Loss of an Adult Child

[mamabets]

[align=center]~HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR DANIELLE~[/align]

[align=center]You are in the arms of so many angels, here, there and everywhere..[/align]

[align=center]LOVE,[/align]

[align=center]Mamabets and Angel Danny[/align]

[julsmom]

Kay, thank you for asking.  October 13 will mark 5 yrs.  I’m just having a very rough time right now.  I have been “strong” for so long, but right now I don’t want to be.  Julie died in a one car accident, she was traveling from western Pennsylvania to her home on Long Island.  She was going to spend the night with her Dad and me because at the time we lived in NJ.  The accident happened in eastern Pennsylvania.  I am sorry for the lost of your son.  Please know while it doesn’t really get “better” it does get different and we must continue on in some fashion.  And I know that there will be good days again and I won’t just dissolve into tears.  May we all find peace and comfort on this journey, Lynda

[mamabets]

For julsmom~ Oh, Lynda...To see you here again, reaching out, brings such bittersweet memories. I am so glad you are here...I am so sad as to why...

You are right. It doesn't get easier, it does get different. We feel, at times, that we must be getting "better", because a day made up of hours seems "better..."

It just gets softer...The sweet, dear memories are, I believe, on a mission to take over the sad ones... Although, in the process, there are just times...period...when nothing but loneliness robs us of any and all peace.

I do know that this life, here, will never, ever, ever be able to do to our angels what it has done to us. For that, I am peaceful and grateful that my Danny is where he is...I  know where he is, and I know that he is in awe of all of the magic that surrounds him. That keeps me sane.....

Danny did not die..I did, yet my heart beats strongly, still, so I listen to it and follow, knowing that Danny lives on....

He will be 30 years young on October 31...I remember my 30th like it was yesterday..... I am weary to the bone, but I do still love to laugh...This makes Danny happy, and when the floods of tears come, I do know that they will pass.

Please take care and know that we are all here for you~

LOVE

mamabets 

[heartbeataway]

Hello!  I've missed you!!

[align=left]We had to replace our router and after that, I couldn't access the site anymore.  I tried everything.  I called our company, they told me it was a computer problem so I called Apple. They told me they thought the problem was with the BI server so I emailed Dawn.

Claudia and Mike tried to help. (Thank you lovely people!)

So, today I was calling our internet provider to request that our server be replaced and just happened to get someone who knew what the problem was and he fixed it!

It had something to do with our new IP address and BI's server not liking it ....... doesn't matter now, I'm back!!

I need to play a little catch up .....

Sonya,

  I'm wishing Danielle a Happy Birthday and sending strength your way.  She's going to continue to have birthdays and you're going to miss her on each one of them while feeling her special spirit around you.  We celebrate her life with you!  Blessings!

Kathy,

My condolences on the loss of your father-in-law.

My sympathy and warmest regards are with you and your family.

Prayers!

Marian,

I am so sorry for your loss. Daniel is a beautiful name.  You happened onto the right place. Pour out your heart with your keyboard, we will listen with our eyes and respond with our hearts.

Strength!

Sarah's Mom,

I'm sorry for your loss.  You and I have the loss of our only child in common.  August 2nd?  You are so new to this journey!  I remember those days ..... the pain will soften.  Trust me, it will.

It's been almost 17 months since our son died very suddenly and expectantly. I still have bad times, I still cry.  I still think of him first thing in the morning and he's my last thought before I go to sleep. Allow yourself to grieve. Grieve out loud or grieve in a closet. But allow yourself to grieve.  Tears?  You will never run out!

Deep breaths and baby steps ....

Hold on tight!

Greg,

September .....  we will hold you up and send you strength in our warmest thoughts and prayers.

I listened to the song, God Only Grieves For the Living by Diamond Rio.  Thank you for sharing it. 

Do you have anything planned?

Love!

My last postings dealt with our (my) desire to buy our son's home in Virginia.  We had submitted an offer but another buyer beat us to the punch.  Then they're financing fell through and it came back on the market.  We submitted another offer and my heart broke when I found out that again, another buyer beat us to the punch.

Well, the story goes on........

The realtor selling the house called our realtor and said she didn't think the deal would go through.  The buyer was being extremely difficult. She wanted to know if we would still be interested. We are!  Then she called back and said that if we submit an offer the house would be ours.  So, we submitted our third offer.

Now we find out that the last offer was rejected because the seller (the bank) will not make the repairs the buyer wanted.  The buyer has so many days to decide if they will accept the house without the repairs.  So, we wait ....... and pray that the buyer will move on to another home and then our offer will be reviewed.

This has been an absolute roller coaster!  I still feel in my heart that we will get his house.  I just want to get on with it and end this waiting!

Wish us well!

I've really missed you guys!  It's so good to be back!

Love!

