Loss of an Adult Child

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, very cool about the moth.  We have some extraordinary moths and butterflies here too.  There is one moth that is larger than any monarch I have ever seen, and the back of its wings are royal blue--it is breathtaking!  I need to start a phot collection of my other winged friends, I suppose, the moths and butterflies.  We've planted a lot of new things this year and our yard seems to have become recently a superhighway for these winged beauties...

Johnny's Mama, Kay, so glad you were able to go with your daughter to King's Island and celebrate her birthday.  I know it's so hard to motivate.  But it seems once we do, we find blessing in it.  Glad you're back safe and sound.    ~Claudia 

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I would love to stay and chat as it has been a while but just received a phone call from my husband who is at the hospital with his dad and they do not expect him to make it through the night so I need to get Tavian to the babysitter and go to the hospital - I love you all and miss you and say a prayer please. Will write when I can - Kathy

[mikesmum]

Kathy -  Thinking of you, Barry and Tavian.  Prayers, hugs, strength and energy to you and yours. 

Trudi

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy,

Praying for you and your loved ones...  ~Claudia

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy:  holding you and your family close in prayer...keep us posted when  you can.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[daveydow1]

Kay,

So nice that you took your daughter to Kings Island for a day. Did you have

to ride the roller coasters too....YIKES...?  I hate them, but did like them when

I was 16, of course.  I imagine  that special day will live on in your "nice

memory" days. Thanks for sharing, and also for your kind words.

Daveysmom,   Sherry

 

Kathy,

Thoughts and prayers for you & your family. Peace & love.

                     Sherry

[lagrangel]

Claudia,

  Thanks for sharing all the beautiful pictures. The mountains in the background are gorgeous. Please post any of your pictures we can all see what beautiful area you live in. Love, Lana

[summergirl]

Hello to all - first I want to say thank you to all of you for your prayers and thoughts. My husband's dad passed at about 11:55 last night. I had went to the hospital and he was drug induced but I know that he could hear me so I talked to him and told him it was ok to let go, I loved him and Jessica was waiting for him. I kissed him and held his hand for awhile and then I went and picked up Tavian and came home. My husband and the rest of the family were with him when he left this world and I am thankful for that and thankful that I said what I needed to say to him and that I was not there to see him leave, it was something I chose and my husband understood. It has been a tough day with the family and they are doing ok but as we all know it has not yet hit them. The reality of the "forever gone" will come when the service is over and all go back to their "normal" and you are suddenly hit with the emptiness and the realization that it is really true that he is gone. My husabnd is being strong for his mom and younger sister and brother, being the oldest he feels the need to be the strongest and yet the pain in his eyes is so obvious to me, it breaks my heart. The "need to be strong" I can understand but it is I who needs to be strong these next few days when he falls apart, I will be there to see him through.

Before I say good night I want to say to those of you who have had to tell a loved one it is ok to let go I now understand a portion of how you feel - the pain was overwheming to me. My father-in-law was 80 years old and has lived a good long life so on one hand I can say that I understand but on the other hand I still cannot imagine telling my child it was ok to go - my tears fall for all those who have had to make that choice and who have continued on in this world with a strength I am not sure I have. God Bless you all.

Peace be with you and will talk again soon. Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy:  I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband's dad...I am glad that your husband is able to be there for his mom and siblings and that he has you to lean on to renew his own strength.   I think for those of us who have had to tell our child it is okay to go, the strength to “release them" is something that none of us imagine we would have, until we need it...and then it comes from deep down in our hearts, fueled by the love we have for our child, and our pain means nothing when we are faced with theirs.  Telling Mike it was okay to go was like ripping my soul from inside my heart...As I held his hand, I could feel my throat constrict as I started to speak, and I held firm until I knew my voice wouldn't shake when I spoke to him.  The others standing around his bed couldn't do it...and I knew it had to be done, to give him peace.  His courage and love enveloped all of us as we stood there, and when I finally spoke, it was as if someone else were speaking, but I felt my lips move and heard my voice, as though I were a puppet and someone else was doing my motions and my voice.   If I live to be 100, I will never forget that moment, nor the feelings that curse through me even now as I remember.  Tears fall at the memory, but I would not have had it otherwise...my voice was the first he heard whispered in his ear when he was born, and it was the last he heard whispered in his ear when he left us.  Gifts from God, both. 

 I pray for strength for you to be able to comfort your husband and his family as they face the reality of the “forever gone.”   I am glad that you got to say goodbye, and had the opportunity to let him know you cared, one last time. 

love and peace, carol   mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

Kathy - It is said that to lose a parent is to lose our past.  These are the ones who have known us throughout all our years.  To be the eldest son, when a father dies is as you have said to be the strongest.  It is hard to remain so strong when your heart is breaking.  Please know you, Barry & Tavian are always in my thoughts, now more than ever.

Carol - Tears as I read your post.  It is true, you whispered the first sounds to that beautiful boy then whispering the last truly selfless words that he heard.  I can only imagine the inner strength you needed to bring yourself to be able to let him go.

 

[daniellemom]

Kathy,

My prayers are with your family. I'm glad you were able to tell him good-bye. My grandfather died 3 weeks ago and before he left I asked him to tell Danielle hello and tell her how much I love her. I'm sure Jessica and her grandfather have a lot to catch up on.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[ericasmom]

HI All,

Kathy, my heart to you and Tav and Barry, may the pain of letting him go also bring you the magic of his freedom.

