Loss of an Adult Child

[mamabets]

For mikesmomrs~ You hit IT right on the head...

IT is with us always, and IT is who we are, who we have become...

IT encompasses so many things, from dear memories, to this unexpected avalanche of emotions and raw pain, to new, even new sweet, memories...now~

As I have said so many times before...And I quote "me..."

"I would miss you all if I did not have you in my life today"

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

 

[heartbeataway]

mamabetts,

Thanks for your sweet words. I like the thought.

Jason's house is in Virginia and we live in Texas.  I wish the folks who move in all the best.

My struggle is that I was so sure that this was meant to be. I even thought I had signs that confirmed my feelings.

When we were told that the contract had gone in before ours, I was still confident that the house would be ours.  Then the call came and we were told that it didn't work out and we had the house............ followed a few days later by oops, you really didn't get it. Sorry!

I'm sad and bewildered. 

On the same day, we found out that the cabin we thought we would have for Jason's birthday celebration was rented to someone else.  So, we will not be near the lake and will not be able to do the fireworks over the lake. THEN, the band that was going to play decided  not too.  THEN, Jason's best friend who bought his Rubicon, called and he quit his job and can't keep the jeep......

I'm yelling UNCLE!

 

[ericasmom]

Hi All, I wrote last night before bed but lost my post due to my computer and so I will recap just a bit.

Bonnie, I thanked you for your sweet words, and my heart is made happy to know that my words can help ease your hard day. I agree with Carol Bonnie, that the dream was a sweet message from your Beautiful Son, letting you know it's all good, that while it hurts and it sucks, (aptly said Kay), it is really going to be fine. IT is harder to handle some things since we lost our Children, and yet other things feel minor because of the enormity of our losses. Jason's house is a tangible thing, a piece of his life that you could not only touch but immerse yourselves...and yet it is not to be...at least not now. Maybe there is good reason for that, even though it does not feel good. Maybe immersing in the home where Jason last lived would not be good for you..for whatever reason, I, like Carol, believe that the events that occur leave us in the place where we have a better chance of learning what we need to learn. I try to, though have failed on several occassions, to glean what the message is, what am I supposed to gain from this, or learn and pass on to others? There are so many variables here, but I cannot help but feel that it is like Jason's smile in your dream, it is all going to be all right.

This morning, while getting ready for school, I was thinking of your situation Bonnie, and I thought how disappointed you must feel, and confused about what direction you should now travel, as I was thinking, the radio played Eri's favorite song, one that was sung at her funeral; Three Little Birds...every little thing, is going to be all right. So the message was confirmed through the radio.

My heart,

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnnie:  I wish so much that I could pull you off this maniacal merry-go-round that you seem to be on... “My struggle is that I was so sure that this was meant to be. I even thought I had signs that confirmed my feelings”

I do know ---as likely many of us here also know---what it is like to feel that certain signs, etc., around you are pointing you in a certain direction, and/or showing you that there is approval for whatever it is you are planning or doing, and then when it doesn't turn out that way and the way it does turn out seems to be breaking your heart even more, you wonder why were you presented with all of this seeming assurance, whether it was through signs that seemed so definitive at the time, or whether it was some concrete happening that pointed you in that direction...why were you led this way, only to have it all fall out from underneath you.  It truly shakes your faith, your confidence in yourself, and makes you wonder about the things that you were finally beginning to find some comfort in.  You almost feel back to square one, and beyond.   Please remember that you are not on that “square one” alone…we are all there with you at one time or another, and we will all hold each other up until we are able to reach that next square, yet again. 

I hope so very much that things settle down for you, and that you are able to concentrate on finding other avenues to plan your celebration of the wonderful life of your precious Jason on his birthday in October.