Bonnie, Jason'sMom

[/align]

[heartbeataway]

This is Jason's house. He built the fence around the backyard, he built the workbench and shelves in the garage. We sat on the back porch and talked. I can still hear his boots on the steps as he came down in the morning.

I'm praying we hear good news soon.

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, what better way to know your back than to hear/see you yell it loud and clear. I am so happy that you are out there staking your claim and holding out hope. Hope , whether it goes our way or does not, reminds us that we are alive, and that we have ideas that involve moving forward. I will hpe and pray that the house becomes your home.

So glad to see you are back, I have missed you.

Love,

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie, so happy to see your post again...I empathize with your roller coaster ride regarding Jason's house.  Has anyone thought to speak to the other buyer and explain why you want the house?  I know this may sound rediculous, and there may even be legal reasons for it not being able to be done, but if I were buying a house,  and someone came to tell me that the previous owner's parents wanted to buy the house and the reasons why, I would have to back down and allow it to happen.  I do pray that you are able to go forward with it and the "roller coaster" ends soon.

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[bbarbie55]

Hi its been awhile but I'm still hangin in there. I want to thank mamabets for her post on my daughters web site it means alot to me I don't feel like I'm on this dark path alone. After not seeing my grandson for six months I now get him every day again. Its bittersweet with him around because I see so much of Bobbi in him at that age. Its been almost a year and half since I lost her but I still remember that last day in the hospital her unconscious and burning up with fever and there was nothing I could do. I just wished I could have traded places with her so she could have watched her son grow up. But shes not here so I will do my best for him and keep reminding him of his mother. I'm a little down today for no reason really I guess its time of the year. Here is her website again:http://www.freewebs.com/kilalita/index.htm

Deb

[heartbeataway]

Deb, I'm so sorry for your loss. Bobbi is a beautiful girl and after visiting the website she was a courageous person with a big heart.

Our journeys are almost the same length. We lost our son April 28th, 2007.

We strive to make him proud.  We don't know what else to do.

This is such a great place to gather and find solace when the spirits are low and the grief overwhelming. 

Hope you have a "high spirits" day.

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Hope , whether it goes our way or does not, reminds us that we are alive, and that we have ideas that involve moving forward.

Dee,

I love this statement.  Hopefully, we will get good news today.  And if not, we will come up with another idea ......

I missed you too!

Have a sweet Monday......

Bonnie

[daniellemom]

Carol, Dee, Trish, Lana, Kay, Manabets, Bonnie and everyone,

Thank you so much for the birthday wishes. We had a balloon release at the time of her birth. 2:30 on the 20th. I remember I always called her at 2:30 every year no matter where she was and told her happy birthday. I would get her out of class to sing happy birthday at 2:30 so again this year at 2:30 I sang happy birthday to her and sent up pink and purple balloon in her honor. Thank you so much for all your kind words.

Bonnie - Good luck with the house. I agree with Carol to see if you can talk with the buyers.

Kay - Good luck in school I really don't see how you can do that. I know in Mattie's class last year she only had 14 students and I thought that was a lot.

[ericasmom]

Deb,

feeling blue for no reason is a common ailment with us, one thing to consider...it is the first day of autumn, a change in season is often enough for we who miss our Babies, to feel saddened by. Another season without Eri is how it hit me years ago when this was still new as it is for you. It will soften, but there are some seasonal changes that unhinge me without any warning whatsoever. Now, as the seasons change, I look to Eri and say,"i remember when...." I let her know of my memories in that particular season. Walking in the crunchy leaves on the way to school when she was little, apple picking, baking apple pies, going to the zoo every Thanksgiving morning while the turkey began its stint in the oven...so many dear memories, and under the blue skies of September they can both make me weep and make me laugh out loud. Your situation sounds a lot like Kathy's, raising your grandchild., bittersweet indeed.

Kay, you have way many kids in your room, are there any parents that you would want in there and that are available to assist? I know our Kindergarten teachers are having a hard time as they take 28 kids to the bathroom...trying to do anything is hard. I wish you the strengt of 10 women and the sense of humor of even more. Sainthood awaits.

I am praying bonnie, good news for you.

Peace All,

Dee

[daniellemom]

Dee,

I'm leaving for IL on Thursday night how far are you from Carlinville, IL. I'm going to visit my sister and I was just wondering how near you are to her?

Sonya

[daveydow1]

Hello all,

Haven't been on BI for awhile----no electric for a few days. Glad to be back.

 

     HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SWEET DANIELLE !

 

Am so sorry for all who are coming up to birthdays and angel days. I, too

am feeling sad-----my dear Davey's birthday will be Fri. Sept. 26. He will

be always young, as will all of your angels. May they all look down on us

as we journey on.  Peace to all.

                     Daveysmom,   Sherry  

[daniellemom]

Sherry,

Thank you so much! I will be thinking of you on the 26th! I hope your thoughts and memories of Davey will be with you more on the 26th and the days leading up to September 26!

