Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Hey Kay, I love the term ' little white souls' coined here by Sherry...so perfect. Glad you like the flowers, this years bounty was/is amazing. Some so late in blooming while others very early but right now, some of the tallest plants we have ever grown. The tomatoes are just now coming ripe, rather late, and the yard is filled with yellow swallowtail butterflies. Some nice visits from the hummingbirds as well.

Claudia, how lovely, new pups. Do Akitas have the curl in thier tails when they are born? How many babies? Yes, new life to breathe into the lives all around. Claudia, perhaps you have discussed it before when I was not here that much but perhaps not, how did you decide to travel to Equador? Were you doing outreach work in the states? I love the way you described your upbringing and your stepping into the uppermiddle class adn then back down by choice. How did you make that choice?

Sleep is calling and soon I will be to bed earlier and earlier as I begin to get up at 5:30 again in my school mode.

Love you all,

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

Claudia:  I went looking into a box of “odds and ends” that I have been putting things into that I didn’t want to lose track of, and lo’and behold, there was the booklet I was referring to.  And, of course, I was instantly reminded that time does change our memories, and a couple of details of my posting were not accurate.  Nothing that changed the essence of what I said…just a few small things like dates, and also, most importantly, the name of the booklet.  I had said it was “The Daily Word” and instead it is “Our Daily Bread.”  I had also said it was a few weeks after Mike’s passing that I came across the passage, but it was actually closer to his first angel date anniversary.  (the experience with what I felt was a visit from his spirit, though, was just a few weeks after)   The biblical reference, listed on the side of the posting, was “I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, high and lifted up.”  ---Isaiah 6:3  the rest was paraphrased as follows:  “A person can easily feel inadequate when talking with bigger-than-life people.  We can even develop an awe and respect for athletes and other stars that make us feel insignificant.  But, that’s nothing when compared to what Isaiah saw “in the year that King Uzziah died.”  (Isa 6:1)   Isaiah experienced something so magnificent and terrifying that nothing could compare to it---he stood face-to-face with God!”

“In a vision, God showed Isaiah who He really was. What the prophet saw greatly affected him.  He saw God’s majesty.  He gained a fresh understanding of God’s holiness.  He saw the contrast between his sinful self and God’s perfection.  He heard God’s call to service, and he answered it.” 

As I had written in my earlier post, the significance of this statement of “so magnificent and terrifying” was so important to me at the time, because of remembering the look of terror in Mike’s eyes as he breathed his last breath…my first thought at the time was “what could have frightened him so?  After all, if he were meeting God, why would he have looked so afraid?  Another event related to this coming upon this devotion was that right next to that reading, on the opposite page, the previous day’s reading was a quote and devotion based upon the 23^rd Psalm, which is the prayer that Mike’s dad read with him nightly, the week before Mike’s passing.

It just seemed that all of this was set in motion for me to come upon, at a time when I really needed this reinforcement.  I've tried to copy the page into this posting, but the typeset got a little mixed up, so it doesn't look quite the same.

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[align=left]October 14 Sunday

FACE. To. FACE

READ:

Isaiah 6:1-10

I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, high and lifted up. -Isaiah 6:J]

Being face-to-face with famous people can take your breath away. As a, sportswriter, I've. interviewed basketball stars David Robinson and Avery Johnson. And I've stood in a garage with Joe Gibbs, racecar owner and pro football coach.   A person can easily feel inadequate when talking with bigger-than-life people. We can even develop an awe]and respect for athletes and other stars' that make us feel insignificant.

But that's nothing when compared to what Isaiah saw "in the year that King Uzziah died" (Isa. 6:1). Isaiah experienced something so magnifi­cent and terrifying that nothing could compare to it-he stood face-to-face with God!

In a vision, God' showed Isaiah who He really was. What the prophet saw greatly affected him. He saw God's majesD'. He gained a fresh understanding of God's holiness. He saw the contrast-between his sinful self and God's perfection. He heard God's call to service, and he answered it.

Today, we can see God in His Word and in the Spirit's work in and. through us. And we can commune with Him through prayer. But one day in heaven we will see our Lord face-to-face (1 John 3:2). Now that will take our breath away! ~Dave,Branon[/align]

[align=left]Face to face! 0 blissful moment! Face to face-to see and know; Face to face with my Redeemer­Jesus Christ who loves me so. -Breck[/align]

[align=left]                                   God's awesome presence is both convicting and comforting.[/align]

 

[mikesmomrs]

PS:  to all:  I love sharing these instances of "experiencing" our children with us...I think that when we read about others' experiences, it tends to give us even more of a lift from the sorrow we carry from missing our children so. 

I also love the flowers, and the new life of Claudia's puppies and the joy all of these experiences of "creation" bring...our children have brought us here, to be together, to share, to carry, to love. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol,  That was the exact Scripture I had imagined was referenced.  There is a beautiful worship song we used to sing in church that covered that set of Scriptures...  so beautiful (and comforting) as it comes to my mind.  I can see how very conforting that was for you given your personal experience.  I believe that was a gift from God.

