Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Trudi,

you are a beautiful person, inside and out, what a lovely lady to do as you did yesterday. Jess' birthday card is a one of a kind to be sure, and Jess and all of the kids are hlding us in thier arms, their hearts, smiling at our connections. Thank you, knowing ERi would soar high with all of the kids makes my heart soar too. THe weather  conditions were especially challenging for a balloon, but not that balloon; heaven-bound. I love seeing your pretty face, and the place that you live...you touched us all here.

Kay, you do the same for everyone here. YOu are a gentle person with a huge heart that happens to have been shattered. But I will promise you again, it will mend in such a way that makes room for the grief to nestle next to the joy.

Love you all, more later when I have time to hang out,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie:  I agree with your thoughts that Jason would want you to celebrate life events with the thought that he is there with you, because he surely is....always.  The love you shared while he was here, is still being passed back and forth between you, and always will be.  

Many times I have thought that I cannot or do not want to do something such as what you spoke of, but so many times through those thoughts, like the ticker tape you spoke of, will run the words that Mike spoke to me before he left "Please, don't stop living because I die,"  but they are often overrun with the "How can he be gone" thoughts.  The day he said that to me, I broke down in his arms...he standing there, holding me, he the one who was dying, and me, the one who would be living on, wanting so much to trade places with him.  It seemed so unfair that he was giving strength to me.  And I truly believe that all of you who "got the call" regarding the loss of your precious child, would have heard the same words from them, had they the opportunity to say them.  Still, it is difficult for us to "live"; overwhelming sense of loss, guilt, gut-wrenching feelings of pain push us to hide from life, not partake in the celebrations it brings.  I am so glad that you have decided to attend the wedding.  There will be tears, for sure, but you know that Jason will be there with you, smiling at you, holding you in his heart, giving you strength, pleased that you are there.  And from this, I believe that you will be a little stronger at the end of the day...knowing you were able to do this.   And we will be there with you, also, in spirit, sending strength and love to you as you go through the day. 

Kay:  I am so very sorry for what you are going through with your family...to mention others lost, and not mention Johnny's name was just a heartless, thoughtless thing to do, and I am just so sorry that it happened.  I admire you for your strength in the presence of such a lack of support...of course, as I mentioned to Bonnie, you know that Johnny was there with you, holding you in his heart, and sending strength and love to you, despite what else was going on.  Please know that you have us there with you, as well, always. 

Trudi:  what a sweet and wonderful thing for you to do...sending out the balloons with our loved one's pictures, you are a truly a woman who operates under her heart's leadings...we all send our love and thanks to you for remembering all of us. 

Terri:  Your words on taking Madalyn to the fair warmed my heart.  Reliving and continuing on those traditions that we shared with our precious child will keep their memories going.  I am so glad that you were able to share all that with Madalyn, and knew that Heather with right there with you, smiling and enjoying those memories.   Sharing the love and fun that they infused into their lives, though sometimes painful to do,  is such a wonderful way to continue their love of life.  Mike's wife, Sarah, is beginning to acquaint their little one, Damon, with the things that meant so much to him...family get-togethers, holidays, celebrations, Star Wars, the Beatles, so many other things that Mike was so passionate about (we are still waiting for the enthusiasm for the Red Sox....she is a football fan; baseball is not in her vocabulary, so I guess that will be up to us, lol).   Seeing that same delight and discovery in the eyes of all of Mike's children just makes our heart beat a little stronger, and we know that Mike's spirit is right there with them, discovering them all over again. 

Dee and Sue:  Can't wait to hear more about your days this past weekend...I know that your beautiful daughters were there with you all...and I do hope the sun broke through, but even if it didn't, the sun was in your hearts. 

love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs

[mamabets]

For ALL~ Do you ever feel like you are just spinning because you want to grab each and every one of us and hold on so tight to help ease this sorrow??

I do make SURE to celebrate every single one of our angel babies, I just get so lost sometimes...I want so desperately to fix this all, and can not.

My heart spins.....

BUT, on a happier/funnier note, our angel garden is full of busy-ness!!!! I find myself saying "You little monkeys...You have been trampling in here FOR SURE"

I have to tidy up out there!! But, there are so many things blooming, that I just let it be!

Their party is ongoing...And, we could not be here together, if they were not all together there, right?

I love you all!

A new little kitty has found his way to our front door...Julia named him "HALO" and he LOVES being outdoors!!! Just precious, and we have grown to love him!!!! He loves Ellen Degeneres' brand food HALO!!!

He has been all checked out at the vet, and I was sure it was a little girl kitty...Vet came out to the waiting room and announced..."IT'S A BOY"

I smiled and bowed my head.....

To hear my hubby say to people on the phone.."I have 4 dogs and a cat" is very funny.....

LOVE

mamabets

 

[mikesmomrs]

:D:DHappy birthday, Jessica!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D:D

                                     :):):):)

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

ps:  Mamabets:  I LOVE the heart sky peeking through the clouds!!!

[mamabets]

For mikesmomrs~ I have all of these amazing pictures that find their way to my files..Collected, I suppose, over these past 4 years...They immediate go to my AOL files, and it is rather amazing!!! They even go in alphabetical order!!

