Loss of an Adult Child

[johnnysmama]

Sorry for the double post

[mamabets]

For johnysmama~ I can so relate to the feelings that seem harder, as time passes. It does happen like that, I think, because there is such SHOCK at the beginning. I have often suggested to people "stay in the blur for as long as you can..."

Then, it does soften. The happy memories really do try to help with the sadness...They try to creep in, as if to say..."Grab on to the happy times that we shared, and just KNOW that we will one day be together again. Until then, know that I love you like always, and I am right here with you.. I am but a breath away, and that is a promise...Live, love, and laugh as much as you can, in memory of me"

Hard to do? Yup...We truly are living the impossible nightmare...Our angels are living the impossible dream~ For them, we somehow carry on, so we can help others...

LOVE

mamabets 

[ericasmom]

Kay,

We are on that oneway street with you, it is only after more time and journeying, that the road beneath your feet take on a less frantic pace and the path becomes more in sinc with the others in the day. Never quite as the others, but that's okay, we don't want more people on this road anyhow. I know how tired you become, but keep on 'keepin' on, as all roads lead us somewhere. And as one of my favorite writers said,

IF we don't know where we're going,

we can't get lost along the way.

George Harrison upon knowing his cancer was terminal

dee

[daveydow1]

Trudi,

Such a lovely photo of your sweet little grandbaby, Harmony---a little angel.

I do hope that you will get to see her more often, but as you say---- she is

always Mike's little girl. Thanks for sharing the photo, and also, thanks for

your kind words. Peace & blessings be with you.

                     Daveysmom, Sherry

 

Kay,

 Thank you for asking about my baby, Lisa Kaye. She was born in May of

1970, and died in Nov. 1970.....6 mo. old. She choked and aspirated vomit,

which blocked all her breathing. She survived just 24 hrs.  She came with the

spring, like a rose----and was gone in the fall---just as a rose fades.  Then her

brother, Davey,was born in 1971---and now he is gone too. Peace & comfort

to you, friend.

 

Dee,

 Thanks for your kind words. Your posts help me so much, and your

words are inspirational to all.  We  here at  BI help each other on this

rough journey.  Where else could we find such love, understanding and

support ?    Peace.

                      Sherry       

 

[johnnysmama]

Dear Dee and mama

Thank you for your very true words. You give me hope that I will make it and you give me great wisdom on the how and you give me the friendship that makes me want to try.

 

Sherry

I am so sorry about both your precious little white souls. It doesnt make sense to me that they are not with you here physically-all you do for us. I guess it is not for us to understand. I do know what  a wonderful soul you are to all of us. I know we need you here. Just sorry that you lost both of your lovely sweet children. My heart breaks that you have to go on this journey with twice the pain. Thank you for sharing about Lisa Kaye with us. Another loved little white soul.

 

Hugs, Kay

[ericasmom]

All I know Sherry, is that you have double angels watching over you and they must be very proud of their Momma. I am lucky to know you, and I feel our kids have made sure of our meeting as they left here one month exactly from one another. Perhaps your Boy showed Eri how to manage the changes.

My heart

Kay, you are now showing those new to this journey the how, and for that I hope you know the healing it will provide you as you assist another.

Love,

Dee

[daveydow1]

Dee and Kay,

Thank you for your kind words. I too, feel lucky to have such good friends

here at BI.  Our children surely brought about our meeting here, and I

feel that they are all together in heaven and smiling down on us.

Dee, I believe that Davey would been more than happy to help ERi when

she came to the Other Side. Dave's sister used to tease him (good naturedly),

about being "old-fashioned" when it came to dating etc. He was the type to

respect a girl. He once had a date where the girl's mother was also old-

fashion and she insisted on coming along to the movie. He didn't object, and

understood that the mom didn't know him, so was concerned for her daughter.

Sadly, he never met the right girl though. I guess God had other plans for him.

So, I say.....bless each & every one of our children who are now in that perfect

life.  Peace

              Daveysmom, Sherry

   

[summergirl]

Hello to all - thank you so much for all of your kind words, thoughts and prayers as we faced yet another "good-by" to a loved one. It was a beautiful goodby, simple yet spoke much. When they blessed the prayer book that my father-in-law and mother-in-law bought in memory of Jessica my husband and I could not stop the tears flowing, it was so beautiful yet so painful to have it in "her memory" but another step forward.  My husband is very depressed and I am trying everything to help him yet cannot seem to find the right words so I just keep telling him that I am here for him. He has endured the loss of our Jessica and thought he was doing so well dealing with her loss and now the loss of his father has brought many things back to him. I believe the depression has been there for quite some time but is now emerging as another loss hit him. I spoke to his mom tonight to ask her what she thought and she said "he will just have to get over it"!!!!  I have to say I was a little shocked by her words but I know she is dealing with her own grief and doesn't want to have to deal with anyone else's grief even though it is her son. I am worried as I have never seen my husband like this, even when we lost Jessica he was so strong and was always telling me that I needed to move on, to except that she was gone, to be happy and celebrate her life and now it is he who is not dealing. I will be as strong as I can for him and take one step at a time. Any advice??

Mom2sarah - I am so sorry for the loss of your only child, your beautiful daughter. I am blessed to have my daughter Jessica's son Tavian with us, he is 6 and we have full custody of him. I cannot speak to you about what it is like to have lost your only child as I have Tavian but I can tell you that losing a child is the hardest thing you will ever face in your life time - the pain is overwhelming, tears flow endlessly, the heart shatters each and every moment of the day and night, nothing seems right in your world and you see no future - well there is a future and I and all others on this site are proof of that - we have all endured an unspeakable pain that only we here can understand. When the calls cease and the family and friends go back to their "normal" lives we are left with an emptiness, an unbearable quiet, the unanswered "why", the sleepless nights, nothing is "normal", I cannot do this, memories of what was and will not be again. If someone would have told me 2 years, 6 months and 3 weeks ago today that I would be the person I am now I would have told them to go to **** as there was never going to be a life for me after I lost my Jessica BUT here I am, living, breathing, working, raising my 6 year old grandson, smiling and celebrating my daughter's life as much as I can - I am a survivor as all on this site. Oh, I have my days when I lose my breath, cry endlessly, scream at the world and then I pick myself up and take another step forward, I know that I will always have "my days" but they are farther between now and time has softened the pain, there is no "easy" or "better" but there is softer. Please keep coming here and sharing with us if you want to, we are here sending you hugs and will guide you as best we can. Be easy on yourself and take it one moment, one day at a time, trust that your daughter will show you the way. May God Bless.