Dee, It's kind of a long story...  but the very short is that my husband and I had a 5 week whirlwind romance before we were married.  It was very quick, and both of us felt the draw from God.  Believe it or not, shivalry is not dead.    We danced (its how we met--he having formerly danced competitions) and had wonderful times together, but waited until we were married for the most intimate details...  how romantic and nearly unheard of at 38 years old, huh?  LOL!  Anyway, a couple of weeks before we were married he explained to me his lifelong (since college) dream/vision of working in the mission field in a Spanish speaking country.  He figured at that point it would either send me running or show my sincerity--the true test.  I vowed my place would be wherever he went.  (I figured it would be later in life, like closer to retirement....was I ever wrong.)  Two years after we married I began to earnestly pray for God to strip me and use me for His purposes.  I prayed that a lot as I commuted each day to and from work.  Over a 2-year period following the start of that prayer God changed my attitude and heart in an almost 180 degree turn.  I stopped shopping--I was a shop-a-holic.  I was all about being in control.  I was vain and materialistic, but then began to "pare down" in lots of areas.  I began to unabashedly share God and what He was doing in my life with others--surprising many folks, I'm sure.  And opportunities for ministering to others in numerous and various ways began to surface.  (All of this fairly quick and life-changing in the grand scheme of things----a misfit of youth spinning in lots of directions through young adulthood, to finally settle on God's ways, not mine.)  We had planned Haiti missions, and in the last month before travel there was an uprising that caused all N Americans to be evacuated.  That was really disappointing, but ultimately God had other plans for us.  Michael visited a friend in Quito in Oct 2005.  He met a missionary couple (where we are now--in the Rainforest) and ultimately was offered to take-over the ministry they had going as they felt God leading them elsewhere and knew without hesitation Michael was sent for this reason.  All the while I was at home feeling the tug in my heart, and I knew it was time to prepare.  The next month at Thanksgviing we announced our plans to family.  Two months after that in January Michael returned to Ecuador, while I stayed behind until May to settle up the sale of th ehouse, 3 cars, my career, everything we owned, etc--and that was that.  We had loots of affirmation along the way that it was God's calling.  Our house sold within 24 hours of being listed and to the first looker.  Our cars sold very quickly, mine being the last one and at a community yard sale, no less, where most of the sale-able items I had also went quickly.  I resided for a couple of months in the beautiful lakeside horse ranch home of a dear friend, and was baptized in her pond by my husband on his return trip to collect me, a week before we left for Ecuador.  His dream come true, and my newly dedicated life...  There is a lot that went on in between all of that and after that challenged our steadfastness, yet affirmed our position at the same time.  I have probably struggled more than Michael, because of obvious reasons and the adjustments I've had to make being here are expansive at times.  But overall, I know it's our calling and place, and I would do it all over again--even knowing what I know now that I didn't know then.  When I look back now I see how much I was being called even 5 years before I met my husband.  But then I met a horribly influencial man that I spent 4 years with backsliding and running away from God.  He was agnostic.  It's so peculoar how life turns....  Two years and 3 months of being here now and I have never felt more free in my spirit.  Every opportunity to the tiniest detail to do something to help someone in poverty and need fills me like nothing I have ever known before.  I never thought I would ever know a Claudia that would say that getting my hands dirty in ministry work beats shopping any day.  I still enjoy a good indigenous market now and then, but praying with and working beside the brokenhearted and poor is my joy now.  My family is wonderfully supportive and technology allows us to stay very close---I am VERY thankful for that.

Well, that turned out rather long, and that;s just the Reader's Digest condensed version...  the whole story is a novel. 

The puppies and mama are doing great today. We have just the 3.  I plan to post some photos on my Facebook soon....  Love and Blessings, Claudia

P.s.  The Akitas tails don't curl for several weeks after they are born.  Then they all of a sudden get fuzzy, and the tails curl, and they grow like weeds.  Rambo is almost as big as his mom now at 7 months.

 

[mamabets]

For ericasmom~ These MAGNIFICENT red lilies  have grown twice now in our angel garden... Springtime~

 

I mean, GORGEOUS and EVERYWHERE throughout...

The REAL beauty in these is that I never planted a "bulb"... I never question, I just go with the miracles~

They look just like the picture below!!

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

[ericasmom]

CArol, what a great find at this point, a lift once again when it is needed. That is divine isn't it?

Betts, the reds are gorgeou, we had many oranges like this as well, but to have never planted a bulb...divine again.

This day is all about divine...divinity-

Claudia, your condensed story is inspirational, I should think the long version would be a best seller. Amazing changes in your life, and so lovely that you are able to look over your shoulder to see the path that led you. Keep writing.

I agree with Carol, we are all here to learn and share and lift each other, and the stories we have shared show us how dearly important this connection is. Our children are smiling on our association.

Love and may the day open your spirits to more,

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

There may be a day for a book...who knows?

Thought I would share some flora from our garden here.  They are called Tears of Gold.   So much natural beauty...

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

How very lovely all the flowers you have. I especially love the red

lilies---mums and yellow lilies are beautiful too. Our flowers (in pots)

did very well this year. Must be a good season---beautiful flowers

everywhere you look.  Thanks for sharing those lovely pictures. They

look so real you could reach out & touch them !

                             Daveysmom,   Sherry

[daveydow1]

Claudia,

  Tears of Gold flowers also very exotic & lovely. Flowers makes a

heart feel   "warm & fuzzy".  Thanks.

                     Daveysmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Claudia, love those tears of gold, they remind me a bit of butterfly bush. I have a couple young ones and they have tha tcoloration.

If ever I feel lacking in inspiration or guidance, I go to the garden or to the forest, somewhere that defies disbelief in a greater order.

