Recent Loss

[pandorra]

Sillygirl, how wonderful for you to have reunited with someone. My parents neighbor met another man quite soon after her husband died. Everyone is different. I think its wonderful someone who you were familiar with came into your life again. Right now I can't even imagine being with another man. Just to torture myself the other night, I clicked on a SPAM i got about online dating. I clicked through all the men to see if I found anyone attractive and I started crying because no one caught my eye. None of them was JEff and I don't think I will ever meet someone that made my heart flutter from the first moment I layed eyes on him and still made me melt when he winked at me at the very end. I am so glad you had someone to spend your holiday with.

Everyone is different and I think I may even envy those of you who are able to meet someone new. Right now I think I may spend the rest of my life alone and it makes me so sad and lonely.

[lilith1]

I can say that I know exactly how you are feeling. Exactly! The pain is the worst. I've only been dealing with this for over a month. CANCER, I don't wish that on anyone, and nobody knows what its like unless you have a loved one that has it or has had it.

To Deepsighs51

I feel the pain my husband died 1 year and 1 month after finding out he had cancer On June 11th 2004.My whole life was what he needed I have no regrets.But I am alone at 47 the bounce isn't here. I have to try to start all over from square 1 and that scares me. There are times when I wish I could end it all.Other people don't understand the pain. I now know what cancer feels like cause I have pain all over. He was my partner, my best freind, and my soulmate for life.

[lilith1]

I can say that I know exactly how you are feeling. Exactly! The pain is the worst. I've only been dealing with this for over a month. CANCER, I don't wish that on anyone, and nobody knows what its like unless you have a loved one that has it or has had it.

To Deepsighs51

I feel the pain my husband died 1 year and 1 month after finding out he had cancer On June 11th 2004.My whole life was what he needed I have no regrets.But I am alone at 47 the bounce isn't here. I have to try to start all over from square 1 and that scares me. There are times when I wish I could end it all.Other people don't understand the pain. I now know what cancer feels like cause I have pain all over. He was my partner, my best freind, and my soulmate for life.

I am feeling exactly like you, the other day I went to the grave park the car and slept there, I too am all alone and a dark cloud hang over that I cannot get out off.

My husband died this November after 3 months battleling cancer, the picture of a man totally denuded of his former self is in my mind everyday

[sheranana]

Wow! I stumbled on this discussion about recent loss and cancer. On Jan 07 I called an ambu for my husband who was hurting worse than his usual chronic back pain from VietNam. I had tried for three nights to help ease the pain. Nothing worked this time. He'd had oral surgery in November, and those three days of pain he was experiencing [what we were to learn] was spontaneous bleeding, gums and nose. On Jan 08 he was diagnosed/w some type of leukemia. He visited with us in the hospital on Sunday, although he was sleepy from the pain meds. On Monday he crumped unexpectedly, and he died that evening. It was too sudden, unexpected, and I feel cheated. We had such a wonderful two weeks of holidays through Christmas. Christmas was so perfect. And, we were raising our six year old grandson, who misses his Papa terribly [the only Dad he had known]. The memorial service was Jan 14. We stumble and bumble around the house. Can time go any more slowly? My dear daughter is grieving, and we support each other. My son cannot even begin his process until June, when he gets out of prison. My husband was so looking forward to seeing our son after a long six years. Our son had made plans/w his dad.

I just don't know where to go from here. Finances suck. Life is like "on hold." I am more confused than a crying mess. I just don't know what I am. Thanks for letting me ramble on. Gotta fix supper. Blessings to all of you. Sheranana

[jimslove]

hello,i recently lost the love of my life to cancer on jan 20th,he was diagnoised on november 4th.he was my best friend and it was him and i and our 2 dogs and 2 cats,the hurt is so bad i dont know what to do.i never imagined my life without him,he was such a gentle soul and a great husband.i cant see any future i just exsist everyday i do what i have to and even that is so very difficult.the lonliness and quietness is deafing.to all of you who are going through this lots of prayers and hugs because we certainly need it the best to all of you

[sillygirl]

jimslove...I know what you are feeling and what you are saying. I lost my husband to cancer last Feb. 26th, almost a year ago. I still miss him today. I talk to him when I go to the cemetary and tell him what is going on with me and his 2 daughters. I couldn't see any future either but I can tell you, there is one, it just takes time. Don't try and hide or fight how you are feeling, just go with it. People will tell you that they understand but they really dont unless they have lived it. We all here understand it, we are living it everyday. Take one day at a time and live for that day. Your husband will always be with you and watch over you. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Take care.

[mundaquance]

Boozhoo Ahneeshnah (Hello, How Are You?!)

I want you all 2know i am deeply sorry and sad 2hear about your losses.

But dont look @ it as a sad thing, just look as it as a "SO LONG" i dont like to use the words Good-Bye Farewell... because we will see and be with them again, but its gonna be SO LONG until we see them.

I wouldnt understand how it feels 2lose a husband, because im not yet married but getting there. but i know what its like 2lose a best friend, a companion and a hero.

I lost my Grandpa (who was the world and more 2me) and I lost many others in my day (Grandma, Sister, Brother, Cousin, Grandpas and My Uncle 2Murder) And the one that hurt the most was My Grandpa Emerson, he was my hero and much more!

I tried everything and everyway to end my life, but then i thought (w0w! i'd really be making a mistake) but the way to get over them.. and to help think of them in a happy way is (remember the good times, the bad.. and silly) dont look at it as (i dont have my companion no more) because you do.

Everyday, in Everyway, they are looking upon all of you! Just hopeing and wishing you will set them free... and not hold on! they want you to be happy!

I took me 10years to realize that... can you imagine Ten Years of your life feeling (unable... and miserable shutting out every1 who loves you? and not taking a chance in life?) because of Depression...

Its really not a happy feeling either... keep you head up guys! everything will work out in the end.

Im only 18.. with a 4month old daughter... and im trying my best to experiance everything i missed out on! but i know i can do it... with her as my help! she'll show me everything i missed. and will be able to enjoy it with her

God Bless You!

JLS Mundaquance (Pretty Grrl)

[dgkelley]

I stumble accross this site. I lost my wife of 27 months an Jan 25 durning a a coronary artery procedure at one of the local hospital. She was 69, a second marriage for both of us. I was a widow for 10 years when we married. I don't think I can go thru this again, not sure I want to. Both of my wifes die suddenly, my first was only 50. I don't understand any of this. I'm having trouble writing, I will come back later. Don

[kach64]

I want to express my saddness to you all. I can somewhat understand how you feel and wish you all the best because I am going through it right now as well.

My better half passed away 10/6/04 after a short Cancer illness (5 months) - mostly in the hospital with 3 brain resections, one being an emergency.

We lived and worked together, so I miss him 24/7 both physically and mentally. He was my partner in life and work, I lost my best friend, my buddy, my right hand.

You are all right, no one understands unless they have gone through it, not my friends and not even my close family. Even others that have experienced death can understand what it is like to loose someone this close, loosing a husband or in my case, a fiancee - because we always wanted things to be \"perfect\", is not the same as loosing someone who was older. He was only 30. Who in their right mind would have thought I would be posting on this type of board at this time of my life?

