Loss of an Adult Child

[summergirl]

Greg - Love the pic of your grandaughter with the "shark" plane!!! She looks so much like Brian. Tavian is very into sharks so I will show him the pic - great!!

Dee - First your poems are beautiful and speak to my heart - sad but so honest and true. Do not doubt yourself as you so often remind all of us here at BI - you have an ability, a gift for writing and you most defintely should use it. I have read some "grief" books but have not come across one with the words that speaks as you do - do not be afraid to send that book to see if it will be accepted by someone, you already sold the first copy to me!!       It is so true what you said "will the actually do what they say" - I have had Tavian at times ASK me to punish him as though it is something he needs and I wonder if he feels somewhat responsible in some way for his mommy going to Heaven yet has no idea what he would have done or said to make that happen. Children who have lost a parent at such a young age of 4 are thrust into a world they no longer understand and yet have no option but to "deal" with it - the problem is they do not know how without our guidance and even that is no help at times. He can have quite a few days of great and then he turns and becomes very angry - yelling at me, throwing things and then in a moment he is calm again - in the beginning I would cry with him and let him get the anger out but now I do it in a different way - I tell him it is ok to be angry but not allowable to yell and throw things, we can talk about it or we can go to the beach and throw rocks in the water, a bike ride, a walk and I find that it works - so each day is a learning experience just like it is a learning experience each day to have to live without Jessica.   Thank you for saying you admire my strength - it is nice to hear that when I feel as though I have no strength left in me.

Trudi - yes those meltdowns do disable me in a way that I cannot easily explain - one moment I am singing to the radio or working on a project, anything and the next moment I am totally out of control and go into panic mode - the only thing that gets me through is calling my sister or my friend Lj.     You are so lucky to have your dads voice on tape singing!! I have video's of Jessica when she was little, her 8th grade graduation etc - the last one was August of 2005 when she went to Florida with Tavian and his other grandmother - she is going to give me a copy and I will warch it someday - I cannot bring myself to look at any of them just yet but hopefully I can someday and share them with Tavian. It is hard enough looking at pictures as I feel like I could reach into the photo and bring her out. I kept Jessica's cell phone and I know that if I charge it I will here her recording and that is another thing I have not been able to do.   I know that you are always near but I get a little crazed if I do not see someone on for a while - it's like my mind thinks something has happened to one of you and I worry.  Just my crazy side coming out!!

Sue - oh the rollercoaster ride - never did like to go on the rollercoasters but now seem to be on one each day. Emotions do change so often. I have found that I do alot more things now and actually look forward to going camping, the beach, get togethers for BBQ's and such but Jessica is always with me and I can fall apart at the slightest thing - whether it be something that is said, somone in the car next to me that I get a glimps at and swear it is Jessica but always know better because of the hair!!  I have resigned myself to the fact that I will probably always be this way but hope that I can some day think of Jessica and really smile - live for her.

Sherry - yes little Madison Jessica is so adorable - Her mom Jen swears that my Jessica brought her to them and will forever watch over her. The ffact that she carries Jessica's name means more to me than I can ever say - she is truely a miracle.     It is good to know that your hair is straight but you have alot of it!!!

Bonnie - do not feel bad about not going to the wedding for your nephew - last September we went to my nephew's wedding - had the hotel for the night and a babysitter for Tavian and the our Kaylie dog - it was so diffacult, it was beautiful but all through the ceremony and the reception all I thought about was "I am never going to see Jessica do this" - when we got back to the hotel my husband and I looked at each other, never said a word, just got out bags, checked out and went home to our "safe" place. It is not always easy to not attend a function as we fear we are hurting those we love but we must think of ourselves first, it is not being selfish it is taking care of ourselves and not putting ourselves in a postition we cannot handle.  Looking at the pictures will come when you are ready - we have all been through that too. As for the "crazy girl" at Starbucks - what was her problem asking you all of those questions to begin with??? I would have done the same as you a while ago but now today I think I would have asked her why she was asking all of the questions - I have found that I can be not so nice to those people out there who are clueless - however I am so sorry that one person made you feel so bad - shame on her and then to say "oh bummer" - it feels like a slap in the face.  So sorry.

Claudia - will be thinking of you my friend as tomorrow, July 31st, comes upon you - the 2nd year without your Joey - it never gets easier. Your are in my prayers and I will ask Jessica to give your Joey a big hug from you. Bless you.

Well, I have taken up enough space tonight but it means so means so much to me to come here every night and talk to all of you - to share your sorrows, happiness and try to help if I can. You are my true friends and saviors - thanks, God Bless and sleep well. Kathy 

[ericasmom]

And you all are my true friends as well. It may sound a bit simple, because it is...we are friends because we share our hearts with each other very freely. We are safe here to do this where as so many other places we are made to pretend that we are fine, or we are made to feel we have brought everyone down when we speak of our child, or our children simply are not spoken of anymore.  HEre, we are free to draw the pictures of our children with our words and our stories. I have such a fine sense of your Kids, their personalities, their funny quirks, the ways they drove you nuts, adn I certainly have a deep sense of your ache and pain. I was thinking the other day about words such as HOLE and WHOLE...how the whole of our hearts have been changed by the hole in our hearts. It was wierd to think that these two homonyms could be defined so very differently and yet, they both fit in the sentence that could define us.

Kathy, Trudi, the meltdown is something I still do on occasion, figure I always will be caught off guard by these. I do remember when I could no longer hear my Girl's voice in my head. I could still hear that giant laugh, I could picture her nostrils flaring in and out as she cracked up, but I could not hear her everyday voice. I realized later, about  6 months later, that as long as I could hear in my head what I think Eri would say in any given situation, I would be okay.

Then about a year after she left, I was home alone and felt ready to play a video that one Eri's best buddies gave me. It was the home movies that she and Eri made over the course of a couple of years. Susannah and ERz were about 9 when it starts. I braced myself and it opens with a voice of a girl before there is any visual. Then the visual catches up with the voice and there my little girl is, lying on the couch, speaking in the voice that I did not recognize. I DID NOT KNOW THAT THE FIRST VOICE WAS MY DAUGHTER! I dissolved in a pool of tears, I hated myself for not recognizing Eri's voice, and it was abitterly hard to watch it after that, and yet I needed to. It was hilarious in so many ways as the girls acted out so many little plays. They laughed when they flubbed and basically it was a gift beyond my appreciation, but I will never get over not knowing it was Eri speaking.  I have only watched it once, but will again one day. I will probably need to be alone when I do as I was the first time. It is as though I cannot bare to share this precious time with anyone, and also, I would be worried about thier reaction, would it make them too sad. I don't need to take care of anyone else when my own heart is aching, we do that all the time.

