Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Lesley, I am happy that Tommy left an orange heart-shaped rock for you on the path. That Boy shines on Lesley.

[MargeeTx]

Louanne:  yes, it is HOT here and we only have desert out in west Texas.  Our water bill runs between $ 200-300/month and the grass still may not make it. But I still prefer this to cold anywhere.  Our winters can be fairly mild....occasional ice storms which shuts everything down.  But I have also played golf on New Year's Day,which ain't bad.

ihavebeen doing some extra reading and hope I learn some better coping skills.   I feel completely 'stuck' in a state of sad, painful, tearful, isolating frame of mind. 

 

[4MyM&J]

Thank you everyone. To know that this feeling of him not being gone is normal, makes me feel like I’m not crazy. It’s been rough. State police is still investigating Michael’s accident, I finally got them to agree to do a reconstruction. The stories that his dad have told me and others about what happened just don’t make sense. And the story always changes slightly. Things aren’t adding up, and I’m afraid of how I’m going to react if I find out his dad lied to me about what happened. 

[MiasMommyForever]

Ive been mostly a stay at home mommy since my now 8 yo son was born. My Mia was 22 months younger than him and my youngest was 22 months younger than her. I got my BA in liberal arts when my first was 8 months old, but never went back to get my credential. I always thought I'd go back, but when Mia got cancer I didnt even substitute teach anymore. Since Mia passed away, my husband has felt the pressure of doing it all on his own in a different way. He wants to be able to stay home sometimes since everyone at the Barbershop knows his story and constantly asks him how he's doing and that's hard for him. He always says I need to get a job to help, so I enrolled in school so I could start the 2 year process of the RN program. I'm starting slow and taking 2 classes of prerequisites first. My oldest started 3rd grade on Thursday and my little one started kindergarten. Without going to school myself, I don't know what I would do during the day with an empty house. Mia and I always loved having our girl time. We would paint our toes and listen to "girl songs". Now that I'm the only girl in the house, it's hard to get through the days when I actually have to paint my toes , when I have to clean the house and listen to music all I want to hear are our songs we loved but the boys didnt. I guess school for me couldn't have come at a better time because every time I start to feel alone or sad if I'm by myself and the kids are at school, I just study. I usually cry a lot when I study but that's ok because I'm by myself and I miss mia every minute, at least i could release. I feel good about doing school for myself because all my Mimi wanted to do was go to school and the cancer kept her from it. She started pre school and got diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks later. She was in remission the next summer and started kindergarten and was there one week before we found out her cancer came back. She was never able to go to school, so mommy  will do it for her, and i think she likes that. 

 I've been feeling better the past week, and that's because I had my 2nd dream of Mia since she passed. I had my 1st dream about 2 months after she passed, but it was an upsetting dream because I was trying to get to her and people kept coming in the way. I'll write soon about my dream, I don't have time now, but it was the most wonderful dream I've ever had in my life. I felt so much peace afterward, and it came on the day that my aunt told me she has never dreamed of my deceased grandmother,  which upset me. When Mia passed away in my arms I asked her to come back to me in my dreams and she finally did. Everyone else seems to dream about her so much except for me. At least thats one thing I can't be upset about anymore 

I love you all, and pray for your strength always

[Tommy's mum]

miasmommy well done you going back to school and a nursing course is wonderful. Being an RN is a good career and you can use your experiences to help others. Mia will be cheering you on all the way.I have two younger friends who both qualified as RN's in their late 30's and never looked back. I was a nurse too many years ago but my health problems are too difficult to be able to manage it as a job again and I am probably so outdated anyway. How lovely you had a dream about your precious little girl. It must have been so helpful to see her healthy and happy after all she had suffered before bless her. It must have been so so hard to have a child with cancer and to go through the treatments etc only for her to slip away. You truly are an inspiration.

4mym&j yes it must be really difficult to cope with the worry of a possible coverup by his dad. I hope you get some answers finally but these things do take time to be revealed. How will you cope? Well you will just as you have coped so far, sometimes by the skin of your teeth but you will survive. The outcome sadly will not change, you still will be without your precious boy but perhaps charges will be brought which may help. You have done so well so far even if sometimes you feel like you are losing your mind. grief drives you crazy that is for sure. thinking your boy is still alive is just a way to cope your mind is in overdrive and can only process a bit at a time. Stay strong my friend.

margarett feeling stuck is common, a feeling of existing rather than living but very slowly it will change and you will see some small glimpses of light. It is a case of learning a new normal which is really hard to do at first. Stay healthy and look after yourself so that you can keep going. reading books on grief can be helpful giving you more of a picture of how to cope with the different stages, just don't forget everyone does it differently at different time scales. There are no hard and fast rules.I am still learning 3 years on.

dee thanks for your kind words. That little rock gave me a much needed boost it reinforces that my boy is still with me. How strange that I saw it amongst so many many others on the day that I most needed some comfort. I had a nice email from the head of security at the uni but no window locks sadly. The chancellor did not even bother to reply. Oh well.

