Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

Teri - A beautiful pic, a treasured memory. Another amazing young person with such strength and insight.

Dee -  have to agree - you truly are a positive calming voice/influence on this journey.  I know I have also thought that to give up the pain might mean I have given up Mike in some way.....yet the pain is something I can't seem to 'give away'. 

I am slowly learning that the 'pain of loss' can co-exist without consuming all. 

Kathy - Tavian certainly is the young man. Brilliant pics, really want that Lobster!  Sorry to here you are being challenged at work.  Part I guess of the rest of the world moving forward while in someways yours stands still.  Breathe my friend, draw some of the sun in and exhale.......Take Care Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

Thank you all so very much for your good wishes, and your sweet replies to my good news.  I have been "lying low" all day, resting, if you can believe that!  After a week in the hospital one would think that would be the last thing needed.  LOL

I am so proud and blessed to be part of such a loving, caring group of people, who always are ready to open their hearts to each other as a lifeline on this journey that will forever be part of our lives.  Each of us has our own unique way of contributing, and it all makes up a foundation for a bridge of support.  This connection has helped me so many times to "survive," to "make it" to another day.  Thank you all, so much, and bless you.  I do hope that over the posts, I've been able to keep someone else afloat when they were drifting or sinking, and if I have, that is my blessing, also. 

One of the wonderful aspects of this group is that we are not only ready to be there to provide support, but to also honestly and earnestly receive each other's news and be joyful for when one of us is sharing something good to share, be it sweet memories of our precious child, or a sweet triumph on this journey, large or small.  Sharing the joy in sweet Tavian's delight over his lobster claw brings joy to each of us, the precious innocence of his pleasure spreading to our hearts, and sharing the good news of a minor or major hurdle in our personal life brings joy to each of us...we support each other, but we also celebrate each other.    It's been said here many times before, and I truly believe it, that our wonderful children have all led us here, to be together, as they must now be.  They knew that we would connect to not only meet each other's need for support in our sorrow, but also to share each other's joys...large or small, old or new.

Thank you all, so, so much.   love and peace

carol  mikesmomrs

PS:  Does anyone know how to edit an avatar?  I have done it before, and tried it the same way, and the page says "avatar updated" but nothing changes when I post....??

[mikesmomrs]

re my PS:  as you can see, I have FINALLY managed to change the Avatar...don't know what I did differently from what I've done before, but this tme it worked! 

love and peace,  carol   mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

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Hey guys!

I have had, "one hell of a day" ...... I'm not going to expand on that but I'm so glad I logged into tonight!

Carol - You are blessed! I can't tell you how many times you've crossed my mind. My husband even said, "good news" when I told him it wasn't cancer. He often ask about what's happening on my "blog".

Terri,

Heather's beautiful! She does look like she's having a good time in the picture.

Geri,

Please let us know how your ultrasound goes...... prayers and strength to you.

Is there an angel that blogs with us who is known as Dee? Your words are absolutely angelic at times. " sleep like toddlers after a day at the beach"

Blessings to you dear lady for all the comfort and encouragement you offer day after day ........

Kathy - what a handsome young man you have on your hands. Thank you so much for sharing the pictures. I'm really craving a trip to the beach!

How lucky I am to have you guys just a click away. My day doesn't seem nearly so bad right now ........ Thanks!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[summergirl]

Carol - I am so happy for you and your family - what can I say except "NO CANCER"! Our Angels are truely watching over us. God Bless you.

Dee - Thank you so much for your words of wisdom once again. It has inspired me to look at it from a different point of view - maybe I do need all my reserve strength to do what I do each day for Tavian - giving him all the love, support and comfort that I can while dealing with the loss of my girl - sometimes it is as though I go around in circles and what you said is true - I tell myself "not today, not now, I am to weary" - I cannot think of you right now Jessica" - it is as though I cannot let her slip into my mind and heart while taking care of Tavian lest I fall completely apart and end up in a looney bin somewhere babbeling!!!! I know that what I do alot of other people do also, I just don't know them - I have all of you to keep me going, to let myself talk freely of the circumstances of my life and your replies always give me the uplift I need to pick myself up and move on. I hope you are right and this all leads me to a "new phase" in my life. Part of this is Jessica's birthday coming on the 21st - she would be 29 and I am so angry/sad/disappointed/heartbroken to have to face another "date" without her - yet at the same time I need to get it together as her friends all want to meet at the cemetery and celebrate her birthday with cake and balloons - can I do this I ask myself and the answer is once again yes. Thank you again Dee for your words and also for letting me know that Tavian is such a beautiful boy because he is.

Terri - yes, my boss can be a witch but it depends on what day it is  she is quite something as she is 79 years old and runs the entire Human Services department!! I have to give her credit for that but she needs to retire as she has begun to slip in many ways and many have noticed it - I try hard not to get to upset but when it comes to Tavian and what I need to do then I get angry that people do not understand - but you cannot expect those who are not in our shoes to understand - nevertheless it does hurt and you never quite feel the same way about the person again.     Your Heather was an amazing young lady - to continue the party although she was exhausted shows what a huge heart she had - I do not mean this to hurt you or cause you pain but do you think she knew that it would be her last "hooray"? If she did she was extremely brave and loving to endure the pain and exhaustion to make family and friends so happy - God Bless you my friend.

Kay - thank you - yes Tavian is beautiful but believe me he has his moments when I am sure I should lock myself in the bathroom and count to 20 so I can come back out and deal with his "meltdown" - very hard to get angry with him - but I have come to understand the I need to do what I must in order for him to understand the difference between right and wrong and when I say no it means no (well most of the time!!) I pick and choose my battles with him depending on the circumstances.

Trudi - would love to share some lobster with you any time - the restaurant we go to is on the water and the dining area is on a balcony overlooking the water and we get to watch the beautiful sunsets - it is our favorite place and only open in the summer time - I will meet you there and anyone else who would like to join us and we will chow down on lobster and have a tall, cool summer drink!!

I have taken up enough space tonight so I will say good night to all and thank you for being there for me when I need you which is most of the time - with love Kathy

Here is a picture of Tavian with his friends Ella and Nick in the camper - so cute.  