As far as not going to the wedding, you must do what is best for yourself right now. Your Son would want you to do what feels right, and this obviously does not. Follow your instincts as they generally guide correctly. Just make sure that you are going to give yourself a break if you start feeling guilty...we have had enough of that in our lives as well. You are making a choice and I think the reasons for the choice are clear and you need to be able to feel you have done the right thing. It doesn't have to be what is expected in your family, it has to be what is accepted by you. Life has been tough, and there is no good reason to force yourself into a situation that makes you sad just thinking about it.

Thanks Everyone for your very encouraging words about my poetry, they are from my heart to yours.

Peace out,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Claudia, may you feel the absolute love radiating from Joe to you, knowing that he is withyou all the time, and that on this date, he will hold you extra tight. I will pray for your peace Claudia, that you find a measure of strength and joy in the days ahead, that you know that everywhere you are, there is Joey. I will light a candle at home in his honor.

Kathy, it is sometimes when we feel so little strength that we realize it is because we have used so much. You are a strong woman, don't ever doubt it. Feeling weak is simply a matter of having used so much strength, but that is a renewable resource.

Patti,

yep, summers as we knew them did leave with Our Kids that same summer five years ago. God bless our Babies.

Dee

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - you grieve as you loved......with a depth beyond imaginings.   I am glad to hear that you are staying home.  I guess its part of the 'new normal'.  Its not just family celebrations.  Mal attends many Ambulance Service functions and as the 'dutiful spouse' I normally go.  Many are out of town so there is a chance to stay overnight.  I just can't manage it.  After polite conversations about 'the job' and all that entails I just want to go home, close my door, and be safe in my own little world. 

Kathy - "Children who have lost a parent at such a young age of 4 are thrust into a world they no longer understand and yet have no option but to "deal" with it - the problem is they do not know how without our guidance and even that is no help at times." I think you are an amazing woman.  Parents that have lost their child at any age are also thrust into a world they no longer understand.  To be able to support Tavian, who has the added bonus of the 'Disneyland Dad' - in such away that he understands enough to grown strong, that my friend is a strength known to only a few........Some can manage it on the odd occassion, but you and Barry are fulltime!

Meltdown hit last night around 11.  I have just sold my unit. I bought it 10yrs ago when I was single.  I also sold my Subaru AWD and bought a car with Mal.  Absolutely no idea what started it, but by the time it reach fever pitch I was feeling like everything in my life had changed.....really rational thinking these days!!!

On a brighter note.  I also bought a Nintendo DS with Brain training.  My brain age started at 80yrs and after 2 weeks I am now sitting around 28yrs!  Gotta count for something.  

Carol - thinking about you!  Hope you are still on the mend

Sue - many thanks for your kind words on Mikes site.......He really is a handsome guy, but I might just be biased.

 -  Trudi

[mikesmum]

Claudia - Thinking of you today as you approach that time in space where the world stopped still.  Your strength will come from your faith, your memories will bring you smiles and tears.  You have and will ways will be a voice in the dark for so many......Take Care - Trudi

[veronicasmom]

[user=19489]shellbellsmom[/user] wrote:

 I have those brief moment when I see or hear something I want to share with Michelle…then seconds later realize…yeah…that’s not going to happen.  It’s almost like getting stabbed in the gut with a knife….the pain is so intense….and the wound is still so deep. Who ever described grief as a rollercoaster ride was right on… It is an up and down journey that can be terrifying. There are plenty of times people want to just scream! Your emotions can change from day to day, hour to hour, and even moment by moment. You can feel upside down, then the right way up. Eventually things slow and you can catch a breath. That is what I hope to someday find.  The time when I can catch my breath again and just remember all the good thoughts and not all the pain she suffered.   

Sue--It's like you wrote my words.  This is how I feel too.  And I'm also so afraid of forgetting Veronica's voice.  I try to remember her mischievous twinkle in her eyes when she teased me....how much we laughed!  Or how she licked her lips when she knew I was making some dish she liked and say "Il'' be right over".  She was my buddy.  We always walked in the mall holding hands--we were best friends.   When I read that this pain will soften up, does this mean it's because these memories are fading?  All I have are these cherished memories. 

Veronica, I'll love you always.  D.

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Veronica's Mom, I am finding that as the pain makes way to fewer days witrh tears, the memories of little things and of Joey so vivid are also making their way back to places where I had too been afraid they had been long lost.  I believe that as we travel through time and learning to live a different life beyond our children, our defense mechanisms that protect us so strongly in the early stages of loss begins to tumble down and we find our way back to "loving and remembering through the pain".  I guess it could be said that we become stronger, but I believe we just learn and adapt along the way and our defenses break down over that time, allowing us to embrace the missing as much as the loving.  I know I will never get over losing my first true love, my child, my first born, my son.  And I know I will never stop missing him the way I miss him today, (2 years today that he has been gone).  But I now have hope in survival and recovery, and I hold onto dreams of seeing him again some day.  Until then I am thankful for the memories....  You will find them again, too, in time...

Hugs and Blessings, Claudia

[lagrangel]

Dee,

Your words are so true of our lives. I hope as the years continue they will become softer. The pain is so intense at times I just wonder how will I get through this the rest of my life. I apprecaite all your wonderful words, thoughts and feelings. You have such a wonderful talent in your poems and writings. Thanks for sharing, Lana

[ericasmom]

Claudia, never were those words more aptly spoken, that we learn to embrace the missing as much as the memories. You said this so perfectly.

