So Hard to come to Terms with!

[Silentgrief]

I need some support as i feel I have no one to talk too. I lost my Brother in Oct 2012 and im just finding it so hard, he died 2 days after his 50th after being poorly for a year.

I was with him when he took his last breath and it was the hardest day of my life! He was so poorly and would of been cruel for him to have suffered but he was so young and it seemed so unfair.

I have so many images in my head of him so poorly and just cant seem to stop thinking of him.

Thanks for reading. x

[dsmurph]

Read ,"Embraced by the Light", by betty j. Eadie. I think it waill make you look at our life differently. Will it still hurt? Yes. My daughter passed Oct. 25, 2012. I hurt every single day. Right now it will not go away. I have been told that in time it will. But I can tell you it has not yet. The images come to me like a shock, making me face it again and again. But, I do know they are not as often as at the beginning. I'm just really sad alot. I miss her so much. This book did help me alot. So, I encourage you to read it. Blessings

[Mom of Chip]

It has been six months since Chip lost his battle with pancreatic cancer at age 46. I understand your feelings....watching him slowly die that day in the hospital..

His brother and sister were hit hard. His brother was out of town visiting his in-laws..We did not realize that Chip's time would come so soon..We thought he had several more months left; his brother flew back but it was too late. It has been especially hard for him...His sister is a nurse and she was there...She understood what was happening, but it was still a blow to her.

They are doing much better now. The pain will eventually go away...but your memories of the times you experienced together never will.

Yes...it is unfair. Dying so young...so many more things they could have accomplished in their lives...

But be thankful you were with your brother. He knew you loved him and would grieve. He is with you every day...helping you to get thru this.

Comforting thoughts go out to you.

[lre62375]

I lost my only sibling, my only sister last year to alcoholism, she was just 44 years old. I tried and tried to help her for years but eventually wore down myself and just couldn't anymore. She was living on the floor of a friend's house when she passed. Though we had always been best friends and had our spats through the years as sisters do, I hadn't talked to her in months. I called on her birthday in November of 2011 but had to leave a message. I didn't talk to her but I heard her voice on Christmas Eve saying she wasn't coming for Christmas because she didn't want to see me or our mother. I didn't think much of it or say anything because we'd been through periods of silence before and I thought we had more time. I figured it would blow over and continued to hold out hope that someday she would get herself sober and straight so that we could be the sisters and friends we were supposed to be...family gatherings, kids outtings, dinners, movies, girls nights out. She was gone days later on January 2nd, 2012. The pain is unbearable. It's not just a gaping wound, it's like half of my entire soul is missing. My childhood feels like it didn't even exist because no one else knew me like my Big Sis did. She practically raised me. My future is gone because the hopes of a normal life with her died when she did. My present is a mess because I don't know how to "be" without her. I have these wild ideas that she's still alive but has run away to get away from her own demons. It takes everything I have within my being to bring my head and heart back to reality. I will dream sometimes that the two of us are sitting cross-legged on my bed talking. I used to be able to hear her voice in my head but it's fading now that T-Mobile has turned off her cell phone and I can't call her voicemail anymore. I would struggle not to wake up from these dreams just so that I could be with her for a few moments longer. I would force myself to stay asleep for so long that I'd be late to work. Other than the few dreams I've had I don't feel her. I don't know if I'm blocking her somehow or if there isn't anything "after". Not feeling her is shaking my faith. I need to feel her so badly and nobody around me seems to understand. She is the one I'd be talking with right now about this situation if she were here, but she's not and that makes me so angry. Angry at her, angry at the disease, angry at our family, angry at myself...I'm just angry. I try not to even think about it most days, denying I even had a sister, because this is what it comes down to, me up late, by myself, posting private information on a website, reaching out to people i don't know in hopes of understanding all of this. Trying to figure out ways to sort out the guilt, the grief, the anger, the relief, the lonliness, the pain, the loss, the fear, the failure...I just can't seem to kick this. I so desperately feel that I have failed her. I was her sister, her only sister, the one who knew her challenges but yet I took my eye off the ball and let her down. I feel like I've let the whole family down because they've always looked to me, though I'm the baby of the family, to fix things. I couldn't fix her and now I can't fix this. I will never be the same yet day to day I'm out in the world pretending to be that person I always was just so others won't feel awkward.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and don't want to trivialize your feelings by saying that I know what you're going through, but I do to some extent. I so wish I had some great words of wisdom for you but I don't. The only thing working for me right now is denial and my son. Fake it 'til you make it, I guess. My young son helps give me a reason for getting up each day, putting my shoes on and going to work. I don't know what else to do. My hope is that I'll keep my heart numb and disconnected long enough so that once I defrost it enough time will have passed to make this tolerable.

[drpar9]

I'M sorry for your loss, I'm having problems with the same. I have alot of anger.My prayers go out to you. My brother died of lung cancer.We were born in same year,I also lost my sister. All within the last year and half. I just take it one moment at a time. This is only the second time I've been on here. I wish I could helped God be with is all