[summergirl]

OK - one more and then I really am going into my bedroom - it is about 85 degrees out and very humid so the air conditioning is sounding good!!

This is Tavian with one of his "older girlfriends" Katie - they went kyacking while we were camping - he loves it so now I suppose we have to invest in a kyack!!

[mikesmomrs]

Yes, Kathy, from the look on his face, there is definitely a kayak in your future!!  So cute!  I wish I could join you on that deck for lobster and a tall, cool drink!  Lobster is one of my favorites.  My daughter brought a lobster roll to me my first night in the hospital---it was so yummy. 

 Geri:  I've emailed you, but also want to wish you well in your ultrasound...you have climbed so many mountains, I pray this one will be a climb with peace of mind at the end of it. 

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, I am thrilled to read that you do not have cancer, how wonderful. It is a miracle isn't it, that that old stone brought you in to make sure of all of your other issues. The heart needs you to rest my friend, and now you will heal all the parts that need healing. Oh I am looking out at the almost full moon and saying Thank You for the good news.

Kay, thanks for your words. Yes it is scary to let go of some of that hurt, the reliving of the pain filled days, but it is normal too. We have given up so much, never wanting to, how could we give these memories up too? We don't really, we give up the daily rerunning of them so as to make room for the good stuff. The sad memories are there, they are part of our lives just as the good are, but making more room for the good really made a difference for me. There are so many layers in this process, so be patient with yourself, this is still pretty early on in your experience and time will also assist you as you go along.

Bonnie, I loved your large print expressing your crappy day, though I am sorry it was not a fine day instead. I sure hope tomorrow is much better and that the full moon doesn't mess with you, I am looking at it now and I will have a word with her to let her know that we all need a respite from crap. I am thinkin of you and wishing for beter days.

Kathy, you are an insightful woman, you are sheilding yourself a bit as you head into another birthday...and birthdays can blindside us. They are beautiful days, the date of such splendor, and yet they are filled with all the what ifs, the if onlys...Yikes, Jess will be glad to see you gather with her buddies, and I know she is proud of the way you are raising Tavian. (love the photos of him).

Terri, your girl is absolutely lovely, she had a great day that last day of feeling good. I am amazed by her strength of character, having a gathering to celebrate life, she is a very brave young lady, very lovely. I know you are proud of her...do you know she is proud of you?

Looks like many of us will have gatherings this weekend, ERI-FEST is on the 19th, Shelly's celebration is on the 20th, and Jessica's birthday is the 21st.

Our babies are always with us, and eventually we get used to our hearts sharing the joy nestled right next to the ache. For these are what we carry, and we carry them wherever we are.

Love and good dreams,

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

I've been away from the boards for a good many weeks and doubt I will read back too far to catch up this time, BUT, I wanted to say that in finding out through the good news that there may have been a potential greater problem, I am relieved Carol to know that you do not have cancer.  I am thankful for the good report. 

I also want to wish EVERYONE that is part of ERI-FEST and beautiful time of cherishing memories and creating new ones.

Blessings to ALL!  ~Claudia

[mikesmomrs]

Claudia, Bonnie, Kay, and all of those I have not thanked yet,  thank you all so much for your good wishes.  Your concern and joy over my good news stays in my heart. 

Dee:  I noticed the time of your post.  I was trying to get my yard watered last night, as it got somewhat brown while I was in the hospital and we have to show the house on Saturday...brown grass is NOT a good first impression.  (I know it isn't necessarily good to water that late at night, but I had no choice.)

Anyway, my point is that at 1:30, I was also out looking at the moon, as I was making my way back into the house after yet another relocation of the hose...I noticed the intense brightness of the moon, peeking through the trees, brighter, I think than I've ever seen it when it is so high, and just had to stand there and drink it in...truly beautiful.  I told a friend of mine this morning that when I almost pass by something so simple and yet so beautiful, I believe it is Mike stopping me in my tracks and saying "Look, mom, just look, and just be."  He was a great one for stopping and smelling the flowers, even in the midst of chaos.   So you and I, though miles apart,  both shared that beautiful moon at the same time...  

thank you for your sweet words... as others have said, you have such a wonderful way of stringing words together to flow into a beautifully comforting thought... "...eventually we get used to our hearts sharing the joy nestled right next to the ache."  I see this happening in my own heart, slowly, very slowly, and I pray that it will eventually always be the way my heart lives with my memories.   I, too have feared at times that if I let go of my pain, I will let go of my memories of Mike...thank you for your encouragement that our hearts will work this out for us.   

to all of those with dates coming up in the next couple of days...Eri on Saturday, Shelly on sunday, and Jessica on Monday, you are in my thoughts and prayers. 

love and peace,  carol   mikesmomrs

[4everjoeysmom]

It was 3:30 this morning, for me, when I woke to the brightness of the moon shining into my bedroom window as if it were early dawn.  I got up to look outside and I could see everything.  Usually it is so dark here at night, even with a moon, because I am in a valley of mountains, kind of in the middle of nowhere.  But this wee early morning I could see across the mountain range.  It was awesome!!

Two weeks from today will be Joey's 2-year date.  So far I am doing well, not having those same overwhelming feelings of sadness that I had last year.  Perhaps it has been that I have been very busy and am still recovering my rest.  Or maybe my spirit has grown over the past year and found a place of more peace and balance between life then with Joey and life now with memories and Hope in knowing one day I will see him again.  Whatever the reason I am more calm and at peace, I'll take it and hope that I can hold onto it for a while....

[mikesmomrs]

Claudia, my friend, you will be in my thoughts and prayers as you approach this day that will always be etched in your heart.  Yes, as time goes by, I think we have grown in spirit and have begun to balance those memories of life "before" with our life "after."  There are still those dark days that lurk within to come out and grab hold of us when we least expect it, but our sweet memories grow stronger in joy and help to balance the pain.  As well, I think our belief that our precious child has reached the place of love and glory that we all await becomes more a part of our everyday thinking and thus more able to comfort us.  I am still 3 months from Mike's second angelversary, and I do think that more has happened emotionally this second year than the first.  Likely we are still numb that first year...