It all becomes what we have of our children, and what we have is dear and we protect it fiercely. I know that it is universal to worry about losing our memories of our children, but again, I am here 5 years now standing in the light of my Girl and knowing her as intimately as I ever did. Letting go of some of the absolute horror of thier leaving is very difficult, it is like being asked to give away thier favorite stuffed animal or some other artifact of thiers, as though we are being disloyal, but in fact it is what i believe they would like us to do...give away that rerun in your heart, mind, and soul, and let the space be filled with the wonderful memories that will keep you warm, that will remind you always that you will always remember this child. We lose some of the sharper peices, such as voice, the touch of their hand on your shoulder, but the essence, the all-powerful essence of that Child will be right there, and you will have made more room for this. IT is liberating but scary to do. Before I was able to do this, I went out each night and replayed the phone call I had with Eri 30 minutes before her car was struck by a train. I then would each night, go through the replay of the phone call from the Trauma Center in Michigan, and then the the panic would fill my cells, my heart palpitaing, I recapped my run up the stairs to fill a bag for the hospital, the 3 hour drive, the knowing, the knowing that she would die. Each night I did this for quite a while, and finally I made myself not do it. I felt I was betraying the memory of ERica when I did not do it, but it had become a compulsive action, and my health was becoming sketchy. I know that Eri did not want this, and so I fought the urge and moved on and found there are deep wells to fill with the goodness of my Daughter. I will always have a bumpy road, that is just inherent in the life of parents who have lost children, nothing is smooth or without great pondering or strife, but it does get softer, it does get more happy. That blinding pain that so many of us speak of is real, very real indeed. How do we go on without them for the rest of our lives, and when you begin to question the importance of your life...please remember that one way---the best way to honor that missing child, is to be as healthy as you can and live a good life. Go forward where she/he is no longer able to. They are rooting for us to carry on for them.

Sorry if I sound like a broken record.

Lana, thank you for your sweet compliment, if my poetry and thoughts can assist those of you newer to this path, well then I have found another reason to look forward to tomorrow. May you find a peaceful spate of time each day, and may it grow more peace as you go.

Dee

[ericasmom]

Claudia, I am thinking of of you as the dark stormy skies bring the midwest some much needed rain. I am thinking of you and your very full heart and I am saying a prayer;

Dear Lord and Eri,

please help Claudia and Joey hold each other today and each,

Let Mother feel the strength of her Son's love, his forever reach-- 

and when she is feeling depleted, please let her soul brush up against Joey's and once again be filled.

 

[ericasmom]

Bonnie,

just checking in to see how you are feeling today. I woke today feeling your ache and I am hoping that you are feeling some relief with your decison of not going to the wedding. Thinking of you as you find your way with this.

Love,

Dee

[shellbellsmom]

Dori, (sorry can't remember the correct spelling of your name; Veronicasmom), I want to get to a place that I can only remember healthy and happy times and not all the suffering in the hospital with her cancer….I hope someday those memories will fade and not be flashbacks like they are now.   Her voice is still strong in my mind; I have a voice recording of my daughter while she was at the hospital- vm for my parents.  I occasionally play it...she talks about her studio apartment (a.k.a. private hospital room in the cancer hospital).  I also once was surprised when I was playing a video and her voice was on it...she wasn't seen in the video just her voice.  I must have played it 10 times.  Once I had a dream...she called me on the phone.  I asked who this was and she said "it’s me your daughter" like duh.  It was very vivid...and I had another dream that she said "hello" three times.  I figure it was for myself, my husband and her brother.  So I have heard her....but really haven't seen much of her in my dreams.  That is what scares me the most…..not seeing her in action, even if only in a dream;  I don’t want to forget all her crazy faces and her one line comebacks.  I used to tell her I’m not spoiling you (though she was) because I am saving that for my grandchildren.  Sometimes I close my eyes and try to imagine her sitting on the couch next to me wrapped up in a blanket like she would do...thank God I took tons of pictures and she did too.  I just wish I had more video of her...talking or goofing off like she did.  When she saw the video camera coming she ducked into another room.  * P.S. missed you at Hospice last week.

Claudia, I hope you find the strength needed to get through this anniversary day.  You son Joey had the biggest bright smile....he just shines through his pictures.

Bonnie do not feel bad for not going to the wedding.  I went to a baby shower of my daughters best friend and just felt miserable the whole time....I couldn't get out of there quick enough...people must be patience with us.  I didn't go out to my niece’s graduation open house when most of my family attended...I was honest with them and they all understood. 

Take Care,  Sue

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, thank you!  You are a very sweet and kind soul.

Sue, thanks for visiting Joey's memorial site today.  Knowing you care that much, it brought me joy and comfort.

To all who have sent thoughts and prayers my way, thanks a million!! 

Hugs, Claudia

[heartbeataway]

Claudia,

Thanks for the thoughts, prayers and sweet, heartfelt words. I will return the good works to you.

I know you are in a difficult countdown. The days leading up to our significant dates are so, so hard. By the time they arrive emotional exhaustion makes coping and getting through that much more overwhelming.

I hold you up my friend.

I've said this before and in different ways as I don't always remember the exact words but it's the thought behind it that I hope is comforting.

May the spirit of this child, your son, that you carry so deep within your heart, bring you comfort today and every day going forward as you travel this hardest of all life's journeys.

What a blessing BI is to me. I remember my first visit and thinking this just might be the place my heart is looking for ......... how right I was.

Blessings and strength to you.

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Kathy said:

"Well, I have taken up enough space tonight but it means so means so much to me to come here every night and talk to all of you - to share your sorrows, happiness and try to help if I can. You are my true friends and saviors - thanks, God Bless and sleep well. Kathy "

Kathy,

Thank you for your understanding, your advice and for sharing your experience when it comes to family gatherings. I guess I am beating myself up a little. I didn't want to appear to make this about us or Jason for that matter. I know it's a day for the bride and groom ........

Last October 13th would have been our Jason's wedding day.

I could repeat your words above back to you. It does mean a lot to come here doesn't it?

Take good care,

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

If you don't try to publish something, you are missing your calling!

The words you wrote to Claudia took my breath away ...... beautiful and very sincerely written..........

I also felt my heart ache with your words about not knowing Eri's voice. I can only imagine how you felt but I can also understand. We all have many voices depending on what we're saying, what we're doing when we say it and who we're speaking too ......... don't beat yourself up or condemn your memory. I know, easier said than done .........

Thanks for checking on me you sweet person. I had a friend that took me out today, we went browsing in a resale shop. Got lost in someone else's yesterday's .......... it ended up being fun and even though I wasn't really enthused about going, I was glad that I did. Thanks again for thinking of me!

I so enjoy you and your words!

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[daveydow1]

Summergirl, Kathy,

Your little Tavian most likely has a lot of confusion at times, and children often

act out with anger when they don't understand something. Yes, at the tender

age of 4 yrs., it is a monumental thing that has happened in his life---losing his

loving mother.  Thank God that he has you in his life---one who loves him so

very much.  You are so wise and patient with him, and the "change of scenery"

route of going to the beach, bicycling etc. is a very good idea for a diversion

for him when he is feeling anger. Bless the little fellow.  You are doing a good

job with him.  Prayers & peace.

