Loss of an Adult Child

[heartbeataway]

Claudia, thanks for pointing out the confusion. I hope no one was hurt by the mistake. Not intentional!

To be honest, I've had a whole confusing week. My husband and I went out for a burger and we told her our drink order. She repeated it back as a lemonade and an iced tea. I looked at my husband and expressed surprise at his lemonade order. He didn't order lemonade, I did! The word came out of my mouth and I didn't even realize I said it. I NEVER order lemonade!

And you can imagine my horror when she brought out a different burger than I ordered. That was her mistake...... thank goodness!

Thanks!

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Angel,

I'm really sorry for your loss. Your loss is so new and your very soul is so raw with grief.

Hang in there ..... it's a tough journey but the road does get softer. It's a very non-linear path.

One piece of advice I received when I couldn't sleep when I went to bed and didn't want to get up when morning came was to take one hour at a time. Plan one hour and when that is over, plan the next.

Someone also said, "deep breaths and baby steps".

I agree that grief counseling is a great comfort. As is this site.

I lost my only son in April 2007. He died unexpectedly and very suddenly. He had undiagnosed heart disease. Neither he nor anyone else knew he was walking around in what amounted to congestive heart failure. His first manifestation was sudden death.

Again, I am so, so sorry for your loss.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Dear Angel,

as the others here have said, it is a long and non-linear road, but there will always be others who will understand what you are feeling...we have been where you are. I lost my girl, ERica, when she was 19, 5 years ago. Sherri and I have been on this path perhaps the longest of the regularly posting parents. What is most cool for me tonight, is to hear the wonderful comforting words from parents newer to this...they have been traveling this road for varied amounts of time, some just a bit ahead of you, and all report that it will not always be as difficult as it is now. You will go through more raw times before you begin to feel that life outside your window is yours to live again, but eventually you will find your way to feeling the sun on your face and you will feel your Dear Son guiding you to live a good life. Please believe me when I say that we all wish we were there, somehow there to save our child from this fate, but really this isn't how this works, and the last thing your Son, your best friend, would want, is for you to feel guilty. He is holding you in his loving heart for all time, the way you will hold him. There is no pain like this pain, please take time to make sure that you are eating, that you are drinking plenty of water, that you are taking a vitamin each day to keep your strength up, grieving is very exhausting and depleting. It is hard enough to be so sad, but our bodies too, must be tended so that we can keep up. Try to come here daily to post or just read so that you are surrounded by others who really understand your heartache. My prayers to you.

The confusion today is moon related I think. While not full, it sure feels strong. Trudi, good for you, a new job, or did I get confused and it is someone else? May you feel the freedom from the self-imposed confinement. I think it is wonderful when you feel the sense of going forward.

Sonya, so sorry about your Grandpa, but I do love to hear that someone lived a long life, and I am sure he is happy to be free and near Danielle.

Kay, I'll bet you are a most patient teacher, as Sonya said, kindergarten is one place that attracts the most patient teachers. How lovely that you are their first experience with big school. I agree, returning to work was scary, but it was like oxygen to me. I was renewed each day by the needs and love of children. NO two days alike.

Carol, may Mr. Mike smile on his beloved team, and may you feel his giant love wrapped around you, thanking you for all the love a Mom could give a Son. I love the sign at the ballpark, he loved that I know. A week early, but I agree it is a week to celebrate your Boy, and your getting healthy again.

Greg, I think your little Grandgirl is a wise young lady to call you when she needed a boost. How lovely and yes, how sad, but boy, she has a great deal of trust in you to be able to reach you in her distress. I love the video, and I want to show it to our Social worker as we have several kids at our school who in the last few years, have lost a parent. What a wonderful little girl she is. Does her school have a RAINBOWS class offered for the kids who have had a loss of some sort? If not, ask the school social worker if the school might send some of their teachers to be trained as faciliatators for it. It is a useful program for kids in loss.

Everyone, be kind to yourselves, remember it is how our Children would have it.

Love, Dee

[daniellemom]

Angel 52727,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter Danielle 10 months ago. The only advise I can give you is take one minute at the time then work your way up to an hour. Read and post as often as you would like. The people here are excellent in advise and listening. My prayers are with you.

Trudi,

I'm so sorry I typed Trish on the response I sent. Hey but I got the first two letters right LOL. I knew I was responsed to Mike's Mum just got the name wrong, so please forgive me. Good Luck with your new job. I have been in customer service for my whole career. It can be very rewarding and very demanding. Good Luck.

Carol,

Know I know why I have always been drawn to Mike and the red soxs and red VW. His birthday is one day after mine.

Bonnie,

May you be able to laugh while ordering your drinks from now one. That sounds like something I would do.

Love and prayers to everyone.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[daveydow1]

 

 

 

          HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, MIKE !

         

                    Daveysmom,  Sherry

[daveydow1]

 

    Angel52727,

   I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved son, Keith. Such a short time

  here on earth.  I know how your heart is crushed and aching. Being your

 only child makes it that much more painful.  I have lost two children---one

  as an infant, and my son, Davey at age 31 in 2003.  Everyone here knows

  your pain, and we  help, and receive help from each other. How I wish

  there was something I could say to ease your pain.  Just know that BI is

 the best place to come to------everyone understands.   Peace be with you.

                                       Daveysmom,   Sherry 

[mikesmum]

Sonya - Have been called worse.  In fact there is one lady here in town that has known us for a number of years and always calls me Trish!  She is a lovely lady who works in Community health.  Have corrected her once, but to no avail so I just go with it.

Bonnie, we have the same.  I drink Skinny Latte double shot (god knows why), Mal drinks Cappacino.  Really the fluffy foam is the only difference but it never ceases to amaze me when they repeat your order, now that was skinny capp and a normal latte.....after being frustrated and wondering if I wasn't speaking english or they might be hearing in Latvian I now reply with a smile 'no not really'. 