I find myself talking to him at night. NO, I dont expect to hear his voice - but it comforts me anyhow. I try to tell everyone I am \"hanging in there\" but that isnt always the truth - especially when I am home alone or at bedtime - the room is now lonely and cold.

Time will heal - if I hear that one more time, I want to scream..... but I just look at it this way - I take it one day at a time. If I have to , I take it one hour at a time until I see him again. SOmetimes I just wish I didnt miss him so much.

I hope the Spring season will help us all - My heart goes out to you all.

[kach64]

I want to express my saddness to you all. I can somewhat understand how you feel and wish you all the best because I am going through it right now as well.

My better half passed away 10/6/04 after a short Cancer illness (5 months) - mostly in the hospital with 3 brain resections, one being an emergency.

We lived and worked together, so I miss him 24/7 both physically and mentally. He was my partner in life and work, I lost my best friend, my buddy, my right hand.

You are all right, no one understands unless they have gone through it, not my friends and not even my close family. Even others that have experienced death can understand what it is like to loose someone this close, loosing a husband or in my case, a fiancee - because we always wanted things to be \"perfect\", is not the same as loosing someone who was older. He was only 30. Who in their right mind would have thought I would be posting on this type of board at this time of my life?

I find myself talking to him at night. NO, I dont expect to hear his voice - but it comforts me anyhow. I try to tell everyone I am \"hanging in there\" but that isnt always the truth - especially when I am home alone or at bedtime - the room is now lonely and cold.

Time will heal - if I hear that one more time, I want to scream..... but I just look at it this way - I take it one day at a time. If I have to , I take it one hour at a time until I see him again. SOmetimes I just wish I didnt miss him so much.

I hope the Spring season will help us all - My heart goes out to you all.

[forance2]

Hello All, I am Bobs Mum. He crossed over 2yrs. ago in Dec. Today is his birthday. My grief is like a fresh cut, everytime it gets bumped, it opens up! Well today it is wide open.. I am also reminded of the words to a Garth Brooks song(The Dance). "I could have missed the pain, but i"d have missed the dance". I am forever grateful to hav been able to dance with my son for 35yrs! Peace to everyone. Peg

[darlene95602]

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME HERE AND WHAT I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT WOULD HAVE BEEN A RESORCEFUL AND PRODUCTIVE PLACE ENDED UP A DISAPOINTMENT SO FAR, NONE OF THE SITES WILL LOAD CORRECTLY OR NO LONGER EXIST.. I WAS QUITE DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE I WAS THINKING THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT FOR ME TO BEGIN MY JOURNEY WITH A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM THAT THEY HAVE RIGHT HERE. WELL AS WITH EVERY OTHER ISSUE IN MY LIVE RIGHT NOW IT WAS ONLY WISHFUL THINKING ON MY PART

MY HUSBAND DIED FROM A LONG ILLNESS ON FEB 12,2005. I FEEL LIKE I HAVENT EVEN BEGAN TO ACCEPT HIS DEATH YET BECAUSE OF ALL THE OTHER PROBLEMS WERE HAVING TO DEAL WITH THAT ARE A RESULT FROM HIS DEATH.

I HAD BEEN EMPLOYED BY OUR COUNTY TO PROVIDE MATTS CARE. IT WAS A GREAT WAY TO STAY AT HOME TO CARE FOR HIM WHILE STILL BEING EMPLOYED. THE DOWN SIDE TO THIS IS THAT NOW THAT THE CARE IS NO LONGER NEEDED, I AM NO LONGER BEING PAID FOR THIS. ALONG WITH THAT MATTS SOCIAL SECURITY BENIFITS ARE NOT ENOUGH FOR OUR DAUGHTERS OR MYSELF TO RECIEVE SURVIVORS BENIFITS; HE HAD BEEN DISABLE FOR 23 YEARS AND DIDNT PAY ENOUGH INTO SOCIAL SECURITY TO GET ANYTHING BACK

WE ARE AT A LOSS OF NEAR $3000 EACH MONTH. NEEDLESS TO SAY THIS HAS ADDED AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF STRESS ON ME AND OUR FAMILY. MY FATHER IN LAW HAD BEEN ASSISTING US FINANCIALLY FOR SOME TIME NOW AND HE TOO DECIDES THAT NOW WOULD BE THE PERFECT TIME TO GOIN THE BAND WAGON AND GIVE US THE BOOT; THIS HE DOES AFTER HE PROMISED HIS DYING SON THAT HE WOULD SEE TO IT THAT WE WERE TAKEN CARE OF. HOWS THAT FOR LOVE AND SUPPORT.. HE IS TOO BUSY LOOKING FOR BLAME;

OUR BILLS ARE STACKING UP AND CALLS ARE COMMING IN BY PEOPLE WANTING TO KNOW WHEN THEY WILL GET THEIR MONEY. FINAL NOTICES ARE ARRIVING DAILY AND SOON WE MIGHT HAVE TO DEAL WITH BEING HOMELESS A REAL POSSIBILITY; I AM SO FRIGHTENED AND AFRAID OF LOOSING EVERYTHING. ALL THAT I KNEW AS REAL IS NOW GONE AND FORGOTTEN. THERE IS NOTHING REAL IN MY LIFE ANYMORE SINCE MATT DIED. ALL THAT I HAD THAT FELT SAVE AND SECURE NO LONGER EXISTS.

NOW INSTEAD OF BEING ABLE TO GRIEVE OVER THE LOSS OF MY HUSBAND IM AFRAID TO ANSWER THE DOOR OR THE PHONE BECAUSE IT MIGHT BE SOMEONE ELSE WHO WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME THAT I NO LONGER HAVE ANY MORE. WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO SEVERE. I DONT DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED THIS WAY BECAUSE MY HUSBAND DIED; DONT PEOPLE KNOW THAT IM HURTING TOO!!! MAYBE EVEN MORE SO THAN THEY ARE!!!

NOW IM FACED WITH DEALING WITH VICIOUS PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR ANYONE BUT THEMSELVES; WITHOUT MATT HERE TO MAKE ME FEEL SAFE AND SECURE I AM ABSOULTLTY LEFT OUT IN THE COLD WITH NO PLACE TO TURN.

