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I want her to be alive


alysonm

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[user=20463]butterfly13[/user] wrote:

perfectfan- You have a great outlook on life.I guess it will take me some time to get there-I'm still bitter.Most of my patients are 80 and over,my mom was 59 and my dad was 55 when thay passed away.I guess I just feel cheated out of ALOT of time with both of them.

nah but often we dont practice what we preach.  i get what you mean by feeling "cheated", it sucks when i see all my friends talking about their grandparents and all, cause i'm left with my dad's mother who is so sickly and weak.  i wasn't really close to her actually, but i believe the bond's still there.  my grandfather (dad's side) died before my parents got married.  my maternal grandparents (whom i was pretty close with) passed away some four years ago.  back then, i often saw my mum in tears looking sad and down, all i could do was to hug and comfort her that "you still have daddy and me", i never knew the feeling of losing the one who raised you up would feel until i lose my mum.  it sucks, the whole process sucks alot but honestly it's a phase that everyone has to go through, it's just sooner or later.  im glad i'm gifted with the experience earlier on.  life ahead may not be easy for us, but im sure we will get through it somemore, with or without support.  all in all, it's all our experiences that made us stronger for life.  i sincerely hope dad will live long :)  that's the only wishlist i have.

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butterfly13

perfectfan-I'm sorry that you too have had so many losses.I hope your father lives a long and healthy life for you.I'm having a terrible morning,my 5yr.old cat(my baby)died last night-no warnings.It really hurts because he was my comfort after my mom died,I cried so many tears while hugging him that his fur was constantly wet.It just adds to my heartbreak-my mom loved that catwhen things were going bad she would say"At least you have your little baby to hug".I wonder what she would say now?I can't take anymore sadness-I'm emotionally drained and disgusted with life!!!

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[user=20463]butterfly13[/user] wrote:

perfectfan-I'm sorry that you too have had so many losses.I hope your father lives a long and healthy life for you.I'm having a terrible morning,my 5yr.old cat(my baby)died last night-no warnings.It really hurts because he was my comfort after my mom died,I cried so many tears while hugging him that his fur was constantly wet.It just adds to my heartbreak-my mom loved that catwhen things were going bad she would say"At least you have your little baby to hug".I wonder what she would say now?I can't take anymore sadness-I'm emotionally drained and disgusted with life!!!

and maybe i add i lost my fave aunt, again to ovarian cancer.  mum died of ovarian cancer too, her mum has breast cancer but was a survivor.  so if i were told the next day i contracted cancer, i wouldn't be surprised at all.   in fact, i feel prepared.

im sorry to hear about the death of your cat, i have never own one before so i guess i cannot measure the full loss of one.  but i do hope you can find another replacement (even though it's not possible).  we have to understand every human being on earth will have to die one day.  and of course having a new cat will never replace the feelings you had with your previous cat, but i hope it gets better.

life is for celebration, be strong and brave!  do leave behind your email or msn if you need to talk to me.

we are with you =)

 

love,

perfectfan.

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butterfly13

perfectfan-Thank you for your kind words.Cancer also runs in my family(moms side)massive heart attacks on my dads side.I expect one will come my way eventually and the way I'm feeling I really don't care.I have been so sad and depressed for the last couple of months(since my mom got really sick and passed)and now with the loss of my baby(cat)it's just too much,I feel myself shutting down.I'm afraid to open my eyes in the morning-too much pain.I don't know anyone personally who has gone through these things-it's a very lonely feeling.Everyone around me has such happy lives,it's not fair(it actually hurts to be around them).Thank God for this website,it helps to know I'm not alone.

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[user=20463]butterfly13[/user] wrote:

perfectfan-Thank you for your kind words.Cancer also runs in my family(moms side)massive heart attacks on my dads side.I expect one will come my way eventually and the way I'm feeling I really don't care.I have been so sad and depressed for the last couple of months(since my mom got really sick and passed)and now with the loss of my baby(cat)it's just too much,I feel myself shutting down.I'm afraid to open my eyes in the morning-too much pain.I don't know anyone personally who has gone through these things-it's a very lonely feeling.Everyone around me has such happy lives,it's not fair(it actually hurts to be around them).Thank God for this website,it helps to know I'm not alone.