Dee - Yep looking forward to breaking out.  Early in my journey I would read postings of those gone before and wonder how they could ever say they had reach a place where their grief now co-existed in their new normal allowing them to live again.  I was beyond my comprehension.

But here I stand 20 months on....Still broken in places by the fact that my son has physically gone.....yet finding some peace that he never has and never will be truly gone.......(in a fold of time)

Take Care all........still cold here, wet and yet not miserable....Trudi

[ericasmom]

Trudi, indeed, a fold of time, a golden space, safe and secure in your love adn the love of all who know him. Go for it Girl, and enjoy each new thing each new day. There are stories we need to hear from you as you return home and repeat the silly and the dramatic and the fullfilling moments in your days. You have a great way of telling us your stories, so please, I am all ears.

Angel, if you are out there tonight, let us know how you are, let us hold your hand whenever you want.

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi, I was just reading the other day in a magazine a friend recently left behind for me that it is actually "good for our health" to drink a couple of skinny latte's a day--I suppose in replacement of what we could be putting in our bodies.  It's just that you're condensing your two into a power packed single serving.    You go girl!

I too am looking forward to your reports on how things wirk out with your new job.  I hope it brings you a new sense of sharpness and motivation that I know we all struggle with from time to time.  Sometimes I wish I was still punching a clock so that I would have to force myself to work.  Other times I'm glad that it can be at a free pace and I can have the down time needed when the blues hit.

Keith's Mom, I too am thinking of you tonight...  Hugs, Claudia

[angel52727]

Keith's mom is still here, I wish I could be where all you are. I try to eat but, I'm drinking plenty of fluids. I have tried counseling but, it's hard for me to be around a lot of people right now. That is why I started looking into this and found out I'm not alone. Every day is a challenge for me, all I think about is my son Keith and why has he has been taken from me.People ask me what can they do for me and I use to say bring back Keith for me. Now I say there is nothing you can do. I wish the pain would ease off, that's the hardest part. I will keep in touch and thank you for all your kind words believe me Keith's mom is still here.   

[lagrangel]

Keith's Mom,

I am so sorry for you loss. I just passed the one year mark and can say that I do have better days than at the beginning of this journey. I don't cry everyday like I did for the first 4 months. I look back from the beginning to where I am now and have become stronger in this journey. Please take it one minute at a time and then when you move to the next take it 1 hour at a time. This sight has been such a help and blessing to me since the funeral home recommended it to me in August 2007. You can tell us your feelings when noone else understands. We totally understand not wanting to be around people I still avoid certain places with lots of people.  Please be good to yourself and take it easy. You are in my heart and prayers, Lana 

[ericasmom]

Thanks Angel for letting us know...we worry knowing how really difficult this is. I know what you mean when you say you wish you were where we are, but take heart, because we all were where you were...we know how long a night can be and how lonely one can feel. I too told people there was nothing they could do to help, but to just say a prayer or two. I went outside each day, had to, kind of hyperactive anyway, and being near nature really helped in a lot of ways; first, it helped to breathe fresh air, to see and hear the birds, even though the sound is muted in our sadness. Secondly, I felt a better connection when I was outside, I felt that she was walking along with me. She loved being outside all of her life so it made sense for me to feel calmer, more connected to her. Also, walking is just plain good for your heart, broken now, it will reform one day in a different configuration, it will hold even more believe it or not. As Lana said, it holds more strength now. You are going to feel a bit stronger some days and other days it will feel as though all your gains disappear, but that too is normal for this new way of living. Consider this first year a time of learning everything new. It takes a good deal of energy, coping is hard, dealing with the impatience of others can be a challenge, just remember what the others here have told you, there is no time table for grief. We never get over it, we get through it, adn the only way to travel through grief is to let yourself sink to the depths of it when you must, and fight to get back up for air when you can.

 Keith is rooting for you, wanting you to know that he sees the same sky as you, and if he could, he would lift you from this ache and help you to know that he is never far away. This all takes time and tears and faith in the love that brought you to this time in your life. Our pain is a reflection of the love we feel for our Babies.

Angel, have you tried counseling just one on one? I did not want to attend group therapy but I did go to a therapist once perweek from about the fifth month after Eri left until the 3 year mark. Finding this place was just a day of desperation and I googled Grief Chat Rooms and this came up along with many other places. I checked out two places and this one is where I settled along with going to private therapy. As others have said, this is a moment to moment experience, but it will become more hour to hour, and then more half day to half day...it really does seem to follow a sequence for the most part. I give you a great big hand up as you find your footing on this path. You found this place early in yoru grief, I bet Keith is proud of you for that. my prayers and my hope to you.

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Angel,

When someone asks what they can do ...... think about asking them to share a memory of Keith or a picture they might have that you haven't seen. Ask them to have a cup of tea or go for a walk with you.

Ask them to pick up a loaf of bread or vaccum your rug. Ask them to call and have lunch.

Don't be afraid to ask. It's been almost sixteen months for me and I don't honestly know that a day has passed in my life without tears. My son is the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and the first thing on my mind in the morning.

You will get strength from one day to the next. It's such a tough journey but it's easier if you look for the sun. Tell us all about Keith. Perhaps it will bring you comfort to write about him. We enjoy getting to know these precious people.

I was able to get to the place where I realized that I was the lucky person chosen to be my son's Mom. Even if for only 31 years. Our family name ended and I'll have no grandchildren. We will not have him to pester as we get older. But I was Jason's Mom.

Jason did so much more than die. He made a difference and I try every minute of every day to remember that.

If there's one question I would like answered, it would be why. Why our boy? But, everyone has the same question and we will probably never know the answer.

I lost my identity when he died. I'm a Mom without a child.