Tavian came home tonight after 4 days with his other grandmother - wow, I missed him!! He was very happy though and said he had a good time. Rough at bed time tonite - he read me a book (still dealing with the fact that he can read!!) and then I kissed him, hugged him and suddenly he started crying and said "mi-mi, can I tell you a secrete" and I said sure you can and he said "I don't remember what mommy looked like", so I held back the tears and said "of course you do" and showed him her picture and he said "no, I don't remember what her hair felt like" so I got out the "satin angel bag" and took out the long lock of Jessica's hair and handed it to him. He held it for a moment and touched it to his face and then he smiled, put it back in the bag and lay down with it. I told him if he held it throught the night he would have a sweet dream.  I watched him as he lay there holding it and as he fell asleep I said a little prayer that he would have a sweet dream tonight!!   Tears fall, such a precious moment yet so hard on the heart.

Good to be back and hope by this weekend I will be able to scan pictures to show you how big Tavian is and great pictures from our camping trip and beach days.

Love to all and I am still trying to catch up on the postings so forgive me if I have gotten somewhat lost.   Love to all - Kathy  

[ericasmom]

Kathy,

perhaps your husband mistook strength for moving on when it really takes a great deal of strength to mourn. He needs to be sad now, and he may see how very sad you must have felt/feel to have lost Jess. If this loss, his Dad who lived a more normal amount of years is so very difficult, then boy, Jess leaving as she did is really a stunning loss. Each loss we endure certainly brings forth the grief from previous, but for many, I think it brings the real grief they may not have let forward from those losses. Forgive me to arm-chair guess, but he sounds very much like my husband, my childrens' stepdad, and I think the real mourning began long after ERi died...later when he was able to feel all that had changed, all that I hurt for, a life gone so quickly. It was more evident to him when he witnessed how my son had to work to come back to live a life again. He never had kids, and so after seeing the friends that came by and still do, to remember and share about Eri, he really began to realize the giant hole left where she left. Life is so tricky, but as you know, we need to grieve in order to understand what and who we lost. We need to survey our new landscape and find out who we are without them...it is a fragile state and your letting him know that you are there is really the best thing you can do.

Love, and can't wait to see the photos,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Kathy - I think Barry truly has the underlying depression that comes from losing a parent and child. (to lose a parent is to lose your past, to lose a child is to lose your future).  You and Tavian are his present.  Coming from the idea that he needs to be strong for all his family can leave him lost at the end of the day.

I have a thought about the 'he'll get over it people'.   Many years ago, my other half spent 9 hours at a fatal where 2 ambulance officers were killed.  He helped remove them from the ambulance and identify them. They had been his colleagues/friends and were a part of the local community.  The next morning his wife at time was asked how he was doing.  Her reply, 'he's a bit down but I left him home with the kids to get him to snap out of it'.  Their marriage ended soon after.  When I look back it was a reality that was so close.  There but for the grace of God.   

Tavians fears of forgetting his mum, made me cry.  You have so many memories of Jess that he will always have that access to the beautiful one who calls him son.  The Angel bag something that will ease his heart I am sure. 

We are all truly survivors from events that we once thought would take us.  Yet here we are, changed in many ways, yet the core of our beliefs, while rocked are still there. 

Off to walk the Muttley Dog - Sunshine, blossoms, ponderings......there is something in this life still moving me one breath, one step, one day at a time......

 

[summergirl]

Trudi and Dee - thank you for your guidance once again. I have told Barry many times that he has not yet "really grieved" about Jessica and he kept telling me that he has accepted that she is gone, nothing will bring her back so why sit around and cry, be upset and his most famous word "ponder" why. Now that he has lost his dad it has all come down on him like a ton of bricks and he does not know how to deal with the overwhelming grief he is now feeling. I am going to be there for him and do whatever it takes to see him through this and I know we will both survive. As much as I hate to see the pain in his eyes I belive it is something he has to go through in order to move on - I pray I am right.

Yes Tavian can break my heart with his questions but am so to be able to calm his fears about mommy by talking and sharing all of the wonderful years we had with her and to be able to hand him the "angel bag" was heartbreaking but beautiful when I watched his little face shine with a smile.

Short post tonight as Barry would like to use the computer (no laptop yet) so I am going to give it to him - it is a little step as he has not been doing anything since his father passed.

Thank you again for you words, your hugs and strength. Talk tomorrow. kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  Your ex's wife at the time of that terrible accident surely needed a lesson in empathy and caring; I hope she hasn't had to go through a tragedy. 

Your words:  "Yet here we are, changed in many ways, yet the core of our beliefs, while rocked are still there" hit home for me, as I am sure for many others...changed in many ways, but still there...  I was trying to explain that very thing to someone the other day, and they just didn't "get it."   It seems the prevailing thought around my circle is that "it's been almost two years, why do you seem to be even more upset now?"  The answer to that lies deep within my heart and I can't reach in there and find it...I just know that I am.  It's almost as though I am truly grieving for the first time...perhaps it has taken this long for the numbness to wear off...my heart is in deep sorrow.  Again, your words hit home:  "The grieving process is slow and protracted, hindered by shock."