IF THIS SOUNDS PRETTY DESPRATE THEN GOOD BECAUSE THEN I MAY HAVE GOTTEN MY POINT ACROSS CORRECTLY. YOU COULD NEVER IMAGING WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR ME RIGHT NOW; I MUST STAY STRONG FOR OUR DAUGHTERS AND KEEP MYSELF TOGETHER SO I CAN WORK WHAT LITTLE I DO FOR MY OTHER JOB. I THANK GOD FOR THIS BECAUSE NOW IT IS OUR ONLY SOURCE OF INCOME; NOT NEARLY ENOUGH TO BEGIN TO COVER EVEN A THIRD OF OUR EXPENCES BUT AT LEAST IT IS SOMETHING TO LIFE OFF OF AT THE MOMENT

WITH ALL THAT SAID AND DONE; MAYBE I MIGHT FEEL A LITTLE BETTER NOW THAT ITS OFF MY CHEST. OH. DID I GET A CHANCE YET TO SAY THAT IM MISSING MY HUSBAND SO BADLY RIGHT NOW AND I SO DESPERATELY WISH HE WERE HERE; NOT BECAUSE OF THE MONEY BUT BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO VERY MUCH AND I AM FEELING SO LOST AND LONELY WITHOUT HIM HERE WITH ME NOW' I MISS HIS KIND AND GENTLE VOICE. HIS LAUGHTER AND GREAT SINCE OF HUMOR BUT MOSTLY I MISS THE WAY HE MAKES ME FEEL WHEN I LOOK INTO HIS EYES. HE ALWAYS THOUGHT OF MY NEEDS AND OUR DAUGHTERS NEEDS FIRST. HE NEVER COMPLAINED ABOUT ANYTHING AND ALWAYS MADE TIME TO BE THERE WHENEVER HE WAS NEEDED. HE WAS MY HERO IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE. HE KNEW HE WAS MY PRINCE CHARMING AND I KNEW I WAS HIS PRINCESS. WE WERE HAPPY AND LOVE BEING WITH EACHOTHER. WHAT WE HAD WAS SO SPECIAL AND NO MATTER WHAT I DO KNOW I WAS BLESSED TO HAVE HAD SUCH A WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP THAT WE HAD. NO MATTER HOW DIFFICULT LIVE MAY GET OR WHAT POSESSIONS WE MAY LOOSE. THAT CAN NEVER BE TAKEN AWAY FROM ME BY ANYONE NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY TRY. I GUESS I WOULD SAY ITS THE ONLY THIS THATS LEFT FROM OUR LIFE WE HAD BEFORE THAT FELT SO SAFE AND SECURE. LIVE IT UP AND ENJOY IT WHILE IT STILL EXISTS BECAUSE IN A MOMENT IT ALL COULD BE RIPPED APART AND TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU FOREVER.

[sillygirl]

darlene...I understand what you are saying about the money issues. My husband passed away a year ago in Feb. and he also had not worked enough for our daughters or myself to be able to receive any benefits. It is an awful feeling and one that I understand. Also, you do have to remain strong for your children. I have learned alot in this last year. Some I wish that I hadnt had to but...Keep writing and talking. You are not alone, we all understand and know just how you are feeling as we all feel the same too. Gods comfort, peace and blessings to you and your family. Sue

[lauraa]

Dear Darlene,

I'm so sorry for your loss! I am just wondering who you could contact about your situation. You are now a single mother that needs help. I would try and call S/S again and ask them if there are any other agencies that could help. Maybe call your town hall and ask for a social worker. There are things available, you just have to find them. You would probally qualify for food stamps....do anything you need to in order to land on your feet. Ask you church for help and any info they could offer. Ask your school to waive fees for sports, etc. Try and get yourself calm (I don't mean that in a mean way)so that you can think this out...there are people/agencies that can help...get out the phone book! Maybe you would qualify for welfare until you figure this out....you will make it...I know the stress involved as it has been 9 months since I lost my husband and I am just now getting my feel on the ground. Do what ever you can to make it and get good at asking for help...which is one thing I totally suck at....You will see that people will want to help you just like here on this site....Keep your chin up...we all know it ain't easy! What doesn't kill us will make us stronger!

Laura

[darlene95602]

I would like to know from others what their opinion is of this website.. I have had a difficult time acessing many of the pages here and have been getting frustrated. It is getting a little discouraging to say the least. I like what is here at this site and wold like to be able to get all that I can from here.

Anyhow. I have posted a message earlier this week about the situation I am left in since my husbands death almost a month ago. Thank you to those of you who posted your replies. I took all the advice seriously and have since then made a few appointments with some local agencies to may help or refer me to someone who can. Its not that positive but it is definately a start.

For now, we arent going hungry yet and I got the water turned back on without the help of my father in law who recently told me to GO TO HELL after I told him about this... remember, he had been paying our rent for the past 4 years up until my husband died. He promised him the we would be taken care of.

I dont know why he has been trying to hurt us so badly; Its been hard enough on me as it allready is without him making it so much worse.. I am hurting not just for Matt but for our losses as well. I dont even know if we are going to have a roof over our heads in a month from now... I cant make my car payments my insurance is being canceled for non payment.. THe list goes on.. its only a matter of time before it will all be gone.

If I has done something to have caused this to happen I could understand that. But I had nothing to do with Matt dieing. I took care of him the best I xould have done.. I did everything I could do. So why do I have to be punished for anything.. thats just how it feels to me,, like im being punished.

Each day I wake up feeling lonely and depressed.. Usual feelings for someone who just lost their spouse. I pray to God that I can take what ever it is that I have to deal with and ask for the strength I need to survive just one more day. I do this each and every day. Up until now I have been surviving life on a day to day routine. But now its getting out of control and Im loosing my resources up and then some.. There is nothing else now left to do but follow through with options available to me and keep on being persistant and looking for some way to get myself out of this mess.

Now tell me how I am NOT supposed to be angry at my husband for leaving me!!! Who wouldnt be angry!!! It was not his fault he was sick and this wasnt his fault either... But it wasnt my fault either and I am stuck here dealing with it alone and he isnt!!!! So yes I am very angry.. I am hurting too and cant even take the time to so much as wipe a tear away. I am too busy trying to keep myself composed so I dont breakdown while at work and with clients. Or else I have to pretend that I am in control and all is well so my daughters dont freak out because they see me falling to peices. So when do I get to have my time !!! The only time I get for myself is when I am right here on my computer... Its the only refuge I have left now that hasnt been taken away form me. At least not yet anyways;

thanks for listening

darlene hertel

[BIJulie]

Darlene,

I am sorry you are having problems with the site. If you would like you can email me at julie@beyondindigo.com and I can help to get fixed any errors that you might find or help you find information. We want you to be able to get the support and information you need.

Sincerely,

Julie

[mmespell]

Hello,

I just lost my wife of almost 12 years to a brain tumor. She died at home on the morning of 3/4. This is my first post here and have no idea what to expect but I am really struggling to get anything done at all. I just want to climb into bed and let the day pass by. I suspect these are common feelings but I need to find a way to get through them somehow.

Thanks,

Marc

[angelam]

Hallo Marc,

I am so sorry for your recent loss and all of the pain and confusion you must surely be going through.

I lost my Husband of 10 years on Feb 15; suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack.

You will find everyone on this board will be tremendously supportive of what you are going through. If you could take a moment to read some of the posts - you will be able to see that we all are pretty much in the same place. I read more than I post - and get great comfort from the words of wisdom that are exchanged amongst everyone.

I personally have found that this is the one place I can come to and find the 'truth' about my feelings, and my journey into this cave of grief and the feelings that inherently accompany it. I hope you will find that too.

Many times I have just wanted to scream and pull out my hair in utter dispondency and sadness - and I then find my way here and read what others are saying - and realize that I am absolutely not alone. Neither am I going 'nuts' I am just grieving.

This is also a place where I can talk about my Michael over and over and over again - and noone gets sick of hearing about him - and I dont feel a burden. This you will learn to cherish also, as I do.

There is no easy way through this Marc - just through it you must go; but you will find that we are all here for each other all the time. This is your journey to take at your speed and in your way - if you forget everything else that everyone tells you........please remember that!