Love,

Dee

[johnnysmama]

Claudia

I love your life story. I am truly amazed by you and your sacrifices. I don't know what else to say I am blown away with your life and your devotion to God and the poor and suffering. thank you for sharing your life's work with us. Truly amazing. Joey has to be so proud.

 

Would LOVE to see puppy pics. I have 2 pugs-one my husband gave me 2 weeks after Johnny passed. I have cried many tears in their fur and their unconditional love has helped me a long this journey so much-a lot like all of your unconditional love-helps me get up in the morning.

Hugs, Kay

[summergirl]

Hello to all - problems with logging in - it does not recognize my new "jessmom" and went back to summergirl!! Guess I will figure it out.

So many beautiful photos of flowers - lifting my spirit on a day that has been very tearful for me and no warning - major meltdown, cried until there was nothing left inside, leaves me weary. I go days without crying and then without warning I am in such a sad state that I cannot function. Everything I did today was all wrong, nothing made me happy and poor Tavian kept giving me that look that said "mi-mi is going to cry"!!!   My husband's birthday today so maybe just thinking how Jessica would be here for cake etc. hit me harder than I thought. I feel as though I have missed out on so much with her, 2 years 6 monts and 6 days today and I feel as though it was yesterday and on the other hand as though I have not seen her for a lifetime. I miss my girl so much and wonder if I will ever be truley "happy" again.

Tavian is very excited about camping this week - the camper is there and we will go tomorrow or Tuesday - tomorrow is school shopping day for the 2 of us and I hope to have fun with him and not let my "jess should be doing this" get in my way - I will try to think of her as being with us as we shop and make it a Tavian special day. Of course the first thing Tavian said is we must go to Toys-R-Us so he can buy something to take camping - boys and their toys, they never out grow it.

I have a webcam built into my new computer and used it last night for the first time - talked to Jason and Jen and I could see them and baby Madison Jessica - it was so great to see them and talk to them over a computer!! It is nice as we do not get to see them as often as we would like so being able to see little Madison on my screen smiling and making baby noises is so nice.

I am going to see my family at the end of September - I am afraid to fly but it is the only way to travel as it is 1300 miles away!! I will be strong as I do not want Tavian to see my fear as he will then be afraid. I remember when I used to do that with Jessica, never let my own fears show as I always wanted her to experience life without the fears that I had - seemed as though my mom was afraid of alot of things and sad that it was passed down to me - although I have overcome alot of the fears I once had since I lost Jessica.

So many things change after the loss of a child, you look at everything differently - see things you never saw before and think in a totally different way. I no longer feel as though I have to be everyone's friend, I do not have to make everyone else happy, I can say no, I can be who I am and not worry that I am making someone else mad and most of all I am who I am now and that is not the same person I was when my daughter was here and if people do not like it or accept it then "oh well".

My sister-in-law that was married to my brother who passed away 6 years ago has found a new person in her life, he has moved in with her and he seems to be so good for her, she is very happy with him. I mention this because at first I was a little upset that someone was taking "Billy's" place but after some serious thoughts I realized he is not being replaced, Carla deserves someone to be happy with and to love and I know she will always love Billy, however, on the other hand I thought that will never be me, I cannot find another daughter to love, I cannot meet someone who will make me happy and let me sort of "start over" - does that make sense?? I am rambeling and I apologize - just the way my day has been.

I miss you all so much - I have missed so much and feel as though I am trying to catch up with all of you and somehow seem to be falling behind!!  I need to slow down and take a deep breath and things will be brighter tomorrow.  Peace to all and love, Kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Sherry, Dee and Bets--like you all, I sure do love the flowers.  Where I live the orchids grow wild in the trees, attached to various moss and algeas.  The number of varieties and colors is countless.  I think I read somewhere once that much of the U.S. orchid imports come from Ecuador.  We also have tons of bromiliad and air plants all over the trees as well.  It truly is quite a sight out here, especiall noy as the orchids all seem to be flowering at once.

Kay, I'm glad my story is insipring to you.  It is my hope that my life can make a difference in someone else's and hopefully many.  I can't think of a greater purpose than to follow this call for his glory.  I look forward to meeting up with Joey one day and getting to tell him all about the beautiful blessings and stuff I got to do as a result of things I learned by being his mom.  Bless you, Claudia

[ericasmom]

Kathy,

sounds like a really hard day but as we know, this journey has them when we least expect. It sounds like your husband's birthday triggered something in you, and because you have not been able to talk here lately, you have a great deal of pent up stuff to say. This family is greatly missed when we cannot login and join the conversation. Take that deep breath and take your time reading some of the posts, you will catch up and feel more relaxed. There is no urgency, and yet I know we have that sense more easily now.

My wish for you then is to sleep very deeply and wake refreshed and start tomorrow differently.

Claudia, the flowers there are lovely, photos I have seen. My Erica went to Cost Rica the summer between Junior and Senior year in high school. The photos are great adn the time she spent was a fabulous expereince.

Love to All,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Claudia, your area sounds beautiful!! Any chance you'll post pictures?

My husband and I spent the weekend in Santa Fe, New Mexico. There's something almost spiritual about that place to me ...... I didn't want to come home.

Kathy, good to have you back!

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Another quote I read this morning:

You are an unrepeatable miracle.

~Diane Roger

Don't we feel this way about all of our children?

Bonnie

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, YES!!  I believe we do...  feel that way about our children.