My husband and I had---and continue to--- put our faith in the many signs that we believed Mike sent to us regarding our new house, as well as our own careful consideration of how things would work out financially regarding having the two mortgages, etc., and we actually bought the new house last December, the same month we put the one we are living in up for sale.  We both truly felt, and still do, that we were meant to be there in this particular new house, all of the signs, how everything worked out and fell into place.  We even found out the month we found the new house that my husband was entitled to receive his social security even though he could continue to work---which would allow us to continue to pay this mortgage, and the social security is in the exact amount of the mortgage!   However, 10 months later, still paying two mortgages, my faith regarding all of those signs, all of those feelings of “we are doing the right thing,” etc., is getting a little shaky, or I should say, instead of my faith getting shaky, I am very confused.  We had planned financially to go as long as through June paying both mortgages; we truly believed it would be okay, we believed we would definitely sell the house we currently live in by then, if not before.  But, here we still are, sitting behind a “for sale” sign, and I don't know why.  I don't know if I ever will know why.  We had a chance to make a few dollars on this house that we put so much time and love and work and money into, and now that is all gone...even if we do sell the house in the next few weeks, it will be for what we owe on it, nothing more.  Our plans to put some of the “profit” from the sale of our current home on the loan for the new house have gone out the window, and I keep telling myself (and hubby) that "we are not hungry, we have what we need," "things will work out, they always do," etc.  But my words are beginning to have a hollow ring now, even to me.    I have long been someone who looks at the glass as not only "half full" but as having an unending supply of whatever it takes to keep it half full.  Perhaps never "full," but always enough to keep us going.  My husband has always been a "half-empty" guy, who would even see a leak in the bottom at the same time...so our personalities have complimented each other's for over 44 years now, and kept us going.  But now, things are just so confusing and we are struggling just to hold on, to keep our faith, to keep our beliefs in line.  But, we must.  It has been our “mode of transportation” throughout the journey of our lives; it has been our stronghold.  We can't let go now. 

We remember back to living through Mike's illness, and heartbreakingly seeing his life end, and many of our friends and Mike's friends, coming together with us to talk about it all and in the sharing of our thoughts, saw many of the pieces of the puzzle fit together.  Why certain---seemingly odd at the time---things over Mike' s lifetime happened, how, and when they did, etc., and realized that they all had one thing in common; they all led him to where he was supposed to be at the time he was supposed to be there.  (His moving to California and coming back, disillusioned---so sad over it at the time, but eventually realizing that his best life was right here, his long, strictly platonic friendship with Sarah finally turning into love and marriage and giving them Damon, his job history...no matter what he tried, he always wound up for one reason or another back with this one company that truly wound up helping him so much in the end--and in retrospect, all along, his moving to a new company only months before his diagnosis---and it was that company that provided the health insurance he needed to help him battle his cancer, provided life insurance that he couldn't get anywhere else due to his seizure history, and so many, many other things, big and small, throughout his life.)  At the time all of this was happening, we all wondered "what the heck?" but even before Mike's death, we all began to realize that this was his path...and something very, very strong was keeping him on it.  One thing seemed to connect to the other. So many times he tried to bend his life into another direction, seemingly sound, good decisions, and some seemingly not so sound or good, but then something would happen that would lead him right back, back to the path that was already set for him...his destiny.  I don't believe that his "destiny" was to have brain cancer as the way to end his life, but I do believe his destiny was to live 31 years, one month and 24 days.  The "how" was just "what happened."  I know that sounds so crazy, so complex, but it really isn't crazy, and it really is pretty simple.   Profoundly sad, but also profoundly simple. 

So, I have to keep going back to that, going back to how puzzled we were when things would happen involving Mike that we just couldn't see any sense in, couldn't understand the "why?" anymore than I can understand the "why?" of anything else.   In this "going back," I've discovered that I am allowing myself to "go forward," into the next phase of our lives...the new house, downsized considerably from the fairly small one we currently have, but as always, the blessing of  “enough.”   We are coming to accept that there will be no monetary profit from the working and sweating over the house we are leaving---the “profit” will be the memories we take away with us, the knowledge that we’ve been blessed to have had it while we did, the fullness of heart we feel over the life we lived here for 17 years.   I am still not totally "calm" with it; there are still moments when I cry over it, and ask "why?" yet again.  But I know from past experiences, the why is never going to be answered, at least not on this earth---and I am learning, slowly, over time, that the “why?” doesn’t always have to be answered, that we can move forward with only the faith that drives us---and perhaps some added strength from those with us on “square one,” yet again. 

I do apologize for the length of this post, but it just seems this has all been sitting in my mind, just waiting for the door to be opened for it all to spill out.  I guess today was the day.  Thank you for “listening,” sharing, and thank you so much for your company when I find myself back on “square one.” 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, you should never apologize when you open your heart, it is in the light of your sweet self that we are bathed...your words, your faith, even if shaky, is what many people believe but have a hard time explaining...it is complex and yet it is so simple, I think is how you put it, and I agree. I feel this way too, that perhaps it was never written as to how ERi would die, but that she had a certain amount of time to be here, to make her mark, to lend her beautiful self to the world. I too feel that along the path, when I was pulling my hair out when she refused to do much in school to pass, it was perhaps something unspoken and mysterious but she was never going to need to use her high school learning, was never going to need to do well in her junior college classes, they did not hold her interest, maybe because she was not going to be here for long...who knows?