Take care, and know that I think of you often.

love and peace, carol   mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

I pray to the moon all the time fellow moon-babies. There is a great book called MOONBABIES, it is for kids with illustrations beyond beautiful. One of my favorite songs is called MOON Shadow by Cat STevens, remember, I'm being followed by a moon shadow...moon shadow-moon shadow...a leaping and hoping on a moon shadow...

Carol, my midnight gardener, I think the garden will respond in kind, sometimes it just is what the garden needs, to be loved and kept company by its nurturer. Thanks carol, stringing words is what I love doing and so my thanks to your lovely compliment. I do feel that my grief has a home in my heart, like a nest that we cannot live in, but certainly had to build. It has a life, this grief and it belongs next to and intermingled with our joy. The yin and yang of our lives. I am glad that you are feeling the ability to let some of the hurt go...it will allow more space for the grand.

Claudia, so good to see your Joey's face here, I have missed you, are you traveling or simply needing time to do some other things? I am happy that right now you have a measure of peacefulness, and I shall pray for that to build and grow.

Thanks everyone for wishing our day on Saturday to be filled with love and joy. I pray it does not storm because the yard is beautiful and my husband has worked very hard to make it lovely. Eri is smiling at all of our work, knowing that it is done in her honor, bringing together 100 or so people to share our lives and our hearts because of her.

Peace out,

Dee

[daveydow1]

Terri,

Heather does indeed look as though she is enjoying all the merrymaking

at her party. She is a lovely girl, and I know how proud of her you are.

May her lovely smile look down on you from heaven each day.

 

Carol,

So glad to hear that you do not have cancer. Bless you !

 

                          Daveysmom,   Sherry

[daveydow1]

Dee,

I do indeed remember the song by Cat Stevens. It was one of my

favorites.  I too went out & looked at the full moon last night. I love

the moon in any of its phases.  If we look for them, we are always

blessed with "signs" from our dear children from heaven. Each of

us in our own special ways.  I love crows. Almost every time I visit

Davey's & Lisa's gravesites, the crows come around from the nearby

woods. There is an Indian legend that is something like this-----The

crow is the spirit of a deceased loved one coming to visit.  This may

not be exactly the wording, of course, but that's the gist of it. 

Peace to all here at BI.

                               Daveysmom,   Sherry  

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, I've been working round the clock, here on-site, with short-term missions teams.  Summertime is typically the busy season, as kids and parents have breaks and vacations most during these months.  It's been amazing.  We had a team come and build water filtration systems and install them in homes that otherwise have no clean water source.  Another team provided a 2-day dental clinic for primary school-aged children, offering cleanings and fillings to kids who 98% of them have never seen a dentist.  Amother team brought dramas and music to area schools and provided a remote school with updated supplies.  It's always fun and energizing to have a bunch of "gringos" around.  It's also very uplifting to help others in need.  It's true that serving others helps to heal the brokenhearted.  I'm just glad to finally feel spiritually rejeuvenated and out of the funk I had been in for so long.  The rains have calmed here, and that certainly helps too.

Thinking of you....

Carol, thanks for such warm and loving kindness, as always!  ~Claudia

[summergirl]

Carol - you can certainly join in on the lobster and tall, cool drink on the deck - you may not be there in person but you can be there in your mind along with anyone else who would like to join - we shall pick a date and time and we will be set. Yes - a kayak is the new thing but think I will wait till next year.

Dee - ME inspirational?? thank you so much although I have a hard time believing I can be inspirational as I am always inspired by those here - those who speak with a language that I do not seem to have - the words are in my head yet sometimes feel so inadequate as I write them. Yes, I will celebrate as I gather with Jessica's friends and I know that Jessica will be watching and smiling. I just know that you are going to have a beautiful sunny day for the ERI-fest and I will be thinking of you all through the day - making wonderful memories.  

Today was the day for me to finally break down,  tears fell as they haven't for quite some time - I went to the cemetery on my lunch break to bring fresh flowers to Jessica and spend a moment with her - when I got there I noticed that a wind chime made of flowers and butterflies that I had bought a few months ago was missing - my heart seemed to stop as I began to frantically search for it, I found it in pieces scattered around her grave site - just at that moment the caretaker stopped by and asked me what was wrong and I told him about the wind chime - he said "oh well, I must have hit it with the weedwacker, these things happen" and he walked away!!! I was in such shock at the indifference in which he spoke of the windchime that I took the chime and got in my car and went back to work. When I got home and got Tavian settled I went outside and spread it out on the table and just stared at it and the next thing I knew I was on my knees, the tears fell like a torrential rain and I could not stop - my husband held me and I let it all go. It took some time to get it out but now that I have I feel like the calm after the storm. I am trying to forgive that man for the words he spoke to me but right now I do not want to. I know that it is just a "material thing" but it was so very precious to me and to have it thrown away as it was was like having another piece of my shattered heart break all over again. I will buy another one if I can find one and replace it and hope for the best.   I also have had the fear of "if I let go of the pain I am forgetting", I know that is not true and I am slowly working on it - today, as painful as it was, was a start.

Tired tonight so I will say good night - the stars are shining and a beautiful moon - I remember the song also by Cat Stevens - good memory. Take care all and my thoughts are with all who are facing another "date" - we will keep each other strong. God Bless you all, Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy, I am so very sorry you had to be assaulted with the site of your precious Jessica's windchime shattered, and especially the indifference of the man from the cemetary...I truly felt your pain in your description.   I wish so many of these types of things didn't happen...and I send you love and hugs to comfort you.

we put a solar light next to Mike's marker a couple of weeks ago, and I fear taht likely it will be gone some day.  I told my husband that the pain of not putting it there would likely outweigh the pain of putting it there and having it stolen...Should it happen, I hope I am as prepared as I sound...

love and peace, Carol   mikesmomrs

[daveydow1]

Kathy,

So sorry about Jessica's windchime getting broken. The caretaker was

just rude. He probably looks on all of it (cemetery care) just as a job

and nothing more.  My husband had put  nice planted pots on his

parents and sister's grave Memorial Day. Without warning, ALL flowers

and arrangements were removed throughout the entire cemetery 5 wks.

later. He was very disgusted,  and intends to call and find out

about it.  The wind chimes meant so much to you because they were

a tribute to your dear Jessica, and you no doubt spent some time finding

that one special windchime. Yes, you are right---the tears will come

streaming down in an incident like this.  Take care, and Peace be with you.

