Loss of an Adult Child

[shellbellsmom]

Bonnie and Kay I am so sorry that your boy’s fiancée’s relationships have been so difficult since their passing. I know the reason my daughters BF moved far away is to not have daily reminders so he could move on…he is only 23 now and was just fresh out of college when she died.  (also Michigan’s economy is pretty grime right now).  But it must add to the pain that they aren’t with you in your grief, have moved on so quickly, or are now living a very destructive lifestyle.  Bonnie the Christmas picture is so precious with everyone in their matching pajamas…

As for the boxes intended to pass on to my children when they got older….I still have them in our basement.  Now that Michelle is gone I haven’t the foggiest idea what to do with everything.  She was a pack rat and saved everything.  Even every letter she ever received.  There are three extra large storage bins just full of her 22 years.  I also have one that I saved all her old school work, art projects, report cards, retreat journals, baby blankets and even handmade sweaters and booties my grandmother knitted her.  I did put her baptismal garment and candle into the casket.  The funeral director told me he placed the garment on her with her folded hands holding onto her candle she was baptized with.   I spoke many times with my kids that when they moved out on their own they were to take their saved bins to pass onto their families and children.  Now what?  What do I save…how can I let go of her possessions, as they meant so much to her.  My son has told me he’s fine with the few things of hers he took.  (Video game machine and games and her old license plate).  One of the young girls on my Leukemia and Lymphoma team is having a garage sale with all proceeds benefiting our walk so I plan to gather old photo frames, board games, stuffed animals, books, Cd’s video tapes and what else I think would sell that I could live without of hers.  Her old prom/homecoming dresses my niece is going to take as she is just getting to that age and wants to wear them.  Her laptop computer went to her cousin. But there is so much more….her stories/projects  from school, all her photographs (I will keep any with her in them), her clothes, her blankets (she had around 7 or 8 that friends made for her) its just making me weary just thinking about getting rid of her belongings. 

As for the Christmas tree…that was a big topic in our family last year.  We agreed not to put up the old one (artificial (due to allergies) and purchased the year she was born) and get a new smaller one.  I didn’t want to have anything to do with it and told my husband to get whatever.  We did have one up….but we also had a palm tree (artificial) put up in our small front room in memory of Michelle.  Friends and family brought us ornaments for her tree and we also had her handmade ones displayed on it.  The tree still remains up (see picture below).  We wrapped pink (her fav color) lights around the base.  Now when do we take that down…my husband says he doesn’t care if we ever take it down. 

Dee I will keep your ex Michael in my prayers….Leukemia is a hard disease…much pain the patient has to bear…I will pray that his suffering is minimal and that his recovery is rapid. Take Care,

Sue

[shellbellsmom]

Sorry I meant to share this in the last post.  I want to know if others feel they fall into, or coincidently run into other parents who have lost children when they least expect too.  Almost like having a sign on our faces I am one of you. I was at a Con-Ed class this weekend (in a different town I normally take it in) and was one of the last to enter the conference room…there were no more seats so the instructor quickly found me another table in the very back of the room.  Minutes later another lady walked in and sat next to me. She mumbled…”I am just not into this today….then proceeded to say she had just lost her 36 year old daughter 1 month ago to cancer.  I was baffled as it was a rather large group and what a coincidence we sat next to one another, and I am usually always early but this time arrived rather late.  She needed to talk…and I was there to listen.  She told me I think you were supposed to sit next to me.  We talked during breaks and totally understood where each one of us was coming from.  It sure was a comfort to me to have someone that understood the struggles of every day life with me. 

Also I think I mentioned this before but was rather bummed that I hadn’t seen my Michelle in any of my dreams lately.  We’ll she came into one this last Sunday morning yet I knew I was dreaming in my dream…I heard someone say something and I said “that sure sound like Michelle’s voice and then she said something to me….But for the life of me can’t remember what…but I knew it was her talking then I saw her sitting down…so I grabbed her and gave her a huge kiss on her cheek.  Then it was over.    Moments later my husband who had been in the shower came out and said to me “what did you want…you were saying something”.  Were we having this conversation in our room….my husband said he heard me (or someone talking).  I haven’t been known to be a sleep talker.  Anyways, wish I knew what she was saying to me….but it was sure good to see her. Then a bit later on…I fell back asleep and saw my mother playing a board game with my aunt….she had a picture of Michelle sitting on the stairs (she was probably about 4) then as I looked at the photograph it smiled and then made a goofy face (like she always did) at me.  Talk about weird….so I actually saw her twice that morning….then I had a hard time getting out of bed to start the day…I just didn’t want it to end.

Time to get some stuff done around here...Take Care everyone. 

Sue (Proud mother to Michelle)

[johnnysmama]

Bonnie, Sue and Claudia

It almost blows me away how insync we are with our grieving. For some weird reason I have been dreading Christmas this year lately. then I come on here and you two are talking about it!! I was even struggling with the docor/tree thing in my mind, too. I even have tubs of saved Christmas ornaments or decorations in the attic for Johnny some day. What do you do with them? How can I even touch any of that now? Geez how do we deal with their stuff? I have tons of army clothes/uniforms/gear. What to do with that? We all wear some of it but a lot we cannot wear but how do you get rid of it? I want to finish his scrapbooking but I cant "finish" him off in a book and admit those are the last pics I will ever have. Ieven have a hard time wanting pics because Johnny wont be in them-is anyone else feel that, too?

I think we are all at the acceptance point where we have to accept that our precious children are gone forever on earth and now we have to face what we have left of them. It doesnt matter though when they are not coming back. It is weird how at times I think-they are just his things, stuff and other times that stuff can put me over the edge. You sharing your struggle helped me so much not feel alone in my struggle.

 

Sue-thank you for sharing your precious Shell's dreams. They sounded beautiful.

 

Dee-Will say prayers for your ex, Michael and you and Jonathon. Hang in there-you will be a great strength to them both and Eri is up there taking care of you, too.

