Loss of my mother - Cancer.

[dannyxxtyra]

I lost my beautiful mother two weeks ago today.

Most days I don't know what to do with myself. She was diagonosed with Lung Cancer a year ago this past Thanksgiving.

The cancer spread to her brain, liver, shoulder, and hip within three short months. The last time she was admitted to the ER for seizures

she told us that she was tired of fighting. That she was hurting to much to keep going.

On days when I miss her the most I feel so guilty because I know she didn't have the strength to keep going. I know that she was ready

to leave this place. I can't help but feel hurt that she left us, that she gave up.

My mom was my best friend and I can't get through the day without wanting to pickup the phone and call her. I can't think about the future without thinking about all the things I will no be able to share with her. We worked together before she got sick, so every time I pickup a file at work I see her hand written notes and I cry. I meet with clients and they ask about her and I break down.

When making all the arrangements I was so angry with her. She never made a will, wrote down her wishes, or made a POA. So when she was no longer responsive I was not only struggling with watching her slowly slip away but I was unable to take care of her bills, make plans or anything of that sort. My family wasn't very supportive and it seems as though they were fighting me at every turn.

I feel so guilty for having been so angry with her at the end of her life, and I pray everyday that she will forgive me.

[karebear]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know what you mean my mom is my best friend too. I lost my dad though not even a year ago and I too was there until the end. My dad fought hard and described that he didn't know how much longer he could go on, he said he couldn't feel his feet, then he couldn't feel his hands, this went on for what seemed like forever as he struggled so hard to get 1 more breath. I prayed that night that the Lord would take him, my sister told him to go to Jesus that it was ok, but he kept fighting, wanting just a little more time with us. I am telling you this not to make you feel bad but to let you know that everyone dies differently. What I imagined happening was what happened with your mom and when it didn't it took its tole on everyone. I cherish those moments and yet they are my living nightmare. Almost a year later and I can't stop crying because of how it was at the end. Sometimes it is a blessing if they let themselves go, they know what they can take and I don't think I would want to go through that kind of pain. I am a paralegal so I had my mom and dad draw up POA, PD and wills the year before. I agree that everyone should have these documents. It helps those left behind to know their wishes and to be able to deal with things.

I too know the pain of missing my parent and I don't think it is getting much easier as time goes by, or at least for me it hasn't yet, but it is important to surround yourself with support and realize that you have a right to feel this way for as long as you need. Your mom held and still holds a special place in your life and your heart. She left not because she wanted to but because she couldn't go on anymore.

Anger is a natural part of greiving, we get angry at those who left us behind, angry at those around us for not understanding or helping, angry at our friends for not giving us the support we need, angry at life for not working out how we want it. Don't feel guilty about natural feelings. Just know that your mom didn't leave you because she wanted to, she didn't even chose the time she left you, it was just her time to go. Not a comforting thought but I believe that when it is your time to go, in those last moments of life you will see your mom and she will reach out to you to welcome you back home with a big hug.

Hang in there, you are not alone.

Karebear

[bethypooh]

I lost my mom on the 2nd,I know what your going through,yesterday I struggled,i was being mmean and rude to everyone to push them away. I too watched my mom go down hill at home and in the hospitals and rehabs,My mom also didnt have wishes or wills or anything,it seemed to be doing okay until somethings had been brought up.. now I am still doing the best I can,thats what "OUR" moms would want! Now the grieving is another story they would want us to live on and be happy Im sure.But HOW do we? Im lost I have this deep hole,a void...I cant plan anything ahead,when I think of the past I see every memory of her,i see notes for the store laying around and ive been keeping them.It hurts too much to just toss them! somedays Im so numb I dont even know what to do about it or even if i want to do anything about it...I push people away ,i hate the closeness like they want to help fill that void but its not going to work :-( need to talk let me know (hugs) your way...This journey takes my breathe away,my heart hurts,my thoughts numbed