My prayers and thoughts are with you........let us hear from you some more.

Angela

[BIJulie]

Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

[ilovekm]

I just lost my fiance on March 10th and I am sooo lost without him. He was my soulmate,my best friend, my confidont, my lover,(even though we only kissed and held hands) We were together from 9/11/2001 - 3/10/2005 when he died. I know he is in heaven and that is some comfort... but it is so hard to go on when i have nobody to talk to and everyone expects a person to just go on and forget and stop crying whent the dang tears won't stop....I just don't know what to do. We were having rings made. I am still going to get them... I feel like in my heart and soul I was married to him already and that I was married for life. I am going to wear my ring and send his to his niece. I think that will help. Just to have part of our plans done to completion.

[lauraa]

Dear Ilovekm,

I am sorry for your loss...Try posting on Loss of Partner, I Miss Him. There are lots of woman there who lost their husbands and a couple woman who lost their fiance's. I think you will get alot of support from all of us there and not feel so alone. You were married in your hearts....god could see that, too.

[hearsthewater]

Hi, Newbie here. I just burried my husband of 12 years today. He died on Wednesday the 23 of March. He was not sick long. He had a headache on the 15th, and stayed home from work. On the 22, we took him to the ER and that night he had surgery to try and remove the blood clot in his brain. The next night they declared him brain dead and they un-hooked his life support. He passed peacefully at 11:10 pm. Since then I have very busy with all of the details and such. But now I am lost. I am having a hard time because part of me is not grieving hard. John and I where kind of "disconnected" for a long time. We loved each other but there was zero intamacy for three years or so. So part of this I think is that. I did and still do love him, but I guess I thought I would be freaking out or something.... or is that phase still coming? Before this all happend I was a chronic worrier, and I would think or "fantasize" about what would happen if John died. This feels like one of those things. Then I shake my head and I realize that he is dead. It realy feels like he is just at work and he will be home any second. But he won't. I feel guilty because I didn't make him go to the hospital when he first had the headache. And mad at him because he just blew it off. Then there are just moments when I am just blank. We have three children ages 14, 12, and 8. They where not crying at the funeral and other than them fighting a lot they aren't acting any different. Is this normal? My oldest dd refused to see him at the hospital or the funeral home and insists that she is fine and doesn't need grief counceling. It is all very frustrating. John was my rescuer in so many ways and he protected us from my violent and disfunctional family. Now I don't feel safe anymore. I just feel lost. Any and all advice would be welcomed. Thanks for letting me vent.

God bless you and yours

HearsTheWater

[BIJulie]

Hears,

I am so sorry for your loss! You must be going through a terrible time. Remember being angry and wondering what if is part of grieving. Don't beat yourself up about it. I hope you will continue to visit and share with us.

Most Sincerely,

Julie

[blueniness]

hi

ive just lost my husband and my love of 21 years ,,he passed on march 18 2005.

jusst feel so empity and lost ,, dont know what to do..i just cry all the time.cant belive he is gone,, my head says he is gone but my heart says no

he used to say to me that it is" are time" our kids are grown.. and and now he is not here,, so how can it be are time/

bye for now

[biadmin]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain that you are in. However, I hope you will join in the discussions here at Beyond Indigo. We have a wonderfully supportive community of people that do understand!

[blueniness]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain that you are in. However, I hope you will join in the discussions here at Beyond Indigo. We have a wonderfully supportive community of people that do understand!

hay

thanks for the reply and yes i will be joining the discussions ,, gald to find a place where there are others who understand

bye for now

blueniness

[waynesliljeanne]

My name is Jeanne. I held my husband's hand as he passed from my world to God's on Feb. 24,2005. Fortunately, I had already been able to see to funeral arrangements, flowers, cemetery, etc. It would have been extremely difficult to do so after his death... I feel deeply for anyone who has to do so.

Yesterday was the 2 month anniversary of his death. I spent a very bad day, and a lonely night. The people closest to me realized it was a Thursday- the day he died. But didn't put the time frame together. I'm sure anyone who has gone through this will understand that.

I spent a few hours at the cemetery. I talked to Wayne, sat & cried, yelled at God, read a book for a while in the quiet that surrounds a grave. I realized how much I still wanted Wayne to "come home". Even though mentally I know this cannot happen, emotionally it is VERY hard to accept.

I also realized how impossible it is to explain to someone who has not been here in this spot what I am really feeling.

My friends and family mean well, but I can't help thinking that at the end of it all they still get to go home to the comfort of a spouse or fiance, and I don't. They get to go back to "life as usual", and there is no "usual" for me anymore.

My husband and I were very close - physically and mentally, and in the few months he was sick, even more so emotionally. One of the hardest things we lost while he was ill was the physical closeness - it caused him great pain to hug, he could not stand being held, I couldn't even cuddle next to him in his bed because of the pain it caused. We were married for 23 years, and had always been touching, hugging, cuddling... and for the last 2 months of his life, this source of comfort was not possible. We even lost the final comfort of being able to talk to each other much in the last couple weeks. We didn't really need words to know what the other felt, but we couldn't use words to express our love either. I could of course, but it was a struggle for him to speak, so I tried not to ask him to.

Now, I have no one to whom I can run for the help I need. There are no arms to hold me when I cry, no hands to touch me when I feel low, no one to wake me from the bad dreams and cuddle me close to keep them from returning. There is no one to tell me how much he loves me, how much he needs me.

It used to be so hard to spend one night apart... I'm not even sure how I have gotten from Feb. 29 to now. How I have managed to pass the days without my Wayne in them, or how I have gotten to sleep at all. I have to look at the calendar to realize how much time as actually passed, because it still feels like the next day.

People ask me how I'm doing....I get so tire of telling them I am getting along, doing ok, some days are better. What I really feel like is telling them

How do you think I'm doing? Life sucks that's how I'm doing. Every day is a day of reliving the last few hours I had with Wayne. Every night is spent hoping that I will hear him breathing on the pillow next to me.

I want to throw things, scream and yell, yank his body out of the ground and breath life back into him. I want him to be there when I walk in the door. I need him to wake me up and tell me it's OK - it's just a nightmare, you're awake now, and I'm here, and I'll hold you close so you can sleep and not be afraid. I want him to be here to wipe my tears, and rock me in his arms, and tell me it will be all right - like he did when my brother died. I want to watch TV with him, laugh with him, make love to him, get mad and yell at him - I want my life back the way it was 6 months ago. Before he really started feeling bad, before we started going to the doctors, before we were told he had cancer, before we knew he was going to die.

If any one out there knows what this is like... I'd like to hear from you. I'm not looking for advice, just someone who really knows to talk to.

[rancher]

Waynesliljeanne & Others, My name is Bruce and I know exactly how you feel. I lost my true love, Sharon, the morning of March 19. She and I fought her breast cancer for nine years. She took her last breath as I hugged her with tears falling down my cheeks onto her nightshirt. Our Labrador and kitty were beside her on the bed as she wanted. I am so competely lost and feel so vunerable and helpless for the first time in my life. I am just going through the motions of living.