 

Love you guys, Kay

[4everjoeysmom]

I had shared before, but I had to sort through and get rid of most of Joey's things very quickly.  I live abroad now, and I couldn't take much with me or figure out how (in such short notice) to store anything.  I gave Joey's brother, friends and family what they wanted of clothes and momentos.  I sorted through his whole life in just a few days.  So much of it meant nothing to no one (but maybe me), and what didn't go to others and a ministry hand-out place, I burned by the loads in the barrels at the back of his dad's place.  His dad didn't want anything to do with sorting through stuff--the pain was too immense for him at the time.  I kept Joey's trophies on a shelf for him, along with other precious things, but literally burned what no one else would want, including years of college homework.  It was heart and gut-wrenching, but it had to be done.  I look at it now, and I can't do anythign about it.  I savor the little things I have, and I use some of his things daily, like silverware and bath towels that I bought him when he got his first apartment.  I keep little pieces of reminders around me, and that will have to be enough for now.  There is no looking back and changing anything.  And actually, I feel a freedom that I can't describe in knowing that a day in my future is not lurking and waiting for me to sort through his life so traumatically.  I am probably a rare case, as many leave things the way they were for a long time.  In some ways I have gine through some healing much quicker for having gone through some of those disgarding and choosing, reminiscing and letting go early on.  The things that will always remain (I hope) are my memories, and most definitely the ties of love that binds me and Joey for ever and ever.  That's how I dealt with his things...   I don't expect many people would choose to do it that way, but when the options are none other, you do what you have to do....

I feel for everyone that has yet to do these tasks...  I don't know today if I could let go so freely of so much of the stuff that I let go of while I was numb....

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - Love the picture a truly "Christmas" family.  My heart ached as I read your post.   I have said many times, with the devestation of losing Mike comes the blessings of his siblings and having him for 31 yrs. 

Sue - tears fall as I read your post. I imagine that sweet girl wrapped in her Baptismal Blanket, holding her candle.......peaceful after such a journey in life.

As for the keepsakes, belongings and such. Well, Mikes partner at the time had her friends over the weekend he died and gave away most of his clothing, games, rings etc...  We did got 3 large black bags of his 'old stuff' left on our doorstep.  There were shirts from when he was 16, old shoes, socks, boxers and amongst this was a bundle of cards.  He had kept each birthday card I had given him from his 18th to his 30th.  Letters of encouragement I had written to him when he had lengthy stays in hospital after surgeries for his back and knees.  Emily had his silk 'Marvin the Martian' boxers.......I will keep them all, for as my mind fails me they tell me he was here, I didn't dream him.........

I kept writing books from primary school, programs from school productions, clay models, drawings, sports awards, white gloves from the Deb etc etc...They are my memory box. 

As for Christmas..we have a tree.  The christmas before Mike left we went from a pine tree to a fake tree.  It goes up, ornaments and all.  I won't say it isn't hard cause you all know it is.  But more and more we try to remember the better times, and not shroud each family gathering in the cloak of grief I wrap myself in. 

Dee - I love the prayers on the wind, into the storm.  May they reach their destination and calm the storm surrounding Michael as he mounts the good fight.

Blessed be to all who stay, listen and know.......Trudi

[heartbeataway]

Sue,

I actually have not run into other parents that have lost children. We were the only ones in the grief counseling sessions we attended. The others attending were mostly spouses. I do have a friend that lost her daughter in a car accident 13 years ago and another friend who lost a son before he was born.

You mentioned hearing Michelle's voice. I had a dream last week and heard Jason's laughter. It was magical........

It was a funny dream. He was a hairdresser ...... remember Jason was a mud and trucks guy so a hairdresser is a total opposite. He was highly sought after and his specialty was creative cuts and adding interesting color to his clients. He worked in a real upscale salon and had a penthouse room with hardwood, leather and stainless steel. He had a bicycle with a wicker "cart" attached to the back of it. I had an appointment and didn't know it would be him. He looked great, healthy and fit. He had on black pants and a white shirt.

I haven't dreamed in months and then I dreamed of him. My counselor thinks I'm beginning to accept that he's gone and somehow that is allowing me to dream again. She asked if I realize how often I mention his laughter.

Kay,

Every year from the time Jason was born, we gave him an ornament. He had also been given ornaments by others and I kept them together. I told him that on his first Christmas after he was married, he would get his ornaments. His fiancee wanted them early but I didn't give in. I'm glad now that I didn't. At least I think I am. They would be gone now. I have them but don't know what to do with them. I tried to find ornaments that went along with something memorable from the year. A skateboarder, a snowboarder, a jeep, etc..... When he came for Christmas, he got to put his ornaments on the tree. He would add a couple and look through the rest before he stopped.

I've been told to add them to our tree. Somehow I can't even think about a tree. He was the kind of kid who if he went on a field trip he would buy me something with his spending money. I put a couple of his gifts into the ornaments and hung them on the tree. A small teddy bear with moveable arms and legs from Mount Vernon is one that comes to mind.

I don't know when I'll be able to visit those memories. I donated our tree. I still have the ornaments. .........

Claudia,

Jason lived in Virginia, we live in Texas. His fiancee had a yard sale and we know that she had asked several people if they wanted different things of his.

We flew back to Virginia when we were allowed back in his house. His clothes were piled in the floor of the bedroom. I'm not talking about a neat pile either. My heart, oh my heart .... I'll never forget that feeling. I broke.

His things were put in plastic trash bags and taken back to my sisters house where we were staying. She let me use her game room to sort through things. I went through each bag and folded each piece of clothing and laid them them lovingly on the pool table. I said good-bye with each fold. I let his cousins and close friends choose and take what they wanted.It was easier for them if I wasn't there. I didn't throw anything away and kept some things that I couldn't part with. I sleep in some of his white t-shirts. Rich and Jason wore the same size shoe so he has a lot of those. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I look at pictures today and remember folding the shirt he's wearing. God I love that child!!

Trudi,

Jason was the same age as your Mike.... 31. I also have some of Jay's artwork and writings. I have boxes of his toys packed away with, "For Our Grandchildren" on the top.

Your words, " not shroud each family gathering in the cloak of grief I wear", way heavy in my thoughts. That's the biggest reason we chose not to attend my nephews wedding this past weekend.

I was alone here at home today and thought about the day we learned Jason was gone. The living room where we fell to our knees screaming. The dining room I paced while Jason's Dad called back East to the hospital to confirm that our son was there and that there was no hope. I look out the kitchen window and see the stone wall that Jason in his red plaid pajamas walked along while making calls to friends Christmas day. I can still see the smile on his face and hear his laughter. I open the tray on the front of the sink. The tray that Jason installed for us. His hands touched that tray .......

The family room where we gathered for the Christmas picture. Also the room where we were when "the call" came. The curb out front where the police car with the chaplain parked. They were coming to tell us that Jason was gone. We already knew. The memories were haunting and made me wonder if I want to live in this house with these memories. Especially the living room memories ......

Take good care guys ......