                                Daveysmom,  Sherry

[daveydow1]

Claudia,

Thinking of you today---your dear son Joey's angel day. Praying that Joey's

sweet face smiles down on you from heaven to warm your aching heart.

Peace & serenity be with you always.

                                Daveysmom,  Sherry

[heartbeataway]

Sue,

Thanks for your words of encouragement regarding the wedding. This will be the only one I've missed.........

I hope your place of remembering "healthy and happy times" will come soon for you.

I also have a recording of Jason's message on their answering machine. He messed up and started laughing ...... they left it and I loved calling and getting his message, hearing him laugh loud ........ it's bittersweet to hear now but I still love it.

Your girl had a sweet sense of humor, i.e., her studio apt ........ don't you just love it?!

And speaking of dreams, I wish you good dreams that allow rest ......

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

I like the words, "you grieve as you love" ...... and I like that you love "my (your) safe little world." My counselor has given me "homework" to go out at least once a day. She doesn't care if it's to the post office to buy a stamp.

Yes, Mike is a handsome guy. You have every right to be biased!

I also have a DS ......... I'm in the eighth world of Mario right now. And I drive a Subaru Outback. I love my car! It's perfect when we take our three four-legged children on outings with us.

I enjoy you!

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, I'm so glad you did something fun.  Browsing second-hand and unique shoppes is one of my most favorite past times.  And thank you for your kind and uplifting words in a time when you struggle to find your comfort.  Hugs!

Dee, your posts here and on Joey's VM are poetic and so deeply resonating.  Bless you, my friend!!

So many thanks to all of you!!!  ~Claudia

[summergirl]

Dee - it is so true what you said about being alone when you watch the video as you "don't need to take care of someone else with your own heart breaking" - there are times when I need to be alone even when I am with a bunch of friends. Love the thought of "whole and hole" what a wise woman you are. Your thoughts are so deep and profound that I agree that you need to publish your poems and a book!! Everyone here is amazing yet there seems to be something about the way you speak that makes me want to sit in an audiance and listen to you talk. We are definitely best of friends here on this site, we have all learned so much from each other and it does not stop, each time I come on I am taught something new about the "grieving process" and although at times I cry for the pain one of us is going through at a particular time I would not find what I have found here anywhere else. Yes - I too feel as though I have come to know the children we have lost - just through the words we speak it paints a beautiful picture of all of our Angels.   I too believe that when I feel I have no strength left it is because I work so hard at being strong for Tavian, my husband, family and friends - it can get so weary having to hide the pain I feel so I do not make others uncomfortable - it seems so wrong that we feel we must do that - why must we grieve in silence every where but here??   About what you said about reliving the night you lost Erica - how many times have I done that - Jessica was going out to dinner with friends and we had Tavian and I called her to tell her to bring his blanket over and she got upset with me and said "mom, he will be ok, he does not need that particular blanket" and I said "yes he does so bring it before you go to dinner" - well she did and as she turned too walk out our door she turned around and walked back and gave me a big hug, an I love you and call me in the morning!!  Then as we were sleeping my husband's radio went off (he is a fireman) and we heard the call come over for an ambulance for a young woman unconscious and they called out for an AEMT forthwith - I WENT BACK TO SLEEP NOT KNOWING IT WAS MY JESSICA!  When the knock on the door came I thought it was Jessica, that she had decided to come back to our house to sleep and forgot her key but no, it was our friends who are policeman - when I opend the door I stepped back and said "where is my Jessica" and they just asked me if Barry was home, I called to him and when he came downstairs they made me stay in the diningroom and they went and talked to him - I heard them say "she is not coming home" and that's about the time I went crazy!!  I kept telling them it was fine, we would go to the hospital and get her and bring her home, she had been there before and "I always brought her home" - after that it is confusing as I do not remember alot of things. I have just recently began to ask my friends about things I cannot remember and it has been helpful in alot of ways although painful too.  Anyway - I finally stopped playing that scene in my head as it was taking a toll on my health and Tavian needed me.  Strength is the one thing I have learned much about.

Trudi - my dear friend - thank you for your kind words, it is diffacult in alot of ways to give Tavian the support he so desperately needs as I feel I fail at so many things with him - when I start feeling that way I take a step back and look at all that we have accomplished since Jessica left us - we have all come a long way and still have many more roads to cross but with the help of dear friends like you we are going to make it - disneyland dad is of no concern to me, it is only when Tavian says something about him that I have to dig deep inside of myself and "play nice" and that is not easy but it is best for Tavian.     Being a "full timer" is hard on us as we are not the "young" parents we once were, Barry will be 53 Augus 24 and I will be 52 in October - but I try hard to keep in shape or I should say Tavian keeps me in good shape with the bike riding, the trampoline, swimming and so many other things that it is a wonder how I sometimes keep going - oh to have the energy of the young!!!

Bonnie - I understand when you say you didn't want to make it about you or Jason, it is about the bride and groom and you are correct except you "have the right to feel the way you do" - it is extra hard on you knowing that last October 13th your Jason was to be married!! Please go easy on yourself and know that the family will understand and if they don't then thats just the way it is - we cannot always do what others "think" we can - they do not walk in our shoes and have no idea what we go through on a daily basis - stay strong my friend.

Sherry - Thank you for your words of my doing such a terrific job with Tavian, yes he has alot of confusion and anger but slowly getting better - the thing is his anger is always directed at me and I know it is because he lost "mommy" and he never had a daddy to lose so it is me that he pushes, me that he tests and he is getting suprised by the way I am reacting to his "temper tantrums" now - I know longer allow it and he is doing some serious thinking about it - all for the good. I have learned to pick and choose my battles with him.

I cannot believe I have written so much tonight, I am not going to say I am sorry but I am going to say thank you to all of you for your words, wisdom and friendship - you are all the best and I thank God for all of you always. Peace to you - Kathy 

 

[momgran]

Dearest Claudia,

I don't know what brought me here tonight, but I haven't visited BI in months.

I want you to know that my heart is with you today as you commerate the day you lost your precious Joey from this earthly life.  I find your words and the description of this journey so very well put!

To All:

It will be 2 years that I lost my precious daughter, Pippa and her sweet little son, Kieran, on October 22, 2008.  It's almost as if it's been a dream and I still wonder at times if I will every wake up.  But life does continue without them here and they are always nestled in my heart and foremost in my dreams.

My heart goes out to all you precious hearts who journey with us here at BI.