I so understand what you are saying Carol, the first and the last voice for Eri as well. I told her the first day of her stint in the Trauma Center that if she needed to let go to go ahead, that we would understand it all one day and that she was not to stay a minute longer than she new was best. Each day i walked to her and said, "blue-sky Eri, it is a blue-sky day, good day to fly..." I did not want to determine when ERi left, I wanted her to have that control, but it was not to be and we let her go after 6 days of waiting to see if it could be her letting go. I heard my voice that last hour, when all was unplugged, no more measures of my girl, just us together saying goodbye to the girl of our dreams. Let go Erz, it's okay, you are not disappointing us, don't let our tears hold your wings down, let yourself rise up and fly, we will always have you with us, let go and fly Erica Eileen, and smile on us, let us do good things in this world in your name and energy. Even her brother said, " it's okay to leave ERi, I know you love us, I love you forever, you are the best sister in the whole world, but you can't live like this, so go on now and be careful."

Oh life is filled with memories that make me cry.

Kay, thanks for what you said, so sweet. I am very happy that you went to King's Island with your Girl. i know how hard it is to take on such an endeavour, but you did it for love, and I know not only did she benefit, and you too, your Johnny smiled on you as you shared this special day. Sometimes we force ourselves to undertake something that we know is going to be hard, and we are made better for it. How is school Kay?

Sonya, good to see you here, miss you.

Claudia, I agree,, a photo album would be a good idea with all that you have visiting. Won't it be a joy to add new species to your list of critters. Bless you as the spring unfolds and warms your spirit.

Trudi, a hug from me and did I miss what your job decision is?

Peace all,

Dee

[daveydow1]

Dee,

Dear friend, I had tears in my eyes while reading your last post. Of course,

we don't get to choose, and no one ever wants to be on this road, but I

can only think how terrible it would be to have to tell a dearly beloved

son or daughter to let go and wing their way to heaven. My husband and I

were not there at the hospital when our Davey passed. We were out of the

area (60 mi. away for the day) when Davey's little white soul went to the

heavenly place. We were met by the highway patrol at our house when we

got home., and they told us.  Our children will always be with us. That is

something that no accident, illness, or other reasons can take from us

here at BI.  So I say....Bless all the little white souls of ALL of our children,

and may they smile down on us all the rest of our lives.

 

Kathy,

So sorry for your loss of your dear father-in-law. May he rest in peace.

Peace to you & all your family.

 

                    daveysmom,   Sherry 

[mom2sarah]

Eternal God Eternal God, who sends consolation to all sorrowing hearts,

we turn to You for solace in this, our trying hour.

Though bowed in grief as our loved one departs from our midst to enter into peace of life eternal,

we reaffirm our faith in Your compassion and Your ever-present love.

May we bear our sorrow with trustful hearts,

and knowing You are near, may we not despair.

Into Your hands we commend the spirit of our beloved.

Body and soul are Yours, O God,

and in Your presence we cast off fear and are at peace.

"There is no death, what we call death.

Is but surcease from strife;

They do not die who we call dead,

They go from life ... to Life."

[mom2sarah]

To all those who are broken and in the process of healing.

Prayer for Those Who Suffer For those who suffer,

and those who cry this night,

give them repose, Lord;

a pause in their burdens.

Let there be minutes

where they experience peace,

not of man

but of angels.

Love them, Lord,

when others cannot.

Hold them, Lord,

when we fail with human arms.

Hear their prayers

and give them the ability to hear You back

in whatever language they best understand.

Margaret A. Davidson

I really felt close to Sarah in this poem!

Why are you crying? Do you think I'm gone?

I haven't left you. I'm where I belong.

 Anytime you are lonely... anytime you are sad...

 anytime that your heart breaks... anytime you are mad...

all you have to do is close your eyes and I'll be there with you.

You see the world may take my body but that's all that it can do.

When Jesus died upon the cross, He took away our sins.

He conquered death so we can live in heaven where life begins.

Don't stop the memory of the times we shared.

It's God way to help you through.

Take time to laugh when life gets hard the way we used to do!

A smell? A touch? The morning sun?

They all will help you see I never left. I'm still there.

Now smile once more for me. Live each day. Keep looking up. My life was not in vain.

 I finished the task I was born to do.

That's why I couldn't remain.

Until I see you again -

I love you forever and always.

[summergirl]

I just lost my entire posting!!!

Dee and Carol - your words brought me to tears, I cannot imagine having to do what you had to do for your child yet the words "the first words and the last words" fill me with strength. Sherry is right when she says we do not get to choose - I never thought I would answer the door to the police standing there knowing in my heart what they were going to say and yet my mind allowing me to believe otherwise.

Sonya - I am sorry about your grandfather but it brings some joy to our hearts to know the our girls are with their grandfathers now. I keep picturing Jessica with her grandfather introducing him to all of the other precious Angels she has come to know.

Trudi - how right you are - to lose a parent is to lose the past and yes Barry is being the strong one, being the oldest he is taking care of all and I must say he is holding up well. He told me last night that he was happy his dad is now at peace, he could not stand to see him suffer as he was.   To lose a parent is to lose the past and to lose a child is to lose the future.

Tavian started first grade today and he sais he liked it so much he did not want to come home!!  All it takes sometimes is words from an innocent child to brighten your day. I spent a quiet evening at home with him as he was very upset and anxious yesterday up at my mother-in-laws house - he kept looking at everyone and I could see that he did not want to be there. I do not want him to have to go through any of this so he will be going to his other grandmother's tomorrow evening and stay through Sunday. She will keep him busy and I will feel better knowing he is there.