Harmony--yes, I can also see her daddy shining in those eyes so like his...

Kathy: Yes, I agree, your husband needs to realize that he needs to grieve, both his dad and his daughter, "being strong" for others eventually depletes your own strength and then when your own grieving finally is allowed through, there is no strength left.  I am finding that out now, I guess.

We are working hard to keep Mike's memory alive for his children, but little Damon is having a really difficult time...your Tavian felt that he had forgotten what his mommy looked like and and my tears came on instantly when I read that.  It was so great that he felt comfortable telling you, and it was so wonderful that you had Jessica's hair for him to hold and reconnect with his memories of his mom.  I know your tears were so near the surface, and your heart was breaking as you listened to him, but I am so glad you were able to comfort him.

Unfortunately, Damon does not have those (or any) memories of his daddy, and he is so confused...he mentions now and then that he wants to go visit his daddy, or that he wants his daddy to come see him; he wants to see his body, not just a picture.  What do we say?  Sarah does not want to refer to Mike as "living in heaven" or "living with God" because she feels he is too young to understand the concept and will still want to go there to visit, etc.  I am trying to follow her lead, so that he is not confused by hearing different things from different people, but it is SO hard...

I do look forward to your wonderful pictures...seeing Tavian happy and smiling at the beach is always a heart warmer.

Sherry: I echo the words of others in telling you that you are a true comfort to all of us here...your sweetness and caring comes through your words very well...

Kay:  just to say I am thinking of you and wishing you sweet memories to lighten your days. 

Mamabets:  so good to see your post!

Has anyone heard from Bonnie?

love to all, have a peaceful night...

carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

Carol - I thought perhaps she had a persona for the public and maybe a little more emotional at home.  Nahuh. Both funerals for these officers were very public.  At both she stood away from Mal, leaving in the middle of the service. I might add she wasn't up the back, but in full view of all.   She recently lost her mum, her sons their grandmother.   The focus of the day was the boys not looking suitable.  (no tie, they are 18 & 21).   These  same boys  that were surprised that both my adult sons hugged me, kiss on the cheek and always left with a 'love you' in front of people!  Apparently affection is something you endure behind doors and never in public.

Mike made a book for Harmony in the last year of his life.  (not sure if he knew something or not). It was pictures from when he was younger and fitter. I don't know whether there is much of his story attached, but we are keeping our journal of memories for her.  Its not the same as having him here, but she will know from all of us that she was much loved and her dad was one big hearted softy that just didn't get the chance to stay.

Haven't heard from Bonnie.  Bonnie hope you are doing okay, visiting just not posting. 

Kathy - Barry might find his own place to express his heart on the computer.  Stranger things have happened...isn't that how we all started?

Take Care........Trudi

[daveydow1]

Kathy,

My heart goes out to you & your husband in this very sad time. Peace

and prayers for you.

 

Carol,

 Thank you for you very kind words. No one ever told us this would be an

easy journey, did they?  We all ride this crazy roller coaster with all its ups

and downs. Just when we think we are making headway, then along comes

those days when we feel like crawling in a hole and staying there. BI is the

best place to come to ------good days or bad days. We're all lucky to have

found this place where everyone knows how we feel, and understands our

better days and our blah days.  Peace & love.

 

         Daveysmom,   Sherry 

[briansdad]

To all my friends here.I've been reading about your recent losses and I'm sorry to see the pain we have to endure. Now that were in Sept. the month I HATE the most I try to listen to this song and think of the beauty our loved ones are enjoying and it helps.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQ3C6rssaps

Peace

Greg

[ericasmom]

Greg, I am sorry that September is 'that' month for you, I wish you never had to feel this ache. I know how it feels too, to gather round that hallowed spot, wondering how to make our feet move away from that last place...and the cross put there to mark the loss, but the loss burns brightly still within. Always will. The song says it all.

Peace somehow,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Trudi, sounds like the wife is very uptight, very unable to let anything near her heart and what a very sad way to live. It is not fully living is it? While we ache as we do with the leaving of our children, we love them fully, never anything less than fully.

God bless our steps each day, help us make them count for the good in this world.

Dee

[cameronsmom1]

Dear all, I have created a page on myspace for those who have lost a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or any type of death. It has some great songs on it, great quotes, and poems (some that I wrote and some that I found). It is a place where you can go and write anything you need to talk about or get out kind of like this. It is really nice to talk to others that have been through what you have. Please take a look at it and if you have a myspace add it if not just feel free to browse. Thanks Amanda

http://www.myspace.com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

[summergirl]

Trudi - Yes maybe Barry will find something throught the computer - I have tried to get him to come here but says he it is too much for him to read about all the pain, I have tried to explain to him what it is like here but he doesn't quite get it and he won't until he comes here himself and reads the postings - it is not "all" about the pain, it is about survival, strength, love, friendship, caring and most of all a place where you can talk freely and even laugh - whatever we want because we are all on the same page although different stages.