You are in the darkest of days on your journey. The sun will peak through the clouds and you will breath again. It's going to take time.

Be good to yourself. Your son would want that, wouldn't he?

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  I do hope the job works out…it is a brave step for you.  I know that your Mike is there by your side, so proud of you, and giving you strength, and has all of our children rooting for you.

Bonnie:  Yes, like the confusion you felt at the restaurant, we all often find ourselves in a situation where we wonder "how did we get here?"  …my hubby asked me yesterday to hand him the remote control, and I handed him a straw…he looked at me and asked me if I was okay…he took the straw, and started trying to click it to let me know something was amiss.  As for the confusion here on BI over the many “Mikes” and who is which ones mom, it is understandable…and certainly no offense was taken. 

Greg:  Your “Capt and a coke” could not be more appropriate…Mike’s favorite drink before he was diagnosed with seizures and could no longer drink alcohol.  Thank you for your wishes.

Claudia, your suggestion for sending Mike’s birthday wishes through the week is also appropriate…we think Mike invented the birthday “weekend.”   If his birthday fell on a Friday, Sat, or Sun, he made sure that everyone knew it was his “birthday weekend.”  He will be tickled to know you have extended it to a week; I can see his smile over that!  Both of his older sons have called us to tell us how excited they are about going to the game on Sunday for their dad’s birthday and can hardly wait.  It is nice to know that his wishes for them to continue his passion are taking form.

Angel—Keith’s mom:  so very sorry you have a reason to be here, but I know that you will find comfort and gentle support here with all of us who truly understand your pain.  Yes, as Bonnie said, there is no day that passes without tears, but over time the piercing pain does soften.  You are so new to this and the rawness of it right now is so gut-wrenching.  Without even realizing it, you will see the sun again, and you will remember that day of seeing the sun again, and it will become not necessarily a “turning point” but kind of a green light for you to be able to continue to see the sun again, and perhaps even laugh again, over time.   I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son.  You have guilt over not being there with him, and I have guilt over being there, watching my son die, and not being able to do anything about it.  None of us should be carrying any guilt, but nevertheless we do, whether its over not having been there, having been there and felt helpless, something we should have done, something we shouldn't have done...the reasons pop up out of nowhere and are endless sometimes, knawing at us.  But clarity comes with time, and the guilt issues lessen.

Kay:  you are blessed with these wonderful kindergarten children’s presence, and they are blessed to have you guide them. 

Dee:  We will miss your frequency, but delight in your continued posts with their wisdom and sweet comfort.  Best wishes for the new school year…your students are blessed with your presence. 

Sue:  Thank you for putting your “Tiger” passion on hold even if only for a day…that is a huge sacrifice for a baseball fan!

Kathy:  Hope your new computer comes soon and brings you back to us on a more regular basis!

Sonya:  Happy upcoming birthday…I will be thinking of you.

Geri:  thank you for your wishes…I hope you are feeling okay and not having any more surgery or illness issues. 

Sherry:  Thanks so much for your continued caring and support.  You’ve been through so much yourself, and yet you still reach out to others. 

To all:  Thank you so much for your wishes for Mike’s birthday.  We will bring out and share memories and stories and pictures to celebrate the time he was here on earth, the time we were gifted with his presence.  The tears will fall now and then as reality weaves its way through our day, but the overall mood of the day will be joy, joy in his legacy of love and courage and faith.   This is a quote from an email from the music director at Fenway Park (The home of the Red Sox), when she learned that we were coming to the park this Sunday, again for Mike’s birthday:  (She knew of my recent illness and that we hadn’t been to the park since June)  “Glad you’re coming back to the Park.  She missed you- she did.  She always misses the good fans.  At least she sees Mike at least once a week; I truly believe he must stop by.” 

The passion started early:

[mikesmum]

Carol - Thank you ..... It will be a new challenge, but I feel ready.  I know Mike is around, funny but I think its him that has opened that door for me.

Bonnie - You have come such a long way.  Jason truly did make a difference.  Just looking at the memorial and all those who share in remembering this great man shows how much of an impact he had while here. 

You are Jasons mom....  The love and connection to our kids doesn't stop with last heart beat.....its something eternal.  I have learnt that being here and embrace it each day.  Will always be Mikes mum.

Dee - The moon is my centre.  It truly gives me focus and energy.  The confusion, well that comes naturally.  Thanks for all the positive encouragement over the past months.  I can honestly say it has redirected my thinking allowing me to graduate if you like to another level.

Keiths mum - It is something that only those who travel this road can understand.  The questions, the feelings, the depths of despair and the idea that our whole identity and life  has changed.

I remember hearing in the early days that life for me would no longer be 'normal' as I once knew it.  They were so right.  20 months on, I have begun finding a new normal.  It isn't easy and it isn't what I want, but it is what I have. 

The counselling, well it really is determined by the connection you make.  It all takes time and you need to afford yourself that space. 

Take Care - Remember you are never alone............Trudi

Hey Mike - Check out my new uniform.  Not quite the Emergency Dispatcher or Nurse.  Cute hat though! Love you my son my son.......

[heartbeataway]

Carol, I love the picture of "young passion". It's hard for me to look at that little face and not feel his loss. I still have major problems with pictures. I ran into a couple framed pictures in a closet and was overcome with that little face and those eyes looking back at me.

But I find almost the same feelings looking at the posted pictures. How can these precious, vital beings be gone?

I've been in a bit of a slump lately. My journey has taken me backwards a little. I'm just missing our boy.

It was raining when we woke up this morning. We needed it so it was welcome but it's still dreary ..........

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, I so know how the rain can bring you even more down when in a slump.  I struggle with that a lot in my corner of the world.  And like you, when I look at Joey;s pictures, especially the younger days and happy baby smiles, it tears at my heart unbelievably...  I miss my baby too.