I PRAY that you are feeling better, Carol!!!!!

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

[align=left]HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET JESS!!![/align]

[align=center]~LOVE FOREVER AND EVER~[/align]

[align=center]MAMABEBETS[/align]

[align=center]and[/align]

[align=center]SUPERDAN[/align]

[align=center]xoxoxoxo[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[veronicasmom]

My Veronica’s birthday is just around the corner—August 10^th.  It would have been her 30^th.  I remember last year talking about it with her and she excitedly asking me if I was going to have a party for her and I said “Of course, with many people and lots of presents!”  She had such a big smile on her face.  She was such a goof and still a child at heart.  Now, her 30^th is around the corner and she is gone.  I have been having a lot apprehension over this—I cry and want to scream:  “NOoooooooo!   This can’t be”.  I don’t know how or if I want to celebrate this birthday.  I had promised a big party, yes, but not at the cemetery.  I have scheduled a mass and then we’ll go to her gravesite with 30 balloons (green, her favorite color) and release them.  But, I really don’t want to do this.  I have been more afraid of this date than I am of her death date in October.  I think of it everyday and dying on the inside.  And yet I have to keep a smile on just not to upset all who depend on me.  I cannot imagine a celebration of her life.  Why?  I want to celebrate her alive not dead.  I envy people that have been able to do this.  I cannot.  I just want to hold her one more time.

[ericasmom]

What has happened to our childrens' photos? Is everyone expereincing this sudden loss of lines adn photos?

It just came up this way all of a sudden, so let me know if I am the only one not seeing our kids pictures next to our names.

Bonnie, I am glad too that you are going to the wedding, somehow I think you will come away from the experience less conflicted and you will have gone to a celebration carrying your Son with you, as he carries you there as well. There will be tears, but therre are tears at home too, and those tears are a mark of your love.

I went to a wedding of ERi's oldest friend, they met when they were mere babies, and hung together ever since. Tamara got married and my son and I sat together and wept. It was not an easy event, though we were both so happy for Tamara, but we knew too, that Erica would have been in her wedding had she been here,  instead, she wandered down that aisle on Tam's shoulder; a ball of goodness and light.

happy birthday Jessica- may you smile on your family knowing that they carry on in your love.

Love you all,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Dear Veronica's Mom,

I am sorry for the way you are feeling right now, and while I hate to say it is normal, because nothing is really normal anymore, it is normal for grieving parents to feel as you do right now. Approaching a birthdate or the anniversary of the death, are dates that put us in knots and that confusion leads us where? It feels as though we will never figure it all out, but the confusion will work its way out and you will then know how you want to handle that day. Oh we know it would never be your choice to be at a cemetery for your Daughter's birthday, but in the face of reality, it is what we have now. YOur girl will be proud of whatever decision you make, whether to be alone that day or meet at the cemetery with balloons, she knows the struggle you are faced with...and so do we, having walked this path in front of you. Place your feet in our steps and let us take some of your burden if you can, you are new to this bumpy road. As others have said, the anticipation of the dates are often more strenuous than the actual date. Come back here and post as often as you need as you get closer to Veronica's birthdate. You may find as many of us have, that in this environment, we are definitly family.

Sincerely,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Dee - no loss of pictures or lines. 

We have come together as an online 'family' - I felt it seemed natural that our kids would come together too.  I believe in my heart that Mike as found, as have I, incredible souls with such strength and insight.   They are in a place of peace, light and energy.  Hence, balloons!!

For Veronicasmom - I hear what you say, and believe me you are one of many who feels the same.  To celebrate the birth of your child you want to be able to hold them, reminisce with them, blow out the candles and just be with them. 

A celebration of life was something I chose to do, to continue to focus on the one day when Mike died was unfair to him.  He was gone 5 months before his 32nd birthday.  I did consider those around me.  Mikes siblings, his nieces and nephews.....for them it was a no brainer.  Uncle Mike would want balloons, sparklers, cake and lollies.......not a sad, dark, quiet day.  Yes I had my tears.  Yes my heart ached each time his name was mentioned and when the grandies blew out the candles. But for the first time in 5 months I also smiled.

Each experience is unique, my only suggestion would be to do what feels right for you, your memories and your daughter.  Gone but never forgotten, the relationship of mother to child lives on no matter what........Take Care.. Trudi

[bbarbie55]

Hey all I'm doin better but the memories still hurt alot. Our car just blew up and now we are looking for a new one. So I have something else to occupy my mind for now.

My youngest daughters birthday is the first of August so I hope to spend the day with her. She does'nt take the place of her sister but I have always been there for her more than Bobbi. She isn't married and she needs her mom once in a while. Shes all I got left and I don't want to lose her too.

So I'm going to to go now and I'll be on later thanks to you all

Deb

[daveydow1]

 

 

 

 Happy  Birthday  dear  Jessica ! ! !

[heathershope]

Bonnie.  It sounds as though you have a son you can be very proud of.  Not every parent can say the wonderful things you said about Jason.  Count that as a blessing in the unfair deal.  I am so sorry about your pain at not having granchildren, though we will never have Heathers children we do have Josh's child and she has been a blessing.  I'm sorry that is another loss you have to endure.