Carol - I am so sorry about Damon. How old is he? I understand how diffacult it is to try to make a child understand why his/her mommy/daddy cannot come see them, they cannot visit, to try and explain where they are, so many questions. Tavian was just 4 when Jessica left us, his birthday was Feb 11 and she passed exactly one week later on the 18th. We were at a loss of how to explain it to him, she passed early Saturday morning at about 1 am and on Sunday I brought Tavian up stairs to our bedroom, sat with him and told him that his mommy had went to Heaven and of course he asked why and how and I remember telling him that mommy had a heart that was broken and the doctors tried really hard to fix it but they couldn't so she had to go to Heaven with God so her heart wouldn't be broken anymore. He asked if we could go there to see her and I told him that Heaven was a speacial place for people to go when they were very sick and that God was the only one who could fix them and then they would be sick no more, they become Angels and can see everything we do but we cannot see them with our eyes because they are very special Angels. He asked if sh could come back to visit us and I told him no because if she came back here then her heart would be broke again. I don't remember every thing we said as it was the pain and grief were so new but as time went on we talked much more about it and he came to understand in his own way. When we go to the cemetery he believes it is a place we go to to visit his mommy, he leaves things for her and I take them away before we go again and he believes she comes and takes them - it makes him happy. He is older now at 6 and a half but still does not grasp the idea of the circle of life so I do the best I can and as he grows he will come to understand and I only pray that I have answered his questions in the right way, the only way I know.  God knows it is not easy as I have a hard time explainging it to myself. I do believe that the little ones have to have some kind of answer, whatever it is we choose to tell them, they need us to put their little minds at ease, to help them understand it is not their fault, mommy didn't want to leave him and how much she loved him and still does and if he wants to see her then he just needs to close his little eyes and remember something they used to do together. That seems to help Tavian alot and he talks more about her now then he used to. He still does not understand but is beginning to accept the idea that although mommy loves him and he loves her -  he, pop-pop and mi-mi are a family now, we are his mommy and daddy.   I wish I could give you the right words to say but I cannot and it breaks my heart that little Damon is so heartbroken but I do hope that his mom can find the words to talk to him so he can find a little understanding. God Bless you.

Talked to my therapist yesterday and she told me she thought I was ready to start reading some "self-help grief books" - I told her I did not need to read any books as I have all the help I need on BI - there are no books out there that can help me like all of you do my dear friends. I told her alot about the site and she was quite impresssed. However, no one can understand this site unless they have a reason to be here and that is the saddest part.

Greg - so sorry about "September", I know the feeling as I hate "February". My best to you.

Love and Peace to all. Still trying to get my scanner going, hopefully this weekend my husband will be able to down load the program we got.    Sleep well, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

I have had such a busy week with OPEN HOUSE at school one night and just a very busy group of 3rd graders. I am bushed and heading to bed after falling asleep in a chair watching TV.

I have missed everyone and hope that the weekend is peaceful and hopeful. If anyone is near IKE, please be safe.

Love,

Dee

[johnnysmama]

Kathy

 As I read about Tavian and his missing his mommy, Jessica I think what a wonderfully lucky boy he is to have such a strong mimi that misses her baby and has to comfort her other baby all the time. I wonder how you can grieve jessica and be a mommy to Tavian and help him. How do you have time and strength? Bless you for all you do and for strength to continue on. As a kindergarten teacher I have found reading books and discussing them with my class is a great way to open things up and explain life as much as you can explain it. I know there are some GREAT books for kids on grieving and losing a parent. Sometimes kids can really identify with characters in books and how they work on a problem in their life. I just find literature a help for me and try to read a lot on grieving and connecting myself.

 

Greg

I am so sorry September is a hard month for you. I am thinking of you and your beloved Brian. Hope you find some peace. Have really missed you here.

 

I also miss Bonnie, Terri and others that are traveling this road and I hope you are all ok and will come back when you are ready. Know you are missed and cared about.

 

I have been having a rough week. Crying at work, not able to keep it together, shades of feelings of last year. Thought I was doing more in life, being sad less but not lately. Seems like when things get tough lately in life I just fold. Not sure why. What is the deal with the second year? Why is it harder? Not just harder but more painful at times? Wow dont get this grieving journey just when I think I might survive...

 

Kay

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

You will survive Kay, but you are traveling some of the hardest terrain known to parents who have lost their Child. Many have said it and while in my first year I did not believe it, that the second year is worse for many. I heard it again tonight on the John Edwards Crossing Over Show...I know some people think he is a quack, however his ability to seeminly connect to the energy of those who have crossed is pretty impressive, and I cry each time I watch as he connects parents to thier kids. Anyhow,he said it to a group of parents in this particular show, that the second year is more painful because all of the shock has worn off, and because the firsts are all over with, now come the years. He went on to say that many parents feel quite left behind by thier friends and family as they talk less of the person who left, they may tolerate less of our talk of them, they don't checkin on you as they may have that first year. So there are many reasons and I will add one of my own. I noticed that after that first year, my body and spirit were depleted. The shock adn trauma of losing Eri took a physical and mental toll and I was very tired yet less able to sleep deeply. I will say that that does change for most of us. You will get through this Kay. Keejp in mind that you are back to work with the most exhausting age group, kindergarteners. Holy Cow, and the tears? Well my goodness, when you are meeting young ones who bring up the memories of your young ones, it can tap deeply into your heart and the missing could be magnified. It could also be the change in season, the colors are coming into the maples here, probably where youare as well, and when the seasons change, it is another reminder of time passing without our Babies. So many reasons, all of which might apply, none of which might apply...give yourself some room however, because your tears need room to fall. Let them fall knowing that grief comes in waves and we need to ride those waves in order to get to the calm we sometimes experience. There is learning in both, meaning in both. Johnny knows you will make it through this wave adn the next.

To those new to this, don't let it scare you that the second year can be worse. It is impossible in my mind and heart, that anything is worse than the first year, but the second year is simply a different type of ache. It is the length of time that really hurts. It will soften after that, and eventually, you will have whole days and sometimes weeks, where no tears fall, or only a few, and that you can remember times that make you smile more than cry.

Our children are with us, and while we miss them so terribly because we cannot see them and hold them, they are with us.

Love to All,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Sorry to write two in a row, just want to say thtat it has been raining here since Friday night. Our yard, our beautiful garden is under 4.5 inches of water, the whole yard, some in the basement, hopefully that will not get worse. The river, usually quite small and narrow at the spot two blocks away, is huge and streets are closing due to the overflow. Yikes!

Hope everyone is out of harms way, enjoying a Sunday.

Love,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  I so hope things don't get worse...it is so heartbreaking when a beautiful garden you've so lovingly created is destroyed by the very nature that it sprang from...