As I got in my car today, after taking Tavian inside and doing the "mommy" thing, I began to pull out when right in front of me was Jessica's car - we had sold it shortly after she passed - I began to cry as I knew it was her way of letting me know that she was there with Tavian and I as he began the first day of first grade!! I have only seen her car 2 other times.

Thank you all for your prayers, you give me strength and courage when I need it the most and even when I am feeling strong you all make me stronger. God Bless and peace - Kathy

Jessica my girl I miss you so much - I know that your grandpa is with you now and you are having a good time talking.  I still do not know how to do this, I try every thing to move on the way everyone tells me to but I still want you here with us - I love you so much and I know that you are with me and watching over Tavian but I wish that some wishes really did come true because if they did you would be walking in my door right now. My love, my heart - mom

 

[johnnysmama]

Dear Carol and Dee

I sit here sobbing-your stories were so touching-how deep a love to be able to let them go-for their sake not your own-the ultimate sacrifice. Know I am sending heartfelt hugs your way.Nothing else I can say that would be enough.

 

Kathy

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your father in law. Jessica is surely showing him the ropes and greeting him with open arms. Now your family has another angel to watch over you. Bless you and I wish you all great strength and some peace.

I love that Tavian loves first grade.  Jessica's car was definately her telling you good job, Grandma and all will be Ok.

 

Dee

School is good. The kids are a great distraction and when not much has importance anymore those kids make me want to get up in the morning. Johnny used to tell me those kids need me. So in his honor I am hanging on to that thought and trying my best. I have one little guy that has many problems. I have decided he needs me the most and I will be there for him. Hopefully, Johnny will help out. How is your year? Is it still hot there?

 

Take care all, I feel we all need each other a lot lately.

Love ya, Kay

[mikesmomrs]

Thank you all for your comforting words...so often they bring me back from the brink...

Kathy; the little hairs on my neck stood up and tears came to my eyes as I read of your seeing Jessica's car...such a wonderful affirmation of your precious daughter's presence as you and Tavian enter this new phase of his life: "real school."  She truly is proud of you and approves of all you are doing for her sweet little one.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[dansmama]

Today is 6 weeks since my 20 year old son, Daniel, went to heaven. I am having a very hard time just bursting into tears and being weepy all the time. I went back to work after about 10 days and that's a good distraction. When does this physical ache stop?? will it?? thank you, Marian

[mikesmum]

Dee - Another Steel Magnolia moment.  To let Eri know the tears were not to make her stay, but to let her go. 

Kathy - Never far away, you Jess just letting you know it okay.  Just couldn't resist taking a peek at her young man, so grown up at the 'big school'. 

Carol - Forgot to say, your house looks lovely.  When is the move?? 

As for the jobs, well what was that about chickens, counting, before they hatch.  Well the offer for the health service was withdrawn.  My reference from my previous employer was 'upgraded'.  Not what they said, moreso what they didn't say.  It was thought that given my 'special circumstances' that it might be in my best interests if we passed this time. 

I guess since Mike took flight I don't have the energy to 'over process' this stuff any more.  I go with the idea that it wasn't meant to be.  So I guess the PR Customer Service will be my connection to the outside world of commerce!

Spring is knocking loudly on my door.  Blossom everywhere, sunshine and a feeling of inner peace that has been lacking over the past 20 months. 

Oh yeah, don't know if anyone else saw the thread for a BI reunion?  Just wondering.

Take Care - Trudi

[daniellemom]

Marian,

I'm so sorry for your loss of Daniel. Six weeks is so very new and I think I was still numb at six weeks and just starting to come out of the fog. It's a life long sentence for us, I've been told it will get softer. It's been almost 11 months since I lost my daugher Danielle she was 21. Her birthday is the 20 of September and I seem to being going backwards and not forwards right now. But the people here at BI are great and have such wonderful words of wisdom.

Come here as ofter as you would like tell us more about your great son Daniel, if you would like. It almost like we all know each others children, even if we never meet them. Be easy on yourself and take one hour at a time for now.

My prayers are with you,

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[johnnysmama]

Marian

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved son, Daniel. You are so new on this journey-the pain is so raw and unbearable. It still is 18 months later for me but it is not quite as raw and unbearable all the time-it does soften-and as you can see you do survive, somehow for the love and honor of your precious child you make yourself. take care of yourself. I wish you courage and peace and know you have found a place where you can say anything. We will listen. We will understand. So sorry for your pain. When you are ready we would love to know Daniel.