Sonya

[ericasmom]

Sonya, I have no idea where Carlinville is, I have never heard of it. Carpentersville is not too far, but the other is a mystery to me. Is she near to Chicago? I am just 10 miles west of Chicago. Are you there for a fun visit I hope? Where are you Sonya, state and city?

I am so glad that you sent balloons on Danielle's day, at her time, 2:30. The magic of that time, that moment, will always rest inside you as the most wonderful moment. God bless you.

Dee

[daniellemom]

Dee,

I live close to Burlington, NC. My sister moved to Carlinville last year so we are going for a visit. I know it's about 4 hours from Chicago. She lives near St. Louis. I just thought if I were going to be near you I couldn't do that without looking you up. '

Sonya

[ericasmom]

I just looked up your sister's town, it is near St. Louis, so pretty far from me. I think it would be amazing to meet you and all of our Buddies here. I wish you a lovely visit. Are you driving? You might very well see some autumn colors.

My heart,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Hey Bonnie welcome back.  The house looks brilliant. It really is a home.  I agree with Carol, if you add the special side of your offer it might just swing it.  Fingers crossed for a soft landing from the rollercoaster.

Sherry - will be thinking of you on Davey's day.  Another special time in our lives, the minute we became someones mum.  That never ever changes.  Hope the power outages are passed now.

Bobbi - great to see you.  The site is amazing isn't it.  I love the "Anyone that believes Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth, has clearly never been to chemotherapy" quote.  So apt. The colour violet, strong vibrant, a perfect choice. Was so pleased to hear your grandbaby is back with you. 

Tomorrow is Harmony's 3rd birthday.  It will be just short of two years since I saw her.  There is no sign of her mum even considering us being part of Harmony's life.

Each Birthday Easter Christmas we send her a gift pack.  Here we keep our charm bracelet made specially for her.  The charms are bought by her Uncle Steve, Aunty Melissa and of course Granma for special days.   So far we have a fairy, a guitar, a heart and we are looking for M and H.  Its kept with a journal for her so that when she grows she will know that she has always been part of us.

Kathy - don't know how you do it.  Have two grandbabies for 6 days no sleep, busy busy busy.  Tavian most definitely could be acting out.....think about how lost and confused we get at times and see it through the eyes of a 6 year old.....mind boggling.  Hope the camping went well.  

Sonya - It would be so great to catch up with everyone here.  This site provides me with the extended 'support friends' that have been with me throughout this journey.

Kelly has a thread Beyond Indigo Reunion that might bear looking into. 

The picture is Harmony's birthday parcel.  The bracelet is around the bear but will not be sent.  The picture book has many pop up pages, something she loved.  

Take Care all. 

 

[summergirl]

Hello to all - back from camping yesterday - beautiful weather in the high 70's and lots of sunshine. Tavian had a great time riding his bike but mostly fishing - he caught 12 snappers and by the look on his face you would have thought he caught a 30 pound fish!! I cooked one of them for his dinner last night as the motto around here is "if youcatch it you have to eat it or throw it back" so anyway I gave him his plate and he took one tiny bite and said "mi-mi, I think I want to keep my fish for bait" - I had to laugh as I know he wouldn't eat it but at least he tried. I sang a little song to him that made him laugh "fishy, fishy in the brook, Tavian catch him with a hook, mi-mi fry him in a pan and Tavian eat him like a man" - it was nice to see him happy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANIELL - SOAR HIGH AMONG THE STARS!!

Kay - thank you so much for your kind words. Tavian had a good weekend and a good day at school today. I know how hard it is for him to express his anger and fustrations, being 6 and having so much on his little shoulders is so tough on him so we do all that we can to help him along. His teacher is very good, she has has made a little chart that she sends home each day - if it is a good day he gets a smiley face and a sad one if not so good - he seems to get the concept so we will see how it goes - a smiley face today. Will see what the therapist thinks this week.

Trudi - How do I do it?? well, I remember when Jessica was here with us and we would take Tavian for a weekend and by Sunday I was soooooo ready for him to go home to mommy - I would be exhausted!! That was when I could just be mi-mi and what ever we wanted to do we did, ice cream at midnight, movies, pop corn, no set bed time, just fun, fun, fun. Well now we are mi-mi/mommy amd pop-pop/daddy and we have to raise him as we did Jessica - he is such an extension of her and we are so blessed to have him with us. This is his home now, there is no "taking him home" anymore although I get very weary at times. I am so used to him being here now that it is diffacult when he goes to his other grandmothers although I do get some rest. I guess it is like asking why Jessica and all of our children were taken from us, how do we deal with it - we struggle each day but as time goes on it gets softer - same with Tavian, it is a struggle but gets easier as time goes on - Now ask me that question when he is 15 and I might have another answer!! Ha

Is anyone out there afraid to fly?  I am supposed to fly out to see my family with Tavian on the 4thof October and I am terrified!! I hate the thought of flying and am thinking of canceling my flights!! What to do.