And yes, I will likely post a few photos for all the nature/flower lovers.  I am running on limited/generator power right now--since noon yesterday.  A wood pole rotted and fell between our lines and the highway, so they are supposed to bring a concrete pole and replace it--tomorrow.    Thank God some folks were really kind and blessed us with a generator this past March.  At least we won't lose our refrigerated and frozen items.  Funny thing is, though, the shower draws to much power to the heating unit and kills the genrator.  Back to th eole bathing and washing hair in the kitchen sink bit...  LOL!  Ah the reminders of simple life and how blessed I was to be raised in the States.

[mikesmum]

You are an unrepeatable miracle.

Bonnie - I remember being lost in each miracle.  Their tiny features, their instinctive ability to snuggle, the fact that I was part of that was something nothing can take away......

Kathy - Welcome back.  It times like birthdays, Christmas etc..that we notice even more that our beloved baby is missing.  A grandbaby in grade 1!  Time certainly doesn't stand still.

For all those in the flush of flowers, sun and gentle breezes.  We have the first signs of Spring.  I hope these come through.......We planted a row of Birch given to us by Steven about 2006......Underneath the daffodils planted by the Granbabies.....

[mikesmum]

Couldn't find a better garden gnome........eyes closed basking in the sun........

[heartbeataway]

What a sweet picture! Basking in the sun surrounded by daffodils.

I'm loving the pictures! And jealous of your spring time!!

Bonnie

[johnnysmama]

Trudi

What a sweet baby dog!

 

Bonnie

Glad you found a comforting place and love the quote-so true, so true our little white souled miracles...

[daveydow1]

Kay,

I agree that pets give us so much peace and solace with their love and

presence. My cat comes and sits by me and wants petted----then she

purrs. The calming eeffect she has on me is so nice. Whenever I have

a particularly blue day, she always comes to me & purrs.  Dogs, cats,

and any kind of pets are a blessing, and a balm for the aching heart.

Peace to you.

                    Daveysmom,  Sherry

[daveydow1]

Trudi,

Such a darling little puppy.  I love puppies---(who doesn't)? What breed

is she?  She is perfectly marked too.  Also lovely flowers. Thanks for sharing.

        Daveysmom,    Sherry

[daveydow1]

Claudia,

It must be wonderful to see orchids growing in the wild. I have always

loved them and their fragrance.  Davey had a friend, Betsy, who was in

the U.S. but had come from Equador to go to college here.  I believe she

was from Guyaquele (spelling is probably incorrect).  She was a lovely

girl.  The abundance of many flowers, vines, and other plants is such

a nice thing for you, there in Equador doing your wonderful mission.

Thanks for sharing.  Peace be with you.

      Daveysmom,  Sherry 

[heartbeataway]

Have you ever had an evening that started out innocent enough and took a turn that put you a mile back in your grief journey and left you pondering all the unanswered questions again?

Friends invited us out tonight for dinner. We met at a Japanese steak house. It started okay. Then the cook came out and started his little routine, he was flipping small bits of food for different ones to catch in their mouth.

This took me back to the night that Jason and I went out to eat. We went to a Japanese Steak House because we could get in without a wait. Jason's first time to a Japanese Steak House. He was really good at catching the tossed tidbits in his mouth! At one point, his jar went backwards into the floor but he caught the tidbit!!

Then, my friend was talking about her children, her son was getting his football pictures taken this weekend. She talked about him playing football, etc.

I remember those days ....... seems like last month.

I cannot believe he's really gone ........ forever gone. He's alive in my memory. I've never missed him more.

How can he be gone??

Jason's Mom, Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Melissa, my daughter is almost through her nursing training.  Shopping today, an older woman collapsed and she gave aid.  She made the lady comfortable and spoke with the emergency call centre to ensure there was an ambulance on the way.   There was a brief period where the woman became unconscious and her breathing was undetectable.  

We arrived home from a night in the city and were checking the messages when I heard Mal say, no I'm off today, I'll get your mum.  The phone hadn't rung, Mal was listening he thought to Melissas message and got quite a start when she began talking to him.........

As I listened to her I could hear the self doubt ....did she do the right thing....did she do enough.......could she have done more.....why did she feel so sick?  We talked for an hour.   I guess she wanted to know she did everything she could within her training, environment and experience.....Funny how talking with her made me realise thats exactly how it was that day with Mike......Everything  on that day that could have been done was done.

Bonnie - Yep it can take a downward spiral in just a blink of an eye.  Something will twig a memory, touch that raw space that never heals......someone will speak of their life, just like you or I would have before......It doesn't take much and just for that split second you are back briefly to square one. Hope you are okay now

Thinking of you...

Sherry - That is Muttley.  He is a boy! His markings and coat are perfect Border Collie, his breed is Shitzu Maltese. All the rest of his litter are perfect crosses, but Muttley, well I think you might need to ask his mum.  He became my 'carer companion' in March/April 07.  Up until then I was a basket case, locked in my house deeply grieving my beautiful boy.  Now I am a basket case, grieving my beautiful boy, outdoors walking Muttley.....He is amazing, tuning into every emotion and just knowing....

Take care....sorry our spring means your fall, but as I hear it the world keeps turning...

