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A place for those who are dating and mourning~


aprilmoonflower

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aprilmoonflower

lol. it keeps getting longer as I'm trying to split my time between my parents and the new guy.. but that's the absolute latest! I also need time away from my house. I'm pretty sure I will be selling (or more likely renting it out) soon. well within the next 6 months to year. (probably after the new year) I amkicking myself for not selling last year when it was worth way more..ugh! for now, there's nothing keeping me here. it's kind of a weird feeling.

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Well, the only thing keeping me here is medicaid - kinda feel trapped in this place.  At the same time I am supposed to be grateful.... 

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aprilmoonflower

that sucks Linda (I know!) but thankfully you have it! Maybe you will meet Mr. Wonderful where you are, who knows? Maybe Jim moving away WILL turn out to be a good thing (though I KNOW it doesn't feel that way now). things will get better! They CAN'T get worse after all the things you've endured!

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That's funny - my gf and I jokingly refer to Jim as Mr. Wonderful.   I can't even think of being with anyone else right now, too busy wishing I was with him.....   If there is a Mr. Wonderful here - the first question that I will ask is if they are willing to move away eventually - I'M NOT STAYING HERE ONE MINUTE LONGER THAN I HAVE TO.  It would not be fair to fall for someone that can't or won't leave here.   Hopefully you are right - at some point, some major things need to start going my way, I'm due.... 

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aprilmoonflower

lol Linda. yeah maybe he is your Mr. Wonderful after all. time will tell! :) That is daunting that you will have to stay there 5years though! good time to go to school to pass time like you were contemplating! and with the economy in the shitter it is a wise move to work for yourself eventually!

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The plan to go back to school is still in the works, probably in January.   That is the best chance that I have to improve my future and make some good things happen.

I have nothing toward retirement so I will be working for a long time to come.   It would be great to work from home - only when I want to or need to.

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aprilmoonflower

I think going to school is always a wise choice, no matter who you are. I bet you can qualify for some grants and things too! It is exciting to be contemplating a new career too I bet!

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Actually, I have been doing website design for almost 10 years for fun and profit, but to do the interactive websites that most businesses want today I need major database training.   I have tried teaching myself, but it is just too complicated to learn in this lifetime on my own.   I love designing and would do it for free, so it is the perfect income solution for me.   I have been told that I will qualify for grants - the pell at least - and the state may even have more help for me.

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aprilmoonflower

that's cool. i write content for various websites. there is no shortage of jobs that's for sure! (well for web writers) i'm sure web design can be much more lucrative though!

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Yup, a nice interactive business site can run into the $1000's and then there is maintenance once you have designed it.   I have turned down business in the last couple of months because I don't have the database training that I need.   Most of the pages that I design now are simple pages and I charge just $100 for a basic page.   I did a page for a lawyer and for an electric company - both of those were more than that, but less than $500.   I have done pages for people that have had injuries that caused them to be quadriplegic and don't charge for those.   I do the alumni website for my high school, at no charge.  

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aprilmoonflower

2 weeks from right now I'll be on my way to meet the new guy! I am so excited! and  just a little tiny bit nervous too! but more excited than anything!

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Hey Linda,

I've been keeping track of what's happening to you. I hope your raditation burn is doing better. My friend going through treatment here just had a scare with a mugga scan and now has to have another. Maybe some damage to her heart from herceptin. I feel so bad for both of you. Hang in there!

Mary Jo

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MJ,  I already had the mugga scare a couple of months ago.  Turned out the machine had given a false result.   They decided that it was just too dangerous for me to continue, so I insisted on another mugga and found out it was a false alarm.  Meanwhile my ankles were very swollen and I was short of breath, so I was really scared that I was in trouble.   Everything is fine now and I am doing Herceptin every 3 weeks now until next Feb.  I recently had a scare with becoming very anemic, but now that chemo is over that has passed as well.   Please tell your friend that if they have to pull her off the drug for awhile, any damage that has been done is usually temporary and will reverse itself.  I have learned not to panic prematurely, everything will work out.  If she has to stop, they are not even sure how long is long enough for optimum protection, so she may have received enough already.   One day at a time, don't sweat the small stuff, the big stuff is out of our control.  My last radiation is tomorrow YIPPEEE!!!  The burns will be at their worst the next few days and in a few weeks it will all be a distant memory. 

Jim called an hour ago and we had such a nice conversation, so all is good in my world :)  Thank you for all your positive thoughts, you are very special to me.