                   Daveysmom,   Sherry

[heartbeataway]

At the cemetery where my mother-in-law is buried. They have posted times that flowers, etc are removed. It's basically seasonal.

I wonder if the worker at the cemetery might have wanted you to know what happened but didn't mean to hurt you by telling you. Perhaps he thought it would be better for you to know it had been an accident when he was grooming the gravesite area and not a deliberate desecration of the grave.

Just a thought .....

I have a friend in Virginia who has had a concrete bench taken from her daughter's gravesite on more than one occasion. There are dark people out there who have no problem taking what they want when no one's looking.

We hung wind chimes in a tree where Jason's ashes are spread. They disappeared.

So, we bought bigger chimes, signed them with permanent markers and hung it in a higher tree with a secure clasp that would take metal cutters to remove.

Not sure if they are still there or not .......

Makes no sense ..........

[ericasmom]

Claudia, I am so happy that you are feeling your heart strengthen from helping  others. The kids you are assisting must feel so very cared for to receive, some of them for the first time, the things we take for granted. How very wonderful and I thank you for doing the work of Earth Angels. I know Joe must be smiling that wonderful smile on you, thanking you for being a good human.

I have been so angered adn saddened by the taking of my cemetery pieces. Everything that I have put next to or on Eri's grave, has disagppeared. When I asked in the office about it, a woman said she was so sorry but it is a public place and unfortunately, things get taken. She was sweet enough, but it bothers me no end because the neighboring graves have all the decorations and tributes that they have always had. Anyhow, at first I laughed it off saying that Eri hated that stuff, but now I just am upset by it. My fear too is, that my Father is taking it. He does not live far from the cemetery. He is not a good person, an abuser and when Eri was born the story of abuse came out...I could not abide by children being near him, so I was diswoned by both parents. I did not allow my Dad at the funeral, and my Mom died the summer prior. So I wonder if the sick creep takes her things? Oh well, nothing I can do about it, and now look at it as temporary art, a gesture, a tribute that is permanently in my heart even when it is taken from the grave.

Our hearts have been broken but they do beat, and so in the rhythm of our hearts we do our best to make the world sweeter.

Peace All,

Dee

PS though we need rain, please do clear sky dances for tomorrow in the chicagoland area, so that our ERI-Fest can be outdoors.

thanks

[shellbellsmom]

Oh Dee...its is early Saturday morning and I just checked the weather radar for Lake Forrest, IL for your ERI-fest, and see all the rain/storms in your area right now.  But i's early and as for mine (tommorow) they aren't predicting an all day gusher...just off and on showers.  I hope...PRAY, that you have a huge window of sun-shine for your celebration of Erica (and for ours too).  Thanks also for stopping by my daughters memory site and signing the guestbook...and as always for your kind words.

I'm been busy shopping, cooking, and finishing scrapbooks so haven't been on much, but Carol- wonderful news...WOO HOO, about not having the big C. 

For Kathy and anyone else who has items missing from the cemetery...there should be a law against this...I am so lucky nothing but Mother Nature has taken anything from Michelle's gravesite.  My husband goes over everyday we do not get rain to water her Gerber daisies...and water the grass he is trying to grow.  Each time he brings this old watering can with him for his trips up and down the hill.  A few days ago we couldn't find the can...and we searched everywhere at home and her cemetery when he decided he probably forgot it at her site and the wind took it somewhere.  (He says his mind doesn't work well when he’s there) so he bought a new one. When he went back the next day the watering can was sitting next to her gravesite...but the night before it wasn't.  So now he had two cans...as he was going back up the hill he noticed this older lady (who also comes daily) who must water 20-25 sites possibly from her church/ or family and she takes many trips with one small watering can...so when he left he gave the old one to her...so she would make less trips.  I know I would be devastated if something went missing...and I am especially happy some angel brought our old can back so we could give it to someone else.

Terri, hope Josh's thing is nothing big...and hope to see you tommorow if possible.

Tomorrow is my Celebration of Michelle and yes rain is in the forecast, as is humidly (which I hate) but my family has started to arrive and last minute details must be done so no time to worry about the what if’s.  Very hard week...tons of tears shed, but I hope for better days in the future.

Take Care everyone   and have a wonderful weekend.  Sue (Shell Bells Mom)

[ericasmom]

Sue, may you have clear skies tomorrow, and may Shells sprit shine brightly as she leads you to her tree. Have a fabulous day,and let the tears flow when they need to. Right now it is raining steadily, in five years, we have never had a rainy Eri-Fest day. I so hope that it clears later on for at-least a few hours, my neighbors lend their furniture for our yard, and the garden looks so pretty for the gathering...come on nature, give us a nice break this afternoon please, we start at 3:00.

Prayers are appreciated. Oh, and Michael, Jonathan and ERi's  dad may get out of the hospital today, 5 weeks in for his AML. Prayers needed.

dee in peace (and in agitation with the rain)

[heartbeataway]

What an exciting weekend! ERI's-fest and ShellsBell day .......

don't give the weather a never mind. It will be what it will be and that will be perfect!

At Jason's first celebration last October. It was raining. His friends torched the wood and got the bonfire going and we put up a tarp between the trees. We were all a mess. Rain and dampness does nothing for your hair and makeup!

It didn't matter! We made the best of it. There was a slight drizzle when we set off the fireworks. It wasn't a huge display. One huge one that lasted a couple of minutes and then a few smaller ones.

We had chili for dinner so we didn't have to worry about getting a grill going.

The next morning, it was damp and still spitting a little from the sky but then that gorgeous sun came peeking around the clouds just in time for our caravan to the Pinnacle.