you're welcome butterfly13, i cant say i fully understand but i am going through but yeah i do get what you mean by very lonely feeling. it feels like crap, i dont know how am i gonna get through.  i wish we could all meet up in real life but it seems impossible :(

and to add on to it, i was thinking maybe i shouldnt break with my bf then cause he was the one who understands me the most. ugh, i dont know.  everything is just so shitty right now.

gah

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butterfly13

perfectfan-  I agree,it would be so comforting to meet up with everyone,to actually be around people that were feeling the same way,how comforting.My boyfriend is trying to understand,sometimes he gets me mad when he says"It's part of life,everyone has to go through this".I just want to scream"But I'm going through it now,and it hurts like hell".He doesn't understand when I just want to be alone.I'm not the same person I used to be,I will never be that person again.My life has changed forever.Everywhere I go,everything I do,reminds me of my mom,it's a constant pain that doesn't stop.I can be with my boyfriend and still feel so lonely-I hate that.

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[user=20463]butterfly13[/user] wrote:

perfectfan-  I agree,it would be so comforting to meet up with everyone,to actually be around people that were feeling the same way,how comforting.My boyfriend is trying to understand,sometimes he gets me mad when he says"It's part of life,everyone has to go through this".I just want to scream"But I'm going through it now,and it hurts like hell".He doesn't understand when I just want to be alone.I'm not the same person I used to be,I will never be that person again.My life has changed forever.Everywhere I go,everything I do,reminds me of my mom,it's a constant pain that doesn't stop.I can be with my boyfriend and still feel so lonely-I hate that.

I wish he was still there to comfort me when the nights get lonely, to hug me to reassure me that everything's gonna be alright.  Sigh :(  People and greed eh?

I agree, life will never be the same again but we are blessed to have our mothers' love, and yes through the tears, we will see strength alright?

Sweetie, we can do it! =)

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butterfly13

perfectfan-  Your words are very encouraging.I guess I am having an extremely difficult day,between wanting to pick up the phone and talk to my mom,and wanting to go and hug my cat,and realizing their both gone for good is making me crazy.Do you believe that our moms are really somewhere else?I also wonder if animals have souls,is my cat with my mom now?I try so hard to believe,but I'm skeptical.I wish I could believe with all my heart.I started seeing a grief councelor this week,she didn't help much,just agreed with me that I had alot to be sad over,pretty much agreed that my life is crappy right now.I will go back next week and see what happens.

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[user=20463]butterfly13[/user] wrote:

perfectfan-  Your words are very encouraging.I guess I am having an extremely difficult day,between wanting to pick up the phone and talk to my mom,and wanting to go and hug my cat,and realizing their both gone for good is making me crazy.Do you believe that our moms are really somewhere else?I also wonder if animals have souls,is my cat with my mom now?I try so hard to believe,but I'm skeptical.I wish I could believe with all my heart.I started seeing a grief councelor this week,she didn't help much,just agreed with me that I had alot to be sad over,pretty much agreed that my life is crappy right now.I will go back next week and see what happens.

at least a grief counsellor will be able to keep your emotions in check, i hope.  at times i feel like i need one, but other days i just cruise through them, haha.

yesterday (since its past midnight here) was my mum's 7th month death anni, and strangely everything just seemed to have gotten back to its normacly, people who used to be so concern about her stopped calling, they are so busy till they forget.. but tell me others just move on with their lives, but how do i life a life without a  mother, its never gonna be the same again...

ironically as much as i hate staying at home cause it reminds me so much of her and all, i still love my home.  it's the safest haven ever :)  

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butterfly13

perfectfan-You have been without your mom for 7months,it must feel like a lifetime,today my mom has been gone for 8wks.and it feels like forever!Already so many things have happened that I would love to talk to her about it's sad to think of how much life she will be missing out on.Truly it is just taking one day at a time,and every morning is another challenge.At night I say,'Wow,I can't believe I got through another hard,painful day without her."Unfortunately,their is another one and another one...forever!!Right now,I'm just doing what I have to do,I'm not really living my life-I'm just going through the motions to get by.Every day is extremely hard.

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Yeah, each day is a struggle and today just feels like utter crap.  I don't feel motivated to study for my upcoming exams and all I wanna do is to curl and sleep in my comfy bed, or just do sports whole day long.

I'm shrouded by this eternal darkness, but some days light shone onto my life and I think things might not be that bad after all.  Still, life will never be the same again.  A new chapter in our lives just begun, take a leap of faith and embrace it with open arms. 