 

 

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, first I want to say that Yes, I have been to SantaFe and it is magical. I was so glad that you were there in that magic, if only for a while it allowed that lovliness to surround you in that gorgeous town nestled in the hills. I loved the streets and the museum, Georgia O'keefe museum...I loved driving to Taos where I took a writing class 11 months after Erica died. Along the mountain road were several different markers and with each I broke down knowing that somewhere close a family lost their child or loved one at that very spot. It is never far away is it, and that is why your innocent start to the evening ended making you feel so blue. The foreverness of it all is just startling. I am so sorry that you felt that sadness last night, and I hope that today the memories of Jason are bringing a different feel to your heart, though it is certainly understandable if not. SOme day, you will feel less hurt.

Trudi, the dog, Muttly, is gorgeous. I am so happy that he provides the emotional support he does, that he takes you outside to wander through the pathways as spring makes its start. We will always grieve, it is how we live each day now that will make a difference for our angels. Nobody here expects anyone to ever be done grieving. that is not real. The world keeps on turning, exactly true, with and without us. And we learn to keep moving like the seasons, and in each movement, our children are present.

I love you all, miss writing and reading more often, but right now, end of lunch break, the kids have me completely. At night, I am wiped out, amazing what 23 kids can do to a woman. They are dear with some real live wires, and some really sad cases. Wish me luck in helping them each find happiness in the day.

PS how cool that Trudi, that your daughter was able to help another...a brave young girl like her parents.

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie:  I am also so sorry you had to experience, yet again, the recurring sadness of the reminders of our sweet children… I understand---as we all do---these unexpected, unspeakable setbacks that occur and appear seemingly from nowhere or, just because we are where we are at the time.  I have been in the same deep valley for a while now...I don't know the cause...I've explored it with my therapist...could possibly be because of my physical strength being drained all of last month with my illness, possibly because of all the changes that are occurring with the selling (or, not selling, as the case may be) of the house, the leaving so much behind, trying to cram it all into my brain so as not to leave even the tiniest memory behind...while trying to reduce our “stuff” in preparation for moving to a smaller home, ... As I innocently come across a picture that is particularly full of life and promise and joy, I think ‘surely the phone will ring and wake me from this nightmare and I will answer it and hear his voice and I will say "Oh my gosh, Mike, I just had the most awful dream...’”  and so on and so on...  my mind has been in that ticker-tape mode...he's gone, he's no longer here, I will never see his physical presence again...why?  how?  I can't believe he is not here.        Our hearts will always feel this pain, and I also hope that today is bringing different, more joy-filled memories of Jason to your heart, and someday may your heart hurt less. 

Trudy:  Muttley, so adorable, and what a purpose he has…returning you to the outside world, a little at a time!  I agree with Dee, your daughter is showing the bravery that she saw in her mom, her chosen career reflects that strength.  Yes, indeed the world does keep turning, even as we sometimes want to yell “stop, I want to get off!”

Dee, just from your writings, I am certain that all of your children will come away from their first grade better little people, on their way to becoming better “big” people…your loving kindness weaves its way from these pages into our hurting hearts, and I am sure also weaves its way into their little hearts, as well.

School starting again….Mike’s oldest begins junior high…another milestone missed, but I know he is with all of his children, as they carry his legacy everywhere they go. 

love and peace, carol   mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol,

I am sorry that you are feeling as Bonnie is right now, but boy, even as you stated it can happen anytime, you certainly are faced with a great many changes and upheavels right now and that sure will spur on more issues with loss. I believe Bonnie too, was going throug some of the same with a maybe move. They say in books, that we should try to not make huge changes the first year after we lose our children, that it is too tender a time to add more change, more confusion, more loss. I think that if it can be avoided, two years is even better, as the second year brings the real world into focus, a focus we are not always able to take. That 2nd year is the start for many parents, of believing the truth of it all. Now, even 5 y ears after ERi's death, moving would absolutely undo me. I do not feel capable of packing, of saying goodbye to the home I last lived with ERi, even though she will go wherever I am, I simply am not ready. Carol, you also have your health as you mentioned and I believe they go hand in hand, with a weakened immune system, goes a weakened emotional system, and vice-versa. One peice cannot operate well without the other. so please give yourself/yourselves a break. Loss is huge, it is a giant hole, it is at this point, a place of great despair for many. I no longer despair, but I continue to grieve as I will for all time. That is now part of who I am, but gladly, part of who I am is Erica's Momma.

Carol thanks for the compliment in my teaching days. I teach third grade, and this year had a big dramatic beginning. One boy who was repeating 3rd grade, is so upset to not be in 4th that we were worried about his depression. I was so sad for him, would he be able to handle this, threatening that he would run away, leave the area because he was so humiliated in front of his friends. Today, however, he is coming to terms with this change, he is finding out that he is going to be okay. I hope that I can be good for them all. I ask each day, God and Eri, help me do good things in the classroom please...

Peace out everyone,

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  thank you for your soothing words...it helps so to have someone who's been on this journey longer than we have to show us the way, for lack of a better phrase, in how to deal, and also in what to expect, what's "normal" for us no longer normal people.  Bless you.