Love peace and patience to you all.

Debbie XXXXXOOOOO

[lagrangel]

Bonnie,

I have a friend that over the last 4 weeks we plan a outing to go somewhere new and go out to eat once a week. It has helped me pass the summer days before I return to school. It is a time when I don't think of Brent every second. We have a good time and I enjoy the outing so much. There was a time when I did not want to go anywhere or do anything but over the course of the last 11 months I am doing many things with my freinds. I know Brent would want me to carry on with my life just like Jason would want you to continue with your life. I still have Brent's last message on my cell phone and have saved it for 11 months. I think as parents we do what is needed to survive  this journey. I would not feel guilty about not attending the wedding, you need to do what is best for "you" at this time. I am glad you were able to go with a freind and enjoy your day.

I am so glad that we are all able to share our feelings through this forum it brings me such hope and peace. There are days I feel I can't get my breath but when I come here it is  good to know that so many have felt the same feelings and I am "okay" as much as one can be on this journey. Peace and love to all, Lana

[shellbellsmom]

Kathy your words “

I too believe that when I feel I have no strength left it is because I work so hard at being strong for Tavian, my husband, family and friends - it can get so weary having to hide the pain I feel so I do not make others uncomfortable - it seems so wrong that we feel we must do that - why must we grieve in silence every where but here??”

are so true to me.  WHY…must we feel we must grieve in silence…accept here.  I also attend a couple support groups where I feel “safe” to talk about my struggles and pain without making others uncomfortable….but in the real world I either hide in my house or make sure to put on my shield before I exit out in public.  People see me as so strong but in reality I am just a big pile of mush.  I also want to commend you for your role in raising your grandson Tavian, sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. 

Bonnie I guess I didn’t realize your son Jason was to be married in Oct. until I read Kathy’s post.  My daughter dated a wonderful man for over 7 years, and he told us while Michelle was in a coma in ICU that he had planned to ask her to marry him the following month (Aug. 07).  He since moved to San Antonio Texas for a good job.  He said it was the best thing he did….There were too many reminders at home and all their friends were couples… My husband and I are going down at the end of the month to visit him in Texas.  I am totally dreading this…and my husband is so excited to see him again.  I love him…and he would have been the best husband for Michelle, so that isn’t why. When my husband is around him it’s like good ole times…and when I am with him all I think about is what will never be…a happy marriage, and children for them.  Are you still in contact with Jason’s fiancée? How is she doing?  My daughters BF is trying to get on with his life….like I believe he should. But I fear he is partying more than he used to…I read his face-book and he talks about drinking every night because he has to.  I take that to believe…to hide the pain of his loss.  That scares the heck out of me. His apartment was furnished by most of my daughters stuff.  So just to see her stuff may bring on a whole new set of emotions.  Thank God we are staying on the Riverwalk rather than with him.  How do I approach him and his new life?  Do I ask if he is seeing anyone? I should not be worried about all this but I am.  Its new terrain…in my new life. 

Take care, Suzanne

[simonsmam]

I have not posted for a while but I have been reading regularly. Life has been going at a rather hectic pace recently and has left me so tired at the end of the day.I have wanted to reply to so many but I haven’t had the mental energy at the end of each day.

I finally visited my school for a special retirement assembly. I have not been able to face going there since Simon’s accident 2 years ago. It was a lovely afternoon. Everyone was so kind. I had flowers, presents and the children had made lots of cards with my favourite things…butterflies and my favourite colour purple. I was overwhelmed when the children came out and there were so many surrounding me, so keen to give me their cards. I think I will now be able to face going to fetch my grandchildren from school next term.

The following day we had a celebration for my mother’s 80^th birthday. Another bittersweet occasion. My disabled (he has cerebral palsy) brother who very nearly died a few months was unable to attend .He has been in hospital since April and has lost the ability to swallow. He now has to be fed by a peg tube in his stomach. It was so sad that we both did not have our sons with us that day, but at least my brother is holding his own at the moment.

My daughter –in –law Joanne had her graduation 2 weeks ago and had invited me to go along in Simon’s place. It was a lovely day. I was able to cope with the sadness by focussing on watching all the nursing graduates taking photos with family and friends. I can honestly say I enjoyed the buzz and excitement. Mind you, I did get very emotional when she went up to receive her degree. She had a tremendous cheer from her fellow students. How she managed to return to her studies just 5 weeks after Simon’s accident is just amazing. The university made a special feature of her achievement and she appeared in several local papers. They even took a photo of her mother and me with Joanne. She truly deserves her success and is now working on a cardiac ward.

She is now in a new relationship and has recently got engaged. We are fine about it and glad that she has someone to help her through this awful tragedy .We know in her heart of hearts she would do anything to have Simon back. She is too young at 29 to be on her own. It was their 4^th wedding anniversary yesterday but they only got to share one. She put her usual 3 red roses at the accident spot and lovely flowers on his grave. If Simon had been the one widowed I know we would be encouraging him to carry on as best a he could. However, standing at his grave today I still find it difficult to believe this has happened. I should not be putting flowers on my son’s grave on his wedding anniversary. My husband and I just held on to each other and broke our hearts. It feels so, so unreal.  

So as you can see. Life has been one long emotional rollercoaster over the last few weeks. My daughter is still living with us while her house is being extended. 3 children, 3 years and under is very busy and to add to this my 2 year old grandson has had chicken pox this last week! 

Stephen and I are off on a month’s holiday to Canada on Sunday. It is so far to go for us here in Wales.We are going to stay with an aunt and uncle of his. They have asked us to go for many years. They lost their 17 year old son on a fishing trip about 25 years ago so will understand how we are feeling. We really need a break. We are so busy with our 2 daughters and their families. I don’t know how we will cope without the grandchildren but we need to recharge our batteries! Simon had travelled quite extensively in his short life and grabbed all opportunities. We are sort of doing this in his honour. I think he would be proud of us!

I shall really miss you all when I am away and will think (and worry) about you all. Sorry for the long post, it was now or never.Special wishes to those who have special days ahead.

 Take care, Love Avril xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[shellbellsmom]

Sorry one more thing I wanted to share... here is a poem my 16 year old niece wrote for my daughters Celebration of Life...here she is reading it.  She and my daughter were extremly close. Michelle was the older girl cousin who always gave the younger girls advise on life...She also took many trips and babysitted them all ...she sure loved her cousins. 