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Ok, you guys tell me...did I have a "date?" Rod's cousin, an over the road trucker who is my age and divorced, called this afternoon and said he was delivering a load here and wanted to take me out to eat. I've been around him failry frequently, always with Rod or Rod's sister along, but this felt different. I was comfortable but it was not the same as other times. I would not be interested in any dating relationship with him, but it was kinda nice to talk to a guy. He tells funny stories and had me laughing. I'm sure by tomorrow (small town) it will be gossip as we were at a popular restaurant. Fortunately I had to go back to work and he had to hit the road so it was only a meal. Weird, weird, weird.

Mary Jo

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Sounds to me like you just had a nice meal with a friend who happens to be a guy...it is nice to have the male energy around.  I mean, I was skinny dipping in the river with a male friend this weekend, and you can do (almost) anything with a guy just as friends, as long as the guy doesn't get the wrong idea...

I know I'm not dating, but I do check in and read this thread because I consider you all my good friends and want to support you all! 

And April, I'm so excited for you!  Linda, I'm so glad the radiation is almost done! 

Blessings,

Anna

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Anna, tomorrow is the last day!!!

MJ,   Perhaps he is hoping for more and you are picking up on those vibes.   I am sure that he will make his thoughts known if that is the case.   However if he realizes that you just aren't ready for that, he may be smart enough to let it be.   I remember when Jim first started calling me, I absolutely wanted nothing to do with him.   I wasn't rude, but he knew that I wasn't ready so he moved very slowly.  If he hadn't, I would have shut him down fast and I would have missed out on a very supportive friend (and alot of stupid arguments). 

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linda...

thank god it's almost over!!!

so happy for you.

mj....i can't wait to hear if gossip starts in your town...lol. it is nice to have that male energy, and if you had a good time, that's all that counts. maybe just having that lunch will ignite a desire to meet other guys..ya never know!

april...before you leave, i think you need to tell us a little nore about this guy....ladies, don't you agree??

and anna...since i'm writing here and you check it, just know i am holding you close this week.....

so, as for me....

i'm still seeing jim, have a date tomorow night, as a matter of fact.

but i did something..joined match.com for 1 month..just to see what else was out there, you know?

and i've had 3 interesting guys wriote me. one is a no go..he is looking to get married again, and at this point, i'm not. the other 2 i'll probably meet, if it works out. both cute and seem cool, one in particular, tho he is a little geographically undesirable. not that he lives very far away....but he lives in an area that could take anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours to get to, depending on traffic (ah, the wonders of living in Los Angeles!)

anyway.....i'm not sure how i feel about ANY of this...it is all so weird!

i'll keep you posted (thank god i can). the next couple of weeks are crazy busy for me, so i doubt i'll meet either of them , tho, one guy isn't far, and if he can meet during the week....we'll see. i still want to see jim too....

it's all so confusing and silly, and, in a way, i feel like a kid, which is nice.

possibilities....somehting i thought lost to me forever.

it's a good thing.

peace,

michele

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aprilmoonflower

Michele- ;)  hmmm, where do I even begin? He is 2 years younger than me which is kinda different as I had been dating much older men. We seem to have lots of like interests (especially the farm/homesteading thing which is cool). He seems to like kids alot.  I think we are on ther same page about alot of things. or so it seems thus far. It's hard to absolutely tell without meeting, yk? Oh yeah and did I forget to say, he's super sweet!!?!?! Ok there's tons more but that's just the beginning. I feel we have a good connection going so it will be interesting to see what happens when we get together in person!

MJ- that's tough to figure out. I think just go with what you think. if you think it was a date, maybe it was! at the least you can consider it good "practice"!!! :P

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I've been kinda busy with changing jobs, so havent been on for a few days.

Linda:  Glad this was your last day of radiation!  I'm having a little celebration for you!  But I'm ticked off that the doc didn't pay attention to your discomfort.

April:  Tell us more.  I'm so glad you are excited.  Even if things aren't as you thought in person, it is so good to get excited about someone new, don't ya think?  Please tell us more about him!  I love this stuff....the new beginnings of a relationship, all of the possibilities.  Feel like I'm living through you.  Okay, that sounds sick, but I never said I was normal...lol!

Anna?  Did you say skinny dipping?  As in no clothes?  lol....oh my!

Michelle:  Think you're on the right track.  You will know by seeing others if there is something special about Jim.  I think there is something special about him for you...but maybe not "forever" special...this will tell you, I'm thinking.