So, I wish you a sun peeking through the clouds just in time for your oh so important celebrations of life ....... we're there in spirit celebrating with you.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[heathershope]

Kathy...Heather absolutely knew this was it. She planned it for that reason.  She said she didn't want the next time everyone got together to be her funeral she wanted to have them all together "to celebrate life" with her before that happened.  She wanted them to remember her happy, as many of the people did never see her after this night until the memorial.   She was very aware, in fact insisted it had to be in March because April would be too late and in fact in April she was well into her decline and would not have even been able to attend.  Heather was a very old and wise soul and while she kept enough hope alive in her self to keep the rest of us going I think she knew exactly what was heppening within her own body and she eased us into her passing.  You did not hurt my feelings at all...you simply recognized an evident truth about Heather and her spirit.  Thank you.

Terri

[heathershope]

Dee..Happy ERI-FEST day.  I hope it is filled with peace joy and ERI's presence in an undeniable fashion.  As for Michelles day tomorrow, I will be there for Sue, our girls died 3 months apart and never knew each other yet it seems now through Sue and I that they are buddies and have brought us together for a reason.

These days while good on the one hand are very painful on the other.  As hard as you try not think only of the very importnat missing person who is not there even though this day is in their honor you can't help but notice the giant missing piece in the gathering.  I believe they are there we just don't see them, but I have no doubt in my mind, at least in Heathers case...she would never miss a party.

Claudia.... I hope to find your peace and calm in the coming months ahead.  I am 14 months in and pray that I will start tofeel the peace andremember the good memories more than the bad.  thatnk you for your encouraging words.

For everyone...I just want to share that last night, though my anxiety level has been so high lately I barely want to leave the house, I took my granddaughter MAdalyn to the fair.  This particular fair I had been to with Heather when she was 16 and that was the last time I had gone...after that she was too cool for me and always went with her friends.  I was very anxious about being there again but watching the pure delight in Madalyns face as she played with the animals in the petting zoo, and road the kids rides and the camel...was the best medicine in the world.  I just knew if Heather were alive this is exactly where she would have been with Maalyn doing exactly what I was doing.  Then Madalyn went up to the Puma cage and it was very ferocious looking and she stood there a minute, turned and grinned at me and said "kitty, kitty".  This was Heather. She would bark back at dogs barking at her through fences when she was 2 and 3 years old. She had no fear and now here was Madalyn grinning at this growling puma calling it Kitty oblivious to dangerous apect of it.  Life is bittersweet for sure.  Heather would have cracked up at her, but I know in my heart that she was there and she was laughing with me.

Have a good day...Terri 

[4everjoeysmom]

Terri, that will be my prayer for you--That you will find the kind of peace that I have in months to come and beyond...  I'm not saying there will never be bumps in my road.  I couldn't possibly begin to know what lies ahead on this journey.  But I do feel a sense of "coming into life" in a way that I just can't describe.  It's supernatural, I believe!!

And to All who are approaching or perhaps just passing through difficult dates and reminders, my heart and prayers, ~Claudia

[daveydow1]

Dee,

I pray that your Eri-fest went well today. With all her friends and relatives

there, along with your family, Eri will surely be looking down and smiling,

and saying  WOW !   Sorry to hear that things keep disappearing from Eri's

gravesite. It is strange that these things are removed, yet the other graves

seem to be left alone.  I think you have the right attitude, although it is a

heartbreaking thing, I know.  Yes, anything you put on the gravesite is a

tribute, with the highest of love,  held in your heart. No one can steal that

away from you or Eri.  Anyone who goes into a cemetery for no reason other

than to steal or destroy things on the graves, has a sick mind, I believe.

Let us know how the Eri-fest went so we here can share in your sunshine.

Peace be with you always.

                                        Daveysmom, Sherry  

  

[mikesmum]

Dee & Terri - Its Sunday 20th, Morning here with heavy rain and the sky is grey and low.  I hope your Erifest and COL come together with sweet memories in such a way that the weather doesn't even rate a mention.

To all who have lost the tributes left at the resting places of our loved ones.....it truly is another example of 'they just don't get it' syndrome.  For those who have lost, it is devestating to have something we place with love in honour of our children stolen or destroyed.  To them its a treasure found or just something that got in the way of the everyday management of the grounds.

Bonnie, just like you we placed windchimes high in a tree overlooking a river.  It was a place that held childhood memories for Mike and later for his daughter.  Each time we put them up they went. 

Kathy - Snow it is! Tomorrow is 21st.  We will be sending a message balloon out to Jess for her birthday.  I am also sending message balloons to the Mike's, Jasons, Ericas, Michelles, Brians and the others who together with my Mike have bought us together......Take Care.....

 

[heartbeataway]

Rich and I went out for dinner tonight. At one point, I guess I was quiet and he asked me what I was thinking about.

The lady sitting behind me was telling a story about her grandson ........

something I will never do.

We ended up talking about how much our life has changed since he left us. And how few people understand ........ or "get it".

We feel fortunate in many ways, Jason didn't suffer, we were close and left nothing unsaid or unfelt. We had him for 31 years. He was as close to perfect as a son in our eyes as he could be ........ he wasn't of course. But, he never did anything to hurt someone else and he believed in karma and the "golden rule". He had a big heart and he wasn't ashamed to tell his Mom and Dad that he loved them.

We are invited to a nephews wedding August 2nd. It will be our first family gathering since Jason's memorial. Jason's wedding should have been the last family gathering, not his funeral.

I'm having a hard time mustering the courage to do this........ I know it's family and I should want to be there. Jason would be one of his groomsmen. They will display a picture of him instead........ how sad is that?

Would it be bad if I didn't go??

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - Losing Jason, a child you waited for and wanted so much makes it hard. To have no ?reason for him to be taken even harder. I read many posts and in many ways am thankful that I had Mike for as long as I did.  While I am still not able to have contact with his daughter, Harmony is still here.

Its really hard to 'assimilate' for want of better words, into the world where others  lives have continued.  The weddings, birthdays, trips and celebrations continue all around - yet it seems for us we are suspended in time marked by our childs last heartbeat. 

Follow you heart.  If Jason was to have been part of the wedding party perhaps you could attend as his earthly rep.  But remember, people will not have the same emotional connection to the day that you and your husband will.........

This journey certainly eases over time, yet every now and then we get hit for a six!  When I find myself in a similar situation, I ask what would Mike want if he was here?  Not always the answer, but definitely a good starting point. 

