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My heart shattered yet again


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I returned home last night ('home' being the apartment I shared with Danny) after 1 week of being with my parents -

to find a mailbox full of letters - including one from the Coroner's Office.

It's been 3 days and 19 months since Danny passed away and they send me an autopsy report, a 2nd one, after all this time. I don't need to describe the complete heartbreak that ensued, the pain, anger, and shock that poured out of me as I was forced to relive the sequence of events that night, from the time I called 911, to EMS finding my desparate attempt to revive him, to the number of times they shocked his heart, to the doctor calling the exact time of death...

How can this be? How can he be gone? How, after all this time and very slow mending of my heart can it be shattered all over again as if I'm receiving the news for the very first time?

I have to start my life all over, without him??

I've gone over much of what may have caused Danny's heart to stop that night with his cardiac specialist, but this updated(?) version of the autopsy report seems different. I don't understand all the scientific jargon, but it sounds like a different explanation, one that seems like more of an attempt to protect the medical doctors involved more than anything.

What actually bothers me the most is how they described Danny as an athlete with 'moderate' success.

Danny's passion was running. He was an incredible, beautiful and successful athlete.

He won the very first marathon he EVER ran - at age 22 - coming in 2 minutes under Olympic qualifying time. He proceeded to win numerous long distances races all across the Country. He came in 15th on the international stage in London England just behind the Olympic Gold Medal winner in Athens...

Is that how you would describe 'Moderate' success? Who determines that for an autopsy report?

Why am I hung up on this??

I want to have the coroner's office re-write their statement to give him the honour that he deserves.

I felt I had reached another level of my grieving - one that I could manage and cope with to some degree.

In retrospect, I can see how far I've come and how much I healed over the past year and a half - if only in baby steps - but I know I've been moving forward.

Today however, I feel lost, numb, exhausted, scared and confused - as if I was spiraled back into reverse, back to those terrifying last moments of watching him pass before my eyes as I held him in my arms pleading for him to fight for his life.

It's just too much. I miss him terribly.

Really, how do you move on from losing the love of your life??

And the voice I hear in my head is "Never give up"..

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My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!! I know exactly what you are going through! The only difference it was Kenny's death certificate instead of a autopsy report. Kenny passed away almost 7 months ago, I never asked for a autopsy I just thought it was the heart attack he had coming out of the procedure he had. Even tho they brought him back he was down 45 minutes before they did.so he had no brain activity. But, when I received his death certificate it listed so many stuff it was so hard to believe because he had never been diagnosed with most of it, I think I called everyone in disbelief thinking how could they put this stuff down and he never had it. like kidney failure he didn't have that problem until he was on the ventilator and several other stuff and some minor stuff that to me didn't even matter so why put it. I was kicking my butt saying how I wished I did get a autopsy and how nothing I could do anything about it because he was cremated. Then I hear Kenny telling it is over and done with Diane there is nothing you can do. But no matter it still will not bring him back to all that loved him. May we all find the peace and comfort place we need to deal with the pain of loosing our heart and soul.

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I'm so sorry dg. I know you know this, but the grief journey isn't a straight line for sure. There will be backward steps and all. My .02 is let it be what it is and give yourself whatever time you need.

And I agree with you on the BS description! Frankly I think you'd have a very hard time getting them to change it - not without legal threats or action that is - but I wouldn't blame you a bit for trying. And I agree that it is most likely CYA by the doctors more than anything. Don't get me started.....anyway, best to you. You know this place and these people are here if you want to talk more.

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