Tavian is yelling for me so I must say good night. Will talk tomorrow night - Love to all and miss you guys so much. kathy

[heartbeataway]

Kathy - For what it's worth, flying is safer than driving.  It's true!  Tavian will love it!

Make sure you have some gum for him in case his ears bother him when you

take off or land.

I wouldn't cancel my trip. It's like anything else.  The more you do it, the less afraid you'll be.

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

I agree with Bonnie, I flew this weekend with my husband, my son, and his girl. My son and I are both chicken fliers, while my husband and Jonathan's girlfriend are fine. Besides being a chicken on a plane, I get extremely ill on planes, trains, and you name it, so I take Dramamine. The big drawback being that even the less-drowsy formula knocks me down for two days. I am extremely tired the day of flying, and still tired, like a hang-over the next day. I guess my system simply doesn't get rid of it. Better than throwing up however, which I have done on every mode of transportation in my life. Anyhow, if you fly, you do become more acclamated to it, feeling the benefits rather than the worries. Being somewhere far from home in a matter of hours instead of a day of driving is nice. My Son took a relaxer to fly to Boston, but did not take anything on the way home. I will say that I am so very glad we all got away together, it felt great and the wedding we attended was lovely.

thinking of you all,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Would you believe the life saving Intensive Care Paramedic is terrified of flying.  We flew to Tasmania, one hour in the sky and even then it was Travel Calm and snooze.  Me, well I searched the clouds for Mike!

We are flying to Europe next March and I think Mal has already started stockpiling his travel meds!!

Travelling with grandbabies, well that makes it a different proposition.  Take the gum for the popping ears and see the trip through the eyes of one so young!

Snoozing later.......take care all....

[daniellemom]

Kathy,

Thank you so much for the birthday wishes for Danielle.

I also hate to fly, I'm flying out to IL on Friday morning with my 6 year old, it's her first flight. I hope she likes it. I'm just glad it just a 2 hour flight. Thanks Bonnie for telling Kathy about the gum. I will have to pick up some for Mattie.

Sonya

[heartbeataway]

We did NOT get Jason's house ..........  we were told last Thursday that we had it. Then we were told that they made a mistake and the buyer had so many days to accept the counter.  The buyer accepted the counter on Friday but no one bothered to tell our realtor until late yesterday afternoon.

We are more than disappointed ........

Bonnie

[daniellemom]

Bonnie

I'm so very sorry that you didn't get the house.

Sonya

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie, I am so very, very sorry, I can only imagine how you feel.  I wish I could be there to comfort you, to let you vent, but even then you may not be ready to do that.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers for comfort and understanding. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, I am so sorry that you are feeling this disappointment. My heart is feeling a measure of your sadness, the way you were built up to almost believe, and then to be let down.

I wish I could change it, wish so many things right now, but I go back to that saying thatsys; we are exactly where we are supposed to be...seems ridiculous to think that we are supposed to be in this pain but perhaps what awaits around the next corner is the reason that this is not working the way you want.

I guess I hold out hope for that saying to be true, but I sure know that we are faced with a great many mountains to cross and this is another one.

Love,

Dee

[johnnysmama]

Bonnie

That sucks  I am so sorry. Before losing our children we could take another disappointment in stride-maybe not happy about it but we could move on . Now, every disappointment makes me question my abilities to move on. Not fair. Know I am thinking about you feeling your pain.

Kay

[daveydow1]

Sonya,

Thanks for the birthday wishes for Davey. Although his birthday is not

until Fri. 9/26 , I can already feel those nagging low-down feelings

lurking around in my heart. He would be 37 Friday, but to us---he will

always be 31.  I know that you and every parent here knows that pain.

I'm saying a prayer that ALL our angels with 'little white souls' are happy

and carefree in their heavenly eternal life.  Peace.

   Daveysmom,  Sherry

[summergirl]

Carol - I am so sorry about the house. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling, beyond dissapointed, and WHY??   I so agree with what Kay said "before losing our children we could take dissapointment in stride although not always happy about it, but now every dissapointment makes me question my abilities to move on"!!!  What more can I say except there seems to be a reason for everything and although we cannot get answers to the ones we want the most we find a way to keep going, we struggle so hard sometimes it is unbearable yet we "always find a way".  I am truely sorry for you and am sending you big hugs.