Be kind to yourself......Trudi

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, I don't think it's "bad" to not go to certain events because they're too difficult to manage emotionally during a period n your life when just living on is difficult enough with every-day reminders.  It's a personal choice, and you are the one that has to be at peace in the long run with whatever you decide.  Trudi is right--celebrations and life in general goes on all around us, and it really is up to us when and if the time is right to actually join in "the living" again.  Certainly we can go on, but going on in life and truly living it is two different things.  While we mourn, it's difficult to take up living.  In long-term grieving, it's a process of learning new coping skills to emotionally be able to handle the steps that carry us to living again.  While that's a difficult journey in itself, as is grief with this kind of loss, it is a personal decision that we have to make at every crossroads we come to in life, such as your family member's wedding and other special events that will come up from time to time.  At each point you will be faced with the same choice, to engage or not to engage.  For each of us, engaging happens when we feel up to it or ready to face the challenge of the new meaning of living that our lives now encompass.  You shouldn't feel like you are bad if you are not ready at this crossroads.  There will always come another, and with it another opportunity to choose...

I was talking with my son Patrick today about when he will get married.  He is serving as part of the groom's party in one of his friend's wedding on the 9th of August, just days after Joey's birth date and a day before his own--a once happy and now bittersweet time of year.  Looking at his strength to be able to say yes to his friend, that he would not only attend the wedding but also be a part of it, I admire his courage.  I know he will have racing thoughts throughout the motions of the day, as we had talked about before when he attended a friend's wedding and found himself very sad at moments, thinking baout Joey.  I look at Patrick and how he responds to crossroads and adversities, and I want to be like him.  He makes me smile and remember that truly what Joey would want more than anything for any of us is to "choose living".  It's easier said than done sometimes, for certain.  But it's always food for thought when I am standing outside looking in on someone else that has also experienced deep pain, yet they are finding a way to truly live with and beyond the pain.  It's inspiring.

Whatever you choose at this crossroads, Bonnie, please know that you have friends here that truly understand your heart and needs at all stages of grieving, even when family may not.  Love & Hugs, Claudia

[heartbeataway]

Trudi and Claudia,

I'm sitting here in tears........ just one of those days. Your emails made my cup of grief spill over .......

It's almost like Jay used your little fingers to type the words that confirmed what we should do.

I told Rich (my husband) on the way to dinner that the one thing that keeps popping into my mind is Jason saying, "I'll be there. You can count on me."

He LOVED family and family gatherings. So, we will do what will honor him the most.

I love that I have this place to come and pour out my feelings, ask advice and seek solace on these days when I'm grasping for anything or something and know not what that something is.

I sat and watched a movie tonight and Jackson, Jason's Boxer, laid next to me with his head in my lap. I wonder if he remembers ....... if he grieves.

If I had known that the Universe was going to take our boy, I would have begged not to have it happen. But these are chances we don't get ......

We're left seeking signs and collecting pennies from Heaven. Life does go on but ever so slowly and ever so revolving. We have no new memories only the past and the remembered to bring us close to what was and constantly remind us of what will never be.

Words come to mind....... WHY? ........ Justice ........ forever ........ lost .... sad........ understanding ....... survive ........ bewildered ....... hurt ........ Love.... strength ...... broken ....... survive ......

And there's the constant ticker tape that runs in the background of my mind, "How can he be gone?"

I thank you for being here and for listening with your eyes and for taking the time to respond with your hearts.

I am blessed.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - I guess that's the hard part.  Our sons & daughters would want us to live our lives, just as they would.  But as Sally Fields says in Steel Magnolias "That's what my mind says, I wish someone would explain it to my heart".

From all you share here about Jason, I can only imagine his lust for life would be infectious.  His core beliefs held him in good stead with those who came into his life, and whose lifes he touch. 

You may have had only one son, but believe me, it sounds like he packed much into his life............Sorry to have tipped your 'cup of grief' over.  Sometimes I get stuck and being here, being able to express, share or just read gives me a release, an different perspective and  be it tears, posting back or just learning from those whose wisdom comes from withing I feel a peace that eludes me elsewhere........Trudi

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, I'm certain Jackson senses in you every pitter patter of your heart and every emotion that you feel as you carry on in the absence of Jason's physical presence.  In fact, Jackson probably counts on you more than you realize in terms of that "one connection" through you that allows him also to sense and remember Jason. 

I take it by your post that you decided to attend the wedding, of which I'm glad to hear, because you're right!  Jason would want you to be in the very midst of the things he would be enjoying in life--and as you said, family gatherings is one of them.  I found at my last family gathering that there were moments of sadness and disappointment, but there were also moments of laughter and sweetness that lifted me up and reminded me why Joey loved to be in the middle of all of that.  I hope you find those kind of moments too that will draw you close in your cherished memories and the essence of your son.  Those words you wrote...surviving...forever...etc...  I feel those words creeping in and out of my thoughts as well from time to time, depending on what is going on around me, how I feel on any given day, and when facing the crossroads of life.  Then I also am reminded of words that are stemmed from my faith, and somehow everything becomes at peace and all right.....

eternal.......alive......reunion.......temporary pain......and the list goes on......

Much Love, Claudia

[johnnysmama]

Dear Bonnie

I am at a family reunion out of state right now. it was very hard for me to want to come but I made myself for my 2 daughters and because Johnny would want me to. it has been a struggle though. My parents have only seen me once since Johnny's passing 16 months ago. They were here when we got here. They couldnt even hug me-my aunts and uncles did-they just said "Hi kay". That hurt me to my core. How much can one person in deep grief and raw pain take? I took it-but I sit here now crying and I can not stop. Then before dinner last night my cousin said a prayer amd remembered all the lost loved ones AND DID NOT MENTION JOHNNY. That created such deep pain. I am trying to co-exist try to live with this pain but come on.

So make the best decision about your family events that will help you and honor Jason.