Jason'sMom,Bonnie

[shellbellsmom]

Bonnie, your last paragraph is me but just in a difference place.  I too walk around my house and just let my mind go to the time when Michelle was here…I visualize her laying on our couch (the one she loved so much) all wrapped up in a blanket, or see her sitting on our deck talking to someone on her cell phone (which was attached to her hip), or image her pulling into our driveway when I see a white car drive by….then there is her bedroom….with all her clothes still hanging up in the closet which at times I have worn and her bed which I sleep in some nights.  Then my mind goes to her face when the doctor told her she needed to get to the hospital as she had a critical blood test (4.1 hemoglobin) and needed a transfusion immediately.  She dropped the phone on her bed….and her eyes looked so scared….Oh how I wish that face wasn’t etched into my mind.  I too wish sometimes to move…get as far away from the memories as possible.  Her BF moved to San Antonio to do just that (from MI). I don’t know what the future holds for me….stay put in Michigan, or venture out into the unknown world. 

Take care,

Sue

[heartbeataway]

Good Morning,

This is a link to a motivational clip about finishing strong even after what seems like insurmountable odds. I just thought I would share it.

www.finishstrongmovie.com.html

I had another dream last night......

This time we heard something and went out into the garage. It was built with open walls and we could see that the neighbors were building a structure. It looked like a big metal structure that completely covered their back yard. There were people in our garage. We went out and they said they were borrowing tools from us. We challenged why would they borrow tools when they didn't ask and we didn't know them. They started saying things that let us know we caught them red handed. One guy said that we didn't know what to do with the tools so what good were they to us. I ran to the back of the pick-up loaded with JASON's tools and there was a lady. She was very indifferent and not smiling. I yelled at my husband to call 911. They said call 911 all you want. They can't do anything, you can't prove these were yours. I looked at the lady and ask her if she had children. She smiled and said yes. I then began to tell her that I'm not sure if this will reach your heart or not but these tools belonged to our only son who died 15 months ago. You may think they're nothing but to us anything that belonged to him is precious. Please don't take the few things we have left. I then laid my head on the back of the truck and sobbed. She told the guys to unload the truck......

I'm dreaming! I have no clue what these dreams mean but I'm dreaming again.

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[lagrangel]

Bonnie,

Thanks for the link Finishing Strong. That short movie says it all. It is up to us how we are going to finish no matter what trials we have on this earth. I am approaching the 1 year mark and I need all the help I can get... I will keep that in mind on this never ending journey. The pain is so numbing it is so hard to keep sight of life. I needed this today and it spoke to my heart. Love, Lana

 

[johnnysmama]

Sue and Bonnie

I can so relate to the walking around remembering when our kids were in that room, sat in that chair. I play that game too-is it to remind us they were once here or to remind us that their memories will always be with us? i am not sure. I too think"Johnny touched this 17 months ago or he sat here and ate a steak and drank a beer with us"-almost like he really isn't gone because such a short time ago he was there doing those everyday things-like if I touch that spot I will still feel him with me. My husband and I have the escape talk about once a week. We talk about moving from the house where he skateboarded in the driveway, ran into the mailbox with his Dad's van, spilled oil in the garage working on one of his many cars, where the chaplain and sargent told us he died...our hearts and minds go from good to bad memories here-it is like a ping pong ball in my mind, in my heart. What is the answer? Wont we have the same feelings and memories wherever we are? Will we miss being in the house where he woke up to see what Santa left every year of his life? Or will our pain soften if we are not in the house where I wrote his obituary? What is the answer?

Kay

[johnnysmama]

Lana

Hang in there as you approach your one year mark. Just remember we are all here with you, always and so is your son's love for you.

Stay strong,

Kay

[daveydow1]

Kay,

My husband and I went through the same thing when we considered a

move from our house, where we had so many memories of our son. We

waited (and debated) for four years, then finally sold the house and made

the move. I have found that the feeling of David always being with us is

still felt here in the new place. Of course, it is an entirely individual decision

to make. I believe that we would not have been able to leave the house if

we had tried to make the move earlier. However, for us---we have had no

real regrets. We still think about the old place, and are nostalgic whenever

we look at photos of it, but all in all---we feel that Davey is here with us in

spirit, so that's what is important.  I wish you the best of luck in whatever

you decide. Your son will always be with you.

          Daveysmom,  Sherry

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, could have used your Jason the hairdresser today when I went for a new haircut with a new stylist. I love your dreams, they have a ton of details similar to mine. I too was lucky last night, to have visited with Erica, a very young ERica, when she looked like the Cambells Soup Girl...in my dream she and Jonathan were up and down the steps to the Eleveated trains here in Chicago and again in New York. I do not remember why at this point in the day, but we kept comparing the two cities, and then told the kids that we would be moving to NYC for a new adventure in our lives. Jonathan was part happy and part not because in my dream he was 10 and worried about leaving his buddies. Jon and Eri are only 2.5 years apart but in my dream they were about 6 years apart. All I know is, I loved seeing her, holding her hand as we boarded the train, hearing her little voice, and that crinkled up smile...makes me high all day. I have always had detailed dreams, all of my life, but I tend to go for about 3 or so weeks every 3or 4  months with no recolections, and it becomes frustrating. So I am hoping fo rmore good dreams, I have had plenty of the other.

Bonnie, I too bought an ornament for each of my kids each year, something that reminded me of them, usually from Marshall Fields downtown, and those as well as the ones they picked out each year are my precious saves. I have not had a tree in 5 years, just can't unpack, look at, and repack those thoughts and memories each year. I don't feel able. My friend however, who lost her son who my kids both knew, has a tree and each year, Josh's friends come over and decorate it. It is a great thing for her, so there is no one way...Josh died at age 18 a year and a half before Eri. He died at college. JOan and I are pretty close in our grief. I also have a friend Sarah, whose daughter, Alice, died at age 4. Ali would be 20 now. I was with Alice pretty much everyday of her life, and I knew she was sick, very sick before the doctors would confirm it. I love Alice, my little red-haired buddy, she died at home at age 4 after battling brain cancer for half of her life.  I know another Mom, Marion, whose daughter died last year, I know I told you guys about her. Kathy died on Memorial WEeekend, fell out of a boat and drown along with two others. They were in Alaska working for Americorp. Kathy also went to school where JOsh and ERi attended all of thier lives. Same neighborhood, same kind of background. She does not want to have much to do with Joan and I, just does not want to see herself as a member of this group I think. WE are here for whenever adn if ever she needs us.

Peace to you all,

oh, Kay, until you feel strongly one way or another about moving, stay where you are. I do agree, we will struggle in our loss no matter where we live, but sometims those decisions are best left until your natural leanings come forward.

[mikesmum]

I wonder sometimes if being surrounded by family pictures and posting here doesn't seed my mind for the restless sleep that has become my nightly routine.

Last night I dreamt of Steven as a 4 year old, running through my parents garden of paths, gardens and trees .....I heard Mike whisper 'I am here, you need to look harder'.  I did and saw the kennel our dog slept in.....Confused I followed a 5 year old Melissa through the house where she took my mums hand and wandered off.....Mike whispered again...I am right here.  I looked up and in the top of the cupboard in my old bedroom was his Humphrey B Bear.  A bear his grandpa (my dad) had given him on his first birthday......I cried and cried.  There was bear but no Mike....

In the early hours of this morning the memory of Humphrey got the better of me and I went downstairs.  We have a 'grandbabies room' set up with toys cot and books for overnight stays.  I got up into the cupboard and there on the box where I keep mums wedding dress was Humphrey B Bear......Forgotten for a long time.......but I hugged the stuffing out of that bear....tears tears tears......

I watched the Finish Strong link.....it is true, the circumstance presents and we have the opportunity to approach it in such a way that we grow and gain strength.  In much of my life I have always chosen to learn and grown.....Losing Mike, I thought it would be too hard to learn or grown......but being here has given me the opportunity to learn from others and grown through their experience as well as my own. 

The lesson is long, the strengths vary but for those gone before and those left behind I will each day endeavour to finish strong....

Trudi

 

[shellbellsmom]

I am a very regular dreamer and have been most of my life.  I also dream journal rather than regular journal (I guess posting here is my journaling) and keep a notebook and pen by my nightstand...I also have a book  flashlight my husband got for me attached to my notebook as the old larger one drove him crazy.  Not every night I remember my dreams but I do try to.  What I have found out is that its cheap therapy...and you can learn a lot about yourself by analyzing your dreams.  I frequently visit this website: http://www.dreammoods.com/  to help figure out my dreams.  I usually use the dream dictionary portion of it. So if you have any free time check out this website it’s really pretty interesting and very helpful. I always thought that I was not angry about Michelle’s death as my son and husband were.  But after analyzing my dreams where I would be screaming and swearing at doctors, strangers etc I came to the conclusion  I must be…but able to suppress my anger in daily life.  When I lay down I always tell myself to remember my dreams…this is suppose to help us remember.

Taken from the website;

Sometimes, dreams can be understood in the context of repressed thoughts. Dreaming serves as an outlet for those thoughts and impulses we repress during the day. When we go to sleep at night and slip into our dream state, we feel liberated and behave and act in a manner that we do not allow ourselves in our waking life. Visions and ideas can come from your dreams. Authors, screenwriters and poets turn to their dreams for stories. Artists and musicians explore dreams for their inspiration. Dreams can help us find solutions to our daily problems and see things from a different perspective.

Sweet dreams everyone. And I wish everyone a visit from their love one tonight.

Sue

[4everjoeysmom]

Kay, Sherry is right, and I have read in various articles on grief that we should avoid if at all possible making major decisions for a time--to avoid letting our emotions fuel the decision.  For me, I had already made the huge move to serve in missions 3 months before Joey died.  My decision was weather I should pack it up and return home permanently or follow through with the new commitment I had made.  Either way it was a hard decision, but I opted to stay put.  It's kind of a trade off, I think.  While I don't have all of the "familiar places" haunting me all of the time, I have had deep lonliness and a lack of a support network nearby, especially that of my surviving son and family.  Like others have said, we all still go through the pain of missing our children, because its not neccessarily the familiar surroundings as much as it is the relationship with them that brings the void.  The memories and the love we can always carry wherever we go, and we generally find that we don't need the visual reminders to trigger the moments, good or bad.  They find their way to us well on their own.

Hugs, Claudia

[heartbeataway]

I enjoy you guys so much! Coming here is like reading a good book. When I put a good book down, I can't wait until I can get back to it.

Lana,

The time leading up to the one year mark is so hard. You've lived a whole year without the physical presence of your child. The pain is numbing in some ways but not in others. It's hard to comprehend. We put energy into planning a celebration of Jason's life. We will do it again this year on the second year mark. I wish you strength. It's so hard ....

Trudi,

I'm sorry you're having trouble sleeping. I know how hard it is to function and feel capable when your body hasn't had enough rest.

"There was bear and no Mike ...... " I'm glad you found bear and that you could put it in your arms and hug it as you cried. I enjoyed reading about your dream. I've heard that you have to be in a certain state of sleep to dream. I've always found that I don't feel rested when I dream. Who knows?

Yes, the lesson is long ......... and the associated study very painful.

Dee,

Describing Erica as the Campbell's Soup Girl. What a sweet picture that brought to mind.

I do remember vivid detail at times when I dream. I also feel like I've had a little visit . It makes me think that if I can get little bits of time with Jay even if only in a dream that I might be able to do this .......

I hope for more good dreams for you.

Another tradition we had for Christmas was family pictures. I have a picture of every Christmas in a Christmas frame. I would set them all out in a grouping. It was one of my favorite things. It was normally the picture that we put in our Christmas card.

Oh,well .......

Sherry,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on moving. We know we will not stay in Texas. We don't know exactly where we will end up. We put an offer on a home in Virginia. We still have Jason's business there. The house we found had so much revealed in the home inspection that we decided it wasn't for us.

I haven't reached the place here in this house where the good memories out weigh the bad. Jason didn't grow up here. And we are very cautious to try not to make emotional decisions.

Kay,

"... the home where I wrote his obituary....." Does it get any harder? I don't know what the answer is. I think I will go to my grave looking for the answer.

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[briansdad]

I'll be short and sweet.Here is what was on a pen one of the parents gave out at the gathering in memory of her son.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.It's about learning to dance in the rain.

SO how bout it ladies? Shall we dance

Sleep well. I think of your kids often.

[mikesmum]

Greg - yes I will to dance to the music of Mikes life.......

[ericasmom]

We dance into the night, then into the day, and we continue our dance...a dance marathon as we carry our steps and our fancy footwork in and out of the many facets of our lives. Our children are proud of this I think.

In the old life, ERica couldn't stand it when I danced at weddings or gatherings, but I can't sit still when there is music, nor could she. We have both been accused of dancing to the tune of a different drummer.

You know that dream Trudi, when Mike kept saying; " just look closer, I am here..." I love that he led you to the Bear, and you looked in your dream and then you looked in your waking life, and there was the Bear that Mike loves. He is right there, he is everywhere you are because he loves you so fully. He is in a fold of time, a slant of light, he is woven into you, he is the fabric of your heart.

Lana, be good to yourself as you find your footing approaching the date that marks one year. It is as others have said, harder leading up to it than the actual day, at least for many parents. Sometimes a low hits afterwards, the days after, as you start out on year 2...but you know that you will find your way up to the surface again. Do what  you feel would be best for YOU on that day, whether it be the cemetery, a movie, being alone, or being with others, whatever it is, do what you think is best. Give yourself a hug from us, as you make your way and let us help you if we can, over the challenging days, the days will get better, I promise.

Sue, I will check out that site thanks, I have always been rather involved in dreams, and as you might know from this place, I have told this before so forgive my repitition,  I had 3 dreams a few months before Eri was killed...all of them woke me in terror as something was about to happen to Eri. A fourth dream was me in front of the church giving ERica's eulogy. And I did help give her eulogy.

Claudia, I think that Joe is quite proud of you to continue on in your committment in South America. I think I might have done the same thing, grief is grief no matter where we live, as grief finds a home in us. It is our job then, to make sure it does not take all of our rooms. I know however, it must be hard on you to not have the support of extended family and old friends. I have a feeling that the idea of Joe, the energy of him, helps you deliver what is most needed in your work.

God Bless,

Dee

[mikesmum]

there was the Bear that Mike loves. He is right there, he is everywhere you are because he loves you so fully. He is in a fold of time, a slant of light, he is woven into you, he is the fabric of your heart.

Dee - beautifully expressive, so true so true.  I have always believed my dad and now Mike are in a fold of time just left of where I am. Dad had a border collie on the farm.  He was a constant in my dads life both working on the farm and later when we made the move to the city.  He never left his side. I remember when he died.  Dad silently carried him home.  You could see the tears in dads eyes, he had lost a true friend.

A month after Mike had gone, I was a non functioning mess (nothing like the non functioning mess I am now!) when I stumbled on a puppy.  (You might have seen the pictures).     Muttley, popped up out of a litter of shitzu/maltese.....a border collie, only smaller in stature.    I felt Dad had sent the pup to  me, to let me know he was watching out for me.  To let me know that Mike was with him.......

Lana - It is true, the days leading up to special dates truly are harder than the actual day...No idea why, they just are.  Best I can offer, is be kind to yourself and allow yourself space.....

Sue - Yep dreams release the thoughts that the subconscious hold at bay......I might need to write a dream journal...my other half doesn't seem interested when I wake and talk about my last full length feature.....

Bonnnie - this is like a good book. Full of insight, drama, life experience and self help all rolled into one............

Take Care -

 

[ericasmom]

I have read bits and pieces of good and not so good books over the last 5 years, one that I appreciate is called; The Worst Loss.

Trudi, love that you said; not the functioning mess that I am now. I love this line, I understand this line.

Bonnie, I too feel that coming here is like getting time alone with my favorite book, we are comrades.

off for a bike ride, the humidity is gone, the air is cleaner and I need some pedal time. Tomorrow, my friend Kristine adn I will head out to the lakefront again, attempt the 40 mile.

Dee

[shellbellsmom]

Lana, I can also say the anticipation of the one year date is worst than the date it’s self.  Just 2 weeks ago was my daughter’s one year mark.  My stomach was in knots for weeks before...the thought of that day consumed me...when it arrived; it was just another sad day, no worse, just another sad day. Spent the day very low key.  The  hardest part was going to bed….I usually try and get to asleep around 10:30 or 11 but this night I just couldn’t do it…something about when I wake up its would be year 2.

[4everjoeysmom]

I had a bit of the same feeling entering year 3 when I went to bed on Jul 31st.  Today I am remembering being in labor with Joey exactly 26 years ago... and tomorrow is his Birth Day.

The rain of tears through the reign of those years... 

"The hardest rains always leave indelible imprints."-- from my daily devotional today at RZIM

[daveydow1]

Mikesmum,

What a nice picture of Mike and his little bear. The photos that we all have

of our children, when they were babies or tots etc really can bring tears to

the eyes. ANY picture of them, for that matter. I have Davey's toy monkey.

What a  treasure it is to me------one ear missing, the other moth-eaten, and

his head flattened a bit on one side from being held at bedtime. He sits on

my dresser now.  You're right----they are a fabric of our hearts.

Peace to you.

     Daveysmom,    Sherry   

[mikesmum]

Thanks Sherry - My mum died 18 months before Mike and all her photos and albums came to me.  I have only recently begun the task of sifting through them.  The picture of Mike is taken at my parents house and is one of a number in Mum & Dads albums......Treasures each page!

Trudi

[johnnysmama]

Trudi

Love all the pics you share, I enjoy getting to know our precious babies and about their lives. Mike holding the bear grabbed my heart.

 

Sherry

Just wanted to say you are a wonderful, sweet support person here. You always have such kind, gentle words.

 

Claudia

Thinking of you today-with the birth day of your precious Joey. Can only say that better that he was here the short time than not at all and try to celebrate his glorious life that you did get to experience, Try to wrap your mind around all those beautiful memories of your beautiful boy's life here. I have to believe he is in heaven celebrating, hopefully with all our kids. They seem to be all a fun bunch that would get along great and support each other just like their parents. Take care and be gentle with you today.

 

Everyone, take care and peace to you

Kay

[johnnysmama]

Greg

I am trying to learn to dance in the rain-but most of the time it is while tears are streaming down my face....

Kay

[briansdad]

Kay,

I understand.We're only human.I never in my wildest dreams could ever imagine anything this hard.That's why we're here to hold one another up when we can't take another step.

[4everjoeysmom]

Greg, I didn't exactly dance in the rain today, but I rode in the back of a pick-up truck, in the rain, standing up.  It was a blast!!  I was invited to go on a little day trip today, so I decided, why not?  We walked up to the main road, about 3 km from the house, and hitched a ride to nearby Nanegalito with a passing pick-up.  Then when we found out only a morning and evening bus serviced Mindo, (where we wanted to go), we hired a driver to take us--a 30 minute ride that cost us $14.  Not bad!!  (Can't touch that rate in the States!)  We had a great pizza for lunch, and some amazing home-made ice cream in warm home-made waffle cones later, for dessert.  We found out right after the pizza that the only bus back to nanegalito was leaving in 5 minutes.  Bummer!  So we decided to chance it and stayed.  Glad we did, or we never would have had the ice cream.  We did a lot of walking and checked out the plethera of tropical vegetaion and flora everywhere--very cool.  At 4pm we hopped in the back of a truck that took us to the main road--a very bumpy, adveturous 10 minute ride, in the rain, and so much fun.  We then hopped a bus from the main road back to Nanegalito, and caught a pick-up that took us home.  It was an amazingly adventurous 6 hours.  I am sitting here and thinking now that I did exactly what Joey would have wanted me to do in celebration of his birthday.  I had fun!  I sure do miss him, but sometimes we find joyful moments in the most unexpected ways.  I'm thankful for that.......and for the rain! 

[heartbeataway]

HAPPY

BIRTHDAY

JOEY !!

[janjan]

please tell me how to cope it will be one year in october since i lost my son and i am not coping very well at all

[4everjoeysmom]

Thanks all for Joey's birthday wishes.  It means so much!!

Dear JanJan, I am so sorry for your loss and knwoing that you are not coping well.  At 10 months into my loss, I was not coping well at all either.  I just hit the 2 year mark last Thursday, followed by Joey's birthday today.  I can honestly say I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was emotionally last year at this time, and farther still from the beginning months of the journey, yet sometimes I feel I have so far to go.  The daily coping is easier now--the edges a little more dull rather than sharp and stabbing at my heart 24/7.  Although 24/7 I never forget Joey.  I miss him so much.

The only advice I can give is to allo wyourself to openly grieve as much as you need to.  be gentle with yourself.  Take one breath and one moment at a time.  And hang on tight when the waves of grief crash around you and take you under.  I learned over time that I always surface after a wave, and as more time passes, I am able to surface much quicker.  The waves are less frequent--some still being strong, and others more mild.  I can smile again when I think of Joey, although many times there are still tears.  The journey is similar for us, but unique to each individual in many ways.  There is no right or wrong way--just take care of yourself in the process.  What helped me tremendously was knowing that if so many others could survive this pain day in and day out, year after year, then so can I.  I am inspired and encouraged by many here.

Come visit often if it helps.  I know it helps me oftentimes to not feel so lonely and alone on this journey.  BIG HUGS, Claudia

[janjan]

thankyou so much for helping me with,especially at such a sad time for you ,it took me a while to read it for wiping the tears away.mt son lee was 21 on 2nd october and he was killed on the 8th he left a two week old daughter behind and every time i have got my lovelly grandaughter all i seem to do is cry whishing what could be. i also have a daughter who is going to turn 18 on 7th october which i am dreading, and it is not fair on her.

[heartbeataway]

JanJan, you're at a tough point in your journey. And  you might find once you pass the one year mark, that the time leading up to it will be harder than the actual day. And brace yourself, but year two was almost harder for me.

The first year you're numb, in shock, learning how to grieve and struggling to accept the loss.  You have the "firsts" to deal with.  It's same song different verse in the second year.  Only you're starting to accept the loss and learn how to live with it.

The grief journey is non-linear.  Someone said,  baby steps and deep breaths.

I've said so many times that Jason was like air to me and I'm having trouble breathing without him.

Allow yourself to grieve but try to honor your child by allowing yourself to live. I've also said that Jason did so much more than die. 

We're going to celebrate our second year without him in October with a celebration of his life.  He died in April.

Hang in there.  Pour your heart out with your keyboard. We'll listen with our eyes and respond with our broken hearts.

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

Also, our wedding anniversary is April 25th. Jason died April 28th. We made the decision to celebrate our anniversary going forward on the anniversary of our first date which is January 25th. You do what you need to do to get through ......

[janjan]

i dont no what to say apart from thankyou so much and i hope i can become as brave as you right now i dont know were all these tears are coming from, it seems as though crying is like breathing to me. i cant seem to wait for my husband and two children to go to bed then i can have a good cry.

[4everjoeysmom]

Yes, Jan!  The tears...oh the tears!  I cried until my eyes felt like wells gone dry,and they stung and hurt so badly--so puffy i could barely see at all.  And then I cried some more...

Like you, I have to hurdle some difficult days in the mix of celebrations for others.  Joey's younger brother (by one year) has a birthday on the 10th of August.  Two years ago he didn;t even want to have a birthday, because we had lost Joey 10 days before.  Last year was sad, but we had to carry on as best we could.  This year we feel a little stronger, and I suspect the strength to carry on will continue to grow over time.  I know it will be difficult for you this first year especially, and for your daughter.  Your precious son would want you to do something special for her.  So maybe right now, before it gets even harder on you and closer to the day, plan something for her--even if it's to ask a friend or family member to shop for you or with you and/or help to plan something.  Turning 18 is a big deal.  And as hard as it is that her brother will not be part of the celebration, she still needs to feel like her day is special--like she is special.  Maybe buy her a day at a spa--maybe for the both of you...  with a much needed massage.  It doesn't have to be super energetic--just something to let her know you love her and care.  Ask her what she would like, and then maybe go from there...

I think that's the most difficult part--continuing to be a mom to our surviving children.  It's hard to be motivated and have energy from all of the grief and tears.  We feel so weighted down and incomplete.  And it seems like such an oxymoron to have lost a child yet be thinking about celebrating something--anything at all.  But I find that it;s a timy bit easier when I consider what Joey might have done or would want to do for his brother's birthday.  Knowing Joey, he would want to have a party and be the center of attention, leaving his brother to wonder whose birthday is it really?!     But I'm sure he would want Patrick to smile and feel loved.  Do what you can in the best way you can, and whatever is too difficult, grit your teeth, hold on tight, and at least try if you can...  you'll be amazed when you take baby steps forward.  As Bonnie mentioned though, there will be steps backward.  The second year can be more difficult in many ways.  But you survived the hardest part already.  Now it's just learning to walk through life again, but with a different step--like walking in shoes that are rubbing blisters but not being able to stop and take them off.  Ouch!!  If only we could take off these dreaded shoes we walk in....

Yes, today is sad.  But it's also one of the most precious days of my life...the anniversary of when my first love came into the world--my first born.  I never imagined I could love like that.  That love is what sustains me now through the pain.  And if anything I say today touches another and helps in someminute way, then I have honored my son more than I could have hoped to.  Bless you!!  ~Claudia

 

[janjan]

you have certainaly honored your son,GOD BLESS YOU

[heartbeataway]

JanJan,  You might consider talking to a doctor about your feelings. I ended up taking medication.  I thought I was losing my mind and I was in no control of emotions. I'm still not at times.  Especially if I encounter someone who doesn't know that Jason's gone or folks who ask if I have children, grandchildren, etc.  Jason was my only child.

You have other children who need you and need you to take care of yourself so that you can take care of them.  They are also grieving the loss.