I was cleaning up my classroom a minute ago, loking for a couple of books to put in my display window, and low and behold a book fell open at my feet. It is a book entitled; PUT ON A HAPPY FACE and is filled with photos of beautific smiles and lovely quotes. Here is the one that is on the page that lay open;

Twice I lived forever in a smile. by e.e.cummings

Is that gorgeous or what? I feel that that is what we do, we lived in our lives with them, our KIDS, and now we live with our kids smiles imprinted in our minds, spirits, eyes, souls, hearts, memories...every fiber of us. And so we go on and live forever in a smile, and we are made so blessed for having that smile in us.

Somehow, and I have no idea of how, the whole house issue will work its way to smooth, to a good outcome. I feel a very positive vibe on this for you Bonnie. Carol, if the market loosens up a bit, your house will sell and I am sending positive vibes your way.

I hope that all that has taken place in so short a spate of time Bonnie, is just a temporary tornado of energy, and that when the dust settles, clarity will reign supreme. My hope to you.

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Carol and Dee,

I could read your postings all day ........ they are so full of first hand heart felt love and logic and comfort.

I am in a place where I feel the need to hibernate.  I just want to get away.

In reality and in my heart, I know that nothing that's happening right now is even slightly comparable to what we've already experienced.

It's like I told Beth (my counselor) today.  We are weary. Just plain weary.

I know in my heart that Virginia is probably not the best place for us.  It's incredibly expensive. There are personal issues that would be challenging.  Jason is NOT there.

And for us to be taking on a second mortgage would be stretching us thin, especially if we couldn't rent the house quickly.

I will probably look back at some point and say that it's good that we didn't get his house.

Beth talked to me today about defining who I am without Jason in my life. So much of what we do still centers around him and his life and death. I work with his business, we are trying to plan his birthday celebration, etc....

So many things are going wrong with the planning of his birthday that I'm doubting that it's a good idea. Maybe we should so something more low key this year.

I just miss him.  And sometimes that feeling of "missing" him is so strong my being aches.

Before he died, my husband would say, you need to plan a trip to Virginia when I would get homesick to see him. I can't plan a trip to heaven.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write your lovely words of comfort and advice.  I read everyone and I appreciate them immensely.

Bonnie

  PS -  Dee, check out our boys smile.  I will live forever with that smile .........

[summergirl]

mamabets - Thank you for allowing me my "fear of flying"!! I guess I do have to trust that the fear will pass and I can fly looking at all through the eyes of Tavian. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing but must be strong and overcome.  I know about the "freaked out" - the last time we flew as soon as we started to take off I put my head in my husbands lap, covered my ears and hummed a tune to myself so I could not hear anything!!! Sounds so silly for someone of 51 years!! But my house, my job, my husband and this town are my safe zones and getting on a plane and flying 1300 miles takes me far from the "safe zone" that I encircle myself in. Maybe it is time to step out of my safe zone, let go of the fear of "moving on a little bit more".

Carol and Dee - what can I possibly say that the both of you haven't already - the tears I cry sometimes at certain postings!!  I so believe that the way Jessica passed was not chosen but the time was, she was to live 26 years, 6 months and 18 days. I too look at the things that she did in her life, she never did like school and it was a fight to keep her going (she too would never use a high school education), she changed jobs a few times and just 5 months before she passed she found the job she loved - she had gotten a promotion just a month before she left us and was so happy and proud. The company was so good to her and I cannot begin to tell you what they did for Tavian afterwards but lets just say that he can go to college. There are many times I ask myself why I did not make her go back to her heart doctor after an episode, I remember saying to myself "well it has been over a year since she had one so I guess it is just something she and us will always live with", never imagining that we would not. I know that I cannot allow myself the pain of "what could I have done different" as it was her time and nothing I say or do will change the fact that she is gone. I sometimes ride past her apartment and remember visiting her there, all of the work she had done  to it, painting and decorating. Jessica had just bought new furniture for the livingroom and her and I went shopping for accessories - how excited she was - they delivered the furniture on Thursday and she was gone Saturday!!!!   i do know that Jessica lived a happy life, she had her down times but she lived every day, she laughed and smiled, she was a friend who was always there no matter what and she loved her son beyond words.  I still cry for her, think of what today would be like if she were here, would Tavian be different, would I!! YES, YES, YES.    But it is not to be so we go forward - TWICE I LIVED FOREVER IN A SMILE!!