All that you describe about the unrelenting ache of loneliness and the empty home, bed, and heart stikes home with me. You have described so well the feeling I have, that I can add no more except to say I am here, although new to this forum. If you want, I offer my time and perspective on this terrible loss we share.

After reading many posts here on this site and forum I have learned that we are in for a long hard time of change in our lives that will take a lot of effort and work. I feel like you, that only others who are living this nightmare, can offer any credible advise or help at this time.

Complicating things for me is the fact that I live on a ranch in central Texas hill country that we had built in time enough for her to have our best year together. But now, I am isolated by distance from friends and family. I have only our dog and kitty for company in the midst of a most beautiful hill covered paradise but no one with which to share it.

This next week I am having some large limestone rocks moved under a tree by a flowering cactus at the high point on our land and will pick and shovel a place for her ashes and a place next to her for mine.

[donajeanne]

I lost my husband, Bill on April 3. He suffered from cancer of the throat. He was diagnosed in November so he went fairly quick. His last two months were spent in the hospital. I was with him that last night at 2AM when he passed. I miss him so. We were best friends. We were two in one. This is going to be hard. We were married almost 27 years.

Waynesliljeanne & Others, My name is Bruce and I know exactly how you feel. I lost my true love, Sharon, the morning of March 19. She and I fought her breast cancer for nine years. She took her last breath as I hugged her with tears falling down my cheeks onto her nightshirt. Our Labrador and kitty were beside her on the bed as she wanted. I am so competely lost and feel so vunerable and helpless for the first time in my life. I am just going through the motions of living.

All that you describe about the unrelenting ache of loneliness and the empty home, bed, and heart stikes home with me. You have described so well the feeling I have, that I can add no more except to say I am here, although new to this forum. If you want, I offer my time and perspective on this terrible loss we share.

After reading many posts here on this site and forum I have learned that we are in for a long hard time of change in our lives that will take a lot of effort and work. I feel like you, that only others who are living this nightmare, can offer any credible advise or help at this time.

Complicating things for me is the fact that I live on a ranch in central Texas hill country that we had built in time enough for her to have our best year together. But now, I am isolated by distance from friends and family. I have only our dog and kitty for company in the midst of a most beautiful hill covered paradise but no one with which to share it.

This next week I am having some large limestone rocks moved under a tree by a flowering cactus at the high point on our land and will pick and shovel a place for her ashes and a place next to her for mine.

[rancher]

Donajeanne, I am so sorry for your recent loss. When my wife Sharon died, I was numb for awhile then as time passed the hurt sunk in and I cried until I could not breathe and felt exhausted each time as though I was beaten with a club. Lately, I am functioning better and am attempting to get out of the house and off the acreage and go into town. I plan to go over to the community center and find out what activities they offer that may help me live in the here-and-now. I expect setbacks and bad days but am determined to work my way past depression and anxiety. Although we will never completely get over our loss, each of us heals at a different rate.

I took the time to read the forum on Violent/Sudden Death in the Family and cried all the way through it. Afterwards, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and realize that many people have such terrible ordeals to deal with that I pray for them instead of myself. This is the ultimate key to healing. When one is ready, I would suggest to do volunteer work or anything that helps others. This approach worked for me in the past when I was in a depression and after the loss of my mother.

Right now you may feel as though there is no way out of the agony of loss. I am still fragile myself must be careful not to get into a downward spiral of despair. I trust in God that eventually our lives will improve yet hold onto the love eternal that binds us forever with our departed. I have not been religious in the past but now am finding faith.

I hope this helps any here who read it ... God Bless you

[waynesliljeanne]

Donajeanne, hi. I truly feel for you. This is a very fresh loss for you - even more so than I. I wish I could say that it is easier already - but it is not. I can say that eventually you will have days that you won't cry every time you think or hear his name.

kinda odd isn't it that we are both "Jeanne" it is an unusual spelling. Both our husbands were diagnosed with cancer in Nov. and we were both married for 20 something years. I have a faith & belief in God, but I admit that I am not on the best of terms there right now. I keep wanting to know why my prayers aren't being answered - or rather why not in the way I want them to be. I want to know why - if it is said that "whatsoever two or more of you shall ask in my name, unto you it shall be given" why is my husband gone. It also says in the Bible "you can move a mountain if you but believe without question" - I did believe that God would heal Wayne, but that did not happen either. As a result, I do believe in God, I do know that one day I will see Wayne in Heaven, but I am not to accepting just now. I go to church, I hear the sermons, I understand what is said, some of it I even relate to, but talking to God is hard - all I want to do is yell & complain. I don't know if you feel any of this yet - maybe you never will. But if you do, be sure to check in with us here. One thing I am already sure of (in my lengthy experience of 2 days) is that chatting here with others who understand is a good place to be.

Don't push yourself too hard - you will need to allow some down time, and some depression will show up - it is inevitable. But you don't need to let it swallow you. Yes, there are people who are dealing with losses that are different than ours because of circumstances, but ours is not less than theirs.

What I am trying to say is don't deny your grief & loss because someone else's seems to be worse. It will make it harder and longer for you to deal with it.

I still cry every day - sometimes several times a day - and it has been a very long 2 months. A hard 2 months. It is "easier" for me than some because our 2 sons are adults not children at home. But that doesn't mean that they didn't lose their dad too soon. It is different for me because my husband & I built & ran our business for 22 years - so I have an income which I don't have to put my whole mind to every day - but I do have a business to run that Wayne used to do 1/2 of - now I need to do my part and train our sons - and there are things that only Wayne knew, so how do I train for that? We can get along better by not being totally self centered, but I do believe that it will cause great heartache to make believe that our losses are "not as bad". We will get through this all of us together.

[waynesliljeanne]

Bruce (Rancher)

Thanks for your letter. I wish that being in this situation provided the knowledge of what to say to give the most comfort. You are in my prayers.

Your place sounds beautiful. Maybe you could tell me more about it. Do you plan to make the area for Sharon's remains a spot you can go for quiet time? I have found that I am more at peace when sitting by Wayne's grave than any where else. Even more than at home. Maybe because it is so naturally quiet there, or because it is outside where Wayne & I spent so much time. I just know that I feel more connected there than anywhere else.

Wayne's illness progressed so fast, I often feel we were robbed of the chance to do some special things. Do you feel that it was ... helpful... to have known for as long as you did that Sharon was ill? did it give you the opportunity to do things together that you probably wouldn't have done if you hadn't known? Or would you have preferred to been spared the knowledge until the last moment like myself & Donajeanne? I am just trying to figure this out.

My Mom asked me if I felt divorce would have been easier - she was - and I think it would be. I am not very good yet at writing encouragement to others - I hurt too much but It does help to have a place to go to just let it out, with people who know what it's really about.