MJ:  I think it was a sorta "date"...feeling things out.  Now you're the 'talk of the town' ...lol...they always make it more than it is, don't they?  Anyway, let them talk!  Glad you're getting out there.

I'm going to another wedding this weekend.  Why is everyone getting married except me?  Oh yeah...it's cuz I'm not normal.  Keep forgetting that.  Why is it that no one wants to marry the gal that is madly in love with her deceased fiance? 

Today was the last day on my job.  I got sooooo many hugs and good wishes.  I will miss them.  My boss called me tonight and wants me to come back.  Feels good for the validation, but puts me in a funny place.  I've already made a commitment to the new place...yikes!

Karen

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aprilmoonflower

Karen- lol. you sicko! (j/k) I think the new guy is like a breath of fresh air. he certainly is very sweet and loving. and the timing feels right as he is coming into my life. yeah your right things are always different in person though! I think in this case they will be better! I really don't know what to think about any of this as I just about had given up on the dating thing (I know you remember that!) so this all certainly is a chance meeting and wonderful! :)  www.greensingles.com rocks!

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April:

I am so happy you found this man.  Relax and enjoy the moment.  Try to stop worrying, you goofball!  You have no control over it, anyways. 

You better get ahold of a computer and post while you're gone.  The suspense will kill me!

How many days now?

Karen

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Thanks Michele,  I just realized that I can't look at that every time I come here.  That was a good day,  hopefully there will be more.   We are still talking every few days and I can tell that he misses me, so time will tell.   The trip will help me move on a little I think, a change of pace.   I will be going back to the beach house where Terry and I stayed, not sure how that will go, but I want to see it again.   Maybe by going back I can move on easier....

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last night i brought jim to a small dinner party with good friends..it was a big step. it went well, they liked him, he liked them....i kept thinking about tom, and why wasn't he there.

it's getting ridiculous to me to stay so locked in the past.

tom is dead, he's not coming back, and i rail at the injustice of it and the way it has totally screwed up my life and i can't move ahead. and i don't mean in any sort of relationship...just in life in general. i need to make major changes and just find myself so stuck in "if tom were here, i wouldn't have to..." whatever.

tom isn't here, i am.

this is my life now, and until i die, and i'd better start living it.

ranting...

peace,

michele

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Michele,  I think you are on the right track - it is hard, but we have to move on or die too.  I feel that Terry is up there yelling at me to get on with it and find someone great - I don't think he is too happy with my choice in men so far....  oh well, can't please everyone...

I drove from Cincinnati to Okeechobee, FL in one day and the next day the car wouldn't start.  It was in the shop for 4 days and cost $700 to fix it.  Luckily friends that I know from high school included me in their weekend and gave me a tour of St. Pete beach in FL.  We had a great time, but I was worried about the car all weekend.  It was ready yesterday at 5pm and I left FL and arrived in MS by 5am this morning.  I had 2 hours sleep and then went shopping for school clothes for the grandkids.  Did some driving around the town and it looks the same, very little building going on - lots of FEMA trailers still.  It is 3 years this month.  Hard to face the memories of Terry everywhere - I guess we will always miss them like it was yesterday no matter how we move on. 

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Linda, good for you. Facing memories can be tough especially the rough ones you had of Katrina. But I think you'll feel better having done so. I know my trip out the Black Hills with all those memories last September was trumatic but at the same time mostly good. Safe driving!

Michele, rant on. It's all strange and new and not what you planned to do.... not much fun to go on to a new lifestyle when you want the old one back. I keep telling myself to suck it up. Actually wrote that in big letters in my journal Sunday night. Easier said than done!

Karen, good luck with your new job. I hope it goes freat for you. It's hard to change that kind of a routine, too....more comfortable to stay in a rut.

Mary Jo

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Hi all.  Haven't posted in awhile.  The new job has been brutal for me..working 12 hour days trying to learn everything, but it's finally starting to fall into place.  Thanks, Mary Jo, for your comments.

Michelle:  that is a really good sign that you are introducing Jim to your friends...slowly letting him in, eh?  Everybody's approach after losses such as ours is different...I started dating right away after Richards death (well, after a couple of months) because I was just so doggone mad!  But that wasn't the right thing to do...just delayed the grief.  Maybe it helped me to survive until I was ready to really "feel" the grief, ya know?  So, I'm dealing with stuff now that I should have dealt with a long time ago.  I'm still so angry.  It shouldn't be like this.  Who in the world expects someone to die so young?  If I could go back in time, and know that each moment was so precious, I would have changed so many things about myself.