Good night to all and may you sleep peacefully and dream well. Kathy

[daveydow1]

Trudi, and Mamabets,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I can honestly say that I

do not even think of the truck driver very often. I believe in my heart

that my husband and I have just  "let it go".  I'm not sure if that really

means that we have forgiven him, but for us, that's the way it has ended

up. As Mamabets said-----it does hurt when they don't even acknowledge

you. It makes it seem as though it were nothing more than a mild distraction

in their life. He may think of our son and feel badly. That, we will never know

since he never acknowledged anything to us.  For anyone who has had a

child's life wiped out by someone else's mistakes or carelessness---and then

be just ignored----It seems like it would be doing the right thing to apologize.

They are just thinking more about themselves than the victims, I think. I'm

just feeling low-down & blue today---must observe my son's birthday tomorrow

at his gravesite.  I know that each and every one here at BI knows firsthand

how painful these days are--no matter how much time passes. They are always

our angels, and always in our hearts for all time.  Peace to all my friends at BI.

                         Daveysmom,   Sherry 

[lagrangel]

Sherry,

I know those birthdays are so difficult. My prayers and thoughts are with you on Davey's special birthday.  Love, Lana

[ericasmom]

His smile Dear Bonnie, speaks volumes of his happy life, the life you gave him, and the life he gave and gives you. He is beautiful, shiny, evervescent, and he is forever your Son.

[ericasmom]

Sherry,

feeling blue and missing Davey to the core is what we all know, but you know it most right this minute because it is inevitable that you are feeling the loss as much as the joy of his birth. It is a day of greatness, his love will cast its shine on you tomorrow, no matter the weather, no matter anything, because he loves you so very much, the same way you love him.

 

Happy Birthday Dear Sweet Davey, may you lift your Momma up by her heartstrings and let her feel your loving arms around her spirit as you travel another birthday with her.

Love,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Go Kathy, you can do it, leaving your safe zone will allow you a sense of freedom within this world and your Daughter will celebrate this movement, she will take such joy in your adventure with Tavian. Chew gum, listen to music on headphones or whatever gets you through the scary parts, and listen to Tavian take wonder in the day.

Love you,

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

Sherry:  thinking of you as you travel through the day that brings so many memories to you.  I pray that the memories will be only sweet ones, onces that warm your heart and remind you only of the precious gift that is Davey. 

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, DAVEY.  PLEASE SURROUND YOUR MOM WITH LOVE AND GRACE ON THIS YOUR ANNIVERSARY OF YOUR BIRTH. 

Love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs

[mamabets]

For heartbeataway~ Danny and Jason must be whispering to you... I have no doubt... My Jackie's little Julia, Danny's niece, my grandaughter, calls Danny UNCLE...

There's a plan regarding your "move...". We just don't know what it is yet~ UGH!!!

When I say UGH, I mean the "waiting it out" process...

The feeling of uncertainy since these tragedies are so compounded..Everything is compounded and everything seems so complicated. It is so very difficult to try to find our way through the both of them..Compounded and complicated=CONFUSED!!!

As I have said so many times, before Danny's accident and since...

"What will be, already is~ Just stay tuned"

Now I say, hang on tight!!!!!

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

[mamabets]

For daveysmom~

                        HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, SWEET DAVEY!!!

 

LOVE

mamabets

[momgran]

Sherry/Daveydow

 

Thinking of you today as you remember the day you brought your sweet Davey into the world. How we remember every little detail! 

 

Wishing you peace and joyful memories.

 

Happy Birthday, Davey!

 

Off to work now and will post more later.

 

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

[mommabert]

sorry i have missed so much. went to dr. he had me do a trid mill test to rule out heat problem. ended up having heart cath done think god no blockage. still having chest pain ,dizzy spells,pannic att. i forget things alot . that scarea me the most. lose my job. but i am sure i will get another. i miss me josh so much. i have even forgotten some of my grandbabies birthdays.  well i better get before i start crying . good thought to all that i have let slip bye . please forgive me. mommabert

[heartbeataway]

HAPPY

BIRTHDAY

DAVEY !!

[align=left]Sherry,

I know today is going to be tough. I send you comfort and strength.  May his spirit soar high and shower you with love!

Bonnie

[/align]

[heartbeataway]

mommabert,

I'm sorry that you're going through a tough time. It would make Josh sad to know that you're having a rough time.

I wish you good days. Maybe talking to someone would help ease some of the anxiety you feel.

I pray you'll feel better real soon.