I understand your delimma with the wedding.  I am invited to the wedding of Heathers best friend in Sept.  She introduced them and was supposed to be in the wedding and was walking with her fiance Ian.  Now he will be walking with someone else and they are having a tribute of some kind to Heather.  I DO NOT WANT TO GO but I feel like I should.  Her friend was so good to Heather during her illness and has been good to me since she died but it will be so hard knowing Heather should be a bridesmaid walking with Ian.  I'm not sure yet what I will do.  Probably go but leave quickly???  I know everyone says if you don't want to do something then don't, but I don't want to hurt them either...its not their fault Heather isn't there, do you know what I mean.?

Trudi...you are a peach!!!  Not sure what that means but that's what I felt about your sweet gestures :-)

Kay... I am sorry at the insensitivity of your family.  It does hurt when our children are left out...of anything, but especially a prayer of remebrance.  Shame on them all.

Kathy....a happy day to Jessica and to your family.  I hope the anxiety does not over run the potential for you to "feel" Jessica. 

Thinking of you all and saying a prayer for your peace,

Terri

FYI>>>I am sure Sue will post soon but she had a beautiful sunny day for her COL, she already has pictures posted on Michells site and though I was only there briefly everything was going off without a hitch. Mostly I am glad the day was so beautiful.  it started off cloudy and looking like rain was in the forcast then...poof!  Out came the sun for a gorgeous day.

[summergirl]

Hello to all - it is now 9:12 in the evening and I have waited all day to come on to my home away from home, to talk to my extended family. First I want to tell all of you thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the Happy Birthday wishes to my Jessica - they were beautiful and heartwrenching all at the same time - my heart is lighter becuz of all of you.     Trudi my friend - what can I say - too see the picture of you standing with the balloons and card with the snow all around you is more than I could have hoped for or expected - I will always treasure the moment I saw it - you are so amazing and wise with a heart so huge - so giving and understanding and the gift you have to suprise all of us with such a beautiful tribute to all out Angels. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

We went to the cemetery after our work day was done, Barry took Tavian to pick out the balloons as we had a nice private celebration - we tied the hugh frog balloon at her site and let the rest go - Tavian was singing Happy Birthday and smiling and watching the balloon fly higher and higher. None of us cried as we could not do that to Tavian yet when we got home he was the one who broke down and let the tears come - he told me that he was happy it was mommy's birthday but sad because she will always stay the same size and not grow anymore like him!! then he said mi-mi I don't want you to go to Heaven with mommy and I told him I wouldn't but if I could change places with her I would let her come home and I would go to Heaven - well for the first time I said the totally wrong thing - he really started to sob then and told me no, I could not change places with her, he wants us both but since mommy can't come back than I have to promise not to go - I felt my heart shatter once again for not thinking before I spoke but I worked it out with him - told him sometimes mi-mi says the wrong things and didn't mean to scare him and then we played a game and he went right off to sleep. I totally deserved a forehead slap for that one but realize I am not perfect and will learn from my mistakes.     The other hard thing was I only heard from 2 people today to see how I was, one was my big sister and the other was Lj who went to the ocean and let a butterfly balloon go - hard to except that my husbands family once again did not acknowledge nor did my own parents and none of my other friends - but as we have all said life goes on for them while we continue this uphill battle - it is bad enough to face another "date" but sometimes hurts all the more for those who choose not to remember.

mamabets - love the happy birthday from you and superdan the superman - what a treasure.   The heart shinning through the clouds took my breath away - when did you take the picture - I love it.

Can't wait to hear about shell's and Eri's celebration - awaiting anxiously to hear all about them.

Veronicasmom - My heart breaks for you so much - it is so difficult to have to walk through these days waiting for "the date" to arrive - I have found that it is harder in the days leading up to then the actual date of - all of the firsts are so heartbreaking and your are in a place where you still have so much pain that it is hard to even think about anything except wanting to be with your daughter - I understand not wanting to do anything else, celebrate, go to the cemetery, send the balloons as it is what almost all of us here have faced as we walk before you yet with you on your journey. As Dee said, although it is hard to even think about it now, but there will come a time when you will smile and laugh along with the pain and sorrow. It is a never ending road we walk but it gets "softer" with time and although the pain remains ever close to your heart you will find a peace within, there is no set time and it will come to you when you are not expecting it, there will be many set backs but also many steps forward. Please lean on us and take from us what you can, post when you want, get angry, cry but know that we are all here, this circle of family that have helped so many of us get through one day at a time - I know for sure that this site has given me more than anyone or anything else and there is a reason you found us. We all care so much.

I believe it is time to start posting some more pictures of our Angels - I love to see all of them and have missed them. I took some at the cemetery today so will post them tomorrow.

Thank all of you again for brightening my day - God Bless you all - Kathy

 

[heathershope]

Dee I am getting the photos fine.  Hope yours corrects itself soon.  I could not take "losing" our kids again in any way shape or form.

Veronicas mom...Hang in there.  Birthdays are hard but the truth is all days are hard, some just worse than others.  I will be thinking of you.