Hugs, Kay

 

Sonya

I hear your pain. It doesnt seem right the Danielle is getting older and she is not physically here with you-but know her love is. You are also coming up on the unbelieveable first angel day.How can she be gone a year? It feels like yesterday and forever. Feel free to talk all you want-we are here for you like you are ALWAYS here for us-like Danielle is always in your heart. Take care. Thinking of you, Kay

[ericasmom]

Sonya, I know you have heard it before, read it a zillion times, but now it is you we are talking about and we tend to be hardest on ourselves. As you approach your sweet Danielle's birthday, you will feel yourself unravel, it is the norm anyway, if there could be a norm for folks like us. It was all I could do that first year, that first birthday to not go to Nordstrom and purchase everything Eri would have wanted or asked for or would be surprised by. I went in NOrdstrom and wandered the junior section, weeping, and I am sure that more than one person had the security on the other line of the telephone...just in case the crazy woman with the red nose, weeping over the blouses, got any stranger. I know I heard you say very comforting things to those of us heading toward an anniversary or a birthday and so now I want you to say aloud what you would say to one of us, just like you did to Marian...and direct those loving words to yourself. Sweet Sonya, the Momma that is so beloved by her Girl, her birthday is one of your most joyous days, and here you are having to figure out how to still breathe some days, and her birthday looms like something unnamed. WE are with you Sonya, holding you as you go forward, even when you feel that you are not going forward. Perhaps you can figure something that you would like to do on Dani's Day, even if it is something little and alone, something that makes you feel that it is the right thing for you...I will pray for you as you climb this mountain of hurt.

Marian, I have been on this path for 5  years now, my girl, Erica was 19 when she was driving over a railroad crossing that had a broken crossing, she was hit by an Amtrak at high speed, lived for 6 days and then we had all of the machines unhooked. Life never returns to what it was, and it does get pretty damn low, but I have promised everyone here that it does become a good life again one day. It takes time and it takes motivation to return to finding joy again, many have guilt with that thought. Before any of that can happen, one must first do what you are doing and we applaud your efforts to be reaching out at this early stage. we all know how very much this site has helped us get up the hard roads, and how we are more ourselves here than anywhere else when we lose our Babies. This place does not require a fake smile nor do we want you to stop talking about your Son, we encourage you to go deeply into talking about him, showing you as you do that he will never leave because we keep the spirit of our children alive. We keep a light shining on thier lives as we face their death, we find ways to take them into each adn every day with us secure in our lives for all time while at the same time, taking steps to live our best life in honor of them, and in respect for life itself. God Bless as you enter this time and know that even though we can't hug each other physically, we hug you with our full hearts, the hearts that have been shattered and are rebuilding as we go along.

Trudi, I am thrilled that spring is all about, you actually remind me of spring, a blossom of rare beauty. May you see new things each day and in this your heart begin to feel its new shape. Great that you have the attitude about the job...I tend to believe that it is what is best when something does not happen as we had planned. My heart to you.

Sherri, once again, your phrase, "little white souls" makes me cry and grin at the same time.

Our little white souls,

drifting away from the earth

but never far from us,

for those are the Wonder Babies/ our Babies

and it is in them, that life made sense.

They left, but they did not take it all away,

leaving  huge nuggets of themselves in our hearts.

Ouor little white souls tuck us in as we sleep,

as we once did for them.

 

 Kathy, I was so excited when I read that Jess paid a visit, seeing her car as you left the school where Tav spent his first day...Fantastic, absolutely joyous connection. There she is Kathy, appreciating the work you are doing to raise her sweetest Boy, feeling the way about him as you do, and as you feel about her. She must be so proud of you, her Beautiful Momma. I hope that first grade is a blast for Tavian.

Good night/day to all

Dee

[ericasmom]

Kay, Thanks so much for your sweet self. Your words mean a lot to my heart. Hey, school is hot still, but the weather is changing a bit adn is more managable. Boy do I have a group of kids that find it difficult to listen. I am a pretty fun teacher, we are fairly casual, but when I am giving direction, I of course expect kids to be quiet to both be respectful, and to get the instruction...NOT HAPPENING for about 8 out of 23, which is pretty significant. I am having fun however, and like Marian said, and you mentioned Kay, it is a wonderful diversion to refocus each day on the immediate need in front of you.

Hey, I don't know about a reunion, do tell more...

[summergirl]

Dear all - thank you so much for your words of wisdom once again. Yes, I believe seeing Jessica's car was a big step for me, although the tears came I was also over come with a happiness that she is there and letting me know I am doing a good job, I am as proud of her as I hope she is with me. 

Trudi - so happy that Spring is in the air for you and the flowers are blooming, another sign that life goes on. I am kind of looking forward to the fall and winter as there are many things I want to do and hope I have the energy to complete my list of tasks - my butterfly quilt, my memory book and popcorn and movies with Tavian. Sometimes winter can seem to never end but it is nice to have the change of seasons as it is with our lives now - new changes as each day goes by, some good, some sad but a journey we must walk.  What is it you said about a BI reunion???

Marian, I am so sorry for the loss of your son Daniel. I lost my daughter Jessica from ARVD, very suddenly and totally unexpected on February 18, 2006. She was 26 and left behind a 4 year old son Tavian whom my husband and I now have full custody of. It is such a short time for you and all of us here have been walking this journey for different periods of time. There are those here who have much wisdom and give such strength to those who are new to this long road so please come and talk, talk freely and all of us will help you in any way we can. The first year is still a blur to me but it has gotten "softer" with time, many backward steps and many forward steps, many firsts to endure but you will never feel alone here at BI. I have been a member of this family for just over a year and it has saved my life many times over and given me a strength I never thought I would have as losing my daughter was like losing my own life. Please post again if you want, we are here. 

Very tired tonight but sleep will elude me once again knowing that tomorrow I have to go to the funeral for my father-in-law.  He and my mother-in-law gave money to the church after Jessica passed to buy a prayer book - it has just now been completed and arrived at the church yesterday - my father-in-law was so hoping to be here when it arrived so tomorrow they will bless the prayer book in memory of Jessica during the service, something he will be very happy about. I am taking all of you with me as I will need your strength to get me through another diffacult time in my life. What would I do without you all!!   Love and Peace, Kathy

[ericasmom]

We are all with you, knowing the difficulty involved in attending a funeral after the funerals we all endured for our own children. God bless, and know that you provide a sense of going forward to many here, and in your steps we celebrate the softening of time.