Thank you all for your replies to my "fear of flying" - I know that is silly but nothing I seem to tell myself eases my fear. Tavian is so excited and I can not let him know how much I hate it so I have to be strong. I do have pills that the doctor gave me that relaxes me, just calms my down but does not stop the fear. I have not been home since my brother passed away in 2002!! My sister cried for an hour and my mom and dad are not healthy enough to travel so I guess it is up to me. I think part of the reason is I am leaving my "safe zone", Barry is not going and I need his strength, my house is where I feel safe!! Quite silly I know but I have only traveled once without Barry and that is when Jessica and I flew to Iowa in September of 2000, it was so funny because she loved it and I hated it and she would look at me and say "mom, stop being so scared, this is fun!!!" - I did not think so.  I have flown to the Dominican Republic in 2005 and again 2007 but again Barry was with me. Also, I have to fly from New York to Chicago and then from there to Des Moines. It is about 2 hours and 50 minutes and then about 55 minutes from Chicago to Des Moines - wish it was straight through but alot of business people fly from here to Chicago. Anyway, enough about me flying!!

Tavian needs to go to bed so I will say good night and talk to all tomorrow.

Peace and Love, Kathy

[heartbeataway]

Thanks for the sweet understanding about the house ......

I just was so sure that it was destined to be ours.  That Jason wanted it to be ours.

I've had very few dreams that Jason has been in but, I did have one last night.  He was driving away and I stood there with my hands on my hips.  He turned and pulled back around and rolled the window down.  I kissed him on the check, told him good-bye.  He smiled and pulled away.

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie:  Your dream truly blew me away...especially in conjunction with your news about the house...it was almost as if Jason were telling you it was okay...I am certainly not a dream analyst, but if it were my dream, I would take the "hands on my hips" as the consternation you feel over not getting the house, and the returning of Jason to kiss you goodbye as his way of saying "it's okay mom.  there will be other things to come."   I know the pain of losing the house is so new and raw right now, likely too painful right now to see any other course in your life as being something that would be right for you.  I tend to agree with Dee though; I think that throughout our lives we are "exactly where we are supposed to be," even though this painful road we who have lost a child are traveling does not make much sense to us at the time.   

The death of my son makes no sense whatsover to me, and the sense of loss is with me with every breath I take, but yet I still tend to believe that things happenrd the way they were supposed to.  I know that sounds crazy, and surely I would love to have our son back, walking through the door, following his great red beard through the house, yelling about something or other, bursting through the silence that was there before he entered.  But such is not to be, and while the pain is great, too great some times, I must sit with it, and live with it, because that is what we who have lost a child do. 

My heart is with you as you scale this hurdle in your journey.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs 

[momgran]

Dear Friends,

After another long absence, I ventured into our little garden of healing, here at B.I. and read some recent posts.  I think, as I've struggled to find some peace in the last year, I've found it too overwhelming on the odd occasion that I've visited.  Reading the posts of the new 'members' reminded me of the very early days, the searing heartache, the anger, the bitterness, the bewilderment, loss of faith and the feeling of overall futility.

There are so many words of wisdom on here, as each of us lives another moment, another day on this difficult journey without our precious children.  These words come from the heart and soul of a parent trying desperately to justify living when their child/children and in my case also a grandchild have passed on.

Dear Carol, your words  resonate so with me as you began your journey only 8 days before mine.  Your precious son, Mike, left you on Oct 14 and my beautiful daughter, Pippa and her sweet little son, Kieran, on Oct 22, 2006.  Everything you've said to the newest bereaved mothers is so very true.  The pain does become less intense, but the pit is always  there, we just fall into it less often than in the beginning.  The shock has well and truly worn off, and facing the reality of life without them does become a new journey of discovery.  I know that I am starting to do the  things I never believed were possible again, like planning for the future, feeling somewhat alive again, and understanding that a lot of the platitudes that were thrown at me in the beginning, are actually true.  Life does take on a new 'normal'.  We do begin to 'come to terms' with our loss.  The heartache and the missing them will always remain, but the confusion and the feeling of going crazy has subsided considerably.

Something that touched me recently is seeing the family photos of my loved ones.  They are constantly being replaced with more recent photos of their children and grandchildren.  The photos I have of Pippa and Kieran have remained in place, unchanged, since Oct 22, 2006 and will remain that way until I join them.  There will be no 'updates' on their lives, no new stories to share with my other loved ones.  No progress reports.  Just ramblings, memories, moments gone by and never to return.  Beautiful, precious memories, which become sweeter and easier to share, by the day.