[align=left][/align] [align=left]Cousin Chelsea reading her poem "Shell Bell"[/align]

           Shell Bell

She was a very loving girl,

Who could always make you laugh.

And if you ever needed something,

Of hers, she'd give you half.

She was a fan of cameras

And curly, fun shoelaces.

If you took a picture of her,

You'd get some silly faces.

Shell Bell always loved to have fun;

To everyone, that was known.

I remember one time at karaoke

We sang our favorite; Bad to the Bone.

I think about her every day;

Without her, it seems a sin.

I know she's watching over me,

Cause I am her Little Munchkin.

I miss you very much, Michelle,

And it really isn't fair.

But whenever I see a butterfly,

I know that you are there.]

Written by Chelsea Sedlecky

This just brings tears to my eyes...time for bed all.  Sue

[heartbeataway]

Suzanne,

We are not in contact with Jason's fiancee. She moved on rather quickly. She was dating within weeks .....

She also sued us for money she said she loaned our son. He was a successful contractor and owned his own business. He kept meticulous records. There were no records of any loans.

She also showed signs of possessiveness within days of Jason's belongings. She wanted his business, his jeep, his truck, his furniture and electronics, his four wheeler, his motorcycle, etc....

We moved some of his "toys" before we came back to Texas. That was a suggestion from our attorney.

She took most everything else of any value. When we were allowed back in the house for his things. His clothes were in a pile on the bedroom floor ....

She had friends over and they sat in lawn chairs and on the front steps and watched us. Every once in a while, they would come and take something and move it to one of their cars so we couldn't have it.

She said that whatever we didn't take, she would have moved and send us a bill.

We had to go through the courts to get his dog.

I often wondered if she really loved him ....... such a sad ending to a promising future. I still think about her and hope she heals and continues to move forward in a positive way.

[ericasmom]

'Wow Everyone, there are some deep stories here today that touch my heart in a zillion ways. Debbie as you approach the two year mark, God Bless you. It sounds as though you are moving forward with the light of your two loves. May your heart be filled.

Avril, what a busy time, my goodness. I hope the trip is soothing and that recharging is exactly what you find along with a sense of peacefulness. Even if it is in small doses, it lets us know that peacefulness is a possibility again.

Kathy, I think that you are a wise woman, and that your instincts are right on with Tav. I know the story of the last night or day is right next to our every moment, but I am thankful that you have found a way to stop the replay. Sounds like the effect was the same for us both. Sometimes we have to be more than  proactive, we have to face our own demons head on. God bless.

Bonnie, I am amazed by your story tonight, and I am so sorry that Jason's fiance' could behave so cruely. I know that it must have been terribly hard to see that in her. The strength you and your husband share is pretty amazing.

Claudia, I am so happy that you had a day of unplanned happiness. Isn't it grand when impromtu activities lighten our hearts? I like that you said something to the affect of; shopping in other peoples' yesterdays. Since Joe loved to shop, he must have been grinning that million dollar smile.

Trudi, may your sleep be filled with peace filled dreams that let you wake up feeling the joy of the upcoming season. You are a treasure.

My heart to you all as we continue to climb this mountain so big...as big as our love.

Dee

[mikesmum]

We openly grieve here by sharing our childrens stories.  In turn we are able to heal somewhat.  Our journeys are interwined in so many ways.  I know in my heart the rest of the world thinks 20 months is long enough.  Mike has gone and I should have adjusted to my new normal by now........Not so.  Outside here, death is something that no one wants to hear about.   It seems as if to have lost a child gives you a contagious virus that many are afraid they might catch. 

Yet to say a name, recall a memory, talk of how those in the lives of our children have moved on is something we need now and as far as I can see for time to come.

Many strengths are shared here as we all struggle with a world that has moved on... Poetry, music, pictures stories and celebrations each one here special in a unique way.

This picture is of Harmony's 1st birthday.  I was flicking through my pictures (something I seem to do often) and there was Mike, video in hand.  I had somehow missed it before......I won't get to see the footage but just to see the concentration on his face as he captures his precious daughter in her fairy outfit......Priceless.....

Grandbabies here this weekend.  Most definitely will sleep the sleep of exhausted old person by Sunday....Take Care all.....Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

To all:  So many posts since I was able to post last…so many thoughts and expressions of sorrow and joy over memories…so much compassion shared, truly our children have brought us together in this gathering, knowing that we would provide for one another the bridge from one sorrow to another, from one memory to another, from one joy to another, as we share this journey. 

Bonnie:  You’re not being able to attend the wedding is something that you had to decide for yourself, and if they did not understand, then it was truly their problem…we must decide what we can and can’t do, and decide on the basis of what we think is best for us.  I am truly sorry to hear of Jason’s fiance’s cruelty to you and your husband, it is just unreal that she would act that way and so sad that you had to endure it while you were there.  I am so happy to hear of your day "out and about," sounds like you needed it. 

Dee, you continue to amaze and comfort me with your sweet, encouraging words.  Bless you.

Kathy:  your strength and wisdom are such a blessing for Tavian, even though I am sure you feel that he gives you more than you could ever give him. 

Claudia:  You have been in my thoughts and prayers, as always, but more so as you go through this date of your precious Joey’s angel date…

Trudi:  yes, “I know in my heart the rest of the world thinks 20 months is long enough.  Mike has gone and I should have adjusted to my new normal by now…Not so.  Outside here, death is something that no one wants to hear about.   It seems as if to have lost a child gives you a contagious virus that many are afraid they might catch. .”  Others may be uncomfortable with my mentioning Mike’s name, but as time passes I find it more important to do so…As all of us here, I will not let my child be forgotten. 

So many great pictures…Greg, your little sweetheart is precious!   I can hardly wait til we finally move and I can unpack so many of the pictures we have stored away. 

 I have been gone again due to the week or more of recovering and follow up tests, etc.  Have just not been able to regain my strength, and not knowing why.  Yesterday, I had to go in to have the stent removed, and on the way home, I developed horrid pain, and it kept up after I got home, and I finally had to call the doctor.  He said if it wasn’t gone after taking two pain pills, I would have to return to the ER.  An hour or so later, the pain was suddenly gone, and shortly after that, I gave birth to another kidney stone---obviously missed by the “blasting” done last week!  Between having that stone gone, and the stent removed, today has seen much improvement.  Thank you,  all of you, so much for your prayers and support, once again.  

We show the house again tomorrow…keeping our fingers crossed! 

love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs

[daniellemom]

To everyone,

I've been on vaction and then when I came back my grandfather passed away, so it's been a couple of weeks. I've been trying to check up on everything.