I know your dismay at the water in the basement...we've had it happen in the past...our new home doesn't have one! My thoughts and prayers are with all tonight, and especially those facing the brutality of the weather...keep safe!

love and peace,

carol 

[mikesmum]

To all who are buffetting the rage of IKE I hope you are safe. The pictures here of Galveston show so much destruction.

Dee - being geographically challenged outside of the southern hemisphere, is the rain and excess river water part of the storms being whipped up by IKE?  I hope the water recedes and gives new life to your garden.

Carol - are you in your new home?? 

This weekend I spent time with my baby brother.  He's a whole year younger!  It was his daughters 14th birthday.  He had found our Great Grandma's bibl.  Inside were many clippings from newspapers regarding births marriages and deaths in our family from 1890.  My mum had it last and when she past it went to Bill.

It was so interesting to see a mourning card from 1900 for my great great great grandma.  The one thing I wasn't ready for was the notices for my dad.  He died in 1980, I was 25.  He wasn't just my dad, he was my best friend.  He was Mikes 'bippa' (something that came from not being able to say Grandpa). 

In a heart beat I was back there.  Feeling lost, sad, my heart breaking all over again.  It was as if it were yesterday.

It showed that the loss, the sadness are never far from our hearts.  As time goes by we do find the place in our hearts that keeps the memory but eases the acuteness of the pain we feel.  In this Bible I found a poem.  Mum had copied it back in 1994.   I leave you with it. 

 

I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one

I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles, when life is done

I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways

Of happy times & laughing times & bright & sunny days.

I't like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun

Of happy memories I leave behind when life is done

Author Unknown 

 Take care - Trudi   

[mikesmum]

Taken in 1978.  Dad, Melissa and Mike. 

[summergirl]

Kay - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your sweet words. To answer yuor question "how do I grieve for my Jessica and comfort and be a mommy to Tavian all at the same time" wow - I have had many friends and family say "I don't know how you do it" and there have been many times when I have asked myself the same question and the best answer I can give is Tavian is my Jessica's son, my grandson and also in many ways now my son. I have had to dig deep inside myself at times to find the strength to comfort him without breaking down, I have had to smile when all I want to do is cry, I have had to do so many firsts with him that Jessica should have had the chance to do but there really is no answer to the question of how I do it - I just do, my love for him is so strong and when I have to comfort him in whatever situtation the words or actions always seem to come and I believe that Jessica guides me - there are some who do not believe that but I know it to be true. In the first few months I remember lying with Tavian and he looked at me and said he wanted kisses from mommy - I was dumbfounded on what to do but I knew in my heart that he needed it desperately so I told him to close his eyes and think of his mommy and there was a glass of water on my night stand that I had brought up and as he lay there with his eyes closed I dipped my fingers in the glass of water and let a few drops drip on him - his eyes flew open and he said "mi-mi, do you see that, it is right on my shoulder, kisses from mommy" and I made a big fuss over how much his mommy loved him and was sending him kisses from Heaven - he never did figure out what I was doing. Not to long ago I was driving and suddenly became overwhelmed and sobbing because I could not remember what Jessica's voice sounded like, I had to call my sister in Iowa and she got me through it - so I understand how much Tavian needs certain things the same as we do. Yes, at times I have to take a breath and count to ten and start all over again but I do it and I will always do it as I know Tavian is where he belongs, with us as we knew Jessica better that anyone so we also know Tavian better than anyone. It can be very trying at times but I would not trade my life with him for anything and I must say that this site and the strength I get from all help me through many hard times.   At Tavian's school they have a program that is called "Banana Splits", it is with the school therapist (same one who was there when Jessica was a student) and a few other people and they meet once a week with children who have lost a parent through death, divorce or just simply are deadbeat fathers or mothers - it is a great program from what I understand and Tavian will take part in the group starting this coming week so I will let you know how it is. In the mean time I grieve on my own when I need to and have strength when it comes to Tavian - all I have to do is look at his little face and I can do whatever needs to be done.

Dee - I love John Edwards and I agree that some people think he is a quack but it is a dream of mine to someday meet him - I guess when you lose a child you start to believe in things that you never before believed in - I know that all of our Angels watch over us and maybe it is possible for someone like John Edwards to be able to do what he does - I hope someday to meet him and find out for myself.

Trudi - the poem is beautiful and what treasures you have now!!  The picture of your dad, Mike and Melissa is priceless. I know what you mean when it all comes rushing back and takes you back to that place but the memories you have are truely gifts.

Dee has also said it so well as usual about the second year being harder - the shock and having lived in a state of comnfusion the first year begins to ease and you come face to face with the reality of "he/she is really never coming back". I am now to the point of going days and sometime a couple of weeks where I have not cried tears for my Jessica but instead smile at the wonderful years we had, or a special moment. Certain things I cannot change - for expample, every other Thursday after work Jessica and I would drive 30 miles to get our nails and pedicures done, go to dinner and shopping - since she has been gone I still continue that tradition - I have had many friends ask to go with me and I turn them down because it is still mine and Jessica's night and I will not share that with anyone but her - if people don't get it then that is not my problem.

Long weekend doing lots of stuff with Tavian so am tired and am going to go read for a while and back to work tomorrow. Sleep well my friends and pictures soon.

God Bless and Peace - Kathy  

[mamabets]

For dee~ I LOVE John Edwards, have followed his shows for years now...I am so happy to see him on the "WE" channel, and the other night, my daughter called and said "Mom, isn't John Edwards supposed to be on at9:00 my time {Wisconsin}, 10:00 yours{North Carolina}??"

 I said "YESSSSS!!! I am so glad that you reminded me!!!"

It was 7:45 ish my time...

I put it on at 10:00 and sure enough, that first family had lost a son, and his name was Daniel; Danny.....