I apologize, for some reason I had thought you taught first grade, but I am sure your third graders are blessed, as well.  My grandson Jamie, also spent the last two years in third grade, and is just entering fourth grade this year,  He was a little upset at the news of staying behind, but he seemed to handle it well, and the second time around did very well all year, improved and flourished. (he was basically held back because the general consensus among the teachers and his parents was that he was not socially advanced enough for the rigors of fourth grade—his b-day is Sept 25, and the feeling was that he should have waited until the year after he turned 5  to start school).  However, now, as he faces the new year (starting back on Sept 2), he is experiencing some anxiety.  He had the same teacher for those two years as a third grader and really took to her; now he's going to a male teacher.  He has some issues with his dad (he thinks his dad is too strict, too many rules, etc.), and I pray he won't transfer his anxiety over this to this new teacher.  I've heard the teacher is fair and offers a good curriculum, so we wait and pray things go well.  Jamie's dad has always been a big part of his life, but his mom and dad have never lived together...and though they seem to be a little distance apart in their child raising ideas, Jamie has always been a shared responsibility that they both cherish and seem to have worked in tandem for Jamie’s benefit.   Jamie's dad was raised by an extremely strict dad, who was never there for him, and I think Jamie sometimes feels the repercussions of this "hard-headed" type of parenting example as a result, and doesn't take too well to it.   It's a tough world out there, isn't it, especially when you're so much smaller than everyone else who is running it for you....I spent the day with Jamie the other day, and he sadly told me that when he thinks of going back to school his "happy tank doesn't seem too full."  Those are the moments when you wish you could turn the world around for them, but of course, you can’t.

Yes, I too heard the “don’t make any major changes the first year” and that is why we held off on the move.  However, it must go forward now, so we must acclimate ourselves to the change….I know it will all work out; it’s just going to hurt some now and then.  There are many new things to look forward to, so hopefully it will all balance itself out. 

everyone have a good, cool evening, as we feel that “fall nip” even more in the evenings now.  Except Trudi, who is wonderfully experiencing that newness of Spring. 

love to all,   carol   mikesmomrs

jamie; in his newly assigned role as catcher, this past summer....

[daveydow1]

Bonnie,

So sorry you had a bad night when you went out for dinner at the

Japanese steak house.  Yes, we never know what thing---big or small

will zing us with the power of a sword to the heart.  Such is the way

of this journey-----always grief;  and pain just underneath a thin thin

layer of our being.  I pray that you are feeling better.  Peace & love.

                         Daveysmom,   Sherry  

[daveydow1]

Trudi,

It's good that Muttley is such a good companion. Pets surely do soothe

an aching heart.  I don't know what I'd do without my old cat--Brownie.

She is 12, but still in decent health. Over the years that I have been on

BI, many people have mentioned the loving comfort given by their pets

on the sad road we are on. Your puppy will grow into a beautiful dog

and bring a smile to your face, even though you are grieving. Take care.

                         Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Carol,

Jamie sure looks like a determined little baseball player.  I think that he

will settle in at third grade. He probably worried about it, and imagined it

would be more of a shock than it actually was.  Children usually have a

very good sense of adapting to their surroundings--especially in the

structured setting of the school classroom. I pray that he comes along

just fine.  Peace to you.

                     Daveysmom,  Sherry

[mikesmum]

Carol - Most definitely "if we could we would".  I love the picture of the 'Catcher'.  Steely eyed determination!  Perhaps the responsibilities and the love of the game will be the launch pad for Jamies new direction and strength.

Emily, Mikes niece has hit a wall at school this year her.  Its her 4th year in our primary level.  She excels in reading and math but over the last year she seems to be distracted and is slipping.  She has had the same teacher for the past 2 years.  A wonderful woman, I tend to think of Dee when I speak to her. 

Finding her letters to Mike gave some insight as to where she might be at, her mum working nursing hours has impacted as well.  Didn't someone once say 'life wasn't meant to be easy'!

As for making big decisions.....brush teeth get dressed have been monumental for me!  I have interviewed and been offered a position in the new facility!  At the same time, my other half as been sought out for a position 1hr from home that would require us to live in the town!  It is a position he was offered in Feb this year before the amalgamation of the Ambulance Services in our state......Decisions Decisions Decisions! 

Well, it is 19 celcius here with brilliant sun and just a hint of perfume from the blossoms........the big decision, will I eat lunch out side or in!!! 

Have a great day all - Trudi

 

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

I hope you ate outside!  Just a hint of the blossoms sounds heavenly .......

Carol,

Precious picture of Jaime!  I'm sorry that you're in this "grieving pit" with me.  I don't know why either.  I talked to my counselor today.  She thinks that we've had so many other things to capture our attention that our grief journey has gotten pushed aside so to speak while at the same time, we did suffer the loss of our only son, my only child. The reminders are bittersweet.  Sometimes more bitter than sweet but either way they are painful. The sweet as painful as the bitter. I've just missed him so, so much lately.  It was 16 months today for us ...........  16 long, unbelievable, heartbreaking months.

Dee, what lucky third graders to have you to guide their little hearts and mold their little minds!  You have been so comforting to me.  I just want you to know that.  YOU have touched MY life with YOUR words.  Thank you!!

Sherry, Peace and Love back to you ........

I've had a burden lately.  Our son's house in Virginia was on the market.  I wanted it so badly.  Everyone thought it was a bad idea and that I just had an emotional attachment. When my husband realized that yes it was emotional but it was also a good buy in a good neighborhood and had a great yard for the dogs, we called to put an offer on it.  Someone beat us to it and we were stunned.  We couldn't even talk we were so taken by surprise that it was gone.  We checked on it more than once to make sure that the loan had been secured and the close scheduled. Our number was even given to the realtor just in case.

Well, I was browsing on the internet a few days ago and ran across the house.  After months, the house is back on the market.  The deal fell through.  I felt like it was an omen.  I know I sound crazy but I actually felt like Jason was saying Mom, it's all under control. 