Carol, What a cute photo!  I guess I had never really seen a photo of Ralph.  Mike looks like him.  Same eyes! 

Trudi and Greg, Joey also liked "the Cap".  I recall him mentioning the guy now and then...

Keith's Mom, So many here with such precious pearls of wisdom that come only with time through this journey...  I hope you do find a little bit of comfort in knowing that one day you will reach that plateau when a thought can bring a smile.  For now I pray that it is somewhat soothing to know you can call on us here through the darkest of times.  We're familiar and unafraid to share that journey with you...  I pray moments of comfort and peace will find you through this early and darkest part of your journey...if maybe only through a glimmering hope that someone here can share with you.  It's a start...  HUGS, Claudia

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie:  Yes, I know the feelings.  Pictures can be such a comfort, but they can also torment and pierce your heart.  I know we are all still glad we have them though, and of course, we all wish we had more.  I think back on so many "missed opportunities" for pictures and just cry.  It has made me more aware, though, of the here and now, and I take pictures like a fool.   Everywhere.  Of everyone.  My daughter's fiance has albums up the ying-yang, pictures of everyone/everything.   He carries his camera everywhere.  He will even take a picture of a saleperson (with their permission) and make it part of his "story" of pictures of that day when he puts the album together.   And he ALWAYS takes four pictures if he's taking a pic of a person...that way he figures he's bound to get a good one!  I learned a lot from him..his albums are simple, yet so astoundingly beautiful and full of love and life. 

I'm sorry to hear that you've been in a slump lately, and I know that even if you need it, the rain doesn't help for some reason.  You have lost so much, Bonnie, and it is difficult to learn to live differently...sometimes the pain just strikes out of nowhere and brings you to your knees.  A huge part of your life has gone from your days.  I am so, so sorry.  I wish I could wrap you in a quilt of comfort. 

Are you still contemplating moving to Virginia?   I remember reading that the house you were looking at had too many problems, so you passed on it.  Are you still looking?   Too bad you weren't looking in New Hampshire...I have this beautiful house that I know you would just love....lol! 

Holding you close in my heart,

carol  mikesmomrs

[summergirl]

Hello to all - Oh how much I miss you and this site - I feel so lost without you and feel as though I am losing so much - need to go back a few pages and catch up on things. Just a quick - new computer sent out today - should arrive on Monday so I am so happy about that!!  Rough last couple of days but at WORK so will catch up on all when the computer is up and running!!   Love, Hope, Peace and Miss you all -Kathy

[mikesmum]

Everyone is so right about the pictures.  Smiles, tears a virtual memory continues to surface at any given time.

I too look at the pictures on postings and think 'you can't be gone, you look so alive'. 

Kathy - I have missed seeing Jess and of course your postings.  Hope you are handling what has been handed out......if not you know where I'll be.  Its a hot chocolate day here.

Well, I'm off to work.  Yes you heard right, today is the day!  I really have become the child.  Melissa is off skiing with family, but took the time early this morning to phone and make sure I was okay!  "Take you phone and some money in case you need it'.  Only thing missing was the clean handerchief and undies talk!  Love em.

Look after each other.......Trudi 

[ericasmom]

Kathy, I agree with Trudi, I miss seeing Jess alongside your words, so glad that you will soon be using a new computer, hooray for you. I think that your words, 'rough couple of days..." is echoed everywhere I go. I do believe this old moon, the one that is full and shining right through my window tonight, is one of controversy. So many upheavels for folks i know and love this week.

Trudi, do tell how your first day of work unfolded. I hope that you felt happy to go adn return today. Can't wait to hear.

Bonnie, I am sorry that you are in a funk, remember though, our funks usually allow us some new chunk of grief to uncover or revisit. Not that that sounds like fun or anything, but that time spent feeling such sadness has its merits too. We generally go through a gain of sorts afterwards. Your allowing your mood to unfold, if you were unable in a few weeks to feel a bit more energy or happy moments...I'd say talk to a professional, but the only way through grief is to travel it. It is like white water rafting I imagine, can't sit by the fire, under a sky of starlight and eat a good meal until you get yourself through the rough water. Some legs of this journey hold more challenges than others. As said in an article titled; Good Grief----grief is messy and painful. There is an art to grieving, it is a creative act. It takes patience and courage. Our culture favors the fast-food model of mourning...it goes on to say this Bonnie, the part that really makes me think of where you are right now; grief is also a tonic. It is  a healing elixir, made of tears that lubricate the heart. grief is the proof of our love, of how deeply we have allowed another to touch our lives. If we gloss over grief, we might become depressed.

We are blessed by the very souls we mourn. No matter how long or short their lives here on Earth, they were full lives. They lived very full lives.

My heart,

Dee

[shuugar]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE

[mamabets]

For All~ I have been away from here for some time now...Checking in with ALL of you daily, yet not posting...My sister lost a very close relative from acute liver failure...She had a tyransplant that did not take, so most of my summer has been comforting all that I can.

My niece's dog was diagnosed with cancer...

Just life...The unfair parts of life that we all know, all too well!!!

I love you all, I welcome, with an open heart all of our new people here. You are on a never ending journey into a time that we all know well, also. There is a world of love and comfort here, so please, keep us with you as you travel...

I have known miracles here with all of you, as you touch my life in a way that no one can!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIKE!!!!!! And, love beyond love to all!

LOVE

mamabets

[ericasmom]

Hello Dear Betts,

hope that you are doing well with all that has been going on. I know how draining it can be to be around more loss, it seems that since Erica died, we have been around a lot of loss. This summer, with Michael, (my 1st husband) sick with leukemia, and some other issues that I have not talked about yet, I feel sometimes, a lesser ability to look forward even a week or so ahead. I get scared sometimes to look forward,  Planning too much leaves me feeling anxious, like, uh-oh, now what is going to happen. That is the post traumatic stuff that lives beside my more rational brain. When I become more anxious, I do have to remind myself that living in the present moment is where joy resides anyway, it is where we find the magic.

