through the trees onto the forest floor---it was truly breathtaking!  Jamie told me that when he sees the sun's rays coming through the clouds like that, he believes there is an angel spreading the clouds out so the sun can come through for us!  (and, he mentioned that "...of course Mike is an angel now, so he could be the angel doing this one, right nana?"   Sweet little innocent minds and the glory they give to simple beauty is amazing, isn't it...  And, I am so truly blessed to have these little ones to share it with, and to be able to spend an entire day with them...retirement has been such a true gift in that respect.  A friend asked me today if I still felt happy that I had retired.  My answer:  "if I woke up four times a day, I would still feel the sweetness each time of being truly on my own for the first time in my life." 

I am so glad to hear that your own little angel on earth is doing so well in her new surroundings.  We continue to pray for her smooth adjustment to her new life and that it will provide her with all the love and comfort she has so sadly missed in the past.  And she has been placed in the best of surroundings to begin this...in your loving care. 

love and peace,   carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Betty, may you feel the love of your Boy all around you today and each day, and as you go along, please feel free to ask questions and free to state how you are at the moment. I have found over the years that unbottling some of the moment's emotions, or thoughts does a world of good, made me realize how much I had been carrying. I think we do that, especially in the beginning of our grief route. We are laden with so much; guilt, sadness, legal issues, keeping others together, paying bills, sleeplessness, health issues...so sometimes we post our heart at that moment and we rant and rave because we need to, don't hold back.

Cindy, it sounds like you know how to proceed. KNowing that grief is a process is important, many feel it is something one can avoid, or go around, or simply be done with, but we know it is a process and it involves complexities beyond a life without it. The guilt unfortunately is part of this, part of parenthood really, but when we don't get to have the time with our kids that would have been natural, we have all the unspoken guilt, and the guilt for not having been able to protect them. You will be able to let some of that go as you move forward.

Sonya, I am glad that you had a good trip, and I cried at the lovliness of your praying with Danielle each day. I know she hears you and prays alongside you still.

Carol, thanks and thanks to all who have commented on my new student. She seems to be adjusting as best a little one can under these conditions. I still know very little of her life and don't ask her much at this point. She has enough to juggle and enough adults asking her questions, though I would love to know. Carol, good luck on the weekends as you move, do not over-do, not you or your husband. I love what your grand boy said, that angels pushed the clouds aside to let the sun shine through, to let your Son shine thorugh. And he does.

Peace to all and happy vacations to Trudi and Kathy

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

Jason's house went to his fiancee after he died and she let it go to foreclosure. Housing in Virginia is really expensive (or was!) We tried 4 times to buy it and it just went to settlement this week.  Every time we tried something went wrong, but the price kept going down .......

The last time if we had been lucky enough to get it, it would have been almost half of what he mortgage was ......... now that's a deal!

She never tried renting it or the rent to own option.

If I was close enough, I would be more than happy to help you move!

Take good care,

Bonnie

[daniellemom]

Carol,

I will be thinking of you on the 14th of this month, I hope you feel Mike around you with his memories and love. Danielle's death date is the 11th. I don't think we are going to do anything but try to make it through the day. Good luck with the house stuff and thanks for inlighten me on the "walk a way".

Kay and Dee,

Thanks for your comments. Danielle was a women but she always was my baby and she was OK with that she was and is the light of my life along with my other children. She was my oldest but always the baby and life of the party living each day to the fullest and she was happy and always laughing and carrying on about something.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[lolynbo]

I CANT GET KOURTNEYS PICTURE ON HERE ITS JPG BUT STILL NOT POSTING WITH MY NAME ...WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi Dee just a short reply; I doubt if my husband would ever come near this computer; Right now he is in Rehab l week and l day; he is there for 28 days; He just hit rock bottom; drinking; could not handle that Tanner would never come home; he just went crazy;

I am thankfull for our insurance company's help in getting my husband help right away.  as i posted before he will not even look at pictures of Tanner he is in such denial;  and like me has alot of guilt;  He was sure bringing me down.

Today is Friday; Bless you all; I hope to read and write more tonight; Now its back to making a list that I thought about l hr. ago.  Its the only way I can get anything done otherwise I can't stay of task or get the things done that I had planned to do tomorrow which is today.:?

Your friend Cindy; thanks again to everyone!!!!!!!

[ericasmom]

lolybo,

your girl is gorgeous, and I am sure you will be able to upload her photo as an avitar. I won't be the one to assist though,,as I have completely forgotton how to this. I am no techno person, but love email and this site. I am sorry for your loss, so much pain to learn to live with. Keep posting.

Cindy, I am sorry that your husband is in such denial, and yes, that would be very hard to deal with for you when you are trying to cope with the reality of it all. God Bless in your efforts, and in his finding some way to live in this owrld without your boy here. None of this is easy, and certainly not fair, it just is what it is.

Peace one day,

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

lolynbo, I agree with Dee. Your daughter's beautiful!

On the right top of your BI screen, click My Account button. Once there you will be able to add information, and upload your daughter's picture to an "avitar", which will then post with ever time you make a post--just like you see with so many of us. Also, the pic needs to be less that 500kb. If your JPEG is larger, you can easily resize it and save the smaller copy as a different file (so you keep the original the way it is. Then the avitar should upload--any photo you choose to upload.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Glad you found us!! ~Claudia

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi Claudia, I am just testing; I am trying so hard to post a picture ; scaning and all don't have a clue other than the help you have been.  Its so hard even looking at the picture; the lastest one I have is one of Tanner and my daughter Kayla; they were so close;

[tanmanmymagicman]

Its a mircle I got it but now its sideways and too small????????????????????

Please help; anyone????

This hurts; posting his picture with his sister;!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[4everjoeysmom]

If you are scanning, you have options to save as a larger size. Can you try that? And leave it sideways, because it is showing up the right side up on the avatar. It is somehow auto-correcting the layout. You just need it to be larger in dimensions.

[tanmanmymagicman]

Betty, did I already say "thank you" for the welcome; I am alittle overwhelmed at all the posts everywhere; but it is very good to share with everyone that that understands!!!! what you go through when you lose a child;  I am working on a picture and can't seem to get it right.  I will ask for help tomorrow from my neighbor; she has been a true friend since I lost Tanner;

Have a peacefull weekend.

Cindy , I Love you Tan;

[tanmanmymagicman]

Claudia I will have my neighbor help me tomorrow; sleep tight; don't let the bed bugs bit.  Its finally cooling down here in Hanford California; so I may sleep with the slider open tonight/ Bless you; cindy ; tanners mom