[Skay]

Yesterday was 2 months since I lost Trey. I went into his room for the first time and just layed in his bed, his pillow still smelled like him. I am so very sad. I can't believe he is gone. I keep hoping to get some sort of sign from him but so far nothing. My ex husband said that he had a dream right after it happened and Trey told him that he was ok. I would love to have a dream like that. 

[Tommy's mum]

skay I too longed for a dream but still have not had one yet. It just is not the right time it will happen when it does you just have to wait. There are so many other signs, a whiff of a fragrance, a bird or butterfly that comes really close, a flower in their favourite colour, a penny or feather on the ground, all so subtle. Your grief is still so new and raw, it is just one day at a time making your way through the depression until as time goes by you begin to see a little light ahead. Those old cliches ring true even if they seem so useless. making time for and allowing your grief to come out and show itself instead of forcing it down and avoiding it is the best way to start healing. That sharp pain of agony will eventually subside into a sweet ache over time. trey is still with you by your side, just know that. he is gone in the earthly sense of the word but talk to him and ask him to help you, Trey is ok and happy where he is the time runs differently where he is now. trust your journey, you will definitely see him again one day and hold him in your arms just not yet you have more life to live ahead of you. take care

[NiquesMom]

Talking to a very nice woman today who knows absolutely nothing about me. We were talking about kids,  I mentioned my 5 year old and asked her how old hers were.  She Said 20,  that she is a recent empty nester,  and I won't know anything about that for years.  How she goes grocery shopping and sees the items her children like but she doesn't need to buy them anymore.  I think I did ok,  but I wanted to shake her and say I do get it. I see things my daughter would love but no reason to buy them anymore.  I hurt so much,  and I know she didn't mean anything by it,  but  it hurt,  her to think I dont understand. 

[MissingMyCJ]

Thank you all for the kind words and the support you all have shared. I would like to share with you a call I received  2 weeks ago from his employer. He was an electrician for our State. He maintained a ton of state buildings and had wonderful relationships with those he worked for and with. The women that he worked closest with in his department have arranged a brick memorial ceremony for this coming Thursday. His brick will be placed on the State Capital Grounds in a spot that his bosses chose especially for him. I was informed today, that many member of congress and senators will be in attendance. They also did an open invitation to all the employees in the buildings he serviced. I am so incredibly proud of the hardworking, honest, reliable man that he was.  He touched so many lives in his short 25 years. He is missed deeply by so many people! His department told me that they have NEVER done anything like this before.  I will upload a picture as soon as possible after Thursday. 

 

[Skay]

Tommy's mum thank you for your words. These past few days have been hard for me. I don't want people to forget about Trey. That is where my head is right now. I have decided that every month on the 19th I will do something in remembrance of him. 

Niquesmom, I had someone ask me for the first time the other week how many children I have. I said two and it was all I could do to not break down. I do have two, it's just one is not here. It's like evertime I say his name out loud to a friend or stranger I start to cry.

[Virginia 82]

I was asked to join this conversation, however my child was not an adult, does that matter? 

[Aj's mom]

My only child Aj is 19. He was murdered on 7/5/18 after being robbed.  I can't find my way. I don't know what to do. I have no support but forum or groups on Facebook. I was in a relationship but it ended days ok. I feel like I don't matter. I'm faltering. I feel like I'm sinking. I know my son would want me to live my life or go on(whatever that means) but I don't know how. Pulled down by a violent wave of a horrible pain. Everything hurts. My hair fell out. It was just he and I.  I just feel like letting go. 

[Tommy's mum]

virginia82 no it does not matter how old your child was. This thread was originally started by a mom of an adult child that is all. Every grieving parent is welcomed we all have a common bond the loss of our child and the loss of their future. It is just as painful no matter what age they were it leaves a massive hole in the family.

ajsmom i am sorry for your sad loss and understand that you are struggling and feel lost. That is a normal reaction happens to all of us at different times. It is really difficult to adjust to that gap that space where your child was and move around it, the answer to how many kids do you have? etc. Stress and anxiety can cause hair loss and other symptoms. Take a multi vitamin and mineral supplement every day, this helps to balance anything your diet may be missing. Eating can feel like a chore and a supplement helps. It is always hard when a relationship breaks up it leaves you a bit vulnerable and sad and then coping with grief on top it really sucks. I choose not to be in a relationship have been single and ok for many years and only have one friend as I cut myself off due to grief. this forum gives you understanding friendships and hope for a brighter future.

[Devianz]

So many new members, I am sorry that you have to be here but I am very glad you arrived. We all understand your pain, and together we can work through some of the grief and hopefully let you know that what you are feeling is normal and even expected in most cases.  The weight is heavy, but sometimes hearing the stories of others, even if you don't share can be so beneficial to your own heart and mind. My heart goes out to each and every parent, and I am so sorry for your loss. 

My 20 year old son Nathan was murdered during an altercation 2 years ago, they caught the man who did it but the trial has not even begun yet. It's been the worst two years of my life, dealing with all of the pain and guilt and shame that comes along with it.  My husband and I are separated emotionally, and we are attempting to go through counseling now since we couldn't get back to each other from individual therapy.  For most of our marriage, we were the rock for each other but we were each others half instead of being two whole people, which has it's own problems so adding our sons death to it cleaved us in two halves.  There is a lot of differences in our pain and suffering, but it has driven us apart at a time where we needed support the most. 

I am struggling still, and I have good days and bad days. Today my youngest son comes home from spending some time with his grandparents, and he finally shared with me some things that have been bothering him so I am getting therapy for him as well.  He is struggling with a lot of anger and sorrow, and it's just now bubbling up two years after the event.  It's a tough weight for a sibling to bear and I am very sorry I didn't see it sooner. I have some good support systems I've been building, and that is keeping me afloat but I will not say that there were not times that I sat on the phone with the Crisis Hotline ( 24/7/365 Crisis Hotline - Call: 1 (800) 273-8255 or Text: “ANSWER” to 839863) and had to get outside intervention.  This is the hardest time for me, as the trial is coming up and I am coping with the grief of losing my marriage in the middle of having to relive the events of 2 years ago with the trial. 

I try to get back here, but admit to taking time off to provide myself some self-care and attention that I hadn't been giving myself. I am working on that now, and sometimes I need to put that first. This community has been wonderful to me, and I cherish the words and stories of all the parents who are making a similar journey. 

[Missing my little man]

The last couple of days was an emotional roller coaster ride of hell (sorry for swearing). My baby loves it when i sang to him at bedtime twinkle twinkle little star was one of his favorite songs. My niece and nephew where watching YouTube videos the othe day, and that song came on i immediately went to tears and had to duck away to my room.

[Devianz]

Those little triggers are everywhere to trip us up, aren't they? It brings a flood of emotion and pain back into us that sends us into a bit of a spiral that is hard to get out of. To this day, when I hear certain acoustic guitar songs, my heart just races and the tears follow right behind. I would like to tell you that it gets easier with time, but I am not sure that it does.  There will always be reminders and people who ask the wrong question, or say the wrong thing. 

The worst for me still (my 20 year old son died 2 years ago) is "How many children do you have?"

It stops me dead in my tracks every time. I have to think about it, and when I do... I am not sure how to answer and then where I can go to hide the tears. 

It's okay to feel that way, and it's normal and acceptable to have bad days. We can only do the best we can in each day, and that is enough.  We are broken but even in our pain, we are enough and we are worthy of love and acceptance. I am so very sorry for your loss. 

[Missing my little man]

The last couple of days was an emotional roller coaster ride of hell (sorry for swearing). My baby loves it when i sang to him at bedtime twinkle twinkle little star was one of his favorite songs. My niece and nephew where watching YouTube videos the othe day, and that song came on i immediately went to tears and had to duck away to my room.

[Missing my little man]

Thanks Dev. I am sorry for your loss. People say that for you to be able to move on is to understand the event, but i haven't been able to understand mine. Most of the losses I've heard here are that their children where ill from the beginning. Anytime a child dies is never easy for their loveed one left behind. My baby was was perfectly healthy. My baby past because of an accident that could have, and should have been prevented. I'm more angry and mad than other thing.

I only have one baby Dev.

[Tommy's mum]

missinglittleman it is ok there will always be some things that trigger deep emotions. I am 3 yrs on and when an advert came on tv a few weeks ago it was one of the songs we played at my son's funeral and I lost it. Triggers can be a song, a smell, a place,a family event, a food oh the list is endless. you just have to roll with it and let the emotions play out and then it is done until another time. If you are in work or a public place excuse yourself and get yourself some space and privacy. my tommy died and his death could have been prevented also. If locks were installed on the dorm windows his friend would have been unable to climb out and my son would still be alive. So I know how you feel about anger, about injustice and wanting someone to take responsibility. It makes you feel bitter and resentful, that is all part of the grieving process, working through the different feelings, and it is hard and it is painful but it does have a resolution in time.

devianz glad you posted i was wondering what was going on with you. Do you have a trial date yet? It will be a really tough time for you all and bring up stuff. i am not surprised your son has begun to question and think more about what happened to nathan. as the shock wears off and the numbness recedes more information is needed and it is good he has counselling. My youngest son has also been having a tough time this year and attended 4 sessions at university. Siblings are also deeply affected by their brother or sister dying and we all know how grief changes who you are. Even if they do not talk much about their sibling it is still present inside. my daughter is now older than her brother but hates if people think she is now the oldest she always points out she has an older brother. Reaching the age of 24 which is how old Tommy was is a difficult milestone and so are the birthdays after that. It is a sad fact of life. i hope your son can make some sense of what happened and be able to express himself in order to feel some small sense of peace. Acceptance is really hard but is important for healing. I accept what happened to my boy, yes I still feel some anger and some resentment sometimes and hell yeah it is wrong for a parent to bury their child, but I also could not prevent it, it was not my fault. I could not have been there to stop it happening or with him at the end, those are facts. I email the university every year to remind them about my boy and to ask for locks on the windows and hope that one day that will happen. I also am aware it may not happen. I try to deal with what I can in my little world and sometimes that is a full time job as life can be hard as well as cruel. Stay strong my friend

[Devianz]

Lesley,

Thanks for thinking of me, you are so kind. I think it's normal to feel anger and resentment sometimes.  Something very special was ripped out of your life suddenly without warning, and left a gap where your Tommy used to be. I think siblings and especially younger siblings have trouble because they have all these confusing emotions but don't want to add to their parents sadness so they stay silent for too long out of respect for us but to their own detriment. I know it hasn't been easy for him to adjust, but now that the raw pain is out there I want to help him address it or get the right resources for him to work through it. We just passed what would have been Nathan's 23rd birthday, and he was up in Canada and feeling that pain pretty strongly.  That was the night he told me what he was feeling and it broke my heart that he held it in for so long. 

I too have accepted what happened to my son but I vacillate between being really hopping mad, and being sad when the anger wears off. I don't think the trial will help with any resolution, but at least some peace in knowing that the man who killed my son in cold blood, premeditated will be away from the rest of society for awhile. I wish we didn't have to go through a trial at all, but criminal sociopaths really don't care what pain they inflict on their victim or on the victims family so he wants to fight it out instead of take a plea. I have to fight for other mothers and fathers and young men who need to be protected from this man who took my son from me so that no more suffering occurs at his hand. 

  Missing, 

I don't think we ever really "move on", but we can get to a place where the burden becomes a little more peaceful and a little less heavy. I too have a lot of shame, pain and guilt related to my son's death because I also feel like there were many ways I could have prevented the things that happened that day and lead up to his death.  Make sure you don't point too much anger at yourself, because it will only hold you back from the chance moments of joy and happiness that still occur around you. I numbed everything for awhile, but then I realized that I numbed peace and happiness too, with numbing the pain.  When we let ourselves be vulnerable... really and truly vulnerable and show our true selves, it gives others the opportunity to see who we are and connect with us to help us heal the pain too. Connections with people are so important in the process, even when they are painful.  They remind us that we are alive, and that there are people who love us and can care for us even when we don't know how to ask for help.  What makes us vulnerable, makes us beautiful in all our flawed glory. Suffering is a part of life for everyone, and those of us here understand that a little too well but there are moments of light through all of it if we keep going forward whole-heartedly.

~Margo

[Missing my little man]

Thank you dev. I am going to an report form the medical examiner soon here, and i dont know what to expect. I'm both scared, and nervous.

[Somersky]

We all have a loss... 

I miss my son... I feel like I should have done something. I gave my some cpr for 30 minutes then they brought him to the hospital... I later found out he had a heart defect. Skylar should never had died... he died in the hands of the system ... it was overlooked and I am so angry... his life was a medical oversight! How do I live with that???

[Somersky]

 

[Somersky]

I really found this song resonates 

[Somersky]

I am trying so hard

[PieceofCate]

I haven’t been here in a little while. I have read every entry since my last visit. It hurts my heart to find those of you that have lost children since my world stopped cold on April 21st. I hate that anyone else has to carry around this knot in their stomach 24/7 and you are all in my thoughts and prayers every night. I guess the shock wears off in pieces. I have been inconsolable for at least a week. I am sure that some of it is because I have been contacting senators and talking with the turnpike authority and other public safety agencies about putting cable barriers up on the turnpike where Cate was killed in a crossover collision. Constantly talking about the accident that I have worked so hard to block is wearing me down in every way possible. I want to be able to think of my sweet girl without immediately going to the scene of the accident. However, it looks like the OTA is going to rebalance their capital plan for 2019 to include cable barriers on this road starting in January. It will save lives and I have had Cate’s voice in my head all summer telling me that something good can come of her suffering and misfortune. 

Last weekend Her fiancé came to visit us. We wrote messages on paper lanterns and sent them up. We got tattoos together. We cried and cried. I promised Cate on that turnpike after we found the scene that I would take care of him. He is just as devastated as I am. 

This new wave of pain is so deep. It’s different from anything so far. The disbelief is just as strong but so is the pain of reality. I can’t believe she’s been gone four months. I can’t believe that I can survive another four. Not like this. Rock stars and supermodels sleep and eat more than I do. Every single moment is dedicated to grieving and trying to survive. 

I’m adding photos of our lanterns and my tattoo. The airplane is a larger version of Cate’s that you can see in her photo. The coordinates are the birthplaces of my babies and our cabin that Cate loved so much and where we will scatter ashes when I am ready. 

Love and peace to all of you. 

[PieceofCate]

Somersky, I love that song. Thank you for sharing! When my youngest goes to bed I often sit outside and listen to music and talk to Cate. I have two playlists for these occasions. Art comforts and heals. I do find some comfort in listening to her favorite music. 

[Somersky]

Piece of cake.. the singer looks a bit like your daughter. Skylar too was very handsome... two years later and I am STILL in shock. A mother should never have to perform cpr on her child ... ever!!! It’s just wrong in every way!

[MissingMyCJ]

On 8/21/2018 at 3:13 PM, MissingMyCJ said:

Thank you all for the kind words and the support you all have shared. I would like to share with you a call I received  2 weeks ago from his employer. He was an electrician for our State. He maintained a ton of state buildings and had wonderful relationships with those he worked for and with. The women that he worked closest with in his department have arranged a brick memorial ceremony for this coming Thursday. His brick will be placed on the State Capital Grounds in a spot that his bosses chose especially for him. I was informed today, that many member of congress and senators will be in attendance. They also did an open invitation to all the employees in the buildings he serviced. I am so incredibly proud of the hardworking, honest, reliable man that he was.  He touched so many lives in his short 25 years. He is missed deeply by so many people! His department told me that they have NEVER done anything like this before.  I will upload a picture as soon as possible after Thursday. 

 

What a humbling experience yesterday!  He was truly honored by all of his co-workers, and many that just loved him beyond measure. The 2nd picture is his direct team that he worked with daily. I was able to see his shop and his office. His team has not touched his office at all. Everything was just like he left in on the Thursday before he passed. I was able to take home many note pads with his handwriting and all of his doodles. I also took his pencil cup that his daughter made for him with her finger prints on it.   

He is missed so much!!!! 

[Somersky]

It means so much when our loved one is honoured like that. A group of my clients bought a brass train plaque in memory of Skylar and it sits on the beach near the pier. Sadly though I do not like to go there now because it’s there. One day I’m sure it will be easier. Huge hug to everyone this morning!

[Michaels Mom]

I don't know how to navigate this site.  A part of me does not want to.  It creates such anger and sorrow to actually acknowledge I am a member of such horrible sadness.  And yet I don't know what I would do without the kindness of all of you.  I am sitting here alone once again.  No one to talk to who wants to hear.  Sometimes I just want to talk about my boy.  He lived, he walked on this earth.  He left behind two beautiful boy that I never get to see.  People act like this is a disease they might catch.  So they find reasons to get away from me.  I have been able to reach out to one other person who is now going thru this.  This helps us both.  For those who reached out to me I thank you.  Just writing this has lessened the pain. I love you and miss you my beautiful boy. my Michael.  I guess you were to beautiful for this world.     

[PieceofCate]

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/this-is-not-the-end/260801469?i=260801480

[PieceofCate]

Missing my CJ, what a gift to experience all those people who have such love and respect for your boy! 

[Bea8924]

It has been a whike since I been here. For those who dont know, my 4yr old daughter passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in May 14. The morning after mothers day. Due to flu like symptoms. from the time she got sick to the time ahe passed was no more than 24hrs. No cauae of death yet. I'm still in a state of shock. Numb more than anything. I came back to this site because at the moment I have no one to vent to. My husband has begun to push me away. No matter how hard I try to help him to cope with his grief, nothing I do or say matter. He literally said that, he said, "you dont matter, nothing matters, I dont need you, just leave me alone" makes me sad to hear him say that when he knows I love and care for him but he doesnt seem to care for me and our 2 children (6yr old and 7mo old) at the time. I need him to be able to survive this life without my daughter. The pain of losing her is hard enough. I feel so alone right now. Like I have no one to turn to. I want to just get in my car and drive off. But as a mom of 2 surviving children, they come first. I'm just lost at rhis point. Numb and lonely. Its so easy for him to just push me away. I need to go  calm down and hope he wakes up in a better mood. 

[MargeeTx]

Michael's Mom:   You will eventually understand how to navigate the site.  But I still can't type in colors or with different fonts, I surely can't be of any help....sorry.  

I do have some news to share.  Meredith and her family are coming here to visit next weekend.  I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE HER.  So mike and I have been doing some extra  cleaning and meal planning.  But with the extra activity, the old A-FIB is acting up.  So doc is considering changing the medication which will require a 3 day hospital stay for monitoring.  Not going to happen until after her visit.  When I remember how active and energetic that I was my entire life until 2 years this past October, I am dumbfounded. And, the other positive.... the different new medication will cost about $20/month...compared to $700/ month ( donut hole crap).  Getting older is not for the weak.   How on this earth do 80 year olds without family handle all of this ?  If my health was netter, I could help so many navigate this crazy healthcare system.   

Sorry for the soapbox.  I think of you all every day.

 

[ericasmom]

To All, I am sorry that I have not been available for the last several weeks, school was going to begin and I get overwhelmed with what I have to do to start school and we had to double up on babysitting for the Grandies, which is a delight but I had nothing left to give here, not even time to read, so I am catching up but this new group of third graders are going to be a handful so I will likely be here less.

Bea, it is for you to take care of you and the Kids...I am terribly sorry that your Husband is pullling away and not able, but you can't heal him, you can't fix him...you can only say I have tried to carry you along with us, I wanted you next to me, but right now, I will step away from you in order to have energy to sustain and nurture our children. I am sending you prayers of strength and fortitude.

Kristen, I know you are trying...are you getting any assistance with the emotional aspect of grief? I can't remember.

To all that I don't yet know, hold on...we know the absolute terrible ways you are feeling and trying to live...it will not, IT WILL NOT, always be this hard, I promise.

[Onedayonemother]

What I did on my daughters Cynthia’s Birthday August 19th 2018

No mother or parent will wanna celebrate a child’s birthday at a gravesite. Guess what? That’s exactly what I did on August 19th 2018..its an important date for me, Cynthia and Darwin were born August 19th, ironically they are 10yrs apart. I remember when they were young the health insurance company will call to confirm just to be sure the dates are correct.That was funny.

Beautiful Sunday

It was a beautiful Sunday morning….all night prior to visiting my daughter, I was very anxious. I couldn’t wait for the sun to rise. Excitement grew as we drove closer to the George Washington cemetery in Silver Spring, Maryland. Entering the gate into the cemetery, subconsciously I could hear my daughter’s voice saying to me …”Mummy I am happy you came! welcome lets celebrate this day together”. I immediately felt a peace of mind knowing that she wasn’t alone on her birthday. Its always a very difficult visit, I would be lying to myself if I didn’t mention all the tears, hurting and the pain. When I get out of the car the emotions rush through me. Then the worst is when I am leaving the cemetery, feel as if I am abandoning my child. 

What are some of the Feelings?

Visiting the gravesite can be a sorrowful time, a sad time, painful and at times it can be a joyful period knowing you are standing or siting at the resting place of your loved ones. Your anxiety levels increases, emotionally your mental reaction is either fear or anger. Sense of loneliness flows through me. You become numb, but guess what? I still and will always cherish every visit no matter how tough it is. We all spend our lives trying to avoid this place but death is inevitable.

Why the visit? Others may ask?

• Pay your respects and to remember your loved ones 
• To have a tremendous sense of inner peace
• Some people might be looking for closure during the visit
• Reflecting on the beautiful life 
• Time to rearrange the flowers
• A time also to reflect on your own mortality
• To celebrate, holidays, anniversaries, birthdays 
• Lone time to reflect on how your life has change ever since they departed
• It’s a time of healing, meditation 
• Story telling time if you are with families or friends
• Might be a time to reminisce and connect with the past 
• A time to have a silent communications
• It might be to release stress and a plan for the future
• Making sure its clean,cemeteries cut the grass and trim the area around the gravestone, it your responsibility to keep the monument looking beautiful
• Check on the condition of the headstone, if it requires any maintenance
• Decorate the tombstone with memorabilia or art 

 

What I (we) did

• Clean the headstone and beautify the plot
• Laid a bouquet of artificial silk flowers into the vest holder
• Placed the birthday balloons
• Rearranged the old flowers
• Removed and replace the old ribbons and dirts around granite monument
• Took photos and made a short video which was share to family members and friends
• Stroll to check other tombstones around Cynthia’s, resting place
• Admired different inscriptions, cultural display, personalized designs and engravings from other families
• I make it a habit to say “Hello” to the those around Cynthia’s gravesite

Conclusion

My conclusion during and after leaving the cemetery is that, each one lying there represents a life, new borns, marriages, divorces, students, successes, failure, financial struggles, graduates, musicians, doctors, preachers, teachers, business men and women, I mean people of all background.

We all have different form of believes, I personally give thanks to GOD every second for the wonderful and beautiful life I shared with my Cynthia. 

At the end of my visit, I was in a state of euphoria all day Sunday and even extended through out the week. My mindset was content with a sense of happiness and well-being for accomplishing my visit. I try as much as possible to be optimistic for a positive and hopeful times ahead, by encouraging myself to look forward to a brighter future with a belief that spending time at her gravesite with joy, love, relief, satisfaction, gratitude and hope.

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Deborah. I’m so glad you got that sense of well being visiting your girls grave.  That was an incredible accomplishment for you.  I know the feeling of driving away and feeling like you are leaving them behind...but remember that is just your Cynthia’s shell there, just her earthy body.  She is soaring with the angels, all of our angels together.  I truly believe when I meet another grieving mom that our children have had a hand in bringing us together to lean on one another on this path that as you know can be very lonely at times.  Cynthia’s angel date and birthdate are the two most difficult days to face each year. So just sit back and take a deep breath, you have gotten thru that day again and you will get thru it each year to come.  Just remember you never have to walk this path alone dear friend.  Luanne

Margee.  So glad Meredith is visiting. can tell you are really looking forward to that.  Hope u are finding little ways to be kind to yourself and pamper yourself every  now and again.  U are a nurse right?  I worked in a medical records department at a hospital for 29 years so I know how to spell all the words but don’t know what they all mean.  What makes your afib get out of control or act up..stress or over exertion.  I hear you about the cost of medications.  Now I’m retired mine aren’t covered, or my dental either...very expensive.  So how many kids does Meredith have and what ages.  I’d love to hear about them.  Luanne

Bea.  All relationships in our lives take a beating when we lose a child, but none more so then a marriage.  Mine did not survive.  Unfortunately as hard as we try to bring people along with us, ultimately they have to decide for themselves if they want to survive this.  I am 7 years in and after a bunch of lousy doctors, got a new psychiatrist last March and at the end of the first appointment he said to me, “I want you to go home and decide if you want to get better”.  I thought what the heck is he talking about.  He said he could help me if I wanted to put the work in with him.  He sees  lot of patients who say I’m only here cause my family sent me, I’m not interested in anything you have to say.  I know it is hard but you can’t take on anyone else’s grief path for them.  (I know cause I tried for several years).  We each have to find our own way.  I’m glad you can come here and vent to us....you never have to walk this path alone. Take care.  Luanne

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Piece of Cate.  Your lanterns are beautiful.  What does your tattoo mean?  yes the disbelief the new waves of that deep deep pain, are horrific but  unfortunately are  all part and parcel of what we have been dealt. I know early on  I tried To starve myself too, thought or attempted any suicidal thought that popped into my head.  We are trying to self punish ourselves, thinking we don’t deserve to have any  happiness, hope , or even the basic needs of life given to us.  I know what you are feeling exactly right now, but is what I have come to learn in the last 7 years is that self punishment does not bring our child back, it doesn’t make us better grievers or that we loved our child more because we don’t look after ourselves.....it just doesn’t.  I know right now you aren’t going to feel like going out to a restaurant and having a big meal, or maybe even having a shower (I know I didn’t), but please try to be a little bit kind to yourself, allow yourself time to find your way again and although you may not feel like it right now, you will dear friend,  sometimes the steps are so minute you might not recognize them.  But little bits of sun will poke thru now and again, and you have made it thru the first four months and you’ll make it thru the next four and so I n.  Remember my Kira and your Cate are dancing up a storm in heaven.  Try to do just one little thing everyday to be kind to you.  Hugs. Luanne

 

Luanne...Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Michaels mom.  Yes, it is hard to accept that we are in this club, the one which we can never get out of and have the highest dues in the world. But never feel like you are alone or no one wants to hear you.....we all do here.  I would love to hear about your boy.  And absolutely people act like we have a disease they are going to catch.  I have seen people duck down grocery isles, and go to all kinds of extremes to avoid me and the ones that do talk usually say something hurtful anyway.  Us grieving parents share an unbreakable bond.  I just know we could all be standing in the same room together and no one would have to speak a word.  Cause we would all just know, is there anything you can do to see your grandchildren?  I’m looking forward to hearing all about your precious boy.  Remember you do not walk this journey alone, we are all hear with our arms around you.  Hugs luanne

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

ForMyM&J.  It must be very difficult to not have those answers that you are looking for.  And for sure they are important to you now,  when all the paper work is complete and as time goes on the why won’t hold as tight a grip on you as it does now.  And you are absolutely not crazy for feeling like your boy is not gone.  It is so overwhelming to accept, so off the radar off anything else, it is just not comphrehendable at times...so sometimes it just isn’t something we can accept.  My psychiatrist told me there was a world wide study done from several top psychiatrists, counsellors, etc and they rated what things were the most difficult in life for people to handle.  He said that loss of a child was number one and nothing even came close behind it.   We have all had the worst that life can throw at anyone.  But we will all get thru this side by side, no one has to travel this path alone.  Hugs Luanne 

Peggy.  How are you dear?  Are you getting any more signs from your boy.  I find it took me several years to where I could be open to receiving them.  I am totally in tune now and catch every one that comes my way now.  Hold on tight to them, they are truly signs from our children, and that’s all us grieving moms get.  Your seven months in, it is still fresh and raw, but your trudging on day by day.  You will find a thin scar that starts to form over your broken heart, it does heal but never completely and there are always things that will tug at that scar now and then, but your are moving forward and those little pin holes of light and hope will continue to poke thru.  Hugs and love to you.  Luanne

Luanne...Kira’s mama

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Kristen.  I can definitely see a more upbeat change in you. That’s so good.  Even our joys are bittersweet, but at least they are there. R u near  any of the fires.  R they worse than last year.  We have had  so much rain here, wish we could send some your way. R u thinking about getting anymore tattoos,I am but not sure what I want.  Take care Luanne 

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[KJs Mommy Always]

Hi everyone,

its been at least a month since I’ve been up here. Depression from missing my baby boy has had my full attention along with problems at work. I’ve been extremely overwhelmed and depressed. To add more loss to my plate, I had a miscarriage that began on Thursday. I’ve never had a miscarriage until Thursday and I’ve given birth to 4 healthy children. I never lost a child either until 18 June 18. I feel as though I’m destined to keep experiencing loss and I just don’t see things getting any better any time soon. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Missing my little man.  How are you doing. Your posts are all so heart wrenching. Let us all here be a reminder that you can and will survive this. I so remember the early dark days.  There are many ripples in this ocean of grief but you will meet and take on each ne of them.  Remember we can’t side step grief, we have to meet it head on....but you are never alone...we are all here for you.  Luanne

 

Luanne...Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

KJs mommy.  You have so much on your plate.. I’m so sorry for your miscarriage.  Is there anyway your doctor can write you off work for awhile, you surely need it.  Keep on talking to us, we are always here.  Take care luanne.

 

Luanne... Kira’s mama

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia.  How did kyles first day of school go?  Yes bitter sweet to feel joy for Kyle, and sadness over remembering Nique.  Overall are u glad u moved?  I know some people think if you move u are just running away from your problems, but I don’t. We will carry our precious girls with us where ever we go, and for me a fresh start in a new place was a good thing.  I never felt Kira leave when she died. She was in the shower and I was downstairs in the kitchen but never felt anything.  Guess it is different for everyone.  But I so believe are girls are with us now, every step of the way.  Are you near a beach in Florida.  It must be nice.  A lot of Canadians go there for the winter.  Take care Luanne

 

Luanne...Kira’s mama

[NiquesMom]

Luanne, Florida is beautiful.  We are about an hour and a half from the ocean,  have been twice since we moved here.  Kyle likes school,  it's been 2 weeks and we are starting to get our routine together.  He made me very sad today. We were in a store looking at toys,  and he says "I don't have a sister." I said yes you do,  he says "no,  she is dead. "  maybe I need to get him back in therapy.

How are you? Has your hockey started? I believe you are the one that loves hockey? My husband watches nascar and football but i don't really care for sports.

Trying to exercise more and eat better, trying to walk more days than I don't.

I like the new job. 

You are lovely to ask about everyone,  I struggle to remember what anyone typed. I read everything but my brain is mush sometimes. 

[PieceofCate]

Luanne, the airplane is a duplicate of Cate’s. It was symbolic of her love of travel and free spirit. The coordinates are the locations of all my babies birthplaces and the last one is of our cabin that meant so much to Cate where we will scatter ashes when we are ready. I have room to add coordinates of the places Cate wanted to visit and didn’t get to. I will add them as we visit and leave a little @PieceofCate on our quest for healing. Thank you for your always solid advice. I’m trying. For Cate. For Dave. For Lilly. For Caleb and for myself. This type of trauma is something that changes you. I hope that history will tell a story of a very strong and determined Momma who survived this most tragic event and made some kind of difference on this unkind earth. It gives me comfort to think of Cate and Kira dancing and doing all the good things now. Much love

[Tommy's mum]

kjmommy I am sorry you also lost this new baby it is yet another sadness for your family. Miscarriages are very common esp in the first 4 months I had one myself between my girls. Sometimes it just happens do not blame yourself. I agree with Luanne try and get some time off work you definitely need to rest and regroup yourself mind and body and soul. You have been through such a lot recently. Take care

onedayonemother not sure why you posted as you already have your own blog  etc and advise others?. I am sorry you lost your daughter. This is a site where we meet and share but it is also quite private. I hope you can reassure us that noone's words or personal experiences will be quoted on your blog without their permission? You are right we all have our beliefs. You have a strong connection to god. I am the opposite I was a believer now I hate him for what he did and refuse to set foot in a church or ever pray again. I am searching for a spiritual alternative. 

[KJs Mommy Always]

Luanne-Thank you for your response. I have too much on my plate as you said and I’m just ready to move on from IL and go to my next duty station already. I put in a compassionate reassignment request due to my son’s death and the Army is giving me a hard time with that. It just seems as though nothing is going right. All of my sadness is due to my grief but when outside issues occur it only intensifies my grief. If that makes sense. I just miss my beautiful little boy so much. I’ve gotten married to the father of my son since my son’s death and that’s pretty much the only thing that has gone right. I took off most of last week, and I think I need to go to work tomorrow and all next week at least to monitor my compassionate reassignment results. I lost the baby I was pregnant with before it could be seen on an ultrasound so it was a very early miscarriage, and the pregnancy was only confirmed via pregnancy test from the doctor. I haven’t allowed myself to grieve over the miscarriage because I’m still grieving my baby boy. I know that sounds bad but it’s the best I can do right now to avoid falling into another deep dark depression. I’ll try again when my body heals and hopefully the baby sticks. 

Tommy’s mum-I agree, I do need to rest and try to regroup. I think that being at work keeps my mind occupied to a degree. I think I’ll be ok to go back to work tomorrow and if I’m not, I’m going on leave again and I’m staying home. I know you may not want to read this, and I’ll start off by saying that I know you’re hurting and angry with God at this time but I hope that you find your way back to Him. God doesn’t hurt us and he doesn’t take our children away from us to prove a point. He loves you and your son. Your son is in heaven with God, and I want you to go there to be with him when it’s your turn. You know we are simply passing through on this Earth. We must all leave one day. I’m not a super religious person at all, and the last time I went to church was the Sunday after my son passed. However, I do pray and I’m going to pray for you, and all of us on this site. My heart hurts for us all. All of you ladies make me happy when I come on this site because I’m surrounded by so many women that love their children more than life itself, even after their death. I love all of you.