I  pray that today is kind to you all, glad to see you Betts,

Dee

[shellbellsmom]

Angel- I am so sorry for your lose of your son Keith, but glad you found your way to this board….I just passed the 1 year mark (July 21^st) for my 22 year old daughters death from leukemia complications.  Though it wasn’t totally sudden (38 days from diagnosis)…it was definitely unexpected (they gave us 94% success rate for recovery) and with any death….Just as tragic.  I was one that found myself at a support group 3 weeks out totally expecting to only go once, not thinking it would be my thing.  It was what I needed.  I needed to be around others in similar situations that knew how I felt, and didn’t mind me talking about my child.  I met Terri (on BI) who also had a daughter around the same age who also died from cancer.  Though a different type and with a different prognosis…..in the end the same result…death. I also started going to a therapist around the 4 month mark.  I don’t feel she has really helped me much except for letting me talk….as much as I want…and by that the appointment isn’t wasted. Just like Bonnie mentioned earlier my child’s death is the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and the first thing on my mind in the morning, so when there’s someone who will listen, I’m there.  Remember, everyone copes differently.  Take each day one at a time and do accept help from others when they offer.  And make sure to not forget about yourself during your grieving.  Stop by this site often, even if you don’t post.  Just by reading others comments can lift your sprits a bit. 

I got myself busy in a cause immediately after Michelle’s death.  Some commented on how can you do that…but I had to.  It kept my mind focused on finding some good in a tragic situation.  I pulled all my energy into fundraising for the LLS (Leukemia & Lymphoma Society)to help do my part in helping raise awareness and money to fund research.  I knew this is what my daughter  would want…..  Now I am back to my cause mode once again, (Dee, I have your ex Mike in my heart as well)  This will keep me busy another few months and help remove some depression that I have had.  This time we are putting on our first annual LLS Golf Charity (In memory of Michelle).  Our committee is all new to this so it’s a little like the blind leading the blind, but with 100% dedication in making it successful.   

Wishing everyone a safe and relaxing weekend. 

Take Care, Sue

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

"we are blessed by the very souls we mourn"

Wow! Yes, we are ...... right now for me, the blessing is bittersweet. There's more going on in our life than just grief. I can't explain here as I'm not sure how private my thoughts would be.

Let's just say that our journey through grief has been more complicated than it should be and we've had other mountains laid in our path. Some days, we're too tired to climb. But, we have no choice.

I think it's ironic that the very people you love the most can be the most challenging and the least understanding.

We are weary ....

And then there are gracious folks like you and Claudia, and Trudi, and Carol, and Kathy, and Greg, .... I could go on.

You have no idea how much you help or how often your words arrive at a time when they are crucial and a much needed tonic for a weary soul with a broken heart. It's like the clue that holds us together for a little bit longer.

Thank you Dee ....... Thank you everyone else ........ I don't know what I would do without you guys.

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

mamabetts,

You have been missed! Nice to see you posting again.

If anyone knows how and can offer comfort, it should be us, heh?

One tough lesson to learn though.

Looking forward to seeing more from you!

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[ericasmom]

I am so sorry for the mountains in your path Bonnie, I know, without knowing your particular issues, what it feels like to continuously have to manuvere around obstacles while already dealing with the utmost in pain. If ever you want to reach me directly, dconmy3yahoo.com

dee

[johnnysmama]

Dearest Angel

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved son, Keith. I lost my son, Johnny 17 months ago. I also was not with him as he was on an army base and died on his motorcycle. I too feel guilty for not being there with him or not KNOWING he had passed. I was teaching Kindergarten at the time and never felt him leave here. I have often wondered what kind of mother doesn't know her son passed? I worry how he was laying on the road alone, scared. I just hope he went fast. I too loved him with all my heart as he was such a buddy to me-we were very close, too. It has helped me to not focus on his ending but on his life and the joy he brought me. Focusing on the ending is just to painful and wasn't helping me to start living without him, something I don't want to do but know I have to do. I also tell myself that out of respect and honor to him it is not fair to remember him by those few minutes and not by all the wonderful living he did. So that is where I am. Like Greg said one step forward, a 1/2 step back. Some days it is the opposite. But honestly the beautiful family here is my lifeline. This is a place to say what ever you need and everyone here will truly listen and understand. No fast food grieving here, right Dee? You can ask anything and you will be answered and helped and loved.

Take care of yourself the best you can and tell us more about your wonderful son, Keith.

Kay

[johnnysmama]

Bonnie and everyone

I totally understand the picture dilemma. I tell my self everyday to start working on those scrapbooks. I have 2 daughters also and there lives are continuing on and I am not keeping track of anything. I feel like Johnny's gone there is no life to keep track of, no family to keep track of anymore. My husband wanted someone to take a pic of the four of us and I couldn't do it. I feel bad but I am not ready to admit or deal with the fact that my family is only the four of us. Not fair to the girls and I am trying. My husband does take pics of them, thank goodness. But I keep telling myself-tomorrow I will start printing out their pics and working on their books and then tomorrow comes and I cant.

 

Bonnie and Dee-I get the feeling that you 2 are going through a lot-alone right now. Whatever is going on besides losing your precious ones I hope and pray it gets better for you. Know you have my complete support and caring and if I can help at all please let me know. This goes for ANYONE here-you are all so precious to me. I think of you often and our precious children and wonder, how did we end up here???

 

Hugs to all,

Kay

[mom2sarah]

God Be with us All

  

[daveydow1]

Mom2sarah,

I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Sarah, in an auto accident.