So, I guess, the lesson has been learned.  I never take any relationship, any 'connection' for granted.  It is a precious gift and you never know when it will be taken away.  Anyway, Michelle, I'm glad that you are taking these baby steps in your new life.  I think it's a good breakthrough for you.

I'd like to talk to you all more about 'comparing' our exes that we loved so much to those that we crrently date ad/or all of the little triggers that renind us of them at the most inopportune times, but I'm too tired right now.  It's worng, I know it, but I do it, anyway.

Linda, how are your feeling?  Wounds healed?

Anybody heard from April?

Karen

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aprilmoonflower

lol. I'm here still here Karen. I've been having a weird week healthwise. (sinus and stomach stuff) feeling better now! ;) glad to hear your job training is almost done. I bet that will be a relief!

as for the new guy, still absolutely enthralled. actually I am swooning over here!!!!!!!!!!!! lol!

it's easy for me not to compare, so I just don't. I'm still pretty ticked at D for the **** he put me through. not sure how much you know about that Karen. Basically our marriage was a lie and he betrayed me deeply! though he was telling me he wanted more babies and loved me! lies!!!! (not to mention he had a string of online affairs the whole time and was out coking it up for months all the while I was at home oblivious to it all and growing babies!) it has DEFINITELY taught me that you really never know someone unless they want you to! and how blind love can be.. it's funny I never thought I would trust anyone again. but i do. it's just who I am. lol. I definitely can see now how many demons D had though and how he was never the right guy for me to begin with. we had good times dont get me wrong but I don't feel he was a healthy fit after all. sad but true! but all that is at rest thankfully. I have a feeling our lives would be a whole lot worse had he lived. I am just thankful I found out the truth so I no longer memorialize him the way I used too. in a way it's helped me move on in a big way chatting with his GF and things. (We no loger talk, but we did for awhile)

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Hi April,  I just arrived in Detroit from Biloxi, drove it in 18 hours.  I did great until I passed Jim's street in Detroit and then I got off the freeway to see what it would feel like at midnight when he isn't here anymore - knowing full well that it would suck.  Got back on the fwy after the tour and finished coming home.   Kind of reminded me of arriving in Biloxi after driving all night and then hearing Terry's voice at every intersection and flashbacks around every corner.  I guess it doesn't pay to be sleep deprived or in love :)  I'm glad you are up so I could get that out.   xoxoxox

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aprilmoonflower

ugh! well at least you've actually met your man! lol. :P so you made it home then? 18 hours! I have driven that long from Boulder to here and it sucks!

the good news is my car is being paid off today! Now I just need to wait for the title and payday and I'm out of here (after I buy 4 new tires!) I willl be leaving in like 2 weeks..finally!

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aprilmoonflower

I really do feel like I've fallen for the new man. Am I just being crazy? (we haven't yet met) what do you all think? will we repulse each other or fall in love? ok as you can tell I'm an all or nothing kind of girl..lol. :P I need some reassurance I am not just nuts! How did I go from never wanting a BF to wanting a relationship with someone I've never met? obviously there IS a part of me that seeks a relationship as why was i going on dating site? right? I guess I was just not even holding my breath that I'd actually meet someone! But I did! And he's WONDERFUL as far as I can tell. I am dying to leave but it's still going to be at least another week or two! ackk!

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april...

who knows?

it's great that you're having these feelings, and i guess you'll really know when you meet. this place of not knowing...hard to deal with, yet exciting, too, i think? you are going to have to keep us posted all the way....i'm sure we'll all be holding our breaths.

of course, once you meet, then the fun (or not!!) begins.

i hope it works out for you...you deserve it.

peace,

michele

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aprilmoonflower

Michele- that is way too funny what you wrote cause I was just telling HIM in email yesterday when I get there, the real fun will begin! lol. I don't know, I guess I feel kind of crazy for feeling the way I do about someone I've never met! Obviously I REALLY like him or I wouldn't be driving cross country! :D