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Mommabert, I am sorry too that you are struggling with this right now. Forgive me for asking, but I have forgotton how long ago you lost your Boy? Do you feel something, date wise, could be triggering so much for you? I know that when I was in therapy dealing with my loss, I felt like I was forgetting so many things, and still have a very hard time sending birthday greetings in a timely way, somehow, I just can't do it. She suggested that when we are deeply sad, or depressed, or have experienced shock, we often have memory issues. It sounds like your mind and body need a way to find relaxation, to find some peace. I know that sounds stupid at this point, but really, mind and body are united, one intertwined with the other and so when one system is clogged with issues, so goes the other system. How about some help by doing some yoga or listening to some relaxing music, taking a walk, or whatever it is you do that feels good. What if you asked others around you for help, explaining that for whatever reason, you are having a very hard time right now and that you are afraid that you cannot get things done as you once did. Could someone help you compile a list of what needs to get done in a week? Could someone help you make a calendar to keep near your birthday cards and that calendar is marked with the birthdays?

We do need to remember that at our ages, we do lose some of our ability to keep things memorized, and added to that is the sadness that really interrrupts that flow of information. You may need a little help until you feel stronger, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I wish you well, I wish you a gentler day tomorrow,

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

Mommabert:  I add my empathy to the others who have posted regarding your recent problems.  It must have been very scary for you to have to go through all of that...I know, as others have said, it seems that since we have been through the loss of our child/children, our emotional strength, and it seems our physical strength sometimes, isn't what it used to be.  I have been plagued with memory problems, also, and sometimes it just drives me up a tree!  I have index cards I keep in my car, and if I think of something I need to remember, I pull over and write it down and stick it in the side of the steering wheel cover, so i will notice it when I get home.  I used to put a post-it on the dash board, but found myself getting out of the car without it...after all, it was at least two feet from my face!

I did like all of Dee's suggestions, and may incorporate some myself...handling it one step at a time, as well, keeps it from being overwhelming.   II have found my most problematic area to be my bills....keeping them paid, paying them on time, has been a constant battle.  I have reminders everywhere, but nothing seems to help.  Even a ledger.  They've gotten paid, and on time, but it is an uphill battle. 

As Dee said, sometimes we are more vulnerable, and with all the illness you've had, along with everything else, you should probably give yourself tons of credit for doing whatever you've been able to do, even if it's just getting up in the morning!

I will pray for strength for you.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

He would be 37 Friday, but to us---he will always be 31.

Sherry - Thinking of you on Daveys birthday. Mike was 31 when he left and yet while he too will remain forever 31, there are so many memories packed in those 31yrs.  Many may be hidden under the cloud of loss, just waiting for you to find the energy to revisit. 

Bonnie - I guess we do look for a sign from our children that gives us something missing in our lives.  Something that tells us they haven't completely left.  To redefine who you are without Jason, well that opens a blank page beginning with writers block.  Physically we look the same, perhaps a little worse for the weary journey.  But who I am since Mike died, well that is something that remains a mystery.  Losing him challenged my entire mum belief system and spun me off kilter........still spinning as I pass familar sites that help ground me occassionaly.

As for a sign from Jason - maybe he's saying the house isn't important, being at that particular place on his day also not important.  Being Jasons mum - now that will always be important.  It might be his way of showing you its okay to stop, slow down and just be.  The pressure of buying one property, selling another and organising his day just too much .  Perhaps you might be able to gather somewhere else that is significant for you and Jason.  Somewhere that you can all share your special 'Jason times'. 

That smile - a sign in itself............love seeing him on your posts.

Mommabert - Losing your boy has taken a physical toll.  I am glad to hear your cardiac workup was negative.   As for your memory, you are not alone.  Once able to maintain a mental calendar for mutliple things, my memory is shot.  I have a diary on my desk, a large calendar by the phone, a note book in my car and a system of reminders on mobile phone and this computer.  The irony is most times I don't know what day it is to start with!!! 

Carol - how goes the house sale?  I loved hearing about Mikes platonic relationship blossoming into love and giving him a son.  Sounds like though he was a big guy he might just have had that soft shy interior.   Mike was like that.  His first love, Lauren was a friends sister. They hung around together and when her brother was injured in a diving accident they became great support for each other.  That blossomed into a 10yr partnership. 

Mommbets - Your Danny certainly surrounds you each minute of each day.  Your strengths and energy shine here so much. 

Dee - Here is the one that is on the page that lay open; Twice I lived forever in a smile. by e.e.c**mings  Love it.  Such a sign.  Looking a the Avatar pictures on this site, the smiles brighten the day.  It is so true that the mind and body are entwined.  My body is weak and more than happy to follow my mind into nothingness!  It is hard though 'at our age' to know what is the normal physiological deterioration and what is a result of the broken heart.  So glad your trip away went so well though. 

Kathy - I had a fear of heights and flying was up there.  My kids bought me a Hot Air Balloon ride for my 50.  Fear was surpassed by numbness.  Yet once up there I was at peace.  This was the year before Mike passed.  He turned 30 and I 50 within 2 weeks.  Big events!