Yes, I have heard and seen reports about how the SUVs are top-heavy and

prone to rolling over.  My son, Davey, was also killed in a wreck. He was  

sitting in a line of stopped traffic at a freeway exit, when a huge semi with

the driving sleeping at the wheel came along & crushed his car. He never

had a chance.  This stage in your tragedy---only 2 wks. is so very recent,

and everything must seem so surreal to you--along with the unbearable grief.

Please come back to BI to read/post whenever you feel you can. We're all on

this unwanted journey together, and everyone understands.  Peace be with you.

                                      Daveysmom,    Sherry  

[ericasmom]

Thanks Kay,

for me, it has been many losses since Eri died. The year following her death, a friend Tony died suddenly. His son is my daughter's friend. Then the same summer, my friend Mark died suddenly. The following summer, my son Jon was held up 5 blocks from here, at gunpoint. While he was fine in the end, it rattled us all,  and one of the gunmen was shot and killed after he held Jon up. That same summer, my friend Trish, died whenshe was on her bike and killed by a train, odd but true. Her three girls went to school with my two kids. Then my old friend Carol died from breast cancer, and the following summer, Kathy died, she was 24, went to school with Jon adn Eri too, she drown in Alaska. A year later, my friend Bill died from a brief illness. I feel slammed, and then this summer, my children's father gets sick and while he is responding to treatments pretty well, (thanks for the prayers ), I just sometimes feel scared. So, I know we are the age when this stuff gets more frequent...but this is ridiculous.

Anyhow, I still usually am okay, knowing that whatever i do in this moment should add something good to the universe, but there are times when my positive energy gets a bit depleted. Still, through it all, I do feel that the day I am in is a gift, and for that I am deeply grateful.

Love,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Kay,

"no fast food grieving here"

I like that phrase!  You are so right.  And I think we ended up here together because it's the way it's mean't to be.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this site and you dear folks to listen when I need someone to listen and to share your words of wisdom when I need them most.

Our being together is no coincidence.

I like to think our children were involved in this gathering. I know our Jason was.

Love to all,

Jason's Mom, Bonnie

[mikesmum]

mom2 sarah - Someone told me once When you lose a parent , you lose your past, when you lose a spouse, you lose your present, but when you lose your children , you lose your future.

I am so sorry for your loss.  Another bright light taken far too soon.  In 2005 I lost my mum and became an 'orphan' (at 50).  I read an article on Adult Orphans back then with that same phrase.  Back then it explained alot about how I was feeling.   I never in my wildest dreams thought I would experience the loss of a child...I hope you come often and find some comfort on this journey.  

Bonnie - Sorry you have hit that lull.  I think this journey is like flying.  At times there is brilliant weather with smooth take offs and landings. Other times there are air pockets everywhere that send you plummeting.  Always thinking of you. Jason blue eyes mum!

Dee & All, yes I put in 5 hrs yesterday.  I haven't done any hospitality since I was 17.  Man has my body sent me a message!!  Its the ski season and our town is the gateway to ski fields.  It was so busy we didn't draw breath all morning.  About 4pm I noticed I was in a cold sweat.  Others noticed I was pale.  My heart was racing and I was nauseous.  Too much too soon.  But never fear, we have decided that perhaps I was too ambitious for the first day and have agreed 4hrs a day till I work up the physical stamina.

Positives from yesterday -  I walked to work.  It rained all night and the sun broke through as I headed out (thanks for the sunshine on my face Mike).  We aren't allowed to wear any jewellry (aside from a wedding band).  I wear a blue band that I put on the day of Mikes funeral. Steven and brother Bill also wear one.  I took it of yesterday.  No major meltdown (thanks Mike for understanding, I still have it in my pocket!) I came home physically wrecked, not mentally ruined and for the first time in 20 months slept for 5 hrs straight.  (Mike, I think you have found your place in my heart and head that allows me some peace, thanks).

With all my heart I still miss my son.  If I  allow my mind to wander to the place where I know I will never hear his voice, feel his hugs, see his smile brings me down so fast I can't breathe, the tears still flow uncontrolled.  Yet to see the sun as I type, and look into his face beside my screen, I can't help but feel blessed to be Mikes mum. 

Trudi

 

 

 

[heartbeataway]

Sarah's Mom,

I've written two lengthy postings to you tonight to try and express my condolences on your loss.  Somehow, I've managed to lose both ........

So, maybe I was saying too much.

We lost our only son, my only child in April '07.  His death was totally unexpected and so sudden it still takes my breath away.  He woke up, said good morning and died.  He had undiagnosed heart disease (ARVD.)  His first manifestion was death. 

I extend my heart to you.  I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't honestly say I remember two weeks after Jason's death. You wake up every morning hoping it was just a bad dream and you go to bed at night wishing not to wake up at all. You are instantly thrust into a quest for answers to never ending questions.

I feel like I lost my identity.  I'm a mother with no physical child. I don't think about the future.  To do that would be to accept that our family name ended, we will never have a grandchild with Jay's quirky little smile or contagious laughter.  And who will we pass on all those precious memories we've stored away?

I can tell you that as hard as it is now, the pain softens as time passes. You will learn to live through the grief that will forever be part of your life.  I don't think I've had a day without tears in the almost 16 months since Jason died. He is still a constant in my life and I know that he always will be.

I wish you peace and comfort and good, warm memories to help you rest. Accept help when it's offered and surround yourself with Sarah's strength, her goodness and her  love. 

I hope that listening to our stories will somehow help you. You will feel alone in your journey but others have walked the path before you and will offer valuable insight and direction. Listen carefully.

Pour your heart out with your keyboard and we will listen with our eyes and respond with our hearts.

Blessings to you.

Love from one grieving Mom to another,

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

I so enjoy your postings!  Please take good care of yourself and don't overdue in your new job.  I'm excited that you slept last night!