Take care. Kay

[4everjoeysmom]

Ouch!!!..........   Kay, I am SO SORRY to hear that your family gathering is a complete struggle.  Sometimes people around us that have not been affected as closely as we have (ie by losing a child themselves), they just cannot even relate in thoughts, words, motions, etc.  That does hurt!  In such situations I too have found myself and it has been very sad.  I am slowly learning that just about everthing that happens around me from here on out, I have to make a conscious decision about my response.  I am slowly learning that if I choose to withdraw from everything that is painful in some way, there will be nothing left to live for or enjoy--which is truly sad.  I have friends and family members who are truly "ignorant" when it comes to how I may be feeling through various events, and I suppose in those situations I get my greatest lessons in extending mercy....  It reminds me of mercies I've received throughout my life that I certainly didn't deserve.  People may seem cruel because they leave out a name, or can't dig into their own pain to give a warm hug to another, but I suspect they are just being the people they've always been to some degree.  We just become hypersensitive to others because of our own hurts.  It's how we respond to what's going on around us that I am learning is the greatest opportunity to choose how I will honor Joey.  It is harder than it sounds most of the time, but a good exercise nonetheless in learning to survive in a living state verses a state of withdrawal and lonliness.

You are the sweetest, and you have always been so giving on these BI threads.  Your family doesn't know a treasure if it would hit them upside the head.    Please know that there is a "family" that does love you and holds you dear.  It's the one that is here at BI.  Much Love and BIG HUGS, Claudia

[heartbeataway]

Today is starting off a better day ........ I've only been up about an hour but it's going to be a better day.

Claudia and Trudi - love you both! You will never know how much your words helped me last evening.

Kay - Hang in there ........ I don't know what else to say.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Kay - It really suxs.  I think many of us here have felt that detachment that distance and many times it comes from those in our lives we look to most for some recognition, some support.  For me, I used to worry that my loss was a 'discomfort' to others.  I would purposely steer away from mentioning Mike.  No longer.  If the conversation is related Mike is mentioned.....with love, smiles and less and less tears.

Bonnie - So glad today has the promise of being a good day.  Hold on to that! 

Kathy - I know today will be filled with tears/smiles and hard times.  Mal & I are off to the snow!  Taking Jess's Birthday Balloons - together with a bunch of BI angel balloons.  The windchime, well it really is about others safe in their lives not knowing the importance of these symbols of our children........not having the experience.

More later...............................Trudi

Happy Birthday Jess!!!!  Look for the snow angels at Lake Mountain. 

[bbarbie55]

today is not a good day I started crying over Bobbi like I did when she died in April of 07 and now here I am having a little breakdown over a year later. I thought I was handleing this but its just like it was at the beginning when it first happened. I can't even see my grandson because my son in law has a new girlfriend and she decided her side is the only ones that should see him and thats been since March and we live in the same town.

I miss my daughter so much and the tears keep coming and no one is there for me this time. I feel all by myself in my greif this time and it feel worse this time. I don't know how much more of this I can stand it hurts so bad. I miss her so much.

thanks for listening I'm signing off

Deb

[mikesmum]

Deb - so long since I saw you post.  Am so sorry today isn't great for you.  The tears and heart break have absolutely no definition in time.  Just reading here and finding that years on many still have that emotional downtown.

I feel your pain when you talk about your grandchild.  They are our physical link to our child.  I haven't seen Mikes daughter since Feb 07.  Her mother deemed Harmony only needs one family and that will be hers.   She even went to court to prevent us trying to see her.....the pain of losing Mike made all the harder by not seening his child.

I know you have been travelling a long time, the emptiness overwhelms us all...but please never feel you are alone. We are all here together, listening, offering support but most of all, understanding where you are right now.....Take Care Trudi

[heartbeataway]

Deb,

Our son died in April 2007. We are neck in neck in this journey. And I've had a tough time lately too....... interesting.

This place, Beyond Indigo, is my place of solace. I find just what I need to keep me going when days are dark and my heart is hurting.

I'm sorry that times are tough for you right now. I think it helps to talk about things. That's what I do here.

As a grandparent, you have rights. Maybe you need to seek legal visitation.

Stay strong ......

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[daveydow1]

To all who have lost tributes at gravesites:

Although I have been fortunate not to have lost anything put on my son,

Davey's, grave,  there is a grave very close to his and the families do a

wonderful job of putting on tributes, and keeping the gravesite in tiptop

shape for the young man.  They had put a birdhouse on a shephard's hook,

and it came up missing.  Also, the same thing happened with the second and

third birdhouse.  This spring, someone in the family must have gotten fed up

with that, and now a beautiful painted birdhouse hangs nicely from a limb of

a nearby overhanging tree  WAY UP HIGH !  One of the young girls who visits

the grave often told me that her cousin climbed the tree with the aid of a rope--

no lower limbs to grab onto.  So now, the birdhouse hangs, undisturbed, well

above their dear loved one's grave.  The thieves are too lazy to tackle the

difficult climb, I guess.    Peace to all here at BI.

                                       Daveysmom,   Sherry     

[summergirl]

Hello to all - thank you all so much for your kind words and the different responses you gave to me about the "wind chimes" - it is the first time that something like this happened and I was NOT prepared for it - I realize that it was an accident of sorts but it was the coldness, sort of like "oh get over it" attitude that I got from the caretaker that made it so much harder - there was no kindness in his voice as he spoke those words to me, more like "I get tired of people complaining to me when something gets broke or comes up missing" and I did not know how to deal with it. I am ok now to a point, I have all of the pieces and put them in a sealed bag and wrote on it and put in Tavian's treasure box. I am going to move on from this set back and will put another chime there and hope for the best. 

Sue - It makes me happy about the watering can - so sweet for your husband to give it to the elderly woman. I know also what it is like to put flowers and such at the site and then have them removed just a few weeks later by the caretaker - I did ask about it and was told that they pick up the "dead" flowers etc - I explained that I never leave "dead" flowers there as I change them every week but have found some times that they are gone - no response so I let it go. I did ask if I could plant a few small flowering bushes and was told no as it is "too hard" for the caretaker to have to try and work around them!!  We paid for the beautiful site where we wanted our Jessica and it makes me so angry that I am told I cannot put flowering plants, boarder flowers, a bench - just fresh cut flowers in a vase or "plastic" flowers - I feell as though I have the right to put what I want there as long as I do not infringe on any one else near by - I am looking into what I can do about it.