I said "Woops...HERE WE ARE"

LOLOLOL

I do, absolutely, associate, as John Edwards says that it can happen like that- In other words, if you "feel" the association, it is real...Never doubt yourself, and I don't...

When I "feel" Danny is near, I know that he is!! Even though I know he ALWAYS is, the SIGNS become clearer at times...That "different communication" that John Edwards refers to?? I have "gotten that", as in understood it, from day one...

I "hear" Danny talk to my heart...As I have said so many times, it is exactly like a gut feeling, but it comes to the heart...

At times it really answers all questions...Questions like, "When will we be together again??"

The answers all come peacefully..."In time, Mom, in time... We are together, just like always...Forever"

When the floods of tears come, I just let them roll....

I have a niece/her spouse in Chicago...A nephew/his wife and baby, in Glenview...LOTS of rain, and Jackie, too...DRENCHED in Kenosha, Wisconsin!!!

Leak in Glenview basement, but not too bad...!!!

My prayers are HOPING that your garden is OK~ LET US KNOW!!

A beautiful "vision" for all to enjoy attatched!!!

LOVE

mamabets  

 

 

 

 

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

Lovely picture of mountains & flowers. So restful.  I didn't catch the

John Edwards show---but will try to see it next time.

 

Dee,

So sorry about all the rain you've been having there. At night, I listen to

an AM station from Chicago, and heard of all the flooding and road closings.

I feel sorry that your garden got flooded and under water. We in our area,

(OH) didn't get rain, but high windstorms that knocked out electric for many

people due to downed trees and broken lines. Our power was off for 2 days,

but is back on now. Many people still do not have power yet. Ike sure did

have a widespread punch. Hope things will get better soon.

 

Mikesmum,

Such a sweet photo of Dad, Melissa, and Mike. So bittersweet, but such a

treasure--------all our photos. Thanks for sharing.

            Daveysmom,  Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi, no we NOT in our new house yet, unbelievably.  I think the neighbors in the new neighborhood think a phantom ghost bought the place!  We are, however, preparing to wind things up, so to speak.  We have an open house this weekend, and if nothing comes from that by the first of the month or so, we will offer it at "short sale" which means we ask the bank to let us sell it for less than what we owe on it...this is actually not a new thing, but many don't know about it til now, and only because the real estate market has been so terrible this past year.  If we don't get approval or a buyer, then I guess the only thing left is to walk away.  I am more disappointed than I could ever possibly put into words, as we have put a ton of work and love into this property, but I have come to the decision that it is just a house...my memories will come with me, the work we did was something that we enjoyed and also enjoyed the fruits of, so it not all lost. 

We plan to start bringing some things to the new house th is weekend, and hopefully be in it fully by mid-October, the end of Oct at the latest. 

We gave our beautiful pool away this past weekend to some wonderful neighbors, and they and other neighbors helping (we live in a terrific neighborhood!) have been working all week to get it moved...it held 8,000 gallons of water and of course had to be emptied first, then moved, and all the foundation had to be cleared, replacing the grass, etc, so it has been a huge job for them.  Plus, the whole pool was surround with fieldstones, a rock indigenous to New Hampshire (hence, the nickname "Granite state"), and the moved those also.  I am happy to see a young family with the pool and know they will get many happy hours from it.  I broke down in tears when I first saw it without the water in it, but soon recovered. 

I so loved your poem, it is truly from someones' heart and shared by all who have lost a precious loved one.  Like you, I also lost my dad when I was 25, and we had shared a lot, as he had retired when I was only 15, and most of my 7 sisters and brothers had already moved out, so it was him and me and my mom.  I missed him so much...still do, but the memories are there, also.  Sadly, my dad never got to see his baby's only son, as Mike wasn't born until 5 years later.  We used to tell Mike stories of his grandfather, who was a commercial fisherman since he moved from Newfoundland to Boston MA at the age of 12.  Mike was the only male in my family of brothers and nephews who had my dad's "red" beard.  Black hair, red beard.  Of course, I never saw it on my dad, as he was 52 when I was born, and had gray, then snow white hair.  My dad was also a full-fledged Red Sox fan...passed down to Mike, I guess through my genes!  lol!   My dad was generous, kind and so gentle; self-educated, who could discuss any topic with a depth of knowledge that surprised many and enlightened all who were lucky enough to sit and talk with him.  As my mom used to say "they broke the mold when they made him."  But, I think many of us think of our parents that way:  special, loving people who we were so blessed to have in our lives. 

Kathy:  you asked how old Damon is, he is now 3, will be 4 in December.  He was 2 months shy of 2 when his daddy died, so he really doesn't remember anything about him, and that is what makes it so hard.  He hears us talking about this guy who never shows up, and I wonder sometimes what he actually thinks about it.   Sarah has a few pictures of Mike around the house, and now and then she will give Damon  or show him something and tell him it used to belong to his daddy, but Damon sees his cousins with their daddys, and never sees his own daddy, so he gets confused.  I think I had mentioned before that on Mike's birthday, when Damon and Sarah were getting dressed that day, Damon, out of the blue, said "I think maybe my daddy is getting dressed somewhere now too, so he can come see us."  How does one answer to that?  My tears are endless some days. 

Greg:  You are in my thoughts as you wend your way through this month of September and all the special memories it holds for you.

To all:  you are all so special and your friendship and kindness mean so much.  I was telling my grandson of my relationship here, and he was really touched that so many virtual strangers would come together to comfort one another as if they were friends forever. 

love and peace,   carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

Carol - You describe your home and surrounds beautifully.  I am glad to hear that your neighbours have the pool so that their children will enjoy, as did yours.  The housing market suxs worldwide at the moment.  I will be thinking of you and praying our Mikes come up with a 'sales plan' to get you to your new home.  (come on guys, your connected send someone who will love the house and allow Carol to move to her new 'downsize')

My dad was the parent that I could go to with my hopes, dreams, tears and fears.  He took me to all my interviews for my nursing.  He listened when my heart broke at 18 and was there when my marriage fell apart.  I remember he opened the door to Mike, Melissa and Steven (they were 3,2 & 1) saying 'you guys are welcome, but her, not so sure' lol.