We don't have a job in Virginia.  We do have Jason's company but it can't support us along with the workers at this point. I cannot explain my heart but I feel like I have to have his house.

We are planning to make an offer in the next couple of days and probably rent it out until the time comes when we know what our future holds.

Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind.  I know that Jason can't talk to me yet I feel he does. My husband has concerns with this purchase.  I told him that Jason was laughing at him and that he (Jason) knows what he's doing ....... we just have to trust .....

Have I lost my mind ???? 

Take care dear friends .........

[mikesmomrs]

Oh, no, dear Bonnie, I don't think you've lost your mind.  I wouldn't want to say "yes, this is a sign from Jason," but geez loueeze, why were you perusing the internet when you already knew the house was gone?  Is this the right decision for you?  Only your heart can tell you that.  If you move forward, things have a way of working out, is what we have usually seen.  If it's not meant to be, it likely won’t happen.  We have on occasion felt as though we put the "cart before the horse" by buying our new home last December, before we had sold this house.  But we truly felt, and still do, that Mike led us to this new house...it was exactly what we were looking for, it came about on a flukey (such a word?) drive that we never planned, we had never entertained moving to this particular city, just a spur of the moment decision to drive there, we didn't even know if there was anything currently for sale there.  We accidentally went in the back gate to the housing park, and as we turned the corner to the street, there was not only a red VW parked in a driveway on the corner, but a red CLASSIC VW (meaning an old one from the 60's)!!!  and we drove straight to this house...of the 5 or 6 for sale in this area, we drove straight to this one---  The picture we took of the house...when we printed it, there is a sunbeam, shining directly on the front of the house, as if pointing to it..."here it is."  Or, how about the morning we signed on the house, we went by it on the way home, and found a penny in the driveway, as we were getting back in the car.  No, as I said to my husband at the time, it didn't bear the year of Mike's birth, but, "hello," I jokingly said, "did we want everything?" Well, I guess Mike wanted to be sure for us to have no doubts, so on my way to work later that same day, I stopped to mail a letter, in the daylight (I usually dropped mail off on the way home, in the dark), and as I was getting back into the car, the daylight provided me the opportunity to see a penny just in front of the gas pedal....a 1975 penny!   My daughter said that Mike was saying "geez loueeze, mom and dad, okay, here's your 1975 penny!"  and we truly felt like it was Mike saying “mom, it’s all under control.”  It’s a huge decision, and one you certainly need to think about, but I pray you will be led to the right place for you to be and for you to feel a confidence in being there, wherever it winds up to be, but your words resonate in my ears...“I cannot explain my heart but I feel like I have to have his house”

Sherry, thank you for your loving support and encouragement, also.

love and peace,    carol   mikesmomrs

 our new home, standing in the beams of the sun…

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - Just back from 2hrs walking in the sun!  Best decision.  A month ago I was convinced my life was limited to this site and walking Muttley.  My confidence shot and my direction, well the compass went with Mike!

Today I returned home to find not only have I secured an offer for the Medical centre, but the Manager from the bakery has offered to develop a Public Relations position working my own hours to promote the bakery, products and Tourism!   Like you, I can hear Mike laughing......"and you thought you were going to sit on your bottom huh Mum".

 

Now have you lost your mind? I can't say, cause I lost mine long ago and find I haven't I really  missed it much. 

I do believe in signs though.  I don't know your situation other than you are Jasons mum, a gentle and giving soul.  If it were me, my cheque book would be out and the offer in.  Big decisions do take some thought, the clincher for me, the fact that the original sale fell through.

Sometimes following the signs allows the rest to fall into place.......Blessed be!

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Looks like a lot of people need some cheering up and encouargement.  Bonnie, follow your heart...

Rather than try and post several photos, I'll see how this turns out.  It's a collage of many flowers in my immediate area.  Sorry for the ministry stamp on it.  My husband protects his photography work by adding those.  Yep.  they're all his photos, plus the postcard collage.  Hugs all, Claudia

 

[ericasmom]

Wow claudia, those photos are amazing, just amazing. Goodness knows that you are in the midst of beauty beyond my experience. Say hello to the beauty for me.

dee with love

[4everjoeysmom]

Thanks Dee!  Here is one specially for you!

 

[ericasmom]

Claudia, thanks so much for the view. What joy you must find in the midst of so much beauty. I know your JOe loves that you are surrounded by such flora. I know too, that when your heart aches, it doesn't always make a difference that there are mountains and orchids around you...but boy, it sure is a treat to see this from my midwestern roots. I do love the flat lands, the prairies of the midwest, as I know you do Claudia, I find it amazingly beautiful, however where you are now, that is a whole other kind of amazing!

I am excited for you as spring begins to show itself, the struggle of winter on the land only makes spring that much sweeter. It is from those first heads of plants that erupt through the soil, those first tiny buds on trees, those first trills of music from birds whose spring song is newly present, that I take my inspiration. The miracle of the dormant finding strength and energy again to live and continue its cycle.

I know I told you this before, but out front of the Trauma Center where ERi lay for 6 days in Kalamazoo, Michigan, were 4 statues named the Circle of Life. There was one that looked like Eri to me and engraved under it;

DORMANCY

She is north that waits in darkness

She is winter when all is still

She is Earth waiting for spring rain.

I think of Eri as a Circle of Life, she is all of this and more, and she was born in Spring. She is everywhere throughout the seasons all of the time. All of our children are.