Our mums are with us, always

 

with love,

perfectfan

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perfectfan~

I'm sorry I haven't been on this site for so long. I just read your reply to my post that I wrote a few months back. and that you replyed to about a month ago. Sad to report I still feel much the same. I actually ended up failing two classes.oh well right? I still miss her so incredibly much. It's been a year now since she died, just barely, in fact a year ago today was the funeral. I hate death. I miss my mom. It's so overwhelming to think I won;t see her ever for the rest of my life. How do I comprehend that? FOrever is not a concept that is comprehensible and in fact neither is death. How can anyone get that? It's late and maybe I;m thinking too much. Hope you're ok.

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Alysonm, I am feeling the same.  My dad died almost 3 weeks ago, and the thought keeps running through my head that I will never see him again, at least not in this world.  It's a concept that is almost too huge and too terrible to comprehend.  I just can't believe that he is gone forever.  You'd think I'd be able to handle this, considering that I lost my mom 15 years ago.  Actually though, that makes it even harder in a way.  To think that I won't ever see them again, it's surreal.  Three weeks ago today, I spent the whole day with my dad, and he seemed like himself...energetic, happy and fine.  He died in his sleep that night, and I still don't feel like it's real.  Then to have to tell myself that my dad, who was such a big part of my life, is gone forever...well, it's almost too much to bear.

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Tuxkeeper-

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. The last time i saw my mom was 5 days before she died and she also seemed fine, in fact she seemed better than fine, she seemed so happy, so much happier than she had been in a long time. SHe was so fun that day, so fun. I wish I could live that day a thousand times over, I'm sure you feel the same about the last day you spent with your Father. My mom also died in her sleep, well sort of I guess. She was sleeping and vomited and aspirated on the vomit. Supposedly, it doesn't make sense to me. I so badly want to see her again. I want to talk to her, I want to hear her voice, I so badly want ot hear her voice. I want her to hug me, I want to feel that embrace. I want to feel how I felt before she died. I feel so sad and numb and heavy, and just like I'm somehow different from everyone else my age. Most people my age have both of their parents. YOu aren't supposed to be 23 and motherless. UGH. I hate this. I'm so lonely.

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Alysonm, that is so sad and I can totally relate.  I would LOVE to spend the last day that we had with my dad a thousand times over.  We had gone to the county fair...it was my dad, my sister, my brother, myself and my one year old daughter.  My dad was his typical self, smiling, joking, and generally enjoying life.  How can it be that he appeared to be so fine, but in fact he wasn't?  It's almost spooky when I think back to that day (which I have been often), because it was such a normal and nice day.  We were genuinely enjoying ourselves, and not a single one of us knew how shattered our lives would be within 24 hours.  I'm so glad that our last day with him was a positive and happy memory, but I miss him SO MUCH.  I feel like we should have had another 10 or 20 years of good memories to make.  He was only 61.  It's so painful.  I woke up today feeling very blue.  Later on this afternoon, we are going over to my dad's best friends house for a Labor Day cookout.  His best friend and his best friends family have been very supportive and kind to us through this, and this was traditionally a weekend that my dad and his friend would get together.  So we are going to try to make the best out of a bad situation and just be around some people who were important to my dad.  I just hope I can hold it together and not be a weeping mess, although I know they would understand if I do break down.  Hope you're having an OK weekend, but believe me, I know it's not easy.  Grieving is one of the hardest things we can go through, and it seems endless, but I know there is a light at the end of this long tunnel.  I would know, because this isn't the first time I've lost a parent.  I never got over the fact that my mom died so young, but I definitely found ways to move on and enjoy my life over the past 15 years.  I miss her very much, and now on top of that pain, I miss my dad.  I know the pain will lessen with time, but it takes time, a lot of time.  I keep thinking, how can I be 32 years old and have no parents?  It's not unheard of, I know, but I personally don't know anyone in my situation.  I would give almost anything to have them back in my life.

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I spent this weekend with my sisters. I have a twin sister and an older sister, she is 34. My moms family was getting together today but it is such a long drive and with my twin and I being college students we just didn't want to spend the gas money to get there and it's always a little bittersweet because I love her sisters but it's also such a painful reminder of her sometimes. I can't imagine having both parents gone. Although my dad is not really in the picture and hasn't been since I was a teenager so at times I feel parentless, the pain of losing your father on top of your mother must be immense. you are so young too young to have experienced such loss. 61 is very young. My mom was 56. Indeed i too thought i had at least 20 years more with her, or more, I never thought of her dying before actually.