 In 1980 he was scheduled for bypass surgery.  Pretty new technology back then.  I remember sitting with him out in the garden the night before he went to hospital.  I had always seen my dad as strong, fearless and of course my hero.  He began to cry as he told me how scared he was.   The unknown, would he be the man he was, what would happened to mum if he didn't make it.  I was 25, and best I could do was hold him and tell him I loved him. 

His surgery started at 8am.  By noon he was struggling to come off bypass.  By 2 he was bleeding out and needed a platelet transfusion from one of us.  As I headed to pathology I was called back. Though fighting he simple was running out of energy.  He was in ICU recovery and we weren't allowed to see him.  I told the doctor to let him know it was okay to go.  We were strong, because he made us strong.  We would be okay.  'Just tell him we all love him'.  By 5 that night he was gone.

That night I sat in the garden with Mike Melissa & Steven.  It was a clear warm night.  We watched the stars, picking out one for Dad.  Some tears were shed that night and its memory stays with me now, knowing Mike is with his grandpa, both shine on me each night.

Take Care.  Look for the Punch Buggies and Pennies......Trudi

 

[summergirl]

Carol - lovely that you gave your swimming pool to a young couple - they will enjoy it so much and they will have fond memories later on as you do now.   I hope you get into your new house soon, it can be a diffacult thing to do but you are so right as you will take all of your memories with you. Home is where we make it.

I do not know how to give you any advice about Damon, being only 2 when his daddy left does not leave him with much memory of him. It breaks my heart that a child has no memory of a parent and we wonder why that is. Yesterday I had a total meltdown about Tavian - I looked at my husband and said "I don't know how to do this, he should have his mommy here with him, I am to old to be his mommy and do all the things his "young mommy" did". Then I got control of myself and sucked it up and told Jessica that I was just having a moment and Tavian will be ok and I will be ok.   I had a friend that was killed in a car accident 15 years ago leaving behind 3 and a half year old twin girl - they have no memory of their mother and I was suprised by that but I guess it depends on the circumstances. Jessica was a single mom so she was with Tavian much more than a "couple" - she had total responsibility for him so maybe that is why he remembers much more. I just don not know. I guess the only answer is take it one day at a time and the answers will come on their own. I feel so helpless with no advice for you.

Trudi - glad you got to be with your loved ones, picking out stars for your dad - what a beautiful memory.

Time to get Tavian to bed. Have more to talk about so will post tomorrow night.

Peace and love my friends - Kathy

[summergirl]

hi, my name is Tavian and I like dragons.  

[ericasmom]

Hello Everyone,

such a busy week and now getting packed to go to Boston for 4 days with my Son, his girlfriend, and my husband. WE leave in the morning, we have a family wedding to attend. We are excited but getting ready to go away from my classroom is a lot of work. Leaving this early int he year is hard, the group is not fully 'a group' and so I wrote 8 pages of instructions for the substitute. I just had to outline all the special cases in the classroom, who to give extra wait time for, who to push a bit more, who to watch like a hawk...Anyhow, I left the room in good order. The yard is drying out, thanks for the thoughts Sherri. I think the 8000 gallons of water Carol, that you had to drain, landed in my yard.

I love you all, and I am hoping that you have a peaceful and wonderful couple of days. I will check in on Sunday evening and I will think of you all as usual.

My  heart.

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  have a wonderful time in Boston...you will  be just 55 miles from where I live.  I was born in and grew up in Boston, lived there til I was 19 and married, then  traveled after that because my husband was in the air force. 

You sound like such an organized person, and bless you for being so careful for your students and zeroing in on their particular needs to help them.  They are blessed to have you for a teacher. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, thanks so much. I knew I would be near you and I do love Boston. I am laughing at the organized part...I am so not, but I am working on it.

Love to all,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Hey Tavian - How are you?  What kind of Dragons do you like?  I like the lady dragon in Shrek.  Say hi to Mi mi.  Trudi

[summergirl]

Hello to all - Dee you sound like me - so not organized!!  I am not sure I even know the meaning of the word but like you am trying my best. Have a wonderful time in Boston - not far from me in New York!!

Tavian was in bed last night and suddenly he was standing behind me watching me post and wanted to know what I was doing so I told him I was writing to all of my friends. He asked if he could write one thing so I let him, he thought it was very cool.

Tavian is going back into therapy - he is having issues with anger and is having a hard time expressing himself so he has been using aggressive behavior in school. I had a meeting with his teacher today and she said he has been pushing and acting out in anger. She told me that she can see that he does not have the type of personality that pushes, hits and behaves the way he is so that was why she is so concerned. It really upset me but I understand how hard it is for him. I called the therapist today so he will begin next week. My mind is weary with thinking of the "what did I do wrong"  and the "what can I do different" and then I have to get a hold of myself and remind myself that I am doing the best I can and it is all a part of the "grieving process" and we will get through this one day at a time like we do everything else. I just want him to have "happy happy" and not have to feel such anger and saddness!!! 

Tired tonight so off to bed - thank you Trudi for writing back to Tavian. We are camping this weekend so will talk to all on Monday night. I will let Tavian answer you Trudi but will make him understand that this is not a place for him to write all of the time, just once in a while. Maybe it will be good for him - it certainly is for me.  Love and peace to all - Kathy

[daniellemom]

Everyone,

'

Danielle's birthday is tomorrow and all I can think about is what we did last year, what we did 22 years ago! I miss her so much. How do I get by this weekend. I love and miss her so much!!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[4everjoeysmom]

Sonya, I just want you to know that as I travel over the next 5 days, I have you with me in thought and prayer. BIG HUGS, Claudia

[daniellemom]

Claudia,

Thanks, I will also have you in my thoughts and prayers and you travel. I hope you have a great trip.