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Marian:  I am also so very sorry for the loss of your precious son, Daniel...you are so new to this journey, and like the others, I have to say that I never thought I would see the time when I would say that to someone else...I still sometimes feel new to this journey...but, yes, it does soften over time...the pain is less raw, less searing, less soul-destroying.  After a time, we can breathe...most days.  We can find joy...some days, and as time passes, we find more joy each day, we become more able to recognize the joy in the little things and more able to feel the joy from the bigger things.   I honestly don't think the "physical" pain ever stops completely...there is a huge piece of us missing from our very hearts...but we become more able to live with the pain as time moves us forward.   Some days will see like a tsunami has hit your heart, but please know that those days will come further and further apart.   

Yuo will find much love and support here at BI, from a group of loving, caring people, who truly understand the pain you feel, and the heart that will never completely heal.  I send you love and prayers for strength to carry you through these initial days of heartbreak, and pray also that you will see the sun shine again, soon.

Trudi:  I also have always felt that things happen as they are supposed to...you will wind up in the job that is the one for you, especially now, with your precious Mike covering your back as you venture forth into your new world. 

I am not sure EXACTLy when we are moving; we are tyring to accomplish it over the month of september.  I know that I am truly dragging my feet, wanting so much to start the new phase of mine and my husband's lives, but just not wanting to turn the key in that lock for the last time...  We really want to be all settled into the new place before the cold weather and ice and snow arrive, so we will boost the effort soon. 

Bonnie:  I have been thinking of you...any decisions/moves on your decision to buy Jason's house yet?  I hope your spirits have lifted some...

Kathy:  will be thinking of you and your family as you pay your last respects to your father-in-law; I do hope the day goes well as can be under the circumstances, and you all find comfort in the love you know you had for him and he for all of you. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

 

[mikesmum]

Marian - I must have missed your post by minutes.  I am so sorry that you have lost your boy.  Six weeks, well I went back to work at four and fell to earth hard.  The connection with my work (Emergency Medical Dispatch) and losing Mike something I couldn't deal with.

As you read through the many posts you will see the rawness, pain, loss and sadness will find its place in your life. It really never leaves but lessens.  Being here helps so much more than you can imagine in the early days.

Its been 20 months since I lost Mike.  He was 31, my first born, my brown eyed handsome boy. 

You really need to be kind to yourself.  Find your way one step, one breath at a time.  There is no timeline, no guide for this journey.  Being here though ensures you are never alone. 

Sonya - Another year, seems to pass in a heartbeat, yet we stand still.  I think, aside from the balloons (which has become my ritual for Mike) being somewhere that I remember him gives me a peace, albeit tinged with sadness, cause I will always want him here with me. 

Carol - I think youre right.  Mike is around.  The right thing for me will eventually find its way to me.  I hope your move is trouble free, aside from the odd penny or punch buggy passing by. 

Dee - thanks.  I wandered around the hills today.  Aside from putting my purse down and leaving it (something about losing ones mind) I enjoyed the daffodils, tulips and pussy willow in brilliant sunshine with just the hint of a cool breeze.  Pussy willow got the tears started...something the kids would bring home for me when they were younger.......

Time to attempt the rest and relax phase of the day.  I don't fight the lack of sleep, I just go with the flow...peace to you all now and always.....Trudi

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Marian, I too am very saddened for your loss, your precious Daniel. I lost my Joey 25 months ago. He was one week from turning 24. Please remember when you feel the darkest darkness and the loneliest of lonely that you have friends here who are ready to listen and be here for you. Those first weeks, months and year I found this web site and my friends here to be priceless. They still are. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Kathy, you are on my heart and in my prayers today...

[mikesmum]

Kathy - My thoughts and energies are with you, Barry and your extended family today (your Friday).

May you find a calm in your heart that eases the memories today at the service.  Will be thinking of you.

Trudi

[stephysteph13]

4everjoeysmom,

i hope your ok i sent u a PM a few days ago. did u get it?

miss u

 

[lagrangel]

Marian,

I am so sad to hear of the loss of your dear son. I am going on 13 months and I can think back to the first several months and did not think I could continue on with my life without our son. Brent was 19 and has a twin brother surviving that looks just like him.  The days seemed so long and hard and so many tears. Try to take care of yourself and just take it hour by hour and then day by day. You will make it through this journey. Please come to BI when you need someone to talk with because we all understand your pain and journey. My prayers are with you, Lana

[mom2sarah]

Another morning dawns and reality of my sweet sarah not being in the world surfaces. I try to remember her as she was or imagine her alive with God and both attempts

make me very sad. The stillness in my home is so very loud telling me I'll never hear my daughter's footsteps as she runs into the house and back out.

  This is another phase of the nightmare that began Aug 2 this year and its expecting much more from me than I think I can give. The constant calls and family coming to

keep me company has ceased and here I sit on a rainy day alone in my own personal Hell. Its getting harder to trust God now as I feel he has quit reassuring me Sarah

is with him. I know He wants me to start walking in what He has shown me but my emotions and selfish nature are getting the best of me.

