Loss of an Adult Child

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

Hopefully you're sleeping now but I'll say a prayer and look forward to hearing a good report.

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Kathy,

I have found 3 pennies in 5 years that are from 1984, and they are most magical. Those pennies are a tangible message, though many others don't think so, but I do.  In June, there was a penny on our neighbors driveway, we were all sitting out there while my husband was repairing my neighbors bike...I bent to pick it up and stated aloud, watch this be Eri's year, 1984, and it was. I loved it and loved that ERz would reach me like this. I prayed hard on that penny, that her Dad would be well again without cancer, and that he would find some peace in living now.

Sleep everyone,

Dee

PS may we all be blessed with hugs from our little ones...

Sal, the site is beautiful, he is a well-loved boy, and your poetry sings of your heart.

[summergirl]

Carol - I hope all went well today with your surgery - I have been thinking about you and saying a prayer. Thank you for your thoughts on the pennies - love it.

Dee - same to you my friend - finding the pennies is such a treasure but then that one special one comes along and it just makes it so much more valuable - I cannot tell you how much peace came over me - crying and laughing at the same time.

Tavian is doing better today - ever since I said those words to him about trading places with his mommy he has been acting out - last night he asked me again to promise him that I won't go to Heaven but if I do then I have to take him with me!! Poor little one - it has not been easy but certainly a lesson learned.

The police called me the other day asking if I might know where Tavian's father is as there are three different entities looking for him - Southampton police, East Hampton Village police and East Hampton Town police. They won't give me full details but it does not sound good - funny thing is all I could tell them is that he lives in Huntington, no address or phone number!!! amazing huh?  Once they find him and we find out what is going on my husband and I are discussing the fact of going back to court to have all visitations taken from him - I don't think it will be a problem as he signed over full custody to us so we are hopeful a judge will see that the right thing to do is stop his visitations all together - not that he sees him much now but I know I would feel better if Tavian never has to see him, at least until he is old enough to make his own decisions and by that time I cannot believe he will want to see him but who knows.

This is a picture of Jessica at 1 year old - she is looking at my dad and the other girl is my niece Jenny. It was so funny that everytime we would say "Jessica look at pop-pop"  she would look up at him and make this funny face. Oh how I miss her!! Good night to all and sleep well - Kathy

[messenger]

CAROL.................WHAT KIND OF SURGERY WERE YOU HAVING??? I KNOW YOUR SON......WILL BE WATCHING OVER ..EVERTIME I HAVE SURGERY WHICH IS WAY TO MUCH LATELY...I ALWAYS SEE JAMES FACE SMILING DOWN AT ME..SO I KNOW THEY ARE STILL WITH US....

I FOUND 2 PENNIES LAST WEEK..HAVENT CHECKED DATES AND THEN  DIME ON WAY OUT WALMART WHERE JAMES WORKED...NEAT!! MANY STORIES OF THIS AND I FIND IT VERY FASCINATING..MANY  THINK A PENNY IS A PENNY AND A QUINKY DINK..............I DONT AGREE..

MAY PEACE AND LOVE ENVELOPE YOU ALL......

LOVE GERI JAMES MOM

HAVING LOTS OF PAIN WITH URINARY TRACT INFECTION..WORST I HAVE EVER HAD.................HAD IT 4 DAYS AND COULDNT STAND THE SPASMS ANYMORE OR OTHER THNGS THAT GO WITH IT.........SO CALLED DR AND HE CALLED IN SCRIPT......HAVE LOST  20 PDS IN VERY VERY SHORT TIME...............SO GOING TO DR ABOUT THAT NEXT WEEK...........SICK............OF GOING TO DRS AND NOT INTERESTED IN SITTING FOR HOURS!!

HOPE ALL OF YOU ARE HANGING IN THERE ..KEEP YOUR CHINS UP AND KNOW YOUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS ARE WATCHING OVER US ALL

PEACE

GERI JAMES MOM

[messenger]

CAROL.................WHAT KIND OF SURGERY WERE YOU HAVING??? I KNOW YOUR SON......WILL BE WATCHING OVER ..EVERTIME I HAVE SURGERY WHICH IS WAY TO MUCH LATELY...I ALWAYS SEE JAMES FACE SMILING DOWN AT ME..SO I KNOW THEY ARE STILL WITH US....

I FOUND 2 PENNIES LAST WEEK..HAVENT CHECKED DATES AND THEN  DIME ON WAY OUT WALMART WHERE JAMES WORKED...NEAT!! MANY STORIES OF THIS AND I FIND IT VERY FASCINATING..MANY  THINK A PENNY IS A PENNY AND A QUINKY DINK..............I DONT AGREE..

MAY PEACE AND LOVE ENVELOPE YOU ALL......

LOVE GERI JAMES MOM

HAVING LOTS OF PAIN WITH URINARY TRACT INFECTION..WORST I HAVE EVER HAD.................HAD IT 4 DAYS AND COULDNT STAND THE SPASMS ANYMORE OR OTHER THNGS THAT GO WITH IT.........SO CALLED DR AND HE CALLED IN SCRIPT......HAVE LOST  20 PDS IN VERY VERY SHORT TIME...............SO GOING TO DR ABOUT THAT NEXT WEEK...........SICK............OF GOING TO DRS AND NOT INTERESTED IN SITTING FOR HOURS!!