I hope your weekend is good in spite of the circumstances. I like being around people who knew my mom. I feel closer to her somehow. I have lunch with her best friend every couple of weeks or so and I look forward to it everytime.

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Feeling so sad today, can't believe it's been 9 months. I feel so weird about this 'time' thing...how can it feel like yesterday and 20 years ago at the same time? Sometimes I think about her so much in my waking hours that I can forget the sharper features of what her face is like... if that makes sense?? Now, just before I go to sleep, I often get a clear, very real image of her flash, literally, across my brain. It makes my heart jump.....I dunno, perhaps I'm losing it... I found that the reality that MY MUM HAS DIED has only just began to sink in, and the shock wear off, it's so scary. The flashbacks of when we found her have overshadowed everything, just haven't been able to think straight. 

Had to get these feelings down tonight. There doesn't seem to be any/many U.K. postings on this site. Think maybe you Americans are better at opening up your feelings! Anyway, I don't have anyone to talk to, so this site helps, thanks,

Jane 

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Jane - I know how you feel.  I feel so alone lately.  No one can seem to understand the pain I am feeling.  My Mom died almost 3 months ago and I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel like I am losing it most of the time.  I hate how life keeps going when the person closest to me is gone.  Sometimes I feel like I am losing the memories of her and then I will get the flashes of her face or something like you said.  life is just so unbearable without my beautiful mother.

Hugs to all.

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Oh my, God!  Your story is similar to mine.  The friggin hospital killed my Mom, too.  Except that she suffered for the last few years.  My Mom was 55 and they killed her, I believe.  She had begged me not to let them put her on the ventilator and I just brushed her off and said it would be fine.  It wouldn't be that bad.  Everytime she reached up to move the tube and mask off, my Dad and I would push her hand away and tell her not to move it.  We told her not to talk because it would screw up the suction...  I don't know what killed her, but something did and it was while she had the friggin ventilator on.  They didn't even know she was gone because the ventilator kept her looking like she was breathing and they disregarded the heart monitor.  I don't even know if she was alive when I got there...  I hate my life without my Mom, too...  I don't know how to live without her.

[user=19738]sadbeyondwords[/user] wrote:

Hi all, I lost my mother 8 weeks ago. I am new to this site. I am scared out of my mind to be here. I am scared to be without my mom. I hate my life now. I hate it more than words can describe. I feel like life is completely pointless- 100% pointless. I dont want to go on anymore without my mom. Everyday I wake up and I want to vomit as soon as I think that my mom is no longer with me. I cant take it. It just doesnt seem real. How is it that my once breathing mother is not here. The most beautiful, loving woman. I miss her so much. I am worthless without her. I dont see any point in doing work or succeeeding if she is not here to appreciate it. She was not supposed to die when she did. It was hosptial mistakes entirely. She went into the hospital for a minor procedure and they killed her. The fricken doctors killed her. She suffered so much in the hospital. I want to die thinking about how much pain she was in by the time she died. I hontestly do not know of anyone who has died so tragically.  it is not fair. She was helpless. She was intubated on a respirator, they made a mistake with the breathing tube and they had to put it down her throat 3 more times and she was never sedated. She had  tubes coming out of everywhere. She was in so much PAIN, she was crying but no one would give her pain meds. That is all I can remember, Her crying with tubes everywhere and she was banging her arm against the bedrail because she was in so much pain but could not talk because she had the tube in her mouth. It is horrible. Why my mother. no one else has experienced this. Only my mom. They never helped her at the hospital. They killed her. How can I ever live. She was not supposed to die. She was healhy. I am so scared. I think about what would have happened if I had never brought her to that crap hosptial. She would be alive. Oh my I feel like dying. They killed my healthy mom. I will never see her, hear her, touch her again. That is just wrong. That cant be. How can this be. I need her more than anything. I dont want to have any time on this earth without her. What is the point. She cant be dead. I am so angry. She cant be. I dont know what is the purpose of life. I hate the doctors. They were horrible. They treated her like garbage and these are the memories I am left with. My mother suffering in her last days with these crap doctors. How could this happen? Why did this happen to my mom.  
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my mom was ripped off in life - she was ill for so long and never rec. good care at all from all of the many diff. drs we tried --

i feel like we were both so ripped off - i dont want to live any longer either - i feel your pain - this happened 2 years ago in june --

i am not going to hurt myself but i want God to end it all and take me home

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