Dee - I do agree with your discription of "temporary art" - I know as I said that what I put there are "material things" - I guess it being the first time it happened to me and not being anywhere near expecting it was what sent me over the edge plus the fact that I have been going through the "not feeling" any which way, like going through a maze and just getting more and more lost - finding the chimes gone brought me out of the maze and allowed me to finally feel something and to let all of the pain I had stored inside come out so although I am still upset about it - it did let me let go so I am thankful for that. I hope the ERIfest turned out to be all that you wanted and the sunshine was there all throught the day - however the weather was I am sure it all came together and cannot wait to hear about it.

Kay - as was said "OUCH" and doesn't it suck big time when your own parents cannot say anything to you except Hi Kay!!! and to not mention Johhny during the dinner prayer is so diffacult - been there and doing that!! My in-laws live a mile away and I remember them coming to the house "that morning" and the first thing my mother-in-law did was take my face in her hands and said "you have to be strong"!! There is not alot I remember those first days and weeks but that stands out so clearly in my mind, no i'm so sorry, no hugs just you have to be strong. Since then they do not mention Jessica unless I bring her up which I no longer do as I see how scared it makes them but I learned not to long ago that my mother-in-law goes to see Jessica every week so I guess that is her way of doing things. I guess I have to accept the fact that it will always be that way and no matter how it makes me feel there is nothing I can do and I choose to no longer try. My heart breaks for you as I know what it is like so hang in there my friend and take care of you and yours.

Trudi - thank you for the posting of the balloons and letting me know about sending the balloons not only for Jessica but for all of our BI Angels - you are truely an amazing woman and you have lifted my spirit and soul more than you know. There are beautiful snow angels at Lake Mountain - my dear friend you are a treasure.

Terri - I am so glad that I did not hurt your feelings - through all of your postings of Heather I just had the feeling that Heather knew and that makes her a very beautiful, powerful woman with so much love to give. God Bless you my friend.

Tomorrow Barry, Tavian and I will go to the cemetery after work and have a private celebration with Jessica - my sweet, sweet girl.

Today we took Tavian to the ocean for the day - beautiful sunny day and he had so much fun swimming with all of his friends. There were alot of people there and some I have not seem since Jessica and we spent quite some time talking about her, it made me feel so good although some tears were shed it was another step forward for me to hear some of the great memories they have of days at the ocean with Jessica - along with other wonderful memories to tell me - today was a good day!!!

I am going to say goodnite and try to sleep although I am anxious about tomorrow I know that I will be ok as I have all of you sending your prayers out and your happy birthday wishes - this site is my lifeline and I love all of you for your support, therapy, kind gentle words and for just being there.  All my love and thanks - Kathy

Forgive me if I have missed any one - it is hard to not come to the site for a few days and try to get caught up - I need to start copying the postings for my BI book - there are so many things said that I do not want to ever lose so I print them and keep them in a journal - God Bless.

 

 

[ericasmom]

Sue, I so hope to hear wonderful things about today's celebration. I just know it must have filled you up, and if you are exhuasted tomorrow...well that is me today after ERI-FEST. I will tell more about that later...

Kay, I am so sad that your family could not find the words to use that would allow them some grace, and give you the joy of hearing your Johnny's name spoken at the family table. How terribly rigid thier lives, if not to allow a loved one whose physical presence is no longer with us...to not speak his name. We do not ask for much really, we only ask that our children be remembered. I feel sorry for them, because they probably felt turmoil and conflicted about it, afraid to upset you...not understanding that the upset is in the absence of what they could not do. To so many folks, our tears mean we are not doing well, when in fact our tears speak volumes of our strength. Kay, as an echo to words spoken earlier, this family supports you and loves you and holds you and your beautiful Johnny in our hearts; cradled and is name is spoken by so many. We are not afraid of making you sad, we all know that the saddest thing has happened, that now, we are learning to live with our two feet in two different worlds. One with our child, the other in this world that we must function in. Hold on Kay, your Boy is smiling on you.

Trudi, thanks for taking balloons out for our kids, how perfectly wonderful to think of BI balloons so far from here in miles, and so close to our hearts. You cross the oceans with your warm heart.

I will tell you the wonderments of our Eri day tomorrow, the exhaustion makes it hard to see the screen. STayed up till 3:00 AMor so, and got up at 7:00 AM with my great niece who stayed over; age 3.

Talk with you all tomorrow,

it makes me smile to say that.

Dee

[mikesmum]

The forecast here was for wind, rain, hail and snow down to 300mts.  Top temp around 9c.  The balloons were ready.  I 'borrowed' as many Atvar pics as I could and sent Jess a Happy Birthday Card from all. 

Can't wait to hear about the Eri fest and Michelles day........My heart went with the balloons as they soared above the trees - something about this site, the friendships and the kids........connection, energy something special.......

Hope today has gotten better Deb......All never far from my thoughts - Trudi

:dude:

[messenger]

JUST AWESOME AND BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOVE AND PRAYERS TO ALL

GERI JAMES MOM:):):):):):):):)

[johnnysmama]

Dear Friends,

Thank you all for your love and support. I COULD NOT DO THIS WITHOUT YOU. You help me breathe in and out everyday and I love you all so much. I love all our children, too. Your wisdom and love makes that incredible mountain I climb on this journey possible.

 

Trudi, thank you so much for including all our children in Jess' birthday celebration. Each and every time one of you remembers or mentions our children you make them live for us.

 

I am so anxious to hear about Shell's and Eri's celebrations. Please share all you can.

 

Happy Birthday Jessica!!!!

 

Thank you ALL for being here. You give me hope and courage to keep going.

Love, Kay

[heartbeataway]

Trudi, What a sweet, sweet gesture! I for some reason didn't connect with the fact that you sent them from our children. Thank you!

I believe that was just the most perfect, unselfish act of love I can imagine!

I could even make out most of the little pictures on the card. I wish I knew how to connect pictures like that.

Now you have my mind working on how to include "our" children in Jason's celebration in October. I think I may know but until I'm sure, I'll keep it and ponder it.

It was also nice to meet you "in person" so to speak. It's a wonderful picture!

Thanks again!

Love!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESS!

  :X :? :shock: :dude: :X :? :shock: :dude: :X :?