Try to imagine what your son would say to you. After Jason died, a niece had a dream that Jason was in Heaven and looking over crying his heart out.  He said he couldn't be at peace because I was so upset.

I encourage you to see a doctor or talk to someone professionally. You will never get over your loss, none of us will. But you can feel better physically and soften the blow emotionally.

All the best,

Jason'sMom,Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Claudia,

Acts of Love never cease to amaze me.

Listen to you ......  on a day when you are sadly ( admit it!) celebrating the life of your first born who is not physically with you any longer, you reach out in love to another grieving Mom.

Joey's smiling down at you!  Not only for the day and the pizza and ice cream and playing in the rain in the back of a pick-up but for reaching out in love to JanJan.  For not putting yourself first.

You are paying it forward ........... bless you!

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[4everjoeysmom]

jan, I am glad you are finally feeling up to posting.  I see that you really only posted once before tonight, and that was last year.  It takes a while to even muster the energy, and whether you realize it or not, you just took a huge step in beginning to "share".  Openin up is good medicine.  It's therapeutic, cathartic if you will.  Spill out as much as you want on these pages, because the beauty of BI is knowing that someone else here knows and understands what you feel, what you are going through, and that you are NOT crazy.  It's hard for all of us who have lost a child.  And the way your son was taken is so traumatic, like mine.

If I may go off the path for a second...   One of the things that trapped me into anxiety was the replay over and over and over again of how Joey died, and my thoughts about what that moment must have been like, and my wild imagination with so many unanswered questions.  I finally had to surrender my thoughts or they would have taken over me and truly would have driven me crazy.  In time I was able to consider that the light of the train was transformed into the Light of the Lord, and that Light picked my son up off those tracks and carried him home.

I don't know of what faith or background you come from.  But I do know that if we are able to transform our thoughts, slowly we begin to be able to take back control of our minds.  Instead of replaying scenes of death over and over again, we learn to play the memories of life and love, and even laughter...in time.

I still think of those last moments from time to time.  But I catch myself most of the time wjen my thoughts begin to wander there, and I force my thoughts to move to something less devastating.  True, it is devastating that Joey is gone.  But also true, I am still alive.  It must be because I have a purpose here, and though I am still discovering all of what that entails, I know as long as I am alive I will do anything I can to not let Joey's passing be for nothing.  I think that's the journey for so many of us now.  What can we do to make a difference, perhaps help another, and not let this be in vain?  For those of us who have other kids, we can begin by recognizing that our children have lost a sibling and cannot afford to lose their mother too.  For those who have lost an only child, I ache so much fo rnot knowing what to say next...  and I am so very sorry I have no words, because I cannot possibly know what you feel.  Forgive me...  Much love and Gigantic HUGS, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, I am sending you Big Hugs.  It makes me so very sad in trying to encourage another, to perhaps say something that will only bring pain for another...as maybe my last post did.  And for that I wish there was more I could offer.  I hate that your Jason is gone and that he is all you had.  I think of you so often, almost haunting in a way, and it reminds me to pray that much more for your comfort, for some kind of peace to find you...  You are so sweet, and I hate that loss like this is so random, affecting the best of parents as well as the worst.  Bless you too, my friend!

[ericasmom]

Happy Birthday Joey, may you always get a view of your Momma laughing in the rain, what a great gift to you Joseph. Just what you would have your Mom do, enjoy the unknown adventures that await down the road. You must be proud of her as she is you.

Peace Joey,

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, You make me smile.     Bless you!

[lagrangel]

Jan,

   You have came to a good place when you need help and support. I am sooo glad that I found this sight. I used it often in the first months and helped me get through those dark hours. Your daughter has also lost her brother maybe not the same as a parents loss but she is hurting. I think the surviving children are very good at hiding their feelings. I have two sons that lost their brother and lost their "normal parents" at the same time they lost their brother. They are dealing with alot. I would try to have something for your daughters birthday. I know it is so hard but it will really means something to her. My son will be gone 1 year next week. The first birthday we had to deal with was my son who's twin brother died. It was Dec. 12. 4 months after Brent's death. We had a birthday celebration for Brian. We took him out to eat and then had a cake and presents for him.  Yes, it was hard but we had to have that special day for Brian to celebrate his birthday. I am sure it was difficult for him becasue we always celebrated the boys birthday together and bought each one their own cake. So as hard as it was on us it was hard on sweet Brian. So if you are emtionally able I think your daughter would love it. I am sorry for you hurt. It just seems to be up and down but I can really say I have more good days than bad days at this point in time. I still cry and get sad and have a hard time breathing at times but I can laugh and share my life with my friends, and family. I was able to go to a support group for 6 weeks and it helped me in many ways. Don't be afraid to ask for help and take care of yourself, Love Lana

[ericasmom]

My Goodness Claudia,,

what a great way for you to spend the day. I am proud of your adventures spirit. That you trusted in the day is beautiful, the day that brings such sweetness because it belongs to your beloved Son. I love that you and your friend just let the day unfold as you did, trusting that you would find your way home when it was time. Good for you, you renew that sense of self-reliance and serendipity. You must have shone like a star in the rain on the back of that truck. Makes me feel so happy.

I sent silent prayers to the water and sky along the beautiful lakefront for all of us today, naming our children and each of you as I rode my bike along Lake Michigan from the southside to the north. 40miles. My legs will be sore tomorrow, but that is just fine, as the day was gorgeous and the different blues of sky and water would make a painter weep. I am refreshed.

Sleep deeply everyone, and feel all the love around you,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Happy Birthday Joey!  

Claudia what a great adventure. Pizza and ice cream....sure Joey wasn't your tour guide?

JanJan - I am so sorry for the loss of your son.  Losing a child, something none of us would have ever understood, before we came to be here.  Each loss is accompanied by what seems to be a neverending collection of sadness.  Mike died 1 week before his nieces 8th birthday.  He left a baby girl 16 months old. Then came is birthday, mothers day, my birthday.. It seemed I was in a neverending spiral of tears, broken in everyway possible. How I was supposed to go on with out my son, my heart, my soul.......

Harder still, how to be the mum I had been for 31 yrs to Mikes brother Steven and his sister Melissa.  By all accounts I checked out for about 18 months.......I even missed my new granddaugters first year......she was born 3 weeks before Mike left.