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Hello April, and everyone else, it's been a long time since I've been here..  Maybe 2 years or so.  I hope you still remember me.  I like this site!  I am Cheryl, My husband had passed away in November of 04'.  And I had spent a lot of time @ beyond indigo shortly after his passing, I used to see you @ the lose of partner site. But I like this one.  You are a very brave person, and I am so glad that you too have moved forward with your life!!! However, I just wanted to know if you still cry, like I do, and still think of your husband too.  I haven't read the message board, I guess I should have, but I was anxious to say hi to you  lol  sorry.  I too have moved on, somewhat, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my Scott!  And I still cry, though it has gotten much much better.  And not as often, I still have deep cries.  I was just wondering if I am going crazy after almost 4 years.  I have a boyfriend, We've been together for 3 years, but I still miss my husband.  This new man in my life would very much like to marry me, but I'm just not interest.  I feel like I just can't commit like that.  Help!  Cheryl

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hey cheryl..

i'm at 2 1/2 years and dating.

i know what you mean about not committing. i'm not sure i'll ever marry again, and that's not just because i haven't found the right person, but in many ways, my tom was and IS my husband...i don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, but living together might work...i don't know.

plus, it is so scary to think of marrying again and then maybe going thru this again..i can't fathom that idea at all.

hang in there...we all stilll cry, probably always will. but it is good to move ahead a bit in our lives.

peace,

michele

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aprilmoonflower

hi cheryl! I remember you! I don't cry over D very often anymore. maybe once every few months or so. (usually during PMS.lol.) I am not sure why but I am just not that sad anymore. i just feel numb to it all at this point and tired of it all!  When I do get sad it's usually more a "woe is me" type thing and not mainly over him anymore weirdly enough. maybe I am just needy like that? or moving on..

btw weird as it sounds I continually slip and say "my husband ___ ___ " I keep forgetting no one else thinks we are married still. it's just like a part of me though even though he's dead and I likely wouldn't want to be with him anyway if he were still alive (lies, drug addiction, alcoholism) I am all for working on a marriage but NOT when theres lies involved. not that it isn't a moot point in this case. so it's confusing why I still say things like that! (and embarrasing!)

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I went home to MS a couple of weeks ago and I was overwhelmed with memories and sadness and tears.  Not sure what I was crying for,  but know that Terry would never be happy if they were for him.  I guess it was for everything that we lost and so much that is still lost because of the storm.  So hard to believe that it is the 3rd anniversary this month.   Too, I think it was the last year with the cancer treatment and Jim and just overwhelmed with all of it.  The last 3 years is a blur and how I wish I could go back to the life that I had.   Crying again, guess it is best to try and stay in the moment and make the best of today.    April, hurry and go on your trip so we have something great to talk about!!!

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Hiya michelle, and April!  Thanks for your commenting on my reply!  I'm glad I'm not alone in the feelings that I now have.  I have spent most of the day just reading everyones feelings and I have come to realize that everyone one of us are in the very same boat just at diferent levels of this grief.  I know, I'm having a "duh" moment, and am just seeing it all for what it is, but looking back at things, I have come a long, long way.   I have/am surviving each and everyday! So is everyone else.  I am living proof that you WILL survive too.  I swear it!  In the begininng, I seriously thought that the only reason I will stay on this earth is to finish raising my kids and then I would join my husband.  But now I don't feel that way anymore.  I feel like I have somewhat of a life.  I can't say I feel normal.  I don't know what the definition of normal is.  But I can say that I have kept very busy, and that is the key.  Find new goals to achieve and work on those, once you have accomplished those, then move on to some other goals.  I didn't realize how dumb I really was until I went back to school, and I am currently trying to get a career started with the Board of Education.  That alone keeps me busy.  I still have my kids living with me, but for the most part, they pretty much are raised!  So now I sit on the side lines and watch them and every now and then they still need me.  I haven't been to Scott's grave in almost 8 months and I only plan to go back one more time to tell him I graduated ( when I do that is), and then I will let him rest in peace.  I can't keep going back to the cemetary all the time or even once in awhile because it has such a profound effect on me and the only way to help myself is to stop going.  Please don't get me wrong, I LOVE SCOTT and always will, that's exactly why I have to stop going.  I have to let him go.  Funny though, he seems to always be with me.  Someone has to take care of Cheryl and it looks like it has to be me (LOL).  Anyway if there is anything I can do to help someone else, please leave a comment and I will check from time to time and respond.  May God Bless each and every one of you!!!!! I say that with compasion, and sincerity!  ;) Cheryl

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Hi, my name is Angelique and i'm new to this site. I lost my hubby 2.5yrs ago. Motobike accident in the UK. We had planned to live in France (safer for our children, Chloe 5 and Max 8 months at the time). I just arrived in France (i'm French) to start our new life, the plan was for me to start my new job and Mike would join us when i was settled. He was a firefighter doing 4 days on 4 days off, so he was going to fly on his days off to see us. I arrived on the wednesday by plane, Mike on the thursday with all our furnitures by truck. He left to go back to the UK on the Sunday to start work on the monday. Tuesday he was dead! A truck pulled out in Front of him, he was 29yrs old. My life has been turned upside down since.