  How can I go on, how did all of you past this. I have no other children, grandchildren,

only my husband who is sinking with me. This is our lot in life now and I don't know if we will make it. How long will the days of crying be? When will I stop dreading the dawn that I used to love because it brought another day of oppportunity and expectation with it? When will I ever be even halfway normal again.  I am angry because my world has been turned upside down and now I have to deal with it.

  I am sorry that I am such a negative mood as I usually have been a positive in spite of person but today I am weak and in the trenches.

[4everjoeysmom]

Laura, I know exactly where you are. I've been in that same place as you described it. It was so hard to shut out the thoughts and voices that were not Christ-centered. I know your faith carries you. And on this thread, though folks have their faith, it is very different, and so I am sensitive to their coping with loss being different from mine on some fronts--but very like on others. It can be a comfort in terms of sharing the grief and journey, but also a factor of confusion and discouragement when struggling with issues that are a contradiction to my faith. That said, I have learned to respect how everyone grieves similarly, but individually and have found how to discern what and how I share and whether or not it adds or subtracts to someone else's grief journey on a particular thread. I began the biblical centered thread for the purpose of sharing more candidly the journey from the faith-based perspective with others who were like-spirited in faith, which helped tremendously when I had doubts and needed encouragement there. I found that I could not expect others to understand my struggles in faith if they didn't know personally who my faith centers upon. I didn't want to shut myself off, though, from everyone outside of my faith either. There is great value in learning to cope in a world that is a melting pot of varied faiths and core belief systems, but that can be a huge challenge in itself. I had to force myself to not follow my emotional yearnings and to check myself regularly when I felt like I was drifting away from the Lord--thus the biblical thread.

That said, The days and months came crashing in for me after the shock wore off from the initial trauma of losing Joey. What hit me very hard, like you Laura, is the quiet. It was painfully quiet. Joey was always making some kind of noise. He was always active, always talking about whatever, and always making loud, strong footsteps in our lives. Life became very quiet after losing Joey--painfully quiet. In that quiet is where I was truly tested. How did I cope through it? I came here to BI often and wrote a lot. I read a lot. I researched grief extensively, so that I could understand me and why I was or was not responding to life and people in certain ways. I cried a lot. I dwelt a lot on my loss, but also on things of God. Eventually my visions and Hope came alive after a long slumber. It took time. It was a personal fight to go on, even though I didn't want to. It was a lot of forcing myself to reach for the faith that sustained me in good times. I found it is the same faith that sustains me in the valleys as well. But I had to be in The Word, because my emotions wanted to rule me and my decisions, and my emotions and the world wanted to destroy my Hope. Ultimately that Hope carried me and lifted me out of my fog, and found me making my way through the valley, and even to the outer edges, which is where I am now--still in the valley on days, but seeing the green pastures again.

I learned through all of this what I already knew to be true from God's Word. When I focus my thoughts and energy on a cause greater than myself, that is where I find my peace. The challenge is learning to balance riding on the waves of emotions with the truths that had long ago been written on my heart....

Hugs and Prayers, Claudia

[johnnysmama]

Dear Mom2sarah

You are so new on this journey. All your thoughts and anger are sooo normal. It is your new normal for now. As you progress on this journey those days and minutes will lessen and the raw , searing hurt you feel will soften. I know as I thought it never would. It is not to say that I don't miss and think of my son every minute of every day, I just cry less with the memories. There are still many times when that wave of grief is like a hurricane and when I least expect it-it just isnt all the time like it is for you now. Your feelings of anger and questions for God and everyone is also normal. You are hurting so bad and you are so confused how you will survive. We were chatting here not to long ago that we have had to let go of the why our beloved children are gone and focus on the how we will survive and go on in their honor. That is what keeps me going-my love for Johnny which will never die and that I have to honor his short life by LIVING my life-and I am still figuring that part out . Just be easy on yourself. Have no expectations or timelines. It is so hard as others move on. But we are all here with you on this journey. We KNOW your pain. We are traveling alongside you listening and feeling your sorrow. This site is a lifeline. Come here-say what you want, tell us about Sarah. We will listen, we will say her name. We care. We feel your pain with you.

Love and hugs, Kay

 

Mom of Johnny Jan. 30, 1986-March 12, 2007

[mikesmomrs]

Mom2Sarah:  Oh, I wish so much I could sit with you, hold your hand, and let you cry and talk of your pain, so as to help you release some of it, let some of it drain away from you.  We here all know how it feels to be alone, after the family has left, the friends are gone, literally, some of them...people you've loved and who have been in your life as friends for years don't seem to remember you, and people you've just met through this tragedy are suddenly more acutely aware of your pain and reach out to you in ways no friend ever has before. 

Anger is a normal part of this journey, as are questions for God...but the "normal" of your life "before" won't ever return...  You will get past this, and you will find a new normal, one that will always hold the pain of your loss, but one that will allow you to ease, soften the pain, with the wonderful memories you have of your sweet Sarah.  The pit will always be there, and we will likely always be aware of it and fall into it again, but the times will become fewer and the memories will become stronger paths back to the top

We lost our only son, Mike, at the age of 31, on Oct 14, 2006, after he bravely battled brain cancer for 17 months.  That first year of his birthday without him here with us, the pain was more than I could bear, but we knew that we must celebrate his life, and not allow his death to define that life...Mike LOVED his birthday, for days before he would tease us with his requests, even as he got older---creating the "birthday weekend" if it fell on a Fri, Sat or Sunday.  When he got older and had his own place, he would come here and burst through the door, behind his brilliant red beard and big smile, yelling "PRESENTS, where are my PRESENTS," not in a rude way, but in a fun way, teasing us, laughing, hugging us finally and saying hello...spreading his fun throughout the house and into the hearts of everyone here.  With those kind of memories, in his honor how could we do less?  We could not.  And so, despite the tears, the pain, the sadness, we celebrated his life, his joy, his being. 