But as I approach my second year without them, I understand the spiraling nature of grief, as I'm going through some intense new pain.  Pippa and Kieran actually left Canada in July 2004.  Tonight, a beautiful warm autumn night, I walked diagonally across the street to where they got into the cars that were to take them to the airport that day, for the first time in over four years!!  I stood on the spot where I last held them, hugged my daughter who was in floods of tears and kissed my sweet grandson on his cherubic lips!  What a surreal and beautiful moment, the memories of our last touch were as real as if they were still positioned in that very spot.  When I returned to the house the tears came, deep and sad.  But I feel their warmth with me more than ever these days.  I had learned so much from them as human beings, and now their spirits are guiding my way, through the life I once felt I didn't deserve, but now realize is a gift.  A gift I am grateful for, despite the tragedies and the heartaches.  Their time here was far too short, but who are we to say how much time any one of us should be allotted.  Our time will come too, and I want to know, at the end, that I lived 'well'.  If I'd allowed their deaths to destroy me, it would have been a dishonor to them and their lives and another tragedy for my precious living son, and other loved ones!

In the past year, I lost a brother in law and one of my sisters.  My relationship of 31/2 years ended in June which has brought a new type of mourning but I'm  now working to spread my wings on my own.  Mike was here with me throughout the worst days of my life and his patience was so amazing, and I will be forever grateful for that.  I know my grief had separated us terribly and in the end, he felt he had to move on.

To the new, involuntary members of this club, my heart goes out to you on the loss of your children.  This site was my lifeline in my first year, I could NOT have survived without the support of the wonderful, courageous, stronger-than-they-ever-believed possible, parents who share so generously here.  Do keep coming and please, don't be afraid to share your most painful, angry, bitter thoughts, because this is the place to do it!  No one will judge you as we've all been there and know only too well how these emotions can eat you alive if you don't release them.  Be patient with yourselves and do take very very gently care.

Claudia, Mamabets, Sherry, Carol, Trudi who were here from the beginning and then Dee and Kathy, my thoughts often go to you and your darling angels.

Sherry, of course we share the loss of our infant children, as well your little Lisa and my Andrew.  Pippa and Kieran's Angel date is Oct 22 and baby Andrew is Oct 28 so that is a particularly difficult week for us!  By the way, the truck driver had sent us a heartfelt letter begging our forgiveness.  He is a family man, who fell asleep behind the wheel whilst on a three day journey, and due to his injuries can never work and support his family again.  I could not believe that I could have felt such sympathy and forgiveness for the man responsible for our tragic loss, but I did.  He is only human and he, too, has to suffer.

I know with the holidays approaching a whole new set of painful memories will have to be dealt with and I hope and pray we will make it through another season without our precious babes, and will grow closer to them as our Angels.

I'd like to share a lovely photo of Pips and Kieran that her friend in South Africa sent me.

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

 

[mikesmum]

Something that touched me recently is seeing the family photos of my loved ones.  They are constantly being replaced with more recent photos of their children and grandchildren.  The photos I have of Pippa and Kieran have remained in place, unchanged, since Oct 22, 2006 and will remain that way until I join them.  There will be no 'updates' on their lives, no new stories to share with my other loved ones.  No progress reports.  Just ramblings, memories, moments gone by and never to return.  Beautiful, precious memories, which become sweeter and easier to share, by the day.

Debbie - how true these thoughts ring true.  Yearly pictures of my youngest children with their growing children adorn the shelves behind me as I type. Pictures of Mike and Harmony remain as they did back in Jan 07. (We are prevented from seeing Harmony at this time).   Never ageing, never changing, frozen in time and my heart forever.

I posted a copy of the most recent group picture.  There is a visible gap between the grandchildren and also Steven & Melissa.  It reminds me that Mike & Harmony are missing. 

I am sorry to hear of your losses over the past year.  Your relationship withstood the hardest test for as long as it took and from your posting you seem to have gained an inner peace/strength.

I had been remarried for about 6 weeks when Mike left.  My partner lost the person he met and married.  But he is here and allows me such latitude on my journey.  It is never the same.

I love the picture of Pippa and Kieran.  These are the pictures that truly reflect the lust for live of those gone before. 

I wish you continued strength and warm memories as you embark on October, the month of loss and memories. 

Bonnie - the dream, well I believe its Jason, touching base, making sure you know that its okay, house or no house. 

Picture is of Harmony's 1st birthday.  September 2006. 

Happy Birthday Harmony - Granma loves ya, misses ya.  Daddy blow kisses from the skies above, your baby is sure to know its you!

 

 

[lagrangel]

Dee,

I know you live around the chicago area and was wanting some insight into shopping in Aurora. I was thinking about a girlfriend getaway and going to the shopping outlet in Aurora. Have you ever been there? I am from a small town in southern Indiana and was wanting to do something fun with my girlfriends that helped pull me out of my world of loneliness after losing Brent. They have stood by me for 13 months and have been such a support for me. As I found out you truly know who your true friends are during such a tragic loss. We love to shop and go out to eat and they like spas. We are planning to make it a weekend adventure and plan on staying two nights. If you have any recommendations I would really appreciate it.  You have been so wonderful in sharing your heart and it has given me so much to know that in the future years that the sting is not so painful and that once again I will "live" my life with the wonderful memeories of Brent. When I hear you talk about your beautiful daughter and all the great memories that you have of her I know that it is possible to have a life without our dear ones. I am still at that point when I see or remember things I did with Brent when he was young my eyes fill with tears and my heart fills like it will break. I long for the time when I can share and remember the wonderful things we did as a family and laugh about some of Brent's silly and wonderful quirks!Thank you for sharing so much with us at BI it gives us all so much hope for the future .   Love, Lana

[heartbeataway]

Debbie,

I love the picture!  It's precious!