I wear a green organ donor band.  My original one broke from too much wear. I remember how I felt when that happened.

I have a pin that's a symbol of a grieving Mom also.  And I have a memorial necklace with a tear drop pendant that has some of Jay's ashes in it.  I always have one of these on.

You last paragraph captures the heart of so many of us.  Michael was blessed and I'm sure grateful and proud to have you as his Mum also.

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

Just when you feel like you've been given too much to handle, you read a post like yours and realize that someone else has a much heavier load to carry.

The amount of loss you have experienced is just incredible.  Yet, you reach out with every keystroke you can muster  .......

Blessings to you!  May the universe be kinder in the coming months .......

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

Thank you for the email address.  I noted it and when the time feels right, perhaps I'll share some of my "woes".  In comparison to losing Jason, they are all minor but they are also one more thing to deal with such a little reserve of "dealing" energy.

Love!

[ericasmom]

Bonnie,

as you know, life goes on, even when we doubt our ability to join in. I have always felt that the only thing I can count on is this moment and in some ways that is freeing, we don't get to count on more than right now, so making now count is important. Sometimes making it count simply means to let yourself sit in the sun, or stare at the moon, or whatever feels right. There are plenty of must-do things, so doing something that isn't a must, just a want is important to center yourself again.

For whatever reason, I have had to say goodbye to many people I know, but saying goodbye to Eri is the hardest goodbye of course. Finding the energy to start and finish a day in her light is however a joy, not always easy, nevertheless, a joy. She starts me and she is my ending prayer, Dear God and Erica...and throughout the day I have little talks to her. I am reinvigorated by my thoughts of her, but certainly within those times, I am brought to tears. It is in those tears however, that I am washed and made ready again, to step into the moments that await. I speak her name often to those around me, and in doing so, her energy fills the room.

My troubles are no more heavy than anyone elses, they piled up for some reason, but our sadness and heavy hearts are what we carry and will always carry.Its all relative and when we are needing to use more energy to get through or around an obstacle...well our reserves are not full. On days when the weight seems to lighten, it is a thread of gold or silver woven into our herarts, making the necessary room to house our loss next to our joys.

Trudi, sounds like a wild first day, I am so happy that you were able to do this. I hope you'll share more about what you are doing so that I can picture this. Good sleep again and uplifting days.

Peace one day,

dee

[ericasmom]

a photo I took the autumn following Eri's leaving. The light seemed to shower through nest to where I was standing right after I asked Eri, "where are you Erz?"

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  Such a beautiful photo, and surely the "light" was your wonderful Eri, letting you know that she was there, and always will be.  I echo Bonnie's words regarding your terrible losses over the past years and how you still continue to reach out and offer comfort and direction to so many others as they begin this sad journey we all find ourselves on.  the tragedies of our lives seem to pale in comparison to the one that brought us here, and yet our heart breaks with each one that touches us. 

Mom2Sarah:  I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.  I also believe, as Bonnie said, that our children have led us here, to be with one another, to comfort and "carry" each other when the need is there.  We share our sorrows and find ourselves a little less burdened as we sign off, as we also help to carry the burden of others who are here, to help them lighten their load, as well.  The joys we share help us to continue, to move along, never forgetting, but making progress nonetheless.  As time goes on, you will find your pain will soften, as others have said, and you will find a day in the future when you will wake up and greet the sun and find your sweet daughter's face somewhere in its rays.  It will warm you, and it will stay with you always, even on the dark days.  Please remember that we are always here, ready to listen, comfort, and understand.

Tomorrow we head for the ballpark, all eight of us, each of us sporting Mike's birthday button, tears mixed in with the smiles and sweet memories of games gone by when he was there, cheering and yelling and leading the way for us to learn what true passion is all about...according to Mike and the Red Sox!  His boys are all excited about going to the game, though his little one is not yet ready to take on such an adventure...hopefully, I asked his mom, one day next year...

I may have shared this before, and if I have, please forgive my "aging brain."  The dreadful year that Mike was diagnosed with brain cancer followed that wonderful year that will forever live in every Red Sox fan's heart-- the year that they won the World Series for the first time in 86 years, and as every other fan, Mike was as proud as if every team member was his brother, and he had personally coached them to this terrific, long-awaited accomplishment.   One day, not too long after Mike's second brain surgery and receiving the life-changing news that the brain cancer was indeed terminal, we put our sorrows on a shelf for a bit, and Mike and I attended a particularly great game at Fenway.  After the game, in high spirits, we headed to the sports store across the street from the park...Mike was looking for a "tie-dyed" Red Sox shirt, hoping to combine his left over hippie bent with his lifelong passion for his team, having seen a similar shirt on a few fans during the game.   We were both scanning the multitude of shirts posted on the wall, not seeing the treasured tie-dye one he was looking for, when at the same moment, our eyes fell on a particular shirt tucked in a corner display...we looked at each other, and not knowing whether to laugh or cry, we finally did both, and just stood there in the store and hugged each other, laughing, tears streaming down, as the irony of the saying on that shirt overtook our emotions.  On the front of the shirt, under a "World Series Champions - 2004" logo were words in reference to the tenacity of fans who had stuck with this team for so many years:  "NOW I CAN DIE IN PEACE."   This story is a perfect example to me of how much our hearts are intertwined with tears and smiles when memories come marching through...  Mike finally found the shirt he was looking for, and whenever he would wear it, we would think of that day when the tears and laughter mingled, and brought us closer as we hugged our pain away. 

As we approach the celebration of his life, the memories sometimes overwhelm me and bring me to my knees, but I treasure every one, and feel blessed for the gift that was Mike.