HOPE ALL OF YOU ARE HANGING IN THERE ..KEEP YOUR CHINS UP AND KNOW YOUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS ARE WATCHING OVER US ALL

PEACE

GERI JAMES MOM

[messenger]

SORRY..................I MUST HAVE HIT BUTTOM 2 TIMES! TAKE GOOD CARE EACH OF YOU AND COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.....LOVE GERI JAMESMOM

[mikesmomrs]

Well, my kidney stone has been blasted into smithereens and I am finally beginning to feel better.    A day of nothing but laying about all day yesterday, and today, slowly getting around, per dr's orders.  Hubby stayed home with me yesterday and waited on me, hand and foot...nice!  Thank you all so much for your support and caring, it means so much to have so many people pulling for you, it truly does.   And, yes, Geri, I know that Mike was there with me...I hope the UTI clears up for you and you are soon pain-free...I am so sorry you've had so much to deal with physically.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.  I will be sending you an email later today. 

Not so good news on the house sale front. ..we had a really promising looker, who did wind up putting in a bid...the whackiest, not no, but hell no, bid I've ever seen or heard of!  They bid an amount that was 14,000 dollars less than the asking price---not such a huge shocker-- which had already been reduced by 32,000 dollars...and THEN---here's the shocker--- "required" that as part of the deal, WE give 14,500 dollars of the price they were paying us to a company called "Ameridream," which is a non-profit that "grants" money to people for a down payment on the purchase of the home. :shock:   Now this would mean that we would be paid 27,000 dollars less than the asking price, which would put us at exactly what we owe on the house, with NO money for the real estage agent's chunk...that would have to come out of pocket---OUR pocket.  I 'm sure that everyone else feels the same way:  OUR pockets are far short of being THAT deep!   Very disappointing.  But, we have an open house scheduled for tomorrow, and hopefully the weather will cooperate and not drop 50 foot high trees on our house, or blow our house to smithereens, like happened to some homes just a little (12 miles) northwest of here yesterday...so scary and so shocking.  We just don't have tornados up here, but that's what they are saying happened.  I feel so badly for those people who just "blinked" and their house was destroyed. 

Kathy:  It seems as though Tavian's errant "father" is getting some of what he seems to deserve...I don't blame you for putting in for no visitations from him.   

love and peace   carol  mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

I'm happy that everything went well and you're home and you're recuperating in a "Queen of Sheba" style with hubby waiting on you hand & foot. :dude:

You deserve every minute of it!

Sounds like you found a buyer who wanted your house but had to be really creative to buy it and that's too bad ...... I hope it sells soon for you and you get the price you desire.

Hope everyone has a little sunshine in their day.

Bonnie

[kalimac]

Well, thought I'd come out of lurking for a few minutes.

Carol . . so glad things medically turned out well for you. I know how anxious you must have felt and what a relief to finally have it behind you.

Loved all the celebration of life stories . . the EriFest and Shellsbells . . just awesome.

Again I had never really thought too much about finding pennies or coins as a 'sign' . . so I read that with interest in a little smile about pennies from heaven. Than logged off from this forum and headed upstairs to make some beds. The whole time I was thinking it would be kind of fun to find a coin or penny with Nathan's birth date on it . . funny thing was that for some reason I could not quickly recall his birthday and kept thinking it was 1979. I made my bed and headed out the door when suddenly I felt something on the bottom of my bare foot. At first I dismissed it as a piece of paper or somthing stuck there and than I thought well . .I'll check it out . . and if it is a penny or coin with 1979 . . it will finally be my sign from Nate. I was joking with a little smile . . reached down and pulled a dime from the bottom of my foot . .and there staring at me was the date 1987 .. it was than I realized that Nathan was born not in 1979 but in 1987 (I'm dyslexic) . . guess he was trying to tell me something!!!  That all happened less than an hour ago . .  . I cannot even remember the last time I had a coin stuck to the bottom of my foot, let alone a coin with my sons birth year on it. It does make you wonder . . . I thought I'd share . .

PS - I had my husband check the coin too to verify the right date - he couldn't believe it either.

[heartbeataway]

kalimac,

You've caught pennies from heaven fever! Now every time you find a penny you will smile and say, Thanks Nate!

Have a good day!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[johnnysmama]

Caol

Glad you are back and recovering well.

 

Greg

We all miss your great additions here. Sometimes being busy at work helps me though so maybe you will find a balance there-I hope. Brian hugging his daughter is amazing-he is always around her and you for sure.

 

Kathy

Seems if we have faith people eventually get what they deserve, huh? Tavians Dad needs to get his life together before he involves such a precious little soul.

 

Love the coins from Heaven. I am just starting to notice signs from Johnny-he is either getting better at it or I am less clueless about it. My husband was just short the money needed for a water at a job the other day-he sat down with his sandwich and there on the bench was the exact amount needed for his water. Coincidence? I don't think there are any do you? I say to my self our love is eternal and so why can't he still let us know he is here and still loving us? Like to think so anyway. Anyone else with good signs? Someone here gets hearts, right?

 

Take care and love and peace from all our kids today,

Kay

[mikesmum]

Nice one Nate - Just when you think they forgot to send you a sign....pennies from heaven!

Carol - sounds like Marvin the Martian was working on your stone!!  Glad to hear youre feeling better.  Gotta think maybe Mike was sending you a gag buyer?  I'll buy your house for less than you want with the money you give me - whats wrong with that??!!  And they think we're crazy.

Kathy - Karma - love it.  Sad for Tavian, but you know in your heart he comes from intelligent stock so I think he will work it out.......nice picture.......handsome young man.....anyone you know?!

Sun is shining through the 0 temp....off to walk the Muttley Dog.  (Dee think of you everytime I pull on the walking boots and walk that little bit further)!