I know exactly what you mean about BI being a life line.  I also credit the wonderful friends I've meet here for making me strong enough to realize that there is hope and if we just believe, we'll survive.

I know how hard it was to lose Jason.  And with his loss, I lost my dream of being a grandmother (a Nonni), I felt I lost my identity.  Why did I need a future that appeared so empty?

But you lost your daughter and her precious son, your grandson. I can only imagine.

Whenever I'm having my own little "woes is me" party, I find there's someone else out there that has had bigger hurdles to jump and deeper wounds to heal.

It was almost like your post was there just for me.  I've been down over the loss of Jason's house. But when I put things in perspective, it was just a house .....

Thanks!

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

[user=15807]mikesmomrs[/user] wrote

The death of my son makes no sense whatsover to me, and the sense of loss is with me with every breath I take, but yet I still tend to believe that things happenrd the way they were supposed to. I know that sounds crazy, and surely I would love to have our son back, walking through the door, following his great red beard through the house, yelling about something or other, bursting through the silence that was there before he entered. But such is not to be, and while the pain is great, too great some times, I must sit with it, and live with it, because that is what we who have lost a child do.

  Thanks Carol,

I agree with everything you said.  But the  "I must sit with it, and live with it, because that is what we who have lost a child do"  resonated within me.

That's exactly what we do.  No one around us may be aware at times, but we always sit with it, eat with it, walk with it, sleep and dream with it .......... "it"  is a constant companion that we juggle while doing every other little task that life calls for. 

"It"  never sleeps, never rests and never goes away..........  

And every so often, "it" throws a branch across the path or a storm on the horizon that makes the journey seem like an obstacle course.

What an unwelcome, uninvited shadow we live and journey with! 

"It" goes by many names, grief, loss, sorrow.  "It" even assumes the names of our children at times.

I'm sorry that I ran into "it".  But now that I have, I have to live with "it".

But, I will not let "it" win, or still my joy or keep me from believing that at the end of this journey, "it" will finally go away.

Bonnie

[daniellemom]

Bonnie,

I'm so sorry about the house not coming to you as you wished. I agree with you so much with "it". I think you wrote that just for me.

As far as the house goes, you may be grieving that also. A couselor told me with each new loss, we grive it differently now than before our children left us. She told me I was grieving my son going to college because it was a loss. It made sense to me.

You are so strong and your words just really hit me hard. People don't understand and never will. Thanks again!!

Sonya

[ericasmom]

Lana, I am glad that you are taking a bit of a trip with your friends, how wonderful. I will look into spas in the area but just off the top of my head, the outdoor mall in Aurora is nice. It is an outlet mall, so there are some good deals for sure. I am not familiar with Aurora itself, but Naperville has many fine establishments in which to grab a good meal, and OakBrook too has many great restaurants, Maggianos, Antico Posto. You will be sort of near Geneva and that town is quaint and pretty, and has some fine establishments as well.

Have a blast but I will try to pin down more info.

Deb, I remember talking with you when you first came to this place, when your heart was first shattered. I am so very glad to see the photo you attached and I am so glad for all of the words that you shared here. So beautifully said, so helpful to all those who are new to this walk. You are moving forward, knowing that the second year anniversary will bring some new ache, it sure did for me, and certainly at 5 years now, so much has softened but still those dates...it is so hard to deal with sometimes. I like Carol, do believe in the position that we are here and have to live with it, carry it, breathe and sleep with it, and like Bonnie said, IT is so big sometimes, sometimes It becomes a huge obstacle. Learning how to live with our grief is nothing short of a miracle, and for that alone we know that we are strong, but to live really our best lives in the face of IT is something to feel very good about because it does just as I have said, and Deb has said, it makes our children proud as we are honoring them by doing so. We honor our Babies when we do our best to live in this day the best way we can.

It is very difficutlt to give anything more up isn't it? The tangible things that bring us a bit of our children...I am thinking of how we hang on to these to make sure o f our little ones, but if all the tangibles were gone,; the prom dresses; photos; cards; bedspreads; clothing; books; notes written; houses;all of the items that help us feel connected; still there would be the person we so miss...right there in our hearts. We are after all, forever connected.

Bless us all in all we do, as we are loved for all time by angels.