Kay, I'm sorry about your family not knowing what to say, I understand, it's happened to me a few times. I love the new picture of Johnny!!

Greg, Glad your trip went well with your grand-daugther! I know what a joy it was for you to spend time with her and talk about her Daddy.

To all that have had special events special dates that have passed, my prayers are with you.

Thank each of you for typing away and encouraging others and sharing your thoughts and giving advise, you all will never know how much each of you have helped me.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[4everjoeysmom]

Debbie (MomGran), It was SO GOOD to see your post!!    THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

[briansdad]

Well folks here I've gone from no job for 8 months to having two.HOLY SCHINIEKYS.

Getting money together to finish Brian's car.I'm only two months away from 4 years.It sure doesn't seem that long.

[daveydow1]

Debbie,

It's good to hear from you here at BI again.  As I recall, your dear daughter,

Pippa and her sweet little boy Kieran passed over in a lg. truck/auto accident

the same way my son, Davey, passed. (2003').  I pray that you are able to

find comfort in the wonderful memories of your very precious loved ones.

My heart is with you, and also my prayers.

                                 Daveysmom,  Sherry

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Greg,  That's a good goal to use some of that extra money for.  What kind of car are you working on?  You may have said somewhere earlier and I missed it.  And I just passed 2 years.  You are double ahead of me, but I guess as time marches on, all it is, is time, eh?  We never stop hurting and missing them.  It's kind of like looking in a crazy funhouse mirror.  Some days it's long and drawn out.  Other days it's short and thick.  And some days kind of look normal, but never are...

[johnnysmama]

Claudia

i am so sorry I missed Joey's angel day. I hope he wrapped you with a loving hug. You bring so much to us all here and I know Joey is with you helping us, too. Hope you much strength, peace and love.

 

Bonnie

Had a very similar story with johnny's fiancee. She was causing me such pain that I am glad as of now I do not know where she is or what she is doing. She became an addict and was slowly killing herself and me, too. I loved her like my own. Still do and hope someday she is well again.

 

Carol

Glad to hear you are taking a turn for the better-take very good care and relax. We miss you though.

 

To all of you-you are a wonderful, beautiful group that helps me soooo much. Thank you for all your wisdom and love here.

 

Love, Kay

[messenger]

CAROL.............................................TAKE GOOD CARE.......I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR YO ARE GOING THRU SO MUCH PAIN...................................ISNT IT STRANGE..HOW PEOPLE THNK WE NEED TO MOVE ON...................EVEN FAMILY............NEVER SAYING OUR KIDS NAME AGAIN....................MAKING THEM FEEL WORSE.............I WILL NEVER FORGET MY SON AND I WILL .....................MENTION HIS NAME DAILY..................HE IS ALWAYS ON MY MIND AS I KNOW..EACH OF THE PEOPLE ON HERE............FEEL THE SAME

KNOW YOURE IN MY PRAYERS' LOVE GERI JAMES MOM

[mikesmum]

Carol - Passing another 'mile' stone - must be a sign......Hopefully the family for your house is out and about tomorrow for your open house.  The sale of my 'independance' unit is final on Tuesday.  Yet another chapter ends as I embark the next stage of the new normal.

Greg - it either feast or famine.......good luck with completing Brians car.  Couldn't be in better hands.  Four years is but a blink of an eye here isn't it. 

Steven and Melissa  had a family portrait done this past month..  It was a surprise, something they wanted to do for me.  It is a beautiful picture.  But there is something missing.  These two were always pictured as part of a group of three.  Even as they grew to adulthood, they were a set...........

Mike - Betcha thought I had lost those professional pics from the Deb.  Nah Hah.  Melissa had them....You truly have the classical features, dark stormy eyes, cheekbones and chisel jaw.......yep I know ............ Ohhhhh Mum!!  Love you my handsome son.

 

[ericasmom]

TRudi, I was thinking how like a '40's' movie star Mike is in that photo. He could walk into a movie aside William Powell or Cary Grant...handsome is an understatement. And like it or not, we Moms do love talking about you kids.

Funny, this morning while on a bike ride I was talking to Eri as I do, and I said, "sorry Erz if I talk about you more than you'd like, it is how I spread your energy. I had been at the Farmer's Market and one of the sellers was funny and I asked him some questions about the peaches I was about to buy. He said he does not grow them, that he is from Oak Park. I then asked him how old he was, and he said 24. I asked him if her knew Erica Reith being that they are the same age.

He said, "oh yeah, oh is that your daughter? Now I see a resemblence. Erica and I went to middle school together and high school.I was so sorry that she died."

 And so I told Eri,  that the young man I spoke to this morning thinks of you and tells another friend that he saw Erica Reith's Mom, and you are gently handed around by people who knew you, and memories are revisited, and perhaps too, a new level of appreciation for life will envelope him as he remembers how one moment changes many peoples' lives.

Greg, two jobs is better than none, but you must be tired. I know how you feel approaching the 4 year mark, it simply seems unbelievable to have time move so quickly even when you are grieving. Further proof that life goes on within and without us, and so we make each day count. I love what Claudia said about time and a circus mirror. Perfect analogy.

WEll I took a most wonderful ride along the Chicago Lake Front the other day. I went with my friend, a fellow teacher, and she is 20 years younger and training for another marathon, but loves to bike. So she said to tell her when I am tired, my longest ride wtih her was 22 miles. Well, we went the whole lakefront bike path and by thetime we reached our starting point, we had 40 miles on our bikes. I felt fabulous, no sore legs the next day, a bit tired, but the lake breeze kept us regulated, and stops along the way for views, and for food were perfect. I hope to do two more 40 miles runs before school begins. Yikes, school already and I am just getting into the relax mode of summer. Oh well.

With Michael being ill with Leukemia, my mind never took a full rest, but he is doing prettywell. He reenters the hospital on Monday after 2 weeks home, and starts another session with Chemo, but only one type this time and so perhaps he can get home quicker than the first stay. The first stay was 5.5 weeks. Prayers for my former husband  as he tries to get healthy and beat this thing.

Be well everyone,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Dee - Amazing meeting the young man who went to middle school with Eri.  I joined Facebook (its a granma thing) and received a request to be friends with a young girl named Narelle.  Didn't ring any bells with me, but Melissa remembered Mike's Deb partner was a girl named Narelle!  Yep one in the same.......coincidence, I think not.

