Loss of my son

[Ducky]

Hello from a cold London, UK!

I just realized that I joined this forum back in October but forgot all about it and have not posted till now.

That doesn't mean that things have got better, just that my memory isn't what it was. In fact, nothing is.

It is now over two years since I lost my son and things are no better. I never expected them to be, despite what some people told me - "time is a great healer" and all those other cliches that well meaning friends trot out. I just wonder if the pain will ever lessen and the feeling of utter helplessness ever diminish? I just cannot move on. There is nowhere to move on to and no one to move on with. I lived alone with my son and that is part of the reason - all my memories are here.

To be honest, there is nothing left for me - I don't want to live but am too much of a coward to do anything about it. I am a Buddhist, so I know that all life is suffering, but that is no consolation to me. I do have friends, but, despite all their kindness, they are no replacement and are powerless to help. I have seen countless therapists, counsellors and physicians in the past but, again, none has been able to offer anything tangible. I feel guilty and angry, lonely and sad and, though I do have the odd moment of relief (when I manage - with great difficulty - not to think about my son), these are very short-lived. I talk to him all the time.

Thank you to those who have bothered to read this rather lengthy summary.

Ducky

[hotrod]

Hi Ducky

I am so glad that you remembered us and returned with your update. I agree, we will never "Get Over" the loss of our children." I found that I am just learning how to live again while I grieve.

I lost my only child, Stephen 6 years ago and still talk to him every day, remember his smile, miss his spirit and think of him every moment of every day. The difference from the early years is that it is not so painful. The memories bring me a bitter sweet feeling and a gratitude that he wa here and in my life.

I did not join this Board until after a year of his passing and I was a mess. Be very gentle with yourself You are still very new to grieving and next time you pos, t Click on the" loss of adult child" section and then click "Reply" . You then will connect with a number of lovely people who are warlking this difficult path

It is freezing here in NYC as well

In my prayers.

[dsmurph]

Ducky,

I think your feelings are valid. Our daughter passed Oct. 25, 2012. I and me husband feel like 1/2 of our hearts and lives are gone. I told my husband the other day that sometimes I want to die and be with Emily. He feels the same way. But, I know that my and his walk here is not over. We have to finish growing here before our time is up. So, we spend every day trying to do just that, learning where she is, and about our spiritual selves and afterlife. I have prayed that HE show me what I need to learn so I can go. Then I feel guilty because when I leave, I also leave my other 2 daughters and my husband. My youngest daughter is 6. So, what can I do? Pray and learn, that is it. I do hope to help others one day, with our experience. Right now, one day at a time. dsmurph

[Mom of Chip]

Ducky, I feel your pain. Our son lived with us the last 4 years of his life. He succumbed to pancreatic cancer at the age of 46. It seems so unfair. Now that he is gone there is a void in the house and everything that we do. It has only been a little over 6 months for us..I can't imagine how I will be in 2 years.

LIke hotrod said...visit the 'loss of adult child' threads...regardless of how old your son was..there are people there who understand your pain and will be there for you. Read some of the posts and you will learn how many of us are learning to cope with our losses. You can post all of your worries...your anger..your good moments and the bad ones...We understand. We will be there for you.

Love and comfort to you.

[Ducky]

Thank you for your replies - one always thinks one is alone and that it never happens to anyone else, but, of course, it does happen to everyone at some stage, it is just a question of when, how and why. You also think that no one can possibly understand what you are going through. I don't know if it is "worse" to lose a parent, partner or child. In my case, my son was adopted, but, needless to say, that doesn't make the loss any easier to bear. In some ways it is worse - as I made the decision to look after, support and care for him, and feel I let him down badly. He was an alcoholic and I couldn't get him to stop drinking. He didn't seem to care - he was also a Buddhist (he was from Thailand) and his attitude was very much one of Karma, what will be, will be. Many Buddhists don't fear death - it is just one inevitable step on the way to rebirth, their next incarnation. In some ways, it is something to celebrate - one stage closer to Nirvana. He always said he would come back as a dog. Some people have suggested I get a dog as a pet - rather flippantly - but living in an apartment in London isn't conducive to owning a dog.

Anyway, I shall look at the thread you kindly recommended.

Ducky

[hotrod]

Dear Ducky

My son was also an alcoholic and responded to the disease as your son did. I know that I did all I could, prayers, rehabs and , interventions to no avail. In the end it was clear that whatever his karma, he was not going to remain on ths planet any longer. I lived with him the last yearand although hard i am glad I did that

This is a dreadful disease over which you and I were powerless. You are a good mom and he knew you loved him

In my prayers