And you will come to this, also, you will.  The pain you feel now is so very raw and overpowering, but it will soften.  When I first heard those words, I found it difficult to think that it would ever happen, but it has...the pit is still there, and always will be, but the times it opens up before us and seems as if to swallow us, comes less often...

Keep coming here, mom2Sarah, keep writing, keep letting all here help by their very own understanding of your grief.  Come here ten times a day if need be, pour your heart out, let us help you.  You will be in my prayers and thoughts today, and I will continue praying for you as you move further into this journey. 

love and peace,  carol, mikesmomrs

[daniellemom]

Trudi, Kay, and Dee, Everyone

Thanks for your kind words.  We are planning a balloon release for Danielle's birthday with family and friends.  I will try very hard to celebrate her life that day and remember all the wonderful memories that fill my heart and soul.  With fall/winter coming I hope to start working on a memorial site for my beautiful Danielle!! 

I went to couseling on Thursday, my first time and she stated that this is very normal and maybe I have not let myself grieve the loss?  What??  I have not let myself go and grieve.  So her plan for me is that I have to start.  Another thing she said that I was grieveing the lost of James, with him in college and that any form of loss is going to hit me harder right now.  I was not too impressed but I'm going back in two weeks and see if the next session goes better. 

Love and prayers to everyone!

Sonya

[ericasmom]

Momto Sarah,

I am so sorry that you lost your precious Daughter, and so very recentlyYou have come to this site holding out your aching soul and we want to be so careful with you, wrap you in our arms and rock you. All of us wish that we cold just hold you through the rough water, and we will hold you in our prayers, in our thoughts, our wishes, our words...but we wish we could actually hold you, carry you up the jagged road that grief becomes. The road will not always be jagged, but I would echo what Kay has so perfectly stated, that there are no timelines here, your dealing with this enormous loss is without a time, it is as Carol said, a journey that creates a new normal because you will never be just as you once were. We are  changed for all time now, but we do find our way through and find life on the other side of this wave. Right now however, you are in the very start of the hurt adn your daily walk is going to make you wonder why you are here. Please understand that you are here because you are supposed to be. As Claudia has said, try to hang on to the God that was there in all of the good times, he is still there, reach. I think the reach to whatever/whomever we believe in is a very hard reach. It is on some days so much more appealing to let go, to just let go and be washed away, but then we think of our Children, and we know that they would so want us to find our way again, they know it will be along journey, but they are there holding us, hoping for us. You will need to allow yourself the sinking into the abyss, and you will need to find ways to come up for air and light. It is a pattern that you will establish in order to allow the grief,( because there is no way around it, only through it), and to force yourself into the light as well, to make sure that you remember the world around you still exists and that you must exist in it as well. THe quiet? No remedy for it at home, but I went back to work in September after my 19 year old Daughter was killed in July 5 years ago, and I am fortunate as I teach 3rd grade. The needs and noise of these children were immediate, they were there each day and they needed me to direct the day, and I did, some days not at all wanting to be there because I hurt so badly, but for the most part, they saved me from myself. Each day I had a purpose that was greater than myself. I was able to return to my quiet self after they left each day, and I began to feel Erica in my work. She had met each class of kids that I had ever taught, and that first year was hard, they would never know her, but I was wrong. They got to know her through me, through her friends that came to school on occasion to see me, to meet my class as their Buddy once had.

Life unveils itself to you in a new way, but right now? who cares, why would I want this new life? ...but eventually you will feel some direction and you will feel your faith, you will feel Sarah in you and you will, I promise, feel the importance in the day again.

My heart

Dee

Marian, are you still with us, you and MOMTOSARAH arereally starting this journey at he same time.

[ericasmom]

Sonya, we must have been writing at the same time.

I am proud of you to begin counseling. I know you were not too impressed, but you are going  back to see. I think that it is a brave move, and if she is the right person great, and if she isn't there are others, but what she has said so far sounds similar to what my counselor said to me when I went. I am extremely happy that I went, and I stayed for two years, and went back when I had some new rough times with post traumatic syndrome. For the most part, I feel quite strengthened by the time I spent there.

Peace Out

[daveydow1]

Dansmama,

I'm so very sorry for your loss of your dear son Daniel. As others here at

have said---it is so very early on for you on this rough road. Most of us who have been on this road recall only too well how excruciating the pain

of grief is. Each day can seem overwhelming, as you say. Please come

and read/post whenever you feel the need. Everyone feels your pain and

only want to help in whatever small way we can. Bless you and your

husband. As usual, my words seem to me to be so inadequate. Peace be

with you.

                                    Daveysmom,  Sherry  

[daveydow1]

Dee,

Thank you for sharing those poems. Yes.....each and every one of our

departed children are now the  "little white souls" of heaven who are

forever a part of our lives.  Baby Lisa was my first little white soul, and

now Davey is my second.  Every one of these angels will always shine

down on us and be a large part of our lives forever.

