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Felling a little happy made me feel guilty


Sammijo2424

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Sammijo2424

Today was an od day. I got up and went to church, had to make sure my brother in law and sister in law were gonna be there or I could not go and sit By myself. Well, I cried thru most of the service, but then got better, and glad I went. At our church we started setting up scholarship funds for kids in our church who don't have money for college. I set up a scholarship fund in honor of my husband which I felt really good, went to lunch with same brother in law and sister in law and that was good. Came home and took a nap, woke up with a strange feeling, I felt kinda happy, wasn't thinking about anything, just started cleaning up my house some and it felt good. When I realized I felt happy, I then had an uncontrollable guilt, how could I feel any happiness when my love was gone. So.....decided to go to walmart and just walk around awhile, 2 1/2 hrs and $400 later I left to go home. I had left phone in car and saw my hubby had not tried to call, my kids had not tried to call. I cried all the way home because of this. When I opened door to house my dog (a little poodle/bischon mix) darted out to door, he has a tendency to run, so off I go running after him, crying cause Ron was not there to help. I went back and got car and drove around the neighborhood, finally he just came walking up to car, I am still mad at him, had to take trash to road, was upset cause Ron was not here to do it, he always did it before, brought groceries in, by myself, Ron and I always went to store together, then it hit me....I am utterly and totally alone, then the dam of tears were loose, my daughter called and I cried to her for AWHILE and she finally calmed me down. As I say, a very strange day

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It sounds very "normal" to me, all things considered SJ. In fact a lot of what you said sounded very familiar - feeling guilty about feeling happy even for a little bit, feeling so alone, and 100 diff things setting off the crying. IMO you're doing fine, again given what and where you're at. Let it be whatever it is and give yourself credit for doing the best you can and just making it through that day. One at a time and all that.

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Everything you said is unfortunately part of what is now normal. Absolutely everything you do, like bringing in the groceries for the first time, will be so difficult. There are still many times in a week where I do/say/plan something without Jeremy and it hits me again. Time does help a little bit - I do not feel as much guilt for those happy moments. Just keep doing "the next thing".

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