[sillygirl]

Jeanne,Rancher and Donajeanne, I just want you all to know that I am so sorry for your losses. I know exactally how each of you feel. I am not experiencing a recent loss but I have been where you all are today. My husband passed away in Feb 2004 after a 5 year battle with cancer. I found out that he was terminal on a Thursday and he passed away 1 week to the day. I have fought with all of the emotions, the hurt, loneliness, anger, depression, mental and also physical illness from the grief. The road is not an easy one by any means, people don't understand how we feel or why we feel like we do. However, everyone here at beyond indigo are very supportive. I occassionally post on the lost partners under I miss him so. Please know that you are not alone here. I will keep you and your families in my thoughts and prayers as you begin your journey through grief. God's blessings and mine. Sue

[waynesliljeanne]

Sue,

Hello, welcome to our little group. I am glad to know that someone has gotten past this earliest time of loss to let us know that it can be done. I guess there will be terms of survivorship in this too. Is there a prognosis? My husband's was "2-3 months without treatment". All of us - you, Donajeanne, Rancher, I - had to accept that within a proscribed time we would face the most difficult & life forming loss. Is there a proscribed time for our "recovery"? Did your friends & family start telling you from almost the next day that things would get better, that you would "get over it"? I hope that it really is a universal inability of most people to understand.

Today is the "calendar" 2 month anniversary of Wayne's death. This past Thursday was the actual 8 weeks. Tomorrow will be the 8 weeks from his burial. - and 2 days later will be the 2 month mark. Every Thursday is like the day he died, every Monday like the day I watched them put him in the ground. How long did it take for you to not relive those moments? Or have you not gotten there yet?

Now re-reading your note I see that Thursdays are probably not your best days either.

I do find help here in these notes. I want you all to know that I appreciate you being here - and your prayers.

From the number of my posts you might think I spend most of my time here. I don't, but I do check in through the day. It helps me get past some of the rougher moments. Sometimes just knowing that you all are here too helps.

I will keep you all in my prayers. Have a better day.

This was sent to me in an email from my mohter-in-law. After reading it I decided to share it here.

I hope you all can use it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Wal-Mart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red-haired, freckle-faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside--the kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Let 's run through the rain!" She repeated.

"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain."

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?"

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...so, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

A friend sent this to me to remind me of life. Hope you enjoy it.

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Send this to the people you'll never forget. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in a hurry.

Take the time to live!!!

Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when

you'll need each other -- and don't forget to run in the rain!

God makes everything that is good and keeps us in friends!

[sillygirl]

Hi Jeanne, I wish that there was a magical number that I could tell you that at that time you will no longer feel the pain, anger and grief as well as the loneliness, but unfortunately I can't. There is no "time" limit, we all heal differently. But I can tell you that with each day that passes, it does get easier. In my case, I not only had to deal with my own feelings but the feelings of my 2 daughters as well. My family didnt tell me that I should "get over it" but some of the people that I had worked with did, they just didnt have a clue because they had never been through this kind of hell. It has been almost 14 months since Jerry passed away, I have now found that through many talks with him and with Gods help, I am able to love again and be happy. I had made a promise to Jerry many months before he passed away, one that I have fulfilled and he knows it. I went to the cemetary and talked to him about it, I told him that if it wasnt what he wanted me to do and didnt uphold the promise to give me a sign, he never did. And believe me Jeanne, I have had many signs from him in the past 14 months. I dont have those moments of Jerrys death or funeral anymore, but I did up until about 10 months. I could relive every minute and moment. I have been able to work through my grief and finally reach a resolution and was able to let go but not to forget the memories. My family was fortunate in a way that we had about 5 weeks to prepare for his death in that we knew what was coming. The anticipatory grief helped us all to deal with this in advance and to at least get some grip on the situation. He died at home where he wanted to with all of his family. Yeah, some days are still not too good but all in all, most of my days are blessed. Please know that your days will also get better but it will take time. Dont let anyone rush you or tell you that it should only take you this amount of time. I am in a on line program for grief therapy. When I am done I will have my Bachelors. I want to help others to deal with all of this so that they knoe they are not alone. And you are not alone either, I will talk any time you need to. Take care Jeanne and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sue

[waynesliljeanne]

Hello sue. Thank you for sharing with us. I am trying to stay "strong" for my sons, & our families. It is nice to have others to share with that will understand if my shoulders shake sometimes.

Good for you! To make a decision to carry on. I know that for myself I had one love, and he is OK with the fact that I will not find another.. Wayne & I discussed that issue and we both knew that he was & will be my one & only. I do have friends, that is enough for me. But I think that for any who chooses to do so it is a wonderful thing when you do find someone to love again.

I have hoped for "touches" from Wayne, and there have been a few. I always hope for more. There will be - he knows where I am, and I know where he is. When I meet someone here, I tell him to look up their mate - so I have already told him to chat with Jerry!

I have met a couple people athe cemetery when I am there. I think we all need it...

Congrats on the Bachelors - I am planning to get CNA in the next year or so. I am hoping to care for terminally ill children in my home... but right now I am training our sons to run our lawn & landscape business and that is enough.

I hope you had a good day today. Mine did not start out that good, but it ended better. talk to you soon.

Jeanne

[blueniness]

hay

just a note to say hi,still taking things day by day

take care eveyone

blueniness

[biadmin]

Your grief is your story. Talking and sharing your grief can be healing. Reading about other people's journey through the grief process can help you realize you are not alone. People want to read other people's stories. Do you want to share yours? Share yours at Beyond Story.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/stories/index.php

[blueniness]

hay

just a note to say hi,still taking things day by day

take care eveyone

blueniness

[biadmin]

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[rancher]

I have been asked here about laying my Sharon's ashes to rest on my property. I have almost completed the work. Several large limestone rocks were moved into place very high on a hill overlooking a deep canyon and hills beyond and near to the gate into the ranch. Yesterday, I covered Sharon's ashes and will move a couple more rocks to complete the setting. It is quite beautiful. Three especially large ones form a table top, and another a sitting place off to one side. These rocks are honey combed with holes and passage ways when they were formed. Planted in one is a cactus that will flower and grew each year though slowly. I am gathering a few more of the most interesting rocks from this high mesa top and placing them as sculpture framed by distant hills.

I was also asked if knowing for such a long time that I would lose her, was good for us or would I have rathered a quick unknowing end time. The answer is very clear to me. Sharon and I discussed the approaching end time on several occasions. It allowed us to share the many days together in deep love and appreciation of each moment. For the most part we were able to stay in the here-and-now. The last year was the best year of our lives in many ways. She even helped choose the rocks, and I was able to tell her of what life for me here, would be like on a daily and weekly bases after her passing. This was comforting to her. I have started a three day fast and period of prayer, contemplation, and what will be the completion of the my dedicated mourning period. I will never get over losing her, and she will be with me always. I will spend time on occasion at our hallowed ground. Each time I drive through the gate I will call to her.

However, I am 59 years old. I do not have years to mourn before I begin a new life. Some have shared with me their personal timeline of mourning, rebuilding, and finally entering a new life. A period of a few years to do this, is not an option for me. Although I no longer smoke, I fear the consequences of many years of it. My life line may be short. As I told Sharon, in good health I have a 50/50 chance of living another 15 or so years. Not long before we will be together. These discussions and others have helped shorten my time in unbearable pain and loss. I have the strength thanks to her and the time we used, to now have the will to complete an eventful life.