Trudi

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I am so glad that you are putting on those walking boots. I am walking with you my Friend. I was thinking of you today while my husband and I were driving home from Central Illinois, farmland mostly. WE visited overnight with a friend there, about 3.5 hours. Anyhow, I thought that we can share our seasons with one another here, and that thought somehow made me feel so warm inside. I thought, when I am going out wearing nine layers of things, Trudi will be out in her shirtsleeves and we can hear about what is blooming, and which butterflies are visiting...a constant flow...a full circle...a sequence that never ceases to amaze.

kalimac, where have you been? I have missed you and again, on our drive today adn yesterday, I had some time to wander in my brain, and I wondered about your boy, Nate.  I saw a standard poodle and thought about your Son, his peaceful attitude shown through in the photos you shared. I hope that you are well, I am thinking of you.

Kathy, right on! I hope that you are able to get his visitations removed, freeing up your worries on that front. Tavian is a lucky young man to have you and your husband. He really does not need the baggage of his father. As Barrack Obama said, any male can father a child, what we need are men who are willing to be a father.

Carol, hooray for the obliterated stone. Take it easy now, and I agree that Mike sent you a crazy buyer. It almost sounds like a prank TV show.

Pennies and dimes...love that the dime was stuck to your foot. Love that it was 1987, and I love that he was right there listening to your thoughts. HOw barrier free our communication really is sometimes. Correct change on the bench, fabulous.We listen, and we watch, and when we lose the inhibition and really let ourselves believe, we feel them. They let us know in such wonderful ways that they feel what we are feeling, that they understand our need to know that they are ok. Our angels. In our sadness adn our pain, we are still made to feel blessed by love so amazingly strong.

To the Mom that is feeling so ill with UTI, I do hope that you are able to get the assistance you need to feel well again. My thoughts and prayers to you.

DEEP RESTORATIVE REST ALL,

peace one day,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Dee- So true so true.  I love reading the stories of blooms that burst into colour (Betsy's growing garden) of watering browned off gardens by moonlight cause it cooler...while I sit here and wait till the ice melts on my pond and the grass doesn't crack under the pups feet as we walk.

We have our first snowbells and daffodils poking through the earth under the bare branches of the birches.....ahhh is that Spring in the wings waiting for her cue?

We all share so much here.....Thanks.

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Dee, after reading you were in central IL, I felt a deep pang of homesick...  in a good way.  I love that farm country!!  I began to look at it so differently after I had moved to NC.  Each time I would fly into my hometown, I would "love it" more and more--seeing all of the crop patches from the air and anticipating, almost home.  Then when I departed in the air after being home for Joey's memorial, I could not help seeing the land I love and knowing that it will never, ever be the same--but I still love home.  When I lived there for so many years, having grown up there, I could not appreciate its beauty as I so fully do now...

Carol, I'm happy to hear you're on the mend now.  About the house, I know it may sound weird, but I think it's as super important in the grand scheme of things that whoever moves into your home full of rich and beautiful history will be blessed to be "the ones", and that the home will be blessed and alive to have them be the ones as well.  The "hell no" offer you got obviosuly weeded out wrong ones real fast without too much games and time wasted.  I am praying for you, that God will lead the right people to continue life in the home you and your family (and especially Mike) filled with love for so many years....

Kay, I love that your husband sat in just the right place to find just the right coin that he could purchase his water,    I wonder sometimes if we find more treasures now in life because we look for them, like looking down at the ground more when we are walking.  I know I look at the ground more now than I used to.  My mom used to say when I was a kid, "look up when you walk", as if it was bad or dangerous to look a the ground, or rude or something.  I remembered that for many years, as her fingers were always there to lift up my chin as we walked so many places together.  (My mother did not drive until I was an adult.)  AFter coming to Ecuador, I have to look down, because the ground is not level and sidewalks (if there are any) are very badly uneven and broken.  I see all kinds of things on the ground--coins and treasures gallore!  Anyway, just a thought about how different my habits have become with all of these "changes" in my life.....

Thinking of you all as I continue to read along here and see 'how much' life does go on, even when we don't realize it.........  missing Joey, Claudia

 

[summergirl]

Kalmic - so glad you found you first "penny" or dime from Heaven - I honestly do believe that our children send us signs if we are open to looking and seeing. I call Jessica my "butterfly girl" as when ever I am outside and at my worst one always seems to show up - my girlfriend Linda bought me a butterfly bush and it is growing beautiful with purple flowers - one of our favorite colors. They say if a butterfly lands on you it is good luck. One day my husband and I were outside and suddenly this most beautiful butterfly landed on his shoulder, I ran in the house and got the camera and it was still there when I came back and I took a picture of it - I will try to post it tonight. Keep looking for the signs and when you least expect it it will be there.

Kay - yes sometimes people get what they deserve and I truely hope that Tavian's "dad" gets what he deserves. So far I have heard from some police friends that he is wanted for drugs, assaulting a police officer and a few other things so I don't think he will get off this one to easily. I feel sorry for his mother as I know what it can do to a mother to have a son who does wrong things - it is a heartbreaker but you can only do what you can to raise them and then they make their own choices - children do not come with a hand book on how to raise them and even the best parents in the world can suddenly find themselves in a place where they never thought they would be - a child in trouble, breaking the law, a deadbeat dad, whatever, it is heartbreaking.  However I have no feelings whatsoever about Tavian's dad - as long as he stays away from Tavian I will be fine - it's not as though he sees him often or has a schedule for seeing him - it is always when his mother pushes him to come to her house when Tavian is there and most times he never shows anyway.

Trudi - Yes, Tavian will work it out as he has Barry and I to guide him and keep him safe and Jessica watching over him - I have no fear of Tavian's dad - he is nothing to me and I will go back to court if I have to - I certainly will go as soon as he is arrested to stop all visitations.    Are you talking about the "young man" in the picture I posted of Jessica when she was one year old? If so, that is my dad 29 years ago - Jessica and my dad had a great relationship and he loved her so.

Carol - so glad the surgery is over and you are recuperating at home and being treated like the "queen" that you are - you deserve it after all you have been through - so happy for you.

First rainy Sunday we have had in a long time - no beach so we hung out and I got to watch "Daddy Day Care" with Tavian three times!!! He loves it and was being lazy today so we just hung out. I know Daddy Dare Care by heart now and think I might have to hide it for a while and find something else to watch!! We usually are not tv people but on a stormy Sunday it was kind of nice to do nothing and be lazy - Jessica would have been lying on the couch eating popcorn and coloring!! God I miss her.

Here is the picture of my husband with the butterfly on his shoulder. So beautiful.

Missing you my Jessica - my heart cannot mend, it is so shattered by your leaving - I know that you want me to be happy and I am trying but somedays it is to hard to think of you and be happy at the same time - Tavian makes me laugh so maybe you are working your magic through him - I love you sooooooooooo!!!

 

 

[johnnysmama]

Kathy

Love Jessica's butterfly picture. We went to a family reunion and there was a yellow swallowtail butterfly that kept following us around. It always came very close to my husband, me and Johnny's 2 sisters. Almost pesky-like Johnny could be at times. I know he was letting us know he was there with us, with family.

 

Kay

[ericasmom]

Trudi, heard that while your first snowbells are emerging through the frozen earth, real snow fell on Sydney yesterday, they say the first time in 100 years. What fun for the kids to see it.

Kathy and Kay, I tried to send my butterfly pictures, many of Swallowtails that zip and zoom through my day, I love them. I have been able to take close up photos of them each summer, I never tire of them, and they happily hang out in the garden. We have a large garden that I was excited to send photos of, but I am some kind of a nut when it comes to coordinating my photo site and BI. Anyhow, I will get them up one day. I was thinking of the wing of a butterfly, how like a stained glass window they are, pieces of color and pattern hung  together on seams that deliniate the sections. I picture our hearts like that...Kath you said your heart cannot repair, it is shattered, and i think of the wings of the butterfly, pieces that come together in complete beauty and thier fit allows flight. One day Kathy, your heart will be less shattered, there will be seams that are tender reminders of the work it took to mend some of those loose pieces. The laughter with Tavian is the bittersweet glue, he is the hope of Jess's future and the reminder of who you have lost. Just like our grief that stays with us, it gets assimilated into our hearts and shares space in the rebuilt space with all of our joys. There is grace in our hearts.

Carol, keep getting better, I am so glad for it. The house will sell one day, maybe very soon, but to someone that will love it as their home.

Kay, love the photo of Johnny.

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

What a beautiful analogy of a butterfly's wing and a shattered heart.

As far as posting pictures, have you tried photobucket? If you want, I will post how I do it and perhaps if will help.

Jay'sMom, Bonnie

[shellbellsmom]

Hello everyone....I am back from my mini vacation in northern Michigan.  It’s so beautiful up there, temps in the 70's and beautiful sunny skies.  We were on a lake so it was also very peaceful.  I sure needed it after weeks of stressing out about my daughters Celebration.  Her actual angel date- Monday the 21st, I was too exhausted to do much.    Thanks to everyone who made a stop to her memorial website and signed her guestbook...it meant a lot to share my precious child with others. 

Hi Jane...welcome.  My daughter very close to your sons age (22) died from complications of Leukemia...38 days from when she was diagnosed.  Actually her leukemia was in remission but developed lung problems (ARDS) when her immune system was compromised ,which we couldn't get under control.  We never said goodbye...She died 7/21/07.  I also stopped by your son Joel's website...he sounded like such a happy fun loving son...I do hope all our children are hanging out with each other and having more fun then they ever could have had here on earth. 

Carol, wishing you a successful surgery...and a speedy recovery.

Sal, the balloon launch caught on video is awesome.  We got lots of pictures of ours but our camcorder couldn't focus on the balloons so didn't get any good video of our launch.

Kathy, I too have found pennies with my daughters year on it...1984, and have saved everyone.  They are a special gift sent down from them for us to find.  My last one was found in the dryer...I was having a real sad day....feeling like crap when I opened up the dryer because the rattling was rather annoying until I found the 1984 penny making all the noise.  Then I knew it was my Michelle telling me...get off my duff mom, she was alright...and was watching over me.  Its funny how one little penny can make the day a little brighter?

Take Care everyone...so glad to be home.

Sue (Michelle, my Shellbells mom)

[daveydow1]

Carol, and Geri James Mom,

Thinking of both of you, and hoping you are feeling better by now.

Take care, and my prayers are for your recovery.  Peace be with you.

        Daveysmom,  Sherry

[daveydow1]

Mikesmumrs, Carol,

All I can say about the  wacky offer you had on your house is----------

 "  IT TAKES ALL KINDS...TO MAKE A WORLD "

       DAVEYSMOM ,   SHERRY 

[briansdad]

Well, I got back yesterday from Dayton Ohio.I went there with Brian's baby for a big car show that Brian used to go to every year.She was so good. We talked about her Dad on the 6 hour ride there.After the show all the kids went to a local drag strip to run their cars.She watched the whole time.She said she liked it.JUST LIKE HER DAD!!!We went to the Air Force Museum on the way home.She liked that as well.Also the last time I was at the museum was about 10 years ago with Brian.

[heartbeataway]

Brian's Baby ........ "Just Like Her Dad"

Did you expect otherwise Grandpa??

Sounds like you had a great time. A six hour drive for a little one can be tough.

Jay's Mom, Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Greg, how special to have had a vacation with your Grandgirl. She must feel so connected to you right about now, as you do her. Your Son smiling on you both as you carry on in this world. I am so glad for you and for the others here who have Grandkids to cherish. Sounds like the two of you are able to share time quite easily and join in on activities that you shared with Brian. She is definitely a Grandad's and Daddy's Girl.

Dee

[summergirl]

Kay - you said it right - love the butterflies but also can be "pesky" at times - like your Johnny and my Jessica!!! I had one fly into my hair and every time I took it out it came back again - like my Jessica, she could sometimes drive me whacky with her silly ways - now I would give just about anything to have her be whacky with me again.

Dee - what a way with words that you have - you should be writing a book you know. Your description of the butterflies and shattered hearts had me in tears. It is so true I know and I know that some day my heart will come together and the seams will be held together by Tavian - the bittersweet glue that binds - Jessica's future and the reminder of what is lost. I know that I have come a long way since Feb 18, 2006 but there are days when I honestly cannot believe she is not coming home - it is like the heart refuses to hear what the mind knows to be true. I believe that the mind sometimes allows us to believe what we want to believe as it gives us some sort of relief - I allow myself to believe she didn't really die, that she moved away to some far away place and will come home someday. Just for a little while it feels good and then I come back to reality and it is ok - am I the only one that does that?? There are the days when I do not want to deal with life - I want to get in my car and just drive, no thoughts, no saddness, no "life after Jessica" - just drive. Then I look at Tavian and there is no way I would ever leave his side, we need each other so much - the bond between us grows stonger every day and I just pray that I am ready for what ever the future holds for us as a family - I need the strength I receive from all of you and before I know it I will be posting about his teenage years - very scary!! So stick with me my friends and we will guide each other. Thanks Dee more than I can say.

Sue - love that you found the penny in the dryer - definitely Michelle talking to you. Yes, it is amazing that finding a penny can brighten your day more than you would ever have thought to be possible.    Michelle's Angel day is my Jessica's birthday - Jult 21st - I am sure they have found each other as well as all of our angel's we talk about here on BI - they must connect or we would not have found each other.

Greg - sounds like you had a wonderful time with Brian's baby and Grandpa's girl. It is amazing isn't it how much the connection between Grandparent and grandchild can lift you up like nothing else can - spending time with your grandaughter is like spending time with Brian but in a different way - like Tavian and I - so much like Jessica but his own personality also. Gotta love it.

My husband is over at the hospital tonight as his dad took a turn for the worse again today and went back in. It is like they are back to square one again and does not seem to be getting any better. He can not even get out of his chair by himself as he has such a hard time breathing - I believe it won't be much longer before God calls him home, it is my gut feeling but hope I am wrong. Will keep you informed.

Today Tavian had a not so good day at camp - the lead counselor, Matt, told my husband that he was not a "good listener" today and if he does the same tomorrow then he can not go to the beach with the rest of the children. So, Barry and I had a talk with him and after Barry left I made him sit down and write a note to Matt - he wrote "Matt, I am sorry I was not a good listener" from Tavian. He did not want to do it but he needs structure and discipline and needs to realize that he cannot act up in camp or anywhere else, I know he will have moments but I need to be srong and make him understand the difference between right and wrong - it is not always easy as I have a hard time "being the mean mi-mi" but I know in my heart it is what he needs and also Jessica would not have it any other way. A lesson learned is good.

Good night to all and peace - will talk to all tomorrow. Kathy

This is a picture of Jessica when she was at a friend's house studying - l love the cap on backwards - what a beauty my girl!! 

[summergirl]

Another favorite of Tavian - he was sitting on the docks watching some dolphins that had found their way into the waters not far from us - he loved it.  Good night to all.

[summergirl]

Don't know what happened - posted a picture on top of another one!! I will get better at this when I get my new computer!!!

[ericasmom]

Kathy, that beautiful hair on Jess, like a waterfall of copper. So pretty and like Tavian, a face that says it all. Thanks for your kind words, I do believe that one day you will feel the strengthening within, it is happening each day. Oh, I know of those days when you simply do not have it in you to face the reality of it all, I have those once in a while, but used to have them more. When I have a dream of Erica, I wake up feeling enriched, infused with her, a clear picture...

Two weeks ago I had to go in for the dreaded Colonoscopy. My Doc wants me to be up on my physical and I am 52 so it was time. I will complain until I am without a voice however, that we can send the Mars Rover and recieve photos from that faraway place, but they have not yet figured out a way to get a person ready for that particular scope, without having to dirnk a gallon of horrible tasting liquids. And on top of an empty stomach? I digress...so the day I was in the hospital, I was laying on the gurnee when the cold stab of liquid hit my hand, and I knew the twilight was running through my veins. I am very easily sedated and so I said I am leaving now to the nurse.

I remember looking at the door as the swirling of my life was all around me and I saw the layers of my grief. I heard myself say "Oh Eri" I saw all the layers like the veneer on the door, and I felt a tear run down my cheek before I was out. Each layer was a distinct measure of grief, a marker of sorts. I rememered the layers when I woke and felt a terrible sadness, realizing  the work we do to keep our footing in this world, feeling the exhuastion that comes with that, and the wonder as well. The wonder of how do we do it, day in and out,  and somedays it is why do we do it, why do we work so hard, and still other times it is the wonder of what shall I do to best live my life to honor my Daughter. That last one, is the answer to the first and second questions of wonder. Why and how are simply answered; because I need to live my best life in order to honor Erica.

May peace wake you in the morning, a quiet splendor.

 

[ericasmom]

a picture of my son, Jonathan.

[ericasmom]

forgot to say that he was a little guy of 3 at the time. I love his lazy eye when he was tired, I still see that in him and he is 26 now and as handsome as ever.

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

Didn't notice the "lazy" eye but you do have a "looker" on your hands!

Thanks for sharing his picture!

Jay'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Kathy,

Jessica really is a stunning young lady! I envy her hair. I think you always want what you don't have. I have stick straight hair so I love to see those lovely curls like Jessica's.

Jason was a strawberry blonde. He let his hair grow past his shoulders at one point and it was stunning ........

He was on the way home from work one night and the wind was blowing, he didn't have anything to hold his hair back, it aggravated him and when he got home, he cut it. That was Jay!

The picture of Tavian sitting on the dock watching the dolphins is just precious. You can see in his little face that he was totally mesmerized by whatever they were doing.

Great pictures! Thanks for sharing them with us.

Jay'sMom, Bonnie

[johnnysmama]

Greg

I am so glad you were able to take Brian's baby girl with you and it was such a great trip for you both. Those types of bondings are so precious now. She has too much brian in her NOT to love cars.

 

Dee

The butterflies wings-awesome. I wish you would write a book for me to read your soothing words over and over. The picture of the fragments yet parts of a whole is so true of my heart.

 

Kathy

jessica-the hair is breathtaking. Tavian is so smart he is testing you. Kids try to act out as it is their only form of control and they dont have the life experiences we have to know how to cope any other way. You are handling it perfectly. The structure you are giving him by not allowing it is JUST what he is seeking-he just doesnt know it. Structure is another form of love. You are just loving him everytime you are letting him know what is acceptable and what is not. Good for you. By the way, I am very jealous of where you live-the dolphins? wow.

 

Take care all and glad you are all here, Kay

[daveydow1]

Dee,

I can sympathize with you about the prep for the colonoscopy. Quite

awful, isn't it ?    I had one----I said 'never again'.  Yes, we must live

as full a life as we can----as our dearly departed children would want

us to, even though it can be a very rocky road of heartaches and pain

at times---or MOST of the time, whichever.  Hope you are getting back

to feeling better now. Take care.

p.s.  Photo of your son, Jonathon at age 3-----sooooo  cute. My daughter

also had a "lazy eye" as an infant----it straightened itself out in due time.

                       Daveysmom,  Sherry

 

                             

[daveydow1]

Kathy,

The pic of Tavian at the dock is so very dear. What a beautiful child he is.

Also, the photo of Jessica----her hair is indeed like a cascade of copper, as

Dee said. All that curl--lovely.  As someone else said---my hair is also STICK

STRAIGHT, so I love to see someone with such beautiful hair.  Tavian does

look like his beloved mommy. 

          Daveysmom,   Sherry

[mikesmum]

Dee - Yep they can put a man on the moon, feed him on the way and dispose of the by-prouducts without problem - but find a quick easy and enjoyable prep, now that's hard.  I have these things every 2yrs.  The only upside, is the midaz, a lovely drug that relaxes and when you wake you can't remember much and you have a euphoric feeling.

Love the picture - those eyes, lazy or not!

Last one was 8 months after Mike died.  I wanted so much to be put under so I might see him.  Didn't happen, but I did wake with an overwhelming feeling that he had been with me the whole time.

Kathy - yep, there is no denying the beauty of Jess's hair.  Love the pic of Tavian, sitting on the dock of the bay.

Sue - thanks for visiting Micheals site.  It is a place where I can share the boy the man and the impact of his loss.

Sun shining here - yet still struggling to make zero!

Greg - There is no denying that Brian's baby girl is such a reflection of her dad!

Take Care......Trudi

This is a pic of Mike and his baby sister Melissa so long ago.  She started the day in a white lacy dress, but after Mike found a black jelly bean and 'shared' she was a vision of black and grey drool!! 

 

[summergirl]

Dee - "Live my best to homor my daughter" - the perfect words for me to hear right now - not a good day, had a meltdown out of nowhere and had to call my sister to talk me through it - all I could say was "I can't remember what Jessica's voice sounded like" - it was so awful, it hit me like a ton of bricks and then I kept thinking if I can't remember what her voice sounded like what else am I going to forget!!! My sister was great and talked me through it and I ended up crying and laughing at the same time.  When that happens to me I am drained of energy for the rest of the day. I am glad to hear that you dream of Erica, I have only had one dream of Jessica and it was so serene - Tavian and I were standing on a hill top looking down and there was Jessica with her back to us in this most beautiful white flowing gown and she was walking away from us - I did not call out to her and she did not turn around, just kept walking and then I woke up crying - have not dreamed of her since, do not know why.           You said it right - Jessica was blessed with the most beautiful hair and the spirit to go with it - she was everything I could ever have wanted in a daughter and I am blessed to have had her for 26 years and blessed that she had such a beautiful son to love for 4 years and now I must carry on as his mommy/mi-mi. Your Jonathan is adorable and I am sure he is just as adorable now at 26 - when I looked at his picture I felt as though he was looking right at me and could see me - beautiful eyes, beautiful spirit. Thank you again my friend for all of you wonderful words - I too wish you could write a book that I could read over and over again.

Bonnie - thank you - Jessica is stunning - she went through a period where she did not want her "curly" hair and straightened it by ironing it!! She looked so different and it only lasted about 2 days, thank goodness!! Jessica had not cut her hair since she was about 13 years old - when it was wet it hung past her "behind"!! Your Jason sounds like Jessica - spontaneous about things - like him cutting his hair on the spur of the moment - Jessica used to get crazy about me when we went shopping or something as I had the whole day planned and she would say "mom, lets just go and have fun and not worry about where we are going first or where we are going to eat lunch" - I was the planner and she was the just go for it - kinda loved that about her.

Kay - Yes Tavian is testing me and not much better today - very fresh so I told him that I had a wooden spoon with his name on it and he was going to get a spanking if he didn't stop being fresh - then in his very "sweet" way he told me if I spanked him he would tell his pop-pop!!! I told him that was fine by me. I wouldn't really spank him with a wooden spoon - not much of a believer in hitting but a good whack on the butt certainly won't hurt him!!  Then I told him no tv or snack and he was going straight to bed unless he changed his attitude and he started crying and said "please give me another chance, I promise to not be fresh" - so I gave him one more chance and he was fine but I got my point across and feel good about that. I realize that he needs me to be strong with him so I am sticking to what I say.   Yes, living in East Hamton is a beautiful place with the ocean and bays, beautiful area but as any other place it has it's not so good things. I was born and raised in Iowa and I sometimes miss the "down home" feeling of being on the farm - when I go home to visit it is like going to a retreat. We actually saw two dolphins last weekend swimming by us at the ocean and of course I did not bring my camera for the first time.    Thank you for your encouraging words about me doing a good job with Tavian, it is nice to hear as I sometimes doubt myself, I haven't had a 6 year old in the house for a long time and things have changed so much since my two children were little - just one day at a time and alot of prayers.

Sherry - sorry about the stick straight hair - mine is not much better - I have curls but nothing like my Jessica - she got those from her dad!! I have a hugh lock of Jessica's hair and I take it out every now and then and just hold it - I always played with her hair until she said I was driving her crazy - couldn't help myself.  Yes, I believe Tavian looks like his mom, he definitely has her stubborness and free spirit.

Trudi - where are you?? I miss you my friend.

I am not sure if I posted a picture of Madison Jessica - the little baby girl my brother-in-law and sister-in-law adopted - she is so beautiful and I love that they gave her Jessica's name - it was something they had planned all along - if it was a boy it would have been Jesse - anyway here is a picture of her.

Have a beautiful night and thanks to all for all of your support - I do not know what I would do without you all. Kathy

 

 

[summergirl]

One more - this is Jessica and Tavian and my baby Kaylie dog (miss her) - Jessica had taken Tavian to the fair and he had his face painted as spiderman!  So cute.

[summergirl]

Trudi - so good to hear from you - I was just asking where you were. I have missed you my friend, my inspiration!!!  Will meet you again this weekend for a fruity drink watching the sunset and lots of talking. Everyone else feel free to join in.  Love the picture of Mike and Melissa - adorable!!!

[briansdad]

Here is a pic from our trip.

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I love that photo as well, and I love the thought of sharing the jelly-bean. Oh the joy of stains on pretty dresses and handsome shirts. Thanks for the nice words about my Jonathan, he is a wonderful young man, still with that spirit you see in his young photo.

Kathy, the baby is beautiful and funny, I saw the photo before I read your post and I thought, " that must be Jessica, looks like her." Perhaps this little one is sprinkled with Jess's magic. I know that using strong statements with Tavian is important, follow through is vital as right now, he is testing the world. He is thinking, " will they actually do what they say..." when we don't do what we say, children start to think that we are not honest, that perhaps nothing we say is true, and some, especially kids who have had trauma, wonder things like, " well if that wasn't so, then do they really love me?" So your being consistent is key. Six year olds also have a struggle going on in pushing you as mother, away a bit. The world becomes bigger than Mom,Dad, and home. School and daycare carry all sorts of other expectations, and we parents lose some of our "starring role." For children with loss, all of that is going on as well as figuring out the grief...Anyhow, I sure admire the strength you have as you raise a six year old, and my hat is off to you.

Kay, thanks for your sweetness. I do wish to write a book or two, it has been a dream of mine since way before Eri Died. I have a kid book written though I have been chicken to send it out to see if anyone thinks it is publishable. I will one day. I have many poems written and a few short stories. Most of my poetry has to do with the the effects from the event of losing My Girl. I have given thought to writing a book about grieving, there are many on the market however, and I am unsure of my ability to finish things as well as the direction a book like this may take. I wander an awful lot in my writing. I am like a meandering river.

Sleep Everyone, and with blessings from our Babies, dream of them.

[ericasmom]

[align=center]Like Summer[/align]

 

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]She couldn’t be contained [/align]

[align=center]and she dripped through my grasp[/align]

[align=center]like summer days.[/align]

[align=center]No matter what or how I tried to slow the process.[/align]

[align=center]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Oh to keep she and the summer near,[/align]

[align=center]close and[/align]

[align=center]safe in her breeze and in her long days,[/align]

[align=center]They left together… [/align]

[align=center][/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Summer gone with her last breath.[/align]

[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]by Dee Conmy[/align]

[ericasmom]

[align=center]Gradual[/align]

[align=center]

[align=center]Like the lengthening sunlight[/align]

[align=center]As spring progresses to summer-[/align]

[align=center]Or the lessening of light[/align]

[align=center]as autumn makes sure of itself…[/align]

[align=center]like that,[/align]

[align=center]gradual [/align]

[align=center]gradual but most definitely present.[/align]

[align=center][/align]

[align=center]That is how healing in grief feels-[/align]

[align=center]Like a moment or two of light enters my soul,[/align]

[align=center]Catching me by surprise,[/align]

[align=center]Gradually.[/align]

[align=center][/align]

[align=center]Dee Conmy[/align]

July 2007[/align]

[mikesmum]

Dee - beautiful words, descriptive narratives that come from within.  I think it has been said before, but you do have a gift.   For me you give a spirited lift that encourages me to strive for the next day.....to live as we all try, to honour the child we have lost....

Kathy  - Right here...never far.  Sorry about the meltdown, they do hit with a verocity that disables and are as random as the wind.   I have in my memories box a recording of my dad, singing with his grandbabies.  Mike was 4, Melissa 3 and Steven 2. It has my dad encouraging them to sing Twinkle Twinkle.   Mike has a British accent, Melissa reinvents the words (stars are umpabub) and Steven, well he just giggles.  Dad has been gone 28yrs this past Feb.  It still makes me cry (as I am  now) just hearing Dad.  Knowing Mike is with this Grandpa is a comfort.

It hits me when I think, "I haven't heard from the kids".  My mind runs through, 'Its okay Steve is working away, Melissa has Uni and Mike................that's when the mind runs the slide show that drops me into the reality of why I haven't heard from Mike.

As always thank goodness you all get it without explanation.

[shellbellsmom]

Dee what beautiful poems…the Gradual is soooo true.  I think back one year ago and realize I am coping a little better from what I was the weeks after her death…As each day passes I am able to do more things, speak more about her death, and get myself back into society a little better…but its been so gradual as your words say. Moment by moment…day by day.  But then there are the times when as Kathy mentioned when you have a melt-down over not remembering their voice…or actually realizing how much time has passed since you spoke to them, saw them, or even hugged them…then you go right back to that deep dark place we are desperately trying get past.   I remember franticly searching through old video tapes just to find one so I could see her face and hear her voice once again. 

 I have those brief moment when I see or hear something I want to share with Michelle…then seconds later realize…yeah…that’s not going to happen.  It’s almost like getting stabbed in the gut with a knife….the pain is so intense….and the wound is still so deep. Who ever described grief as a rollercoaster ride was right on… It is an up and down journey that can be terrifying. There are plenty of times people want to just scream! Your emotions can change from day to day, hour to hour, and even moment by moment. You can feel upside down, then the right way up. Eventually things slow and you can catch a breath. That is what I hope to someday find.  The time when I can catch my breath again and just remember all the good thoughts and not all the pain she suffered. 

 The pictures everyone has sent in our their children are precious….those are the memories we must hold on to.  Take Care, Sue

[daveydow1]

Kathy,

Ooooh, what a beautiful little baby girl, Madison Jessica.  It's so nice that

your brother-in-law and sister-in-law chose to give the baby Jessica's

name for her middle name.  It means so much, I know.  My grandson's

name is Trenton David  (nearly 2 now).  We were elated when they gave

him our Davey's name for his middle name.  Yes, people always seem to

want the  hair that is opposite of what they have.  At this point, I've just

resigned myself to having stick-straight hair, but one consolation----I have

lots of it.  Peace be with you, friend.

[daveydow1]

Dee,

Your poems definitely express your grieving heart, and of those of us

here at BI.   In this age of  'instant everything', we have a tendency 

to want things to resolve quickly, but we all know that it doesn't work

that way when we're on this journey.  It all must happen in its own time,

and is different in ways, for every one of us.  So, it is Gradual.   I also

feel that it was the end of summer that June 14 when Davey was killed.

As you know so well----it was the end of summers, in a way, for summers

to come.  Keep writing poems, books etc.  I love reading it. 

Thinking about you and sweet ERi.  Peace.

                                        Daveysmom,    Sherry 

[heartbeataway]

Greg.

You have a beautiful grand-daughter! These are precious days for you! Great picture!

Dee, you do have a way with words. I agree with the word, gifted. And you use your words well, to comfort and bring strength.

I too. so enjoy the pictures. I have been in a place that I can't go through my pictures of Jay.

Today at the grocery store, I stopped and was ordering a cold drink at Starbucks. The girl asked if I have young children running around at home. I told her no. She think ask if I have grandchildren running around. I told her no. At this point, I'm beginning to get a little upset inside. She then asked if I had children in high school. I told her no. She THEN ask if I had a child in college!!! By this time, I'm having trouble keeping my composure and she could tell ...... so, she ask if I was okay.

I finally was able to tell her that my only child, my son died 15 months ago.

She said, and I quote, Oh, that's a bummer...... and quickly changed the subject.

I made it to the car and collapsed in tears. I know she didn't mean to be insensitive and she had absolutely no way of knowing but geez ..... a

bummer!!?! I should have said back, ya think!!??

We are suppose to leave tomorrow to fly to Virginia for my nephews wedding. I can't even think about being there without Jason and not get upset. So, even after buying tickets, boarding the dogs and securing a hotel, we are not going.

I'm not sure if anyone understand or not........ I don't know when I'll be able to face another family "reunion" without him.

Nothing in my life is the same anymore ........ nothing.

Ask me why I grieve so I can say his name again .............

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, My heart sank as I read your post.  I am so sorry...  I am so sad for you, being in that place that is like "frozen in grief"--unable to view photos, attend events, or even to go for a Starbucks without incident.  The girl there was no help at all, condsidering your already inner struggle with your nephew's wedding.  There are just too many unthinking people in this world that pollute the air with nonsensical words just to fill their time and aparent boredom.  Unfortunately it hurts others sometimes, and those people are none the wiser...

It's likely that few words can be comforting right now, so as I continue in my own reflective and prayer-filled evening, diving into the 2nd anniversary date for Joey (2 years at 12:17 am on the 31st), I am also saying prayers for you and hoping that comforting peace finds you very soon... 

Take care of you!!   HUGS, Claudia