Terri

[summergirl]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET DAUGHTER - you are 29 today and it seems like just yesterday that I held you for the very first time - how I miss every single thing about you. I was thinking today of what I would have bought you for your birthday but we both know I would have given you money as you loved to shop and always loved to go shop for yourself, of course I had to go to tell you whether or not what you picked out was the right thing but you always made the choice in the end no matter what I said!!! That was just your way, ask for an opinion and then do your own thing anyway. I would have bought you a gift too as I always did like your favorite perfume "Rush" which I still have in my bathroom and give myself a little spray now and then and close my eyes and it is as though you are right there with me once again. I love you my baby and miss you more than I will ever be able to say but I know that you are with your Angel friends and you are watching over us - I feel you yet cannot touch you except within my heart. My daughter, my daughter - my love, mom

This is my most favorite picture of you and Tavian taken the summer before you left us - mommy and me. 

[shellbellsmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Jessica....say Hi to my Michelle for me. 

Today is the one year anniversary of my precious Michelle getting her wings-

Yesterday turned out awesome for her Celebration.  Here is a link to some pictures "I posted to her memorial website.  http://michelle-lunn.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=13167&page_no=3

The weather was hot and humid....but no rain and a light breeze. Lots of friends and family turned out to help us celebrate her life.  We ate, had a group sing-a-long to "Piano Man", and then we paraded throughout the park with our balloons and banner.  My family surprised me and got us a memorial park bench for the park...I love it and it looks directly at her memorial tree...how cool.  Then a few poems said at her tree, more parading, and then off to the soccer field for the balloon launch.  We launched the 22 pink and 1 white first, then all the rest were let go.  Even Michelle's little dog Scruffy had a pink balloon he launched.  My husband and son launched a rocket (the Shuttle-painted orange and the same one that they and my daughter launched as young children- Michelle wanted it painted orange).  Everyone thought the rocket launch was awesome except the parachute didn't come out- probably too old but it was fine...it just landed quickly).  That was what my son wanted to share with the group.  Then after that we shared many happy memories of her.  I couldn't have asked for a better time.  I passed out twizzlers candy licorice (My daughter’s fav) and also I passed out forget-me-not seeds with a little message on them to everyone.  The only thing I planned on doing which I didn't do was the "Red Bull" toast as I couldn't talk without getting all choked up...so I just passed on it. 

Thanks to Terri (Heathers mom) for stopping by and for the wonderful "remembrance angel" gift.  I know how hard it was for you...and it meant a lot. 

Thanks to everyone for their ideas....Today I am exhausted and glad its over....a day of rest today.  We did go out for lunch at a Chinese restaurant and we were at the cemetery around the time she died last year....it was sad but it was so nice to see others also paid her a visit...many flowers were left there.

My son wrote a memorial poem for our press; Here it is...these are the first words he has shared about her in a year...(he's a 21 year old senior at MSU).

God what were you thinking,

One year ago today.

You took her from our family,

And friends along the way.

Her life was finally blooming,

Far too young to die.

Surrounded by her family,

Who refused to say goodbye.

Suffering from leukemia,

Relentless for a cure.

Her pain so unbearable,

Of this we are still sure.

God, what were you thinking,

One year ago today.

When you took our little Shell-bell,

To all of our dismay.

DEE- I hope your day was as special as mine.  Off on a mini vacation to upper Michigan for a few days...everyone have a great week.  Sue

Oh Michelle my Belle...I miss you so much...seriously! Mom

[wyomingsal]

The poem your son wrote is beautiful.  I am glad things went well for Michelle's life celebration.  Thinking of you and your family as you head into your second year with out your dear daughter.  We both tread into this next year together as my Joshua's Heaven date was yesterday July 20th.  May you experience peace and joy this year even with the pain and hurt of missing Michelle,

Sal

[mikesmum]

Sue - Visited the link.  Most definitely a brilliant day all round.  Your sons poem goes along way in reflecting his deepest thoughts about his, until now unspoken.

Thank you for sharing these memories.  Trudi

[ericasmom]

Sal and Sue, may your hearts feel the peace of your children, and may they feel a glimmer of hope as the second year begins. I know how hard you have worked to walk through this first year. When you are feeling weak, look back over the road you traveled...you will see that you are anything but weak.

Sue, I am thrilled that your day went well , it sounds beautiful. When you first started devising your ideas for the day it just was RIGHT. It all sounded exactly like your daughter. I know she blessed the day, blessed you all. Please let your Son know that his poem is a gorgeous tribute to the burning loss of his Sister. His words broke free and now perhaps, he too will begin the second year with hope as he carries Shell with him.

Trudi, Terri, I have pictures and lines now, don't know what was up, but I agree Terri, could not handle losing the photos, have grown so accustomed to seeing the kids when I tune into this site. Faces of pure delight.

Kathy, it sounds as though the day was quite pretty, like Jess. I am glad that you remember that you are not a SUPER HERO and that it is okay to make mistakes, we all make them daily. On another day, your words may not have struck Tavian as they did today. What you said was lovely, he is too literal to understand the concept is all. I love the photo you posted of Jess and Tavian.