One friend who visited, told me that I was at my best when traveling. I have found that this place is the best one I ever spent time at. There is only one other place on Earth that holds the mystery and sense of adventure I had when exploring the world as a youth. So within the next 24 months, I will go Burma and seek hidden valleys beyond electricity, and modern culture, where forgotten temples can be found and there, I will attempt to live until I understand the nature of God and human existance a bit better. I have done this work before in remote areas of desert, jungle, and mountain. Just the planning will give me the some direction I need.

Meanwhile, I have joined a local church, Lion's Club, and am on a fast track to integrate into small town life and a since of community. Until Sharon's loss, we spent all our time together building this ranch its buildings, roads, barn, guest cabin, and such. Then as end time approached I became a full time care giver. This wonderful time, left me with no aquaintances locally and I need the fellowship of others and to contribute to the community we so loved.

As for the touch of a woman, that will come in time when I am ready. There seem to be some special ladies who have treated me so kindly of late.

All of the possibilities of the life I have in front of me are gifts of grace from my one true love, Sharon. May God grant you, and all here the same.

You can see the ranch for yourself by going to www.picturetrail.com in the members name box on upper right enter olrancher in lower case letters.

Now, I must go, for I have so much work to do.

[darkstar]

Hello! My name is Elizabeth. My husband Joel died three weeks ago from testicular cancer. He battled for 2 1/2 years. He was 38 years old. We were married for three years.

I am going back to work in July since I know I am not ready to go back before then.

The loss has really hit me hard three days ago, when my sister wanted to go to "our" (mine and Joel) bakery with me.

Even though there are lots of things to do, I find my self becoming very angry with Joel's sister. Up until this past December, she was not in the picture and neither was his mom. His mom did try to help as much as possible but they live almost an hour away.

I find myself becoming angry with Joel's sister because she lives with their mom and dad and her 4 kids, on gov benefits, and her mother "has" to help her with the kids. 3 of the kids are 4 year old triplets. I feel a lot of anger and resentment because I feel like Beth took up all of her mother's time for her kids while Joel was dying. I also am really angry because Beth said she would be there for me and she hasn't. She has also said things that have really upset me like a girl that had come on to Joel when he was a teen. She knows I feel bad enough that Joel and I really did not have a sex life because of his cancer.

I really feel an incredible amount of anger and resentment at Joel's sister and the way I feel she tries to keep everyone focused on her and her kids. She even did this at his wake. Am I just really bitchy? I mean, I don't know... I have never felt this freakin' confused in my life.

[charcoal8]

I just buried my fiance Sean today. thursday morning I woke up at around 4am to find him dead on the floor of the bathroom, i am a nurse and i didn\'t see any signs and i couldn\'t bring him back with CPR. Later we found out it was a heart attack, at 34 years old!!! he had only proposed to me the night before., and i think he knew something was going to happen because, he really was not ready for it. The ring was only ordered, he hadn\'t told his parents and hadn\'t asked my father. this makes it even harder becasue only him and I know . His father, brother, and sister-in-law are being wonderful, but his mom is awful. i know she is grieving, but they were not that close and the family is strict catholic and Sean was not attending Catholic church,but of course the pomp and circumsance was not spared. Sean had asked me to move in with him almost 3 months ago, I am glad that i was waiting for my lease to expire, because on the day i bury the love of my life they asked for his house key back from me. i was there more times in one week then they have been there since he bought the house almost 2 years ago. I don\'t know If I am coming or going, and still wait for him to come through my door, or call me to wish me sweet dreams. I never knew that i could hurt so deeply, I feel as if a huge part of me is gone and I have this gaping hole in my chest. My engagement was annouced in an obituary. THAT IS SO WRONG!!! I have so much anger, and if one more person says to me theat they know exactly how I feel because there 100 year old great grandmother passed away I am going to SCREAM!! (not that it doesn\'t hurt when that happens, but a little more expected) If anyone is going through or has gone through similar situations,I would love to hear from you. I feel so alone in this even though I have a great friend and family base supporting me, they try, but have no clue.

[lauraa]

Rancher,

I lost my husband one one year ago and I was so touched by your recent post. Thank you for that. I cried and will visit your web site and keep you in my heart and prayers. Your place sounds magnificent!

[kevinslittleangel]

I just read your post and it made me cry....I just went through a VERY similar thing. just over one month ago (on April 29th) i woke up at 4:30 in the morning and realized my boyfriend (of the last 3 1/2 years) was not home yet, i called his cell phone to find out if i should be angry or scared and got a call back from the hospital.....He was only 27, i had just turned 27 two days earlier.....and the week prior he told me he wanted to get a "real job" and have benefits, social security etc because he wanted to marry me and couldnt do that till he was more "stable".....Upon losing him my world fell apart.....and the most shocking thing that happened to me was that our apartment that we shared for THREE YEARS but sublet from his mother....well his family went and changed the locks on me....i cant even go home and be where WE lived together.....i understand your pain....and i too want to scream at the top of my lungs when someone says "oh i know how you feel, i lost my grandpa and we were really close"...because they have NO IDEA how it feels to lose the person you thought you were goign to grow old with ....

please feel free to contact me at any time....i dont know how much help i can be because my loss is so recent and i'm a Wreck, but ther is someone else out there who shares your pain and i am more then happy to just lend an ear

much love

Alyssa

www.myspace.com/mamawana

you can view his fan's tribute to him in the guestbook at www.banooba.net

I just buried my fiance Sean today. thursday morning I woke up at around 4am to find him dead on the floor of the bathroom, i am a nurse and i didn't see any signs and i couldn't bring him back with CPR. Later we found out it was a heart attack, at 34 years old!!! he had only proposed to me the night before., and i think he knew something was going to happen because, he really was not ready for it. The ring was only ordered, he hadn't told his parents and hadn't asked my father. this makes it even harder becasue only him and I know . His father, brother, and sister-in-law are being wonderful, but his mom is awful. i know she is grieving, but they were not that close and the family is strict catholic and Sean was not attending Catholic church,but of course the pomp and circumsance was not spared. Sean had asked me to move in with him almost 3 months ago, I am glad that i was waiting for my lease to expire, because on the day i bury the love of my life they asked for his house key back from me. i was there more times in one week then they have been there since he bought the house almost 2 years ago. I don't know If I am coming or going, and still wait for him to come through my door, or call me to wish me sweet dreams. I never knew that i could hurt so deeply, I feel as if a huge part of me is gone and I have this gaping hole in my chest. My engagement was annouced in an obituary. THAT IS SO WRONG!!! I have so much anger, and if one more person says to me theat they know exactly how I feel because there 100 year old great grandmother passed away I am going to SCREAM!! (not that it doesn't hurt when that happens, but a little more expected) If anyone is going through or has gone through similar situations,I would love to hear from you. I feel so alone in this even though I have a great friend and family base supporting me, they try, but have no clue.

[elena82]

Dear Jeanne,

It's amazing how every single word of your feelings, pain, describes exactly how I'm feeling right now.

It's been almost 4 weeks since my boyfriend passed away and I also have to look at the calendar because it feels like yesterday. I would do anything to be with him again. To watch TV with him, fall asleep with him, wake up near him and even have arguments with him... I miss the way he loved me and feel like no one will give me so much love as he did. We were meant for each other and we knew it. He always told me that he believed in destiny and that our destiny was to be with each other... eternally.