Love,

Dee

[lagrangel]

Dee,

Thanks those suggestions are greatly appreciated. We plan on going sometime in November and it is always nice to know places others have been. Love, Lana

[heartbeataway]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

Bless us all in all we do, as we are loved for all time by angels.

Love,

Dee

..... loved for all time by angels.

Wow!  Thanks Dee ..... once again, your words are magical.

Bonnie

[daveydow1]

Momgran, Debbie

Such a beautiful photo of Pippa and Kieran. I know that it must be very

bittersweet for you.  Pippa is beautiful, and little Kieran is just so sweet.

You have had so much sorrow to bear with the loss of baby Andrew, and

Pippa & Kieran.  You mentioned that the truck driver that was responsible

for the accident sent you a letter asking for forgiveness, and you gave your

forgiveness. How I wish the truck driver in our case had made that effort to

us. He never uttered one word of regret or apology, no message at all to

this very day. I don't believe that my husband & I and our family wishes

him any ill-will, and we've just let it go. At the hearing, he mumbled an

apology to his company and his family (not us). He seemed doped up. Although, we

have let it go, we probably won't make a first move to him.  I am glad that

he did not have a life-changing injury---he escaped without a scratch.  I hope

I don't come off as vindictive, because I believe I am not. We just don't think

or talk about this individual---too painful.  Bless all our dear angels in heaven.

                     Daveysmom,    Davey 

[mikesmum]

I hope I don't come off as vindictive, 

Sherry, most definitely not.  I think its more of a statement of bewilderment.  You lost your son, yet the man responsible walks away without a physical scar.  I believe though he will carry the weight of your sons life with him forever.

Take Care - Trudi

[mikesmum]

I hope I don't come off as vindictive, 

Sherry, most definitely not.  I think its more of a statement of bewilderment.  You lost your son, yet the man responsible walks away without a physical scar.  I believe though he will carry the weight of your sons life with him forever.

Take Care - Trudi

[mamabets]

Hor heartbeataway~ I am having a "tug" at my heart over Jason's house, and it is whispering to me to tell you that when the people move in, if it is meant to be this way, perhaps you could go over and introduce yourselves...Perhaps a garden or something like this could be created. You just never know what these people could bring into your lives.

In other words, if there is an opportunity to become a part of the lives that are moving in to his house, who knows??

I don't know the details around the "real estate/realtor" part of this, but you just never know...

As much as this NIGHTMARE that we walk with is never ending, there is no doubt that Jason's house could become a "home" for many...We just never know, unless we "wonder" the possibilities that are within the walls now~

What do you think?

LOVE

mamabets 

[mamabets]

For daveysmom~ Remember when I told you that I wrote the truck driver involved in Danny's accident a letter? I did, about 5 months after, and I assured him that this was an accident, as in our case, it most surely was. Evidence proved it, my heart knew it.

However, we never heard back. It was a beautiful letter, and I know that this tragedy has become a part of who these people are as well.

However, to not have these men even acknowledge us is painful, I understand... And yes, we do let it go, but it , like any other part of the agony, creeps in from time to time ...

Let yourself feel it, and then, if you must, feel it again...You will let it go, and you will become good at letting it go again and again. This is how this works, and we know it well.

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For momgran~ Bless you...To see you here warms my heart...To know that this is just so very difficult makes me sad. BUT, that is what we are all here for..To be warm and sad together...To completely understand why we have to just read and not post from time to time...It's funny how I "post" more in the middle of the night...The "night" took my Danny, and "our" new world is so still and quiet now, 4 1/2 years later...

It's 3:00 in the morning here.... I listen to myself type, one of my doggies snores, and Danny holds my heart in the palm of his hands, as always and as peacefully as ever before~

Little Pips and Kieran's photo...Just like all of them, absolutely breathtaking...Their feet in the sand, together, toes wiggling...

I can feel their "cozies..."

LOVE

mamabets

 

[mamabets]

For All~ To be loved for all time..To be loved by all angels...

A beautiful and sweet reminder, for always!!

Thank you, Dee~ You are magical, and so is our Eri...

Imagine what ALL of them must be like together???!!!

LOVE

mamabets 

FRIENDS bracelet.bmp

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ You most DEFINATELY are allowed to feel afraid of flying~ There are many like you, my dear and special friend..Many like ME!!

I NEVER used to be afraid of flying..I am almost 53 years old, and became so petrified once in leaving "my safe zone" that I FREAKED out...

In looking back now, it was about 9 years ago, my entire family must have thought "WHOA...We have problems now..."THE BETS" is freaking out on airplanes"

This was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before Danny's accident!!!

Trust me, it will pass...You will have little Tavian with you, and his little legs, bopping in perfect rhythm upon take off, wide eyed and bushy tailed, will bring to you the comfort and smiles that you never expected...

What these kids can do...Whether it be that they are physically next to us, or whispering to us from beyond, they are with us, like Jess, always...

LOVE

mamabets