Sonya

[mikesmomrs]

Sonya:  You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you move through tomorrow...may Danielle surround you with her love and signs of her eternal happiness. 

 

[align=center]HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, DANIELLE!!![/align]

[align=left]love and peace,[/align]

[align=left]carol  mikesmomrs[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[mikesmum]

[user=19062]daniellemom[/user] wrote:

Everyone,

 How do I get by this weekend. I love and miss her so much!!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

Sonya - Think about all the years between.  They are underpinned by a sadness most definitely.  Twenty two years ago one amazing, beautiful girl came into your life.  It changes you forever. 

I hope this today you will find memories forgotten, smiles that have been hiding and a sense that Danielle is soaring high.

The love never ends........Danielle

 

[julsmom]

I think I added a topic where I shouldn't have.  The forum has changed so much.  Just back again, as we approach the 5 yr. mark (I refuse to say "anniversary").  I see familiar names and new names, all on journey none of asked to be on.  May we all find peace and comfort.  Lynda

[ericasmom]

Beautiful Danielle,

May you smile on your Momma and your whole family letting them feel the essence of you, giving them the gift of your presence in the way you can now. That even in the loss of you, the ever-presence of you remain and is felt, is celebrated, is filled with the glory that you have and will always be...And may you be filled too Danielle, knowing that in each day go prayers to find you, and smiles when your name is spoken, that photos of you are never put away, and that everywhere they go, go you.

Peace in each day, and a grateful heart for the day that brought you to the loving arms of your Momma, Sonya.

Love to you Sonya

Dee

 

 

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

Hey All,

I am in my hotel room after a lovely day in Plymouth, a rehearsal dinner on the waterfront this evening. My husband brought his lap top and so I get to visit with you while he is fast asleep. Yesterday we flew into Boston and walked around the city and met with two nephews for a great seafood dinner. My Son, JOn, and his girl, Shannon, came with us and it is so dear to spend time like this with them. We drove into Cohasset today, where my sister-in law used to live and where Jonathan spent time as a kiddo with his cousins. Such a great little town. Carol is the Mother of the groom, and the sister of my former husband, Michael. Michael could not make the trip due to his illness, but he is glad that we are all here to celebrate his nephews wedding. Carol and I have remained close. Carol is Eri's God-Mom. Anyhow, it is lovely being here and spending time wandering through this beautiful area.

Kathy, I am so glad that Tavian has a teacher with good insight into his little spirit. Going back into therapy is a great decision I think. It is just another tool to help your little guy find his footing in this new world, helping him find ways to live his best life. You are a source of great love and foundation for him...and now you are taking the steps to help him locate his strength and his bruises, and to learn how to best deal with upsets and joy. Life is so tricky when we are swept away by loss, but you are helping see that there is help out there in the big world. Just like we have found in this place.  My hat is off to you My Dear.

I am going to bed with prayers and hope for us all.

Dee

[lagrangel]

Sonya,

Just remember how our Life would have been without the presence of our beautiful children. I know their life may have been short but what we had in those short years are so very special and cherished in our life. May you remember the good and wonderful times that you had with your beautiful daughter, Danielle and celebrate her life on this special day. I know it is difficult on these special dates but I know she brought so much into your life. My prayers are with you today!  Love, Lana

 

Happy Birtday DANIELLE!!!!!

 

 

 

[johnnysmama]

Happy Birthday Danielle!

Sonya

May your heart fill to overflowing today with Danielles love. Know she is with you today and everyday. I seem to get through days like that by thinking as hard as they are and it doesn't seem right, I wouldn't trade never having my child for the pain. We only had them for that short time but look at all the blessings they gave us! Try hard as you might to celebrate those blessings she gave you today. Celebrate to honor your beautiful, sweet Danielle. Know we are all here praying and thinking about you and her today. We are here to help you through. I am lighting a candle in her honor to represent her eternal light in your life-forever burning, love forever with you.

Take care and BIG hugs to you and ---Danielle, have a good party with Johnny and the other kids here!

Love, Kay

[johnnysmama]

Kathy

It is nothing you did or didn't do with Tavian. I think you are wonderful and very loving with him. He is so little and what resources does he have or know how to use for his grief? We seek professional help, or groups or BI. But someone that age just has his actions. He is just trying to get out what he needs to get out. Not because he is mean-just hurting inside and that is all he knows to do. You are perfect in seeking help from his teacher, professionals, friends. You are using resources we adults have FOR him since he can't. My hat is also off to you for being so intune with him and his needs and jumping on it with all you have! I often think to myself I dont want to be mean and bitter but it would be so easy to become that when you hurt this bad. Actually, can't say as I blame him. I have wanted to punch a couple people myself. Thankfully, I am not a fighter. He is just frustrated with life. Thank goodness he has you and Grandpa to come home to. Because he does he will get through this.

Take care and big HUGS for you and Tavian.

 

Dee

I am so happy you are getting a break away. I know Eri is there with you, too. I too obsess when I leave my class. We are like mothers leaving our babies with a sitter. Sometimes it is more work to miss then to just go in sick-so I usually do. They are cutting teachers here. So Tuesday morning I got 8 new students, 3 new languages(none speak English-lots of cherades). It has been tough-I don't handle stress like I did. Not sure I can do this-this year. At one point when they went to lunch I cried at my desk. We have no support personnel so I am on my own with this big class. Hope I can do it and help all of them this year. I used to be the teacher everyone came to with their problems and now I am not sure I can handle my own. Sorry for the pity party.

Take care and have a GREAT time.

Hugs, Kay

[johnnysmama]

Lynda

I lost my son in a motorcycle accident 18 months ago. I am so sorry for your loss. When is the anniversary mark for you and what is your story?

Take care, Kay