Mike, I know that you will be with us at the game, celebrating along with us…hugging each of us with your love and joy.  Keep us going when the awareness of your physical absence intervenes and the tears break through, remind us that you ARE there, you ARE with us, gritting your teeth with the rest of us when the team seems to be all thumbs, and, and just as passionately cheering and yelling when they can do no wrong, and we will remember once again that the joy and passion we feel is a part of your legacy to all of us, and we will carry that legacy with us, always.  We love you so much, and miss you beyond mere words. 

love and peace,

carol   mikesmomrs

an early birthday message:

Mike's button:

 

[ericasmom]

Wow Carol, Now I can die in peace has to be one very poignant memory, a time shared with your boy who so bravely faced his fate and you with him, two brave soldiers marching forward into the unknown. GO REDSOX, may they shine today as you gather under the love of Mike. May you all shine today.

Mom to Sarah, I hold you in my heart, my hopes and prayers as you enter this world that is a new land. Not a land any of us wished to visit, to live. It will not always be this surreal, but it will for a while be a difficult path to walk. As Bonnie, Carol, Kay, all the folks here, Trudi too, Patty and Sonya and Sue, we all know the absolute ache of waking in a day that no longer holds our babies. And we close our eyes each night in that same ache...I can only offer that it will not always be this raw. It will be a raw time for a while however, so remember that and do not feel you must hurry through this, or that others expectations of you should matter that much, the reality is, this is a life altering change, and it will take however much time it takes to find your balance again.

To all, the people and events that have made life tricky since Eri died, have definitely shaped my life, but I don't want to give the impression that I was close friends with each of these folks when they died. These were people that were my friends over time, closer to many when we were younger and our kids were little, but nevertheless, friends. Sometimes it just hurts to have had to say goodbye to so many in just 5 years.

Eri reminds me however, as she did when I snapped that photo, that time on Earth is not the key, but how it is spent. that no matter what, she is with me along this journey and that she is beautiful and free. I am grateful for her reach, her loving messages.

And I am grateful for the generous hearts here. It is here that our hearts can fully be met and nurtured.

Dee

 

[johnnysmama]

Trudi

I felt the same way you described going back to work and then in the end I think it saved me. Hang in there, you are doing great and keep us posted.

 

Dee

I love Eri's energy/light picture-how strong she is. Your beginning and ending of your days with her really touched me. It is like they are still so much a part of our lives even if we cant touch them-I need to remember that. It is so hard though.

 

Carol

Bless you and your family today-esp. Mike. I love the buttons and the sign. Wear those buttons through your tears and smiles and know we are there with you and so is Mike. Your t-shirt story was overwhelmingly beautiful. Something or someone knew that shirt was there waiting for him to find and of course he found it with his loving Mom. What a memory to cherish in your heart-forever.

 

Take care all.

Kay

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

Breathtaking ...... especially with the explanation!

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

Could you have found a more perfect shirt? What a great, sad memory.

Have a good day with Mike and all the others at the ballpark today!

Go Sox! This one's for Mike!  Love the pictures!

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[daveydow1]

Dee,

Oh my goodness-----what a breathtaking photo that you were able to

capture. It's like Eri was saying   "I'm right here with you, Mom" !   A

scene like that does not come along too often.  One day about a month

ago, my husband and I saw the most beautiful, vibrant-color rainbow

when we were in the car.  Of course I didn't have a camera with me, and

probably wouldn't have been able to take a good picture, but it doesn't

matter now---I will always remember it, and think of Davey.  Eri wanted

to warm your heart and ease your sorrow.  These wonderful  signs from

our children keep our hopes alive until we see them again.  That was a

ray of hope from Eri's little white soul.  Thanks for sharing.

                   Daveysmom,   Sherry

[ericasmom]

Hey Sherry, yes, it is the little white soul of Erica, my ray of sunshine. I do agree, the signs and messages that are about, are the ways our children can reach us, reach out to us, make us see that the magic that they give us is never gone. Never.

Her love tucks me in each night.

May your Davey show you many a rainbow, his light and color a symbol of his love.

Dee

[ericasmom]

Carol,

how was the game? I know Mike was there, dancing on the field and sitting beside you. I love the photos of the signs and he pin. He must have very much enjoyed his birthday.

Trudi, more work tomorrow? Whatever the day offers, I know you will use your keen instincts to follow it through. I pictured you taking your bracelet off in order to work, and I thought, my goodness, this woman knows her boy is with her on this new segment of her life. He cheers you on as do we.

Bonnie, may tomorrow bring you some little chunk of magic, of something golden. Somehow, may you sense good things coming your way.

Kathy, new computer soon?

Claudia, are you out there? Miss you.

Keith's Mom, let us know how you are.

To All, a good sleep, and dream/visits of our babies.

dee

[mikesmum]

Hey fellow travellers - Firstly, Dee, such a light, pure, direct and hypnotic....I find these when I am not looking......amazing, ERi most definitely around you.

Carol - the humour in finding that particular shirt with that message at such a time...I don't know why but I had a feeling Mike had that 'black humour' that would see him through.  Hope the day was another memorable one and next year the youngest grandson can be part of the ritual!

Bonnie - I don't know how I would handle it if Mike had been my only child.  The relationships with Steven and Melissa have altered dramatically and that in itself finds my heart breaking at times......... Jason as with all our children have been here for a reason, even though we might not see it through all the heartache & tears.  I truly believe you are now and will always be Jasons mum.  The boys I believe are around us making sure we don't get to 'emotional'!

As for the work.  Well, after giving up physical labour 14yrs ago with the theory you work with your brain not you back as you get older it has come as quite a shock!  The average age of the group I work with is 18.  The manager and assistant manager average age 29!  It is learning curve in so many ways.........

I have learnt that I am not able to work longer than 4hrs at a time....and then I am stuffed!! 

But I have definitely found that I need to work....at something. 

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Dee!  I'm here...  just chillin' and reading.    Sometimes it's good not to be the one talking....  It gives me a chance to ponder.

Love y'all!