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Goodbye mom.


LauraLynn4608

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LauraLynn4608

I just recently lost my mother (back in january), and now for the first time since it happened I'm able to sit down and really deal with everything. Some may say my mom's death was expected, she has had multiple health problems as long as I can remember, but she always bounced back. This time, I took her to the ER on a wednesday night for severe shoulder pain (she has torn her rotator cuff) After getting in the ER they have her some narcotics for her pain, but the medicine lowered her blood pressure noticeably. Because of this they wanted to keep her and monitor her b/p, Thursday she was fine i spoke to her many times that day, but they wanted to keep her again. Friday i went in around 11 a.m. to visit her, and stayed until around 4:30. They said she had an infection (which was nothing new for us, being in her condition she always got infections) and that they were starting a couple antibiotics. The one thing I noticed while I was there was that when her machine would start beeping, it took at least 7 minutes before someone would stop in. Anyhow, I had a pretty nice visit with her but she got tired and asked that I leave as she couldn't fall asleep if I was there.

I went home for the night and received a call at around 4 a.m. Saturday morning, Mom's heart had stopped and it took 15 minutes before they got it started again. She was now on life support and moved to the ICU. They ran their tests, and later told us that her brain damage was too severe and people do not recover from trauma at that level. One thing that bugs me though is a specific sentence the doctor mentioned, he said "She could have had sleep apnea and maybe that's why she stopped breathing." My mother has had sleep apnea for years, if they didn't have her on a CPAP machine and she stopped breathing, it's their fault! Anyways, I kept her with us on life support until Tuesday the 22nd, so everyone had their chance to say bye, and so I could prepare some arrangements.

My mother was my best friend, and I know everyone says that but she really was, I talked to her almost every day, she was supposed to walk me down the aisle and help plan my wedding (although at least she got to be there for our engagement). She was the most selfless person I've ever known, she was always in pain due to her illnesses, but never shared her pain because she didn't want to be a burden. She always put her problems aside to help either me, or her church family.

It's hard, it's been almost a month since i've been able to hear her voice, and at this point I would give anything to hear her again. I'm getting to the point where hate everyone that still has their parents. My fiance not only has both his parents, but his parents are still alive and married. My parent have been divorced as long as I can remember, and i've always been closer with mom. But now anytime he talks to them I get frustrated, he was on the phone with his mom the other night for about 2 hours, and I hated him for it, because I would kill to hear my moms voice again. I know it's not anyones fault, but I see my older cousins who are grown, married, and have grown kids of their own who still have their mom, and the first thing I think isn't "oh at least I still have my aunt", its "it's not fair that my mother was the baby of her sisters and she's already gone." I hate feeling this angry with everyone, it's not who I am, I don't think anyone should be this angry at 23. I can't go a single day without crying, I feel like a time bomb just waiting to explode.

Everyone says "it'll go away eventually, it'll get better."

That's what I'm waiting for, the better.

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LauraLynn,

I am very sorry about the loss of your mom. Your picture looks awesome, and it's very obvious in it how much you two love each other. The anger is a normal part of grieving. It should subside. Please keep talking and sharing your feelings with others--it does help. No matter how a loss occurs, it is very hard to accept. Just know that your mother will always be in your heart and in your memory. She will always be with you in some way.

For now, just try to take care of yourself. Are you eating? Sleeping? Do you talk to others? Do you have family?

We will be with you,

ModKonnie

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BreathofAngel

(((((((LauraLynn))))))),

I offer my sincere condolences on the physical passing of your dear Mother. My heart is with you at this time, dearheart. I know things must be dreadfully difficult for you but knowing what you have been through already makes me feel that you can re-emerge well and with greater strength from this too.

I know it is most difficult when a Mother is gone not to hear her sweet voice again. One thing to recommend to people is to consider recording their Mother's voice at some point in time when she is still well so that later on they can have it to replay during moments of sadness or when they wish they could just hear her voice. They can tell her the purpose for the recording and just have her say whatever she would like if she is so inclined. Mothers are most understanding and it would most likely make them feel more loved and wanted enough for their child to want to do this in remembrance of them.

The hate and anger you feel seems to come with loss also for most everyone. I wish it were different but each person grieves in their own way, dearheart, but it's like you have said ".... it's not who I am, ....". Indeed it isn't who you truly are but again having to bear the loss of one so close to you and so dear is more than many can handle by trying to control their anger once they are gone. Instead, embrace your true self that surely wants to heal so that you can go on with your life as undoubtedly your Mother would want for you to do.

When I saw your picture of you and your Mom together I saw so much Love and light right there! It made a statement of true caring between a daughter and her dear Mother. May you feel the peace that passes all understanding very soon! Please also remember that Love never ceases to exist! It will always remain as a close treasure in your heart forever and those wonderful memories of you and your Mom shall live on and on throughout eternity. She is only physically gone but she is now there with you spiritually and her Love for you will continue until you can see each other again at your appointed time.

May God bring you many blessings along with peace, joy, and tranquility. Have a Beautiful day!

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It will dear. A wise woman recently suggested that I buy a pretty journal and everytime I have a happy memory of my Emily, I write it in my journal. That was one of the best ideas anyone has given me. I think it would help you to still feel your mom/ best friend right there with you. This is a hard and painful walk. Do what you can for yourself to hold on to the special times. Also, don't be surprised if you start getting little signs from your mom that she is still with you. What a blessing it was to have such a close relationship with your MOM. Hold on to all those wonderful memories.

Blessings

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LauraLynn4608

Thank you everyone for your consideration, the suggestions of people who can understand and relate to what I'm going through makes it a little easier. Most days are good, some days are bad l, and sometimes I get a day where I just want to stay in my bed and ignore the world. I miss her. I know she's gone but sometimes it slips my mind and I try to call her, and it's not until I hear the disconnected message I remember she's not around.

Right now life feels like a roller coaster of ups and downs.

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http://forums.grieving.com/index.php/topic/4052-feb-2-2013/laura when you get a chance read my post I also went through smililar thing..Just know they both are in heaven they were believers THANK GOD! Only way to heaven in Through Christ.My mom also went to church even when she wasnt well enough...(hugs)
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LauraLynn4608

Finally for the first time since january, I have my house back. Everything of moms that I kept is either safely tucked away, or placed in it's new home. It feels better to have a cleaner, less cluttered home. I think seeing all of her things just sitting in my living room or wherever only made it harder to grieve, it made me more angry because all I wanted to do was continue grieving, but I had to clean my home because of all the new things that were brought in.

Thank you for the journal of memories idea, i really love that idea. While right now the memories make me sad, and usually end up crying, i think down the road it will be nice to have all of them in one place.

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