Okay, so ERI-Fest was a hit, though many people that replied they were coming did not come, and it could be the weather. It poured from 4:00 AM until later in the day. Our party was to start at 3:00PM. JOhn, my husband, and I were putting the finishing touches on the day, figuring we would be inside for the day due to the rain...at 2:55 however, the sun came out and for the rest of the day we had clear skies. If ever my husband didn't believe...he does now. Earlier that morning, I was driving in the driving rain, out to the shop to pick up 40 pounds of Italian Beef and bread and assorted other foods. On the way home, I rolled down the windows and said, " ok, come on Erica Reith, give us some of your magic, try to help us with the weather..."After I yelled this to the gray raining sky, a song came on by Tom Petty; Runaway Train. Okay so RUNAWAY train never coming back...Eri was hit by a train. I felt like Erica was sitting in the passenger seat laughing at my face. I felt as though she was saying I am listening Mom, I am right here. Ifelt fine after that, felt like some of you said, No matter the weather, it will be perfect. It was.

At the start of the party people came down the driveway and noticed Joanthan and I wearing our ERI-FEST shirts and many said, ""oh where did you get those made, I would love that." I happily said, well I know just the place you can get one and pointed to the boxes that had them. WE had 100 made and everyone there took one home. We have about15 left over but I will send them topeople that would appreciate the shirt, like Eri's godmom in Boston.

Anyhow, I had many nieces adn nephews, and great nieces and nephews at the house, and Jonathan had many of his dearest friends. Even the young man that ERi had fallen i love with in Kalamazoo was there. Andrew lives in Texas now, but he came to this to honor Eri, and to support Jonathan and us. It felt so wonderful to see how the lives of these kids have changed as they have gotton older. Blessed is how I felt, to have the time to catch up with them, to know how dear Eri is in thier lives, and memories.

WE had a balloon launch and I got choked up and so said a lot less than I had planned but its all good. WE played Marly music and rested in Eri's love.

I stayed up until 3;30 that night/morning. I found ;that I could not sleep adn that I felt so sad when it was al over. I wept which is good, needed to release all of the sad feelings that plague me after an event. I have to put away all the large posters and tributes to Eri that were made while she lay in the hospital. It almost feels like you go to that time and live there for a few days getting ready for the party, and then you have to quell it all. I did not sleep much and we had overnight guests with us, neices and nephews, so we were up at 7:00. I had a very quiet Sunday and now looking back at the party, I feeel so glad and lifted by everyone that attended. My Son was his charming self, ready with his large hugs and crinkling eyes when he smiles, and it seemed everyone had a great time. I decorated a shoebox with pink paper and two pink felt flip-flops for the Erica Fund. I have not counted the contributions yet, I will tomorrow. Those contributions will  help kids from the school I teach, and that is sure an Eri thing to do.

Peace and sweet dreams all, I am still pooped.

Love you all,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

Glad your Eri-Fest turned out so well ......

Could you post a picture of the finished t-shirt. I remember seeing the artwork for it and it was so unique and heartfelt.

The rain going away and the song on the radio ....... she was there.

You have a whole year to rest up until your next celebration.

I thought a lot about the celebrations taking place this last weekend ..... I just wanted you to have the strength to make it through and enjoy the gatherings at the same time.

I remember at Jason's first last year, I was numb through a lot of it. Other's showed more emotion than me until we got ready to leave and then I just fell apart.

We were all there with you in spirit ..........

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Hi Bonnie,

I will try to post the finished shirt, thanks for asking. I think I have to learn how to make my photos smaller firts though.

I definitely went flat after the celebration. I guess I do each year, but this year I did for a bit longer. It's putting all the rememberances away, and believe me they are not far, just in this room where I sit now, in the closet, but bringing them out in the light of everyone else to see...well it feels so sad to put them away. My desk has a zillion photos on it, all Eri and JOnathan. I am never a moment away from many images of her, it is the sharing of them that is hard tonot have after the party.

I will talk with you later, have to go tutor,

love,

dee

[ericasmom]

This is the back of the shirt, I like the graphic.

[ericasmom]

a photo from nursery school, ERi is the child with the blue adn red dress, so little her feet were not touching the floor, just wanted to share her at age 3.

dee

[johnnysmama]

Dee

Thank you for sharing your Eri-Fest with us. Makes me feel like I was there celebrating her beautiful life, too. I think the time preparing for their memory celebrations, the setting up and the after let down all are part of the process we need to experience to make ourselves really feel them with us celebrating during that time. They have a big hand in what we experience form it. They send us signs just to make sure we know it. I love the shirt. Eri must be smiling ear to ear. I love her nursery school picture-she looks then like she was making great plans behind that smile.

 

Take care, rest and take in all Eri's love to you,

Kay

[johnnysmama]

Dear Sue

Thank you for sharing Shell's celebration. It sure was jam packed-just like her life. I looked at your pics-lots of love there. What a sweet surprise with a bench for you to reflect and visit with Shell on. These types of things are so thoughtful because they are another tangible for us that she will always be remembered. Glad it went so well and you know Shell-Bell was there smiling with you all. Your son's poem was so honest and full of his love for her and his missing of her. Thank you for including us as we have grown fond of her, too. Love the balloon from her dog.