Yes I think he has that 'look'.   I speak with Mike everyday.   Ask his advice, check with him when I post here.  Sometimes I stare at his picture and wonder 'what were you thinking'.  It usually is "mum one day that camera is just gonna disappear'!! 

This is the picture my youngest two had done for me.  Jeya is the baby sitting on Emily's knee.  Next to her is Caleb sitting on Melissa. Behind her is Jeremy her partner. Then Steve with Zak and behind them is Kelly Steven's partner.  There is a gap between Kelly and Jeremy......For me its where Mike would have been.  Between Jeya and Caleb is where I imagine Harmony sitting smiling...............

Mike I think that's why Jeremy has his head tilted, smiling as is Steven.......I can just hear you......"OMG...Another Family Picture....haven't you got enough mum???  No Mike I will never have enough.......Love ya - Mum...

 

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I love the family photo, so pretty and so dear to have left the space that is there in our lives. I too, believe it is significant to honor that physical space that once was where our child would be.

Well, I was in my own town really when I ran into the boy that knew Eri, but he was working at a fruit stand owned by a Michigan farmer. He was friends with the son of the farmer, they went to school together. It just felt so nice to know that she is remembered in a random conversation, and refreshing that he did not have a hard time speaking her name. I talk about Eri each day to someone, she is in my everyday, and even my third graders get to know the girl of my dreams. How could I possibly live without speaking of her life.

My heart to you ,

dee

[heartbeataway]

Kay,

I like the picture of Johnny. I hope his fiancee gets well also.......

How sad........

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

The picture of Mike is very "Hollywood" looking. How handsome!

I really like the family picture also. What a sweet thing for them to do!

You have a very attractive family. Thanks for sharing them with us.

I was cleaning out a closet today and ran across two framed pictures. One was of Jason in his baseball uniform. It was framed along with a picture of his team. He was young. The other was several shots framed together from his first professional photo session.

So many memories from those little eyes with a sparkle looking back at me. So many tears from an unexpected visit with the "little boy that was". How many times can one heart break and continue to beat?

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[4everjoeysmom]

Quote: [so many memories from those little eyes with a sparkle looking back at me. So many tears from an unexpected visit with the "little boy that was". How many times can one heart break and continue to beat?]

Seemingly endlessly...   Hugs, Claudia

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, beautifully stated and a question that Claudia has answered for us all, seemingly endlessly.

I found the dolls I have kept from Eri's toys, and Jon's favorite trucks and stuffed animals. I found the pieces of clothing that I packed away so many years ago from both of the kids. Eri's skating skirts, Jon's favorite hoodie when he was 10 as well as his favorite baseball team shirt from Little League. I looked at thier trophies from baseball and skating, just surveying the items I packed long before Erica died, things I thought they would want one day. I was cleaning the basement, a huge job in an unfinished space, so dusty and old. I have everything saved in big plastic bins, and in order to get rid of some of it, I must go through it. It will take me a while at this pace of mine but it is worth it. I doubt I will ever put a Christmas tree up again and so my job is to look through the ornaments and decorations and decide which things I will keep for the possibility that Jon may want them one day, and which things I can offer to the resale shop. Some ornaments are just too precious and hold too many memories to put in the discard pile. So much to do.

My Friends, may you all sleep deeply and dream sweetly,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - as long as the memories of our children are linked from our head to our heart, our hearts will go on beating.......If you are up to it, would love to see your handsome young man in the pics you found.......

The picture of Mike was in a book of photos of that night taken by a photographer.  It has been 'lost' between kids for awhile. 

Dee - Sending positive energy & strengths to Michael as he embarks on his next chapter in the chemo story.  I am also thinking of your boy Jon, who if he is anything like his mum and sister will carry a special aura of healing light to his dad.

Take Care - Trudi

 

[ericasmom]

Thanks Trudi, I went out in the morning today to cast a big prayer into a very big storm coming, so my hopes and paryers are on the wind, traveling at great speed to Eri and God. Jon is a special young man, very big heart and I so feared he would close it off as it seemed he would for a time after Eri died. He didn't and his life is full. Thank Heavens,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

My oh my, you guys are good to wake up to!

Seemingly endlessly ........

As long as my head is attached to my heart .......

We do suffer endlessly without any choice when we lose a child ........ and sometimes without any warning. I cried all afternoon after being in that closet.

Dee, I also don't know that I will ever have another Christmas tree. Christmas was magical at our house. The tree a labor of love. So many memories on one branch to describe. A moving santa, lots of crescent moon Santa's, a ballerina that twirls endlessly along with lots of other movement, twinkles and our precious Gingy.

We have the dilemma of no one to pass things onto. At least my memories. I've already started going through some things that I know will hold nothing sacred for anyone and letting them go. I'm finding myself having trouble letting go ........ I don't want the burden to fall to someone else that will wonder why I kept such things.

We were so close to a daughter-in-law and grandchildren ...... he died April 28th, they were to be married October 13th. So very close ....

That pesky question Why? is rearing it's ugly head. Too early in the day for me. Gotta take my pups for grooming this morning. I'll visit again later.

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

Picture is of our last Christmas Morning together. (2006)

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, Like you, the things I saved from lng ago of the kids' that I thought they would enjoy later, well...  now some of those things have been given to Joey's brother, but the bulk means nothing to anyone but Joey (and perhaps me), and that stuff has just gone away.  Heirlooms that I intended to split between them now all belong to Patrick with hope (on the wind...I like that!) that if and when he has children, he can pass them along as well.

Bonnie, I ache for your position in sending things away because there is no one that can appreciate your precious momentos like Jason would have.  I think of my brother sometimes, who along with his wife opted to not have children.  I can't even imagine a life having not had my precious sons.  And though one is no longer here, I am so thankful for having known the joy of him in my life.  I wonder if my brother gets sad when he thinks about all that he has worked so hard for through the years and having no one to pass it along to--except for maybe extended relatives.  I wish I could say my brother is close to Patrick, but he really hasn't been much of a presence in their lives since they were really young.  And now that Joey is gone...  well, I don;t mean to go off on that thought pattern...  I just wonder about what those that have never had the joy of children even think...  Though we've lost, we at least hold something so precious that will never fade.  I wouldn't trade knowing that joy for anything...

I haven't had a Christmas tree since moving to Ecuador--probably never will again either.  I sold all of my Christmas novelties before moving--even my collection of snow babies, which I absolutely adored...  It will never, ever be what it once was...