Delayed grief after dad died? Normal?

[tim2201]

My dad suddenly and unexpectedly died a year and a half ago of a massive heart attack when he was 52. I was 19. It was the first bereavement in my family.

To make matters worse, about six months later my grandfather died and was buried right next to my dad. He had dementia so he never knew about what happened to my dad.

Up until about a month ago I felt like I was dealing with things pretty well. I didn't feel much grief at all and did not even cry once. I managed to return to university, get good results for the year, and even managed to get a summer internship after a gruelling interview process.

But for the past month I feel as though the grief has finally hit me. I have started thinking about my father all the time, but, whereas before I would not react to these feelings in any way, now I can do nothing but lie down and cry. I can't work and I find it very hard to leave my room and interact with other people.

I'm now in my last year of university but I'm finding it especially hard now living far away from the rest of family. Last year I managed to just coast through without thinking about much at all but now I can't stop thinking about what the future holds for me, and how I'm going to cope without my dad to help me along the way.

Is it normal to have such a delayed reaction to grief? It's like I was in a state of shock for over a year but now it feels like my whole world is falling apart around me.

Thanks.

[dsmurph]

I think so. My oldest daughter is in college and had to go back a week after her younger sister died. It has not hit her fully yet. I know it will one day. She had to go back to a full load and life there. I completely understand. She also has a passive personality and doesn't like to deal with real hard issues. But, something like this will make you deal eventually. Just know that you will get through. But, your life will be different.

Blessings, Debbie

[widower2]

There's no such thing as "normal." Everyone handles it differently. Whatever works for you is "normal." Let it be whatever it is.

[tim2201]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Debbie -- I would say I also have a passive personality. My mum has always said so. I told her that I dealt with the loss of my dad by just not thinking about it. Apparently she suspected it would hit me like this sooner or later.

I hear what people say about the grieving process and that everyone has to go through their own version of grief. But this is so intense I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's not only emotional pain but physical pain too. I wake up with an intense headache that lasts all day and my arms and legs feel so weak.

Also, I find it very difficult to take it easy. I've always been incredibly motivated and hard-working. One side of me scolds myself for failing to just carry on like I was doing before, even though I know how important it is to face grief rather than just sweeping it under the carpet.

[dsmurph]

For me, I take a natural herb to help me sleep, called valerien root. I can take it more if needed, to help my nerves. Do you have a health store around to ask about this? It may help you some. There are some good books out there about afterlife. One I suggest is, "Embraced By the Light, by Betty J Eadie. It helps me some to get an understanding. I gave the book to my oldest daughter. But, I don't think she has read it yet. She's not there yet. You can private message me if you need to talk. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Debbie

[wishingiwasinvisable]

I hear what people say about the grieving process and that everyone has to go through their own version of grief. But this is so intense I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's not only emotional pain but physical pain too. I wake up with an intense headache that lasts all day and my arms and legs feel so weak.

Also, I find it very difficult to take it easy. I've always been incredibly motivated and hard-working. One side of me scolds myself for failing to just carry on like I was doing before, even though I know how important it is to face grief rather than just sweeping it under the carpet.

I feel this as well. The part about feeling like you're losing your mind and failing to carry on like before brings on so much guilt and loss of self worth for me. It feels like I'm wasting my life, what they prepared me for and pushed me to succeed in, by sitting around crying and not getting out of bed. I, too, wish most days that I could just "suck it up" and return to the old me, but like you said, you have to make time to grieve. I'm just fully realizing that now, that I have to feel this all the way through. Just know you aren't alone in feeling like you do.