Being here, sharing my grief, sharing my son has helped so much.  I meet people like yourself struggling as we all did in our first year.  Bonnie and Kathy, who lost their beautiful children suddenly without explanation.  Claudia, who helps so many whose heart was shattered by the loss of her first born. Avril and Sally who have lost her young sons.  Greg a son, Dee a daughter.  Carol and Michelle a son and daughter , Betsy, a son (superman), Sherry a son Davey and Debbie who lost her daughter and grandson at the one time.........the list is enormous(I apologise to those I might have missed) .....and is second only to the love and support each one gives freely here......

Best I can offer is to come as often as you need, post when you can, share what you feel comfortable with.  If you are struggling at home with family or life in general, please seek out a counsellor that you feel you can connect with. Someone in the field of grief and grieving.......But most of all - allow yourself to grieve.  Take each day minute by minute one breath at a time...........Trudi

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, Again, you made me smile.  SERENDIPITY is engraved in mine and Michael's wedding bands.  That word has a lot of special meaning for us.    As for self-reliance, I don't count on it much.  But I do rely wholeheartedly on my faith and the Holy Spirit as my guide, for sure.  I felt very free and protected yesterday, which allowed for a super-amazing-adventurous-day-without worry or angst.

Trudi--When I read "Pizza and Ice Cream" in your post, it immediately reminded me of birthday celebrations past, when we would take the boys to Chuck-E-Cheese and have awesome parties with Pizza, Cake and Ice Cream.  I celebrated more than I even realized yesterday.  HOW SERENDIPITOUS!!! 

 

[daniellemom]

JanJan,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter Danielle on Oct 11, 2007 she was 21 years and 21 days old. Her brothers 18th birthday was Nov. 23 just over a month after her passing. We celebrated the way we were able to. It was not much but he did get presents and cards and jello instead of a cake. Now that I type that is sounds crazy but that's what he wanted. No cake no celebrations. He and Danielle had made plans for months what they were going to do for his 18th birthday. I'm sure your daughter is hurting so I suggest you ask her how she would like to celebrate her day and if you are able to do that if not ask a friend/family member to help you with that. We are so close to each other in this journey my prayers are with you as you come closer to the 1st year mark.

Greg,

At my desk I have typed Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it about learning to dance in the rain. Danielle loved to dance, so I'm trying to dance for her!!

Dee,

Again your words are so insightful and helpful

Kay,

Love the new picture of Johnny!!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[mikesmomrs]

Claudia:  You KNOW Joey was your tour guide…how else could it have been so serendipitous!  I am so glad you had such a wonderful day, and you can call on the joy from this day to help drive out the sadness that shows up so unexpectedly. 

 JanJan:  I am truly sorry for the loss of your sweet son…we all know and understand the pain that dwells in your heart, the uninvited guest that torments us daily and refuses to leave.  As Trudi said, so many of us here, so many losses, so much sorrow…and yet, we are all so much stronger for being here, providing for each other that sense of understanding and caring that only those of us who have traveled this road truly can, and unexpectedly getting back the understanding that we each seek, that makes us stronger as each day passes.  The first year is just such an endless succession of sad moments…we can’t find the strength to see beyond the incredible sorrow we are living.  As others have said, time does ease the frequency of our “tsunamis” of grief, and we find ourselves able to breathe a little easier.  The pain truly does never go away, we truly are never the same person we were, but we somehow survive and we somehow learn to laugh again, to find joy, to share joy, and to show love again.  You will come to enjoy your precious granddaughter, you will see the love in her and feel it seeping into your heart, and it will overshadow your sorrow…the tears will slowly be overcome by smiles brought on by the love that glows from her sweet smile and wraps you in its warmth.  Our son’s youngest child, Damon, was not quite 2 when Mike passed, and we struggled so much with knowing that he would never know what his daddy was like, would never remember hearing his daddy’s laugh, or the warmth of his daddy’s hugs.  We slowly came to realize that WE are his daddy’s hugs, WE are his daddy’s laugh…we are here to help him to “know” his daddy.  Of course, we would rather have it that he would have his daddy, but that is beyond our control now, and the only thing we can do is to ensure that his daddy’s legacy of love and courage is not forgotten, that Damon becomes aware of it through the love he shares with his family…his mom, his older brothers, and his extended family…his grandparents, aunts and cousins, who are all gifted with having had the presence and joy of his daddy.    Damon is now 3 ½, and his joy at simply “being” is so reflective of his daddy’s own sense of love of being alive at that age…he delights in breathing, opening his eyes every morning with a smile, as if to say “what?  another day?  more fun?”  just like his daddy did…our hearts are bursting when we get to have them overnight and spend time with him and his brothers from the moment their eyes open to the new day.

Some here, sadly, do not have the joyful, precious gift of grandchildren, and bravely reach out through their sorrow to share in the joy expressed by those of us who do.  One has the full responsibility and priceless, joyful gift of sharing daily in their grandchild’s life fully by having the responsibility for raising their grandchild, with all of the joys and inherent sorrow and trials that accompany such a gift, some of us have that sweet pleasure of their love and company when they come to be with us, and one has the pleasure of other grandchildren, but is sadly, selfishly denied the gift of witnessing the legacy of her physically absent son being nourished in the heart of her granddaughter, but knows that we all hold hope for her that this will change and she will one day be part of precious Harmony’s life.  We are all walking different yet similar journeys, and we all travel with the same mode of transportation…a badly damaged heart that we strive to repair enough to carry us through the rest of our lives, as our treasured children would want.  

We who have other children eventually find strength to go forward with our love for those children; we have learned that they need us, and though we will never be the same mom we were, we need to be a mom to them, to help them through their sorrow, and to help them continue with their lives, help them to know they have our unconditional love and support.  We need to celebrate them, they need to be celebrated, to be honored, to know that they still mean as much, or more, to us than ever.  We need to think “what would I do if my precious son/daughter was back?” and then we need to dig deep into our hearts and do that for those who remain…they need that, and they deserve that. 

I wish you strength, and send you love, as you move through this journey that you never planned.  Come back often, please, and share your sorrows, and eventually, you will share some joys as well.  

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

this is a picture of Mike’s sister, who celebrated her 40^th birthday in May…she and Mike were very close and would have had a blast at this birthday, with Mike tormenting her like crazy about being so “old.”  Mike passed away on the 14^th of the month (Oct 14, 2006), and Cathi’s b’day is on the 14^th (of May).  At the time, she said she would never celebrate her b’day again…it would never be the same.  That first year, she didn’t.  But, now, she has “moved” her birthday to another day…in her heart she knew that Mike would be so sad if she didn’t celebrate any longer…in one of our last conversations, Mike told us “Please don’t stop living because I die.”    I know that those who lost their children unexpectedly would have heard the same words from them, had they the opportunity to say them before they left our lives.