When I saw his body the day after his car accident, I couldn't let go... I wanted to keep his body (how silly it may sound), I couldn't stop touching his face, his hand, kissing him... I can't describe the pain I was feeling... My all world collapsed.

I try not to be alone too much, otherwise I don't know what I would do, I would probably do the worst... My closest friends know that they don't have to ask me how I'm doing, they just try to entertain me. When I meet other friends, I always hope they won't ask how I'm doing, because...You know what I mean...

I also don't want to hear that I'm still young, that I will meet someone else etc... Then I just want to scream. They don't know how Steven and me were, how much we loved each other and how deep our relationship was... That's why I mostly feel alone... I'm glad I found this site, you guys really know what I'm going through and I can understand your pain...

Elena

My name is Jeanne. I held my husband's hand as he passed from my world to God's on Feb. 24,2005. Fortunately, I had already been able to see to funeral arrangements, flowers, cemetery, etc. It would have been extremely difficult to do so after his death... I feel deeply for anyone who has to do so.

Yesterday was the 2 month anniversary of his death. I spent a very bad day, and a lonely night. The people closest to me realized it was a Thursday- the day he died. But didn't put the time frame together. I'm sure anyone who has gone through this will understand that.

I spent a few hours at the cemetery. I talked to Wayne, sat & cried, yelled at God, read a book for a while in the quiet that surrounds a grave. I realized how much I still wanted Wayne to "come home". Even though mentally I know this cannot happen, emotionally it is VERY hard to accept.

I also realized how impossible it is to explain to someone who has not been here in this spot what I am really feeling.

My friends and family mean well, but I can't help thinking that at the end of it all they still get to go home to the comfort of a spouse or fiance, and I don't. They get to go back to "life as usual", and there is no "usual" for me anymore.

My husband and I were very close - physically and mentally, and in the few months he was sick, even more so emotionally. One of the hardest things we lost while he was ill was the physical closeness - it caused him great pain to hug, he could not stand being held, I couldn't even cuddle next to him in his bed because of the pain it caused. We were married for 23 years, and had always been touching, hugging, cuddling... and for the last 2 months of his life, this source of comfort was not possible. We even lost the final comfort of being able to talk to each other much in the last couple weeks. We didn't really need words to know what the other felt, but we couldn't use words to express our love either. I could of course, but it was a struggle for him to speak, so I tried not to ask him to.

Now, I have no one to whom I can run for the help I need. There are no arms to hold me when I cry, no hands to touch me when I feel low, no one to wake me from the bad dreams and cuddle me close to keep them from returning. There is no one to tell me how much he loves me, how much he needs me.

It used to be so hard to spend one night apart... I'm not even sure how I have gotten from Feb. 29 to now. How I have managed to pass the days without my Wayne in them, or how I have gotten to sleep at all. I have to look at the calendar to realize how much time as actually passed, because it still feels like the next day.

People ask me how I'm doing....I get so tire of telling them I am getting along, doing ok, some days are better. What I really feel like is telling them

How do you think I'm doing? Life sucks that's how I'm doing. Every day is a day of reliving the last few hours I had with Wayne. Every night is spent hoping that I will hear him breathing on the pillow next to me.

I want to throw things, scream and yell, yank his body out of the ground and breath life back into him. I want him to be there when I walk in the door. I need him to wake me up and tell me it's OK - it's just a nightmare, you're awake now, and I'm here, and I'll hold you close so you can sleep and not be afraid. I want him to be here to wipe my tears, and rock me in his arms, and tell me it will be all right - like he did when my brother died. I want to watch TV with him, laugh with him, make love to him, get mad and yell at him - I want my life back the way it was 6 months ago. Before he really started feeling bad, before we started going to the doctors, before we were told he had cancer, before we knew he was going to die.

If any one out there knows what this is like... I'd like to hear from you. I'm not looking for advice, just someone who really knows to talk to.

[elena82]

Dear Alyssa,

It stucked me how much your story looks like mine...

I lost my boyfriend of almost 3 years on May 29th. He was 23 and i had just turned 23 five days ago.

I woke up at 3.00 am when the police were banging on the bedroom window. Steven had a car accident and died instantly. He passed away a little after 10.00 pm. He was just going to a friend for 15 min and left at 10.00 pm! The accident was only a kilometer away from me. I don't know how I fell asleep so suddenly just when he left or... just when the accident occured...

I know your pain...

----------------------------------------------

I just read your post and it made me cry....I just went through a VERY similar thing. just over one month ago (on April 29th) i woke up at 4:30 in the morning and realized my boyfriend (of the last 3 1/2 years) was not home yet, i called his cell phone to find out if i should be angry or scared and got a call back from the hospital.....He was only 27, i had just turned 27 two days earlier.....and the week prior he told me he wanted to get a "real job" and have benefits, social security etc because he wanted to marry me and couldnt do that till he was more "stable".....Upon losing him my world fell apart.....and the most shocking thing that happened to me was that our apartment that we shared for THREE YEARS but sublet from his mother....well his family went and changed the locks on me....i cant even go home and be where WE lived together.....i understand your pain....and i too want to scream at the top of my lungs when someone says "oh i know how you feel, i lost my grandpa and we were really close"...because they have NO IDEA how it feels to lose the person you thought you were goign to grow old with ....

please feel free to contact me at any time....i dont know how much help i can be because my loss is so recent and i'm a Wreck, but ther is someone else out there who shares your pain and i am more then happy to just lend an ear

much love

Alyssa

www.myspace.com/mamawana

you can view his fan's tribute to him in the guestbook at www.banooba.net

[biadmin]

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[shannongaal]

I am 22 years old. On July 31, my fiancee Michael died. We were visiting our friends at their lake house. We went up to the bar, and had a few drinks. When we came home, I went into the backyard. I thought Mike was just out front having a cigarette. In reality, he had taken out a jet ski at 1:30 in the morning. I immediately knew that something was wrong. I went out by the dock to look for him, and saw that there was a jet ski missing. There was no sound or ripples on the water. I began to panic. We woke everyone in the house up and called 911. We were praying that he had just run out of gas. While waiting for rescue workers, we got on the pontoon boat to look for him. When I saw that jet ski sitting alone in the middle of the dark, foggy lake, I collapsed. I think I might have died with him. The following morning, they brought search dogs on to the lake, and found his body at the bottom. It was such a senseless decision. I don't know why he did it. I feel more lost and alone than I have ever felt in my life. My friends and family keep telling me that I will get over this, but how can I? Every plan for my future... college, marriage, children... they all rested on him. How can I get through this? How can I get the image of him at the bottom of the lake out of my head? At his funeral, I wanted to just crawl into his casket with him. They say it will get better. Am I arrogant in thinking that I'm the exception to this? Please help me. I don't think I can take this much longer.

[tinasdad]

Shannongaal, I am so deeply sorry for your tragic loss. Please believe me in one thing, and that is you will get through this, but it will be painful. Right now, you are weak from such a shock and so much sorrow all at once. For now, my advice is, don't do anything that will make you feel uncomfortable or raise more sadness. Don't let people push you into thinking that in a few days, you should get over this. It will take you time to heal. Please keep writing, and we'll be here to listen and help you.