 

Take care, rest and wrap yourself in her love,

Kay

[heartbeataway]

I love the nursery school picture of Eri! Beautiful little girl!

How do you feel about the Facebook option?

[summergirl]

Sue - the celebration for Shell-Bell sounds like it was a great success and the memorial bench is such a beautiful tribute in her honor. I love that you passed out forget-me-not seeds to all - so many things we learn on this site that inspire us. I visited the site and the pictures are beautiful and what wonderful moments to treasure. The poem your son wrote is "awesome" - it is a way of releasing the words that we cannot seem to express out loud, I am sure you are very proud of him and let him know that I think he is very special to have honored his sister in such a lovely way. Passing the first year date is hard indeed but so glad that you had family and friends to surround you and yours for that space of time.

Dee - You are correct I certainly realize I am no superhero, just get a little over the edge every now and then. I sometimes find that I forget to edit my brain before the words come out of the mouth and then it is too late, the damage is done. But Tavian is just 6 and it didn't take him long to "forget" what I said and is back to his beautiful self today. Thank God for little children.

The ERI-fest sounds like it was everything you could hope for - Eri sitting next to you and laughing and the sun coming out. I love the t-shirt back "5 years down the road" and hope you can post the front of it.  I understand the feelings you have when you talked about putting the rememberances away - stacked in a closet until the next time but the strength you have, as I see from every posting, will carry you through. I too am never a moment away from an image of Jessica - pictures everywhere and still finding room for more - I believe we need that although I have had some people tell me they think it is too much for Tavian! I guess when they have to live with him then they would know so I just let it go. Anyway, I am so happy the day was beautiful for all and that the children will benefit in many ways from the donations.  Love the picture of Eri at 3 - so adorable and reminds us of just how priceless pictures are.

Sue and Dee - you have both inspired me to plan a celebration next year, have been thinking about it for sometime but got a little scared and kept putting it off - now I see and feel the strength you have to do what you do so I am going to start planning one for Jessica for next summer. Thank you and God Bless you. Kathy

This is Tavian and I at the cemetery yesterday to celebrate Jessica's birthday - he picked out the balloons - one a huge frog and the other a beach scene so we kept those two for a little while - we attached the frog one to her site and let the others go. As I looked at the picture I realize how sad we looked and I thought we were both smiling when my husband took the picture.

[summergirl]

This is Tavian holding the frog balloon - not sure how it will come out.  Kathy

What is a facebook??

[heartbeataway]

I received this email earlier today:

The Beyond Indigo team invites you to become a fan of Beyond Indigo on FaceBook. If you are on Facebook already, great! If not, you might want to join.  This is a way we can let other grieving people know where to go find support. Find us at:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/BeyondIndigocom/22502497524.

 Take a look and see!

[mikesmomrs]

GRRRRRR!  I had a post all ready to post and "poof" it disappeared!  I haven't been caught like that for a long time, as I usually do the post in Word first, but this time, I got caught...oh, well..

I just wanted to say to Dee that I am so glad the Eri-fest went so well.  Can't wait to see pics!  Yes, of course, the sun came out, the music, etc.  Yes, as Bonnie said, Eri was there, all the way.  Right beside you.

Sue:  What a wonderful party for Shell!! The love of all those in attendance just jumps right off the page at you.  And the bench is such an awesome thing for them to do...remembering Shell in a tangible way that will be there for a long time. 

Kathy:  I am so glad that you were able to spend some time at Jessica's site...yes the pic of you and Tavian reflect sadness...how could it not?  but the love flowing between the two of you, through Jess, is unmistakable.  I love the pic, also of Tavian and Jess on the chair...I can see why it's a favorite of yours.  I think it is good that you keep pics of Jessica around...I have not been able to do that, as we were told "Buyers don't want to see "your" life in the house; they want to imagine theirs."  So, we have very few pics around...but I have plans for when we move.  Oh, there will be many, everywhere, and if people think it's "too much," then they can do their thinking elsewhere. 

Sal:  I hope you were able to bring forth some of the sweet memories of your Joshua to keep you company through the day of his angelversary.  Joshua is so cute and lively; I am sure he was with you. 

Thursday I go in for the surgery on the kidney stone...am NOT looking forward to that, but am SO thankful that that is all I am having to fight...thank you all again for all your support and prayers...there is definitely strength in numbers, and you all gave me strength to get through this. 

love and peace,

carol    mikesmomrs

 

[janebeth]

Hi all

This is my first post here.  We lost our son Joel aged 23 and 9 months to SADS in June 2005 so we are now 3 years through this awful journey.

Please have a look at his website.

With love and compassion to you all.

 

Jane

http://joel-davies.memory-of.com/about.aspx

 

 

 

 

 

[mikesmomrs]

Jane:  I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Joel.  I visited his web site, and met a wonderfully charming young man!  Thank you so much for sharing.  I did leave a message, though it didn't show up yet.   I am sorry that you have a need to be here at BI, but you have found wonderful, caring people who will always be here for you.