 

Mom2Sarah,

Thank you also for the very inspiring poems that you posted. I especially

was touched by the one beginning with  "Why are you crying?".  So very

true and touching to the heart and soul. Peace be with you on this journey,

as you mourn the loss of your dear sweet daughter, Sarah. 

 

                              Daveysmom,   Sherry

[4everjoeysmom]

Sonya, It's good that you are seeing someone to openly discuss your grief. If you find the counselor you are seeing is not working after a few visits, please let me know. I have a dear friend near Ten-Ten Road toward Cary that is tweaking her education for Christ-centered counseling, and I highly respect her. She has had a lot of trial by fire growth in her own life to achieve a great level of wisdom. I would be happy to make a recommendation is you ever need one. Love, Claudia

[johnnysmama]

Sherry

I am sure you have told everyone here but I am sorry I forget. Could you tell us about baby Lisa? If you want to. I get so much here from your compassion that I feel bad that I don't know your whole story.

Take care, Kay

[mikesmum]

Sonya - I think the counselling is a good thing.  I have been with my psych for 16 months.  I'd  talk about lack of sleep, dreams, no motivation and pretty much thought that was the grieving process.   About 4 months ago I was telling him how I found myself crying at the strangest times for no reason. I nearly fell off the chair when he said, you have finally begun to grieve the loss of Micheal.  "Are you kidding me, what have I been doing then"???  I think I might have said that really really loudly to him that day. lol 

Much of the first year apparently is taken with disbelief, shock if you like.  Reality slowly sinks in and the grief begins.  It took some time to get my head around it, like most things nowadays, but I think its true.  The grieving process is slow and protracted, hindered by shock & circ**stance.  I am of the belief that you need to feel comfortable and if you like 'at one' with your counsellor, if not move on to someone who gets you.

Sherry - your words are far from inadequate.  Each post here has a significance, you are part of this process of healing for those who come.  I am sorry to hear you lost Lisa, another 'little white soul'.  Its a loss that never truly leaves. 

Mom2Sarah - It is hard to imagine losing the one child in your life.  Another mum here, Bonnie, has lost her only child, Jason.  Her story like yours humbles me.  I have been blessed to still have Melissa, Steven and their babies.  Mike has a daughter, though unfortunately her mother has cut ties with his family, but she is still part of him.

Carol says it best, the normal you once knew has gone, its with Sarah.  You will in time find a new normal. When & how no one knows. Finding a new normal doesn't mean  that Sarah is forgotten.  It means the rawness and the depth of pain will ease and find it place in your life - and it will eventually.

The missing - well that stays forever.  Its the little everyday things that hit you  when you least expect it.  For me its never hearing Mikes voice. "Whatcha doing", my reply "talking to you".  The bear hugs when he saw me, the 'love ya mum' for no reason.  Its the not being able to catch up with him as I do his siblings.  I even miss the times when we disagreed, something to do with being alike, I always knew we could talk it out.

The stories here have many similarities.   The inspirational people on this site get where I am.  They know the importance of 'just being'.  The need for a mother or father to hear their childs name to be able to speak openly of their child, their loss and their dispair.  I know that all that goes a long way to help me honour my son, by living on as he would want, no matter how hard it may seem.

So come often.  Share when you can your beautiful daughter, she is so much more than the day she left..........Trudi

Micheal Shane - So many mothers & fathers lost without their children.  Hopefully you have found each other as we have and soar with your energies freely.   Not a day goes by without you in my thoughts.  My heart stops briefly as I catch my breath for one more step.   Pussy willow is out, spring is coming.  Looking for you riding the cool breeze...Love you my son my son. 

Not sure if I have posted this. It was a 'stolen' picture of Harmony June 2007.  The occassion, her mum held a ceremony to marry Mikes ashes.  Brown eyed girl......miss you so much.

[ericasmom]

Trudi Dearest,

you say it all so well, and your brown-eyed wonder looks like and carries her Daddy with her. He soars.

[ericasmom]

sherry,

your heart is as huge as the day and I so appreciate your comments as they come directly from that giant heart. It serves to show those new to this route, that hearts do rebuild over time, to encompass all that went before as well as all that is in each day.

My heart to you,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Dee - Your heart lightens mine each day with your spirit and energy.  Its Fathers Day here.  I know in my heart Mike is with her as always.  Just sad he is missing the burnt toast and lukewarm coffee nearly 3yr olds make for Dads on their day......Take Care

[ericasmom]

HAPPY DADDY DAY MIKE,

knowing always that your love will live on and on.

[mamabets]

[align=center]A HAPPY DADDY'S DAY, MIKE~[/align]

[align=center]As my father used to say...[/align]

[align=center]"Every Day Is Father's Day"[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Much LOVE always~[/align]

[align=center]Mamabets and Angel Danny... My little wink from here, there and everywhere [/align]

[johnnysmama]

Trudi

Mike's little angel looks like she is wearing wings! I am sure he is with her today as he is everyday watching over his beautiful little girl and watching over his Mom.

 

Your words about grieving really hit home. I wondered too why some days now feel harder than some early on-i think it is more real now and my biggest struggle is trying to find my way in this new life without Johnny.It is my struggle I am fighting everyday. I still feel a lot of the world is on a one way street and I am on it going the wrong way. Once in a while I get off on an exit and maybe smile or laugh-but then it is back on the road the wrong way in a one way.Maybe we are building a new road as grieving parents,for this journey. I don't know but my feet really hurt.

 

Hang in there, Kay