I am thinking of you all,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, good luck on that house as I know you must be anxious, and Carol, love the sunbeam on your new home. May the road beneath our feet lead us places that teach us what it is we are suupposed to learn. Trudi, how will you decide which job you will take...when it rains it pours. God Bless.

A quick poem for you

Night Sky

Among the planets gleaming

and the half-moon bright,

the sky is teaming

with her incredible light

She guides me through the dark

and allows my eyes to see,

new landscapes, often stark

hold the magic of what can be.

So when I feel I may unravel

I walk in the spirit-lit night,

knowing I am supposed to travel

dancing in her incredible light.

By Dee About Eri

[daveydow1]

Claudia,

Those photos are beautiful and fabulous. Your husband is an accomplished

photographer.  Such brilliant & clear colors. Thank you for giving us a peek

at the gorgeous flora of Equador.  Peace to you.

                         Daveysmom,  Sherry

 

Dee,

Such a thoughtful and lovely poem of Sweet ERi. She is surely smiling down

with pure love, as you smile upward with your love for her.  Peace to you.

                         Sherry 

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  a truly beautiful poem for Eri...she soars among the angels...all of our loved ones, as they bless us with their spirit.  You are blessed with so many good thoughts of your precious daughter and bless us with your telling of them.  Thank you so much for extending your love and care to all of us here. 

On Mike’s birthday on the 20^th, we all met at the restaurant to have dinner for his birthday.  Sarah (Mike’s wife) shared with me that when she was getting Damon dressed that morning, he said to her: “ I think that my Daddy is somewhere getting dressed, like me, to come visit us today.”   My heart aches with an ache that could never be measured.  Damon, of course, doesn’t remember his daddy, but so wants to see him come into his life as a person and not just a picture and words.   What words do we use to help him to understand?    Wisdom such as that is far beyond my understanding. 

I received this picture tonight from Sarah, and thought I would share.  Damon LOVES to do crafting...he doesn't care what he makes or how it turns out...it is his creation, and he just beams with that precious, child-like innocence of having created something that is surely the best thing anyone has ever seen…

love and peace,  carol   mikesmomrs

[4everjoeysmom]

Morning All.  Look at this!!  This morning we had a baby hummingbird land out of a nest, unable yet to fly.  Michael ran for the camera and got some amazing shots, this being one.  Don't you just love when something unexpected and extraordinary happens?!  Some call it miracles.  Some signs.  I just call it a beautiful blessing, and I wanted to share with you all.  Love, Claudia

[stephysteph13]

claudia,

i sent you a PM

[ericasmom]

Claudia,

the hummer is gorgeous and makes me smile each time i grab a look. Perfect isn't she? Thanks for sharing your wonders with us, life's miracles to be sure.

Peace in all you do,

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

Life's miracles are what keeps us going.  I have a humming bird that comes to the planter box outside our living room window, but so far I've not been lucky enough to get a camera shot.  Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful little sign of new life.

love and peace,   carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

We too have hummingbirds, though much more shy than Claudia's bird. Ours are Rufus Hummingbirds I think. The other day we had a pair at the Butterfly bush, and one day had one at the red salvia in the window box. About 4 years ago there was an unusaual insect in the yard, like the size of a large bee of which we have many, but he was different. It had hummingbird features such as wing beats and it could hover the way a hummer does. I came up here to my computer and looked up species of hummingbirds, knowing that the smallest kind is called a bumblebee hummingbird, but it was not that. THen I thought it was moth like as well and so I looked at moths. Ifound what it is and have seen it every spring and summer since, it is nick-named the hummingbird moth but it is one species of a shinx moth. There are many many kinds. I believe this is a clear-wing sphinx moth. they are really cool, and I count myself lucky for having this yearly treasure.

Hope All are enjoying a labor day weekend.

Peace

Dee

[johnnysmama]

Dearest all

Have missed you so much. Our family took my youngest daughter Emily to Kings Island amusement park for her 16th birthday, Not my bag but she loves her roller coasters. Will do anything to make her happy. It is bittersweet to watch her grow as everytime she smiles now she looks just like Johnny. Love it but its tough.

 

Dee

When you write I see Eri, I know her or I want to know such a beautiful soul -just like her Mom.

 

Bonnie

This 2nd year sucks huh? One minute I make sense, accomplish something the next i am a mess and my heart hurts so bad. I agree-follow your heart. If the house will help you one tiny bit then its worth it. Hopefully, if you are renting it it wont be too much of a burden to you financially.

 

Trudi

I am so happy about your job offers. You deserve them both-how will you choose? I am glad others see what we see in you.

 

Carol

Love your artist. Dont know how you help him know his Dad better-but the fact that he wants to I think is very powerful. He already knows he loves him. Love your house story and pic. Meant to be.

 

Claudia

Thank you for sharing your little hummer. How precious are God's gifts. I have tried and tried here in Ohio to attract them. Almost gave up-something made me try one last time this summer and i have 3 buddies that the pugs and I sit and visit with on the deck. I look forward to seeing them everyday and they eat all day long! the momma comes very close to me and looks at me like to say I know your pain but I am here for you. Sounds goofy I know but she flies right up to my face quite often and hovers. So your picture of your baby was very precious to see. Your husbands pics are breathtaking. Talk about God's gifts! Looking at all that you do must be very spiritual.

 

Sherry-you are always so sweet, caring and supportive. Thank you for that.

 

Kay