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[johnnysmama]

Carol

Good luck in your surgery tomorrow-we will all be there to give you strength and courage and we will be here waiting for when you are up to coming back. Take care and love ya, Kay

[johnnysmama]

Jane

I am so sorry you are in this club, too. Feel free to come and chat about Joel. We are a wonderful, loving family with our arms open to support each other, unconditionally.

Thank you for sharing your beloved Joel's site with us.

Take care, Kay

[heartbeataway]

Jane, Joels Mom.....

It was nice to meet your son. I visited the memorial site and found him to be a beautiful, interesting soul. How could you not miss him?

Welcome to the best place on earth to share your heartbreak and find solace.

We lost our 31 yr old son to ARVD or Sudden Cardiac Death in April of '07.

We continue to reel from our sudden loss. I've equated it to, he was like air to us and we're having trouble breathing now.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[briansdad]

I sure feel out of touch here any more with this stupid job.Maybe someday I'll figure out how to get by with out one  :shock:

Brian's daughter came and woke up my wife because she was afraid the other night.She said she felt someone on her.I can only figure it was her daddy giving her a hug

[ericasmom]

Hey All,

I am reading and catching up with all of your posts, Greg, I know the job thing can be ahuge drag, I hope it smooths out for you.

Bonnie, I have not yet caught up enough to know about the facebook option, I am no techno-aware person, so let me look and see if it is anything I can handle.

Kathy, I am glad that it gives you a good feeling to think of planning a celebration for next year. It works for us, a place for us to gather under the love of Erz. The fundraiser from it has earned 1500.00 toward the ERICA REITH-FUND. Isn't that amazing? I am so deeply touched by that kind of generosity. Time to write thank you notes.

Love you guys,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Dear Jane,

The tribute for your Joel is fabulous, how very wonderful to read all about him with humor and ache in your heart both. He sounds like a fun person to be around, and I know his energy is missed, not to mention all other elements of him, but it is his energy that really stands out to me.

My Son is the same age,Jonathn, just a week younger than Joel, but it is my Daughter, Erica, who died 5 years ago, hit by a train at a broken crossing in Michigan. She was alone in her car, we had spoken 30 minutes prior. That friggin phone call, and there you were so far away, I am so sorry. We were 3 hours away, seemed like forever to get there.

My heart to you Jane, please join us as we all try to find our footing.

Peace,

Dee

[janebeth]

Thank you so much for your replies and messages on Joel's site xxx  its nice to meet you all though I wish none of us needed to be here.

 

I hope to know you and your children more over the next few weeks.

 

Jane

[ericasmom]

You will get to know us Jane, don't worry about how fast you do that, we are here for the long haul. Hey, how did you hear about this site, and what have you been doing since the time that your Boy left? Have you gone to other grief sites, or have you gone to a group like Compassionate Friends? I went to therapy for several years and felt ready to leave. Then another young lady from our town, one that my kids have known for a long time, went missing in Alaska on Memorial Day weekend last year. She went to the same school that ERi and JOnathand attended, same high school, same neighborhood stuff...She drowned in a beautiful lake in Alaska and her body was recovered and brought home in July of last year, her memorial service was the day before Eri's anniversary. The whole thing just blew me away and I was not able to regain my footing very well, I was exhausted, and sad for long periods. I was not excited about starting back to school, (teach 3rd grade) or any of the things that usually find me happy. I was more nervous than usual, afraid each time I heard a siren, less able to stay asleep at night, just off. I was terrified that something would happen to someone else I love. So, I went back to therapy for a couple of months to deal with what I had suspected; post traumatic stress syndrome. It was like being back at the beginning of ERi's leaving all over again. I got the help I needed and now, at the 5 year mark last week, I feel pretty strong and as I have said to the others here, the pain has softened. I think one of the most important ways to go forward is to find a way that makes you feel you honor your child's life. Whether it is taking a walk where he loved, or reading his favoriteauthor, going to a concert of his fav musicians, starting a fund in his name or simply going out at night and wishing on a star...do something that reminds you of him and how much he would want you to move forward carrying him with you.

Love

Dee

[daveydow1]

Wyomingsal,

 My heart goes out to you in this time of dear Joshua's  Angel day--July 20th.

I pray that the love you and your family have for him, and his love for you

will help you in these times, and may his love from heaven shine down on

you all.  Peace & serenity to you.

                             Daveysmom,  Sherry

[daveydow1]

Jane,

I visited Joel's memorial site, and can easily see how he would just

brighten up any room or place he came to. His smile is very charming,

and his love of books and hats-----so endearing. I am so very sorry for

your loss. My son, Dave, was killed in June 2003 on the highway. An

80,000 lb. semi with the driver sleeping at the wheel  ran over his

car stopped in traffic.  Beyond Indigo has been a lifeline for me, and I

have been here quite awhile. Everyone understands and feels your pain

here. I hope you will come back and read/post when you feel like it.  Some

of us take breaks from BI now & then, but when we come back, we are

always greeted with friendship and understanding.

Peace be with you always.