After nearly 3 yrs (1 Nov), i'm rebuilding my life. I now live in France in our dream home with my children, 8 and 3 now. I love the life here its so peaceful and quiet.

I met this French guy a yr ago, and we've been dating since, he's 7 yrs younger than me (i'm 33 and he's 26). We've already broken up once. I love him but not in love. Michael was everything to me, we were happy and it was love at first sight with him. Soulmate we were.

Anyway i can not move forward in the relationship with Xavier. I feel confortable with him but dont feel 100% happy. I'm wondering is it because he's not right for me or am i always going to feel like this? Do you only have wonderful love once?

I so want to be happy and find someone that will love me, my kids and Mike. I still consider myself as married and i refer to Mike as my husband.

Is it too soon? I talked to Xavier on Tuesday and told him i didnt feel happy, but he says that i'm the one not letting myself be happy, that i have "walls" around me. I wanted to finish it  but he asked to try again.

aaaaaarrrrggggghhhhh so confused! Because we have been together a yr (we dont live together), he has brought back some normality back into my life, but is that a good enough reason to stay with him?

Should i be in love with him already? and will i only love Mike and "deal" with that i have?

Sorry i'm going on and on!! anyway any advice would be appreciated!

Angelique x

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My opinion is that you are not in love with him and when the right one comes along the "walls" will no longer be there.   My sister lost the love of her life on their 31st anniversary and didn't want to live.  A year later, there was a man that was very interested and patient enough to wait for the "walls" to come down.  That happened within 6 months and they were married less than a year after that.  She is happier now than she has ever been and has dreams that her 1st husband wants to come back and she gently tells him no that he has to go back.   There is hope for more than one soulmate, not many of us will be lucky enough to find them - but I do believe there is more than one out there.

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Thank you for your reply. I so want to believe you and believe that i can love again but it seems so hard to imagine. :shock:

My father in law keeps telling me to stop looking for love, it will come to me.

Hope so!

 

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angelique- only you know if you are in love with him and you may be blocking some feeling out of fear and confusion? It's a very complicatedthing us loving our lost loves and trying to let ourselves love someone else. The most important thing is for you to be happy if you can.I have decided that i can never find a man to love me the way Kurt did but i can still find somone to love me competely inhis own way and to do that i have to let the walls come down also but that is not easy and when the right man comes i feel that i will know it. and hopefull let it happen. Try to figure out why your not happy and only you can do that. Then when you have that answer make the changes you need to to be happy. Seems simple but nothing is simple or easy anymore

good luck

becky

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Thanks Becky,

To be honest i think i'm soooo scared to be alone again. I told Xavier that i wanted to finish it on Tuesday and when i saw him cry i melted.

My daughter is not that keen on him, her dad was so much fun, where Xav is more serious which doesnt help in my situation.

I still talk about Michael all the time and i have pictures of him at home. I'm very close to my in laws and because i lived in the UK for 12 yrs and my children were born in the UK, we speak English at home, which Xav is finding hard to deal with.

Maybe he's not the one at all actually, i just keep hanging hoping that one day i will wake up and be in love with him and i'll be happy.. :? not going to happy is it??

 

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I believe that your father is right to some extent - my sister definitely wasn't looking for anyone.  When I found my guy, I wasn't looking for anyone, in fact the thought was almost disgusting.  The walls are very high in the beginning!!  My guy has moved away but we still talk on the phone - we will always be good friends.  I just can't imagine another man right now, so hopefully someone will find me :)

April,  My daughter called a little while ago sobbing.  Her first husband died last night in his sleep.  His wife died of cancer on Christmas eve and he just hasn't recovered at all physically or mentally.   We don't know the cause of death yet, but I know his heart was broken.  My grandson called his dad every night and wanted to call his dad last night but she wouldn't let him because it was too late in the evening.   I don't know how she will tell them.  I was just there last week and Christopher (who is only 10) still talks to my Terry - he and his grandpa were huge buddies.  They were here last Christmas when his step mom died and my daughter took them to their dad the next day.  I don't know how they will deal with this, it is just too much.  I am an adult and I am having a hard time, I am just at a loss.

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