Travelling with Tavian you might be amazed at just how your 'fear' lessen as you see the trip through his eyes.  'A big adventure'.  Back home to Iowa.  Have memories of mum flying there in the 80's to visit her sister gone fom Aus for 40yrs.   Hopefully the planes have come along way since then. lol

To all - As Dee says I wish you a gentler day tomorrow

[johnnysmama]

Happy Birthday Davey!

 

Hope  you are wrapping your heart in his love  today, Sherry.

Kay

[ericasmom]

Dear Trudi, I agree so much, the avatar photos capture the most magnificent smiles don't they? I too receive such joy when I see the smiles of our Babies. They must grin when they see how we help each other through the muck of all of this, knowing that somehow, we will get through, older looking, yes, more forgetful, double-yes, but nevertheless, we are here. We are here for a reason and right now on a long Friday afternoon, my reasons just went home for the weekend.

On Monday, a 24th student will join our group. I just found out that a 10 year old girl is joining us on Monday and this will be her first day ever in school. NO, she was not home schooled or a child from a missionary family, which I have had in the past...she is the daughter of a heroin addict, and she has never been to school because nobody took care of her. Now she is out of her mother's reach and being cared for and on Monday, she will learn what school is about. Poor little thing.What will she think when a bell sounds and the children all get their lunches. My heart broke when I heard the little bit of her that my principal knows, and I wept. I think of our Babies,and our ache and pain since they left, and of all the children I have known that have dealt with illnesses, and the struggle they and their parents have had to endure...and then there are parents who are too addicted to put their child ahead of their addiction. Who knows what this little girl has seen? And so please pray that Little Gabby is going to thrive and that somehow, she will have the wherewithall to rise above the pain of her family. That somehow, she will take what she has experienced and make it work to help others while she begins to heal herself. Sort of like us really. We have taken our grief and our heartache, and have used it to help others in the same boat. I will pray that I have the empathy and strength to assist this child in beginning a new life. You will be with me in all I do, and Eri will be smiling on the steps this little one begins to take.

bless the children,

Dee

[johnnysmama]

Bonnie and Carol & everyone-

I feel such a kinship when I read your posts about your houses. It is like we are searching for the answer to life all the time isnt it? Why are they gone? Where do we go now? What am i supposed to be doing now? Nothing seems to fit us "just right" does it. I also have the same thoughts about the Johnny knowing he was only going to be here a short time. He operated daily on the "don't worry-be happy" saying. I am a type a personality(at least I used to be-not sure what I am now) so we went round and round until the day he died. But he had just gotten his life together that year-sound familiar? People always say"and he died just when he was doing so good". Makes me rethink that now as he died because he WAS doing good-he had completed his journey here successfully. Its the only way I can wrap my mind and my heart around why he would leave me.

 

Take care

Kay

[summergirl]

Trudi - you are a very brave soul to have went up in a hot air balloon!!! I would be numb too and I am quite sure a giant panic attack at the same time!! I certainly hope that planes have come a long ways since the 80's - howver in the 80's I probably would not have the fear I have now being much younger.  I am going to keep my mind on Tavian and as all say to me "see it through his eyes" and hopefully I will remain calm and relaxed.

Kay - same with my Jessica, seemed as though she was finally over the "disneyland dad", was dating a nice guy, great job and a little money in the bank and suddenly she was gone.  Is it truely that "she was just getting her life together" or had she always been together and I never saw it??   I guess after I lost Jessica I started thinking about all of the things she would never get to do, all of the things we would never again say to each other, all of the things about her that I took for granted never believing I would ever have to face a moment without her. As I look back now I think of all of the wonderful things she did and had in her short life time. Her strength of loving a man who decided not to love her back after Tavian was born and she moved on and raised a child by herself for 4 loving years. The tremendous amout of friends that she had - everyone I have ever met that knew Jess always said "you could know Jessica for 5 minutes or for a lifetime and you never forgot her"!! Her never ending smile, her laughter when things were tough, always and forever telling me what a great mom I was, getting in her car and driving 300 miles for a weekend because her friend needed her!!  So many wonderful memories and I would not change a thing except to have her back with us. 

mamabert - I am so sorry for the depth of pain you are feeling over the loss of your Josh. It never gets better but it does get softer with time and patience and being kind to yourself.  I am so glad that all is well with the "heart" tests.  The memory loss is something I can definitely say I know - on my last post I said Jessica had lived for 26 years, 6 months and 18 days!!!   She lived for 26 years and one month exactly - now that is something that scared me so much, how could I possibly not remember to the exact minute when my baby left!!  I go into the kitchen and have to back track to the last place I was in order to remember why I was going to the kitchen!!   I have post-it-notes on top of post-it-notes and I still can't seem to remember to bring home milk and bread until I get home!!    These things are a part of grief (also age) and it is not something to fear, but something to overcome with lots of help - big calanders, a notebook, a tape recorder, anything to help when we feel so weary from our loss. God Bless you and keep talking to all here - we can help.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVEY!!!!!!!

SMILE DOWN ON YOUR MOM AND WRAP YOUR LOVING ARMS AROUND HER, SEND HER ALL OF THE ENERGY YOU CAN!!!

Sherry - God Bless you my friend on this day of your Davey's birth. We are all thinking of you and sending hugs.

TWICE I LIVED FOREVER IN A SMILE!!!!     LOVE IT.

Goodnight to all and talk tomorrow - Kathy

[mikesmum]

Dee -   I believe people come into our lives for a purpose & I gotta say, I think Eri might have sent you a child.  I can only imagine what her she will be like given her life so far.  10, Emily is 10 in Jan it goes beyond belief that this child has been disjointed from family and community for so long. 

The addicts are lost to their families in a similar way that our children are lost to us - the difference is they still hold onto the earth, just an arms length away.  The compassion and wisdom you show us each day here Dee will no doubt place you in good stead to enable this little soul to find her way. 

Kay - many have said similar about Mike.  Just when it seemed his life was coming together he left.  Looking back at things he did and the people he touched perhaps his journey had ended when it was supposed to.  I know in the last weeks he visited many he had lost contact with, maybe a sign he was leaving. 

Kathy - Enjoy the friendly skies..........believe it or not the balloon ride wasn't half as scary as my first flight in a plane........

Beautiful days here - sunshine, warm on my face.....flowers, blossoms - Today is a good day 

[briansdad]

Tomorrow is the day for Brian's car show.It looks like a beautiful day.We also got mentioned on the radio several times.I'll send Pics when I can.

Take care ladies.

Greg

[daniellemom]

Sherry

Happy Birthday Davey!!!

 

Greg,

Good luck at the car show.

[heartbeataway]

Greg,

Our thoughts are with you today at the car show.  Looking forward to seeing the pictures.

bonnie

[mikesmomrs]

Greg:  will be thinking of you today and wishing sweet memories to accompany you.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[johnnysmama]

Greg

Look forward to seeing pictures and hope the car show brings you some comfort and memories of your beloved Brian.

 

Dee

How lucky for Gabby that she was given to you. Cant think of a more compassionate, loving teacher for her. I cant imagine NEVER being in school and being 10. Bless her heart. Keep us posted on her.

 

Kathy

Hope you have a relaxing and loving vacation with family. I am glad Tavian gets to share it with you.

 

Kay

[mommabert]

dee  it was may 8 2006   6am he was 25 . yes it is ok to ask. mommabert

[daveydow1]

To ALL my Friends here at BI,

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the birthday wishes for

Davey. Not one of my family remembered the day.   I don't

blame them----that's just the way life is.  HOWEVER, all your wishes

lifted my heart up and took away my sadness.  We here at BI are closer,

in so many ways, than we are to others nearby, because we are all on

the same journey and feel each others pain. So, thanks again for all your

heartfelt wishes for Davey's birthday. 

 

Bonnie,  The photo of your dear Jason shows how he loved life and his love

               for you, and yours for him will last forever.

 

Momabert, My heart goes out to you in the loss of your dear son Josh. So glad that

the heart cath showed no abnormality. Please take care.  Peace.

 

Dee,  May God bless the little girl, Gabby, and you and those who care for

         her.  Such a sad story---her little life so far. But bless everyone concerned

         and best wishes for success. ERi certainly must be looking down and

         smiling.

      Peace and tranquility to each & everyone of the BI family.

                           Daveysmom,  Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  This little girl has been blessed by being put under your care.  I hope she is truly excited over attending school, and not terrified of all of the newness opening up to her.  I know that you will impart much love and knowledge and kindness to her.  Eri truly had a hand in sending her your way.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[briansdad]

here are some pics I'm very sunburn but had a good day

[briansdad]

more

[briansdad]

one more

[briansdad]

one more:D

[heartbeataway]

Looks like other than the sunburn, you had a good day.  Brian's daughter is a little knock out!  I loved seeing the pictures.  Thanks for sharing!

Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Greg - in the blink of an eye Brians girl has grown so much.  The day looks spectacular.  The balloons look brilliant.  What's on the T Shirts?   Hope the sting goes out of the sunburn.  The whole day atestament to you and your son.....Trudi.

[briansdad]

Here is the front of the t-shirt

[briansdad]

here is the back

[4everjoeysmom]

SWEET T-Shirt!! Awesome photos. Beautiful Brian's Baby. A bounty of blessing and bittersweet...

Thanks for sharing Greg.

Sherry, Sorry I missed Davey's Day. I can see how much your BI family lifted you. What would we do without them, eh? My mom and dad both acknowledged Joey's passing day as it came and went. But I feel like that's a rare thing with most people. I think people remember. They just don't want to cause us pain by bringing it up. Little do they care to know how much pain we are in without even a mention.... Such a sorrowful Catch-22. I'm so glad you had support from others who understand... Peace and strength to you, Claudia

[daveydow1]

Greg,

What wonderful photos of  Brian's memorial car show. It is very heart-

warming to see them.  His little girl is a beauty for sure.  Also, the t-shirts

are so nice, and great to see all his friends and family wearing them. It

must have been a great day for you & your family and all who attended.

Peace to you.

Claudia,

Thanks for Davey's birthday wish. Yes, I agree that most people who did

remember would hesitate to mention the day---not wanting to make us

feel worse. As usual, the days leading up to the day were more stressful.

We visited his grave in privacy, and then took a nice long walk in nature

to calm and restore our spirit. It always works for us---God's nature.

Peace be with you.

                                     Daveysmom,   Sherry

[mikesmum]

People come into our lives at certain times for different reasons

I have always held with this concept.  My life has been interceded by many, not least of all those here at BI.

This past Saturday while walking the infamous Muttley I met a lady sitting in the sun with her dog.  When I commented on how good looking dog her pup was say looked up and said, "He's my sons dog.  My son died 4 yrs ago, he was 33.  He committed suicide after living with depression for many many years.  I found him and tried to resusitate him, but he was gone. I walk his dog every day twice a day. I miss him, but truly understand why he needed to go.  He wrote a book about his experience and together with my daughters we had it published'.   It was one of those moments.  She didn't know me from Eve, yet she shared her most deepest loss.

Then she asked me about Muttley.  I told her Mikes story. 

We sat for over an hour.  On Sunday I went to work at the Bakery and low and behold there she sat.  She was providing support that day for a lady who had lost a son, 31 in the past weeks.  As I looked into this woman eyes I saw myself 21 months ago.  The pain, the blank, the abyss taking all she was.  We touched base briefly both amazed at a chance meeting so soon. (hadn't told her where I worked).

One more coincidence, the book her son had Undiagnosed Up Until Now A Journey of Self Discovery by Rodney Groenhuizen was one of many I had read about a year ago.

Many things hit me this past weekend.  We do move on albeit reluctantly.  The pain the rawness finds it way to a place that it can co exist with the here and now. I know that by seeing how far I have come, one step, one breath at a time all the while holding Mike close in my heart.

I also found someone who showed me that to speak of my son, his leaving, his importance was not something I should be discouraged from, rather encouraged.  There will always be those who not having had the experience will never understand that 'getting over it' and 'time heals all wounds don't necessarily ring true'.

The imprint of losing Mike still to a point holds me down, my life in many ways still suspended from that point in time in Jan 07.  I can't allow the fact that others don't have that same imprint distance me from them. 

Deep posting -  Trudi;)   

 

[ericasmom]

You know what Trudi....Wow! WE are on a path, this path holds magic, and if we are open to the wonders of it all, and we might as well be after experiencing so much ache, we are privileged to not only assist others, but to see our own steps.

Glorious connections made of pure tenacity. We keep on keepin on. This woman looked into you and let you know her path, allowing you the same.

Peace

Greg, how wonderful that you gathered for the memorial car show, it looks like a Hit, and your Grandgirl is growing in the love of all of you and your dear Son.

Dee

[daveydow1]

Trudi,

I agree---things do happen for a reason. Your meeting with this woman

walking her dog, and again at the bakery seems like a coincidence.....but

maybe not. Who knows how our wonderful angels are able to work. Your

dear Mike's light will be shining down on you with love. The pain does find a

way to get to a place where it can live with the present day life. Getting

there is never easy---that's for certain, but as we slog along this weary

journey, we somehow coexist with our loss.  God knows, it's never easy.

 Be kind to yourself,and take care. Peace to you.

                          Daveysmom,   Sherry  

[ericasmom]

Sherri,

thanks for the encouraging words of hope, I sure do pray that this little girl, Gabby, is able to live in the light of care now instead of addiction and sickness. It makes my heart hurt to think of what she has seen, what she has known, and how then, do we help her still be a child?

I will take your prayers and put them to use.

Love,

Dee

[briansdad]

One last pic