                             Daveysmom,  Sherry  

[heartbeataway]

Wyomingsal,

I don't know why but I ended up on the teenage site today.  The video of the balloon tribute was so nice and what a great tribute to your Josh.

It had to be hard to go back to the place where it happened. The poem was almost hard to read.  You had a great day with your little man and then ......

Blessings to you and thanks so much for sharing!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Carol,

May surgery be quick and your recovery quick as well. Please do as the Docs say, off the feet for however long, a bland diet maybe...whatever it is, we all want you feeling strong and healthy again. My thoughts are with you,

love,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Greg,

Excuses, excuses.  What does the job have to do with it ..... or, are you going to bed with the chickens these days? 

We miss you!

Yes, I bet Brian gives that sweet baby a hug more often than you know.

Take good care,

JasonH'sMom,Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Jane - Sorry to hear of the loss of your son Joel.  Even sadder to hear his brother Jack found him.  SADS really doesn't answer the questions of why.

You have however, found a place that gives so much to so many each day on this journey.  Through our children we have formed a unique support rarely found elsewhere.  Please come as often as you like, read when you can and post as you need. 

Mike was 31.  Its been 20 months and I am still here. 

Carol - Hope the surgery goes well.  If there is a scar may in not hinder the bikini!

Sal - Saw the pics on Loss of a Teenager - who is that young person with the red hair?  It really was a beautiful day.

Kathy - Yep, you look sad.  Even though you think you are smiling when they aim the camera, smiles seem to elude us sometimes.  Love the frog balloon. 

Greg - Most certainly Brian is around his baby girl each day.  A hug would be too hard to resist.  Only wish I could see Mikes baby Harmony.  Love to know if she feels 'butterfly kisses" like she did when her dad was here.  She would giggle so much and try so hard to return them....priceless memories...

Take Care - Trudi

[wyomingsal]

Jane,

I too am so sad to hear about Joel.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed at the number of us who have lost a child.  I don't think people realize how many of us there are.   My son Joshua died last summer in a swimming accident.

Thank you to everyone who looked at my balloon release video on my blog.  

www.heyerhaven.blogspot.com

  The red heads (I was blessed with three of them) are my living children.  Joshua was my only one without the red hair. It is funny because neither my husband nor myself have red hair. 

When I think about the magnitude of the loss of just one person it still amazes me.  One child embodies so much love and sillness and fun and personality and uniqueness.  The essence of each child is so special and unique.  I miss my "little" boy.  And I hurt with each of you who ache to the depths of your soul with missing your children.  Peace and blessings upon you this week,

Sal

[summergirl]

Jane - so glad to hear from you but sorry that it is from the loss of a child as all of us here endure. I visited Joel's site - quite an amazing young man - the love of hats - same as my daughter Jessica, she loved hats and shoes!! Our Jessica passed away of ARVD on February 18, 2006 - seems like today. I hope you continue to post with all of us here, you will never find a place like this one - it has saved my sanity many times over and given me strength I did not know I had. God Bless you.

Dee - thank you, I am very excited about beginning plan for the Jessica Celebtation for next year and will definitely be asking questions and thoughts from you. What an amazing amount of money for the children - you are a special woman who has a very special daughter - a shinning star among many.

Yes - we both look sad in the picture but you are right - the love between Tavian and I is there - all you have to do is look to see it.

I am sure all know about the "Pennies from Heaven" - I have been finding them all the time and sometimes in the strangest places - ever since Jessica left us I have been searching for one with her birth year on it - 1979 - do not ask me why as I have no idea but for some reason it has been something I have kept hoping for but it has not happened until tonight! Tavian and I went to my friend Lj's house for a play date and took the kids to a little restaurant called Cherry Stones, we sat outside and as we were talking Tavian picked a penny up off of the ground and without looking at it he handed it to me and said "this is for you mi-mi" - I turned it over and there it was - 1979 - the tears remained inside of me and all I could do was hug him and told him it was the most special penny I ever received. Am I crazy? It means so much to me, as though Jessica sent it to me for some reason - I am over joyed by something so small as a penny. Anyway, I needed to share that with all of you - thanks.

Tired and feeling a bittersweet happiness so am going to bed.

Greg - we miss you around here!!!!

Peace to all - Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy:  of course it was from Jessica...straight from her to you, through Tavian.  What a wonderful thing to happen, I know how special it is to you.  There was only one reason you were at that particular restaurant, at that table, etc.,---because you were supposed to be there to receive that penny.    That is just like the night we were at the restaurant with Mike's two boys, talking about the pennies we'd found with 1975 on them, and a few minutes later, Chandler caught sight of a penny on the floor beside him---yep, 1975!  I think their eyes are still bugged out over that one!  The ones with their birth year on them are true gifts...reminders, heart healers.  Your Jess wants you to know that she is there, always. 

I need to get to bed, a 6 AM (YIKES!) show time for me tomorrow at the hospital.  My 10 year old grandson, Kameron, (Mike's middle boy) called me tonight, just to see how I was.  At the end of the call, he said "well, I love you, Nana, and good luck with that" (referring to the procedure tomorrow).  I just thought it was so sweet of him to think of that...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs