Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Devianz, two years is a long time to not be with your sweet Son, a lifetime ago in many respects...but he is not without you, he carries you with him all the time, same as you do him. Hold on, these benchmark times are very hard on ones soul.

[Tommy's mum]

so a funny sign from my boy today. It was a horrendous morning that had me in tears. My computer battery died, my cat threw up all over the floor and I struggle cleaning up puke, I lost some paperwork I needed and I have been having my internet keep cutting out for a few days. Finally got through to the help centre for my internet provider and after a very long call and unplugging and plugging leads in he told me I have to leave the ethernet cable in all the time which means I have to sit on the floor to use computer. He also said that wifi was not guaranteed! I had a fit and was very sarcastic with him since I am paying for a very poor service. I now have to put in the network key every time its a pain in the arse. I am not technology minded and things like that leave me in a spin. I made a cup of coffee and sat on the floor and bawled. Just then my computer which is usually on mute started up and played a loud screamo song exactly the kind of noise passing as music that Tommy loved and most normal people hate. I jumped in surprise and then began to smile through my tears. It was a signal from Tommy telling me he was still there. My day is now lighter, thanks son.

[ericasmom]

Hooray for Tommy, helping his Mum on the floor, honestly Lesley, that Boy sat with you. I love the spirit of Tommy. Keep that light in your day Sweetie.

[MargeeTx]

Afternoon everyone:    Thanks for all of your kind and heartfelt comments regarding Yo-Yo's suicide.  The word on the street is that she hung herself. Again, I cannot fathom what her family is going through. Yo was surrounded by caring, loving people at work---whether it was a nurse, chaplain, doctors, etc. I throughly enjoyed working at hospice for about 10 years....there were days when we would admit 50 new patients and on the same day, have 50 to die. Tough health care work, for sure.  

Today, we have cloud cover--- no rain yet, but at l

east it isn't 106 like yesterday.  I got outside and puttered around the yard and plants, and hallelujah, no A-FIB today.  So I guess the $800/month medication (donut hole) is working.  I never qualify for any $$$ assistance because of our income.  And yet, our bills stil come every month.  I would love to testify before Congress on our healthcare situation.  Didn't mean to get on a soapbox.

sending love and hugs to you all............

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Hello All, I am sending gentle thoughts your way. To the newbies, I found this web site by Carol Kearns, who was mentored under Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, pioneer in the hospice field. I read it very thoroughly when I first lost my adult son, Jesse David.

http://www.carolkearns.com/kristens-legacy/overview.html

I had a lot of signs indicating he was going to leave that year, and know that life continues on. That and my studies of NDEs and also of church mystics have helped to make the way through until today. I still don't like the life I have, nor do I think it right -- or just -- that my two beautiful sons died, Jesse David (2012) and Taylor James (1987). 

Jesse told me that year that he felt his life was not going be long. 3 days before he was killed, he called me over to his house on a small errand only to tell me for certain, His life was going to be short. 3 days later, a girl ran him over in his own lane. 

Why some people get to suffer and get their life cut short -- so unfairly -- I do not know. I only know life continues on beyond the here and now. 

I am also including Mary Neal's NDE, who also had a son loss. Her perspective is different because she got to experience that heavenly place. 

 

[PieceofCate]

I have been searching through the internet for any small measure of comfort since my Cate Pearl was killed in a hydroplaning accident involving a semi truck April 21. We had her memorial on her 23rd birthday. I’m so grateful that I found this spot! I have read about different religions and their views on death and afterlife. I have read scientific research regarding our earthly bodies and how the cells are made of energy (which cannot be destroyed) in attempts to quiet my panic. We were very close. She had just left my home an hour before the accident. She is my baby girl and even though I believed that Cate was safe, happy in the spiritual world. Heaven if you like. I don’t know where that is. I wanted to KNOW where my baby is. What she experienced when she crossed over. I have had no visits or dreams. I’m probably not ready yet anyway. But I do feel her telling me a few things often. It comes quickly and I feel a very brief feeling of warmth and wellbeing and she communicates only a couple things repeatedly. 1.) She is where she should be and she is never far, like just around the corner waiting for me and that I will see her again.  2.) everything will make sense to me one day.  

I read the same messages from NDE accounts and many other writings about death and the afterlife. It is fleeting comfort but always in the nick of time and allows me to function a little while longer. I can only think in terms of hours or maybe a day or two. I cannot imagine months and years. I feel like something is trying to tell me that my human mind cannot understand time and space as my Cate now experiences it. Cate once said that “we are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” She said many insightful things that looking back makes me think that her soul was more mature than the rest of ours. She always loved the underdog. Huge heart for homeless persons. Her friends and our family started a fund and we are nearing completion of a children’s area for arts and music at a local shelter. As well as pet rescues. It helps me stay focused on Cate and her life and legacy. But only on days that the panic and pain doesn’t disable me completely. I hate that there is even one other parent who has to carry around this knot in their gut and the pain in every single cell of their bodies. But this forum is helpful and I am grateful for each one of you. Much love. 

[PieceofCate]

I write about my Cate so easily. I talk about her with ease and constantly. I really want to talk WITH her. I have tried. It does not come easy. I end up crying and asking the same question. “Am I doing OK?”   I know that I will be able to be quiet one day and just talk to her. I’m just not ready yet I suppose. I have sent her several texts. Strange since she always preferred talking to me on the phone to texting. I think that right now I just have this need to tell everyone, everywhere about my girl. Everyone needs to know about this fabulous girl that lived and died and left such a massive hole in this world. I need everyone to know that she loved every soul that she encountered. That she honestly tried to help everyone in her power. She believed that every one was basically good and fair. She knew that given the right circumstances that even those who would hurt, abuse or wish her harm would go on to do things and be good people if they were only shown goodness, fairness and generosity. How I hated to watch her suffer when she would be disappointed by people. Whether it was having her purse stolen or a drunk driver hit and run. I was always focused on replacing her lost or damaged property and making her whole again so that she could continue on with life with little to no inconvenience. Cate Curtis? She was focused on her faith in humanity. That whoever had taken her purse needed it more and good would result from it. That the drunk driver was suffering and just needed a break in life because he wanted to do better in life and maybe this specific incident that left her without a car for weeks would be the catalyst for him to get help. 

This is the Cate that you all need to know and understand. She believed in every single one of us and in our power to do good things. It’s why I cannot stop talking about her instead of to her because she knows all this. But we don’t. 

I so wish that I could have understood and appreciated her enlightenment at the time. But I do now and I feel like the last thing that I can do for my CatePearl is to tell her story. 

There is hope for us all. “Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid”

[PieceofCate]

Jesse David & Taylor Mom,

Thank you for sharing the article from Carol Kearns. I can’t express how much I needed to hear those words at this moment. I have been having quite an identity crisis and now I know what I always suspected, I will never be the same person I was three months ago. I will have to figure out what the future me looks like now and I believe my Cate will give me some guidance. Thank you again. Much love. 

[donnamaria]

Well i managed to clean the turtle tank i try to do one small thing each day 

[Tommy's mum]

pieceofcate she was a beautiful girl and I am so sorry for your loss. Here on this forum you are free to talk, tell us about your girl. Too often we find as time goes by then family and friends tend to stop talking about our loved one and we never do. Why? because they existed they were real people and they are still very much part of our daily lives until the day we die and meet them again. We are all forever changed and it is really challenging to refigure our lives and get to know the new person we now are. That takes a long time, Grieving lasts a lifetime but it will slowly get a little easier, the rawness subsides into more of a bittersweet sorrow. You are still in that awful first year, the year of counting the weeks and months since you last saw your spirit child, the first family celebration without them, their birthday, first Xmas ,Thanksgiving ,New year, all of those tough firsts.Here you will be understood and supported by parents who have walked in your shoes and who know your pain, anger and sadness intimately from their personal experience.We are all different yet in some way the same we are all bereaved parents. trust that Cate will support you. She is with you every day by your side even if sometimes it does not seem real. Signs are fairly rare in occurence, visitation dreams even more rare. Some of us have still not had one. You will find a way to talk to Cate she talks to you and communicates in a thousand different subtle ways. A parents love lasts forever. Take care

[PieceofCate]

Tommy’s Mum, you said just what I needed to hear at this very moment. I’m at home alone for an hour or two and that’s when I want to talk to her the most. And I do. And sometimes I can feel her. I need alone time and I feel awkward at the same time. I do believe that she sends me hummingbirds. Since the morning of her memorial while I was struggling to write her eulogy. Nearly every single day since. I have never seen this many hummingbirds. And I have always noticed the details. That first little hummingbird helped me write that eulogy. Catherine Pearl helped me deliver it. Thank God for this forum. 

[My girl is in heaven]

PieceofCate. So sorry for the loss of your precious girl.  I lost my 17 year old daughter very suddenly of a heart event 7 years ago.  Your description of Cate, sounds so much like my Kira.  Just a loving, caring soul always concerned for others.  I am so glad you heard Cate  telling you those things cause I absolutely know our angels are ok, and are together looking down on us moms lighting the way for each other. And you bet those hummingbirds are your girl..for sure.  For some it’s butterflies or dragon flies.  For me it is usually a little purple flower, but they are all signs from our precious children.  Remember too that time is not measured in heaven like it is here on earth, there are no days, months, years, it is infinity and we will be with them again someday.  I learned early on I was never going to get the whole again, so I have learnt to hang on to crumbs and slivers, just little signs, feelsings, odd coincidences, cause really that’s all us grieving moms can get.  I have received a lot more of them this year and my psychiatrist says I am now more open to them.  Talk to your girl, I do mine, they are still right there even if we can’t see them.  Come here tell us all about your girl.  You are held up and accepted right where ever you are on this journey that none of us want to be on.  No one will ever tell you that what you are feeling is wrong or you should be  at a certain place in your grief.  We are holding your hands and heart here.  Remember you never have to walk this road alone.  Don’t look too far ahead right now or try to judge where you are at.  Grief cannot be side stepped, but only taken on right thru the middle.  So know where ever you are at, it is where you need to be.  Pinholes of light will come here and there, there will be days when grief loosens it grip just a little.  But always ,  your girl is in your heart, no one can take that away.  Hugs dear friend.  

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[PieceofCate]

My girl is in heaven, I look forward to learning about your Kira. The insight and comfort I have felt since stumbling across this treasure of parents is remarkable. For the first time in three months I feel like I have a support system that really gets me, having traveled this before. My family is amazing but are all suffering the same loss at the same time and are really just barely hanging on themselves. Something you said about grief being taken right through the middle made me look up this image from Cate’s Instagram account. She posted this about a month before her accident. I lack the words to express how grateful I am to have found this place. Much love. 

[MargeeTx]

Hey everyone:  First:  CATE is beautiful.  Thank you for telling us ya'll's story - boy, that makes me sound like a southern hick, if anything does.

I realized earlier today what a fantastic, loving, caring husband that I have and how fortunate I am.   I also self diagnosed  my deeping depression, and how he is unwittingly helping me.  I have had some serious health issues since October, 2016.....short story: 6 ICU admissions, 2 heart ablations and 2 back procedures.  I worked until September, 2017, and finally retired.  RN since 1972....when nurses were NURSES!!   Lol  at one point, I had lost weight down to 108, and I am 5'11".  I looked like a concentration camp survivor.  Probably for the final 6 months before retirement, I was able to work from home as a case manager.  Through all of this ....when I was so dizzy/weak, Mike took over managing the house, meals, 3 dogs and 3 cats. I realized that the only time that I am not racked with painful missing of Jason, is when I am sleeping.  So, long nap every afternoon, than reading until I fall asleep again.  I have not given Mike attention, conversation, anything.  Yet, he still keeps telling me that I am going to be ok, that he loves me, and that " it will get better." When the A-FIB acts up, I am to drink 2 glasses of ice water and lie down quietly.  If symptoms don't improve in 30 minutes, then 911. I have an ap on my phone, Kardia, that sends EKG to my doctor.  Of course, since Mike is a retired police officer, he knows all of the local paramedics, firemen and police.  We are lucky.....there is a fire station 1.5 miles from our house.  Several times, they have been able to get my heart calmed down with IV medication and I have avoided the hospital.  

Why am I telling ya'll this?  I want to get OUT OF THIS DEPRESSION.  I am on 40mg of vitamin P ( Prozac) I know the sleeping is a direct avoidance of living a normal type of life.  

Many of you have functioned for years.  When can I expect to ever to be some type of normal?  I want a day, or a half day, when I am not obsessing about Jason.  

Please send me hope, words of wisdom, ideas, a cure.... something!

I thank God every day for sending me here the week that Jason died.

[NiquesMom]

I made it through legoland.  I was a mess last night,  couldn't stop crying,  asked Nique to help my heart not feel so heavy.  I took nique to legoland when she was 10. Its hard doing activities with Kyle that i did with nique.  So i was a complete mess last night,  but made it through today.  He had so much fun,  very happy little boy. 

[NiquesMom]

Cate is beautiful,  and i Am so sorry for your loss.  None of us asked to be here,  yet here we are.  I am  7 months in,  can't believe it's been that long.  Hang on.  

[NiquesMom]

Margee I know what you mean.  I think we are near the same time in,  and every thought has nique in it.  Not always sad,  but always there.  Sometimes I start to cry,  other times I just talk about her or to her. 

[ericasmom]

Cate is beautiful, a real stunner, and I am terribly sad for you to have this hole in your heart, though glad that you found this place. I lost my 19 year old Girl 15 years ago...those of us who lost our Baby/Babies long ago, we stay to show you that you can make it...it is doable, and it is very hard...there really is no way around grief, we have to go through it in order to find purpose and light again. I am a believer in signs and messages from our Angels, and that we will see them again. I am tired and going to bed right now, but one day soon I will tell you about a few of the ways Erica communicated and still does communicate with us. She too was a lover of animals, and always wanted me to give money to homeless when she was younger...she and her brother and I used to drive down to lower Wacker Drive in Chicago to deliver food and used clothes to those who lived down there under the streets of the downtown area. I had many signs and messages that Erica was not going to live long...those messages increased as time got closer...I will always miss my Girl, and I will always be grateful to be her Mom.

Virginia, I am glad for the fun you are providing your Son, and I understand the bittersweet of taking him to a favorite spot of Niques...I am pretty sure she was there too.

Peace all

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Cate's mom, I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. I am struck by the messages on her shirts. It was the first thing I noticed, Heaven is my home. There is a great group of parents that write on this forum...it helped me immensely during the first years. 

[PieceofCate]

Jesse David & Taylor Mom, Cate modeled for this t shirt company. The Light Blonde. All uplifting, inspirational. Heaven is my Home was her last shoot with them. I would have to double check but I was told among the last photos taken of her by this company not long ago. Looking back I feel like there were signs of her impending earthly passing. I spent more time with Cate in the last 6 months of her life than I had since before she moved out on her own. I have been blessed and I am grateful. 

[Tommy's mum]

margarett this is our new normal I am afraid but it is upto each one of us to take steps to add to a brighter future. I have suffered with depression for many years and it sucks it drains away enjoyment and leaves you feeling you are different from everyone else, feeling their lives are more fortunate and less of a struggle etc etc. But we only see what people choose to show, their public face not the inner workings of their lives which may also be really challenging too. Try to grasp some small enjoyment in little things appreciate the tiny things and keep hope, hope for a better tomorrow/week/month/year. Your garden is your haven where you are surrounded by Jason and the healing power of Nature go there to soothe your aching heart and weed out the anger and resentment and sweat out your frustrations. I have gardened until I have had blisters on top of blisters, wept whilst watering and ripped out weeds and cut back shrubs with a ferocity of anger. Then I can sit back after all the emotion and see the beauty, see the new growth and flowers emerging, the bees butterflies and birds enjoying what I have created. Life goes on, it is an endless circle of living and dying, hibernation and regrowth. Try to forge a path for yourself so that you can push against the sadness and negativity and grow towards the light. people who do not love the garden like we do will not get this but I know you will. Did you think of something to plant for Yoyo yet?

virginia you are doing such an awesome job creating fun and normalcy and love for your precious little man despite the inner aching for your precious girl. is the climate very different there in Florida? Have you got a start date for your job and what will you be doing? Fill us in on your new situation ok?

piecesofcate you are making steps toward finding help and support from those that know which is great. Reading articles and books to educate yourself on the grieving process is important in understanding yourself and where you are in a world that has changed before your eyes. grief can feel like a lonely road but we are here to help you over the bumps and help give you a better view ahead. did Cate have any siblings?  If so, how old are they and how are they coping? My eldest daughter made me laugh the last time she was down visiting. We went on a little road trip with my sister and ended up in a pretty little village with a beautiful 16th century church. I always used to look inside churches not because of faith but because they are interesting, but since my son died I just cannot go in any because my inner anger is at a god who did this to us. I know it is irrational but that is how I feel. Anyway Annaliese and Tam went in and after ten minutes come out grinning. I asked what happened and she said "Oh I lit a candle for Tommy because that would really piss him off! I light one whenever I am in a church . It's just what siblings do, wind each other up!" That is one of her ways of coping, sending a loving teasing message to her brother and also filling a need in herself to continue their sibling connection. We all do what we feel we need to do to keep that connection physically to someone very special who now has a spirit presence.

[MargeeTx]

Hello to all:    Leslie-  I am going to plant a pink pampas grass for Yo.   I have the perfect space for it. I wanted something different and something that I rarely see.

Thanks for bring me back into focus regarding my depression.  I need to give myself time to get through this.  The worst days are when I find myself obsessing about Jason-regardless of what I am trying to do.  As a mom and wife, I loved cooking for family and friends; and my gardening escapes; and I love crocheting if it is super-super complicated...have done needlework, and I LOVE my music.....all kinds.  

But, I think part of my grieving has been to keep to myself.  I haven't made the efforts to visit with friends....I usually just end up crying, damn it. 

And, then I realize that it has just past the 6 month mark....in the great scheme of life....6months is like a blink.  

I just miss him so much.

 

 

 

[NiquesMom]

Went out for breakfast.  The waitress gave my son a page of stickers.  They were her daughters and she no longer needed them since she went away.  She told me her daughter died 12/28, one week after my daughter so we are in the same place.  I gave my phone number to her if she needs to chat.  Told her I am going to try the support group out here if she wanted to go too.  Felt like we were meant to meet,  I hope she comes to the meeting.  Oh,  and she has my mom's name, Diane.

[NiquesMom]

Hugs margee

[PieceofCate]

Margee, I am Okie y’all  It makes me feel at home here. 

Tommys Mum, my son is 24. 14 months older than Cate. He is grieving in healthy ways from what I can tell. He lives in Texas but we speak nearly everyday. He really wants to be strong for me. He has made a huge noticeable effort to visit more often. At least once a month. Cate will be proud of him for that. Lilly is just 7. And she idolized her Sissy Cate. The last year the three of us traveled every other weekend to see my aging parents. Hotels, pools, road trips all the memories. I’m so grateful for that time with my girls. Lilly was in the car with me when I found Cate on the turnpike not one hour after we had hugged and kissed and said our long goodbyes in my driveway. The scene was devastating. I tried not to look. I knew she was gone. I never even asked. Just screamed noises no human makes as I tried to walk across the turnpike and my knees kept giving out. Cate had hydroplaned hit the median sending her airborne when hit by a semi with a full load. 46 years I’ve never seen a more devastating wreck. The debri field seemed to never end. I forgot Lilly was even with me until I heard (not with my ears but in my head) Cate tell me to pull myself up and turn around, Lilly is watching you. I see Lilly coming through driver’s side door screaming I want my Sissy Cate in frequencies that I have never heard. I immediately stopped as shock set in and held her and told her everything was going to be ok. Sissy Cate is with God now and she’s watching over us. That the kind of love Cate has for us is so special it provides protection. Someone drove us to family after that and it’s blurry. But I worry about what Lilly saw. We are going to Therapy once a week. She cries some. Less often but with more intensity. She sleeps and eats. She helped paint the children’s rooms at the homeless shelter that is in Cates memory. She picked out games and art supplies for those rooms. We adopted a puppy from a rescue and named her Penny Lane after Cate’s favorite movie character. I take her to help at animal shelters because Cate brought home every stray ever. Next I plan to write a book, organize a marathon and start a new religion! I want to do everything. I’m terrified that Cate will be forgotten. Even by Lilly. I can’t do enough. Some days I am satisfied that Cate is proud of what I’m doing and some days I just want to say “Ok. I’m doing all the things. Can I have her back now?!” I feel like I have a very long way to go. 

[ericasmom]

It is a long way, it will always be a long way, but it is a way, which is the good news. Lilly will not forget her Sissy, and doing work in honor of her sister is a wonderful way to help her find some peace in this terrible loss. Cate is proud, how could she not be? I started a fund in Erica's name that is used to provide whatever extra is needed for kids at the school where I teach...I am retiring after this year, so the fund will change gears after this year, but I am not all the way sure as to how. So the Erica Reith Fund has purchased swim passes for families, skate lessons, swim lessons, scouts, field trips, clothing, books and overnight camps, tutors, so many things that families could not afford and so the Fund does it for them. Erica went to the school where I teach, though I did not teach  there when she and her brother attended...that would have really been horrendous for Eri, who hated school and hated how much I love school. I talk to Erica everyday, just out of needing to say hi, or hey did you see that , or hey, is that you Girl? I just keep a little dialogue with her because I feel she hears me. I speak to her each night as I fall asleep...She would be 34 now, but forever 19 instead. My Son is 36, with two lovely children that I pore my love into like crazy, one named Erica, who is 5, the other, Michael, and he is almost 4. They live just blocks from us which is also just so lucky for me...Each year around the time of the accident, we have a big gathering in my yard called, Eri-fest. Every 5 years I have t-shirts made for it and everyone wears them. About 100 people come each year...so I mean it when I say, folks won't forget your Girl. Keep her name in their ears, her stories in their minds, she lives forever in the hearts of those who love her, we carry our children wherever we go, and they carry us too.

Virginia, how very wonderful that you met another mom with so similar a time-frame...hugs. Two Girls directing their Moms.

[My girl is in heaven]

PieceofCate. I too found my daughter already gone, she had collapsed in the shower , they think maybe her heart, the tub filled up so she drowned.  But I don’t know which took her first.  I have never seen someone like that before, but like you I knew she was gone.  My heart goes out to you having come upon that scene.  I so wish you and Lilly were not there to have seen that. I can’t even imagine.  I’m 7 years in and sometimes my mind wanders back to that scene, that day, but mostly now I think of the wonder place she is and I know Kira has found Cate, like all our angels.  Those two little lights shone so brightly for thier brief time here, they can’t help but be doing wonderful things in heaven.  My one son was ill for quite a time before Kira passed and I had felt guilty I had not spent enough time with her and just like you I spent so much time with her in the last six months.  Maybe that’s the way it was meant to be, us spending so much time with our girls before they were gone.  Please know what ever you are feeling or going thru is exactly where you need to be.  Don’t plan or look to far into the future.  I was told, one day, one hour and sometimes I couldn’t even do that so I would take one minute at a time.  Sometimes just stopping to breath.  I now try to tell myself to keep grounded in the moment I’m in.  I can’t change what I had for supper last night and don’t know what’s for supper tomorrow, but I can damn sure pick what I’m having tonight. Just tonight, just getting thru that one moment.  Sometimes it is so gradual, you hardly notice it, but there will be little pin holes of light that poke thru now and again.  Grief will loosen its grip every so slightly.  You will hear your girls voice, feel her presence and then those signs, sometimes few and far between but they are undeniably signs from our angels.  As time goes by you get more open to experiencing them and they are a great source of hope and comfort.  Keep on trudging thru like you are.  Remember we have all been thru the worst thing imaginable, so we can handle anything.  We are strong nest when we are reaching out and sharing with each other.  Please know you are loved and cared about here.you are not walking alone dear friend.

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia.  I think something special happens when we are brought together in this journey, meeting others who travel this road.  There is an undeniable bond that we share, one that no one could understand unless they walk in our shoes.  I applaud you moms who have to carry on with younger ones, trying to make life as normal as you can for them.  I love the pictures of you and Kyle smiling. Do you find a big difference being in a new place.  I know I did.  Nique is with you no matter where you go.  So has your new job started yet? That will be so nice for Kyle starting at a new school with a fresh start.  Sounds like things are getting a wee bit better for you.  I hope so.  Hugs.  Luanne

Margee.  Yes depression is a tough one to battle and you do need time. But just remember every time you pull yourself out of that hole, you are a little bit stronger than the last time.  I would have obsessing thoughts of Kira too, but instead of trying to block the thoughts and memories out, like I did for so many years, I learned to lean into them. I just decided one day I wasn’t going to run and be afraid anymore.  Just like stopping dead in my tracks, turning around and looking grief square in the face, ok bring it on. And suddenly it wasn’t as scary anymore. You have a wonderful family there standing by you.  I let a dr give me so many pills for years.  All I looked forward to was 8 pm , cause that’s when I took a whole bunch of pills and in exactly one hour I’d be out for the night.  Aw yes, no pain, no grief, no tears.  But after many years of this cycle I realized it was still right there waiting for me every morning. So I too looked to sleep for being out of my misery.  Rest is good, but just don’t ever let it replace working thru your grief.  You are only six months in, so be easy on yourself.  Remember you are doing this in a way that is right for you.  I’ve always wondered  how hot does it get in summer time in Texas?  Keep on holding on...you are never alone.  Luanne

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Devianez.  I’m so sorry you are going thru bad time.  I was so hoping you hadn’t posted because you were doing much better,  I can’t imagine having to wait for a trial.  Do you know when it might be.  That will be hard, but keeping coming back here, let us pick you up when you stumble.  Do you have a lot of friends and support on your end.  You will always have that here.  Keep coming back, tell us what’s going on, we will walk thru it all with you.  Hugs . Luanne

Donna Marie. I hate to see you torturing yourself with the guilt of not being right at victors side when he passed.  You were an amazing mom, you were always there for your boy.  I was not with my daughter when she took her last breathe either, but our kids died knowing how much thier mama loved them.  God knows what was in our heart that day and still is which is nothing but love for our babies.  Victor does not think you weren’t there for him, he went when god called his name and it doesn’t matter where his mama physically was when he passed only that he felt her love all around him.  Give your self a break from that old guilt thing.  Let the wonderful memories of your boy and the feeling that he is still close be what shines thru.  Tell me about the sports team you and him liked.  Of course cause I am from Canada I only know hockey teams.  What was the name again and what sport was it.  Wishing you some peace and relief from your grief.  Stay strong.  Luanne

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

 

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Missing my little man.  The what if’s and whys will never be answered.  Search every corner of world and you won’t find them. Cause there are no answers here on earth to find.  As I have said a while ago, if you got a flat tire, you would ask why me, why when I’m in a hurry, why isn’t anyone else getting a flat tire?  So bottom line....FLAT TIRES DONT TALK.  Don’t torture yourself friend....some things just are.

Brandans dad.  How are meds working.  I am on the same one and best one I have ever been on.  Hope you have time for a nice vacation this summer.  Let us know how things are going. 

Sadly there are so many of you new parents.  But this is a good place and with parents who totally get where you are and we will always be here to hold hearts and hands.

 

tomorrow is a new week, I hope you all find even just a tiny bit of light to get you thru.  Just look , listen, be open....our angels are everywhere. Hugs to all

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

I love quotes.  We post a lot of them here.  Here are a few I refer to often.  I hope they help some of you.  

Life goes on, whether you chose to move on and take a chance in the unknown or stay behind locked in the past, thinking of what could have been.  

As I progress thru my grief journey I will love myself enough to respectfully remove those people, events and places that do not support my healing and proactively replace them with ones who do.  ........boy, I sure used this one a lot. 

If you can’t find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.  

Stop  planting flowers in peoples gardens who aren’t going to water them. 

When love is lost do not bow your head in sadness, instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has gone to heal.  

Luanne, Kira’s mama

 

 

 

[PieceofCate]

Luanne, I just know that our girls have found each other.  I feel like Cate is orchestrating my journey right now. I went to Florida one month after losing her. I was with a friend but the first time I had traveled without my family, ever. I needed to be alone and I spent my days carrying around a 5x7 of Cate walking the beach or next to me poolside. I met exactly four women during my stay. Everyone of them grieving recent losses of children except one lovely widow. We had a little support group every evening. Maybe a coincidence. A very fortunate one for myself being the newbie to grief. 

I love quotes too! And I have been on a famous Wizards of literature kick lately. 

“There is this place called Heaven, where the good here unfinished is completed; where the stories unwritten and hopes unfulfilled, are continued.  We may laugh together yet”  ~J.R.R. Tolkien

[PieceofCate]

Missing my little man,  I will soar into a panic about every other day now because I NEED to go find Cate and bring her home. My human mind cannot comprehend the peaceful spirit world that is her home. And no one can tell me GPS coordinates and if I know anything right now, it’s that my Cate is in this perfect place. But I’m her mother and I want to know where my kids are at all times. Cate has told me in a non physical kind of way that I cannot describe as anything other than a feeling, epiphany or sudden awareness, that “I am not far away, just around the corner and we will be together soon and at that time everything will make sense” These words wash over me when I’m super desperate and confused. I know that Cate didn’t live and die on this earth at the age of 22 for nothing.  I am trying to trust her and know that it will all make sense someday. It’s the only thing that comforts me at my lowest moments. Much love. Your Little Man is near and waiting for you and someday it will all make sense. 

[PieceofCate]

[NiquesMom]

Thanks everyone,  I start my new job this Wednesday,  I have been trying to have a little vacation with my husband and son because once I start work I don't know when I will get a day off.  Kyle starts summer camp today,  and I think he will enjoy it.  Going to take my husband looking for a job today and tomorrow. 

So at 3:06 this morning I woke up to the tv on,  very loud.  What was weird about it is that we were not logged in (we stream tv through the computer). The log in screen was up but I could hear the show.  Think maybe nique was trying to get my attention,  always told her subtle doesn't work on me,  make it big and loud. 

[Tommy's mum]

virginia yes our kids are from the technology age so they can use it to contact us lol! Yep Tommy does stuff big and loud too, always did. One of the things he always did was constantly drum with his fingers on any table all the time drove us nuts! he did not even realise he was doing it, a symptom of his ADHD. Now I kinda miss it......

piece of cate our children are always nearby yet also at the same time so far away. Louann once said that time is totally different in the spirit world that makes sense. I also absolutely know with every fibre of my being that we will all be reunited again one day. As Mums we all created their lives, grew them inside our own bodies and had heartbeats in synch, we will never be apart there is an invisible bond that connects our earth and their spiritual world. I am glad your son visits more often that is important. Lilly is not too young to ever forget her sissy cate. You will not stop talking about Cate and incorporating her into your daily life like before, and Lilly will always have a big brother and sister. keeping her busy is good and therapy will help her adjust and accept that she has a spiritual sister. I love your enthusiasm with future plans and am intrigued by the new religion bit what does that involve? Cate is proud of you already she knows that her loss has knocked you to the floor but that you will get up again and again to make a life again for her dad and siblings. Stay strong

lou your words are wiser than you know and supporting others whilst dealing with your own life changes and grief is not easy. You are doing great!

Truer words have never been said Dee, "we carry our children wherever we go, and they carry us too." 

 

 

[Somersky]

Well... I got another tattoo to commemorate Skylars second year Skylar loved the fable of the “dreaming tree” and always wanted a picture for his wall but he passed away before I could get it. Skylar here is good dreaming tree/tree of life! The script is from Isaiah 41:10 and it was onthe back of his service pamphlet... it is encouraging. The other day a friend of Skylars who was on a basketball scholarship in Nebraska sent us this.... a picture of a tattoo he also had done

“Hey Dave. I've debated back and forth on whether or not to show you this but I feel like I should show you how great of a son you raised and how much he's impacted my life. Even though Skylar was a year younger than me I always looked up to him on and off the court. Whenever I'm having a bad day or feel like I can't do something I think about him and power through it. I can't even imagine what you and your family have been through these past couple years but I wanted to let you know that I got this done a few days ago out of respect for Skylar, you and your family. Skylar will never be forgotten I've debated back and forth on whether or not to show you this but I feel like I should show you how great of a son you raised and how much he's impacted my life. Even though Skylar was a year younger than me I always looked up to him on and off the court. Whenever I'm having a bad day or feel like I can't do something I think about him and power through it. I can't even imagine what you and your family have been through these past couple years but I wanted to let you know that I got this done a few days ago out of respect for Skylar, you and your family. Skylar will never be forgotten” 

Just thought I’d share.... big hugs to all of you taking it day by day ... hour by hour ... sometimes minute by minute but we will get through.

[Missing my little man]

Thanks Tommymom its been a few days since i wrote here. It's been hard and i just feel exhausted most days. I feel drained all the time.

[Tommy's mum]

missinglittleman exhaustion and can't be botheredness is really common in grief, even things you would automatically do or know you need to/have to do become kinda pointless. Burn-out.  I know those feelings intimately. It will be 3 years for me in Aug and already I feel myself slipping slowly. Save your energy for things that are most important, and allow yourself some space to "just be" it is ok. No one is superman/superwoman all the time. just read and feel included and post when you can.

somersky that dreaming tree tattoo is awesome I love it. The basketball tattoo is a loving memorial from Skylar's friend and is really nicely done. How nice to write you, you are good parents. Still have not got one myself yet but several of Tommy's friends have his tattoo which reads "Strength through pain". Those words are so prophetic and i try and remember those words when I am struggling.

[ericasmom]

Love the tattoo Somersky, it is lovely, both of them actually and what a great friend to Skylar and to your Family.

Exhaustion is par for the course Missing little man, it is unavoidable and so you must tend to yourself well.

[MargeeTx]

Louanne:  You asked how hot it gets in Texas.   We just finished 9 days of over 3 digits ..... today is wonderful at 95.  I am waking  up from my afternoon escape nap. Then I get a shower, usually watch Mike eat dinner, then I may watch PBS or listen to music/ read and wait for the sleep escape again.   You know you are depressed when your own routine feels useless.  I am not really sure how I want my life to"be" right now.  I am going to shave my legs today though......  I noticed 1/2 inch hair on them yesterday.  For over 40 years, I dressed to the nines every day, went to work, never stopped.  Now, I honestly believe that I could become a complete hermit. I have no desire to go any where, or do anything.  Just leave me alone.

[Somersky]

Strength through pain....I know it’s tough... and sometimes we can’t see the end ... but we have to remember the sadness will pass. I may even be writing this to convince myself lol but I try everyday to live without Skylar and not to make the memories of performing CPR on him or saying goodbye to him the “headline”! I entertain it but try not to dwell on it. Margee maybe you can plan something ... maybe a trip? Something to look forward to. We are here for each other... I am so thankful for that.

 

[Missing my little man]

The other when i get home from work at 5:00p.m i was so exhaust, 8 slept untill the next morning. Is that normal?

[ericasmom]

Missingmy little man, it is normal for you right now, is it normal for other adults your age? no. What you put out in energy trying to wrok through your grief and find ways to live and pretend you are okay while at work...well it is ten times the energy needed for folks who have not lost a child. Talk to a doctor though, you may be also physically compromised, needing more nutrition or some vitamins, you may be anemic, you may also have big old depression which is very tiring or you may be facing grief and you are mourning which tires us out. I always advise parents to see a doctor to get a check up just in case there are things that the grief has caused...our immune system gets bashed by grief. Are you drinking water througout the day. You need to. We forget about our thirst and sometimes our hunger when we are sad, so pay attention. Are you eating at a scheduled time each day...so your body has that to depend on...a bit of carbs and protein breakfast and lunch and dinner?

[ericasmom]

Kristen, I love that quote about grief being love with no where to land...

[Missing my little man]

Thanks Ericasmom i will try my best to do better for myself from now on. On days that i feel like I'm ok i eat a healthy diet, on days that i don't i would a whole day with just one meal.

[Tommy's mum]

missingmylittleman I have those days too and I am nearly 3years on. Grief lasts a long time and has many different effects on the body as well as the mind and spirit. Also how life goes after the loss makes a difference. If you are grieving then things you normally take in stride can throw you off more easily because your defences are lowered. That just makes life a bit tougher stay strong.

margarett I cannot take pride in my appearance at all, never wear makeup and wear slouchy clothing but I cannot work yet so am just at home. Also no significant other to impress! Try to make the effort once in a while and eventually it will come back and you will feel the need to be yourself ok? You are just beaten down at the moment totally normal for where you are right now.

Tomorrow is my boy's birthday and I feel sad of course. I will spend it by myself and just reminisce over happier times

[daniellemom]

It's been a long time since I have been on this site.  I wanted to say hello.  I will join in if everyone is OK with that.  

[NiquesMom]

So I made it through the first day at my new job.  Nique was in my thoughts all day. I did not say anything about her,  i avoided all conversations about kids today.

[Missing my little man]

Everyone is here because they have a story to tell i hardly think you need anyone permission to join daniellemom. Sorry for your loss. It's been 9 months for me. How about you?